


Always One Foot On The Ground

by ceyaro



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Disorder, Art School, Character Development, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Smut, F/F, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Gangs, Hate to Love, References to Depression, References to Drugs, Romance, Slow Burn, The 100 Femslash, This is a story with round characters and character arcs: that takes time, Trinity friendship, Trust Issues, smut of all kinds lol
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-05
Updated: 2017-03-06
Packaged: 2018-05-11 20:27:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 43
Words: 210,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5640853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ceyaro/pseuds/ceyaro
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After someone spreads a rumor that Clarke and Lexa are dating, the two, even though hating each other, decide to go with it, each for separate reasons. <br/>Setting: Artschool, Clarke is a dancer, Lexa a music major. They fall in love without meaning to.<br/>My summary is pretty bad. This is a story about learning to love and to trust again. Lots of angst! Lots of grey areas.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“Ms. Woods, we have agreed to have you at our school despite your qualifications or rather lack of." Abby grimaced, but her face turned to a more sympathetic expression when she looked at Lexa as if she was trying to cover up her initial reaction. She smiled shyly and continued, "Your record is- let's say colorful," Her tone sounded unsure and she puckered her lips, especially when reading about Lexa's criminal record and her obvious housing problem,  "but I'm willing to give you a chance. This could be a fresh start for you." She tried to sound encouraging, although she knew she had probably put her foot in her mouth on more than one occasion during this interview, "I don't want to see a talented individual as yourself waste their life on the streets or in the slums." She raised her fist as if to show even more motivation.

' _Slums_ '  Lexa had to keep herself from rolling her eyes. 

"Here is your schedule and your login for the school's online enrollment. I have spoken with your tutors, and they are all aware of your rather unusual experience." Abby was flitting through the pages of Lexa's file. She then asked,  "You were DJing in clubs at 14?" The brunette nodded, already noting this might've been a mistake. "So much experience yet an 8th-grade reading level," Abby said more to herself than to Lexa. Lexa clenched her jaw. She had no idea how her life had been. She had told the brunette when she got there she wouldn't be judged but here was Abigail Griffin, judging her, just like everyone else.

"And finally a map of our campus," She smiled, and Lexa nodded. Lexa accepted the map and stuffed it in her black leather backpack. She bit her lip awkwardly while she waited for the principal to dismiss her.

"You may leave Miss Woods, please do not disappoint me." Lexa nodded but clenched her jaw nevertheless. She knew this was her last chance. She did not need Abigail Griffin telling her otherwise. 

She made her way to Marlowe House. Her dorm room was located on the second floor of the building. There was no elevator even though the building counted six floors. She was lucky being on the second floor, even though she could use the workout. She unlocked the door and spotted two single beds. The room seemed abandoned.

"I must be alone." she hummed feeling pleased with the arrangement.

She put my bag on one of the beds as someone muttered behind her "Gosh I love your scarf." She turned around and frowned. "I'm Monty." Lexa nodded and sized up the girl standing before her. "Your roommate?"  She said looking at the brunette's bags.

"Oh." Lexa uttered. "I apologize, is this your bed?"

"No," Monty answered sitting on the other end. Lexa gave her a curt nod and continued unpacking. "So...what's your name?" Monty asked, and Lexa blushed embarrassed not having introduced herself. She turned around feeling flustered and said "Alexandria Woods, but you may call me Lexa." She knew how formal she was sounding, but she was still unsure of the decision she had made of coming here.

Monty scratched her head. "Right...cool. Nice to meet you." Lexa again only bowed her head acknowledging what the other girl had said but made no attempt in making any conversation. "So where are you from?" Monty tried again after letting silence settle for a few minutes. She was dangling her legs from the bed.

"Indianapolis."

Monty felt a bit awkward around the brunette. The girl was stoic and obviously did not engage in small talk. She was already dreading sharing a room with the newcomer. She sighed and nodded her head.

"Right, well it was nice to meet you. I'll see you around." Monty said leaving, but Lexa did not respond. Monty sighed rolling her eyes. She felt frustrated.

"Great. I get a roommate, and then she turns out to be like _that_." She muttered when she was walking through the hallway.

Meanwhile, Lexa had started unpacking and took out her clothes from her bag. She sighed hanging the few clothes she had on the coathanger.  After she had unpacked everything, she took out a pack of cigarettes. Anya always mocked her for it.

 _"How can you be such a workout freak and then smoke?"_ She could hear her say. She could use the distraction, though. It's not like she smoked a lot, she only smoked one or two a day, just to take the edge off. She quickly took out the pack and made her way downstairs. She wasn't exactly sure what the school's policy on smoking was, but she assumed it wasn't allowed inside as it wasn't for most buildings. She found a secluded spot behind the building near the pond which was located to the left of the Marlowe house. It was nice but badly maintained, which presumably iswhy it didn't attract many.

She tried to light her cigarette, but the light stopped working. She let out a frustrated blow and shoved the now empty lighter in her back pocket. She stayed on the bank of the lake and even spotted a rotting wooden boat at the other side. The sun was setting soon, but she did not feel like going back into her room. She settled on lying on her back.

Twenty minutes had passed before she was rudely interrupted.

"Hello." a boy said looking down on her. Lexa sprang up and dusted off her clothes.

"Hello." She said, sizing up the boy. He had scruffy brown hair. A pair of goggles pressed a few hair strands downon his forehead. He smiled and had his hands packed in his bleached jeans.

"I'm Jasper." He held out his hand. She narrowed her eyes and observed the hand before her. She made the observation that people here seemed keen on welcoming newcomers. They obviously had no problem making social contact. She smiled tightly and shook his hand.

"Lexa." She said making sure she did not make the same mistake as she did with Monty. "I'm new, and I'm from Indianapolis." She added, and Jasper grinned, seemingly amused.

"Cool, you got a light, Lexa from Indianapolis?" Jasper hadn't meant to disturb anyone else, but he had gotten desperate when he had forgotten his lighter in his room, which was all the way across campus. No one in his group really smoked so he attempted at making conversation with this stranger in the hope of borrowing a lighter.

"No, unfortunately, my lighter is empty." She deplored, and Jasper mimicked her expression. He was not going to smoke any time before dinner today. He pursed his lips.

"So you said you're new." It wasn't a question.

"Yes," Lexa replied.

"You're not much of a talker are you?" He asked after quietly watching the sun set. Lexa gave him a pointed look, and he raised his hands in defense. "Sorry, the only filter I have is the one in my cigarette," Jasper stated which made Lexa's mouth twitch with amusement. He sighed and got up, dusting off the dried up mud which had attached itself to his back pockets. "I should head over to the dining hall, and I won't be smoking tonight it seems." Lexa nodded curtly, and he turned on his heels. Soon after, he looked over his shoulder. She _was_  new after all, and she didn't seem too bad. Jasper remembered what it was like turning up new, last year in the middle of a term. It wasn't pleasant. 

He hesitated but then turned back and asked. "Would you want to join?" Lexa quirked an eyebrow. Was he hitting on her? "With friends." He added and then continued with, "I know what it's like to be new, and not know anyone. No strings attached, though, I just thought I'd offer." He explained. Lexa considered the offer, seeming to understand what he meant. She had only just arrived, only, she acknowledged she wasn't great at making friends. She didn't mind being on her own, but it wouldn't be disadvantaging to know people. She agreed, surprising them both, and headed to Eliot Hall where they were serving dinner. Tonight's special was Cajun salmon with avocado salsa.

"Guys this is Lexa, she's new," Jasper said as they sat down a nearby table. She recognized her roommate Monty sitting at the other side of the table and smiled shyly. They all greeted her.

Monty added, "She's my roommate, we've met." She said sounding slightly annoyed. Jasper looked confused at the girl and furrowed his brows as if to ask what was up. Monty shrugged, silently asking Jasper to let it go.

"So Lexa what are you in for?" Octavia asked her.

"I'm sorry?" Lexa answered not understanding what Octavia meant.

"Your subject?"

"Oh. Music. I'm here studying music."

"Cool." Octavia sat back into her chair then added,  "I'm here for dance and so are Jasper and Clarke, you might meet her later, I'm texting her now. Monty is visual arts, alongside Bellamy. Though Clarke used to visual arts as well, though this year she kind of quit doing two things at the same time. " Octavia trailed off, realizing she had said too much. She did tend to do that, to fill the silence. And there was a silence, making Octavia uncomfortable, so she spoke up again and said, "Oh and Raven does sound, lighting, set design, who knows what else?" Octavia was firing off names Lexa did not know which belonged to who. She was also surprised at how forthcoming she was, basically making small talk not for one person but five. She was also the only one speaking as the others had focused on their food, which probably made the girl uncomfortable. She smirked a little amused by Octavia's attitude.

"So you do that classical shit?" Jasper pitched in, hoping to put a stop to Octavia's obvious word vomit, and refocus the conversation to Lexa instead of speaking of people Lexa didn't know.

"Hardly. I enjoy classical music, but I never studied it. There's a first time for everything, though." Lexa answered struck by her own frankness. She smiled inwardly. Maybe this wasn't going to be so difficult after all. 

Octavia, now having calmed down managed to have a normal conversation with Lexa. Lexa found out what Octavia enjoyed doing that summer and their equal fondness of frozen yogurt. Octavia had a vibe to her which made Lexa feel at ease. That was after she managed to feel less awkward about Lexa's presence. She felt her own attitude coming back to her. She was never very talkative, and her nature wasn't gentle nor tender. "What kind of dance do you do?" Lexa asked. Octavia perked up.

"Well, we all have different styles to learn though we choose a specialty in later years. I do contemporary though the rest would like to do ballet." Lexa nodded and perked up an eyebrow at Jasper. His outfit completely contradicted his dancing style. She cursed herself for not being more perceptive.

"What just cause I'm a guy doesn't mean I cannot appreciate ballet? It gives you balance, strength, and discipline." Lexa smirked and agreed.

"I was merely surprised. I apologize." She smirked, and Octavia started laughing.

It was going well. She started to enjoy this group and told herself to sit here more often for lunch instead of her previous plan which entailed her sitting on her own. They were nice and amusing. When Lexa was nearly finished with her meal, a tense looking blonde sat down next to Raven. Green met blue. The blonde felt uncomfortable in the gawk Lexa had trapped her in. She gulped. The new girl was gorgeous, though she clenched her jaw; Clarke Griffin didn't do distractions, and this was probably just a temporary thing. Jasper tended to make a lot of acquaintances, and Clarke didn't appreciate how Lexa stared at her. It was uncanny.

"Oh Clarke, finally you're here. This is Lexa." Octavia beamed, but Clarke frowned at her. This was why she had been summoned? Octavia had been texting her for an hour now, saying there was a surprise for her in the dining hall. How was this a surprise? Octavia knew how busy her schedule was. She felt annoyed. She didn't have time for this shit.

"Hi, how's it going?" she said looking right at Lexa. Lexa nodded smiling a little, trying not anger the tightly wound blonde, though she didn't know she had already accomplished just that. An awkward five minutes passed by, and Lexa breathed in deeply hoping the change in atmosphere wouldn't affect her too much. God this girl really knew how to make a whole meal feel tense. Octvia had made it awkward with her sudden burst of information, but this was worse. The easy going vibe that they had created before had completely been ruined. She was on her phone at all times and raised her nose at most things that were mentioned.

Clarke then  stood up and said, "Not that this isn't thrilling, but I have to go."

"Clarke, don't be rude," Octavia muttered.

"I'm not rude. First, you text me during my rehearsal, when you know how inappropriate that is, and then you beg me to come here, blowing off my second rehearsal to what? Meet this week's charity case? So you can make yourself feel better for being an ass most of the time?" She was directing her monolog at Jasper, who had made it a habit of inviting new people to his table for obvious reasons. It's not that Clarke didn't like these people, it was that her friends always made such a big deal of her presence. They demanded she'd be there, which in all honesty she just didn't have time for. 

"You know I don't have time for this. She's not exactly talkative anyways-" Clarke muttered that last sentence. She didn't mean to say that out loud, it was mostly an afterthought that was only present because of the aggravation her friends had created. She was just so stressed. She had barely any time to finish her summer project. And she was going on three hours of sleep. 

"What just cause she isn't kissing your ass?" Jasper piped. 

"That's not how it is." Clarke breathed in and closed her eyes, already regretting venting this loudly especially in front of this girl, who didn't deserve any of it. "Look I don't appreciate being summoned, just to meet some random girl we probably won't be friends with next week when you know how busy my schedule is. My deadline is the day after tomorrow. I thought this was important."

 _'Fuck me this is too much drama already.'_ Lexa arched her brows, widened her eyes and pressed her lips together. 

"Don't worry Princess I'm leaving," Lexa said standing up. She had had enough. A part of her, the insecure part believed that she was only a charity case and then cursed herself for getting comfortable and naive.  She would rather be alone, that to be taken pity on. The blonde or the group didn't genuinely like her? Fine, Lexa would return the favor.

Clarke didn't have a lot of buttons one could push, calling her princess though was one of them. All of the regret she had had before dissipated and turned into even more aggravation, this time, caused by the new addition to their table. 

"You did not just call me that?" Lexa sighed angrily. She felt word vomit gurgling up.

"Why not? I'm surprised it's not stamped on your forehead." Lexa stood up and looked Clarke in the eye. "You're in my way sugarplum." The blonde widened her eyes. First impressions were usually set in stone when it came to Clarke, and Lexa had made her lasting impression. Clarke scoffed and stepped a few inches aside.

Lexa groaned silently when she left Eliot Hall. She hadn't even been for longer than a day and had already had a small argument with someone. She didn't ask to sit there, Jasper did. She had been sucked into this without her consent and would not allow it to happen again. 

* * *

She woke up the next morning with Monty banging against her bed. “What are you doing?” Lexa snapped as the other girl blushed.

"Sorry, there's a spider underneath my bed, I was just trying to get it,"  she stated, and Lexa huffed dropping her head down on her pillow. She was not a morning person. “You better get ready, classes start in a half an hour." She closed her eyes and dreaded this first day. She did not want to do this.

She got up 15 minutes later and rushed into her clothes. She quickly made her way downstairs to the secretary’s office.

“Hi I’m looking for auditorium 2B," she asked an older looking lady with glasses hanging down on her chest.

"Right here honey." she pointed to the map Lexa was holding.  Musicology by Professor Meskins the timetable said as she sighed.

“Here we go." she muttered entering the auditorium.

She looked around and found no familiar face, a relief. After yesterday's dinner, she did not feel like dealing with the embarrassing aftermath.

_'At least, I can get through this shit without anyone bothering me.'_

The professor started speaking and even though she had promised herself to be attentive and take notes she found herself daydreaming as the professor rambled on about the motif in Carmen's Habanera.

 

_“Here we go," Lei said filling the bag._

_“Lei, are you sure this is wise? This isn’t the most subtle way to do things." Lexa told him as he rolled his eyes. She was educating him._

_“Its fine look; the alarm is off." he stated pointing at the door._

_“Right." she mumbled waiting for him to clear out the cash as she heard sirens going off._

_“What the fuck Lei I thought you said the alarm was off?”  She hissed at him. He panicked._

_“Come on!" She yelled, and they started running away. They heard hastened footsteps follow them down the street. Lexa took another direction hiding from them as she saw the police closing in on Lei. She quickly made the decision to distract them from finding the boy. She banged on a car window which set off its alarm. 'She was not going to sacrifice one of her people, especially since she was supposed to be educating him._

_Lei jumped over a fence as they tried to follow him. She started bashing more cars as several alarms were going off. It seemed to divert their interest._

 

 

* * *

Class finally finished as she started making her way out of the auditorium as fast as possible. Some guys she had noticed entering earlier, stood in the doorway and blocked her way. She rolled her eyes faintly at their immaturity. She was astonished people like this still existed at the age of nineteen. 

"You're new." He said smirking. This felt like high school. 

“Are you going to let me pass or do you need your boyfriend’s permission to do so?” She sassed knowing which buttons to push. 

 “He is not my boyfriend," he said defensively. She smirked and shook her head. Too easy.

 She tried to pass, and when she finally did she hoped that was it.  Jasper and Clarke were chatting. Lexa didn't notice the group of guys following her until she reached the duo. She looked behind her. Murphy and the others glanced at Clarke, then headed the other way.

"Fuck sakes," Lexa muttered.

"What was that about?" Jasper asked when Lexa walked by. She stopped in her tracks and considered ignoring him. Maybe she had been too quick to conclude what was going on before. Maybe the blonde was just an insecure bitch with a clique complex. Anything was possible.

"The male ego." Lexa shrugged.

"Well, at least they're gone now. Good thing Clarke is here, or they probably would've kept bothering you." Lexa eyed Clarke suspiciously. What skills could the blonde possibly possess to have guys like Murphy back down? "She's the principals daughter," Jasper added. Of course, she was.

Lexa raised her eyebrows knowingly. _'Well, now it all makes sense. The attitude, the clothes.'_

Clarke was staring daggers at Lexa. Lexa readjusted her backpack to straighten her posture. The blonde had obviously caught on to Lexa's newfound observation and wasn't impressed with how quick the brunette judged her. She wasn't the princess everyone kept on suggesting she was. If they had any idea what it was like. Abby and Jake Griffin were two hippies who happened to excel in the arts, opened an art school and then tried to enforce their white politically correctness, which sounded more like middle-class ignorance than actual awareness, on their daughter and their students.  Everyone else just thought how cool her mother was which was a testimony to the lack of diversity. Clarke was pissed. She couldn't stand this new girl. She rubbed her the wrong way, but if she was truthful, Lexa also embarrassed Clarke. Every time she looked at Lexa she was reminded of one, how she had embarrassed herself the first time she had met the brunette by sounding like an enormous asshole, and two, how the brunette had branded her as 'the spoiled princess', which was disappointing because Lexa looked both intimidating and cool.  Then there was the way Lexa looked at her. She couldn't really pinpoint why but the way the brunette stared was unsettling. It felt like she was reading her soul.

“You don’t know anything about me," she said raising her head. Again Lexa raised an eyebrow, subtly but enough to communicate to Clarke she wasn't convinced. Clarke turned on her heels without another word and started walking away. Jasper, on the other hand, was scratching the back of his head. He shuffled awkwardly and hid his hands in his pockets. There was a lot of distance between Jasper and Lexa as the brunette hadn't actually moved from her original position; which made it all quite unsettling.

"Look she just takes a while to warm up to." Lexa shrugged. She wasn't interested in the blonde or what her story was. Sure everyone had a reason for their imperfections and maybe if the blonde wasn't so particularly disconcerted around Lexa, they might have been peaceful acquaintances, even friends, but this was too much effort.  She didn't need to be her friend.

“She puts a lot of pressure on herself. Her mother isn't  exactly a walk in the park." He added trying to convince Lexa. Clarke wasn't all that bad. She was actually an excellent friend once you got to know her. Lexa seemed to run into Clarke every time she had a stressful day, which in Lexa's defense were most days lately.

"It's okay Jasper. I don't need to be friends with everyone." She tried to reassure him, and he gave her a tight smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I wrote a siophie fic a few years ago, and bc I started writing some Clexa a while ago I looked at my old fic and found myself rewriting it (cause my old writing is shit, not that my current writing is super but it's better) as Clexa but taking the story in a different direction. So idk what people's opinion are about recycling an old idea, and basically plagiarizing my own work for certain chapters/parts. It follows the same structure (ish), but in later chapters takes a different spin. If this is outrageous and just not done, tell me and I'll take it down. I wrote it for myself first and foremost. 
> 
> I'll try to update once or twice a week.


	2. Chapter 2

Clarke was having dinner with her mother. She was playing with the peas on her plate. She hated peas, and her mother knew it. She always picked out the carrots and left the peas then just played with the remaining peas until dinner finished and her mother would scold her for not eating her peas. You know, same old, same old.

"Clarke all I'm saying is that I'm worried. You don't go out very much. You're always in that studio. Honey, you're in your second year, this isn't make it or break it. I just wish you would go out there, go on dates. It would be so nice to have you bring home a nice guy." She said, her mother did not do subtle. Abby Griffin was old school. Yes, everything would be fixed by just jumping into a relationship. Clarke knew her mother wanted her to go to her benefits with her, preferably with a nice guy on her arm. She was tired of this conversation. This was her mother pretending to be worried when actually she had a personal agenda.

"Mom, I told you; I'm focusing on dance right now. I want to make it at some point, and I won't be able to do that if I don't work hard. You and dad had a hard working etiquette, so why are you so against mine? I'm fine alright! I don't need a boyfriend to make me feel fulfilled."

"I just thought it would be a nice idea. I just don't want to see you crushed if dancing doesn't work out or even if it does. It'll only give a few years of actual career. I just want you to be happy in more ways than one. I want you to have more sources of happiness." She sighed and scooted her chair back. She then stood up and threw the napkin on her plate.

"May I be excused?" Her mother looked sad, even though she nodded.

* * *

 

Lexa walked down the pathway towards Eliot Hall and passed the rose gardens which had started to lose their blossoms. Compared to how they were when she arrived, three weeks ago, they had withered, but only slightly. There was still a strong scent to them, and the smell brightened her senses.

When she entered, she passed a glass case with trophies and medals displayed. She looked at the pictures in the brown picture frames, they were in black and white. They were all girls as this was an all girls school decades ago. Had it been that long since the school had won at a competition? This was an art school, after all, maybe people lost interest.

For the last few weeks, Lexa had tried to keep to herself as she wasn't fond of making small talk or even going to parties. If it was up to her, she would stay inside and read a book or have a good workout. She did like hanging out with Jasper, though, he had become a safe haven through all of this. People had also stopped trying to make conversation with her, which only pleased her more. She had earned a reputation for being standoffish with most of the students, which is what she wanted.

"Rough night?" Jasper asked when she sat down. She looked up and shrugged.

"Monty wanted to sleep with the window open." He raised his eyebrows. "The storm made it rather inconvenient."

Jasper chuckled "Yeah she does that. She's sleeping at mine's tomorrow, that should relieve you a little." Lexa nodded.

Octavia reached for something in her bag and revealed a flyer. Halloween was coming up. Lexa forgot.

"So? Aren't you guys excited?" She asked raising her voice while flailing her arms in the air. Jasper responded with an agitated answer about his costume and how it wasn't going as he suspected. His sewing machine stopped working a few nights back.

"What about you Lexa?" Lexa just shrugged. "Oh no, you do not get to do your 'Lexa shrug'. You're coming okay?" Lexa eyed her suspiciously.

"I don't have a shrug." She said almost pouting and then shifting in her chair.

Octavia threw her a pointed look. "You have a shrug, it comes with a cute set of accessories: the glare," She started counting on her fingers. "- the pointed stare and last but not least a quirking eyebrow," Octavia said giving her rendition of jazz hands.

"Anyways, I'm dragging you with us." Lexa was about to object but Octavia added "Please, you never go to any of the parties. We're lucky we have a party every week and you need to start enjoying that."

The school was located in the middle of nowhere surrounded by miles and miles of woods. They had their own hospital and campus watch. They worked like an autonomous community or even a village with the school board as their government. The parties had earned a fine reputation and it was a chance to hear the DJing skills of her peers.

"What do you say?" Octavia asked. It couldn't hurt really. What could possibly go wrong?

"Alright." Lexa smiled. Octavia squealed and pumped her fist in the air which made Lexa chuckle. She would have to figure out her costume, though. She had an idea but she had to check her closet whether or not she could pull it off.

* * *

 

Looking in the mirror, Lexa hummed contently. The kohl makeup around her eyes made her look frightening. She was still sporting her red scarf but had dyed her coat to give it a golden shine here and there. She had also replaced the buttons. She kind of looked like a pirate if she had one of those hats. She wasn't sure what she was going as, but she was going as something terrifying and authoritative. Maybe she could sell it as her alter ego. She had the sword, Anya gave to her as a birthday present, latched onto her side. She held the hilt. Could definitely pass as a pirate.

Clarke was already at the party after Jasper had insisted she went. She used to come to parties all the time, but that was before her dad. Now there were only a few things which made her feel like her old self, dance being one of them. She was determined after they had offered her a possible place at Jan Fabre's dance company, to work harder. She would have to move to Europe would she pursue this, but that was, even more, a reason to fight for that opportunity. She could leave this damn place.

She looked around searching for a familiar face and quickly found one, or rather a familiar belly. Octavia was lying on a table while some guys were taking body shots off of her. Typical. Octavia, overtaken by excitement, spotted Clarke and leaped up spilling the tequila from her belly button.

"Hey, Octavia." Clarke smiled. Even though she was busy and slightly annoyed she was dragged to this party, she was happy to see her friend. She missed her. And in all honesty, she missed partying with them.

They had set up a creepy freak show outside the building. Clarke wasn't too keen on going, but Octavia was so excited she didn't want to rain on her friend's parade. They sat down as Clarke played with her hands which were now sweating. She hated clowns. She was praying there would be no clowns involved because it bears repeating, she loathed clowns. Jasper and Lexa were seated on the other side of the half circle. When Octavia raised her hand Clarke quickly grabbed it and held it down while she stared her down.

"What's your problem with her?" Octavia hissed.

"I just don't like her okay? She's really up herself." Clarke said, trying to demonize Lexa, so she wouldn't have to be reminded of her own bad behavior that had occurred a few weeks ago. Most people would be over it by now, but Clarke's insecurity motivated her to overthink everything and overwhelmed her so she even got scared she would lose her friends over minor incidents, which was completely ridiculous, but try telling that to a bad self-esteem. As if they would find out who the _'real'_   her was, which implied who they knew wasn't her at all, which again was completely ludicrous. 

"Can we get through this without having to deal with her?" Octavia squinted her eyes.

"You're acting weird. She's cool."

"I don't need to like everyone you like, Octavia." Clarke snapped. Octavia crossed her arms and focused on the show that was about to start.

"Welcome to Darwin's freakshow." The host said in a hushed voice. Clarke already started rolling her eyes but Octavia jabbed her with her elbow.

"At least, pretend you like it," She whispered. Clarke bit her lip and mouthed a sorrowful 'sorry' to her friend. She didn't mean to be this way.

Lexa had noticed the two girls on the other side of the tent. She did wonder why they hadn't even tried to call Jasper over but promptly moved her attention towards the show. It wasn't as creepy as they were trying to make it. Lexa, far from impressed, was starting to get bored. Though the girl with the three legs was pretty cool, she wondered how they had made it look so realistic. By the end of it, the host was asking for volunteers. He pointed at Clarke and the blonde was shaking her head which made Lexa snigger. This girl was just programmed to not have a good time. One day she would take out the stick obviously located up the blonde's ass and cut it into tiny pieces. Then she would scatter it around like newfound glitter farts from a gay unicorn, and dance around said glitters. At least once Lexa committed to going out, she would try to have a good time.

Her small smile faltered when they also pointed at her. She groaned mentally but did not alter her expression. She stood up and approached the host.

Clarke groaned, not mentally and followed Lexa's lead. She stood in the middle with the brunette and they waited. Two small people entered center stage. Clarke knitted her brows feeling uncomfortable how this wasn't an effect. These were actual people and she hoped they weren't being exploited. The fetish they were creating around little people was something she was going to have a conversation about with the dancing tea society who organized these parties.

They asked both Lexa and Clarke to sit on either side of a ladder. Next thing what happened was these two people raising them in the air, showing their strength to the public. Clarke held on tightly. She abhorred this. She wasn't afraid of heights, but this was so unstable. Lexa looked bemused as the blonde screwed her eyes shut when the ladder wobbled around.

When they exited the tent Clarke and Octavia were stopped by a very drunk Bellamy.

"Bell," Octavia muttered trying to hold her brother up right.

"Clarkey!" He slurred. He made Clarke uncomfortable, every time he was drunk he ended up hitting on her. To be fair, he hit on her all the time, it was rather excessive when he was intoxicated. It also didn't help when he wouldn't take no for a valid answer and keep insisting until Clarke had to eventually get angry, punch him or push him away, only to be called a bitch by most of the boys present. He was a nice guy sober, and he was Octavia's brother. He was her friend, not like this, though. His behavior was inappropriate and made Clarke wonder whether to blacklist him every time it happened. He just couldn't let go what happened between them.

"What is it, Bellamy?" She asked having had enough already.

"A dance of course."

"Bellamy you're drunk. Stop. You do this all the time, you're better than this." Octavia interjected. Clarke tried to subtly shuffle away but Bellamy hurried after her.

"I know what I'm doing Octavia!" He yelled back at his sister.

"Bellamy, I'm flattered really, but I'm going to pass," Clarke said trying to sound nice. Had this been the first time she wouldn't be so exasperated, she would even have taken him up on his answer. The one time she did, it did not end well.

"Oh come on, don't be so stuck up. Can't you ever do something that isn't written in your journal?"

"Bellamy I said no."

"Hey, Clarke." Jasper smiled, unaware of Clarke's current situation. She had to keep herself from rolling her eyes. Bellamy would only become nastier if someone interrupted his attempts.

"What?" She snapped. Lexa handed her, her purse. "Oh," she was surprised. Again she felt embarrassed by her behavior towards Lexa, which was turning into a vicious cycle as it only worsened her attitude towards the brunette. She pushed her mouth into a tight smile. 

"It fell out of your bag-"

"Come on Clarke one dance, please? I know you, you're nice. You look so pretty when you smile too." Bellamy continued. It was all a bit much for Clarke. She felt very irritated. Before she could give any response, Lexa interjected passively.

"If she does not wish to smile, it will not help the circumstances if you tell her she should, just for you. I am assuming she has said no, yet you are insisting." Lexa stated.

"Well I mean I'm allowed to try-"

"No, you are not. I would advise you to stop hassling women and maybe you will not find yourself alone on the dance floor next time. Pushing her into doing what you want is not exactly respectful is it?"

Bellamy looked baffled. Her green eyes pierced through the tall boy. He hadn't been spoken to like that. She didn't even make sense. If he wanted to try and convince Clarke he was allowed to. I mean everyone knew girls just played hard to get. And no meant maybe.

Her intense stare made him uncomfortable though as she had stopped talking and was staring the boy down.

"I-"

"Was leaving," Jasper added. And so he did. He left. Clarke was impressed but soon enough Lexa's unsettling stare was redirected at Clarke, and Clarke's automatic reaction was to return her kindness with a snarky remark. 

"I could've handled that on my own, you know?" Clarke said sounding even more annoyed. She tried to poke holes in Lexa's personhood to put an end to how Lexa looked at her. _'I don't need anyone 'saving' me. This girl really thinks highly of herself doesn't she?'_ She was definitely trying to convince herself.

Lexa didn't answer. She just nodded and turned on her heel. 

"Hey, we're going into town and then to my aunt's house afterward. I mean it's Friday so a few of us are going up there for the weekend. Want to come?" Jasper asked. Clarke had calmed down by now. She wasn't sure what was happening, but before she would do as she planned, which was say no, her head was nodding, and she was agreeing to it. Next thing she knew she was in Jasper's van with eight other people and they were on their way to his aunt's house. Town was about a 35-minute drive.

* * *

 

 

Some of the boys changed into different clothes and Clarke realized she had not brought anything for the weekend. She cursed loudly and couldn't understand why she even came along in the first place.

"Everyone ready?" Jasper asked but Clarke dragged her feet awkwardly. It wasn't as if she wasn't dressed nicely, but it was a Halloween costume. She couldn't go to a nice club in a Halloween costume, especially considering it wasn't Halloween just yet. They had celebrated it early because people had classes the next Monday.

"Clarke?"

Lexa eyed the blonde and understood why she was behaving awkwardly. She threw a spare dress she brought at the blonde. She was going to wear that the next day. It wasn't a fancy dress, but it wasn't a Halloween costume. Even though she had aimed at the stomach the dress went flailing around Clarke's head. Lexa had to put her hand over her mouth to keep her laughter from escaping.

"What the fuck?!" She cried, again feeling so flustered. She was starting to associate Lexa with her own social discomfort. She then looked at the fabric that had been thrown and inspected it carefully, she then gazed at Lexa who just shrugged.

"Thanks," She muttered wondering if the dress would even fit her. She wasn't as thin as Lexa was. This was the first time she eyed the brunette's body, she couldn't help tracing the line of her hips. She swiftly moved her gaze back to the brunette's eyes which were now looking at her inquisitively.

"Be right back." The blonde uttered. As she turned around she screwed her eyes shut and shook her head. She groaned from the self-consciousness the brunette created within the blonde. On top of that, she wasn't acting like herself, it aggravated her.

She put on the dress and was astound to find it did fit, barely. She looked in the long mirror belonging to the guestroom and clenched her jaw nervously.

"Clarke let's go!" She heard Octavia yell. She put on the flats she was wearing.

"They're not heels but they'll do," She muttered to herself.

Arriving at the club, they all took out their fake IDs. Clarke was surprised Lexa even had one. She was actually surprised everyone did. Jasper must've invited people he knew had fake IDs for sure. Entering the club without much fuss, she headed for the bar. She spotted one of her friends DJing. Seeing Oscar again after months of absence perked her up. She didn't know he was spinning tonight. After getting a cosmo, she headed towards the DJ table with a big inviting smile. She waved and Oscar brightened. He waved warmly. A big smile painted his face when he approached the blonde and gave her a tight hug while making sure to mind her drink.

"I didn't know you were coming tonight. I haven't seen you in months!" He raved still having his arm around the blonde's shoulder. In fact, it had been over a year since Clarke had stepped into a club. Meanwhile, Octavia and Lexa had found their way to the middle of the dancefloor before Octavia dragged Lexa to meet Oscar.

Lexa scanned the man in front of her. His dreadlocks were tied together in one big colorful scrunchy and he was wearing sunglasses. Sunglasses in the middle of a crowded club. Right. He was a DJ though, and when they entered the bar, Lexa was impressed with the music she heard. She wanted to talk to him. She usually acquainted herself with co-DJs in the city she lived, but the rules seemed different here. On top of that, he was friends with Clarke. Loyalty would prevent him to even give her the time of day. She deplored writing the blonde off so quickly now. Being friends with the blonde could've been practical. She was the principal's daughter and appeared to know fascinating people.

After getting her own drink, Lexa sat next to Octavia, who was already tipsy after downing two shots of tequila.

 

_She felt the beat run through her fingers. Her headset covered one ear as she managed the DJ set. Then, she felt two reassuring arms around her waist, and a pair of plump lips tracing kisses over her neck. She smiled deeply and leaned back into the girl's warmth._

 

“Lexa!” Jasper nudged me. “Are you on something? You just went somewhere,” he stated but she a line appeared between her brows.

"Does Clarke know a lot of people in clubs and stuff?" Lexa asked changing the subject.

"Does Clarke? I-uh-" Jasper was somewhat surprised that Lexa was asking about Clarke but swiftly continued. "Yes, she does actually. She knows a lot of people, well her parents do...did, so therefore she does. She's the daughter of, you know?" Lexa nodded.

The night concluded in both Monty and Octavia having to be carried home as they were too drunk to walk. Clarke was tipsy, and so was Lexa, but sober enough to not enthuse any post-drunk stories. Jasper, on the other hand, was designated driver for the night, so thankfully he was completely sober. They drove back in utter silence. Once there, the rooms were divided. Lexa decided to take the couch and leave the remaining beds to the others.

* * *

 

A few hours later, long after everyone had gone to bed, Lexa was woken by someone hissing on the phone. She looked up and saw Clarke standing the kitchen. She was clutching her phone tightly.

"Mom, I'm sorry I got you worried! You're always telling me I should be going out more and now that I am, you want to ground me? Mom, I'm 19, you can't ground me! I don't even live with you anymore!" Lexa laid back down, this was none of her business. The blonde's loud and high pitched tone made it difficult not to eavesdrop, though. For this reason specifically, she sat up so she could indicate she was in hearing range. The blonde, on the other hand, did not look up. Her eyes were glued to the kitchen counter, and she had one hand in her hair. She lowered herself completely and rested both elbows on the counter, still having one hand hidden in her locks. She sighed audibly.

"Mom-" She groaned as she put the phone down. "Great," She muttered. It was only then she noticed Lexa sitting awkwardly on the couch. "Eavesdrop much?" She bit leaning back up from the counter still recovering from the conversation she had had with her mother. 

"I couldn't exactly help it," Lexa answered. Clarke pursed her lips but then sat down next to Lexa. Well, next to Lexa was pushing it. She occupied the spot on the other end of the couch. Clarke thought of telling Lexa she had been acting out of character, perhaps they could start over as their friends obviously got along, but before she could she heard Lexa hiss, "I do sleep here you know?" Clarke was so surprised at the change in tone that she didn't react. "Great," Lexa said with a hostile tone. Clarke forgot what she had wanted to say and could feel herself getting aggravated again. What was it about this girl?!

"What?!" Clarke snapped after Lexa kept staring at her.

"I'm trying to sleep. You already woke me up and now you're keeping me from going back to sleep?"

"I just need a moment."

"Go have a moment somewhere else." That did it for Clarke. Any hope of her even trying to make peace with this girl evaporated. She stopped caring that this was probably due to miscommunication, or that she kept having a bad day when she encountered Lexa or that the brunette put her ill at ease. She stopped caring that it was probably her initial attitude that had caused this rift between them. She stopped caring what her friends told her and completely made up her mind. She persistently crossed her arms. 

"No." Clarke was stubborn if anything she would make it worse now. She laid down.

"Uhh? What are you doing?" Lexa said slapping Clarke's feet away.

"Going to sleep. Octavia tends to snore." Clarke replied, not wanting to continue the conversation.

"I was already occupying this spot!"

"So what? We can't share? This couch is huge." She wanted this to be over, but she also wanted to aggravate Lexa as much as Lexa had been aggravating her. It was juvenile, she knew that, but she stopped caring and gave into her immature tendency. 

Lexa groaned and plunged her head down on the makeshift pillow she had made from her coat and scarf. She took the blanket and pulled it over her. She hated this. And she hated the blonde. Perhaps hate was a strong word, but in this moment, Clarke had reached her peak and Lexa had lost her patience. 

* * *

 

The next morning they were found both sleeping soundly on the couch. Octavia looked at her brother indecisively. She was not sure whether she should reassure or scold him. Bellamy clenched his jaw. She could feel the jealousy evaporating from his skin. She rolled her eyes and settled on scolding him. Her brother would be jealous of a broom if Clarke gave it attention.

"Bellamy." Octavia sighed. "They're just sleeping, besides Clarke is straight. And on top of that, we all know they loathe each other." She whispered.

"So why are they cuddled up on the couch?! Clarke had her own bed, why on earth would she come down here?"

"They're hardly cuddling bro'. Clarke is on one side and Lexa on the other, the only thing touching is their legs. Stop speculating."

"Whatever," Bellamy said a bit louder to which then the two girls woke from their slumber. Clarke folded her legs against her chest when she felt Lexa's feet brush against hers. The brunette, barely awake, didn't seem to mind as much. She stayed the way she was, it was, after all, Clarke who had decided to take her place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I posted it earlier, whatever. Just know that once I'm back to school the schedule will slow down. I'll post the next one on Saturday or Sunday. 
> 
> Next chapter the premise of the fic will start, meaning the rumor. Thank you to all the lovely people who left kudos and comments and bookmarked.


	3. Chapter 3

A few weeks went by, and Clarke had started noticing people watching her when she walked down the hallway. One time she even heard a group of girl's whispering her name. She was used to being watched as she was the principal's daughter but this had gone to a whole new level.

When she reached her biology class, Mr. Turner had already started his lecture. She crept in the back sheepishly.

"How lovely of you to grace us with your presence Ms. Griffin."

"Sorry, Mr. Turner." She muttered. She sat down next to Lexa, which was the only available seat left. She sighed and kept herself from rolling her eyes. She just couldn't get away from this girl even after she had explicitly tried to avoid the brunette. Lexa had this effect that whenever she would encounter her, she would either embarrass herself, which Lexa made worse by just being extremely attractive, or would become so aggravated with the brunette, she wouldn't be able to forget the encounter and overthink it for at least three days. 

"As for your group assignments I have decided to choose the groups with last term's incident still freshly engraved in the back of my mind." Last term Scott and Lars had gotten into a full fist fight after some betrayal or some shit. Who could remember these frivolous facts? Clarke could already see it coming. She was sitting between Lexa and Ollie Morris, a girl she also had theater history with. This was like one of those Japanese animes where two protagonists would get set up in a group and then become friends. Thankfully this wasn't one of those Japanese animations, and that likeliness of that happening was close to zero.

"Alexandria, Ollie and Clarke. You three will focus on genetic structure." Mr. Turner said as he put down a stack of articles they were expected to read. Or maybe this was a Japanese Anime?

' _Alexandria_?' Clarke arched her eyebrow. Lexa looked passive. She neither smiled or frowned, it seemed as if it didn't affect her at all. So it seemed only Clarke was affected by it all, which bothered her. She felt pathetic overthinking their encounters and feeling so flustered at all times when Lexa appeared to be completely indifferent to her.

* * *

 

 A few days went by but the looks thrown her way were not ceasing.

She ran to Peirce Block where she had 'Contemporary performance'. As she was stretching, two of her classmates were looking at her. Again she was hearing her name being whispered. Molly McGuire and Susan Caratossidis were indeed having a conversation about her.

"I mean Lexa sure. She could pass as one. She does look a bit strange and edgy, but Clarke? She looks so girly. She's practically a ballerina for God's sake. You'd never expect her to be- you know."

"Yeah I know, I guess you really can't tell. Are we acting homophobic right now?" Susan whispered.

"Of course not! How are we homophobic?"

Clarke looked up. She heard that. _Homophobic_? Why were they even talking about stuff like that? Nothing made sense anymore.

"Hello, everyone. I'd like for us to warm up by doing so space exercises." Clarke dropped her bag with her bottle of water on a chair and made her way to the middle of the space.

"Okay walk actively." They walked as some of the students started walking in a circle. "Remember not to walk in a circle but find the empty spaces in the space, walk towards that. And look up Penny! I swear your generation is called the looking down generation for a reason. Be proud! How are you supposed to look for emptiness if you're not looking forward? Okay now clear the space."

As quick as they could they each student found their way touch the wall. "Okay walk." They walked again now avoiding forming a sea of fish that walked circularly. "Fold." Everyone pirouetted down to the ground and stayed put. "Okay walk." Clarke could see some girls eyeing her still. She was starting to get frustrated now. "Center!" She was so distracted by everyone's gaze she was very late to gathering with the others in the center of the stage. "Focus Clarke."

They then went on and did some stretching exercises as they moved onto a dance exercise. They were lying down as they were to try to find a spot in their body that called their attention. They had to cherish that spot and then form a movement around it.

The rehearsal concluded 2 hours. Sweat covered Clarke's face, so she reached for her towel. She took large gulps when she drank from her water bottle and made her way outside. She looked behind her and found two guys eyeing.

"What?!" She finally voiced.

"Nothing. We didn't say anything." They looked guilty, but Clarke looked at them suspiciously. She groaned and stomped off.

"Damn, she needs to do something about that temper." One of them muttered.

"Oh yes cause a girl can't get angry right?!"

"Oh, shit we got a feminazi right here."

"Oh, you haven't seen shit-"

"Clarke Griffin!" Her mother, who was passing by Capote studio, yelled at her.

"Mom." Clarke said sheepishly and then quickly corrected "I mean- Principal Griffin?"

"Shouldn't you be moving on to your next class?"

"Yes, ma'am." Before she could hurry off, her mother stopped her.

"Wait- I- Clarke there have been some rumors..."

"What rumors?" There was a rumor? What rumor? She needed to know. Was this why people were looking at her?

"Well it's about your-"

"Abby! May I speak with you?" Prof. Jaha asked her, and she sighed.

"We'll have this conversation at home darling." Right home. It was Friday which meant she would actually go home instead of staying in her dorm. Friday also meant group work with Ollie and Lexa. She let out a low breath and looked at the clock. She had about a good hour before the two would arrive at her house. She ran to catch the bus but missed it. She groaned when she walked over to her bike. She was not in the mood for this today. She was still itching to know what the rumor was about. She was making up horror stories in her mind. Had she done something terrible? She was retracing her steps over the last few weeks but couldn't pin down a moment where she might've done something that could incite gossip.

* * *

 

After a 30-minute bike ride, she finally arrived at her house. She wasn't looking forward to Ollie and Lexa coming over. The library was packed due to the art history students' midterms, and their dorms were just too small. The desk was designated for one person even though she shared her room with Octavia. Her house was large and her mother was the principal. If only her dad were still alive. Her mother had become so rigid after his death. She wasn't allowed to do anything for the last two years and now that she finally did become the robot her mother wanted her to be, she was still not content. Her mother had started badgering her about her love life or her social life a few months ago. The hippie in her was coming out again. She couldn't believe her daughter had turned into this nerd. Clarke had an uptight personality, mostly due to the pressure her mother had put on her after her father passed away when Clarke was 17. Clarke didn't know how to turn it off. She wanted to. She was just so angry at everything it seemed. Whatever she did, it was negative. So what did it matter what she did or how she acted? Nothing was ever good enough anyways. Abby had nurtured the perfect climate for insecurity and low self-esteem. She hadn't wanted to do that, but after Jake died, nothing seemed nice, not even her daughter. It wasn't something she was proud of. 

Clarke turned on her shower and put her head under the cool streams. She rested her head against the wall and let all the thoughts rinse away. She took her time, soaping her hair, using the conditioner she liked. The one that smelled of orange flower. She felt comforted, now that she had washed everything away. Even the unshed tears which lingered on her eyes had dissolved within the steam. They lingered often. She wasn't happy. The bell rang, and she quickly put her pants on. It was Lexa, and she was early.

"Hey. You're early." Clarke asserted curtly.

"I apologize. It was either too early or too late. I chose the prior." She said passively. "Are you going to invite me in?" Clarke widened her eyes.

"Yes, sorry." She felt embarrassed. "We'll go up to the studio. My mom is preparing some stuff for a dinner later so we can't work down here. It's fine, though, there's enough room up there." Lexa nodded and followed the blonde up the stairs. They walked up the flight of stairs. The second flight of stairs had a hatch at the top. Lexa was a little amused, this house felt like a labyrinth, she had no idea which way she was facing anymore. They then entered. Clarke held the hatch open for Lexa. The brunette climbed in. Her eyes drifted to the number of paintings occupying the room. Some set up on an easel, obviously not finished, others were leaning against one another, and then a few were hung up.

"Wow." escaped her mouth. Clarke felt a slow burn rise from her neck to her cheeks. Clarke didn't usually blush, but seeing the brunette look in awe, after she usually looked at her with so much hostility, made the blonde feel nervous and flustered, in a good way, though.

"This is my painting studio. There are some tables over there where we can work." She muttered.

"You painted all of this?" Lexa asked still dazed by the works of art that were surrounding her.

"Uhm, yeah. I did."

"You dance, and you paint?" Lexa said unexpectedly sounding impressed. The paintings were beautiful, but all captured a pang sadness which didn't go unnoticed. She raised her eyebrows as her eyes skimmed each work.

_'Damn.'_   


This was the first time Clarke had a pleasant conversation with Lexa, and she instantly yearned to know her more. It annoyed her how much Lexa reminded her of one of those popular girls, no matter how much they seemed indifferent to you, you wanted to know. So her initial reaction to her prior reaction, again, was to put up her walls. She would not allow Lexa to have that kind of power over her. 

"You want to start?" Clarke said changing the subject and Lexa nodded.

"Shouldn't we wait for Ollie?"

"Ollie is always late. We might as well start without her. Besides, we have to do the reading or, at least, separate it. It's only later we really start the group work."

"Okay." Lexa shrugged, then she took a seat at the table and took out the printed articles from her bag. She divided it in half and gave the other half to Clarke, or rather just placed them in front of her. The blonde sat down in front of her and started reading her half. About 20 minutes later Ollie arrived, late as expected. Both Clarke and Lexa gave some articles to Ollie so they could start. An hour or two later when they finished their reading they started discussing. When the discussion turned to who would actually write what, it became heated.

"I don't understand why you want to do that part? You don't even like it, you don't even agree with what we're saying."

"Which is exactly why I want to write it because you're both wrong!" Lexa hissed. Ollie had taken a seat back on this. For her this was just as she expected. She was in a group work with a couple, they probably had a lover's quarrel before, so now tensions were running high. Lexa and Clarke kept getting into a bigger argument when Ollie raised her voice.

"Look, guys, as much as I am enjoying this extension of a lover's quarrel, I need the grades, so do what you want, figure it out between the two of you. I'm doing article 2 and 6, the rest is up to you." The mention of lover's quarrel captured both girls' attention.

"Lover's quarrel?" Lexa questioned.

Ollie sighed dramatically "Look I get it. You're not out, you haven't made your relationship public. Everyone knows, though, so you can stop avoiding each other."

"What?!" Clarke cried. "What are you talking about?"

"Fine. Be that way. I'm not saying you should be out, I'm just- ugh you know what? I'm frustrated right now because I got stuck with a couple and it's always the same thing. Either they're all over each other or they're fighting. Couples should not be working together and if Mr. Turner had known you two were together he wouldn't have paired you up. But I get it, you're not ready." Ollie rambled.

Both Lexa and Clarke were staring at her with their mouths wide open.

"No. Ollie. We're serious. We have no idea what you're talking about." Clarke tried again. Ollie gazed at her and squinted her eyes.

"Convincing and if it wasn't for the picture and well the whole gossip train I would probably believe you, but it just makes too much sense. No one dislikes each other like you two do for no apparent reason. You've got to be compensating for something. I mean your personalities are actually really compatible."

"Ollie, I don't mean to be rude, but you don't know me. This is the first time I've even spoken to you."Lexa voiced.

"I don't need to speak to you, Jasper is my cousin." Lexa looked shocked and slightly offended. What had Jasper been telling her? Was it Jasper that had started this rumor? Ollie left before either woman could ask her any more questions.

"So that's the rumor," Clarke said which piqued Lexa's interest. Clarke hated that a part of her felt nice about people thinking they were together. Lexa was cool, and people wanted to get to know the mysterious new girl. So by association, technically, that made Clarke feel wanted and more secure about herself. That reaction alone made her angry. What was wrong with her? Lexa infuriated her, so why would she even think or feel that. Clarke clenched her jaw. 

"You knew?" Lexa asked. 

"I didn't know what it was, but my mother told me there was a rumor. Oh God no. She probably wants to have the sex talk and-ugh." Clarke groaned while she put her head in her hands. "What are we going to do?" She said looking at the brunette, but she only shrugged.

"Nothing. It's gossip, it'll blow over." But Clarke didn't want that. She hated how conflicted it made her feel. She needed to put an end to it right now. 

"I don't want to wait for that, I want to deny it right now." Lexa sighed however which infuriated Clarke. "What?!"

"It just seems like a lot of hassle. Just be patient. We'll only call more attention to ourselves if we deny it." Lexa's indifference only made it worse. 

"You don't want to deny it?!"

"If someone asks, I'll deny it, but I don't want to make a big deal out of it," Lexa said standing up and walked around. She was thinking about how people had been looking at her funnier than usual. She assumed it was the new kid vibe. This confirmed otherwise.

"You can't be serious! Oh my God. Let's just- I don't know, do a Facebook thing or something. Anything!" Clarke was desperate. 

"Calm down. Fuck, you're so dramatic. Aren't you used to this? I mean you are the principal's daughter. Or is it because you can't stand being called gay?" Clarke's nostrils flared.

"Fuck you!" She hissed as she pushed the brunette. Lexa not having anticipated Clarke's physical assault, minor as it was, stumbled back into one of the easels. She cried when the painting fell down. She quickly caught it, but in doing so, fell flat on her back. She groaned.

"Shit." Clarke breathed, instantly regretting everything, her thoughts, her actions. Seeing Lexa grab the painting with so much care, made her feel ashamed of her irrational behavior. This kept happening, and she just wanted to cry out of frustration. She didn't understand why she kept making a fool out of herself in front of this girl. 

"I'm sorry, are you okay? I just- I can't believe you said that. Not that it excuses-I'm not-" She stuttered. "Just because I don't want to be called something I am not, doesn't mean I think that's the worst thing you could be called you know?" She said taking the painting from Lexa's hands. Lexa rolled her eyes. When Clarke reached for her hand, she flinched.

"I'm just trying to help," Clarke said with a high pitched voice.

"I don't _need_ your help," Lexa muttered having had enough. Clarke, however, did help, she reached out and in doing so entangled Lexa's knitted sweater with her necklace and risked damaging the sweater if she moved. This day was just getting worse. Clarke cursed silently and pushed Lexa onto the ground while she settled next to her. 

"Just be still," She grumbled at the brunette while she tried to untangle them. The awkward position made them sit close to each other, too close. Lexa's cheeks flushed when she felt Clarke's breath on her face. She just wanted to get out of there. Leave this place and never come back, never be alone in a room with Clarke Griffin ever again. Lexa observed that when they were together things just happened at a higher level. Emotions ran high, and actions became more irrational. It was frustrating. 

"Clarke-" Her mother opened the hatch. Lexa tried to take a step back, but Clarke held her in place, fearing the sweater would tear.

"What is it, mom?" Her mother seemed surprised.

"Ms. Woods." She smiled tightly. She felt flustered when looking at her own position. She was lying on the floor with Clarke sitting next to her, her face close to her chest. 

"Mrs. Griffin." Lexa greeted. Clarke watched the interaction, her eyes jumping from one to the other, and drew her brows together. Her mother seemed a little more on edge than usual.

"Clarke... when I said go out and date- I mean I'm happy that you are, I just want you to know that you're not exactly choosing an easy path." She said but let an unimpressed Clarke to watch her attentively. She cleared her throat at an attempt to back paddle. "I'm happy nevertheless. I'm so glad you followed my advice." Clarke finally managed to untangle her necklace, still watching her mother. They stepped apart as Clarke's mother climbed into the studio.

"What? Mom?"

"You're together." She deadpanned. Clarke tensed. All of the sudden she felt like she needed to tell her mother, as fast as possible, that no this was a mistake, she had it all wrong, everyone had it all wrong. She needed to say it, but she didn't. She stayed silent, indulging in her mother's eyes, that for once looked down on her with approval shining through them.

"Principal Griffin, we are not together." Lexa stated, and Clarke felt relieved but disappointed at the same time. She knew the slim approval her mother had given her, the first in months, would swivel away as swift as it came. Abby, though, misinterpreted Clarke's silence and tension for anxiety.

"It's alright. I am happy you took what I said at heart. And I'm proud of you for being so strong." Clarke cringed at the anticipation of letting her mother down but then, only for a second, considered something. What if she simply went with it? Would their conversations finally stop sounding like Clarke was the biggest failure in the world? Would her mother leave her alone altogether? She was actually considering on testing her mother. Would she stop? Would she finally be able to have a Friday night dinner without having to listen to her mother's jabs about her failures and lack of love life?

No. This would never work out. Lexa would never agree to this ludicrous plan and even if she did, it would be too hard. Things never seemed to work out. A part of her saw this as a possibility of getting to know the brunette, but that part was also terrified of the brunette getting to know her, and then rejecting her even more. She hated the way the girl created an uncomfortable bubble around her. She couldn't find rest around her. She weighed her options nevertheless. What was more uncomfortable? The lie or her mother's jabs? Her mother jabs for sure, just because they actually hurt as well.

"Mrs. Griffin, We-"

"Yes mom, we're together. Alright, you caught me. Can you give us a minute?" Lexa glowered at Clarke with an open mouth. A minute ago she was desperate on denying it and now that her mother of all people was completely convinced they were a couple, she first prevented Lexa from correcting her mother, and then confirmed it?

Her mother nodded and exited the art studio while fiddling with her hands.

"What are you doing?" Lexa hissed at the blonde. Now came the hardest part, which was convincing an entirely sane person of doing this, especially someone as out of reach as Lexa, who probably thought Clarke was unattractive in every possible way. 

"I- okay so my mother has been badgering me with trying to find some other things in my life besides dance. Every time she needs me to go to a benefit, she forces me to go on these dates with guys she chooses." Clarke was trailing off, she breathed in tightly and continued, "I don't have time for any of it, and I'm so done with dealing with all that shit." Clarke decided to leave out the fact that she was more after her mother's approval than anything else. She gulped and said, "Now, she thinks I found someone, so I won't have to go with those dudes anymore and well- she might stop commenting on my life constantly." She let that last thing slip, but Lexa was unfazed. 

"Great. Good for you. So what exactly are you asking here? For me to just go with it? Why on earth would I do that?"

"It would just be for a while! I'm already under a lot of pressure, I could use less criticism from my mother." Clarke admitted. Lexa could see this was more about acceptance than anything else. She had had her fair share of Abby Griffin judging her, and she could only imagine what Clarke would go through daily. But how would this solve anything?

"Why is this my problem? Do you realize what you're asking? You want me to fake it?" Lexa asked again flabbergasted by it all. Clarke shrugged.  She knew it was a long shot. "No. Hell no, Clarke. Go find someone else to play that game with."

"I don't want to do it with anyone else." Clarke let it slip, then recovered by saying not only to Lexa but especially to herself, "If I do it with any guy I risk him asking for some physical shit in return and with you, I don't have to risk lines actually getting blurred because we don't like each other." Clarke was telling herself all of this. She needed to tell herself. "Plus no other person would consider doing something like this." Lexa shifted. She never said she disliked the blonde. Sure Clarke hadn't exactly been welcoming which didn't prompt Lexa to feel any kind of pleasant emotion towards the blonde, but dislike was a bit word. It made sense, though. Why else would Clarke act the way she did?

" _Why_ do you think I would?"

"Because the rumor is already there.

"You're missing one crucial part. What's in it for me? Why on earth would I do this, Clarke?" Clarke looked sideways and then glanced back at the brunette with a newfound confidence. It was worth a shot. 

"I know you've been trying to get into the music scene here in Boston. I've been watching you. You're not an academic, you're a practitioner. So you need me. You think being the principal's daughter has no perks? My mother knows a lot of people in the art world, she knows everyone in Boston and New York, and by association so do I. I'll introduce you to people, anyone you want, and you'll be on your merry way." Lexa looked at her. Well, that piqued her interest. She considered it for a moment, which she couldn't believe she was doing. She shook her head, fuck no. No, this was too ridiculous.

"No. I'm sorry Clarke. This is just dumb. Just tell your mother you lied." She said as she put the knapsack on her left shoulder. She lifted the hatch and glanced at Clarke. The blonde sighed and sat down. She actually looked sad, worse than sad she looked utterly dejected as if Lexa had taken away an opportunity. Lexa knew which opportunity too. Clarke wanted her mother to ease up on her. It couldn't be easy to be constantly criticized. She had noticed the way Clarke's eyes sparkled when her mother told her she was proud of her. Lexa sighed and was chewing the inside of her cheek. And Clarke wasn't all bad. Perhaps if she got to know her a little, emotions wouldn't always run so high, and things would smooth over. The group dynamics would definitely be less awkward although she had already started feeling like she didn't exactly fit into the group she was hanging out with. Except perhaps for Raven and surprisingly Monty. 

_'I can't believe I'm doing this. What the fuck is wrong with me?'_

"Fine. Fuck, stop looking like a beat up puppy. But no PDA! No nothing. Tell your mother I can't come over during weekends and you can make up all the things we do during the week to get her off your back. I'll sit with you for lunch, but that's it, Griffin. I'm serious. And no more than a few months! Until the semester is over! And I get to break up with you. I'll figure out the reason later. And yes you'll be the dick!" Clarke smiled and nodded. She looked so bright.

"Thank you so much Lexa!" She said happily. Truly happy is what she looked like and both Lexa and Clarke were surprised by the unexpected feeling. Well, actually she squealed though Clarke would deny that ever from happening. There were several prospects Clarke was happy about that she would deny to herself for as long as she could, one was, having lunch with Lexa on daily bases. 

"Whatever," She muttered and started descending the two flights of stairs. What the hell was happening to her? It was like a Spanish soap opera vomited on her life, and now she was caught cleaning the mess.

* * *

 

"Hey," Lexa grunted as she sat in front of Clarke. The blonde nodded.

"Hey," She responded, eating her bacon.

"Hey, guys!" Jasper said sitting next to them. "Well don't you both look like the sun has touched your features." He said, and the sarcasm didn't go unnoticed. "Come on. The rumor will fade." He said, and Lexa tensed. Here we go. She hated lying. Clarke, however, appeared to have no problem fibbing.

"It's not a rumor," She said nonchalantly, not taking her eyes off the newspaper she was reading. Jasper smiled uncomfortably and looked at Lexa for any kind of objection, but none came. Lexa simply shrugged. He laughed, the discomfort still lingering on his lips.

"You're joking?"

"Nope," Clarke said still not reading her newspaper.

"You're together?"

"Yup."

"Is this some kind of weird way of making the rumor die?" Finally, Clarke looked up from her newspaper. Her face matched Lexa's which was hard and stripped from emotion.

"No. It's just true."

"Forgive me if I'm not exactly taking your word for it. How did you even get together? When?!" Lexa now looked up, and some anxiety blazed through her eyes, although it went unnoticed. She kicked Clarke and glared at her. She was not going to conjure up this story. This was Clarke's deal, let her cope with the mess.

"Well." Clarke said slightly readjusting her posture, and Lexa raised her eyebrows. "I had a flat tire," She said not reverting her gaze back to Jasper. "Lexa helped me out. We kind of decided to start over and stop having this childish tension that didn't contribute to anything. Then we got talking and started having coffee in the café near the dance studios." She said effortlessly. Jasper frowned. Clarke swiftly realized he frequented that café as well and added "Late at night. She was working late on her project."

"Why would you go all the way to the café near the dance studios when there's one near the music building?" He directed his question to Lexa.

She simply shrugged and answered "Better coffee." Jasper seemed satisfied with that answer and Clarke's features brightened. She hummed. She was pleased with Lexa cooperation.

"Then one night she asked me out." Lexa glared at her this time, though. Sure make it seem like she made the first move and that the blonde needed to be chased. Clark, not wanting to anger the brunette anymore, merely smirked. "I didn't need much convincing. I liked her, well like her." That almost sounded genuine to Lexa. She was impressed, the blonde was a very convincing liar. She managed a chuckle and shook her head.

"Then after the freak show, we kind of- I don't know- made it semi-official, and now that the rumor is out there, we might as well go with it." She said sounding tired. Jasper looked at Lexa for confirmation, and she nodded at the boy.

"Really?" Lexa hummed, indicating she was done answering his questions. She had finished her breakfast and wished to leave. "You guys still seem to have this tension, though?" Lexa rolled her eyes and stood up.

"The only tension here is sexual Jasper. I have to go. See you later." She said standing up and letting her hand brush over Clarke's shoulders. Clarke laughed at Jasper's face. Jasper's eyes followed Lexa until she left the dining hall.

"Okay, Princess spill."

"Lexa is rubbing off on you."

"Come on Clarke, since when are you even gay?"

"I never said I was straight." That wasn't a lie. Clarke never confirmed she was straight, everyone assumed. "Now back off. We already got pushed out of the closet, I don't need you prying into my personal life either." She snapped playing the sensitive 'I wasn't ready' card. It worked. Jasper's eyes softened.

"You're right. I'm sorry." He said feeling slightly embarrassed. Even his cheeks had darkened.

* * *

 

When Jasper finished his last dance lesson the next day, he found Lexa smoking in the courtyard.

"Howdy." He said sitting next to her. Lexa smiled and merely nodded in acknowledgment.

"So how was your sister's visit?" Lexa looked up curiously. Her sister?

"My sister?" She voiced. She hadn't seen or heard from Anya in over a year. 

"Sorry, Clarke already yelled at me for prying. I'm just bored, and I'm trying to make conversation."

"No, no Jasper. What do you mean? My sister? When? Where?!" How was Anya even here? Indianapolis was 14 hours from here. 

"Well you know. The visit? Didn't Clarke tell you? I mean she's your girlfriend, I assumed the message would be safe with her."

"What message?!" Lexa was angry now. She needed to know what message.

"That your sister is here and waiting." Jasper looked at her wide-eyed. "Shit. She didn't tell you. Fuck, Lex' I'm sorry." Lexa got, putting out her cigarette, and started running but then ran back.

"Where was she waiting?"

"Eliot Hall."

She ran to Eliot Hall, but only students were occupying it. She then ran to the car park in the hope of seeing her sister and she did. The blonde was sitting on her car.

"Anya!" She said jogging over to her. "How long have you been waiting?"

"Two hours," She said, no expression leaking from her face.

"I- I apologize. I wasn't informed. Though there are no excuses."

"Yet you seem to be making them." Anya snapped, and Lexa nodded. She wanted to hug her sister. She really did. It was awkward enough. She did not know how to recreate the bond they once had. Lexa had made her choice, and so had Anya. Maybe Anya was reaching out? Maybe- Lexa stepped forward, but the girl flinched. Lexa couldn't deny how hurt she was.

"Why are you here?" She said straightening her back.

"Mom's stuff. I'm moving out of the house. There's some in there for you. I don't want it." Lexa nodded and took the small box from the trunk. "I'm leaving now Lexa. You're lucky I didn't leave sooner."

"Wait! Are you selling the house?"

"Yes." Lexa wanted to ask more, but she was the one that had left. She didn't have the right to answers.

"Where will you go?" She attempted.

"That's none of your concern," Anya replied bitterly. 

"Anya!" Lexa was trying, hard. "How are you even here?" She said still not understanding. 

Anya sighed and then answered, "Nyko had some business to attend in Boston, so I tagged along, took a shopping trip." Lexa observed her with suspicion. 

"A shopping trip?" Lexa narrowed her eyes. Anya didn't like shopping. Anya seemed to get more jittery as time went on. 

"Yes," She hissed, "A shopping trip. I have to go." And with that, she hopped off the hood. 

"I miss you." Lexa tried as Anya opened her car door. The blonde halted her movements and closed her eyes. 

 She licked her lips and said as her voice broke, "As do I. You made your choice."

"Anya I didn't-"

"Enough. I didn't come here for that. " It was too much for Anya. The blonde shook her head and entered her car. She drove away without daring to look in her rear view mirror, as that would display her sister looking devastated. 

"I love you," Lexa whispered when her sister drove off. She didn't open the box. She just started making her way to her own dorm. Actually, she wanted to take the box into the showers and open it there, where she was confident no one would disturb her. She hated that she made her sister wait for two hours. It probably didn't help her mood. Who knows? Maybe Anya would've talked to her, maybe- Fucking Griffin. Self centered piece of shit. It was the first time she had thought of Clarke in such a way, but Clarke had gotten in the way of a possible opportunity to talk to Anya. She couldn't help it. She was so angry. 

Lexa didn't want to cry. God she never cried in front of anyone, with certain exceptions but when she walked through the car park a tear escaped her eye. She was frustrated she couldn't keep her emotions in check. She quickly brushed her eyes to prevent any others from falling. She walked through Eliot Hall but still felt a stiff lump in her throat. 

Lexa ended up punching a wall, to give herself some release, little as it was. When her knuckles cracked against the hard surface, she merely whimpered quietly, then hardened her features.

Clarke, who was speaking to a few girls about a certain exercise right after her class had ended, looked at the brunette curiously. In fact, they all looked at Lexa with perturbed eyes. Clarke, having left the few girls behind her, wanted to know what was wrong. Another part of her also wanted to keep up appearances. 

"Lexa?" She said carefully approaching the brunette. "Are you okay?" She asked genuinely feeling concerned when she saw Lexa's face. She hadn't seen the brunette this emotional without actually being emotional if that made sense. She placed a hand on Lexa's back, but she flinched.

"Leave me be." She hissed, and Clarke wavered.

Lexa couldn't deal with this, she started walking away while cradling her hand. Clarke, against her better judgment, followed her quick pace after listening to her instincts.

"Lexa! Hold on for a second." She said approaching the bench the brunette had chosen. Lexa's gaze snapped up and threw daggers. Clarke, feeling the pressure, took a step back, but Lexa had already risen from the bench.

"Why didn't you tell me my sister was here?!" At this point, she was fuming. Clarke could even spot some dampness around Lexa's eyes, as well as red circles. She was so upset. Clarke could see it: the swollen eyes, the tears that refused to fall, the tightened fists and the clenched jaw. The realization that she had forgotten to tell Lexa hit her. She was going to. She was planning on passing by the music building but then got distracted when her shoe sole had torn.

"Fuck. I forgot." She whispered and looked at Lexa with widened eyes. "I'm so sorry. Fuck my life." She sighed seriously regretting her actions. "There are no excuses. It was an honest mistake. How can I make this up to you?"

"You can't. Just leave me alone. She might've- Fuck. Just go. Please." Lexa pleaded, her voice cracked. Clarke nodded but then spotted Lexa's fists. The knuckles were grazed, and blood caked the flesh between her fingers. Clarke bit her lip. 

"How about you let me take care of that. I promise you'll get to insult me all the way through." This seemed to still Lexa. The blonde then noticed the tears. She wasn't sobbing, she wasn't even acknowledging the tears, but they were falling from her eyes.

"Come on." Clarke pleaded with Lexa. Lexa nodded, feeling too numb to object after she had put all her energy in the few words she had flung at Clarke's head. 

* * *

 

"Okay," She said tentatively taking hold of Lexa's hand. She put some ointment on the wounds and was surprised the brunette didn't hiss. Actually, the brunette made no sound at all nor did she look at Clarke. Her gaze was focused on nothing. She stared in front of her with a hardened gaze. Clarke was now wrapping the bandage around Lexa's wrist. She finished and placed the hand back into its owner's lap.

"I'll leave you alone now. I'm truly sorry Lexa. I wish I could go back and- I'm sorry." Clarke said walking out and actually cursing herself for her actions. She had made things notably worse between them and didn't expect to be forgiven. Whatever had happened she didn't want it to be repeated. The look on the brunette's face was not one she wanted to see again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I know Clarke's reasoning seems a bit weird, but oh well.  
> Thank you all for leaving kudos, and comments on last chapter. Next chapter will be up on Tuesday or Wednesday. I have no beta, so all mistakes are mine. If you've got questions or something don't hesitate on leaving me a comment :)  
> Also the length of chapters will vary, some can be up to 8000 words and others half that.


	4. Chapter 4

Octavia winced when she came out of contemporary jazz that morning.

"Should've stretched better." She strode down the hallway, excited about lunch hour, that was until she saw her best friend moping in the dining hall. 'Now, what?' She loved Clarke, but it hurt her to see the blonde upset half of the time. When she found out about Lexa, though surprised as she was, she assumed it would improve the blonde's mood. Given how stressed the blonde was, Octavia had hoped Lexa would take some of the duties off her hands, not that she disliked taking care of Clarke, but she believed Lexa would do a better job, especially as they had just gotten together. They should've been experiencing pure bliss.

"Hey, friend." She said sitting next to the blonde and immediately enhanced her mood. Clarke smiled widely, actively hiding her cloudy temper, as she did so often. "What's up?"

"Doing some research on Greek tragedy. Aristotle's the man." She said waving around a book and cracking a smile. In the meantime, Octavia had managed to conjure up a snack from her bag. By the time she bit into her energy bar, a certain brunette had approached their table.

"There's your girl," Octavia muttered, not trying to hide her delight. Clarke's eyes slowly peeked up from her book and smiled, as best as she could. She was surprised, and relieved, to see Lexa approach her table. She had not shown up for lunch the last two days and Clarke was afraid she would have to awkwardly tell her friends they 'broke up.' Lexa sat down without saying a word and took out a book as well.

"Hi," Clarke said shyly, and Lexa smiled.

After a few minutes or so, she stood up and fetched some food from the cafeteria as well as a latte. Arriving at the table, again silently, she went back to reading her book, while sipping her coffee.

"Well aren't you two the exciting couple?" Octavia muttered disappointedly. She had been looking forward to seeing the interaction between the two, to see what Lexa was like with a significant other, but this was just pathetic. Had she not known they were a couple she would never suspect otherwise. In fact, she would assume they weren't even friends. Perhaps they were shy? Lexa, on one hand, looked up from her book and realized she had to make an effort. She gave Clarke her word.

She tightened her jaw but before she could say anything Clarke asked: "What are you reading?" Lexa bit her lip and cringed at the blonde's voice, subtle enough that Octavia didn't notice her hesitance, but at the same time felt relieved Clarke had saved her from initiating a conversation before she felt ready to do so. She cleared her throat and shortly answered the blonde's inquiry.

"Nabokov." Clarke read the title of the book 'Lolita.' She had heard of the book, it was a classic, but she shamefully admitted to herself that she had not made the time to read it. The love story that many had remarked being pedophilia did not appeal to her. Watching Lexa read it with a great deal of attention, made her reconsider.

"Read some to me?" The blonde pleaded and Lexa quirked an eyebrow, she then glanced at Octavia and nodded curtly.

"I left in great spirits. Steering my wife's car with one finger, I contentedly rolled homeward. Ramsdale had, after all, lots of charm. The cicadas whirred; the avenue had been freshly watered. Smoothly, almost silkily, I turned down into our steep little street. Everything was somehow so right that day. So blue and green." At this point, Lexa looked up and glanced at the blues in front of her. Clarke's gaze didn't waver. She then looked down watching the letters, before breathing in and continuing "I knew the sun shone because my ignition key was reflected in the windshield, and I knew it was exactly half past three because the nurse who came to massage Miss Opposite every afternoon was tripping down the narrow sidewalk in her white stockings and shoes."

This, reading, was Lexa's comfort zone, for now. Octavia rolled her eyes as Lexa's pages filled the silence until the brunette had to leave. She got up and tightened her jaw when she brushed her hand over Clarke's shoulder. To make it believable, tiny gestures of affection were mandatory, no matter how much it made Lexa ache for distance and isolation.

After that, Lexa brought Lolita to lunch every day. Octavia had commented on how their silent lunches were starting to weird her out and their concept of romance was eccentric, though she could see the appeal of being read to and the intimacy that created, she still found their silence outlandish.

"I hope she isn't this silent when you two are alone," She said one Thursday afternoon, a week later.

"No." Clarke lied and smiled. "She's just not into PDA, any kind of form." She lied again.

"Yeah but talking-"

"Leave her alone Octavia. She's got a lot on her plate. This makes her feel better." Another lie Clarke pulled out of her ass. She hated it. The dopey smile on Octavia's face when her friend started cooing her, made her squirm even more.

"You guys are sickeningly cute, especially that smile Griffin."

_'What smile? What?'_

* * *

 

When Lexa sat down the next day, she managed a "Hey," the first words in weeks she had intended for Clarke and not simply as a filler. After a while she had stopped reading Nabokov in her spare time and only read to Clarke, it had become a safety blanket. She did not wish to speak to the blonde, let alone look at her conscientiously. She only managed to glance at the blonde now and then, which in truth did not make her cringe as much as it did a few weeks ago. Alternatively, that might be a result of not speaking to each other.

By now they were about 70 pages further into the book and, this time, Clarke cringed when she heard the content.

"You would give me one look--a gray furry question mark of a look: 'Oh no, not again' (incredulity, exasperation); for you never deigned to believe that I could, without any specific designs, ever crave to bury my face in your plaid skirt, my darling! The fragility of those bare arms of yours--how I longed to enfold them, all your four limpid lovely limbs, a folded colt, and take your head between my unworthy hands, and pull the temple-skin back on both sides, and kiss your Chinesed eyes, and--'Pulease, leave me alone, will you,' you would say, 'for Christ's sake leave me alone.' And I would get up from the floor while you looked on, your face deliberately twitching in imitation of my tic nerveux. But never mind, never mind, I am only a brute, never mind, let us go on with my miserable story."

"He can be such a cunt." It was the first time she had interrupted the brunette and in turn received a well-deserved glare. This was not their dynamic. Lexa would read, and Clarke would listen. It was not necessarily the content of Clarke's reaction that made Lexa glare, but the mere existence of the reaction. Yes, he was a cunt and in truth, she had grown a little tired of the book, although her perfectionism would not let her put down a book without having read it back to back. She was growing impatient, and although not knowing it now, she would be tempted three afternoons later, to read in her room and finish the book, already having a different book in mind for their next lunch.

When Clarke got up, she interjected Jasper on her way out.

"Hey." She chirped and watched Raven follow him out. They were both raving about tech stuff, not something Clarke necessarily knew much about. She had taken film history last year, not tech and lighting as both of them did.

"Seriously I would be able to get off with speakers alone."

"Raven, you'd be able to get off with a stick if it smiled at you."

"Hey Clarke, on your way out?" He asked glancing behind her and watching Lexa eat her dessert alone.

"Yeah I have class. Lexa is still here, though." She said pointing behind her, but he already knew that. "See you later guys." In fact, Clarke didn't have class, but she wanted to leave. She wasn't going to lie, she didn't dislike listening to Lexa, the girl had a nice voice, but given her own guilt and general dislike of the girl, she craved some space.

"Uhh, no speakers are way more attractive, plus they vibrate," Raven smirked, and Jasper lost his cool.

"That is just no, ew. If I ever find you naked in there, grinding against one of those speakers-"

"You'll what?" Jasper was lost for words.

"Have you...?" He asked suspiciously.

"Not alone." She winked.

"No, too much information. Jesus fucking Christ Raven."

"Who?" He then asked with a high pitched voice as they approached the table Lexa was occupying. She was playing with her ice cream, trying to avoid the chocolate flavored scoop occupying the middle of her bowl. She wrinkled her nose at the sight of the brown liquid seeping into the other flavors.

"Harper, Bellamy once."

"Wait? What? You slept with Bellamy?!" He said a bit too loudly, and Lexa looked up.

"I don't think they heard you on Beckett Court." She said playfully.

"Sorry. Hey, Lexa." He muttered quietly. He eyed the half melted ice cream but decided to leave it.

"Hey, dude," Raven said throwing a quick glance at Lexa, in return she received a groan. "I slept with him once. It was nice, but that's all."

"Does Octavia know?" Raven shrugged.

"I don't know. Maybe, I didn't tell her, but it's not like it's a secret. Jasper, calm down. You're acting like this is big news."

"Well, it kind of is. Octavia is already calling us incest."

"What?" Lexa voiced.

"Couples in the same friend group." She gave a low hum and went back to scraping her chocolate ice cream. Raven rolled her eyes.

"You and Monty have been together for years, even before you came here. And what or rather who I fuck or don't fuck is my business."

"Does Finn know?" This time, Jasper left a hurt expression on Raven's face.

"Of course, he does. That's the point. We tell each other when stuff like that happens. That's how a healthy open relationship works."

"Really? I thought you two weren't dating at all."

"I- Jasper, can you just stop?" Raven had a quick temper and did not shy away when she felt the heat rise to her fingertips. She balled her hands.

"Whatever, first, you don't want to label it then you do. Make up your mind. You bisexuals, I swear." Lexa widened her eyes. Raven was about the burst. It wasn't long before she actually did and started, in her own right, verbally attacking Jasper.

* * *

 

Three days later, Lexa managed to get a hundred pages further and without explanation read the next passage at lunch the following day.

"She wore a brown, sleeveless cotton dress and sloppy felt slippers. 'We--e--ell!' she exhaled after a pause with all the emphasis of wonder and welcome. 'Husband at home?' I croaked, fist in pocket. I could not kill her, of course, as some have thought. You see, I loved her. It was love at first sight, at last sight, at ever and ever sight. 'Come in,' she said with a vehement cheerful note."

Clarke looked at her accusingly. "You've skipped a part!" This time, Lexa did not glare at her, she, however, glanced with a guilty, yet amused, expression, at Clarke. She then shrugged but halted reading when Clarke crossed her arms and pouted.

"You could, at least, tell me what happens in between." Lexa chuckled.

"I'll lend you the book." That was the second thing Lexa had said to Clarke directly. Lexa closed the book and handed it to Clarke. Clarke smiled and reached for the book. She skimmed her hands over the rough spine and wanted to talk to Lexa more. She liked being read to, in truth she like Lexa reading to her. As much as she liked to convince herself that she didn't enjoy spending time with Lexa, she failed. The mere fact that she had to convince herself told enough. That wouldn't keep her from making an ass out of herself in front of her, though. Nor would it keep her from being snarky out of self-preservation. The thought of Lexa disliking her while she thought the opposite was a pill too bitter to swallow.  

Before she could open her mouth, Lexa was leaving, and instantly Clarke remembered why Lexa was acting the way she was. Clarke was guilty, and she wanted to atone for her actions. 

"Lexa. Wait." Clarke said standing up but almost lost her courage when the brunette did glare at her. Clarke let out a sharp breath and said: "I'm sorry." She was apologizing, she was trying, whatever the outcome may be.

Lexa looked down knowing exactly why the blonde was apologizing to her, but it wasn't good enough. 

The next day however when Clarke left before Lexa was finished eating, the brunette glanced at the napkin Clarke had left, intrigued by it. By now both Octavia and Raven had joined them for lunch. Before she could crane her neck and get a better look at the napkin, that obviously had something draw on, Octavia reached for it and awed.

Lexa's eyes ducked back into her food, but Octavia waved the napkin in her face. Lexa let out some frustrated steam and looked at the napkin. It was her, well a silhouette of her. It was her without any detailed features, except her hair. The distinctive braid gave away the identity of Clarke's doodle. Lexa felt self-conscious, even more. She felt angry. Not sure where the resentment came from, she got up ignoring both Octavia and Raven's objections.

* * *

 

"How's Contemporary II treating you? I hope Joe is getting through to you." Abby spoke up one Friday night. Clarke was surprised by her mother's interested. She raised her eyebrows and was pleasantly surprised by the question. She was happy her little deal with Lexa was paying off. After having Lexa read to her at lunch for two weeks now, one thing was certain. Clarke didn't like having this constant tension anymore.

"It's going great. I had a little freak out last week, but he really comforted me. I was really surprised, he can be a bit of hard ass and talk more at you than to you, but it felt really nice."

"I'm glad to hear that." Her mother said putting a portion of peas on Clarke's plate. Her face fell. Fucking peas. She was 19 years old, and her mother was still serving her things she didn't like. And this wasn't her being difficult. Clarke would say, this was just her mother disregarding her. Peas were, after all, one of the few things she did not like.

"How's Lexa?" Her mother asked. Clarke wasn't sure whether her mother wanted her to answer. Her question was formed in a way that her voice almost turned high pitched in the end. She sounded unsure of the question in itself.

"She's great," Clarke answered not really knowing the answer.

"Really?" Her mother pondered.

"Yes," Clarke said sounding suspicious but her mother shrugged.

"I don't mean to pry love, but I do know her file and after what happened with her sister two weeks ago, I would expect her not to be doing so well still. I do notice my students. And it's no secret she got kicked out of her house." Clarke choked on her water.

"You're right. It is none of your business mom." Clarke snapped not exactly knowing where her anger had originated. She stood up and made her way up to her studio.

She looked at some of the paintings she was working on. She even smiled when she looked at Raven's nude. She liked painting the brunette much to Finn's disdain at first. She pursed her lips and started collecting some pigments. She was brushing the paint on the canvas. She liked working with contrast. She wasn't the biggest fan of green, but she started using it today. Blue-green and purple on the cloth with some gray and golden in it too. She didn't know where this was going, not that she usually did. She painted from the heart, not the head, though the images she ended up with were something that had been stuck in her head. She used painting as some sort of diary or therapy, to confront herself with something she already knew but hadn't brought up to herself.

Before she knew it, two hours had gone by, and her mother was already yelling for her to come down.

"Clarke! I'm leaving, so if you want a ride, we have to go now!" She rolled her eyes. _'If she wanted a ride?'_ She had a suitcase full of stuff as she used her mother's laundry room instead of the one at school; of course, she wanted a ride.

"Give me five minutes. I was painting!" She quickly washed her brushes and her hands using the sponge by the sink. Luckily she had already packed. Fifteen minutes later she stumbled down the stairs only to be met with her mother's scowl.

"What?"

"You said five minutes."

"Yeah?" Her mother sighed and drew her brows together.

"Come on then."

* * *

 

Soon after she unpacked she headed over to the pool, looking for Octavia. She hadn't seen her friend for a few days and wanted to hang out. "

"Hey, Bellamy," Clarke said when she sat down next to the boy. They were at the gym, and he liked to swim on the weekends. He usually came her with his sister, but Octavia was nowhere to be spotted. "No Octavia?"

"She's still sleeping off a hangover." Clarke looked at the clock.

"It's 5 pm."

"Yup."

"So how have you been? I feel like we haven't hung out in ages." the boy seemed to both perk and slump down at the same time.

"I've been alright, and I've missed you too Clarkey," He said bumping his shoulder against hers. That's not exactly what Clarke meant, but she supposed she did miss him. Kind of. She appreciated his honesty. Ironically, honesty was important to Clarke.

"I've been doing lots of laps. Octavia has been dragging me to parties and trying to get me to go on dates. I'm actually grateful she isn't here, or she would be badgering me about all the cute girls present." He said, and Clarke smiled tightly.

"So you been on any dates then?" She asked. She wanted him to go on dates. They dated for about a month, a good year ago and he hadn't had anyone solid after that. She just wanted her friend back, even if that was selfish.

"Nah. No girl has really caught my attention."

"Yeah I know what you mean," Clarke said. It just slipped out. She hadn't meant for it to slip out. She was supposed to have a girlfriend. "I mean- no other girl has caught my attention." She corrected herself hoping the boy wouldn't suspect anything. Bellamy simply nodded. In a way, it was true what she said. She wasn't consciously ' _interested'_ in anybody; she was preoccupied with dance and well, with Lexa. 

"You'll probably want to go have some food with her then?" He said, but Clarke was confused. He mirrored her expression as if she was supposed to know something. He nodded in the direction of the floor above them where the treadmills were looking over the pool. Lexa was running on one of them.

"Oh." She couldn't really muster up an excuse to why she didn't know Lexa was here. They had to work on this. If they wanted to keep this up, she needed to know certain things or people would start asking questions.

"You didn't know? She's here every day." Bellamy stated. 

"No, no! I do know. I've just been painting a lot today. I'm a bit out of it. She knows how I get." She said, and it was believable. They had dated, after all, so he did know how she got. When Clarke looked up again, the brunette was gone.

"I figured that's why you were here."

"No, I was actually looking for O," She said absent-mindedly.

After doing a good amount of lapses alongside Bellamy, they both showered and changed. They actually crossed Lexa in the hallway on their way to the cafeteria.

"Hey," Clarke said awkwardly, and Lexa was no better, she stood there unsettled. Clarke eyed Lexa up and down. She stared at the long toned legs which her workout shorts revealed. The minute she caught herself staring she looked away hoping she wouldn't blush.

"Hey." She repeated but didn't know what else to say. Truth be told she was still hurt by what happened with Anya and even though her problems with Anya weren't Clarke's fault, she felt the tendency to blame the blonde for not telling her Anya was there and indirectly ruining an opportunity of easing things over with Anya. The last few weeks had been okay. Having lunch with Clarke wasn't as daunting as Lexa had thought, but anything else seemed too much, even though it had been nice. She had to admit to herself that she had enjoyed it. Somehow reading to each other had smoothed things over and kept them from entering their endless cycle of sarcastic bickering. Were it not for what happened with Anya they would probably be on their way of being friends right now. 

Lexa smiled and then continued, which in turn made Clarke sigh. She really didn't want this.  Clarke wanted to talk to her, get to know her, from the beginning if she was honest with herself. She had just wound her web in such a way it felt like there was no way out of bitter rift she had created between them. It was nice now, though. She even found herself oddly attracted to the brunette. Then again not so oddly if Clarke only for a second could be truthful to herself.

"Trouble in paradise?" Bellamy asked and for once Clarke couldn't convince herself to lie. Even though lying came quite easy to her, she disliked lying. She abhorred been lied to, so it was only fair.

"Yeah," She said genuinely feeling sad. Bellamy's eyes brightened just a little though he tried to hide it.

"Excuse me." Clarke said actually wanting to settle this with Lexa once and for all. She didn't know why she cared, maybe it was all a bit too tiring. It took too much of her energy and she had none to spare. She ran after the brunette or rather in the direction Lexa took. When the silhouette appeared from behind the corner she yelled "Lex'!" unintentionally using an abbreviation. Lexa turned around. She was surprised to find Clarke following her but the pinch of distaste still tickled the back of her throat.

"What is it, Clarke?" Yup defenses up, that's how she was going to play this game.

"Lexa...I just wanted to know whether we could speak in private?" Lexa paused but then nodded after having considered Clarke's request.

"Alright." Clarke gripped Lexa's arm and lead them both to a rather large conference room. It was empty.

"What's up Clarke?" Lexa asked feeling uncomfortable, especially in such a big space. She felt scrutinized under Clarke's gaze. 

"You've been avoiding me."

"We aren't spending any less time together," Lexa answered. They never spent time outside of lunch. The theory was that they disliked each other, right?

"I meant- you know what I meant. I don't want to have lunches filled with tensions or book readings, even though I enjoyed Lolita." She trailed off but then glanced at Lexa determinedly "Look. I know we had a bad start, which is mostly my fault, and after what happened with your sister-" Lexa winced at the memory, but Clarke put her hand on her arm, trying to plead with more than just words. "Which is also my fault-but I'd like us to actually make a fresh start. Everyone already thinks we have." She said and Lexa snorted.

"A fresh start?"

"Lexa-"

"Why do you want that in the first place? Everything is working out fine. Everyone thinks we're together."

"I suppose I dislike having a problem with someone I actually have to see daily." She lied, she just didn't want to have a problem with Lexa at all. She never wanted to, but the brunette just seemed to aggravate her so much at first. It brought out the worst in Clarke because she felt insecure around Lexa. Especially, the first time she had met her. 

"We've been having a 'problem' for almost two months, why does it bother you so much now?" Lexa asked her eyes casting downwards. 

"Because now I have to pretend that you are my girlfriend and it would be easier faking it with someone I actually don't hate half of the time. These last two weeks haven't been easy."

Lexa took a step back, it was small but big enough for Clarke to notice. She crossed her arms, creating a barrier between them.

"Well, you aren't exactly a picnic either." And so the bickering started again. Clarke plucked up some courage. 

"So let's bury the hatchet!" It came out louder than she had wanted. She had fired off the words with a canon hoping her confidence would stay intact once she had done so.

"How will that make me dislike you any less or vice versa?" That wasn't true. Lexa didn't dislike Clarke, but that's what Clarke had said right? They disliked each other. Also, this conversation was simply inspiring her to be more spiteful. She didn't like it and Clarke made her feel disconcerted. She didn't wish to avoid Clarke, but she was afraid what would happen if she would actively start spending time with her.

"Why are you so hostile?"

" _I'm_ hostile? Your judgment about me was set in stone the day we met and then you wonder why I'm hostile? How was a supposed to react after you were a bitch to me the first time we met?" And there it was. Open and naked, the truth, lying on the floor, caked around their feet.

"I realize that and I'm sorry." Lexa didn't expect that. The blonde didn't seem like the type that admitted shitty behavior, let alone apologize for it. Clarke was trying, again. She had apologized more than once, hell more than twice for what happened with Anya, and now she was apologizing for all of it, whether she had been able to control it at the time or not. Clarke sighed and stepped closer to the brunette. "Lexa- I really am sorry, besides I don't dislike you as much as you'd like to think," Clarke said, putting herself out there which truly made Lexa feel more comfortable. She pinched the bridge of her nose. So Clarke didn't dislike her? She shifted from one leg to the other. 

"Fine," She said weakly with a low voice. "Can I leave now?"

"No."

"Clarke-" Lexa said feeling exasperated now. 

"Have dinner with Bellamy and me?" Clarke was throwing her a bone. Lexa's face never betrayed her feelings. Her mask was on, an item which was on Clarke's pet peeve list. "Oh my God! Don't make me freaking beg! I'm waving my peace flag, will you just take it?!" She said a bit more forcefully. Lexa was somewhat impressed. Secretly, she rather liked this half bothered, half humorous Clarke. She had apologized so many times now and two weeks had passed. In truth, Lexa knew that Anya wouldn't have treated her any differently had Clarke managed to pass on the message in time. Her problems with Anya ran deeper than Lexa's blame, no matter how much she wanted to blame Clarke for that she could not. She nodded mentally to herself.

_'Bury it, Lex.'_

"Alright," She smirked shyly. "I don't dislike you either, by the way." She said feeling relieved. It was silent, and Clarke blinked. Her phone buzzed. It was Bellamy. Clarke cleared her throat. 

"Great. Let's go." Clarke said still flushed by their whole conversation. When they reached the end of the hallway and turned the corner, Clarke reached out to Lexa's hand. Lexa shot her a curious look and wanted to drag her hand back but quickly caught on when she saw Bellamy waiting near the entrance of the pool's restaurant. Clarke held her hand in place and gave her a pointed look. 

"Bellamy nearly caught on before," She whispered to Lexa. The brunette nodded, and then entwined her fingers with the blonde, surprising them both. This was quite the step to take after only just having had their slate cleaned. 

Then Lexa noticed the blonde's hands were freakishly soft and got distracted from her initial questions. She frowned and even looked at them. Why the hell were her hands so freaking soft? She made a point to ask Clarke if she used any hand cream. Then again admitting she found Clarke's hands very soft and welcoming might not be the best idea.

Clarke was relieved and subconsciously squeezed Lexa's hand. Maybe she was trying to make a point to Bellamy. He had gloated when he realized Lexa and Clarke were fighting, so maybe she did want to prove a point.

"Hey. Let's go have some food." She smiled. She genuinely smiled for the first time in weeks. She felt relieved, there was no chip on her shoulder. Lexa on the other hand was still slightly on the fence, but she would keep her word, the hatchet was buried. Then there were those fucking soft hands, not to speak of her eyes, or those lips.

_'Stop.'_

When Lexa was slurping her Ramen noodle soup she felt at ease. She didn't mind Bellamy's company, sober that was. He was nice enough, he didn't do a good job hiding his jealousy, every now and then he would clench his jaw. It wasn't a well kept secret that Bellamy had a thing for Clarke. She pitied the guy but at the same time did not enjoy his attitude towards Clarke when he would drink. Even though their relationship was fake, it was real to others and she wanted to be able to respect the people she had grown to call friends. Making a move on someone's girlfriend was not something she could respect. Not respecting a girl's boundaries was something she respected even less.

"So when's your final performance?" Bellamy asked. Clarke started breathing in heavily. She was obviously stressed, even more so when she ran her hands through her hair.  
"It's in 5 weeks. I don't know what I'm going to do, I have so much to work on before I'd even be close to being ready-" She was ranting but Lexa put her hand on Clarke's shoulder. The blonde instantly stopped rambling and slumped back into her chair.

"It'll be alright." Lexa said not even knowing when or where the performance was. She made a mental note to consider attending it. She wanted to test the waters.

* * *

 

When Lexa went home that night found Monty crying on her bed. Lexa wasn't one to pry or meddle with other people but the sight of the sobbing girl was heart wrenching.

"What's wrong?" Lexa asked. Monty looked up but seemed to be clinging to her body.

"Monty?"

"Can you cut my hair?" Lexa raised her eyebrows and then pursed her lips.

"Sure," she said hesitantly. They stood in front of the mirror when Lexa asked her "How short?"

"Just take all of it. But don't make me look bald, just give me a super short hear cut." Lexa looked perplexed. She let go of the long black locks and petted the girls hair for an instant.

"Are you sure? Monty, maybe we should talk about what's going on before we do anything drastic-"

"Just take it off!" Monty had yelled. Lexa clenched her jaw. She was getting really tired of people yelling at her. Fine. She would cut Monty's hair. She took a pair of dull scissors and started cutting the hair. The finished result wasn't too bad. Monty looked relieved. When she looked more closely, Monty's chest looked flat, really flat. It's not like Lexa particularly eyed her roommates chest, but she knew she had breasts. She decided not to ask. Monty would tell her when she was ready, whatever it was.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the comments and kudos :) if you have any questions of remarks feel free to leave a comment.  
> Next chapter will be up Friday or Saturday. After that school starts so expect things to slow down a little.


	5. Chapter 5

"So Lexa, how are your modules going?" Lexa swallowed the meatball she was chewing on.

"They're going very well, Mrs. Griffin," Lexa replied. 

"Call me Abby." Lexa gave her a flat smile.

"Yes, ma'am- Abby." They had been 'dating' for some time now, and they were in a better place after having had that conversation. They even hung out outside their lunches and had both enjoyed it. Now two weeks later, Lexa was sitting here after Clarke begged her to come. 

 

_"Please, please," Lexa was closing her eyes and getting frustrated. She was trying to block out the untiring blonde. "Please, please, please, please, please, Lexa." Lexa groaned._

_"Fine! God. You're annoying."_

 

"What about you Clarke how is your piece going?" Lexa could already see the blonde's face turning. She gave her girlfriend an encouraging smile, hoping the blonde wouldn't be too stressed. She had a temper to her.

"It's fine," Clarke said after taking a deep breath. Abby nodded. The dinner was awkward, to say the least. Abby was trying to make conversation. The two younger women, however, were too focused on their food, and perhaps even each other.

Abby readjusted her posture and asked another question. "The benefit is in a few days. I assume you'll be taking Lexa, Clarke?" The blonde was caught off guard.

_'Shit.'_

She had forgotten about the benefit. Lexa was already doing her a favor by sitting through this dinner, there was no way she would accompany her to the benefit. At least this year her mother wouldn't set her up with one of her colleagues' sons. She had an excuse now.

"I haven't asked her yet," Clarke muttered.

"Oh well, you must Lexa. Clarke has to have a date. It would be highly inappropriate for her to show up without one." Clarke's forehead creased. No, it wouldn't. One minute her mother was reminiscing about smoking weed while attending feminist performance art and then the next she would be telling her about etiquette. Her mother's double standard was unparalleled. Clarke clenched her jaw and shook her head.

"I don't know whether I have time." Lexa tried.

"Nonsense." Abby was relentless. Lexa searched for Clarke's gaze, but the blonde refused to look up.

"At what time is it?" Abby perked up.

"It's at 7 pm on Thursday." Lexa nodded and Clarke looked at her attentively. After dinner, Lexa helped Abby with the dishes. Clarke, who had been sitting impatiently on the stairs, sighed audibly.

"Clarke you could've always helped us instead of pouting like a petulant child." Abby scolded. She shrugged feeling vexed. Lexa glanced behind her shoulder and sighed. Clarke could get in one of those moods. She put down a dish and approached the blonde.

"Finally," Clarke grumbled as she took Lexa's hand and guided her upstairs.

"Hatch open Clarke!" Clarke rolled her eyes at her mother's attempt to control her sexual activity, as she pushed through the hatch.

"What the hell was that?" Clarke snapped. Lexa breathed out steam as she sat at the edge of the hatch's opening.

"What?" She said under her breath. Clarke rolled her eyes again and helped Lexa up while she closed the hatch quietly.

"Why did you agree to go to the benefit?"

"I thought you'd be pleased. I don't even want to go. I didn't even want to come to this dinner."

"So why offer?"

"As if your mother was going to let that go! I'd rather go to some benefit than have two Griffin women talk my ear off." It was quite funny how acquainted they had gotten in only two-three weeks. The discomfort both of them felt when they had initially met had evaporated by getting to know one another better. Their pet peeves became endearing, and their bickering turned into playful banter. Though one could hardly call what was happening now, playful. 

"Do you even have clothes for that kind of thing?" Clarke pondered out loud. Lexa looked at her angrily. Sometimes Clarke really did act like a Princess.

"Thanks, Griffin."

"I didn't mean it like that." Lexa shook her head and was heading towards the hatch. Clarke groaned at herself. For a sag-cap cusp, she really put her foot in her mouth more often than not. "Lexa, come on. I'm just- I'm worried okay?" Lexa looked at her and nodded. The blonde had helped her out last week. She had met Oscar and was able to send him some tapes. He even said he liked them and she would be able to spin next term. She had been ecstatic. That was their deal. Clarke would help her and vice versa.

"Why do you care so much about making a good impression?!" Lexa questioned a bit harsher than she intended. Clarke was always so worried about what people thought. Lexa liked how Clarke was, sure she could really be an asshole at times, but overall Clarke was a fun person to be around. She didn't understand why Clarke constantly thought she had to make an impression on people. No wonder she did more bad than good, because she actually was trying to be someone she wasn't. "They're only-"

"They're sponsors Lex," Clarke said quietly. The nickname had become habitual of late. "I'm going to have to deal with them at some point in my life. That's why I'm trying to get out of here. I want to try to build a world of my own, not live in my mother's." This was the moment Lexa understood how much Abby impacted Clarke. If anything she could attribute this unhealthy insecurity to Clarke's mother. The Clarke, who was talking to her now, was real. She was genuine. She didn't try to put on a facade so people would like her. Lexa could hardly blame her, though. She had her own mask she wore for protection. It was that easy to get rid of. 

Lexa bit her lip and sighed. "You're right. I have no fancy clothes. Not that fancy anyways." Clarke smiled, though regret vibrated through her body. She was thankful for the nonhostile honesty.

"I have dresses you can wear from when I was younger and thinner," Lexa smirked.

"I'm not _that_ skinny."

"Girl, I've got curves, you don't. Well-" Clarke looked at the line between Lexa's waist and Lexa's hips, "Not as much, anyway." She widened her eyes and cleared her throat, "You'd think you'd be the dancer, and I was the music major." Lexa crossed her arms and pouted. Clarke laughed. "Come on," She said opening the hatch.

Lexa had never actually gone to Clarke's room. She'd only ever been up in the art studio. They descended one floor and reached the second door on the left.

"Okay," Clarke said closing the door behind her. It wasn't as big as Lexa had expected. It was rather small actually considering the size of the house. Did Clarke have siblings? What the hell was taking up so much space?

"What?" Clarke muttered when she saw Lexa looking around.

"Nothing." Lexa blushed.

"Okay then. Right, here are a few dresses that should work. Don't worry, my mother made sure I never looked like a teenager, so they're very adult." She said pointing at the dresses. Clarke raised her eyebrows. "Go on then."

Lexa shifted awkwardly and sat on Clarke's bed. She looked at the dresses. She let her fingers trace over the materials and smiled shyly. She lingered over a long black dress.

"You want to try it on?" Clarke voiced having now moved to her bed. She laid her head lazily against the headboard.

"Yeah." Clarke waited expectantly. "Perv." Lexa chuckled, and Clarke rolled her eyes.

"I can either close my eyes, or you can hurry all the way to the bathroom on the other side of the house."

"You better keep them closed Griffin." Lexa said and she turned around for precaution. She pulled off her sweater and pushed down her black skinny jeans. She glanced behind her, Clarke still had her eyes closed. She smirked. She stepped into the dress and tried to get the zipper to close.

"What's taking so long Woods? I'm starting to fall asleep here." Clarke voiced.

"Just the zipper-" Lexa stuttered, having a hard time looking over her shoulder. In fact, she was getting a neck cramp. 

Clarke peeked through one eye. Her breath caught in her throat when she saw Lexa's exposed back. She wasn't wearing a bra. Clarke's eyes widened. Had she not been wearing one this whole time? She noticed a few freckles on the back of Lexa's neck.

"It has a low back," Clarke muttered.

"Oh."

"Hold on you haven't zipped it up completely, though." Clarke carefully reached out. She had a hard time keeping her hands from trembling. She breathed in deeply and looked away. "All done."

"You have a mirror?" Clarke nodded and opened her closet door. There was a mirror on the inside. Lexa looked at herself and raised her eyebrows unnoticeably. Her expression twitched a little. "Thank you." She said glancing over her shoulder and caught the blonde completely in awe.

Next to the mirror were pictures of a man. He stood next to an obviously younger Clarke. They were smiling.

"I should go soon, Clarke." Lexa voiced.

"Okay?" Clarke closed her eyes again.

Lexa cleared her throat and muttered, "I have a thing for the radio club- people." She said breathing in deeply. She held her breath in anticipation of the blonde's reaction. They seemed cool, based in the basement of TCA. "You can open them."

"Oh, Raven is down there from time to time."

"Oh. Right. Cool." Lexa smiled tightly which made Clarke roll her eyes.

"What is it?"

"Nothing, I'm just nervous."

"You're admitting to being nervous? Wow, that's a first. The tall, dark and brooding Lexa Woods afraid of the radio kids."

"I'm not afraid! Just nervous. And you're not exactly helping Griffin."

"You'll be fine."

"I really do have to go. Thanks for the dress." She smiled at the blonde and folded it neatly on the bed. Clarke got up and chaperoned Lexa to her front door.

* * *

 

After catching the bus, Lexa managed to get to the basement of Beckett Court. When she descended into the gloomy pit, she searched for life.

"Hello?" she echoed, and a scruffy looking guy peeked his head out of a sound box.

"Can I help you?" Lexa held out the flyer, which said they were looking for help and possibly new radio hosts. He eyed the brunette skeptically. "You know speaking is required for this position." He deadpanned. Lexa stared him down with some hostility in her eyes.

"I speak when I have something to say." She responded, and he seemed impressed by her answer.

"Fair enough. Okay, you can help me lay out some of the schedules. If you got cool ideas bring them to Raven." Raven? So the brunette was down here more than just sometimes. She seemed to be running the show.

"Raven Reyes?"

"You know her?"

"A little."

"Raven figures out whether something is technically possible, but I'm in charge of content." Okay, that made sense.

"Okay. Where can I find Raven? Is she around?"

"I think she's in the sound box," He mumbled at pointed at some stairs. Lexa breathed in carefully.

When she reached the top of the stairs, and the sound box, she heard whimpering. She widened her eyes, but before she could get out of, there she heard a strangled moan. She ran down the stairs but then cursed herself. She needed to talk to Raven. She had Eliàn's blessing to work there, she needed Raven's and she did not feel like coming back tomorrow. She huffed and walked back up those stairs.

"Raven, if you think you can touch that again after- Oh my God." Another moan. Lexa didn't know what to do. She breathed in, and her mask was on.

She knocked on the door and heard some startled movement alongside Raven cussing. When Raven opened the door, a blonde girl leaped out of the room from behind her.

"Harper! You don't- great. Thanks. What do you want Lexa?" Lexa looked at her passively.

"I'd like to work here. Eliàn is fine with it, are you?"

"Uhh- are you our new host?"

"I don't know yet. Maybe, maybe not."

"Right, well then, welcome to the family. You didn't really need my blessing, Eliàn is in charge here. He just likes to make me feel included." Lexa's eyes hardened. Great, she had made a fool out of herself for nothing. "So- how's Clarke?" Raven, asked and Lexa nodded. This was the time to be convincing Lexa.

"She's great." Lexa flashed her, her biggest smile.

"Really? With the benefit coming up tomorrow, you'd think she'd be in a fouler mood." How did she even know about the benefit?

"Uh-" Lexa stuttered but recomposed herself in time. "Well she's as moody as ever, but I managed to cheer her up last night." Lexa smiled but when Raven quirked her eyebrow and started chuckling she repeated her own sentence in her mind and realized how that sounded. "I mean-"

"Hey Woods, if you can 'cheer up' Clarke Griffin just like that, I regret not getting to you before she did." She winked. Lexa widened her eyes and could feel the crimson crawl on her cheeks. "Relax, I'm joking. Well, no actually I'm not. I mean, I wouldn't do anything now-" She closed her eyes. Foot in mouth. "I'm happy you make Clarke happy, God knows she wasn't before you got here."

_'Right.'_

* * *

 

The next day at lunch, Monty had joined Lexa. The girl had decided to accompany Lexa after they had passed each other in the hall. She was scratching the back of her head, and even though Lexa was looking at her with a blank expression, she was curious why the raven-headed girl was so nervous.

"What's up?" She muttered while pushing some pulled pork down her throat.

"Nothing."

"You seem nervous."

"Do I?" Lexa tipped her head and arched her eyebrows. "I'm not nervous. I'm excited." Lexa smiled amusingly.

"What's got you excited hon?"

"It's my little secret." Lexa arched her eyebrows higher.

"You do realize we live together. I'm bound to find out." Monty chuckled and was about to tell her what she got off Amazon, but before she could, Clarke sat down next to Lexa and dominated the brunette's attention.

"Food. Finally." She looked at the long cue though and sighed. She glanced at Lexa's extra plate of fries and then looked at Lexa with bright eyes. Without even having to ask Lexa rolled her eyes and shifted the plate in front of the blonde.

"Don't eat them all," She grumbled.

"Thank you." She squealed and without thinking, wrapped her arms around Lexa's neck and hugged her tightly. Lexa, however, surprised, cracked a smile after Clarke retracted her arms.

"Whatever Princess." Clarke glared at her. By now Jasper had found his girlfriend and sat next to her after giving her a peck on the lips.

"I like the new haircut Monts. I didn't get a chance to tell you before. It's really becoming." Clarke said after silencing her hunger with a few fries.

"I'd be coming too if I were on you." Jasper joked, and Monty jabbed him in the ribs.

"Asshole." She laughed.

An hour later Clarke had gotten her own food and reached for something in her bag. When she took out a book and handed it to Lexa, the brunette drew her brows together.

"Read this to me, next time?"

"I'm not your personal audio - book Clarke." She muttered, but the other couple glanced at her curiously.

"Please?" Lexa looked at the ceiling and sighed.

"Fine." She looked at the book and read 'Breakfast at Tiffany's' Of course, that's the kind of book Clarke would go for. "Have you read it before?" Lexa questioned wondering if she got it of an Audrey Hepburn fansite.

"No. That's why I'm asking you." She said playfully. She probably did get it off a Hepburn fansite.

"Have you read it before?"

"Once. It was okay." Lexa shrugged. That wasn't true. She had read it about ten times as a teenager, and it was one of her favorites. In fact, Capote was her favorite author. She didn't want Clarke to know she managed to pick one of her favorite books, though.

"Alright, I only have a half an hour left."

"That's alright," Clarke said now eating all of Lexa's fries, and the brunette sighed.

* * *

 

The benefit came faster than either anticipated and a few days later it stared them right in the eye. Clarke having spent all her lunches with Lexa had started becoming more confident, more daring. This gave Clarke the reassurance that tonight did not have to be disastrous.

Clarke was happy she had a familiar face there, besides Lexa that was. Raven, whose parents had cut ties with, had gotten closer to her uncle, the guy organizing the event, so she managed to get an invite as well. Raven stood next to Clarke as both held a glass of champagne in their hand and waited for more guests to arrive.

"Damn, your girlfriend is hot Clarke." She rolled her eyes.

"Yes, Raven," She said passively.

"And I mean seriously hot. If I were batting for the other team, I would totally go for that."

"Rae you're _pan_ , you bat for every team."

"This is true. So what's stopping me?"Clarke gave her an unimpressed look.

"Raven."

"Relax Griffin. I'm not going anywhere near your girl. You're cute when you're jealous. Does she know you're actually this insecure?" Raven jabbed. 'Foot in mouth disorder' it was a thing they shared. Raven bit her lip knowing how badly Clarke suffered from insecurity, but Clarke smirked. 

_'Pfft, jealous. Please.'_

"Why are we friends again?" Clarke asked, and Raven felt relieved.

"Because you love me," She said in a baby voice. She then kissed Clarke's cheek. "Whoops better go before I get two jealous girls on my ass. One is enough." She giggled reaching for her champagne flute and walking towards her uncle.

"What was that about?" Lexa asked, still feeling very out of place at this benefit. She had managed to drink two glasses of champagne in the short span of a half an hour and had started feeling a little tipsy.

"Apparently my insecurity and inevitable jealousy."

"About what?" Lexa was amused.

"You," Clarke smiled and caught Lexa off guard.

"Jealous huh?" Lexa blushed, and Clarke chuckled while shaking her head. "What did she say?" Lexa smiled now. It was a rare occasion when Clarke saw the brunette flash a fully grown smile.

"She thinks you're hot."

"She's mentioned it before. She's not wrong," she said playfully, and Clarke gaped at her, mouth wide open. Had Raven mentioned it before? A nagging feeling at the bottom of her gut had started simmering. Had Raven been flirting with _her_ girlfriend? Well, her fake girlfriend.

"You're such a cocky asshole."

"Takes one to know one," Lexa smirked, then looked around and found Abby's gaze. She gulped and said, "I think your mother wants us to join her at her table." Clarke glanced with a bothersome expression and groaned.

"Dance with me?" Clarke demanded rather than asked.

"You're so bossy." Lexa rolled her eyes while she was dragged, not guided, dragged to the dance floor. She sighed feeling annoyed.

Clarke carefully put one hand on Lexa's waist, her fingertips feeling the naked skin beneath them, and used the other to grasp the brunette's hand. Lexa breathed out and adjusted her posture. She then put a hand on Clarke's shoulder.

"You can't avoid her all night you know? At some point, we're going to have to sit at that table." Lexa said apathetic.

"You want to go sit there?"

"No." She wanted to add something witty to negate how honest her no was. She gulped and tightened her grip on Clarkes neck, feeling the softness beneath her fingers. She tried to look away but those blues were rather hard to avoid. The she felt Clarke's fingers caressing her back and it sent shivers down her spine. She almost mentally moaned, she widened her eyes a little and prayed she wouldn't blush. She squeezed the blonde's hand a bit tighter hoping Clarke wouldn't notice how clammy her hands had become.

"Come on," She said halting the dance and confusing Clarke. "You need to face them. I mean I get it, dancing with my hot ass is much more interesting, but we don't want this to get too cheesy." Lexa ranted, sounding extremely flustered. If anything, Lexa needed to stop dancing with Clarke, it had all become too much. Clarke raised an eyebrow at Lexa's sudden outburst. 

"Your hot ass?" She echoed. Unusual words for the brunette but she went with it, after all, Clarke did not get to see the tipsy behavior every day, Lexa was usually so serious and poised.

"Ah, Clarke has graced us with her presence." Abby shot her a disapproving look.

"Sorry, got distracted. You know how it is." She said wrapping her arm around Lexa's waist.

"Yes, we do. This is?" Marcus Kane asked.

"Lexa, Woods, my girlfriend."

"Ah, so this is the girlfriend. Nice to finally meet you."

"You've mentioned me?" She asked Abby.

"Of course."

"Ah." She glanced at the table, but only one chair was vacant. She bit her lip and looked at Clarke hoping she knew what the deal was.

"Clarke I'm afraid I took your seat," Marcus said explaining why only one chair was empty.

"I'll take my leave of you, Abby. Goodnight."

"Nonsense Marcus! Stay. We can get another chair." Abby said looking around.

"It's fine. I'll stand." Lexa said. 

"No, that would be unsuitable dear." She cleared her throat and looked at Clarke. It was getting too awkward, and taking too long. Clarke's patience ran out.

"It's fine. I'll sit on Lexa's lap. Right?" She asked gesturing for Lexa to sit down.

"Right." She said almost frowning at Clarke. Like her mother was going to accept that.

"Hold on Clarke. That's even more-" Clarke pushed Lexa down to hasten the process and sat on her lap.

"There. Solved." The sponsors around the table started laughing. Clarke took Lexa's hand and put it around her waist. This alarmed the brunette, but she did not want to make Abby suspicious by withdrawing it. She decided she was not going to be the one to panic whenever a line blurred.

"Can't get enough of my hot ass can you?" Lexa whispered playfully in Clarke's ear, regaining her confidence. Clarke shot her a death glare though it did not compete with the glower Abby was giving them both. Lexa snorted but tried to hide between Clarke's shoulder blades.

* * *

 

"I thought your mother was going to have a stroke." Lexa stated when Clarke dropped her off at school later that night. Clarke decided to go home and do some damage control.

"I think she did." Clarke giggled.

"Yeah." Lexa breathed. "Okay, well I'll see you at school. Lunch as usual?

"Yup."

"Don't forget Capote," Clarke said, and Lexa nodded. Lexa headed up to Marlowe's House with still a small smile displayed on her lips. She only noticed when Monty had commented on it.

"I guess you had a good night then?" She asked when Lexa sat on her bed. She looked confused.

"Yeah, it was nice." It actually hadn't been as bad as Lexa had feared.  It had been nice, too nice. The brunette eyed Monty and noticed she was wearing a dress. That had been a while.

"You look- different," Lexa said but instantly regretting saying anything at all. It wasn't her business why Monty was wearing a dress.

"I had my date night with Jasper," Monty explained. That made sense?

"Did you have a good time?" Lexa wondered, but Monty shrugged.

"Yes and no, he always gets really excited when I wear a dress or a skirt. Easy access or something. I just felt the pressure tonight." Lexa widened her eyes a little.

"Uhm, you- that's nice? Or not?" Lexa chuckled nervously and wasn't sure where she was going with this.

"Dude, I like sex with Jasper that's not the problem. I just wonder whether his easy access theory is his only reasoning."

"Ah, I see. Well, next time tell him to wear a dress too. Easy access should be a privilege enjoyed by everyone." Lexa stated and Monty smirked.

"I'll remember that."

"Lexa?" Monty had voiced after they had both gone to sleep.

"Yeah." She said still awake.

"Will you mind if I join you for lunch again tomorrow?"

"No."

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the comments and kudos :) Next chapter will be up Tuesday. I'm starting school again on Monday so I'll only post less chapters a week.


	6. Chapter 6

"Hey," Lexa said as she sat down. "Carrots again huh? They must have a fetish." She said regarding the carrots on Clarke's plate.

Carrots had been on the menu last week and the week before that, every time the blonde made her have her peas. In turn, Clarke ate Lexa's chocolate ice cream. A fair trade in Lexa's mind. She did not like chocolate ice cream. Clarke found it ridiculous that she didn't like it, she made the brunette promise her she would, at least, try the white chocolate ice cream. Lexa subsequently had commented on how white chocolate isn't chocolate, but there was no reasoning with the blonde.

They had stopped reading books to each other after finishing Breakfast at Tiffany's quite fast. Lexa found herself staying and missing classes while reading to the blonde. They stayed so long in the dining hall the kitchen crew had to tell them to leave. The first time Clarke asked her to keep reading after they left the dining hall was the first and only time Lexa hesitated. Watching the blonde's expression made her realize she would not be able to deny her. After that, Lexa read to her at Marlowe's reception, where several sofas gave them the opportunity to spend time together, even more, when they ran out of excuses. Before they had hung when it came to talking about a class, they shared or notes. They never hung out, just because. When they finished that book, Eugene Onegin by Pushkin, they found themselves finding excuses to spend time together. Eventually, the excuses ran out, and so did the books, so one night they hung out together simply talking about a TV show, and after that, they spent more time together, simply because they wanted to.

"Take them away from me."

"You're such a baby," she commented which made Clarke pout. She let the blonde toss her peas onto her plate while. "How are rehearsals?"

"We've changed our choreography structure again."

"Seriously? You've changed it like three times."

"Annie is such a freaking dictator. Every week she comes in, and she has her little freak out on how everything is actually shit, and we should change it. Then she has the gall to tell me, in her pretty girl nice way, that she'll help me. She'll help me _?_!" Clarke said with a high pitched voice which made Lexa want to chuckle. 

"She comes up with the worst things sometimes. And she wants to help me? Bitch, please! I'm not a dumbass. Her only redeeming feature is that she actually cares. But staying up till 2 am stressing about shit, isn't helping either. Ugh." Clarke raged, and Lexa nodded. "We have one week to go, and she's still freaking out. Good thing we're reinterpreting a piece, I don't want to know what it would be like if we had to start from scratch with that woman. At least we have a base to go back to."

"Well, at least, you'll be able to choose who you're working with next term."

"Yeah I'm looking forward to that. I can't handle another term of her shit." Clarke let out a deep breath. Then asked, "How's yours going?" Lexa shrugged.

"We have to write a paper." She said nervously. Abby wasn't exaggerating when she mentioned her 8th grade reading level. She got into this school based on her practical skills not her academic proficiency. Even though she hadn't been tested since the 8th grade. She read a lot so her reading level wasn't that low in reality.

"I could- proofread some stuff. If you want?" Clarke stabbed her carrots. Lexa wasn't sure if she could deal with embarrassing herself by letting Clarke read her paper. Her writing wasn't great. She was good at insight and discussions. Lexa knew she was intelligent, that wasn't the issue. Anytime they had asked her to write in the past, she would just get stuck. "No pressure, Lex. I mean we all had to start somewhere. I promise I won't judge if that's what you're worried about."

"I'm not worried." She said defensively.

"I didn't-"

"I actually have to get to the gym. I still want to do some lapses before I go to my afternoon class." She got up, but Clarke reached over the thin table and grasped her wrist.

"Don't go. I'm sorry. You don't need my help. I was just offering. Everyone needs a proofreader. Everyone has one too." This seemed to ease Lexa's qualms. She bit her lip.

"Thank you Clarke. I'll send it to you when I'm done. Maybe- maybe." She was flustered. "I really do have to go though-" The blonde's face fell as she sat back down. She bit down the disappointment. "- but I guess I could stick around for a few more minutes." Clarke didn't mean to smile, she didn't mean to be so obvious, it just happened.

* * *

 

After leaving the blonde and heading over the pool, Lexa found distraction in the engulfing sensation of the pool. When she was on her 15th lap Bellamy came into view. She rested her arms on the edge of the pool and nodded politely at the boy. Unexpectedly he sat down next to her.

"Hey." He smiled. She raised her eyebrows.

"Hey?"

"Doing your daily work out?" She nodded skeptically. "Yeah I'm in here a lot too. I even got new shorts. Got them with my first paycheck."

"That's cool Bellamy." She wasn't impressed.

"So how's Clarke?" He continued. "I haven't seen her in here since the last time she was here." That's because she's been avoiding you, is what Lexa wanted to say. He had gotten drunk at one of the parties again and bothered her one too many times.

 

_"Hey, Clarkey." He stroked her arm, letting his finger linger for an inappropriate amount of time. Clarke closed her eyes and sighed._

_'That's it. I'm blacklisting him.'_

_This wasn't the first time he had inappropriately invaded her personal space. She got it. They dated, and he had a hard time getting over it, but it was over a year ago. She cursed herself for not being harsh with him back then. She wanted to say that retrospectively it might've been just physical, but she didn't want to hurt his feelings._

_"Hey, Bell," Clarke said before taking a deep breath._

_"So, you've got to tell me. How good is she in the sack?" Clarke snapped her head towards him._

_"Excuse me?" She spat._

_"Wow. Calm down. Be glad I didn't ask how you do it. Since that's the question lingering on most guys' lips." He said smirking at his pack of wolves._

_'Why does he have to be so inappropriate every time alcohol is involved?'_

_"Do you want a medal for that?" He shrugged. "Well, she's great Bellamy. Best sex ever." She snapped which seemed to bruise his ego. Clarke was lying, she had no idea what sex with Lexa was like. A thought in particular, though, that distracted her. She looked at the brunette across the room who was speaking to Monty. She hadn't hidden her disappointment when Monty dragged her away, 10 minutes earlier._

_"You don't have to be such a bitch about it," Bellamy muttered. And he brought her back to her exasperating reality._

_"Why not? You're being an asshole about it. I should level it out, shouldn't I?" Bellamy shifted awkwardly._

_"I'm sorry okay? It doesn't make me feel great when I think about you having sex with someone else?"_

_"So why ask then? Why mock me?"_

_"Because, I guess- I don't know-"_

_"I do. You were hoping to embarrass me and make me feel ashamed of the great, 'lesbian' sex I have with my girlfriend in an attempt to make your own ego grow. Am I close?"_

_"Fuck you!" He pushed her._

_"Been there, done that. Got bored of your dick." Clarke snapped. She knew she was being intentionally harsh. It wasn't even true. Bellamy wasn't bad in the sack. He wasn't super either. He was the regular kind of guy, average._

_"Bored? You said you weren't ready for a relationship!"_

_"I lied okay? I was trying to let you down easy. I considered your feelings, God forbid!" By now most people in the room, including Lexa had noticed the yelling pair._

_"You lied?! How could you do that?" He gripped her arm which triggered Lexa's automatic response._

_"I'm sorry okay? I just- you haven't gotten the message, and I'm tired Bellamy. Every single fucking time. I just want to have a good time without having to worry you're going to bother me."_

_"Cheers, Clarke. That's just great." He snarled. By now Lexa had reached them and calmly positioned herself between Clarke and Bellamy._

_"Withdraw your hand before I break it." She threatened which made Bellamy laugh._

_"Dyke."_

 

"She's fine," Lexa answered shortly.

"Look, Lex-" She cringed. Hearing the nickname fall from his lips did not provide the same level of excitement. "I'm sorry about the party. I was so drunk, and frankly kind of hurt by what Clarke told me." He said scratching the back of his neck. Did he want her to pity him? Because that was not going to happen.

"Am I supposed to feel sorry for you now?"

"I said I was sorry. I had my reasons you know?"

"That may be so, but you've hassled my girlfriend since I've known you. Not to mention the flirting right in front of me. Have you no respect?" She snapped. Bellamy eyed her awkwardly. "Whatever." She muttered and dipped her head under the water. She pushed herself off the edge with her legs and swam away. She hoped by the time she would meet the edge again, he would be gone.

"Yeah whatever Lexa!" He yelled after her. She hadn't expected to groan under water and unintentionally breathed water into her lungs. She would be damned if he saw her choking. She held it in, even though it was very uncomfortable. She reached the other side and tried to cough subtly. She eyed the edge of the pool and was thankful Bellamy was gone, she started coughing loudly thereafter.

* * *

 

After Lexa finished her work out, she texted Clarke saying she was going to have a snack at the pool restaurant, kind of implying she wanted Clarke to join her. The blonde had immediately replied asking where she wanted to meet. Lexa hummed pleased and put the phone back in her locker, careful to not water damage her cell. She then changed back into her clothes, giving Clarke enough to time to walk to the gym.

After she had tried to dry towel her hair, she exited the pool area and stood at the reception, near the lockers. Clarke arrived, happily walking towards the brunette. Upon reaching the brunette, however, Clarke peered at her.

"Hey, are you okay?" She probably looked worn, not just from her swim but her conversation with Bellamy.

"Yeah I'm fine," she breathed, out of the corner of her eye, she watched Bellamy approach them. She had a hard time not rolling her eyes. The boy just didn't get the message. If anything, it was her pride that motivated her next action. 

"You sure?" Clarke said putting her hand on Lexa's arm.

"Yes." She said but she still eyed him. She tightened her jaw and soon after surprised Clarke by cupping her face and kissing her passionately. Clarke's breath hitched from feeling the brunette's lips on hers and almost immediately grabbed Lexa's sweater. She kissed her back and sighed into the kiss while instinctively leaning into Lexa's body. She squeezed the sweater tightly. She didn't let go, not even after they broke the kiss. When the air hit her lips she was carried back to earth and panicked. She looked dumbfounded, trying to understand what just had happened.

"What?" Clarke uttered, befuddled and out of breath. She was about to question why the hell Lexa had kissed her?! She snapped her brows together feeling slightly disrespected, but mostly confused. Lexa's gaze focused on something behind her, and she automatically followed the brunette's line of sight until it fell on Bellamy. She sighed. "Oh." She understood, and the uncertainty disappeared.

"Hey, Clarke," Bellamy said. Clarke subconsciously squeezed Lexa sweater and took a microscopic step closer to the brunette. When Lexa pulled a protective arm around her waist, Clarke felt more confident.

"What do you want Bellamy?"

"Look I get it. I'm sorry. " He said looking at Clarke. He then shifted his gaze to Lexa and added: "You don't have to get so possessive, I got the message." Lexa scoffed at him.

"I'll see you later Bell," Clarke said grabbing Lexa's hand.

"Wait, Clarke. Look I know okay? I've been an ass."

"Yeah you have." He licked his lips and ran his hand through his hair.

"How can we fix this? You were right, and we were friends before. I want that back." Clarke sighed.

"I don't know. It's not my job to tell you how I can trust you again or even like you after what you pulled last Tuesday."

"You're right," He said defeated. "I was just really hurt. I'm not the only one that made mistakes." She nodded. She did understand, but it just wasn't enough.

"I promise I'll make it up to you." Clarke nodded and then squeezed Lexa's hand. Just checking that the brunette was still there took some weight off her chest.

* * *

 

After both having purchased what they wanted, Clarke quietly ate her apple pie. The blonde wasn't usually quiet. That was Lexa's game. Lexa put her hand on top Clarke's and squeezed it.

"Hey. Don't let him get to you." She said smiling. Clarke eyed the brunette's hand carefully, she then looked behind her and saw some of her classmates lurking.

"Right." She muttered and held Lexa's hand. She sighed and then decided to withdraw it after all. She couldn't deal with fake or nonfake compassion. She wanted to be sure to get the real thing, and it was simply too blurry with Lexa.

"You don't owe him anything." Lexa tried again and, this time, caught Clarke's attention.

"It's kind of my fault, though. I broke his heart. I was a total asshole. I basically used him." Lexa shifted in her seat.

"What happened between you two?"

"I don't know if you have time."

"I can skip my class." Lexa shrugged.

"Again? Skip a class, again? I didn't hear the end of it for a week when you missed a class after losing track of time." Clarke smirked.

"Hey, you're the ambitious one here."

"Really? I never knew." Clarke leaned back into her chair and flashed Lexa a cocky smile.

"Tell the story, Griffin." This seemed to put a damper on Clarke's smile. She looked down and sighed deeply.

"A little over a year ago, I started sleeping with Bellamy. One reason because he really wanted me, so it was easy, and the other because he's attractive and not a bad a guy." Lexa nodded and leaned her chin on her hand.

"Then, he asked me out. And at the time, I think I should've said no, but I selfishly wanted to keep that physical relationship. A part of me also thought I could see, you know? Maybe I could end up liking him?" She said extremely slowly while biting her fork.

"After a month, though, I grew-" She sighed and shook her head. "I grew bored of him," She said sounding ashamed. "I'm not proud of it, but it's the truth. So I called it quits and told him I wasn't ready for a relationship. I should've been honest with him. I mean I get why he's been acting like a complete twat. I basically told him the reason I didn't want to be with him was because I feared commitment, and here I was jumping into a relationship with you." She said now looking at Lexa and smiled.

The brunette tipped her head to the right and smiled lightly, but Clarke let out a sharp sigh and continued.

"I should've been honest with him from the start. I should've told him that all I wanted was a bit of fun. I hurt him. That's what I get for having sex with a friend when I know nothing could ever be more than that."

"Did you know he wanted more from the start?" Clarke shrugged.

"I think I told myself for a while that I didn't, but I'm not so sure anymore. I screwed up. I was selfish and a colossal asshole about it all." She said, and Lexa nodded.

"You made a mistake. We're all assholes deep down." Clarke chuckled.

"We're all assholes?"

"Wouldn't you rather be someone that admits they can be an asshole and tolerate others' 'assholeness' more, instead of someone that doesn't tolerate anything?"

"I guess."

"Did you apologize?"

"I don't know if you can call that thing at the party an apology. I was being a complete bitch."

"He also provoked you." Clarke gave Lexa a half grin.

"You don't have to make excuses for me."

"I'm your _girlfriend_. That's exactly what I should do." Clarke snorted. "No, I'm joking. On a serious note, though, you made a mistake. I think you should apologize if you want closure. Especially if it's eating at you." Clarke nodded.

"I'm just afraid that if I apologize, I open that door again you know?"

"Yeah, I get that. You can always try. And if that door opens again you slam it shut like you did before. At least, you'll do it with a clear conscience."

"Yeah."

"The world is gray, and so are you. If you knew all the things I did in my past."

"Really? Care to share?" Lexa laughed whole heartedly.

"No. That is something I won't do. Too many skeletons in my closet."

"Hmm, now I need to know," Clarke smirked. After she said it though she remembered her mother telling her Lexa was kicked out of her home. Clarke bit her tongue regretfully.

"No, you don't Princess." Clarke raised an eyebrow.

"Really? We're back to Princess? And here I thought I was starting to like you." Clarke playfully bit. Lexa chuckled and finished her blueberry muffin.

* * *

 

The next day the blonde had to work through her lunch, because Annie was on a rampage and decided no one would have a lunch break until they had figured out the end of one movement. It ended in not having lunch at all. Clarke texted Lexa that day to ask whether dinner would work as she wasn't getting out of rehearsal any time soon. The brunette gladly obliged.

"That was so good," Clarke said when she finished her second plate of mac n cheese. Lexa hummed amusingly. She glanced at her watch and sighed. She was already late.

"I need to go soon, Princess. Eliàn is waiting for me."

"Try not to butcher anyone when you're on the air tonight." Lexa chuckled.

"You know you've made it when the local frat boys are calling you a raging man-hater." Clarke laughed and shook her head.

"I'll be listening," Clarke smiled shyly.

"I hope so."

She hurried down to Beckett Court and flashed her pearly whites to Eliàn hoping he wouldn't scold her for being late.

"You know when I say be here at 8 for a warm up and a sound test. I don't mean 8h15." She blushed. She wasn't known for her tardiness, nor did she wanted to be.

"I'm sorry, I got caught up."

"You're lucky Raven is here." She looked curiously as there was no sign of another person being in the sound box. "She's gone to get a better wire, the one we have is acting up." He clarified. Not long after the brunette showed up and started playing with the soundboard.

"Ready to crush some egos? Bust some balls? Make enemies?"

"You make me sound like a social justice warrior." Lexa cringed.

"So? What's wrong with a social justice warrior?" Lexa shifted uncomfortably.

"I guess... I guess by making everything an issue, you lose the nuance of real issues."

"And you're the judge of what is a real issue and what isn't?" Raven quirked her eyebrow.

"You make a good point," Lexa said still nodding and considering Raven's words.

"I know." Raven said cockily. "I always do." She winked at the brunette and in turn Lexa blushed. The laid back attitude was refreshing compared to the constant blazing fire both Clarke and Octavia lived with. Raven had a cool rather blue fire. Not that she didn't like Clarke's fire, quite the opposite. She puffed and told herself to focus. This was not the time to be thinking of Clarke.

After setting everything up, Raven counted off indicating Lexa would be on the air in a few seconds.

 _'Go'_ Raven mouthed, and Lexa was on the air.

"Good evening people of lovely Theodosia college of arts, this is Lexa Woods with 'Ain't I a woman?', a program where I discuss current events relating to feminism and other social issues. And, a special hello to the boys from House Larking, who put such an effort into telling me what they thought the other night. Thanks boys, you're keeping up my spirit. " She chuckled sarcastically.

"Tonight I would like to discuss the organized sexual assaults on women last Monday in Cologne and the reactions on it. Dozens of women were robbed, assaulted and raped. Afterwards German, and also European authorities called for awareness and prevention among immigrants, refugees, and potential perpetrators of 'other' cultures. They're frantically dwindling for the safety of "our" women, or rather European women. Even though this happened in Germany and not in America I do find a parallel in which rape culture is demonized when one is able to point the finger at the barbaric 'other' but then completely ignored in our own culture. But hey I'm getting ahead of myself, I didn't even get to tell my story here." 

* * *

 

It took Clarke a few days and several conversations with both Lexa and Raven, to build up the courage to even approach Bellamy. She chose not to speak to Octavia about it. Bellamy and his sister were really close, something that was never a problem before, but since she had gotten together with Lexa, Octavia had struggled with being the designated middle man. Clarke was basically her best friend, but Bellamy was blood, and in truth not a bad guy. The way he cared about his sister was admirable. They were thick as thieves.

Even though she would had not spoken to Octavia about her intentions to apologize, or, at least, have a conversation with Bellamy, she knew she would be able to help her locate him. She had looked in several cafés, and had knocked on his dorm, but she couldn't find him. She didn't want to put this off anymore, not even for one day. When she approached the brunette, who was now having a cup of tea in the dining hall, she pursed her lips. This was her chance to change her mind and not involve Octavia at all, but her selfish nature rose and she just wanted to find Bellamy. She approached her carefully and gave her friend a careful smile.

"O, do you know where Bellamy is?" Clarke asked one Wednesday morning, but Octavia eyed her skeptically.

"Why?" Clarke could already sense the discomfort she was creating. She was afraid of this, but there was no going back now.

"I need to talk to him," She said awkwardly, almost phrasing her sentence as a question as if to acquire Octavia's permission to do so.

"I don't know if that's such a good idea Clarke." She said, and Clarke's face fell, deflated and discouraged. "You know I love you, but Bellamy is hurting. He's been hurting for a while."

"I know. That's why I want to talk to him so that we can have closure."

"I guess." Octavia shrugged. "I'm not saying what he did is okay. It's not, but same goes for you." She looked at Clarke and pursed her lips. She shook her head while stirring her tea with a small plastic spoon. She looked at the blonde and considered her request. She rolled her eyes and stated, "He's on the basketball court, where else?"

"Thank you." Clarke was relieved. She hugged her best friend from behind and walked towards the basketball court. She was trying to get her breathing under control. This wasn't easy. If it were just apologizing, she wouldn't be so worried, it was the possible can of worms she would open by doing so. When she neared the basketball court a good five minutes later, she swallowed hard.

"Okay, you can do this," She muttered to herself. Murphy was playing against Bellamy. "It'll be fine."

"Oh, he aims, he shoots, he scores. You're losing your touch player." He said smirking while he collected the ball and stood in front of Bellamy again.

"So what are you going to do now huh?" He said while making eluding to make a step. He was smirking. "You ain't going to catch this. You're not good enough."

"Stop talking shit Murphy and just play." Murphy laughed but then stood up straight when he noticed Clarke. He nudged his head towards her and Bellamy saw her.

"Clarke?" He questioned. He smiled, which made Clarke feel even worse. To be fair, they had both made a lot of mistakes and he had the right to be angry at her, hell he had the right to be furious. Yet here he was acting nice. It was the reason why he was acting kindly that frightened Clarke. If it was her friend just being a fucking good person she wouldn't have her reservations.

"Hey," She said cautiously. "You have a minute?"

"Yeah. Of course." He said quickly. "What's up?" He said while Murphy yelled incredulously at him.

"Let's go sit in the bleachers," Clarke said, and Bellamy smiled. When they sat down, he scooted a bit too close to her which made her cringe.

"Bellamy-" She started but she needed to create space between them. This was it. There was no way around this, she just had to come out and say it. It was awkward and unsettling, but she just had to take the plunge. Now, just do it, say it. She closed her eyes as she prepared to vocalize the text she prepared in her mind. "Okay, I came here because I've been wanting to apologize to you. This is a conversation we should've had a year ago, not now, but it is what it is." Bellamy nodded.

"I'm not saying all of this because I want to rekindle a friendship or anything else, but I need to say it because it's right. Because I was an ass. I lied to you when I said I didn't want to be with you because of the commitment. I just didn't want to be with you." He winced at her words. The words tumbled out like big fat catapillars, clumsy and without restraint.There was a full pause before Clarke continued.

"I'm really sorry Bellamy. I should've told you the truth from the beginning. I should never have agreed to start dating when all I actually wanted was a physical relationship. I'm not saying that I consciously lied. A part of me hoped I might end up liking you but it never happened."

"So our whole relationship never meant anything to you?"

"My friendship with you meant something."

"Yet you didn't mind ruining it?" He said angrily and hurt. He was right.

"I was selfish, but I didn't intend to ruin it, I truly hoped that maybe I could like you. And then after the second date, I already felt like I had ruined our friendship. I cared about you so much, just not like that." Bellamy looked at her with tears in his eyes.

"Yeah I get it."

"I'm so sorry Bell."

"You've said that." Clarke nodded. They simply sat there now, looking at the court in front of them. She could feel the hurt and tension that accumulated over this past year, engulf them, like thick smoke. She sighed, rubbing her forehead and glancing at him. His expression was hard and blank, he stared in front of him, determined to not avert his gaze.

"Is there anything you want to say to me or yell at me or ask me?" Clarke attempted. She wanted it all out. Bellamy shrugged, still looking ahead. The hope he once had to even convince Clarke to get back together was completely gone. It wasn't about making her his again, she was never his in the first place. It meant nothing to her, and that's what hurt the most. What was even worse, was that he had been making a fool out himself for over a year, and he wasn't sure whether he could prevent himself from continuing to do so. He was in love with her. He though she at least reciprocated those feelings. Now he realized, very time he tried or insisted, there wasn't even a chance. She wasn't reluctant because she was scared or for whatever other reason he had hoped to talk her out of, she was reluctant because all he ever was, was a hook-up. He couldn't convince her to have feelings. That was the only thing he couldn't do. And that was the harsh truth, with a bitter aftertaste.

He took a deep breath and finally looked at Clarke.

"I think I already lashed out at you for hurting me. I mean yes, I would love to call you a backstabbing bitch with no soul right now, but- oh wait I just did." He spat, not even trying to hold back. He felt angry and stupid. Clarke took it. He backpedalled after he saw the pain and regret in Clarke's eyes. "Sorry, that- we both made mistakes. I'm sorry for being such an asshole to you all the time." It was true he had also been an asshole. He had been bitter and jealous this whole time.

Clarke had to prevent herself from rolling her eyes. This was typical Bellamy. Saying something horrible and meaning it, but then back paddling and pretending he had no control over his voice or words. She sighed deeply, breathing some of her frustration out.

"I could've prevented it by being honest." Bellamy shook his head. He wasn't sure if that would've made a difference. Would he feel any less hurt seeing the girl he loved with someone else, with another girl? Especially someone as aloof as Lexa. Probably not.

"No, I don't think you could've. I've been jealous of Lexa the minute I saw you guys laying on that couch. When I made up that rumor, I never thought it was actually true. I just wanted to hurt you back." Clarke's eyes darted up.

"Wait? What? _You_ made up that rumor?!" She was back to being angry. She was ready to take whatever Bellamy had to say but this was just- she could not believe this.

"I did. It's another item on my list of things I'm sorry for."

"Fuck me." She breathed out angrily. She shook her head disbelievingly.

"I kind of already did," Bellamy smirked. It was lighthearted, not meant to be mocking or hostile. Clarke looked at him. She was almost speechless. She attempted to speak many times before she eventually did.

"I can't fucking believe you. You asshole!" Clarke said but almost laughed. "I'm so angry at you right now." She started laughing.

"This is you angry?"

"I- I don't know. I must be going crazy." She rubbed her face with her hands. She breathed in deeply. "Let's just agree that we both made some serious mistakes, hurt each other and have apologized." Bellamy nodded.

"Yeah, true."

"And I'll just add that last thing to the Bellamy was a d-bag list and forget about it."

"Really?" Bellamy was impressed. He didn't think he would get off the hook so easily for that last one. Yay for honesty.

"Yeah. I just really want to put this all behind us. I'm not saying it's okay or that we're okay, but I guess I'm okay."

"Yeah sounds about right."

"Okay." Clarke stood up and reach out her hand. Bellamy took it awkwardly and became even more awkward when Clarke shook it. "Good talk. See you." She said obviously still anxious. The adrenaline was still coursing through her veins and probably will for the rest of the day.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So quick question, which days would you guys prefer I update? More into term time I'll stop updating 2 times a week and it'll go to once. I'm updating today for this question. In my mind I've got Sunday and Wednesdays for now, and then Sundays only when I get very busy. That being said I would like to know whether you'd rather have it on different days (I'm weird what can I say?)
> 
> Also Lexa's rant were not my words but the words of the Amelie Mangelschots, a Belgian opinion writer. I am belgian, so I might've missed the point for parallel with US? Tho I think rapeculture is very alive in the US as well.


	7. Chapter 7

"Take this, Clarke. I can't do it because my back." Clarke mimicked Annie with an annoying, and high pitched voice. Raven glowered disapprovingly though her attitude was still playful. She was holding a projector in one hand and a chair in the other.

They were both preparing for Clarke's performance tonight. Raven volunteered to do their tech so that they could have more complicated lighting than just the standard setting. She was helping Clarke move their prop and tech from one space to the other. They had changed their space last minute, which frustrated the hell out of publication. Now they had to warn the audience, last minute, that their venue had changed.

When they passed the basketball court, where Octavia sat, Raven sighed. Octavia threw a meager wave their way but did not stand up to greet them properly.

"She's still a little awkward after that whole thing with Bellamy?" Clarke shrugged and stared ahead.

"I think I might've hurt her feelings by not talking to her about it. I thought I was doing the right thing, keeping her out of that business." Raven nodded and started walking Marlowe Studio.

"We're your best friends, I think she feels like the hierarchy, which is normally equal between us, is out of balance, when you talked to me and not her. Possessiveness and jealousy, are not uncommon when it comes to Octavia."

"This is her brother. It would've been hard for her." Raven nodded and looked at Clarke hesitantly. Bellamy had been avoiding their table during lunch after his conversation with Clarke transpired.

"It doesn't help. That Bellamy doesn't sit with us anymore either." Raven voiced.

"It's only been a few days, give him time." Raven nodded again. "And even if he doesn't," Clarke stopped in her tracks. "It's been a year Rae. A whole year and I am tired. It doesn't excuse what I did, and how dishonest I've been, but-" She trailed off. "I'll admit before I was afraid I would look like the bad guy because, in truth, I was. I was also afraid of confronting Bellamy. He isn't exactly innocent in this." Raven looked at her pointedly.

" _Of course_ , he's not."

"Is it so hard to understand that, after a year of unwanted advances, catcalls, insults, and basically dealing with his shit, I just want to move on? I'm so emotionally tired Rae. I realize this might seem rushed, but It's not. I'm over it. That doesn't mean I'm forgetting everything, but I would like to be able to be civil-"

"I know Clarke," Raven muttered, and the blonde glanced at her. They had had this conversation before. They had had it several times before both Lexa and Raven were able to convince Clarke to talk to him. The blonde hated confrontations, it wasn't a fault she liked to admit, but it was a fault she possessed nevertheless.

They continued walking, though, Raven's chair did not make it an easy ride. It was hard enough to carry a chair with one hand in this position, throw a prosthetic leg in the mix, and that task becomes close to impossible. Each slip of balance contributed to Clarke's anguish, but she disallowed herself from reaching out. They had established a long time ago. That was not something Raven appreciated. If she couldn't do something, she would say so.

When they passed Auditorium D in Marlowe, Clarke stared at Lexa, who was waiting for her lecture to start. She smiled and slowed her pace a little. As if Lexa had felt Clarke's gaze burn into her skin, she looked up and found Clarke's eyes. They shared a heartfelt smile and a fleeting glance before Lexa entered the auditorium with the rest of the music majors.

"You two have gotten more comfortable with each other," Raven noted, and Clarke nodded, still savoring the glowing warmth Lexa had left her with. Raven stepped in front of Clarke, and she shuffled her feet. "I know you basically got outed, and that must've been hard, but considering how you two were in the beginning, and then seeing how you are now, I want to say that I'm proud of you," Clarke smiled but didn't feel right accepting Raven's kindness. She hadn't actually been outed and considering Raven was pansexual, Clarke didn't feel justified in receiving any kind of solidarity or empathy. She felt like she was insulting her friends and her community.

"Yeah." Clarke could only breathe out.

"I'm just saying if you want to talk, I'm here. I've been here." Clarke nodded. She wouldn't do that. She wouldn't violate Raven's trust more by making up struggles. She didn't have. In truth, she didn't label herself; that was her only struggle.

"That'd be nice," Clarke smiled, she wanted to show Raven she was thankful, even though she didn't deserve any of the things Raven was giving her.

"You know, It's funny. When I first met you, my gaydar kind of went off." Clarke hummed curiously. She looked up with slotted eyes and silently asked Raven to continue. "I let it go cause, I never saw you with girls- then again I never saw you with anyone, besides Bellamy and a handful of hookups." Clarke nodded.

"I never said I was straight." This was true. The fact of the matter was, Clarke never really considered herself to be anything. She liked people. Period.

"This is the first time I've seen you like this with someone." Raven paused and looked at Clarke intensely, "You really like her, don't you?" Clarke was surprised by the question. Had she been faking it that well, that she fooled Raven of all people? The brunette could read anyone without batting an eye. She was like a living polygraph.

"She's the real deal." The words crawled out of her mouth, without her permission, and she couldn't take them back. Raven looked at her carefully, she noticed Clarke's fearful expression, as if the blonde had just revealed a life-sized secret. She decided not to press the matter.

"Come on, lover girl," Raven smirked. Clarke glanced at her playfully.

* * *

 

After finally getting everything up and running, testing all the tech, going through the lighting and the rehearsing the sequence, they were ready. They had an hour left. Annie and Suzanna had gone for water and energy bars, but Clarke couldn't stomach anything at this point. They too had to go on soon, and she still needed Octavia to do her make-up. She just wanted to do it now. Get it over with.

Looking into the mirror, Clarke tried to regulate her breathing. Such a contradiction, a performer with stage fright. She snorted, shuffling her hands through her hair. The creak of the door broke her focus.

"Hey you." Lexa murmured when she knocked on Clarke's dressing room door.

"Hey? You're here?" Clarke didn't mean to make Lexa feel unwelcome. When she spotted the brunette pacing back, she cleared her throat and quickly added, "I mean you're here for the performance? Or did you just want something?" She muttered that last sentence so slowly she wondered whether it came out at all. Clarke closed her eyes, feeling embarrassed by how insecure and awkward she sounded.

Clarke never invited Lexa to her performance; she never dared to ask the brunette. The mere thought of a snarky remark and dismissal in return sparked her anxiety and prompted her to avoid that conversation.

Lexa looked at her bemused but frowned. "Of course. I wouldn't miss it for the world." Lexa waved her ticket in the air and Clarke raised her eyebrows. She probably bought it from 'front of house'.

"Really?" The word slithered from her lips before she could grasp the syllables and keep them at bay. Lexa chuckled a rare sight.

"What kind of girlfriend would I be, if I didn't attend the single, most vital evening of your term?" She smirked and sat down in the chair next to her. Clarke looked at Lexa. Her expression deflated as she swallowed the brunette's words. Right, what would people think?

"I guess it would be weird if people noticed your absence." The weight of her disappointment pressed on her temples. Lexa noticed the shift in Clarke's demeanor and widened her eyes, just a little, barely noticeable.

"Well- I'd be here," She said awkwardly. "As your friend as well. I've heard you vent about this thing for over a month now. I need to see it now." That was the first time the brunette had acknowledged their friendship. A sudden rush of heat swam to Clarke's neck. Lexa hadn't even mentioned anything that would entice such a reaction, but it happened. She took a shaky breath and smiled. Before she could say anything, the voice of her best friend startled her.

"Clarkey! Let's do that motherfucking make-up of yours." Octavia stumbled into the room. "Oh. Hey, Lexa." Octavia said slightly ill at ease.

Lexa swallowed and created more space between herself and Clarke as if she was preparing herself to leave. A sudden longing for the brunette to stay stained the sensation in Clarke's fingertips. She looked at the brunette's hands and felt a yawning ache to touch them and keep Lexa in place. A certain throbbing to touch Lexa's skin had submerged a few times before.

"Octavia." Lexa nodded. The tension sank into the space, yet no one stirred or blinked to remove it. Octavia always liked Lexa, so Clarke didn't understand why the atmosphere around them had gotten so thick and heavy.

"O?" Clarke voiced pulling open her make-up bag.

"Right." She alluded to step forward but froze in her tracks. "Unless you want to do it?" It was as if she was having a conversation with herself, and she had convinced herself that, Clarke probably would prefer having Lexa over her.

"I- uh-" Lexa stuttered, but before Clarke could tell Octavia it was fine, get it over with, do it like we planned, Octavia shook her head.

"You probably do. And you probably will get more stress relief from her." The jealous tone in her voice was hard for Clarke to neglect. She knew Octavia could get possessive. She was her best friend, so usually she wouldn't mind. The unsettlement Octavia created between them was unexpected. The brunette was irked, given Clarke had failed to speak to her about Bellamy or anything else for that matter. She felt left out. The blonde stopped confiding in her ever since she got outed. She walked out before Clarke could say anything to contradict her, which impelled Clarke to widen her eyes.

"Octavia! Wait." She stood up and followed the brunette, but the small corridor served as a quick exit, and Octavia was gone.

Clarke groaned. "I really don't need all of this today." She puffed and plunged down into her seat. Octavia could be a lot of maintenance, her pride and insecurity put a strain on their relationship at times.

"I'm sorry." Lexa offered, but Clarke tipped her head.

"It's not you. I think she's feeling insecure. I haven't talked to her in a while. She's just being very-" Clarke couldn't find the words and there was a frustrated energy surge that climbed from her feet to her head and resulted in a loud bark "Leo about it! She's being a fucking Leo about it. All pride and drama and jealous." Lexa raised an eyebrow.

"As in the zodiac sign?" Lexa asked, and Clarke offered her a small smirk. She shrugged. "Really?" Lexa raised an amused eyebrow, not having expected Clarke to be into anything like that. She seemed so realistic and down to earth.

Clarke cocked her head and embraced the playful air that established between them. It was one of the few things she enjoyed playing with when it came to spirituality. Lexa on her end was intrigued.

"Yes," She said intensifying her attitude. A smiled tugged at Lexa's lips.

"What are you?" Lexa narrowed her eyes.

"Capricorn - Sagittarius cusp."

"Cusp? How seriously you take this?"

"Well- pretty seriously," Clarke mumbled the words and hunched forward, feeling embarrassed. She would definitely not mention her birth chart. Looking at the blonde in front of her, visibly embarrassed by her own disclosure, pushed out an unexpected roar from the bottom of her chest. The more time spent with Clarke, the more she found herself cracking a smile and more.

"Whatever asshole, you asked." Clarke pushed the brunette mischievously. The laughter died down though Lexa kept a glint of mirth in her eyes. She ogled the make-up bag and scooted closer to Clarke. The dancer, flushed, stuttered at the sudden immediacy.

"What are you doing?"

"Your make-up? I doubt Octavia is coming back." Clarke eyed the door frame, expecting or rather hoping her friend would appear and get over herself, but knowing Octavia, she would stay stubborn for another night or two. Clarke sighed and nodded.

"I guess you'll do."

"Such a charmer." Lexa scooted even closer and emptied out the make-up bag on the table. She flattened out the pencils and brushes and looked at Clarke attentively.

"I do my best," Clarke muttered, but the confidence she had aimed to put in her words never reached its destination. Instead she was engulfed by the anticipation of Lexa's touch, one she had craved merely a moment ago.

"What do you want me to do?" It almost came out as a husk.

"Uhh-" Clarke's breath hitched, but rearranged her face hoping to accomplish nonchalance. "I need to have strong make-up, because of the stage light, but we're supposed to have quite light skin so that you can go crazy with that one," She said pointing at the light foundation. Lexa smiled and grasped the concealer. She concealed the dark circles under Clarke's eyes and dapped her ring finger lightly on the skin. The sight of the brunette's deep green orbs provoked an extreme nervousness Clarke couldn't, or wouldn't place. She averted her eyes and closed them, feeling the gentle graze of Lexa's nails on her cheek as she applied the concealer to different areas of her face.

Next, was her eyeliner. Each brush stroke held a precise consideration in shaping Clarke's make-up. When Clarke opened her eyes, the space between them had narrowed even more and the tension, which stuck to her ribs, amplified. At this point Clarke considered she wouldn't need blush, her own natural color would do the job.

* * *

 

After doing Clarke's make-up, Lexa rushed to the first row and snatched a seat. The first thing that caught her attention was the stage setting. They had laid out the stage and the audience in a fairly classic way.

Soon after everyone was seated and 'front of house' had closed the doors, the music started. They reinterpreted a piece called, Rosas dances Rosas. Not an easy task, as the original piece was so popular and well known within the dance community.

The piece started with three chairs on the stage. The reiterated movements were mesmerizing and full of emotion without being emotional if that made sense. The movement then developed into different things but still retained repetition as a reoccurring trope. She liked how they used repetition and delay to shed light on banal movements. It was beautiful, and Lexa was indisputably moved and interested.

She smiled. The blonde in her dancing form was mesmerizing. She had never seen Clarke dance, and now she understood why the blonde was always on edge when it came to this particular activity. The importance she bestowed in her work, radiated now in the final result. The passion she put in each movement was a testimony to her hard work and passion. It didn't surprise her now, now that she knew the blonde, that the first time they met, their encounter was rather rigid, to state it lightly. The blonde's ambition and schedule were both of great importance, and she did not enjoy either being disrupted. She put a great deal of effort in her work. Consequently, she barely had any energy left, when she exited that rehearsal room. Thus, when it came to her social life, she appreciated planning that energy.

The piece was slowing down, and each movement captured an undeniable rawness, which made Lexa's heartthrob and swelled until she could feel her heartbeat in her throat. She was definitely getting an A for this. She grinned and clapped when the piece finished.

After the performance had ended, a few friends including Lexa hung around in the theater. It wasn't uncommon for other students to help with the clean up.

Besides, Clarke's group would never be able to get all the props back, and the place cleaned up on their own. Well, they would be able to do it on their own, but it would take ages, and Lexa wanted to take Clarke out, so the blonde could finally let her hair down and have fun. Lexa wanted to buy her a well-deserved drink.

As they were clearing one of the chairs, someone yelled "Heads!" Clarke squealed and jumped out of the way, with her hands covering her head, when the stage light nearly hit her. The broomstick she was holding cracked in two from the impact when Clarke tripped face down. It didn't hit her. Lexa put one of the projectors down quickly while some of the tech crew circled the spot around Clarke. She was still lying down.

"Is she okay?" Jasper yelled jogging down stage. Lexa subconsciously followed him. She was worried. She approached the blonde while glancing at the broken ERS light. What the hell happened? Did one of the techies lose their mind?

"What the hell happened? Have we fallen into a telenovela?" Lexa muttered, and Jasper shrugged.

"This is why we have risk assessments." Miss Dasler barked and helped Clarke, who was still on the floor looking at her grazed elbow, up.

"Are you hurt?" Dasler said looking at the broken broomstick.

"It's just a graze." Clarke shrugged and stood up. When she put weight on her left foot, though, she yelped. "Or _not_ just grazed," she muttered. She had felt a dull pain in her ankle, but only now could she feel the extent of her pain. The minute she put her foot down, the pain shot from her toes to her spine. Dasler sat her down on one of the chairs and looked at her foot.

"Clarke-" Lexa said approaching the blonde, but Miss Dasler put her hand up. Dasler tried to move Clarke's foot, but the blonde whimpered loudly and reached for her injured foot.

"We're going to have to take you to the hospital." Clarke wanted to protest, but Dasler shushed her. "We need to make sure nothing's seriously wrong." She stated. Lexa wanted to follow them, but Dasler again blocked her.

"Not now Lexa, I need to take her to my office. I'll get my car." Clarke leaned on her and didn't step on the same foot again.

After they had taken Clarke out to wait for Dasler, Lexa jogged over to Clarke's bag. Octavia came in and approached Lexa at a high speed.

"What the hell happened? A freaking stage light?! Where's Raven? Wasn't she doing their tech?"  
"I have no idea," Lexa said clutching onto Clarke's green bag. She wasn't sure what she was going to do with it, but she figured the blonde wouldn't want it lying around.

"I hope they risk assessed the shit out of this," Octavia stated, regretting avoiding Clarke now. "They're taking her to the hospital just to be sure," she added.

"You coming? They're leaving." Jasper asked. "We'll follow them in my car." Lexa, however, shuffled awkwardly. She did not want to go to a hospital. She breathed out shakily. "Lex?" She wasn't sure how to tell them. "Hello?" Jasper said waving his hand in front of her face. "Hey, look she's fine." He said thinking she was in shock.

"I'm fine Jasper. I think I'll wait for her to get back. I'm sure she's fine, and she doesn't need a whole flock of people hovering over her."

"Uhm, okay. You're her girlfriend, though, I'm sure she'll want you to be there. And it's not a whole flock it's just you and me, maybe Octavia and obviously her mother." Lexa sighed. It would be suspicious were she not to check on her girlfriend. She hated hospitals, though. What were the odds? Seriously? When was the last time a stage light fell from the freaking ceiling?

She groaned feeling conflicted. She then nodded, telling herself it was fine. She would be fine. When they were driving on the main Avenue, Jasper put on the radio. Lexa rested her chin on her hand and looked outside.

 

_“Lexa." She heard someone say behind her as she inhaled the cigarette smoke. “Lex," Anya said putting her hand on Lexa's shoulder as the brunette turned around sighing._

_“Yeah," Lexa mumbled as Anya sat down next to her._

_“The police wants to talk to you," Anya said on the verge of tears. Lexa felt a lump growing in the back of her throat._

_“I don't want to." She whimpered trying to hold in the tears. She couldn't let anyone see her this way._

_“You have to baby," Anya stated. Lexa sighed putting her head in her hands after she put out her cigarette._

_“We shouldn’t have used her. She’d still be here if we hadn’t." Lexa sniffed involuntarily. Anya shook her head rejecting Lexa's attempts to stay strong. She hugged her, and that was it, Lexa sobbed into her chest, her very soul shaken by every breath she took._

 

"Stop worrying so much." Lexa heard Jasper's voice. She blinked a few times and then looked at him.

"I know." She said, hoping her voice wouldn't betray her.

"You don't have to hide so much you know? You're worried. I understand, she's your girlfriend." He didn't say another word for the next 15 minutes after Lexa glowered at him for that comment. When they finally pulled up in the parking lot of the hospital, he muttered "We're here." before hopping out of his jeep.

"Let's catch up with Clarke. She texted me. She's in the E.R." Lexa nodded. She followed him and cringed when she saw the doors of the E.R.

"Just breathe." She whispered to herself.

"You coming?" Jasper urged her. She nodded quickly and followed him inside. Clarke was sitting on one of the chairs. She almost ran back out when she breathed in the familiar smell. She couldn't do this. Clarke glanced at her, however, which made her reconsider. She nodded to herself and started walking towards the blonde.

"Hey." She said trying to convey tenderness into her voice when she sat next to her girlfriend. Jasper kneeled in front of her.

"How are you doing?" He asked her and she just shrugged.

"How's your foot?" Lexa added to the conversation, almost reaching out to play with the blonde's hair, but decided against it. When Clarke looked at her, their eyes locked. The usual liveliness that coated her face was now replaced by a blank expression.

"Hurts." She answered.

* * *

 

“Do they even know we’re here?” Jasper muttered angrily after a half an hour.

“We’ve only been here for 30 minutes. These things take longer. We’ll probably be here for a while." Lexa stated as he huffed.

“Great." Lexa glared at him. Clarke wasn't complaining so why was he?

"You can go home, Jasper. I can look after her." slipped out of her mouth. Jasper glared at her, feeling offended.

"I was just saying, Lexa. You don't need to go all protective lesbian on me." Lexa raised an eyebrow. Fucking straight white boy.

"Children, can we stop?" Miss Dasler said. Before she could add anything else, her phone rang. "Nevaeh Dasler speaking." She said answering it and going outside.

"Let's just play a game or something," Clarke muttered. Lexa took out a deck of cards from her bag, earning a questioning look from both Clarke and Jasper. How was she supposed to explain she still kept a deck of cards in her bag out of habit. She spent too much time in hospitals.

"Go fish?" Clarke nodded. The cards were dealt, and they played for 2 hours. Lexa would giggle every time Clarke groaned when she had to go fish. Even now, while she was hurt, she could still pour all her attention in one single activity. Jasper was winning right until Lexa had told him to go fish. After that, Lexa took the lead. After a while, Clarke sighed and wanted to lean on Lexa, a longing that only frustrated her. She didn't want to feel this need for comfort.

Clarke glanced at her foot and tried wiggling her toes. It hurt, but she was sure her foot was fine. She would be fine tomorrow. That's what she kept telling herself. She had to be fine.

"How about those jacks?" Clarke said noticeably worn-out. Lexa obliged and handed her two jacks. "Nines?" She voiced.

"Go fish." Right as she reached for the card on top of the deck, her name was called out.

"Do you want us to come with you?" Jasper asked, but she hesitated. "Or just Lexa!" Jasper added feeling like he was intruding on the couple. "You go, Lexa."

"Uh-" She looked at Clarke, who simply shrugged at her. She didn't have much choice after Jasper almost pushed her onto the blonde.

"Fuck sakes." She mumbled and followed Clarke. "You sure you want me in there? I can leave."

"No. _Stay_. I could use a friend." She stated.

"Ms. Griffin is it? How about you go sit on the table." He started examining her. "Any pains when you walk?" She nodded. He then squeezed her ankle, and she hissed. "Okay, that is probably twisted. Did the stage light land on it?" Clarke shook her head and explained what happened. He probed her foot again, examining different areas, and earning a few hisses here and there. The blonde's eyes found Lexa's and she felt a shiver travel down her spine.

"Okay, I'd like to run an X-ray." Clarke sighed and closed her eyes. "I'll be back. I will see if I can find you an open slot."

When the doctor left, Lexa gave the blonde an empathic look. "It'll be okay." She whispered, shuffling her chair closer to Clarke. Clarke sighed and rested her head on the examining table. Lexa brushed away some of Clarke's hair strands and tucked them behind her ear. She met her gaze and kept it there. It felt oddly intimate, and Clarke didn't mind. She craved her comfort. The doctor came back in and said there was a slot available right now. Not long after, the blonde was rolled off to radiology. When the X-rays came back, the doctor allowed Lexa to stay in the room after Clarke requested it. Her mother had still not arrived. Apparently there had been an accident on the highway due to the snow, and she was stuck in traffic. What were the odds?

"Right, you're mostly bruised, but you tore a ligament in your ankle, meaning you have a grade II sprain. You will have to stay off that foot for at least a week. You should recover in about 6 to 8 weeks, depending on the swelling. I'll be just a minute, let me go get the air splint to immobilize your foot." She was crying, silently. Her face wouldn't betray her feelings were it not for the tears rolling down her cheeks. She didn't sob. Her face didn't fall. Those tears alone were the single acknowledgment of her internal struggle.

"Ms. Griffin? I can prescribe you some painkillers if you're in pain." She shook her head. Thankfully winter break was around the corner so she wouldn't miss too much class. Winter break was only a month, though. She would still need another few weeks to recover.

"Clarke it'll be okay."

"I'll be back in a minute Ms. Griffin." She looked to her side.

"Shit." She whimpered brushing her tears from her cheeks. Lexa sat next to her, then grabbed her hand.

"You'll be fine. It's just a few weeks of classes. They'll understand." She looked at Lexa's hand which was covering hers and started shaking her head. 

"That's not the point!" She untangled their hands forcefully. "I'll still be behind. I'm talking about my standards here as well! And what are you doing?" She said referring to the handholding. The image of their kiss and the feeling that came with it flooded her mind but she willed it away. She hated the comfort she took in the mere memory of her lips, or the touch of her hands. She hated this grown dependency. Especially with the knowledge that the intent behind any comfort was far from real. She realized then, that's what she wanted, it to be real, and it sickened her because Lexa would never be this way if she didn't have to be. 

"I want to be here for you."

"Why?"

"Because you're feeling like shit." Lexa said plainly. The doctor came back in and started putting the air cast on her foot, afterward he handed Clarke a prescription and some crutches.

"Stop by the pharmacy on the third floor to get your painkillers."

"Thanks." The blonde muttered and started moving. She struggled with the door, and when Lexa held it open looking concerned, the blonde's temper grew into an infuriated ball of energy. It was happening again. Clarke felt the insecurity grip at her throat, and she felt like a caged animal trying to get out. 

"Will you leave it? I've got it."

"Clearly," Lexa said crossing her arms. She was moving towards the waiting area of the E.R. where Jasper was still waiting for them.

"Stop following me." Lexa was surprised.

"We are going the same way, Clarke." Clarke rolled her eyes. Always so fucking poised. Always that fucking apathetic mask on.

"Hey! Shit. Crutches. What did they say?"

"Eight weeks." was the only thing Clarke uttered angrily. She moved towards the elevator but Lexa still followed her. "You still going the same way?" She snapped.

"Yes. I'm not leaving you alone. Where's Dasler?" She asked Jasper. He explained Dasler had received an emergency call and had to leave, trusting Jasper to drive Lexa back to school. She assumed Abby would come and pick her daughter up. All three of them occupied the elevator. Jasper looked awkwardly between the two of them.

"Clarke I get that you're upset but you don't need to take it out on your girlfriend. She's only trying to help and deep down you know you want her here."

"I didn't ask for your opinion." Clarke barked. She couldn't handle it, the elevator was going so slow as well. She felt suffocated. "And she's not my fucking girlfriend." Clarke was seething. Jasper was shocked and looked even more uncomfortable.

"Clarke!" Lexa said with a high pitched voice. Her tone had disapproving twinge to it. " _Stop_." She said shaking her head. She tried to reach out to the blonde, but Clarke nearly growled at her. She flinched and balled her fists, which she pulled in the air. She couldn't bear having Lexa touch her, not after realizing how much she needed the comfort to be real. Any risk of it not being real was enough for her to avoid every single kind of touch Lexa was trying to give her. 

"I will if both of you would leave me alone!"

" _Stop_ being a brat. Who will drive you home if we leave you here?"

"My mother." Clarke retorted. Lexa sighed audibly. The elevator reached the third floor and Lexa followed Clarke out.

"Stay here." She barked at Jasper who gladly obliged.

"What the hell was that?!" She gripped Clarke's arm and stopped her, making sure she wasn't hurting the blonde.

"I don't want to fucking do this anymore."

"What?"

"I'm over it, this." She said waving between them. She was barely hanging on. She was this close to breaking down. "This fake relationship."

"It was your idea."

"Well now it's my idea to stop it." Her snark had a bite to it. Lexa looked dumfounded, and Clarke took that as her cue to leave. She tried breathing out deeply, hoping that would help her. The brunette had paused before she ran after the girl.

"Stop!" Lexa yelled almost desperately. "I get it. You're angry, you're lashing out. Just-"

"I don't want to do it anymore Lexa. I'm over it. It's not worth it. I have more important things to worry about." She was hurrying her words. 

"Why are you doing this? We've been trying to be friends for over a month and now you're acting like you can't stand the sight of me."

"Well maybe I can't." _'No, I don't.'_ She looked away, afraid the brunette would notice the tears in her eyes, but also afraid to witness the hurt which blazed across Lexa's face. Lexa swallowed trying to down the sadness that was threatening to overflow her senses.

"I can't keep up with your mood swings." Lexa attempted.

"Well then don't. Not everything is about you." Lexa blew out angry steam. Clarke bit her lip because she knew tears were brimming at the edge of her eyes. 

 _'Fine.'_  Lexa thought. She turned on her heels and texted Jasper he didn't have to wait for her. Clarke breathed out sharply as if she had been holding that particular breath for a while. 

Lexa would take a bus. She stormed out to the hospital's courtyard. She hated hospitals. Why the fuck was she here? This place raised all kinds of feelings. Feelings that rendered her useless.

Lexa gritted her teeth. She went through her bag and looked for her cigarettes. She shook the lighter as a flame appeared when she tried to use the lighter again. She lit the cigarette and inhaled deeply. When she got back to school that night, she took a shower, and it seemed as if her tears soaked her skin more than the water did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, I fell asleep after a long day and I was still editing. It's still Wednesday somewhere in the world lol. I rewrote this chapter a few times, to a point I think it was just a hard chapter for me to write. Thank you for all the comments and kudos I received.


	8. Chapter 8

Lexa scribbled on the paper, feeling frustrated with herself. She could just not get the CODA down. On top of everything else, the led point broke when she applied more pressure after feeling an exasperated heat flow from her ribs to her fingers. She groaned loudly and looked through her back. She had sworn she brought one in her pencil case.

_'None.'_

She felt the need to grasp the piece of paper, crumple it up and throw it across the room. She had to content herself with balling her fist and digging her nails into her flesh. She then groaned once more, loudly, hoping the angry steam within her had finally found an exit. She breathed out and rubbed her sweaty hands on her trousers while she shook her head.

She rubbed her eyes, feeling deflated, and then glanced at the clock but dreaded going back to her dorm. She had to go back at some point. She hadn't slept in her dorm for two days. The fear of dreams and a suffocating duvet though kept her away. Two blazing blue eyes filled her mind at the thought of her dreams. She willed the image away and focused on the simple keys which laid in front of her. Black and white were the only colors she wished to think about. She tightened her jaw and hoped the blue-greyish haze that encircled her mind would clear when she stroked the keys. She played, very slowly, at first, filling her ears with sounds she knew. She closed her eyes and was relieved when she only perceived music. She continued, following her instincts. She unzipped the echoing sounds and crawled inside them, finding solace in their warmth.

She sighed happily when the only thing left in her mind, was a dull and comforting haze. She welcomed the safe numbness she had grown accustomed to over the years.

A knock on the door startled her. When the door opened slowly, Octavia's head peeked through the opening. She silently questioned whether she was bothering Lexa, and when Lexa smiled, it gave Octavia enough permission to enter the room and close the door behind her. Lexa continued playing, but the soft undertone of Octavia's presence broke the peace Lexa had created for herself. She looked at the brunette once more and brought the resonating hum to a close.

When she turned on the stool, Octavia sat up.

"That was really nice."

"Thank you." Lexa's gaze drifted back to the paper she had been scribbling on. Octavia bit her lip. She wanted to say something, anything. She had passed this music room for the past week, almost, and every time, she spotted the brunette behind those keys.

"Have you been to your dorm at all? It seems like you haven't left since yesterday." She finally asked. She then retrieved a mars bar from her bag and placed it on the top of the piano. Lexa smiled at the small gesture of kindness but shrugged.

"I haven't." She wanted to ask more, to ask why, but words seemed to be a foreign concept. Octavia had to hear it from Monty that Clarke and Lexa had broken up, which didn't please Octavia, to say the least. What upset her even more, was that Clarke hadn't said anything to her for days. Monty had noticed her roommate being more withdrawn, which was saying something. The only reason Monty even knew what happened was because Jasper had witnessed the hospital meltdown, or that's what he called it. Neither one of them elaborated to a large extent, they would only confirm when asked. Just as they had done, when their relationship was rumored.

"Lexa-" She hesitated and then sighed. Lexa turned on her stool and looked at her attentively. Before Octavia could say any more, she received a text. She sighed and gave Lexa a regretful smile.

"I have to go."

_'Probably Clarke.'_

She couldn't really blame Octavia. They had never actually dated, still it felt as if they had. The awkward tension as a result of their breakup was unavoidable. She laughed at herself, the bitterness staining the nooks of her mouth. 'Break up'. As if one could even call it that. Heavy soot sunk on her chest when she allowed herself a fleeting reflection on their forged relationship. She clamped onto the seat beneath her, hoping she could regain some mental balance. She looked back at the black keys and stroked a few.

The keys had rippled calmness through her before, whereas now they did not give her shelter from her drizzling disposition. Lexa looked at the time once more and decided perhaps going back to her dorm would not be as daunting as it was yesterday. Perhaps her duvet would suffocate her as it did the night she returned from the hospital. And perhaps she would have dreamless sleep.

When she arrived at her dormitory, however, she heard screaming. Feeling bold, she approached her room, where the loud voices originated from. She closed her eyes, caressing the door and leaning on it. She shook her head and turned on her heels. Possibly some tea first. She made her way to the cafeteria downstairs and hoped whatever Monty had going on would be solved by the time she headed back.

* * *

 

Monty sat on her bed, rubbing her temples as Jasper was pacing through the room. It wasn't helping her nerves.

"I don't get it. First your hair, then your clothes, now this. I feel like I'm dating someone I don't know-" Despite wanting to reach out to him and comfort him, she was not certain she would have the energy to do so. She felt drained.

"Maybe you don't!" She stated boldly.

"So tell me what's going on. My girlfriend is changing into someone completely different, and you won't even tell me why!"

"Not completely different. I'm still me."

"Monty." Jasper nearly cried. "Why are you doing this?"

"I'm doing this for _me_ , Jasper. I don't feel good. I know this isn't exactly easy on you-"

"Maybe it would be easier if you would just tell me what was happening. Put it into words!" Jasper said eyeing the socks he had found in Monty's pants during a heavy make-out session. He was scared. The hair, the clothes, the socks in the underwear, It was all quite obvious, but too daunting for him to consider. He was begging for a different explanation.

"Stop yelling at me!" Jasper hid his hands in his hair and paced around.

"Okay, I'm sorry, but this all going so fast. Just _please_ , tell me what's happening?" Monty sighed deeply. He was still pacing, eyes wide and hands in his hair. She reached out to him and grasped his hand. For a moment, he stopped. He simply gazed into her eyes, soon after his shoulders relaxed and his eyes slotted. His whole body deflated and he kneeled in front of her. He sighed and leaned his head against hers.

"I just feel like I'm not who I'm supposed to be. This hair, and the clothes, it helps. They make me feel more like me." She whispered, and he pressed his head harder against hers.

"So you're a guy now?" He finally felt brave enough to ask the question that was lingering on his lips. Monty pushed him away and looked at him anxiously.

"I didn't say _that_! I just- I don't know okay? Sometimes I don't feel this way, and on those days, I love my body, but most of the time I feel bad about it all like I'm not who I'm supposed to be. Sometimes I might want to be a guy, sometimes I want to be a girl. Last week I was fine, but now, I wish I could just cut these off!" Monty cried gripping her breasts. Jasper mirrored her tears and sobbed, leaning more on the floor. He didn't know what was happening. What did this mean? He felt like he was losing the person he loved. He put his arms around Monty still, though. He loved her, him? He didn't know.

"Jasper... please don't leave me," Monty said, the tears covering her cheeks. Jasper sniffed and stared at her. He shook his head and wrapped his arms around her waist, then hid his head in the crook of her neck and breathed in, hoping he would not forget this smell.

"I won't," Monty's grip on his shoulders became tighter. She held on for dear life. He couldn't leave her. Then it happened. "I just don't know how to be with you like this. I'm not sure if I can do it." He muttered and his grip tightened. He didn't look up. "I'm not gay. If you don't know what you are, how do I know how to- how does this work for us?" Monty was scared. By now Jasper's embrace had faltered and he leaned on his heels while hunching forward.

"I'd still be me! Just with short hair, and different clothes. Sometimes! Not all the time. I could tell you on the day, what I am that day or something."

"What you are?" His hands fell from her waist and rested on her thighs.

"Yeah. On the days I feel like a guy, I could tell you. Right?"

"Yeah, maybe." Jasper considered, squeezing his girlfriend's knees. He trembled at the mere thought of what was happening. He could feel it. He swallowed deep and bit the inside of his mouth.

"I'm sorry." He voiced and shook his head.

"No, Jasper." He was getting up, untangling himself from her. Monty wanted to stand up, regain the connection they had, regain the touch of his hands.

"Maybe, we can take a break."

"Jasper don't this."

"I think we need to." At this point Monty was angry.

"So that's it?! You don't love me anymore because I put a few socks in my underwear and cut my hair?!"

"Of course, I love you. I know this doesn't make sense, in my mind I love you, and I want to be with you but-"

"So be with me! Please!"

"I can't, not right now. I don't know how-" He sighed. "I'm sorry Monty."

At this point, Lexa had found herself back to her dorm. A selfish part of her was disappointed when she heard their argument was still taking place. Her disappointment was swiftly replaced by a strong sense of concern, especially when Jasper exited the dorm, his eyes red and swollen, his demeanor small and exhausted.

"Jasper? Are you okay?" She asked but he didn't respond. Feeling anxious, she quickly ran into her room and found Monty in tears, again. She glanced over her shoulder, hoping to catch another glimpse of Jasper, but the boy was long gone. She kneeled down, much as Jasper had done before and cupped Monty's face. Monty leaned into the gentle touch.

"What happened?" She asked.

"I think we broke up." She had expected as much. She wrapped her arms around the girl and hugged her tightly.

"You want to talk about it?" She tried but Monty shook her head. Lexa nodded, recognizing this familiar feeling of neglect and abandonment. She looked up and attempted once more, "Does it have to do with the haircut?" This time, Monty started sobbing, which provided her with the evidence she needed to complete her assumption. She hung forward and hid her face in her knees. Lexa rubbed her back, trying to soothe the sobs out of her.

After a few hours of listening to Monty cry and spew out incomprehensible words, she stood up and took out a book from her bookcase. She hesitantly gave it to Monty. She wanted to add a disclaimer, hoping she wasn't offending her friend. Monty had been what she needed after what happened with Clarke, she didn't want to throw that kindness back in her face by being intrusive now.

"It doesn't need to-" She was trying to make herself understood. Monty clenched her jaw when she read the title. The book was quite obvious.

"My cousin is genderqueer. It's a good read. They're mostly pictures, very creative. You can take it out of my bookshelf whenever you want, or you can keep it now." She was expecting Monty to be angry, she would be, but Monty simply hugged her.

"Thank you. I might take a shower now, though." She said sadly.

"I might be asleep by the time you come back." Monty nodded and left their dorm with her toiletries. Lexa breathed out. Despite the evening concluding with heartbreak on Monty's end, the conversation and intimacy she had shared served as an effective distraction. She didn't think of Clarke or anyone else when she rested her head against her pillow that night. Soon enough she fell asleep after tossing and turning for 4 days.

* * *

 

When Lexa entered the dining hall the next day she felt more confident than she had before. The sight of the blonde didn't entice a bruising ache like it did a few days ago. She still felt a pull whenever she attempted to glance at that particular table, but she had made it this far. She had survived more than this.

Clarke glanced at the brunette and sighed sadly. She hadn't spoken much about it, if at all, which aggravated both Octavia and Raven, but mostly Octavia. The brunette sighed angrily, so Clarke raised an eyebrow, knowing her best friend would want her to question why she was sighing angrily. Clarke raised her eyebrows, silently obliging the brunette.

"How is that within the span of a few days our whole group is torn apart because two couples broke up?" Clarke sighed. Not this again. "First you and Lexa, now Jasper and Monty."

"This is why you should never date within the friend group." She stared at Bellamy too, who had started sitting at their table again when he heard about the hospital meltdown. Octavia didn't know which feeling prevailed, annoyance at how transparent her brother was, or just happiness, having him there again. She hated it. Incest she called it, pure incest.

"Well, I'm sorry to inconvenience you, Octavia," Jasper muttered feeling offended. She wasn't the one hurting here.

"Lexa was hardly part of our friend group O," Clarke interjected. They were her friends first, and she wanted them to be in her camp. At least Octavia and Raven. She understood Monty being close to Lexa, they were roommates after all, but Octavia was _her_ best friend. Even if she had shut her out for a while, she was hoping Octavia would still have her back. She just wanted someone to have her back and not mention Lexa. That wasn't going to happen, though. Octavia babbled on about how Lexa had become one of her friends.

After the conversation had turned to the subject Lexa completely, Bellamy muttered some excuse about being late and cleared off his plate, while earning an eye roll from his sister. He was being quite obvious.

She didn't want to talk about Lexa. She felt broken enough. The hospital, the ankle, it was all too much for her.

 

_"Clarke-" Abby said when she helped her daughter to bed._

_"Please, mom. Just don't." Her voice cracked, and Abby nodded. When the door closed, Clarke sighed, hunching over and put her head in her hands._

_"What did I just do?" She whimpered, hoping no more tears would stumble from her eyes. She looked at her phone and an overwhelming desire to text Lexa and just say she didn't mean it, drowned her. She didn't find the courage to type out the words. What would she say? Sorry seemed too little even to begin to cover what happened._

 

It was too late now, despite how miserable she felt. She attempted to glance at Lexa without calling attention to herself. In reality, her expression was not as restrained as she had hoped for. Her eyes, full of desire and regret, pined after the brunette, who was munching on a green apple near one of the windows. She stared out at the gardens, absentmindedly. A wave of sadness soaked her bones. Clarke looked down. Anguish, she thought, left a metallic-like taste on her tongue, but in reality, she had bitten on the inside of her cheek and broke the flesh red.

"Fuck sakes," Octavia muttered under her breath and shook her head. She looked behind her and rolled her eyes once more. She wanted to help Clarke. Even more, she wanted to help Lexa.

"You know, you never really told me what happened." Octavia stated addressing the moping elephant in the room, but also addressing what had been gnawing at her for over a month. Clarke had stopped speaking to her and she felt so out of the loop, she couldn't even see the loop. Clarke shrugged while she played with her soup. What could she tell Octavia now?

 _'Oh yeah, by the way, I faked that relationship for whatever reason possessed me at the time, and now I think I might've screwed up something that actually makes me happy.'_ Octavia would scorch her alive.

"It just wasn't working out." ' _I felt trapped and out of control. I wanted it to be real, and it wasn't._ '

"Clarke if you made a mistake- I mean Raven said you broke up with her, but how it looks here-" Clarke sighed and gave Octavia a pointed look.

"I was angry, maybe scared." Clarke glanced at the brunette near the window. She swallowed the stinging lump that was stuck in the back of her throat. "It doesn't matter now anyways," She whispered, her eyes betraying how she felt.

"Of course, it does, just talk to her." Clarke snorted.

"She doesn't care about me."

"Dude, come on. Stop with the self-pity. You made a mistake, go fix it." Clarke drew her brows together and huffed. "Clarke." Octavia hissed.

"What?"

"Just talk to her."

"I can't." There it was again, that feeling of entrapment. If she spoke to Lexa now, it would create a situation with no fire exit. How would she begin to explain this? Was she even ready to think about it herself?

"Why not?!"

"Because, it- it doesn't- matter. It's over!" She stuttered and Octavia groaned.

* * *

 

Later that day Clarke dropped her bag at the front door of her house. She smelled the pot-roast her mother was cooking in the oven. When she made her way to the kitchen counter, Abby turned around a smiled hesitantly.

"How was your day?" Clarke merely shrugged. "Do you want some fruit?" She attempted, but Clarke looked at her curiously.

"Fruit?"

"Yeah, you know, an apple or something?" It was rare that Abby would be this awkward. Clarke looked at her suspiciously.

"What is it, mom?" Abby widened her eyes and heaved her shoulders highly.

"Nothing honey, I just want to make sure you're eating."

"I'm fine mom," Clarke said sitting down on a stool behind the kitchen counter after she laid her crutches on the floor. She already knew what this was about. Her mother placed an apple in front of her and Clarke puffed. She reluctantly took a bite and gave her mother a sassy look. Abby pursed her lips and sighed.

"You'd think you would grow out of that when you turned eighteen." Clarke simpered. She peeked over the counter when her mother opened the pot which was sitting on the stove.

"Is that dad's recipe?" Her mother hummed. Clarke smiled sadly. She wanted to say something, anything about her dad, spark a conversation about him with her mother, but she would probably be shut down the minute she tried. Her mother never spoke of him. Clarke twirled the remaining apple on the counter and sighed unhappily. Abby glanced behind her shoulder and turned around.

"I know you're hurting," She stated which made Clarke stare slightlessly. A small flame of hope sparked inside of her but was quickly extinguished when she added, "I wish you would talk to her. I know you two could work out it." Clarke was angry now. A mixture of disappointment and pressure prompted her to lash out.

"You don't know anything about it."

"I know you broke up, from one day to another. You were happy with her."

"And what would you know about my happiness? I've been miserable for years, and now you notice? Because I broke up with my girlfriend?"

"I-" Abby stuttered.

"Don't bother." Clarke bit and jumped off the stool, landing on one foot and crouching down to reach for her crutches.

Abby closed her eyes and sighed when her daughter hopped off to her room. She knew she hadn't been the best mother the last few years. After Jake died, it just all fell to pieces.

* * *

 

The next day Abby brought the subject up again, hoping for a better outcome. She asked Clarke to fight for what she wanted. Not just Abby brought it up but Jasper did too, not to speak of Octavia who would give her meaningful looks when Clarke would merely glance at Lexa.

Everyone had their two cents to add and all Clarke wanted to do was hide under her covers. She was outside, it had just started snowing. She looked out onto the frozen lake before her, it was nice. The silence gave her comfort, she was able to block out their voices. The drawback of blocking out others was giving your own inner voice the limelight.

It would be Christmas soon, which meant new memories, without her dad. The thought alone made her lip tremble. The pictures of her dad been removed, and so had the subject from conversations. She missed him and she couldn't even properly remember him. Her mother would clamp up every time she even mentioned him.

She sighed and put her head in her hands. She lifted her knees to her chest and breathed in. She was trying to clear her head, despite the position making her ankle throb. It probably wasn't the best idea to sit like this. Before she could readjust her position someone cleared their voice. When she looked up she was met with those familiar greens.

Lexa looked at her. Her eyes were filled with a mixture of concern and wariness.

"Are you okay?" She asked. When Lexa walked down Eliot Court today, she hadn't expected to see Clarke sitting on a snow covered bench, hugging her knees. She also never predicted, she would approach her and ask whether she was alright. No, not after what happened. Why would she give Clarke the chance to discard her once more? The blonde's eyes brimmed with tears and pulled at Lexa's heart.

What she despised most, was a longing which emerged inside of her. She wasn't sure whether it appeared after or before that day at the hospital. Her days had become tenuous and meager without the blonde stealing her fries, or ranting about Annie. All she wanted to do the minute Clarke told her to go away was look for her, because she knew something was wrong. She could feel it. Something about Clarke's tone at the hospital was uncommon. So here she was, looking, longing for her.

When Clarke didn't answer her, she sighed feeling frustrated she opened herself up to rejection. And what kind of rejection? Nothing was ever real when it came to Clarke. Before Lexa turned around, the blonde grasped her wrist and pulled her down. Surprised, Lexa eyed her curiously but sat down anyway.

"Well, are you?" Clarke shrugged and averted her gaze.

"Okay then." Lexa wanted to stand up, but Clarke held her in place a second time. "Stop playing games Clarke," Lexa said sounding irritated. The words resonated with Clarke.

 _"I can't deal with your mood swings."_ She had said a few days prior. Clarke didn't want to come across as if she didn't know what she wanted. She was scared. That's all she knew. Scared and unhappy.

"I'm sorry." The blonde muttered genuinely while looking deeply into Lexa's eyes and locking their gaze. "I really am," She repeated. Lexa nodded.

"For what?" Lexa attempted in the form of a whisper. She wanted Clarke to be clear, too much had gone unsaid. Too many lines had been blurred.

"For what happened at the hospital. How I acted- breaking up with you, making you feel like shit, being so ungrateful... I could go on." Clarke said, and she looked down.

She then added as her voice splintered "I don't hate the sight of you, God it's the opposite- I just-" Lexa was profoundly confused. Lexa's heart was racing. Just what?! She felt a lump rise in her throat.

By now the blonde was struggling. Lexa's breath was heavy and she finally reached out, disregarding the vulnerability she was exposing herself to. She enveloped Clarke in a hug. The blonde puffed but promptly wrapped her arms around the brunette and buried her head in the crook of Lexa's neck. She felt safe. She felt happy and when her heart fluttered after Lexa tightened her grip and stroked her hair, Clarke let it happen. She didn't deny it or contain it anymore. It was there. Clarke knew in that moment she had lost her battle with denial.

She sighed when she got out of the hug and told herself to act normal. A tear, however, ran down her cheek and took her by surprise. Lexa's embrace made her feel okay, only Clarke had a certain amount of 'okays' around Christmas, especially this year. Everything had gone to shit. Lexa, her foot, her dad, her prospects. Just a snowflake of happiness sucked her reserves of 'okayness' dry. And now she felt like utter crap. She missed her dad and she missed Lexa. She missed her even now, in this moment, yearning to feel her embrace once more. She was in trouble.

When Lexa reached out and brushed away the tear, her cheeks invited more to fall and next thing she knew she was sobbing into Lexa's arms, and consequently the brunette hushed and cradled her until the sobs stilled and only a few sniffs remained. Clarke hated how easily Lexa soothed her. How easy it was to find comfort in her warmth. How much she started trusting her, a prospect which frightened her more than anything. She didn't easily trust, if ever. The possibility of Lexa hurting her, and how much she would be able to, was dawning on her. Lexa was here, though, and she wasn't hurting her, she was comforting her, which sparked some hope for Clarke. 

"Thank you," Clarke muttered when she lifted her head from Lexa's shoulder, after lingering a bit too long. Lexa nodded. She wanted to ask whether or not Clarke wanted to talk about it but her instincts told her the blonde wanted to be distracted.

"You want to hear something I've been working on?" Lexa asked, brushing Clarke's hair behind her ear. She knew they were still in an awkward place and she was still mad at her, but right now was not the time to have that conversation. The fact Clarke had let her comfort her, told her they would be able to have that conversation somewhere in the near future. And that was enough for the brunette.

Clarke smiled and nodded. On their way to the music room, they interjected Octavia, who eyed them suspiciously.

"Have I missed something?" She asked noticing Clarke's puffy eyes.

"Octavia." Lexa greeted sternly and Clarke gave Octavia a small smile, anything she could muster up really. Before Octavia could respond or even question, Lexa wrapped her hand around Clarke's waist. Clarke gulped feeling Lexa's slim fingers on her spine. When they turned the corner, however, Lexa withdrew her hand. It felt cold, and deserted, possibly how Lexa felt a few days earlier.

She used her keycard to open the music room and guided Clarke to a chair next to the piano. The blonde was still using her crutches, so Lexa was mindful of the position she was leaving the blonde in.

"Is this okay? Do you want a chair for your foot?" Clarke smiled and shook her head.

"No, thank you." Lexa nodded and closed the door before she sat on the stool in front of the piano. Her hands were really sweaty. She didn't usually mind playing in front of others, let alone get nervous, but she could feel Clarke's eyes piercing through her. She pushed out a breath and started playing.

She glanced at the blonde a few times. She didn't smile but she didn't frown either. Clarke appeared impartial, which started worrying Lexa. Was her piece that bad? Was this a bad idea? She knew she should've worked more on the CODA. Her doubts were put to rest when she noticed Clarke propped up her arm and rested her head against it. She seemed content. She didn't exactly smile, but the edges of her mouth indicated she was comfortable. Her gaze never faltered.

When Lexa finished, Clarke wasn't sure if she should clap. She decided against it. She smiled and held the brunette's gaze.

"Thank you," She whispered. "That was beautiful."

"Yeah?" Lexa bit her lip. She was still slightly insecure about her piece."I'm not sure about the CODA, I might-"

"It's perfect Lex," Clarke said with a level of honesty that made Lexa's heart throb. They sat in silence neither leaving the others' eyes. The silence surrounding was both soothing and needed. Clarke's mind had finally stopped buzzing. She was at peace. "You should play for me more often."

"You should come visit me more often then." It wasn't meant to have a bite to it, but it did. The resentment in Lexa's voice turned a mist that was once appeasing, awkward. Clarke bit her lip regretfully.

"I will," she whispered hoping her unspoken promise reverberated through her words. Lexa nodded. Meanwhile, Clarke had hopped over to the couch a little further away.

"It's more comfortable," She explained. The brunette eyed Clarke laying her head on the couch, and closing her eyes. She had been tired, but the expression on Clarke's face indicated repentance and unhappiness. Lexa wanted to reach out once more but didn't this time. She didn't want to flatten everything out, as if everything was okay between them, when it wasn't.

"Clarke?" Lexa murmured, and the blonde raised her head. She leaned her head on her elbow once more.

"Hmm?"

"Do you mind if I just practice, for now?" Clarke nodded.

"Do you want me to leave?"

"No." They weren't okay, but Lexa wanted to be. With that, she promised to hear Clarke out, whenever she was ready to have that conversation.

After that Clarke had spent the whole night listening to Lexa, she had fallen asleep sometime after 11 pm, but Lexa continued playing and glanced at the blonde from time to time. This was nice, better than their lunches, though it competed with their casual hangouts.

This wasn't forged or faked, no pretenses or doubts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lexa seems to be taking care of everyone but herself. Thank you for your comments and kudos :) Next update will be on Wednesday or Thursday.


	9. Chapter 9

Students were leaving around the 22nd to go home for Christmas. Today was the 21st, and Clarke wanted to have lunch with Octavia before she left to visit her family. She realized she had kind of neglected her best friend for months now, what with Lexa and then her schedule. The fact of the matter was, lying to Octavia left her feeling empty and hurtful. Lying to Raven was a different matter, even if the brunette knew you were lying she wouldn't call you out on it. Raven hated lies, but she always had the rationality to realize people lied for a reason, Octavia, on the other hand, was hotheaded and would burn you alive if she found out you lied. Not to mention the amount of groveling she expected afterward, even if there was a valid reason for the lie.

Clarke managed to acquire her mother's car and picked Octavia up. They had decided on pizza.

Arriving at Joey's, about a half an hour later, Octavia's phone buzzed. Clarke arched an eyebrow, silently asking if everything was okay. By the looks of Octavia's expression, something seemed to be bothering her.

"It's Jasper. He's coming too and bringing a bunch of people." Octavia rolled her eyes. Clarke sighed, feeling slightly frustrated that her alone time with her best friend would soon come to an end.

"O, it takes 35 minutes to drive here. By the time he's got everyone together to join us, we'll have spent some time together." She said hoping that would satisfy her friend. Octavia simply shrugged.

"What are you getting?" She muttered, opening her menu and hoping to change the subject.

"Four cheeses probably."

"Your breath is going to smell." Octavia chuckled. The brunette hated cheese, which was technically a deal breaker for Clarke, but she managed to make an exception for Octavia. She smirked at the brunette.

"What about you-" Clarke was interrupted by the waiter handing them two glasses of ice water and asking if they were ready to order. Without missing a beat Octavia placed her order, and Clarke followed her lead.

By the time, the pizza's had arrived the conversation had turned to Lexa.

"I saw you guys in the music room yesterday. I'm glad you're working it out." Clarke shuffled awkwardly in her seat. She shrugged.

"Well- I guess." Octavia looked at her questioningly though her expression was soft and tender. Clarke raised her chest and added, "We're taking things slow. I don't know where it's going." She said truthfully for once. She was done pretending, for her own sake but also for her friendship with Octavia. She couldn't do this anymore. She didn't want to.

"Well considering you were still dating last week, I'm sure it's going somewhere." A downcast expression glazed over Clarke's face.

"I don't want to put that kind of pressure on it. You don't know everything that transpired."

"So tell me," Octavia murmured. Clarke considered telling Octavia everything, coming clean, but before she could, Octavia's phone buzzed again. She rolled her eyes and looked at the screen. "He's bringing Bellamy. Apparently Raven is dragging Lexa with her." She said nonchalantly. Clarke's face brightened when Octavia mentioned her not so fake ex-girlfriend slash new something? Clarke's expression tucked at Octavia's mouth.

Octavia had to contain herself from smiling too widely at seeing her friend this happy. A darker more gloomy dimension slithered its way as an accessory to said thought when she realized Clarke never spoke of Lexa. To her that was. Even now she was still waiting for Clarke to tell her something.

"You're allowed to gush over your girlfriend you know?" Clarke tipped her head.

"She's not my girlfriend."

"Fine your 'complication' then." Clarke looked down and played with a melted string of cheese. This was getting nowhere.

"I like her." Clarke voiced, for the first time out loud. Octavia snorted.

"Well yeah duh."

"No, O-" Clarke huffed. She wanted this to be a serious moment. It wasn't obvious, not for her. She liked Lexa. "It's different, how I feel now," She said looking at Octavia attentively. She was trying, Octavia was really trying to understand what Clarke was aiming to tell her.

Then another message interrupted them, this time, it was Clarke's phone.

 **Lexa Woods** : _I hope this is okay?_

Her heart fluttered. She read it again, hoping the feeling, Lexa's words created, wouldn't leave her body. She smiled and texted back. It was fine. She then looked back at Octavia, who by now had started leaning back in her chair, and she hesitated. She needed to tell Octavia something more, something to at least include her. Clarke knew how she felt about Lexa so she could simply speak about that.

"I really like her. She's-" Clarke breathed in. How would she even put Lexa Woods into words? "She's amazing." The words didn't do justice to how Clarke felt, which left her frustrated. Octavia smiled and tipped her head while she took another bite from her pepperoni pizza.

Clarke felt the sudden urge to tell Octavia what happened, how scared she was. She needed to tell someone that wasn't Lexa, and Octavia had proven to be a good soundboard in the past.

She took a deep breath and said, "I freaked out at the hospital because I realized how I felt. She made it okay Octavia." Clarke huffed emotionally. "She made the foot thing okay," She repeated slowly, articulating every word.

"That's a good thing."

"No, it's not!" Clarke bit down the lump in her throat. "She makes everything okay." Clarke deplored, but Octavia couldn't figure out why Clarke was so upset over this. "She's the first thing I think about, before dance, before any of my responsibilities and the worst things is I catch myself skipping rehearsals for her, watching her work when I'm supposed to be studying." She sighed remembering the one time Lexa tried to tutor her in Music History II, and she ended up just staring at the brunette. She should've known then.

Octavia started chuckling. "Octavia this isn't funny."

"I just don't get it," She said, mirth sticking to her voice. "Why would any of that be a bad thing?"

"Because it terrifies me. And what will happen when she leaves?" Clarke's voice broke. Octavia sighed with a sad smile and laid her hand on top of Clarke's.

"What makes you so sure she will?" Clarke opened her mouth to answer her, but no sound escaped. She took a breath, hoping now to voice what she wanted but there was nothing. Eventually, she found the words, however, feeble they sounded in her mind.

"Everyone does." This time, Clarke's voice turned bitter, and she shrugged, hoping to portray indifference. Octavia wanted to leave her seat and wrap her arms around her friend. This wasn't new. Octavia was hoping it wouldn't rear its ugly head again, but here it was in full glory.

"Have you spoken to her? About this?" Clarke nodded.

"Kind of. This morning."

 

_Clarke woke up in the music room with a blanket wrapped around her. She didn't remember getting a blanket. She also realized, the music had stopped, and she was alone. She was disappointed the brunette didn't stay or, at least, woke her up to say she was leaving. She just left her here. She then glanced at the piano stool and saw a note folded in two and propped up with her name written on it. She took one of her crutches and hopped over to the piano._

_She sat down on the stool after picking up the note._

_"Dear Clarke. I didn't want to disturb your slumber. I have retired to my room as there was no room left next to you on the couch. I hope your sleep was comfortable and warm enough."_

_She glanced at the blanket. It was Lexa's, or, at least, it smelled like her. She glanced at her watch and realized it was well after 10 am. She put her sweater on, which she had taken off the night before after Lexa had started playing. She also put her beanie and scarf back on. Her jacket was up in her room, and she did not feel like making a stop there first. Marlowe House was not too far away._

_She folded the blanket and put it under her arm. It wasn't stable, but it would have to do. She took her crutches and started hopping towards Marlowe House. She wasn't sure how she would manage to get to the first floor, given there was no elevator in Marlowe House, but she was certain she would figure something out. When she was confronted with stairs, she decided to leave one crutch on the ground floor and hold the other alongside with the blanket in one hand and use the railing as support._

_When she reached the first floor, she leaned against the wall, giving herself a chance to catch her breath before she knocked on Lexa's door. Her hands were warm and sticky. Standing in front of the door which belonged to Lexa, she gulped in anticipation and then knocked gently on the wooden surface._

_"Yes." She heard and then turned the knob._

_"Hey." She said shyly and awkwardly closed the door behind her. She was struggling to keep her balance on one crutch, especially as she tried to hold onto the blanket, which by now had started tumbling to the floor. "Hey, Monty," She said once she averted her gaze from Lexa long enough to see Monty sitting on her bed, reading a book with a strange cover. She slammed the book shut, and stuffed it in her back, all quite in a forceful manner, which startled Clarke._

_"I'll leave you guys to it." She said hastily and headed for the door, in return Clarke hopped forward feeling clumsy and almost fell into Lexa's arms. The brunette approached her enough to put her hand on Clarke's lower back and stabilizing the dancer._

_"What happened to your other crutch?" Clarke blushed while Lexa took the blanket, which was dragging on the floor, from the blonde's hands._

_"I left it downstairs. There's no elevator here." The realization hit Lexa as she swiftly guided Clarke to sit on her bed._

_"You should've texted. I would've come downstairs." Clarke shrugged and didn't want to dwell on the frivol matter._

_"Thank you for the blanket. It did keep me warm" She said slowly when she sat down steadily. Lexa smiled, eagerly knotting her hands into the fabric._

_"So." Clarke looked up at those familiar greens. Lexa did not respond or react. She only chewed the inside of her cheek. It wasn't often Lexa would allow her mask to falter. She did with Clarke though. She did it a lot with Clarke, come to think of it._

_"So." Clarke took notice of the soft music coming from Lexa's laptop when neither of them broke the silence between them._

_"Didn't know you were a Zooey Deschanel fan?" Clarke murmured, and Lexa smiled._

_"Only occasionally."_

_"Like now?" Lexa chuckled, and it created delightful knots in Clarke's stomach._

_"Yes, like now." Clarke gazed at her and felt herself getting lost. She was here for a reason. Get it together Griffin._

_"Lex, I-" She looked at the brunette's green eyes and lost her words, again. Fuck, why did this keep happening? "I came here-" Clarke husked. What was it? Why did she come here? She glanced at the brunette's lips, but then let her eyes plunge downwards completely and settle upon her lap. She was starting to get frustrated with herself, particularly given Lexa appeared entirely collected._

_"You came here to-?" Lexa echoed. Clarke bit her lip, almost drawing blood._

_"To talk," She whispered, feeling deflated. This was already proving to be more of a challenge. The blonde blew her hair out of her face, with one solid huff, which made the edges of Lexa's lips quirk. The brief expression of emotion was tucked away when Lexa realized they needed to have a conversation she both dreaded and desired._

_"Yeah." She breathed out. Clarke rubbed her hands, vigorously on her jeans, preparing the words she had practiced in her mind._

_"I know I've apologized about the hospital-" Lexa sighed. She wasn't one to forget something like that, especially given the gravity of Clarke's hurtful words. They still stung._

_"Clarke-"_

_"Just tell me what I need to do to make it right." She pleaded and Lexa sighed once more. Lexa licked her lips and played with her braids._

_"Tell me why. Tell me what happened." Lexa looked at her genuinely. She needed to know, if she had done something, or if this could happen again._

_"I was... scared." Clarke gulped. Lexa nodded, furrowing her brows. Clarke rubbed her clammy hands on her pants, again, and tightened her jaw._

_"When all that went down," Clarke sighed, hoping the words would turn out right. "I wanted you to be... real." She took long pauses between each sentence. "I got scared when I realized you might not have been." She stared ahead of her."So, I pushed you away." Her voice broke, and she didn't dare to look at Lexa._

_Lexa was even more confused now. Clarke breathed in a mouthful of air, hoping to fill her lungs enough to say what she needed to say._

_"I want you to be real now." The magnitude of her own words weighed down on Clarke. She was trembling with each breath she took. Was she even making sense?_

_Lexa smiled lightly and squeezed Clarke's knee, "I am." She said it as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Clarke puffed, trying to keep herself steady._

_"I mean...'this,' between us." Clarke waived her hand between their two bodies. "I wanted it to be real. I want you to be there for real reasons and not just because you had to." Lexa nodded. She did go to the hospital because Jasper practically forced her, but once she was there, she really did want to be there for Clarke, not just because she wanted to support her, but because it just felt damn good to be near her._

_"I've realized, I always want that." Clarke looked up and braved to intercept Lexa's gaze. She swallowed deep when her blues caught her greens. "I don't want to second-guess everything you do, thinking we're keeping up appearances. I want you to do it because you want to, not because you have to." Clarke looked at her, sadness brimming her eyes._

_Lexa breathed out a long steady puff of air and processed all of Clarke's words. She bobbed her head._

_"I just wish you wouldn't have said what you said, and asked," Lexa stated, her hand leaving Clarke's knee. "You could've just asked whether I was there to keep up appearances."_

_"I didn't want you to say yes. So, I just-" Clarke groaned. "You made it no secret when we started this out that you hated me." Clarke loathed how her voice sounded. Lexa was baffled. "I was afraid you still did and that it was all an act."_

_"I never hated you, Clarke." Lexa voiced. That was all Clarke. She had assumed that she did, and their behavior, especially after what happened with Anya, only confirmed it. Clarke surveyed her with much care. "And even if I ever had, I thought you realized I considered you a friend by now," Lexa mumbled, feeling slightly hurt Clarke thought she still disliked her, but that wasn't the point of this conversation. She couldn't make it about that. Clarke's feelings were valid, and she wouldn't want Clarke to make it about herself when she voiced feelings of her own._ _Lexa nodded, looking more closely at Clarke._

_"I'm real, this is real," Lexa stated, hoping that was enough to silence those fears._

_"Okay." Clarke breathed. Lexa avoided saying she was her friend. She wasn't sure that's all she was, or rather wanted to be, but that was not something she was ready to think, let alone talk about._

_"I like your company." Clarke voiced a little out of the blue and Lexa smiled. She smiled wider thinking about Clarke's words. "I like 'you.'" The way she emphasized 'you' made Lexa's stomach tingle. She didn't question the semantics of 'like', nor was she ready to._

_"I like you too." Lexa turned her head to Clarke. "But you really hurt me. It also hurts that you thought I hated you, but I can't really blame you for that." Clarke nodded._

_"I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt you. I'll do anything you want to earn your tru- trust back." Clarke's own words bruised her. The blonde was out of breath, but she was genuine, and Lexa soaked up each syllable. She wasn't one to let something go in the blink of an eye, but the way Clarke looked at her, made her want to just- Stop Lexa._

_"Anything I want huh?" Lexa murmured with a sly smirk, which made Clarke chuckle. When the song changed, the air between them did too. It was lighter._

_"Yeah," Clarke smiled to herself. "Just don't leave." Her smile faltered. Clarke gulped when she said the words, they slipped out. Consequently, Clarke bit her lip regretfully._

_Lexa knitted her brows a little but quickly responded, "I'm not going anywhere."_

 

By the time Clarke had finished giving Octavia a paraphrased version of what they had talked about, minor the pretending part, Jasper and company had entered Joey's. Clarke was relieved. Telling Octavia their conversation, practically made her relive it. Behind Raven, Lexa's curly hair popped out. She had it out. Clarke smiled widely. It was so rare that she got to see it loose and frizzy.

"What?! You guys already ate?" Raven squealed when she flopped down on one of the chairs next to them. "I can't believe you."

"Raven, we didn't even know you guys were joining us. How did you even know we were going to Joey's?" Octavia asked looking at Jasper.

"You're hurting my feelings right now O. Whatever happened to our hierarchy. You bitches going behind my back, having pizza, of all things, without _me_?!" Clarke chuckled and kissed Raven on the cheek.

"Bellamy mentioned it." Octavia rolled her eyes. She had mentioned it last night when Bellamy asked to have lunch together.

"Keep the sugar coming, Clarke." Clarke scoffed but smiled when she saw a twinkle of jealousy in Lexa's eye. Raven yanked her arms up defensively and widened her eyes. "Don't worry Lexa. I'm not making a move on your woman." Lexa shook her head.

"She's not my woman," Lexa mumbled, still displaying a smile on her lips as she sat down next to Raven.

"Okay, okay, your girlfriend." Clarke sighed.

"Can we _not_ go there right now. We're not-" Clarke looked at her pointedly. By now Bellamy's ears perked, and he looked at her with a bright smile. She practically confirmed they were indeed not together, which is what she wanted, no more pretending, but his sly smile almost made her reconsider. His expression soon diminished when Lexa glared at him menacingly.

"What are you having?" Clarke asked Lexa.

"Four cheese probably." Octavia snorted.

"Fuck! Seriously, you guys are made for each other." Clarke shoved her friend's arm, warning her with one particular look.

* * *

 

"Well, I'm stuffed. Let's get the bill and head back to school." Jasper stated. They nodded and Raven stood up to ask for the bill. By the time they paid, Clarke was hoping to share the drive back with Lexa and counted on Octavia to make that happen.

"Guys I'm coming with you," Octavia said and by that taking Lexa's place, as if she had read Clarke's mind. Telepathy, pure telepathy. There were only four seats in Bellamy's car, as one missed a seatbelt and he refused to take anyone without a seatbelt. Bellamy was about to object, but Octavia glared at him and pushed them, alongside Raven out of Joey's.

"I guess you're with me then."

"She's not very subtle," Lexa smirked.

"No, she's not." Clarke laughed, then unlocked her car. "What are you up to today?" She asked as they both hopped into the car after Clarke managed to put her crutches in the back seat. She was still baffled she could drive with one foot in a splint.

 _'The perks of an automatic.'_ She used to hate not having a manual, though her grievances rapidly disappeared when she realized the advantages of an automatic, such as driving with an injury.

"Not much," Lexa mumbled while fidgeting with the radio. Clarke smiled lightly, delighting in Lexa's easy demeanor. She normally didn't allow anyone to even come near her stereo, but watching the brunette tamper with the buttons, was rather endearing. "Probably relishing in the fact I just finished my final this morning." Clarke nearly choked on her own spit. How did she forget Lexa had her Music history exam today.

"How did it go?" Clarke stammered. "I'm sorry I didn't ask earlier." She felt her cheeks darken, the embarrassment coloring her face.

"Don't worry Clarke. I know you can be kind of oblivious." She said playfully, but Clarke pouted. "It went great actually." Clarke chuckled. "What?" Lexa asked.

"Nothing. It doesn't surprise me is all. You're smart." Clarke stated, and Lexa rolled her eyes.

After that, they enjoyed the music coming from the radio. They even sang along when Allesia Cara's song 'Here,' came on. Clarke was surprised how well Lexa could sing. In truth she shouldn't have been, the girl was a music major after all. When she glanced at the brunette, bobbing her head to the music and singing along, one word came to mind. Hot. Her mouth felt dry, and she hoped the leather on her steering wheel wouldn't start creaking by the amount of pressure she was putting on it.

She smiled at herself and sucked on her bottom lip. _'Fuck me.'_ She almost whispered.

About thirty minutes later they passed through the neighborhood close to their campus, right before the woods. Watching the Christmas lights on one of the houses made Clarke's heart sink. Her father used to light up the house completely. Nowadays they barely had a Christmas tree.

Sensing the change in atmosphere Lexa turned down the music and asked, "Are you alright, Clarke?"

Clarke felt the need to close her eyes, but she was driving, she opted for digging her nails into her steering wheel. "No."

"You want to talk about it?" Clarke sighed. Why was it so easy to talk to this girl?

"I just miss my dad," She muttered. Lexa watched Clarke carefully. "He died two years ago, around Christmas." Clarke murmured while heaving her shoulders slowly.

"I'm sorry," Clarke smiled sadly and glanced at Lexa.

"Thanks." Lexa fiddled with her fingers hesitantly

"I- I lost my parents when I was fourteen." Clarke's gaze switched between the road and Lexa. Thankfully they pulled up to campus, so Clarke could now devote her full attention to the brunette. They sat in her car, both using the rain that had just started pouring down as an excuse to stay put.

"How did he die?"

"Motorcycling accident," Clarke said looking at her lap. "He loved that motorcycle," Clarke smiled, sorrow drawing out the edges of her lips. "What about yours?" Lexa shifted in her seat and swallowed. She hadn't thought of her parents in a very long time.

"Drive-by shooting," She said looking at the water droplets running down the car window. One by one, she followed them. It reminded her of a game Anya played with her when they were little. Each chose a single drop, then raced against each other. She smiled at the distant memory. Clarke looked at Lexa and wondered what kind of life she had lived up until now.

"Wow." Clarke breathed and broke Lexa's attention. The brunette winced. She didn't want to have this conversation. The memories this conversation hatched were ones she wanted to keep buried. She rubbed her face.

"Does it get better?" Clarke asked, hoping the answer would be yes. She didn't want to feel this way for the rest of her life.

Lexa smiled at her sadly. "It gets better, but in a way it never does. It just takes time. And at some point, you'll celebrate their life more, rather than grieve their current absence."

Clarke felt the tears begging to fall. She did her best to keep them at bay, but when Lexa brushed them away, she realized she had lost that battle.

"My mom makes it kind of hard to celebrate him." Lexa nodded.

"Sometimes it's hard to remember or even celebrate," She stated knowing what it was like to feel the need to just shut a memory out completely. Costia had accused her doing that exact same thing. She knew it wasn't easy on the people surrounding her.

"Yeah. She does that." Lexa felt a lump of her own grow when the new memories flooded her mind, and her hand fell back into her lap, now balled up into a fist. Memories of Costia at her parents' funeral, memories of Anya, memories of her life and what she had to do to survive, this whole car had become a catalyst for each and one of them. Clarke reached out and wrapped her arms around Lexa, noticing how much the other girl was struggling as well.

They stayed like that for a while, though Clarke had crawled over to Lexa's seat, and sat on her lap, straddling her, while they held each other. She breathed in Lexa soft brown hair and played with her braids, collecting comfort in each folded piece. Moments like this had happened in the past. They would share a not so 'friendly' moment and let it be. Neither one was ready to go there, to talk about it. When Clarke awkwardly readjusted herself to sit next to Lexa, however, small the seat was, she asked her about Christmas, hoping to change the heavy subject.

"What are you doing for Christmas?"

"Nothing. My sister lives too far away. Even if I had the money to visit her, I'm not sure whether she would welcome me."

"So you're going to stay here? Alone?" Lexa tried to smile at Clarke.

"It's not as bad as it sounds." Lexa shrugged. The rain had stopped, and Lexa looked up.

"It sounds fucking terrible." Lexa raised her eyebrows, looking back at Clarke. They both cried out a deep snort.

"Thanks, Griffin, you're really making me feel better here." Clarke's cheeks turned scarlet.

"Sorry," she mumbled. Lexa sighed and rolled her eyes. She playfully nudged Clarke's shoulder with her own.

"Send me a Christmas card?" Lexa smiled.

"Yeah sure. One second." Clarke considered something.

 **Clarke Griffin** : _Hey hon, if I said I might have a solution for the Christmas plans thing, and you could take a train to Octavia's and see Finn after all, would you take it_

 **RavenMyHotTechie** : _Ofc!! What do you have in mind??_

 **Clarke Griffin** : _I make no promises. I'll ask Lexa if she wants to take your place. She's alone for Christmas too._

 **RavenMyHotTechie** : _Oooh going with ze gf. Kissing under the mistletoe. Fucking in your grandparents' guestroom hehehe. Bitch please you're doing this more for yourself, but hey I ain't complaining_.

 **Clarke Griffin** : _Dude it's not like that. We're not together anymore, remember??_

 **RavenMyHotTechie** : _Sure sure, if this is your attempt to get back into the closet, you're failing at it._

Clarke rolled her eyes at the last text. A part of her wanted to tell everyone they were just faking it.

"Someone's popular," Lexa commented when Clarke's phone buzzed again.

 **RavenMyHotTechie** : _You ain't fooling no one._

"It's just Raven," Clarke muttered. She breathed in loudly and mentally prepared herself for a snarky rejection. She prepared herself for the awkward no. She closed her eyes and bit her lip.

"Are you okay?" Lexa asked, but Clarke ignored the question.

"I want to ask you something." Lexa raised an eyebrow and leaned back so she could watch the blonde more carefully.

"Okay."

"I have an extra plane ticket to go to Milwaukee. It's actually Raven's ticket, but she's been wanting to go to Finn's for Christmas instead since she's spending it on her own as well. I mean, she's not spending it on her own, but she isn't spending it with her family. My mom bought that ticket for her. We got it on a cheap deal." Clarke was rambling, so Lexa reached for Clarke's hand and squeezed it. Clarke sighed. "Anyways, I was wondering, considering you're alone for Christmas, whether or not you'd want to take Raven's ticket. It would be a win-win really! Because you'd be helping Raven out and you wouldn't be alone for Christmas." Clarke swallowed hard when she finished her sentence. Lexa smiled widely at her and brushed some of Clarke's hair out of her face.

"Thank you," Clarke smiled widely, trying to contain her excitement. That was until Lexa shattered it "But I wouldn't be able to accept that. Money is still money, and I don't think I would be able to repay your mother anytime soon."

"You wouldn't have to repay her at all."

"More reason for me to decline, but thank you so much." And there it was. At least, the rejection wasn't of the snarky kind. Clarke tried to hide her disappointment. She actually wanted to spend her Christmas with Lexa and had gotten her hopes up at the prospect of it. Two months ago Clarke would have been more than happy to be away from the brunette and their fake relationship shenanigans. Now was a different story.

The prospect of spending a week without even being able to speak to the brunette was not something she was looking forward to. How would she justify calling the brunette? Or even texting her regularly? They weren't exactly in that comfort zone where they could call each other whenever. Clarke made sure she created enough reasons or coincidences to be around the brunette. She could hardly do that though if they weren't in the same time zone.

Clarke looked at her watch and longed to change the subject. She felt embarrassed for even asking.

"There will be a party tonight before everyone leaves. I'm only leaving the 24th but still, it's tradition. Are you going?" Lexa studied her. She wanted to go. She wasn't going to see Clarke for a while, but part of her wanted to do what she always did when someone got too close; avoid said person, so her mood wouldn't depend on someone else. But it was Clarke.

"Okay." The words escaped her mouth mid-mental monolog. She hadn't even noticed taking a breath to speak but there they were, the words displayed and created a smile on her blonde's face. Her blonde?

"Great!" The awkwardness of their position was starting to dawn on Clarke, and she crawled back into the driver's seat.

Taking her cue to leave as the rain had stopped, Lexa said: "Well I'm going to head to my dorm."

"Yeah, I should get this car back to my mom's house. It starts in at nine, but you know how it is, it only really starts in around 10h30." Lexa chuckled.

"Yes, I do know of party etiquette Clarke." She worked in enough clubs to at least know that by now.

Clarke laughed, feeling a little self-conscious, "I'll see you there?" Lexa nodded and exited the car.

* * *

 

Lexa was already down three shots when Clarke arrived hours later at the party they both said they would attend. Entering the party before Clarke, Lexa swiftly decided she needed the liquid courage.

Clarke crossed the threshold with Octavia and Raven. They had all gotten ready together and did their pre-drinks. The brunette nudged her friend and wiggled her eyebrows.

"Your girlfriend is already here."

Clarke looked for the brunette in the crowd as she reminded Octavia, "She's not my girlfriend." After receiving an incredulous look from her friend, they made their way over to Lexa. The closer they got the higher Clarke's heartbeat rose. She was wearing a cream top with longish sleeves. The shirt hung off her shoulder on one side, revealing her collarbone, which made Clarke subconsciously lick her lips. The top was tucked into shorts that were borderline underwear, and she topped it off with garters. Fucking garters. The naked skin called for Clarke's attention, and oh did it receive it. It was a competition between thighs and collarbone.

'How does she manage to look this hot?'

"Girlfriend or not, you're drooling," Raven whispered in Clarke's ear before she ran off with Harper. Clarke widened her eyes and looked away quickly while Octavia had started laughing after overhearing what Raven had said. Once they reached Lexa, the brunette perked up and stopped sipping her club soda.

"Hey." She giggled. Lexa giggled? Clarke had to think of the last time she saw or even heard the brunette giggle. She realized it was never. Chuckle, yes, sure, that happened. Giggle? That was a first and now definitely a favorite.

"Hey." Clarke breathed out, mouth dry, clammy hands, the whole shebang. Their eyes met and locked a bit too long. "I'm going to get a drink." Clarke then said with a bit too much haste. She went over to the bar and ordered two shots.

"Aw, you got me one?" Octavia cooed, but Clarke scoffed at her.

" _Girl_ , I need these both." She downed them right there in front of Octavia's pouty lips.

"Well. You're going all in." Octavia smirked, mentioning she would get her own drink. "Bartender is hot," She stated looking at the ripped guy behind the counter. He had his head shaven, was tall and very built. Just her type.

"Now who's drooling?" Clarke poked.

"At least, I do something about my drooling." She countered and headed towards the bar.

"Drooling?" Lexa echoed tipping her head to the side. Clarke felt her cheeks burn viciously hot.

"Yeah. Drooling."

"Who were you drooling on?" She flirted which was also new. They usually shared meaningful looks or the odd, intimate moment or two. Shy smiles, and cuddles that's what she was used to. This Lexa was looking at her playfully or even seductively. What was even worse, was Clarke concluding this was her favorite version of the brunette. Right here, in this outfit, sipping her drink seductively and smirking at the blonde non-stop.

"Just a really cute girl that caught my eye when I came in." Clarke flirted back. _'No not cute, hot, smoking hot.'_

"Really?" Lexa said teasingly and put her drink down. "Anyone I know?"

"Well, she's really cool. I don't know if you rise to those levels." Clarke said biting her lip. Lexa momentarily lost her grit and considered Clarke would actually be speaking about some other girl. She looked around, but Clarke shook her head.

"Don't be silly," Clarke murmured, grasping her wrist. And with that Clarke had admitted that, yes she was speaking about Lexa and yes she found Lexa drool worthy. Lexa giggled again, and it prompted Clarke's heart to soar.

"Will you guys just kiss and make out already?" Octavia slurred when she came back.

_'How did she even get drunk that fast?'_

"You mean make up." It wasn't a question. Clarke regarded her friend and put her hand on her shoulder. "What has he been giving you?"

"It's called the shot of death! I had three." She gave Clarke a dopey smile and in return Clarke laughed.

"God, remind me never to leave you alone again." Clarke glanced at Lexa, who appeared to be mirroring her amusement. This Lexa had no mask, no walls. It was her.

After two more drinks, Clarke decided to sober up a little with a club soda. Lexa had been alternating between water and cocktails. She seemed fine. Drunk, but not laying on the floor crying, drunk.

"I think I'm going to the bathroom," Clarke muttered.

"I think I'll join you. My bladder is about to burst."

"Well, I'll let you go first then."

"Such a gentle woman."

"Always." Clarke felt more confident. They both waited in line for a few minutes. Lexa, still drunk, started leaning her head on Clarke's shoulder, with a dopey smile plastered on her face.

"You're so drunk." Clarke chuckled.

"You too." Lexa pouted, and Clarke's heart clenched. Pointing Lexa was cute, really fucking cute. She glanced at those lips and caught herself staring. She licked her bottom lip momentarily.

"My turn." Lexa squealed when a door opened, and consequently broke Clarke's attention. They weren't in line long, only two people had been in front of them, and there wasn't anyone behind them. After a few minutes, Lexa stumbled out and reached for the sink. In the mean time, Clarke locked the door behind her and sat on the toilet, breathing in deeply. She was drunk and giddy. A combination Clarke wasn't used to.

When she exited the stall, Lexa was waiting for her by the sink.

"Awh, you waited?" Clarke smirked.

"What kind of ex-girlfriend slash newfound friend would I be if I didn't?" She joked.

"Haha, very funny." Clarke shook her head and washed her hands. Clarke reached for the paper towels, but Lexa didn't shift and as a result made Clarke hop closer to her. "You're such an asshole, you know I can't rotate with this damn foot."

"Maybe I just want you closer to me." She joked. Clarke gulped and stared into Lexa's green orbs. She shook her head and pushed the brunette's shoulder but she let her hand glide down Lexa's arm, which in return Lexa caught, and entwined their fingers. The proximity made her head dizzy. Clarke bit her lip and tried to get her breathing under control.

She stared into Lexa's eyes and caught the brunette glancing at her lips. When she breathed in tightly, she leaned in and waited for the blonde to pull away. She looked at the blonde's eyes, searching any kind of hesitation and when she found none she leaned in further and grazed her lips over Clarke's. Clarke, trying to find her balance, wrapped her hand around Lexa's neck and closed the distance completely. The kiss was chaste, at first, but rapidly found a brisk passion which surged through them, and prompted Clarke to shove Lexa against the bathroom tiles. She hid her hands into Lexa's hair, pressing her forehead against Lexa's.

Lexa's hands found their way onto Clarke's hips, following the thumping of her own heart, and dug her nails into the material of Clarke's pants. Her breathing was erratic, even more so when she pulled the blonde into her. A gasp escaped from Clarke's lips when she felt the proximity of Lexa's body against hers. She leaned into the warmth more, if that was even possible, and molded into her. With a bit more pressure and her tongue grazing Lexa's lips, the brunette wrapped her arms around Clarke's waist, gliding her hands under the blonde's shirt. She got lost, so lost in those lips, in this warmth, in the wetness of their lips to the wetness of her own core. Clarke bit Lexa's bottom lip, dragging out a deep whine, which made her grin against the brunette's lips. Clarke's hand fell from Lexa's neck and palmed her breast, which as a result made Lexa gasp. She bit back a strangled moan as she felt Clarke's fingers on her nipples. Just as Clarke wanted to move onto Lexa's neck, the brunette sighed against her lips, while she gently broke the kiss, stroking Clarke's spine.

"We're drunk," Lexa muttered and with that brought them both back to reality. Lexa leaned her head against Clarke's ear and breathed unsteadily, hoping to catch her breath, though it felt like she never could again.

"This might be going too fast," Clarke whispered in the brunette's ear, her voice trembling with the air she was sucking in, she then licked her lips and gulped. Lexa nodded against Clarke's neck, her chest still heaving heavily.

"I'm so drunk." Lexa chuckled.

"Yeah, you've said that." Clarke laughed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the lovely comments and kudos. I hope this gives you guys some relief on the slow burn.


	10. Chapter 10

**Anya** : _Merry Christmas_

Lexa stared at the text message and released a shaky breath. She blinked looking at the text again, her breath becoming erratic. A deep sense of longing encased her body, alongside a lump that was growing in the back of her throat. Her eyes were stinging, so she looked up breathing in deeply through her nose. She bit the inside of her cheek.

"Milwaukee," She whispered. She remembered driving there with Nyko to run their 'errands' once or twice. "Four hours." She considered the notion, then shook her head. It was too late, and she tried, still a quiet nagging in the back of her mind would not settle. A text was hardly an invitation, more so calling Clarke now would pain her. She couldn't imagine disrespecting the blonde. 

"Are you okay?" Monty, who had just turned around in her bed, asked.

"Yeah." She answered but then shook her head. "No."

"Is it about Clarke?" She smiled for a second thinking of the blonde but shook her head.

"Just family stuff." She drifted off looking outside. Monty stood up and sat on her bed.

"Yeah I totally get that. They don't want to see me this year." Lexa gave her a pitiful look. Before Lexa could express her regret about the situation Monty put on her pants and headed outside, probably to the bathroom. She had stopped wearing her bathrobe, most likely because it was pink and made her look girly. Lexa looked at her phone again, and her leg started bobbing.

"Fuck." She breathed. Her anxiety increased as more time passed. Not calling Clarke and asking if the offer still stood would prompt a deep sense of regret for not even trying. It would haunt her the next few days if she did not. She bit her lip, and her knee bobbed up and down restlessly.

When she called Clarke and heard the dial tone, she wasn't sure what she was hoping for, a voicemail or Clarke's voice. She wasn't certain what gave her more comfort, the fact that she suspected it to be too late or that she might see her sister in the next few days, perhaps not for Christmas, but for New Year.

 _"Lexa?"_ Clarke picked up only after two dial tones. Lexa felt relieved just by hearing the blonde's voice alone. She was in trouble.

"Hey."

_"Hey? Are you okay?"_

"Yeah - yes." Lexa, still indulging in the velvety sound of Clarke's voice, remembered why she called and quickly recovered. "Uhm hi. Yes, I'm fine."

 _"Okay? Great!"_   There was a pregnant pause before Clarke asked, _"Lex? Why are you calling?"_ There was an amusing tone to her voice. Somewhere, Clarke hoped Lexa just called her, just cause.

"Right. Uhm- I was wondering whether your Christmas offer still stood? I realize you're leaving today and have probably left and this is so totally rude, but if you haven't I wondered whether I could take you up on that offer? Unless Raven-" Shit she hadn't considered Raven in all of this. There were a few seconds of silence on the other end of the line which made Lexa regret calling Clarke in the first place.

 _"Of course, it still stands._ " The blonde said happily. " _We haven't left. We're leaving in two hours. I could pick you up? Or you could come here when you're ready. Or you could go straight to the airport-"_

"I- I'll come to your house if that's okay?"

_"Yeah, that's great! That's fine."_

"Okay. I'll see you in two hours then." Lexa breathed out sharply. What the hell was she doing? Was she even ready to see Anya? Let alone everything else? She deflated and put her phone on her nightstand, then stared ahead.

A half an hour later, she threw some clothes in an old suitcase and hoped for the best. Two hours came and went faster than Lexa had anticipated, and consequently, she was running late. By now she was running towards the bus stop with her suitcase in both arms, held like a damn baby, but she was too late. She saw thick white smoke and the bus driving away only a few miles ahead.  She slowed down and gasped loudly. She closed her eyes out of frustration. This did not happen to her

_'Great Lexa, just freaking great.'_

A tickling surge of frustrated energy swiveled around her chest, which resulted in wanting to grunt and curse Clarke for being so distracting.

"Oh yes, Clarke would like this outfit," She said mocking her previous, 30 minutes ago, self for even considering what to wear at Clarke's house, or what the blonde would like on her, in which outfit she would look the best.

"Griffin." She growled under her breath, but it felt like a whimper, and she pouted.

She looked at the schedule, and another would be here in 20 minutes. It would take her at least 20 minutes to get there, so that would make her 10 minutes late. She pursed her lips, 10 minutes was still within boundaries. It was acceptable though she hated being late. This was so embarrassing.

She got out her phone.

 **Lexa Woods** : _Hey Clarke. I will be a bit late. The bus will only be here in 20 minutes._

 **Clarke Griffin** : _Oh shit. I can still pick you up if you want?_

Lexa felt so annoyed she looked so bad right now. Fuck. She remembered the day before, sitting Clarke's car, which prompted a flutter to escape her chest. She whined to herself and texted back.

 **Lexa Woods** : _Uhm, whatever suits you better? I should've looked at the schedule earlier. I apologize._

 **Clarke Griffin** : _I'll be there in 10_.

Lexa sighed. She felt so embarrassed.

"Just shake it off." She whispered to herself. She didn't want the frustration she held for herself in this particular moment to be spewed in Clarke's direction. Costia had accused her enough times of taking out her foul mood on her. And Lexa was, in a foul mood.

"Seriously, just shake it off." Lexa groaned at herself. As if on the dot, 10 minutes later Clarke's car rolled by.

"Hey, stranger," She said opening the window. "Get in." Lexa nervously opened the door and slid in the car. She threw a quick glance at Clarke and cleared her voice.

"I'm really sorry about this." Not only was she self-conscious about messing the blonde around, first declining her offer, then taking her up on it, now this bus thing; but she was also immersed in the memory of those lips, now taking in the cute image in front of her. She was wearing a Christmas sweater. Of course.

"Don't worry about it silly. I offered in the first place. You were just too stubborn to take me up on it. It seems like the universe wanted you to get your head out of your ass." Lexa gaped at the blonde. Clarke started laughing, no she was cackling. The blonde was cackling at her, and Lexa couldn't keep the smirk from appearing on her face. She tried to hide her smile with her hand but failed, and barked out a small chuckle.

When the car started, Lexa noticed Clarke wasn't using either foot. She gawked at the blonde.

"How are you driving?"

"The steering wheel," she said pointing at two buttons on the wheel. "I only need my fingers." Clarke winked, and Lexa snorted, almost blushing remembering those fingers on her.

 _'Stop it, Lexa._ ' She couldn't allow lust to take her somewhere she wasn't ready to travel to.

When they pulled up at the house, Lexa nearly tripped over her small suitcase as she got out. She hadn't bothered putting it in the trunk. She just kept it on her lap.

_'Great, just keep on embarrassing yourself Lex.'_

Clarke on the other hand thoroughly enjoyed Lexa's clumsy side. The poised brunette she once called haughtily was now one who effortlessly shaped a smile on her face. Even more so now, watching her blush after almost falling face down in the snow and throwing Clarke a fleeting smirk over her shoulder. Clarke had a hard time not to grin, a fraction of her wanted to believe Lexa managed to be clumsy now that her guard was down. The silent, moody brunette she had met months ago, never faltered, never took a wrong step or blurted out a semi-awkward sentence. The Lexa, who was standing in front of her now, was quite the opposite. 

"Mom, we're here!" When Clarke had told her mother, she invited Lexa last minute, Abby was absurdly pleased. She immediately assumed the two were back together. Her mother was not going to let this go easily.

"I'm so excited!" Raven said storming down the stairs and hugging an unexpecting Lexa. Lexa stiffened against the embrace, but that didn't discourage Raven from tightening her grip and repeating thank you, loudly in Lexa's ear.

"You have no idea what this means. I haven't seen Finn in months."

"Are you two getting back together?" Clarke asked, suspicious of why Raven had made it a  point to be so happy.

"I don't know. I'm not that fussed, to be honest." Clarke raised an eyebrow in disbelief. "I'm serious. He's a really good friend, and I've missed  Carrot."

"Carrot is Finn's cat," Clarke explained to Lexa, who raised her eyebrows and nodded.

"In fact. I'm more excited to see the cat." Raven said cocking her neck. She then raced to the kitchen to stuff her bag with items from the fridge. Lexa knew Raven lived here, on and off, considering her home situation. She could relate to the brunette. She herself had been homeless once, kicked out and placed in homes, that was until she managed to get a scholarship to this school. Her own version of 'From Homeless to Harvard'.

"You want something to eat? My mom is still packing her toothbrush and fixing her hair. Also, I called American Airlines after I spoke to you earlier this morning and they confirmed it's fine for you to take Raven's place as long as you have proof of identification. Paranoid little shits will probably want to run a background check on you or something." The blood from Lexa's face drained. A background check? Her background wasn't so clean though that never kept her from stepping onto a plane. Then again she hadn't been on a plane since she was fourteen. But her record was supposed to be expunged after she turned 18! Neither Raven or Clarke had noticed Lexa gripping the counter tightly while she ran all the possible outcomes through her mind.

"Really Clarke? A background check?" She heard Raven in the distance question.

"Well yeah, you know how American Airlines are suspicious as fuck."

"I doubt that. "

"Whatever." She then turned to Lexa, who was still focusing on the newfound information. This time, Clarke did notice and put her hand on Lexa's elbow. Though Lexa had shifted, trying to avoid Clarke's touch, she had not managed to move in time. Lexa looked up and smiled, hoping to convey reassurance. Clarke noticed the mask, after knowing Lexa without it, it was hard to miss.

"We have to be at the airport a little earlier, so we're leaving in ten," Clarke said happily, hoping to break down the temporary wall Lexa created, but the brunette remained still and pale. The mere thought of the possible reaction the blonde would have to her past, evoked a specific anxiety. 

"Hey, you okay? You look like you're about to faint." Clarke wanted to tuck Lexa's hair behind her ear, but she heard Raven coming back into the kitchen and withdrew her touch altogether.

"I just haven't eaten." By this point, Lexa had relaxed and successfully conveyed nonchalance, and in return Clarke's gaze softened.

"Well then eat silly. You're so bad. You should've eaten breakfast." Funny how the roles reversed. It was usually Lexa who had to scold Clarke for not eating breakfast. Clarke handed Lexa a banana and a breakfast bar, alongside some yogurt.

"Here that should do it for now. We'll eat something for lunch at the airport." Lexa had brought the little amount of the money she had earned from working at the radio station. Even though it was run by students, the administration paid them well, which was nice, it gave Lexa some financial security, however, small it was.

* * *

After they had dropped Raven off at the train station, which was only 15 minutes away and a small detour, the brunette waved at them enthusiastically before she entered the train station. She looked at the time and noted she still had 15 minutes left before her train would leave.

She couldn't wait to see the boy she loved. She would tell him so, that she loved him, that this 'thing' she put them through would be over, or rather that she wanted it to be over. She would take any anger he fostered. When she first mentioned seeing other people, he had been so hurt, then from one month to the other. He seemed completely fine.

Raven believed the only way they would survive long distance was by having an open relationship or rather a polyamorous one, though she never mentioned that detail to others, It was easier just to say they weren't together, or that it was complicated, a word people recognized and accepted. She didn't want to be judged daily for the choices she made. 

Soon enough, she realized, that she couldn't do it. When Harper guided her to her room only a few days ago, she realized mid make out, that this was not what she wanted. The mere thought of Finn falling in love with someone else haunted her. She liked Harper, but she missed Finn. She remembered the hurt in Harper's eyes when she explained everything though the blonde nodded and kissed her on the cheek before she left her alone.

When Finn would call her, she would actually drop everything, which was what she was trying to fight by having an open relationship. It was enough indication, polyamory wasn't the solution for that. The books she read on polyamory, and the identification she might've felt when reading them were misguided. Theory and reality didn't mesh. Her partners weren't equal and neither Finn or her communicated enough about it.

She sighed, glancing at the clock. It was time. She smiled distantly, thinking of Finn. It was always going to be Finn.

* * *

Abby pulled up at the airport and left their car in a parking lot, designated for people who left their cars behind for the holidays. They walked to the check in.

"Good morning, ma'am, may I have your tickets please?" Abby handed all three tickets.

"We called ahead asking for an exchange," She said eyeing Lexa, and the woman stated she needed to ask her manager. After a quick phone call, she asked for identification. Lexa opened her wallet and placed her driver's license on the desk. She started typing in her details. Lexa was white as a sheet. This was the moment. She was holding her breath even though Abby eyed her curiously and even squeezed her shoulder as if to say there was nothing to worry about. She breathed out, relieved as ever when the woman passively handed her driver's license back.

"Are you carrying any baggage today?"

"Yes, we have three suitcases, and two carry- on's." Clarke helped her mother placing the suitcases on the belt while Lexa attached a tag to her knapsack, her breathing still heavy.

After they had passed all the controls and found a seat in one of the restaurants, Clarke asked her what was wrong. Her mother was standing in line for food and Clarke wanted a chance to talk to Lexa alone.

"Hey," She said looking concerned and lacing their fingers together.

"Sorry," Lexa smiled tightly. This wasn't easy for her.

"Don't apologize. Tell me what's going on, maybe I can help." Clarke scooted closer and looked into her eyes closely. Neither of them had mentioned the kiss since it happened. They were drunk, and even though it was on Clarke's mind, she couldn't be sure it was on Lexa's. The thought of being rejected pushed her to ignore the tug that was telling her to kiss the brunette again and again. Looking this closely into those greens, Clarke couldn't help but glance at her lips, and lick her own subconsciously.

"I haven't been on a plane since I was 14," Lexa stated hoping to brush off her attitude as jitters. She wasn't afraid of flying, she actually quite enjoyed it, but she needed an excuse for her behavior. Lexa sighed deeply.

"Ah, I see. Well, tell me what I can do?"

"Nothing." Lexa shrugged, but Clarke pursed her lips.

"Well, that's not very helpful."

"I didn't realize I had to be helpful in your plight to be helpful." Clarke snorted and shook her head. She reached out and wrapped her arms around the brunette tightly while rubbing circles on her back. Lexa smiled lightly, breathing in Clarke's scent and rest her head on Clarke's shoulder.

"How about this?" Lexa chuckled. That would always help.

"Yeah, maybe," She whispered and then smirked. "Or maybe this is your excuse to cop a feel." Clarke scoffed playfully and broke the contact. Lexa nearly whined at the loss of the warm embrace.

"You're such an ass," Clarke said playfully.

"Right back at you."

"I see you've regained your charm." Lexa sniggered, but then adjusted her posture when Abby came back with their fries. She looked between the two girls and smiled. Even though Abby had had her reservations about Lexa in the past, she couldn't deny the change in Clarke's mood. Clarke wasn't so fired up all the time. She appeared calmer.

"We're at gate 9B. Eat your fries. We only have a half an hour till boarding." Clarke glanced at Lexa playfully and even threw a fry at the brunette. She scolded the blonde silently, both ignoring Abby.

An hour later they were on board, and the plane was departing. They had allowed Clarke to board earlier, because of her sprained foot. She was happy to be joined by Lexa and her mother some time later. When the plane started gaining speed, Clarke, with great panic, seized Lexa's hand and closed her eyes. Lexa threw her a curious a look.

"Maybe I have a fear of flying too," she whispered.

"I never said I did. I merely said I was slightly nervous." Lexa smirked.

"Can you just shut up and hold my hand?" Clarke snapped, and Lexa nodded playfully. The plane was an intercity hopper and divided into two rows of two seats. This meant that Abby had to sit behind them, thankfully, not witnessing any more banter between the two.

* * *

Abby pulled up with their rental, at her parents' house, after having landed in Milwaukee about an hour before. She sighed and looked forward, making both Clarke and Lexa wonder why she had bothered to stop a few feet from the house, around the corner.

She looked behind her and pursed her lips.

"What is it, mom?" She looked down and sighed.

"Look, your grandparents are traditional people Clarke. I'm not going to stop you, but I am asking whether maybe you could keep this low key. If you want to come out that's fine, just don't rub it in their faces." She said glancing at Lexa.

Clarke glanced at Lexa and understood her mother's struggle. Her grandparents would probably blame her mother and throw digs at her, not to mention what they would put Lexa through, would they say they were a couple. They weren't though. They weren't even faking it anymore.

"Mom, Lexa and I aren't together anymore." Abby tipped her head to the left.

"You can hardly expect me to believe that."

"It's the truth."

"So why is she here then?" Clarke didn't have an answer. How would she even begin to explain this to her mother?

"Look, whatever is going on between the two of you, whether or not things are complicated, I know the nature of your relationship. You're not just friends. I mean even more so now, I can see it." Lexa blushed and looked downwards.

"We won't say anything, mom. Lexa and I really are just friends so that I wouldn't be lying. Don't worry."

"Okay, Clarke." She started up the rental and drove onto the driveway. Both of Clarke's grandparents came out to greet them. Clarke's grandfather, Henry, shooed them away from their own bags and insisted on carrying them all inside.

Alongside her grandparents their dog, Pincus, strode out. He was a big Irish Wolfhound, which made Lexa's eyes widen. She wasn't frightened. She owned many dogs as a child when her parents were still alive, in fact, it made her feel more at ease, knowing she could make friends with this big Grey if making friends with Clarke's family didn't work out. Dogs were a nice distraction from awkward conversations.

 Clarke's grandmother fussed over her when she saw the crutches, she put her hand on her granddaughter's back and helped her inside.

"And who is this?"

"Grandpa, this is Lexa. She's a friend from school."

"Nice to meet you." He said holding out his hand. Lexa awkwardly took it, then gave him a tight smile. Once inside, Poppy, Clarke's grandmother questioned whether her family-minded that she celebrated Christmas with them.

"My parents passed away many years ago, Mrs. Griffin." Poppy's eyes, holding none other than suspicion before, now held some softness in them.

"I am sorry, dear."

"That's alright." Lexa swallowed hard.

"How about I show Lexa the guestroom? We can settle in and then come downstairs in an hour?" Clarke suggested and Henry, while putting his arm around his wife, smiled and nodded.

"Good idea sport." Clarke breathed out, relieved. She bobbed her head, beckoning Lexa to follow her lead. Lexa took both hers and Clarke's bag pack and swung them around her shoulder, earning a sweet smile from Clarke. Their suitcases, already upstairs, waited for them as reached the second floor. After reaching the guestroom and propping down the bags on the bed, she went back into the hallway to collect their suitcases.

Clarke closed the door behind Lexa and sighed against it.

"They're a bit intense. You'll warm up to them. I promise they're not as bad as they seem. "

"They seem lovely, Clarke." Clarke looked surprised and smiled at the brunette. She then shifted her gaze to the bed. It was a queen sized bed.

"I'm sorry about the bed. I was supposed to be sharing with Raven, and I've been used to sleeping in the same bed with her since I was six. Our parents were friends." she clarified. Lexa smirked, hoping to lighten the mood and Clarke's obvious anxiety.

"It's great. Just don't get any ideas, Griffin." She said teasingly while she bit her lip.

"Maybe I should be worried. "

"You wish." Clarke's demeanor became more serious when Lexa husked out the words. Perhaps she did.

"Do you think your grandparents would mind if I take a shower before we return downstairs?"

"No. I think that's the point. My other relatives will arrive in a few hours, so best to freshen up.  The guestroom has a private bathroom." Lexa looked at the door that connected both rooms. "I'll shower after you."

"Oh I don't mind, you can shower first."

"If I wanted to shower first I would shower first Woods." Clarke said playfully, then added "I'll go get a snack, you go ahead. I'll see you when you get out."

* * *

When Lexa stepped out of the shower about twenty minutes later, she looked at the towel rack, which was empty.

"Shit." She cursed under her breath and dug her toes into the soft mat beneath her. She considered waiting until she air dried, but the shiver running down her spine told her otherwise. She screwed her eyes shut and groaned silently.

She knocked on the bathroom door and tightened her jaw, feeling self-conscious and embarrassed. "Clarke?" She was hoping the blonde was still in the room.

"Yes?" She heard Clarke ask suspiciously, the mere sound of her voice impelling relief.

"Uhm, there are no towels here." She heard some movement in the other room. She waited for a response, but none came. "Clarke?" The blonde didn't answer. Consequently, Lexa sighed, feeling frustrated and kind of stupid. She had brought a small towel with her. She could use that and then let it dry. The towelette was in her suitcase, though, which laid on the bed. And she was naked, a reality which made her growl even more. She was starting to get icy now. She considered going back into the shower, but she couldn't shower forever. She waited a few more minutes then looked around the bathroom and looked at the sweater she was wearing.

"Clarke?" She attempted again but nothing. She was going to make the blonde pay for this later were she just playing with her. She put on the sweater, hoping the water wouldn't dampen it too much and unlocked the door. Thankfully the sweater was long enough, so if Clarke were to be waiting for her outside for whatever reason Lexa couldn't imagine, she would still be covered. Well, barely covered.

She carefully tipped out and pulled her sweater down with one hand. She quickly tried to open her suitcase. She squeaked when she heard the door open and did not manage to open the suitcase with one hand.

"Lexa?" Clarke questioned, holding two towels under her arm while eyeing the brunette. By now Clarke started using one crutch, as she could manage to get around with the air cast walker on her foot, but she was still slow. She hadn't anticipated it taking that long but assumed Lexa would wait.

"I-I'm, you-Clarke!" Lexa thundered with an accusing tone. Clarke diverted her gaze quickly and felt her ears burn.

"I'm sorry. I didn't think you would-" Before Clarke could finish her sentence Lexa had leaped into the bathroom with her suitcase and slammed the door shut, followed by Clarke's exasperated breathing.

"Lexa..." Clarke said behind the door while she let her hand trail on the wooden surface. Her tone was regretful and tender.

"I'll be out. I have a little towel in here." She muttered.

"Don't be silly. I have a towel right here. I'm sorry it took so long, this crutch kind of slows me down." Clarke waited and the lock turned again, this time only a bare arm peeked through the crack.  Clarke had a hard time not laughing while watching endearingly how the brunette grasped the fluffy towel and shut the door loudly.  Water drops coated the wooden floor and stained the carpet beside the bed. She looked at the dots amusingly, if for no other reason than knowing that Lexa was the one who left them there.

Lexa finally came out, now fully dressed. Her hair was damp, which defined her curls more. She did not often see the brunette's hair freed from her distinctive braid. Some droplets still resided on Lexa's neck, a welcome distraction. She was squeezing her hair in the small towel she brought, then placed it on her shoulder. She wore an oversized knitted sweater, warm and inviting. Looking at the particular sweater, she remembered digging her fingers into it, that day at the pool. That was probably the moment she fell in love with her, watching her from afar first, looking much like she did today, and then feeling her protective arms around her when Bellamy approached them. How had she been so dense this whole time? How had she not noticed this when she first met her? Things could've been different, had she not been so quick to judge.

"Shower's free," Lexa said shyly, her suitcase in one hand and the towel in the other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol don't know how I feel about this chapter. Oh well. Thank you for all the kudos and comments I received, including on my Tumblr? I'm not sure who it was obviously and how you got there but thanks anyways ^^  
> Next update, Wednesday
> 
> After that it might slow down to just once a week guys.


	11. Chapter 11

When Octavia found Raven at her door 3 hours before Christmas Eve dinner, she was surprised. Her mouth fell open, and she worried why the brunette stood at her doorstep.

"Rae?"

"Hey." Her voice was hoarse. She was supposed to be spending Christmas with Finn. She even got him a present. She grabbed Raven's arm and dragged her inside.

"Are you okay?" She immediately asked knowing something was wrong. As much as Raven liked to deny her commitment to Finn, Octavia knew how Raven truly felt. The techie shook her head and confirmed Octavia's suspicions.

"Okay. Come on. Let's get you warm." When they entered the living room, Bellamy stood up and smiled after first being astounded.

"What's up?" He smiled widely and hugged her tightly.

"Turns out Washington ain't all that." She said, and both saw the pain that translated to her face.

"Finn-" Octavia whispered carefully.

"It's over." This time, a single tear escaped her eye, but she swiftly wiped it away so no evidence of her pain could ever be found.

"Can we do anything?" Bellamy asked.

"Unless you can make those blueberry pancakes with white chocolate chips, no." Raven chuckled and in return Bellamy beamed.

"Done." He disappeared into the kitchen, and before Raven could follow him, Octavia held on to her.

"Rae-"

"I'm fine O."

"You're not."

"Yes, I am. Well, I'm hungry, but that's about to be fixed." She smirked even though Octavia knew better. She could see it in her eyes. She nodded, however. Raven would come to her in time, usually intoxicated. Whiskey was her favorite or as a result of an argument. Raven had a temper. She let her passion guide her actions. Everyone always assumed how strong she was as a result of her own defense mechanism. In truth, she was one of the most significantly sensitive people she knew. She simply downplayed and dismissed whatever she was feeling by using humor, much like she was now.

"One stack of blueberry pancakes for my lady," Bellamy grinned as he started mixing the ingredients and Raven sat down at the counter. He started pouring the batter into the pan and then flipped it a few times, then stacked the pancakes on the plate one by one.

The minute he put the plate in front of the brunette, she attacked it.

"Damn. Do you eat pussy that way?" Raven widened her eyes and punched him in the arm, much harder than he had anticipated. "I was joking. Honestly." He started laughing and clasped his hand around his arm.

"You deserved that." Octavia sloped her eyes.

"He deserved what?" Octavia's father, Elias Blake asked as he came in with snow on his coat.

"Dad! You're a day early?" Octavia said smiling widely and he nodded. "Merry Christmas." She said hugging her father. He was an engineer who traveled abroad five months of the year, so when he did make it home, he made sure to make it special.

"Where's your mother?" He asked eagerly. If anything was the example of a perfect marriage, it was their relationship.

"Thanks, dad, I'm here too," Bellamy said, then hugged his father tightly. He chuckled and patted his back. He then eyed the brunette gorging down a stack of pancakes.

"Raven I assume?" He said kissing both of her pancake stuffed cheeks. He surprised Raven, which made Octavia chuckle.

"He's French remember?" Raven nodded and continued her attack on the plate in front of her.

"So may I be excused? I'm betting your mother is working in the garage?" Octavia grinned and nodded. He quickly kissed his daughter's cheek and jogged through the house. He made his way to the garage and watched Aurora a little.

He smiled and felt excited. Just as she was cooling some glass in the water, she put down the blowpipe, and carefully took off her gloves, to observe her creation.

Before she started the whole process again, he stepped forward carefully and wrapped his arms around her, letting his hands wrap around her waist, startling her with his embrace. She grinned and hurriedly turned around so she could kiss him passionately. She breathed in deeply, and his breath hitched.

"God I missed you," He whispered against her lips which made her smile. She wrapped her arms tighter around his neck and started laughing.

"I thought you were coming in tomorrow?!"

"I lied." He said smugly, and she lightly slapped his chest.

"I hate you."

"Not as much as I hate you." She lunged forward and kissed his lips again, trying to imprint the feeling of his beard in contrast to the soft flesh, on her lips. He hugged her tightly when she came up for air and admired her work as she rested her head in the crook of his neck.

"You saw the kids?" She said after opening her eyes. She did not know how much time had passed; it always seemed to pass so quick in his embrace.

"Yeah and Raven."

"Raven? I thought she was spending Christmas with her boyfriend." She said putting her gloves back on. He leaned against the table and watched her. She started her process again. Blowing glass, and creating was her favorite pastime. Watching her, was his favorite pastime.

"Well, she's here." She gave him a pointed look.

"And of course, I was not informed."

"Rors, I'm sure they didn't know." She huffed a little which made him laugh. "Baby, there's enough food and room for everyone."

"It's just a little rude." She puffed but tried not to smile when he started tracing sweet kisses on her shoulder after she finished the second piece of glass. Even though she could not feel his lips on her flesh, the affection made her sigh and relax instantly.

"Octavia has told me about her. The girl's got no family to spend it with, besides she was supposed to be back at ours for New Year's." She eyed him and tried not to smirk to indicate he had won her over without much effort. She tried to pout and glower, but he had distinguished the familiar expression on his wife's face and grinned.

"I love you." He said as he kissed her cheek.

"I thought you hated me?" She said playfully.

"Potato, potato." He smirked and slapped her ass before leaving her to her glasswork. "I'll see you in there? I'll start on dinner."

* * *

 **Nyko** : _I could pick you up a few days before New Year's?_

When Lexa heard the door open, she pushed her cell phone under the covers, hoping to convey casualness.

"Good shower?" Lexa asked when Clarke came out, or rather hopped out of the bathroom, mirroring the wet hair Lexa was sporting as well.

"Yeah. I see you've eaten all my snacks." Lexa blushed and looked at the empty plate. She had not meant to eat all of it, but she wasn't looking. She was watching Hannah Hart and ended up eating snack after snack. Then she felt an empty plate beneath her nails, and the food was gone. She had been really hungry.

"I'm sorry. I got distracted, and then I started-"

"Relax, I'm happy you ate." Clarke sat down next to her and bumped her shoulder against Lexa's.

Meanwhile, downstairs Abby was helping Poppy with her appetizers.

"So the girl. I thought you were bringing Raven?"

"I was, but she wanted to spend time with her boyfriend Finn and Clarke suggested Lexa take Raven's ticket as she was spending Christmas on her own."

"Well, I understand how she got here, but you could've just asked for a refund."

"Mom." Abby sighed.

"We don't know this girl."

"Clarke does," Abby stated trying to defend Clarke. Truth be told, she thought Lexa had a good influence on Clarke. She was less moody and certainly less angry, whenever Lexa was around. Her snarky demeanor turned calm within her presence, which was something Abby admired. With a few simple strokes, the brunette managed to absorb every ounce of anxiety her daughter held onto.

"I suppose. I'm only worried, Abby." No, she wasn't. She was a middle-class snob, as Abby was. The only difference was that Poppy was more obvious.

"How is everything going?" She knew her mother was asking about Jake though she did not wish to speak about him, not that her mother cared about what she wanted. The subject was sore, and her mother knew so, Abby could barely look at Clarke without seeing Jake for God's sakes!

"Everything is great mom."

"Have you met anyone? What about this Kane bloke?"

"He's nice." Abby genuinely smiled. "I haven't said anything to Clarke though. I don't think she's ready."

"She's not ready, or you aren't?" Poppy noted, but Abby shrugged.

"Can we change the subject?" Poppy shrugged and placed down the plates. While Abby eyed her mother preparing more food, including the cookies she took out of the oven she approached the stairwell and yelled for Clarke to come down.

Christmas was supposed to be celebrated together, even if Clarke would sit in front of the TV and play Wii all day, she wanted her present and in the same room. Her cousins would arrive soon.

Meanwhile, Clarke made her way downstairs with the help of Lexa, given she did not wish to use those crutches all the time. The air cast was making it particularly easy to move around, even if it had only been a week since her accident.

As usual, her mother would help her grandmother in the kitchen, and her grandfather would be arranging and preparing their horses for later that night. The thought alone incited a low burning excitement within Clarke.

She swiftly beckoned Lexa, who eyed her suspiciously, towards the TV. She turned on the Wii, which was the only piece of technology owned by her grandparents, besides the phone and the TV that was, and was only allowed to remain on the premises given her cousins would visit their grandparents more often. They were younger and so her grandparents indulged them.

She switched on Mario Kart and gave Lexa a controller.

"I hope you know how to play." Lexa gave her a smug look. Of course, she knew how to play. Lincoln was one of the few that managed to beat her.

"Let's play, Clarke." She said engulfing the consonants of her name. Clarke smirked and momentarily got up to retrieve some cookies her grandmother had placed on the coffee table, next to the arm chair.

"Game on Woods."

Lexa smirked and looked at the TV. After each choosing, a character to race with the first race started. Quite swiftly Lexa took the lead and when Clarke tried to pass her, the brunette nudged her and sent her diving into the void. Clarke gaped at her.

"I can't believe you did that? You killed me!" Lexa started chuckling as she was still racing on. A few seconds later Clarke's character appeared, and was back into the game.

"You just wait." She grumbled, only to be nudged into the void again. "Lexa!" She shrieked. She could not believe the brunette. "You're not playing fair." Clarke pouted, and Lexa was giggling wholeheartedly.

"Awh honey." She cooed, but Clarke shoved her playfully.

Rematch after rematch Clarke kept losing, to a point she huffed and stood up an hour later, walking or rather limping towards the kitchen.

"Clarke." Lexa chuckled trying to lure her back, but the blonde growled. She was a sore loser. She entered the kitchen and started pushing freshly baked cookies down her throat, so many crumbs started falling out of her mouth.

"Clarke," Lexa murmured, peeking around the corner, but the blonde still had a scowl on her face. She looked like a soft kitten, who kept growling and scratching while having a temper tantrum.

"You don't play fair." Lexa barely understood Clarke's words due to the fully stuffed cookie mouth she was rocking. She smiled softly and brushed some crumbs off Clarke's cheek, and in return the blonde closed her eyes at the unexpected proximity. She munched further and eventually managed to swallow the big ball of dough that had formed in her mouth, but not without wincing when the food passed through her throat.

"If I promise to stop killing you, will you come back?" Clarke pouted, and Lexa wanted to kiss her so badly at this moment, a notion that worried her but she ignored. Things were fine, things weren't going too fast, even if she wanted and would kiss Clarke. Clarke started playing with Lexa's sweater as she had done so many times before, digging her fingers deeply into the fabric, a motion that gave the blonde ample comfort. By now, Lexa's hand fell to Clarke's waist, but before they were tempted to blur the lines once more, Clarke's grandmother, now standing in the doorway of the kitchen, cleared her throat.

"Clarke. Did you eat all those cookies?" The blonde blushed and started digging her fingers deeper into Lexa's sweater, almost stretching the material, though the brunette indulged her, allowing her to ruin what was perhaps one of her favorite sweaters. Before she could answer Abby entered the kitchen and eyed the couple suspiciously, this gave Clarke enough incentive to release Lexa, or rather Lexa's sweater and shuffle around awkwardly.

"I did." She said carefully. Before her grandmother could scold her, the doorbell rang.

"Saved by the bell," Poppy said disapprovingly, but still, a glint of amusement colored her eyes. By now the rest of her family had arrived. Her two cousins, twins, entered the living room, alongside their parents.

"Abby!" Eric, Jake's brother, said to Abby while he enveloped her in a tight hug. It had become a tradition for them to spend Christmas Eve with Abby's family rather than their own and then move over to their own family on Christmas day. Abby, not being able to face Jake's parents after what happened had stopped going, and Clarke followed her lead, never really feeling close to that side of the family, except for her uncle of course.

"Uncle Eric," Clarke smiled deeply when she jumped into his arms wand he just about swung her around.

"What happened?" He questioned, feeling the extra weight, but Clarke brushed off the question rather quickly. By now she had started saying hello to everyone, including her aunt, Monique. When Clarke hugged both of her younger cousins, she tangled her hands in their frizzy black hair and breathed in, while smiling widely.

Unfortunately, though, no one had introduced Lexa, which left the brunette sidelined and feeling awkward. Abby cleared her voice and glared at Clarke, who presently was mortified by her own impolite behavior.

"Oh God." She widened her eyes and hastily introduced her friend, "Guys, this is Lexa. She's a really good friend from school, and she's spending Christmas with us." Clarke beamed, and Lexa nodded politely. They shook hands. Monique gave her a hug and the twins just waved from afar, being too intimidated to approach the brunette.

"You're playing Mario Kart?" Micah squealed, while he sat down alongside his brother. Lexa smirked looking at Clarke.

"Don't you dare! They're 12 years old." She whispered that last sentence and Lexa chuckled.

"One is never too young to learn," She smirked devilishly. Clarke widened her eyes.

"Lexa. No." Lexa laughed and just wanted to wrap her arms around Clarke. Despite Anya being the last push she needed to take Clarke up on her offer, she was so happy she to be here, here with Clarke. So much, she found herself not wanting to leave her, not even for a few days. A thought which resonated with her and petrified her. She swiftly pushed it away and sat down next to the twins, her attitude becoming grimmer with each race, and her demeanor more distant.

* * *

"Elias this is amazing." Aurora said tasting the sauce. He looked at her and smiled;

"Yes, it is."

"Cocky."

"Eager." She slanted her eyes and pushed her index finger against her lips. She smirked in the direction of the living room where their kids were watching TV.

"How long for the chicken?" He asked and watched his wife stir the chicken curry stew.

"Not long. Just a half an hour and then everything will be ready." She said resting the spoon against the pot and turning around. She glanced at the living room and made sure the kids were still occupied. Octavia and Bellamy would be engrossed if they caught their parents being anything but platonic.

Elias quirked an eyebrow when he noticed the seductive approach of his wife. He quickly caught on, especially when she straddled him, mirth in her eyes and a smirk on her lips.

"How is that after 27 years, I'm still head over heels in love with you?" He muttered, his eyes not leaving hers. Her lips unfolded when she eyed him attentively.

"I have no idea. You'd think we'd hate each other after that horrible excuse of a one night stand." She feigned apathy.

"Whatever persuaded you to come back?" He asked playfully and skimmed his hands over her thighs.

"You mean besides the five pregnancy tests in my purse?" He laughed, squeezing her butt as she leaned in more.

"A blessing in disguise," He said kissing her, and smiling against her lips.

"Tell that to my stretch marks." She chuckled.

 "I loved you from the moment I saw you." He muttered against her lips, and she laughed.

"You were also very drunk." She looked him in the eyes. "I missed you so much." She said digging her fingers into his gray hair.

"Ew, mom," Octavia muttered, and Aurora rolled her eyes, frustrated at herself for not hearing her daughter's footsteps. "Get a room."

"We have one." Elias joked but received a small scowl and shove from Aurora.

"Ew, no. My eyes, my ears." She said screwing her eyes shut and putting her hands on her ears. She shuddered and even dry heaved.

"Stop it, Octavia." Her mother scolded her. "Dinner is almost ready, so come get the plates."

Octavia abided her mother's request and started filling the plates with all kinds of stuff, then about 20 minutes later she managed to fill bowls with the chicken curry. Together they sat on the couch or the ground and enjoyed their own version of Christmas dinner. Aurora and Elias Blake had shared a life where they weren't together often. Having missed each other so much during their lifetime, Christmas became a promise of being together rather than gifts or fancy dinners. They usually ended up watching basketball games while eating on the couch.

Raven, personally, loved the old Christmas dinners she would have at her parents' house, with a big Christmas tree, lots of food and people. This intimate version was not something she was used to and in a way reminded her of the loss she had endured, but she was touched by the love the Blakes shared.

"Merry Christmas everyone." Elias muttered.

"Christmas is tomorrow, or in like 3 hours." Octavia objected which made both her parents laugh. 

Aurora nodded and leaned into Elias. She nudged his arm so he would wrap it around her. Then she sighed as she leaned into his warmth.

"You guys make me sick." Bellamy joked, and his dad shoved his knee playfully.

"Okay, guys I have something to share. It's nearly midnight, or 3 hours away as Octavia has pointed out so elegantly," She quirked an eyebrow at her father, then he continued "And I know we usually don't do gifts for Christmas, but I've brought something with me from The Netherlands."

"Is it weed dad? It's weed, isn't it? And here I thought you didn't condone drugs."

"Bellamy Blake if you ever touch weed I will make you regret it." His mother threatened which made everyone laugh.

"Son. I love you but be quiet." Octavia snorted, and Bellamy on his end chuckled. He was quite tipsy as well.

"It's actually more of an announcement or something they've allowed me to have." Aurora perked up and frowned at her husband. Elias smiled but seemed nervous.

"Did you get fired?" Bellamy asked interrupting him again.

"Have you that little faith in me? No, I didn't get fired son. If you keep pushing for what you want, you'll get it. It's like with your mother if I hadn't insisted on us, we wouldn't be here." He winked at Aurora and she rolled her eyes. He scratched the back of his neck and continued. "I'm just- I'm getting old." He laughed. "And they told me that if I wanted to stay in the states and cease my traveling, that would be an option. So, yeah that's my gift I guess. I'll stay. I'll stay here with you guys." Octavia mirrored her mother's skeptic expression but eventually Aurora started smiling.

"Okay?" She said laughing and stood up to hug him.

* * *

"That was lovely Poppy." Henry stated after having dessert later that night, he then stood up and added "It's almost midnight. Let's all get ready."

Both the twins started squealing and running through the house, obviously upsetting both their parents' and Poppy's ears. Clarke chuckled and beckoned Lexa to follow her upstairs.

When she entered the guest room, she noticed Clarke going through her luggage. She rested her shoulders against the doorframe and crossed her arms.

"Want to tell me what's going on Griffin?"

"I hope you brought warm shoes," Clarke smirked.

"I have my boots. Why?" Lexa was suspicious by now.

"Horse riding. My grandparents own a few animals, horses included. It's a Christmas tradition to go on a horse ride at Midnight, just in time for Christmas."

"Horse ride?!" Lexa was officially panicked. She grew up in the city and hadn't even met a horse let alone rode one. Maybe she didn't have to ride it. "Are you up for that?" She said glancing at Clarke's foot.

"I've been horse riding since I was little. I know my horse, she'll listen to my voice. And, I've bought these socks to put around my splint." She said smiling widely. She glanced at the brunette and asked "Are you okay? You should get changed."

"I'm coming too?"

"Of course. What did you think? We would just leave you here alone?" Clarke laughed, and Lexa flashed her a tight smile.

"Right." the brunette didn't remember the last time she was so nervous. She wanted to throw up. She went through her suitcase and realized she didn't pack thick socks. She was too mortified to ask Clarke for anything, so she just started putting on several light socks, one layer over the other. Next thing she did was take off her knitted sweater and pull on a lighter sweater to wear under said knitted sweater.

"I mean unless you don't want to." Clarke said awkwardly but Lexa shook her head. It happened before she could control her movements. She could've just said, ' _Yes, Clarke I would prefer staying here as I do not know how to ride a horse.'_ But no, here she was shaking her head and even telling Clarke it was fine. What was she doing?

"Don't worry, the horses are really gentle, we've had plenty of inexperienced riders on them."

She didn't bring a hat or a beanie or anything so her hair would have to do. Thankfully she had a scarf, a light one, but it was still something.

"Have you got everything? "Not wanting to bother Clarke for any piece of clothing she didn't have or own, she reluctantly nodded. When Clarke smiled at her and went back down stairs, Lexa truly let herself have a little freakout. She was pacing around the room, dreading it all. She tried calming her breathing and descended the stairs where they all wrapped themselves in warm coats and hats.

"Ready?" Abby asked. They all walked outside towards the stables who were on a different piece of property they owned up the road. Clarke, after settling herself on a sled, was being pulled by her two younger cousins, who appeared to adore the ground she walked on or rather hopped on these days. It was hardly surprising she wouldn't walk in the snow with her splint though she seemed to be enjoying this a bit too much. She looked quite adorable though with her wide smile and her delicate fingers wrapped around the front of the sled as both of her cousins grunted and slipped while dragging her forward.

 When they reached the stables, the neighbors' son was outside. He worked as their stable boy from time to time and they had asked him if he was willing to work Christmas eve. His family wasn't Christian and didn't celebrate Christmas, so he didn't mind as much.

The horses were already equipped with everything and ready to ride.

"Marlena!" Clarke said sounding excited as she approached the tall white horse, slowly. The horse sniffed at Clarke's air cast and even started nibbling on the ends.

"Hey!" Clarke squealed which made Lexa chuckle. The chuckle, however, died down rather quickly, when Lexa was left with a brown horse and her heart started beating faster against her chest. Everyone was looking at her which only made it worse. She approached the horse carefully but just as she did Morgan, the horse, shivered and she took a paced step back. Clarke noticed the fright in Lexa's eyes and told her family to go ahead. She then handed Cole her crutch and asked him to put it in the stable.

Poppy, not having met anyone who couldn't ride or was afraid of horses, nearly made a snide remark of bringing someone like that for Christmas, but Abby silenced her with a stern look, which Clarke was grateful for. 

"We'll wait for you at the stop sweetie." Henry yelled right before they started walking through the brightly lit forest. It wasn't just a tradition owned by Clarke's family, it was a tradition that locals had kept up for centuries. It was a close community, and they supported each other by lending animals or sleighs.

Clarke approached Lexa, who was still eyeing Morgan as if the horse was a cliff she had to jump off of.

"What's up?"

"I don't want to do this." Lexa just barely whispered, finally speaking the truth. Clarke put a hand on her shoulder and made the brunette face her.

"Are you afraid of horses? I'm sorry I didn't actually ask you whether you knew how to ride or liked horses before."

"It's fine." Lexa said, still on edge as she watched the tall horse in front of her.

"You don't have to do anything you don't want to do, but I could help. If I tell you to tell how to do everything, would that change your mind?" Lexa nodded slowly.

"Maybe."

"Okay," Clarke smiled and held onto Lexa's hand. "This is Morgan. He's actually really nice." She stated and pulled Lexa towards the muzzle of the horse, carefully, being mindful of Lexa's demeanor. "You can pet him. It's alright." Lexa reached out and squeezed her eyes shut. Her hand was hovering over the muzzle when Clarke placed her hand on top of Lexa's and pushed it onto the muzzle carefully and hoping she wouldn't push the brunette too much.  She swallowed when her hand grazed over the horse's skin. It was soft, and the pressure of Clarke's fingers against hers made it better, but she couldn't bear it. She withdrew it quite quickly and shook her head. She hated being like this. She was ruining Clarke's Christmas. She never cared that much for Christmas, so there was nothing to ruin for herself, but this was Clarke.

"I'm sorry Clarke, just go without me. I'll wait outside your house-"

"We'll walk."

"Clarke, you can hardly walk! You're not doing that. And on top of that, they're waiting for you. I'm ruining everything. And I can't even ride this- beast. I mean-" Clarke had to keep herself from chuckling at the Lexa's choice of words. Lexa started looking at the horse and tempted to pet it again, this time, a little less frightened, but she couldn't imagine getting comfortable fast enough to ride, and catch up on Clarke's family.

She petted him again and then shook her head. "I can't ride him, Clarke." She said anxiously.

"Ride with me, instead, then. The saddle is big enough. You won't have to do anything." Clarke stated and Lexa looked at Clarke's white mare hesitantly.

"How do I even get up there and won't it hurt your foot?" Clarke looked at Cole, the stable boy, and asked him where the steps were she used when she was a little girl. He didn't respond. He went inside the stables.

"My foot will be fine. They told me to be careful, sharing a horse is not exactly taking a risk." Cole came back from the stable and presented the steps to Clarke. Clarke might've been overcompensating after what happened at the hospital. She wanted to show Lexa, that she was important to her. That dance and her ambitions weren't everything, even if that meant taking a risk on that damn foot when she probably wouldn't have a week ago.

"Thanks, Cole. I would've gone and got it." She muttered smiling at him.

"Nah, I've got nothing to do, and I like doing this."

"Okay, well thanks." She beamed. She then collected Marlena and guided her next to the steps.

"There. Now you just have to swing your leg over Marlena." Lexa froze. Even sitting on the horse alone for a few seconds was too daunting. Simply by her expression Clarke chuckled and guided Marlena away from the steps, and earning a confused glance from Lexa. She mounted Marlena, using her right foot and pulled on the reigns so she would step next to the steps again.

"Come on Lex, I got you." She said holding out her hand. Lexa took Clarke's hand and breathed out, creating a nervous cloud of smoke in front of her. She swung, or rather placed her leg awkwardly over the horse and sat in front of Clarke. She gripped the horn tightly. Clarke wrapped her arms around her and reached for the reigns. Clark wasn't going to lie and say the additional weight on her foot and the awkward position it was in wasn't comfortable, but she wanted to do this.

"There. Are you okay?" The brunette felt relieved when she felt Clarke's front pressed against her back. She just had to sit and do nothing. The horn though pressed against her center,  which was slightly uncomfortable and possibly arousing.

Clarke leaned backward a little, to give the brunette more breathing space. Clarke clucked her tongue and kicked her heel. The horse started walking and Lexa gripped the horn even tighter which made Clarke laugh.

"This isn't funny!" She said still feeling the panic rush through her veins.

"I'm sorry. Don't worry I won't let you fall, city girl." Clarke husked in her ear while she put both reigns in one hand and wrapped the other around Lexa's waist.

The minute she felt Clarke's tight embrace around her, her grasp on the horn eased and she finally looked around, instead of looking at horse beneath her. It was a small pathway full of people, mostly on horses. Some had sleighs pulled by horses.

"It's like I've walked in on a 50's movie set." Lexa muttered.

"Welcome to a small town, upper-middle-class." Clarke commented but Lexa was distracted by the trees which were lit, each individually, by Christmas lights. Some in different colors. Amongst the crowd, there were people holding lanterns.

"Lanterns?" She questioned when she noticed the first one. Clarke shrugged.

"It's an old tradition. It's an old town and the people here love their traditions."

"Yeah I can tell." Lexa muttered but still in awe of it all. This must've cost the community a fortune every year.

"It's beautiful, though." Clarke whispered in her ear and Lexa felt a shiver run down her spine.

"Yeah." She breathed tightly. Shortly after they had reached the first checkpoint, Clarke spotted her family. It was a field filled with people who were handing out mulled wine and gingerbread. Abby had seen the two arrive on one horse and rolled her eyes.

_'We really are just friends mom. Right.'_

She asked not to be too obvious. Seriously! They might as well had a sign. Luckily it wouldn't even cross Poppy's mind that they were together, a certainty which gave Abby some solace.

Lexa just realized she would have to dismount the horse and started breathing heavily again.

"Don't worry, they've waited here for a while, we won't dismount. Besides, I don't think my foot would be too happy about dismounting either." Clarke stated, tightening the grip on Lexa's waist as if she had known just by the hitch in Lexa's breath, what the brunette was fearing. By now it had started snowing lightly, Lexa's curls intensified and caught the snowflakes.

"Hey, mom, ready?"

"Don't you want some mulled wine and cake?"

"No, that's okay. You've waited long enough and I don't think I'm up for it." She stated swinging her injured foot a little. 

"You heard the girl Abby, let's go," Henry said gorging down his last piece of fruit cake. They all mounted their horses and rode down the path.

"Once we're passed the bridge, it'll be another 15 minutes, and we'll be done," Clarke said after a half an hour of riding. By now Lexa had started shivering and turned frigid. Clarke tried to share as much of her warmth as she could, but there was only so much she could do. She had felt the girl shivering, and if Lexa had not been so frightened by the whole concept of horse riding, she would have galloped to the finish, taking a different road, used by the younger crowd that enjoyed galloping instead of riding slowly next to their elders.

Once at the bridge, as expected her parents and grandparents halted and watched the frozen landscape. The snow and ice shimmered in the light created by the lanterns and the fire pits which surrounded the lake. For Lexa, the landscape transformed in a painting of golden sparkles. She always found the glistening personality of snow one of the few enjoyable things Winter offered. She sighed and before she realized what she was doing she relaxed into Clarke's embrace and leaned into the blonde's front, allowing Clarke's lips to brush the back of her neck. 

By the time they got home after returning the horses and making sure they were looked after, Lexa had started sneezing as she felt a dull pressure around her nose and temples.

"Off to bed my darlings, tomorrow is a big day. Presents and everything!" Henry stated, and everyone retired to their rooms.

When Lexa sneezed again, Clarke looked at her apprehensively.

"You were really cold. I wish you would've told me you didn't have warmer clothes. I would've-"

"I'm fine Clarke. I just need to sleep and get warm, besides I didn't want to ask you for clothes again." Lexa said sadly.

"I wouldn't have minded. I like you wearing my clothes." That came out with more subtext than Clarke had implied, not that she didn't mean what she said. "I mean-"

"Thank you." Lexa chuckled.

"Good night, Clarke," Lexa said sighing into the pillow when she finally felt warm again.

"Good night, Lex." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I don't know how small towns outside of Milwaukee are, but yeah lol.  
> This will be my last Wednesday update for now, because school is really weighing down on me. I'll still update on Sundays though.  
> Thank you for all the kudos and comments on last chapter <3


	12. Chapter 12

Lexa woke up with a sore throat and a pounding head. If that wasn't enough she couldn't breathe very well and she felt like she was about to faint. When she tried to cough, a horrible sound escaped her mouth and the taste of mucus challenged her gag reflex.

"Lexa?" a groggy voice echoed through the room. When Clarke's hand reached for her, it found Lexa's stomach and Clarke curled into her side. If it weren't for her limbs aching, the mere touch would've set her skin on fire, but her skin was already on fire, only she felt cold, which in return made her shiver.

"Lexa?" Clarke's voice was now very aware when she retracted her arm. Lexa turned around with flushed cheeks and a pale skin, almost green. She sniffed, or rather tried to sniff as her nose was almost fully blocked.

"Clarke." She croaked and her voice was nearly gone.

"You're ill," Clarke stated and sat up. She put her hand on Lexa's forehead and realized she was burning up. "Yup." Clarke got up and left the room which made Lexa frown.

"Well thanks." She muttered, but before she could turn around and go back to sleep, Clarke entered the room again with a glass of water in one hand and a thermometer in the other.

"Okay, let's see," She said turning it on and pushing it into Lexa's mouth.

"That doesn't give you an accurate temperature."

"You want me to shove it up your ass instead?" Clarke smirked at the color she created on Lexa's cheeks. The thermometer beeped and Clarke looked at the temperature.

"100.4 °F." Clarke sighed. "You have a fever. That damn horse ride." She muttered angrily and started petting Lexa's hair.

"I'll go get my grandma. You stay put."

"Clarke." Lexa gripped Clarke's arm and Clarke's gaze softened if that was even possible. She kissed Lexa's head reassuringly and squeezed her hand.

"She was a doctor. I know she can be kind of a bitch, but she'll know what to do or if we need to take you to a doctor." She gave Lexa comforting smile and walked down the hallway. She found her grandmother brushing her hair in the bathroom and looked at her expectantly.

"Sweetheart? Are you okay?"

"Lexa has a fever." Poppy frowned looking worried. She put down the brush and followed Clarke into the guest room. Never in a million years had Lexa expected the woman, who had been making snide remarks here and there, to look so concerned. She sat down next to Lexa and placed her hand carefully on Lexa's forehead and nodded.

"Sweets go get my bag from my room." She had retired 2 years ago, but she still kept a few things at home in case either one of them was ill. When Clarke entered the room again, she placed the bag at the end of the bed.

"Can you sit up for me?" Poppy asked and Lexa obliged. Poppy listened to her longs, took her temperature again, and measured Lexa's blood pressure. She laid Lexa back down and nodded.

"Drink lots of water, use this every two hours," She said pointing at the cough syrup she had taken out of the cupboard in their bathroom. "This is for your fever and blocked nose. I'm sorry dear, but you'll have to miss Christmas today. I can bring you up some soup every now and then if you want? It's best that you stay in bed for a day or two." She stood up and patted Lexa's shoulder. "I'll go start on some chicken soup."

When she left Lexa quirked an eyebrow and muttered "She's awfully nice." Clarke chuckled and sat down next to her.

"She's a doctor and a grandmother. She's not a bad person, she really _does_ care about people. I think we might've caught her off guard when she saw you instead of Raven." Clarke said tenderly and Lexa nodded.

"You should sleep. I'll come and check on you in a few hours."

"Wait." Clarke turned around with arched eyebrows. Lexa nearly pouted. "What about Christmas?" Clarke's smile was heartening. She sat on the edge of the bed and entwined their fingers.

"I can stay if you want? I want to make sure you rest is all." Lexa smiled. She actually really did want Clarke to stay, to curl up and snuggle with her, or listen to her voice, but her conscience kicked in and it told her she would risk Clarke getting ill too.

"No." She deplored saying it.

"Okay, well I'll let you rest now, and then come up some noms." The mere mentioning of food made her stomach turn.

"I don't know if noms is a good idea." Lexa looked green and Clarke widened her eyes and nodded.

"Whatever you want."  She gave Lexa's hand one last squeeze, then stood up and walked towards the door only to be halted by Lexa's voice again. "Change your mind?"

"No. I just- Can I use your computer, if I wake up and I don't know-" before she could finish that sentence Clarke took out her laptop and placed it next to Lexa.

"Go crazy, but sleep first."

"And Clarke?"

"Yes Lexa?"

"Tell me what you got for Christmas?" Clarke chuckled.

"They're not that original when it comes to that. I'll probably just get an envelope with money, which to be fair is actually pretty awesome."

* * *

 

"I'm going to destroy you." Raven said to Bellamy as she put on Octavia's old skates. "You're so dead."

"So much talk yet so little proof, as usual."

"Last time you doubted my skills, you ended up on your knees, begging." She said referring to their sexual endeavor which made Bellamy laugh wholeheartedly.

"Yes this is true, but sex is not hockey."

"Let's see what you got." She sassed which subsequently enticed Octavia to fake dry-heaving.

"I do not want to hear _anything_ that has to do with your _thing_ , I swear. Who have you not bedded?"

"Besides you?" Raven smirked while wiggling her eyebrows.

"In your dreams Reyes, I'm very straight." She said unconvincingly, even to herself.

"So is spaghetti." she winked.

"If you think I would go there after my brother's dick has been there you've got another thing coming."

Elias was waiting in the car for the kids to get in. Aurora was already at the lake, making sure it was stable enough to skate on. After she had seen some kids skating, she called Elias and gave them the all clear.

"I can't wait." Octavia squealed when she got in.

"You've never been _this_ excited about skating." Her father stated, wanting to know what had his daughter so excited.

"Skating? Dad, I'm talking about Lola's pancake house we're going after I've defeated both of these losers." Elias chuckled and nodded. That sounded more like Octavia.

"Defeat us? Your dad just pointed out you're not excited about skating. I don't think so. You need to have some real heat if you want to defeat this." She said point at herself but Octavia shook her head determinedly.

When they managed to park the car at walking-distance from the lake, the group started running through the snow. Bellamy and Octavia had lost themselves in a snow fight and left Raven and Elias taking care of the hockey equipment. Before they even mentioned hockey this morning, Aurora had told Jake to perhaps do something else this year. She had Raven's leg in mind and didn't want the girl to feel excluded. When Octavia mentioned it, however, there was no going back. Turned out Raven's leg wouldn't stop her.

"How is it?" Bellamy asked, concerned after all, when Raven put on the skates.

"Fine? Why?" Bellamy shifted awkwardly and Raven sighed already knowing the answer to her question. Of course it was the leg, it was always the leg. "Look, Bellamy, I was 10 when they kidnapped me and sawed off my leg. I've done a lot of sports and have never been limited by this prosthetic." Bellamy widened his eyes.

"I thought you got into in a car accident?"

"Nope, definitely got kidnapped."

"You told me it was a car accident."

"Did I?" Raven looked at him playfully and stood up awkwardly, wobbling around. "Let's get on the ice before I fall down like this," She said awkwardly hobbling towards the lake. She placed one foot after the other and finally she was skating. She held onto the hockey stick and took more confident strides.

"Come on then!" She yelled at the Blake family who was still putting on their equipment. Aurora laughed and was happy the girl could do anything she wanted. It gave her some reassurance were the same thing to happen to either of her children.

"Okay then," Elias said whooshing over to Raven. "Who's on my team?"

"I'm so team Aurora." Raven said and Octavia turned red. Raven didn't mean to sound flirty but then again everything that Raven said had sex coated over it.

"How about father and son against us girls?" Octavia voiced.

"So we're outnumbered?" Bellamy muttered.

"Oh come on Bell, you afraid of a challenge?" Raven teased when the boy got on the ice and put on his helmet.

"Please." He gave her cheek.

They started playing with Octavia as a goalie and Raven working alongside Aurora. Soon they realized it really was an unfair advantage that one group was able to work in teams when the other couldn't, so Aurora decided to leave the game and play referee. She was never very good at it anyways. This left Raven to play versus Elias. She got a few shots in but Elias was a master. He used a few tricks and the puck found its way more often than not between Octavia's legs.

"O, I know you find it hard, but close those damn legs." Raven muttered under her breath. Octavia on her end feigned offense.

"You're one to talk," she smirked and altered her posture. After that, Raven started becoming more competitive and aggressively handled the puck until it became more familiar with Bellamy's goal.

In the end, it was almost a tie, but Bellamy and Elias won.

"Told you sex and hockey weren't the same thing." Bellamy whispered in Raven's ear and in return she punched him playfully in the arm.

* * *

 

"How's my patient doing?" Clarke asked when she entered  her room. Lexa paused what she was watching a bit too quickly which made the blonde suspicious.

"You're not watching porn on there are you?"

"No. I prefer doing that in my own room." Clarke widened her eyes at the thought of Lexa watching porn in her room, and God knows doing what to herself. She gulped and pushed the thoughts away. She placed the cup of hot tea on the nightstand and sat on the edge of the bed.

"What are you watching?" She asked and sat down next to the brunette. She eyed the bin Lexa had moved next to the bed that was now filled with tissues.

"Shouldn't you be downstairs celebrating Christmas?"  Lexa swiftly closed her Facebook tab, where she was having a conversation with Nyko, and playfully pulled at Clarke's Christmas hat. How would she even manage to do what she intended out to do with these blues looking at her. This cold had rumbled her plans, and more importantly a part of her didn't want to leave Clarke.

"I'd rather be here with you." They locked eyes more intensely. Clarke told herself that if Lexa wasn't ill she would lean in right now and capture those lips. Yes, she was going to use that as an excuse. "Why are you avoiding my question?" Clarke asked playfully. Lexa sunk a little further into her covers and changed the tab back.  And there she was displayed on the screen: Abby Lee Miller.

"You watch trash reality TV?" Clarke started smiling widely but Lexa sunk deeper into her covers and shrugged.

"It's a guilty pleasure." She mumbled and could feel her cheeks flush with embarrassment.

"I can't believe this. So who's your favorite?"

"Kalani, maybe Nia too when she's doing hip-hop."

"I'm a total Kendall fan." Lexa gaped at her.

"Kendall?"

"Yeah. She's not a bad dancer."

"She has one expression! Which is basically deer caught in headlights."

"That is _so_ not true."

"We cannot be friends anymore." Lexa deadpanned but Clarke started laughing at the seriousness on Lexa's face.

"Play the episode Lex," She said getting more comfortable. Clarke didn't even watch Dance Moms, but she saw a few YouTube videos on her dash. Octavia was obsessed with this show. She made a mental note to reveal this information to her best friend. She might've found an opportunity for Lexa and Octavia to bond.

As they started watching Clarke also started commenting. "Yes burn it up, girl," She said after Abby mentioned the girl's dance was called 'Burn it up'. Lexa glared at Clarke the first time but, in the end, started paying more attention to Clarkes's voice than the show.

"She is a hot mess." Lexa muttered and Clarke snorted. Lexa watched the blonde and not the screen, Clarke had noticed but she decided not to comment on it or react to it.

"You're favoriting Maddie just like everyone else." She said turning her head to face Lexa. The proximity between them was rare unless they were faking it or drunk. Clarke just wanted to envelop her in a hug, hold her and stroke her hair. Her hand had found Lexa's fingers and she attempted to stroke them. She felt relieved when Lexa didn't pull back and she entwined their fingers.

"Kendall's mother annoys me." Lexa whispered and soon after the moment was broken by a long fit of coughs and Lexa untangled their hands to cover her mouth. Clarke sat up a little straighter and rubbed Lexa's back, and so the brunette leaned in more and more.

The comments went on until Lexa completely stopped paying attention to the show and started dozing off while listening to Clarke recap the episode as it was happening. She shifted deeper and deeper into her pillow, and as she was almost flat against the mattress her head bobbed to the right and rested against Clarke's shoulders, snapping the girl out of her live recap.

"Lexa?" She whispered but the girl had dozed off. Clarke smile and shifted some of Lexa's curls out of her eyes. Her fingers lingered on Lexa's hair and before she could retract them, Lexa sighed contently and snuggled into the blonde further, ducking her head under Clark's arm and curling into her, with her arm draped over Clarke's waist. Clarke feeling more than willing, wrapped her arms around the brunette, completely ignoring the possible consequences. Most likely Lexa would wake up and freak out, then an awkward few hours would follow. But for now, all she wanted to do was hold the brunette and indulge in this newfound intimacy. She lifted the blanket and snuggled underneath it. She hit play for the next episode and played with Lexa's hair as the girl's breathing soothed her heart.

Soon after she also fell asleep, with her head resting on Lexa's,  and when Abby came to look for them she shook her head.

" _Just friends mom,"_ She muttered, slightly amused. She wondered what would've happened to make them lie? Clarke was already out, their relationship had been out, but given the fight they had had, perhaps they were still figuring some things out? She wondered who would be the one to grovel. Lexa or Clarke?

She suddenly felt a pang in her chest when she closed the door and remembered times where she was young and snuggled up in a bed in this very house. She looked at the room across the hall and swallowed deep. After Jake died, she had asked her mother to take all of his things as she couldn't bear to look at them.

Clarke was right, she didn't like to speak of him. It hurt so much. And Clarke had been so angry, she was still so angry. She just wanted to go away and isolate herself for a while. That, unfortunately, was not a possibility, with a daughter and a business to take care of. She gulped when she pushed the door to her old room open. She breathed in deeply and found her closet. The smell reminded her of easier times. She smiled and sat down inside the closet, minding the coat hangers, and closed the doors. She looked up and sighed, rubbing her eyes. This was her safe place. No one could reach her here.

"What am I supposed to do Jake? You were always better at this."

Soon after Abby drifted off as well. They were all tired from the late night they had had on Christmas eve. And the fact that her mother wanted her to be up at 9 am after going to sleep at 4 am, wasn't helping. The roast still had two hours to go and her family had just gone for a walk. She rested her eyes just for a few seconds, to collect herself.

_Beeping sounds are what were most distinctive, that and lips that moved spewing out words she did not recognize. Then she noticed his jacket. His favorite jacket, cut in two, bloody and butchered on the floor. It was only then she managed to drag her eyes upwards and onto the gurney. Her heart stopped when she saw his pale skin. The flesh was so distinct as if he had been laying in a butcher's shop. She pulled her brows down and stared at him, her breath picking up a pace. It was only when a nurse wrapped her arms around her waist tightly that she realized she was struggling against her, she was trying to run towards him. She was shouting. She was crying. It felt like she was watching herself, like she was watching it happening. She couldn't breathe, this was not happening._

_"Jake?"_

_"Abby."_

"Abby. Baby." Her mother was shaking her shoulder only a few hours later.

"Jake?" She mumbled when she opened her eyes, but she was met with a pitiful pair of browns instead of blue. "Mom." She said sitting up straighter, she was breathing heavily. Every night, every time she slept, she had the same dream, or rather the same nightmare. Every time, for two years. She was collecting herself and wiped the tears which had fallen during her short-term nap and the sweat that had collected beneath her brow. The minute she realized her mother had found her in her closet she felt flushed and tried to think of something to say, but this was her mother. She knew her daughter. When Abby was in high school she would hide away in here after she had had a bad test or she fought with her father.  She even hid in their after the funeral, then never again, until now that was.

Poppy wanted to comment on the name she just heard, but her daughter's hardened eyes indicated she wouldn't be open to it. Not now, not ever. She knew she wasn't always the best mother, but she recognized the pain on her daughter's face and in this moment all she wished for was to take that same pain away. When they found out about Jake's death, her daughter was left unrecognizable. If her knees would've allowed so, she would've kneeled down, but she was afraid she wouldn't be able to get up. So she leaned forward and kissed Abby's forehead, and in return Abby breathed out a long kept sigh.  

"What are you all doing up here? I go for a walk and I find you all sleeping. If an old lady like me can stay up through the day, so can you." She scolded playfully, hoping she would lighten the mood she had found her daughter in, consequently Abby got up quite quickly.

"I'll go get the girls."

"No need. I woke them up. I told Clarke she shouldn't be hugging her friend when she's sick. She could catch it and then we have two patients in the house. Though the girl seems to feel a little better. I've told them to go sit on the couch downstairs and watch a movie with us, so I can feed her some soup and at least let her enjoy a little bit of Christmas." Abby didn't miss the way her mother said, friend. Something told her, her mother wouldn't be too closed minded to figure those two out after all. It wasn't hard either, the way they were snuggling in bed indicated a friendship that ran deeper than what they were leading on to.

Clarke walked out of the guestroom and straightened out her wrinkled clothes. Clarke placed her hand on Lexa's forehead after they had settled on the couch downstairs and listened to the crackling of the fireplace her grandfather had started before they left for a walk. He and the rest of her family chose a different trail, so they wouldn't be back for quite some time. Abby didn't enjoy walking and Clarke wanted to stay with Lexa. Poppy simply had to be back for her roast, she didn't allow anyone to touch it.  

"I'm fine Clarke."

"You still have a slight fever."

"But I'll be okay." Lexa smiled and wished to lean her head on Clarke's shoulder again. When they woke up she was surprised at first but in the end, she just wanted to enjoy the comfort she was allowed to have for now.

As if Clarke had read her mind, she placed her arm around her waist and pulled her into her side, making Lexa lean into her completely. Consequently, the brunette let out a content sigh and closed her eyes, still feeling slightly drowsy from the medicine she had taken about an hour ago.

Both Poppy and Abby descended the stairs and found both girls lying on the couch, their bodies entangled, again. Abby nearly growled. She asked Clarke to keep it low key. Then again, if her mother had found them that way, there was not much to hide was there?

"Abby." Poppy stopped her before they entered the living room and put on the movie she wanted to watch. Probably 'A wonderful life', as they did every year. Abby watched her mother carefully and waited for her to finish her sentence. "What's going on with those two? I've never heard of a Lexa before, neither you or Clarke mentioned her and as far as I know my granddaughter, it takes her more than a year to get this comfortable with friends, if at all. Is this Lexa girl just very physical?"

"I guess." Abby despised herself for lying in that moment. Before her mother could continue walking, but certainly after she eyed her suspiciously, she stopped her in her tracks "Clarke-" Abby clenched her jaw when her mother turned around."Clarke is in love... I think." She explained and watched her mother carefully. To her surprise, her mother did not look shocked or disgusted.

She simply watched the pair again and then said, "Well, I guess that makes sense." She turned around but then added, "Don't tell your father. He can be quite bigoted about this."

"I know." Abby said quietly before they both entered the living room. "Clarke." Her mother said loudly, which subsequently forced Lexa to open her eyes and straighten her posture.

"I've got cookies, hot coco and chicken soup for you. No milk in your state." She said placing the cup in front of Lexa. The brunette nodded thankfully and cradled the steamy brew in her hands.

"A wonderful life?" Clarke echoed and her grandmother grinned. Clarke knew this movie by heart by now, after having seen it every year since she was born. She pulled a blanket over both herself and Lexa and didn't care about the penalties anymore. If Lexa wanted to reject her, she would, and then they would just stop and go back to how they were, but now she just wanted to hold her hand and snuggle with her on the couch.

So when Lexa put the cup down on the table in front of her, Clarke reached out for her hand and entwined their fingers, under the blanket as they kept watching, earning what sounded like a relieved sigh from Lexa. Lexa eyed both Abby and Poppy, and to be fair even if they were a couple, not that Lexa had thought about it (much), she wouldn't be so comfortable rubbing her relationship into their faces. Especially given they didn't know her well enough.

She tried for a while to stay awake and not lean into Clarke but when the soup started working its wonders she felt herself doze off, and eventually fell into Clarke's embrace. Clarke wasn't too fussed about her family. She noticed neither her mother or grandmother were paying much attention to her, or maybe they were doing that on purpose.

* * *

 

Octavia passed her bathroom and heard Raven cry. She winced and put her hand on the door.

"Rae-" She whispered and the sobs abruptly stopped. It was the middle of the night. She opened up the door and there was no trace of tears ever falling. The only indication was perhaps the red line that surrounded her eyes.

"Hey," She said nonchalantly.

"Don't do that." Raven gulped and breathed in. "Talk to me." By now Octavia glanced inside and saw her parents whiskey hidden behind the toilet. "Really?" Raven looked down. It was Jack Daniels so she knew it wasn't that expensive. Bellamy had given it to her.

"Bellamy gave it to me." Octavia ground her teeth together. She knew her brother meant well, he always meant well, but sometimes she thought he was either socially retarded or just plain stupid.

She scowled at the brunette and picked up the whiskey bottle. Good Ol' whiskey, always the jerker of tears. She sat the brunette down on the toilet, instead of having her sit on the ground and kneeled in front of her.

"Talk to me." She urged and, this time, Raven didn't resist, she put her head in her hands and started sobbing again. Octavia kneeled down on her knees and then leaned up to hug her friend. "It's okay." She stroked Raven's hair, hoping it would soothe her.

Raven looked up and licked some of the tears that had settled on her lips. She hiccupped and sobbed once more. When her sobs had calmed, Raven licked her lips and leaned in, seeking for comfort the only way she knew how, but Octavia stopped her.

"That's not going to fix anything." Raven looked up, her eyes swollen dark when a desperate expression swept over her face. "Tell me what happened." Raven now looked down and the tears she had collected plummeted down, straight to the floor.

"We were, we were still together." Octavia's brows furrowed with confusion. "I just didn't want that pressure, so we tried something." She sobbed looking frustrated now, just the mere thought of what she had created, changed her broken demeanor and made her nostrils flare. "It's all my fault," She said before slurring incomprehensible words, to a point Octavia reached out to her and shook her shoulders.

"Tell me what happened." Raven shook her head and started crying, so much snot drooped down and Octavia ripped off some toilet paper and wiped it for her.

"We had an open relationship, or well I called it polyamory, though looking back now that's not exactly what we did. We read all those books, and I put that in his head and now-" She groaned with a high pitched voice, spewing her emotions into the small Blake bathroom.

"Rae, you're not making any sense." Raven snorted.

"I'm drunk."

"Try again." Raven took a deep breath and sniffed loudly. She licked her lips, tasting salt on them.

"I wanted an open relationship, a polyamorous one, so we could survive long distance." Octavia nodded, not exactly knowing what polyamory was. She knew what polygamy was.

"Is that like polygamy?" She asked carefully, hoping her interruption would not urge the brunette to stop altogether. Raven shrugged.

"Kinda." She looked sideways when she felt another batch of tears waiting behind her eyes. She rubbed her eyebrows while letting out a sharp sigh.

"Go on."

"O-" She stuttered. She didn't feel up to it. She just wanted to get drunk and sleep. She shook her head and Octavia hugged her waist. She perceived the silent cues and helped Raven up.

* * *

 

"Are you comfortable?" Clarke asked when she felt Lexa toss and turn for the fifth time that night. Lexa sighed.

"It's just worse at night." She stated and Clarke nodded reaching out to the brunette and wrapped her arms around her.

"Is this okay? Does this make it worse?" Clarke started babbling but Lexa shushed her with one simple squeeze.

"It's perfect." She sighed, hoping she would feel better soon. Throughout the night Clarke had held Lexa, soothed her coughs and even kissed her shoulder, once. She still felt Lexa shiver against her when her lips touched the faint fabric of her t-shirt.

The next day, after being force fed another batch of chicken soup, Lexa returned upstairs while Clarke helped her cousins finish their cake. When Lexa entered the guestroom, she took the moment of isolation to call Nyko. Especially now that her fever had broken completely, she felt confident and clear-headed, something she needed to be if she were to call Nyko.

She dialed his number and waited for the dial tone to break.

_"Hello?"_

"Hey, it's me."

_"Finally, I was wondering what happened to you."_

"Yeah, I had to take care of something." Right something, meaning snuggling with Clarke and using a fever as an excuse to avoid calling him. Lexa glanced at the door and hoped no one would eavesdrop on her.

_"Are you sick?"_

"No."

 _"You sound very nasal Lexa._ " Lexa rolled her eyes and sat down on the bed.

"Fine, so I'm sick."

_"Is that why you're having second thoughts?"_

_'No Clarke is another reason.'_ But she wasn't going to tell Nyko that. How would she even begin to explain that to him, after the history they shared.

"I guess."

 _"You came all this way. Maybe you're using this as an excuse not to see Anya._ " Lexa sighed and closed her eyes after hearing her sister's name being mentioned.

"She might not even want to see me. She simply texted me, that's hardly an invitation." She stated hoping her insecurity would be coated by the phone's transmission.

 _"Well, I'm still driving down there for New Year, it's only an hour detour for me, so just text me if you change your mind, again."_ The bitterness in his voice did not go unnoticed and it compelled Lexa to tell him right here and now that she would join them, if not just for him but for Echo, Indra, and Gustus.

"Alright, drama queen," Lexa said trying to make it light-heartened. "I'll join, but if I get sicker, I'm holding you responsible." Nyko chuckled. He wanted to add something but Lexa recognized Clarke's slow footsteps on the stairs. "I have to go Nyko," She said abruptly.

 _"Uh- okay?"_ The steps were getting closer.

"I'll talk to you tomorrow." She didn't wait for a response and next thing she knew the blonde was limping through the doorway with a plate, on which a piece of chocolate cake sat, in her hand. Lexa smiled, seemingly on edge.

"The twins want you to taste it." She smiled but then furrowed her brows. "Are you okay?" Lexa bit her lip and leaned down on her elbows. "Did your fever come back?" Clarke approached her, concern tinting her voice. She hovered over the brunette and placed her hand on Lexa's forehead but Lexa grasped it quite forcefully and pushed it away. Clarke leaned on the bed with her knee and looked at the brunette beneath her with a confused expression.

Lexa's eyes softened and regretted her harsh reaction. Clarke wasn't at fault here. She felt like a different person, and to be fair she was. The Lexa she needed to be around people in Indianapolis, the one she was preparing herself to be, was not the person she was when she was with Clarke or her family that was.

"I'm spending New Year's eve with some friends." She blurted out hoping Clarke hadn't made plans for them already, or worse that her family had. When they were on the plane Clarke told her, her family just let her do her thing for New Year's so she was hoping that was still the case. Clarke shifted awkwardly.

"Okay? You have friends in Milwaukee?" A part of Clarke hoped to be invited though her gut was telling her otherwise.

"No, someone is picking me up and we're driving down to Indianapolis." She was definitely not being invited. Clarke widened her eyes, then a feeling slumped to the pit of her stomach. It was jealousy, or envy, one or the other, or maybe both. She wanted to spend New Year's eve with Lexa. She wanted to have a night like yesterday, or like they had that night of the party. She wanted to be allowed to pluck up the courage to kiss her when the clock struck midnight. Everything in her mind that had been a possibility, even mistletoe, though Christmas had passed, shattered.

Lexa had come with her on their holiday and she hadn't mentioned leaving her house. When would she even be back? Would she take a plane back from Indianapolis? Clarke huffed and stood up.

"When were you going to tell me this?"

"I'm telling you now." Clarke was losing her patience. And over what? Her feelings were irrational. Lexa never said she would spend New Year's with her though she assumed since their return ticket was for the 2nd. The only thing she could accuse Lexa of was being rude.

"You're being really rude." She said throwing the only thing she thought of.

"I realize that I told you this at a late state, but I figured it was still on time. And you told me you don't spend it with your family. I figured you already had plans that would work without me anyways." It also dawned on Lexa that Clarke might spend it alone, but then she quickly recovered and told herself that if she had not come on this trip at all they wouldn't be spending it together. So she couldn't have had any plans that only included Lexa.

"Whatever Lexa." It was awkward, to say the least. On top of that Lexa was still sick. She didn't feel great about flaking on Clarke when the blonde was taking care of her, but this was something she needed to do. 

"I'm sorry." She whispered but Clarke shrugged.

"It's fine. I'll do what I was planning to do, or something." She said bitterly. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the kudos and comments :) Next update, next week Sunday on Valentines yaaay *sarcasm*


	13. Chapter 13

Lexa looked at her awkwardly. Clarke was sitting on the sofa in front of the widow. She had her elbow propped up and was gazing outwards. It was the day before New Year's eve and Nyko would pick her up in about an hour. She sighed and bit her lip.

Breaking the news to Clarke's family was handled as if Clarke had forgotten about it. The blonde didn't want to tell her mother that her fake ex-girlfriend who came to spend Christmas with her, was flaking on her for New Year's eve.

Lexa was putting her white sweater in her suitcase and glanced at Clarke once more. She wanted to reach out, and tell her that it was fine, she would stay here, they could watch trashy TV shows and get drunk on New Year's eve, and end up falling asleep together, but it wasn't that simple.

Then, she scolded herself for even going there. She didn't owe Clarke anything. On top of everything else she wished Clarke would meet her half way, just once. Fixing and comforting everyone else was a way to keep people at bay, but all she wanted now was Clarke to try. She hadn't tried to reach out, or to know what was going on. Maybe that was her fault. She made it very clear to anyone she met, that wasn't on the table.

What infuriated her even more, is the fact that she wanted Clarke to know her, to ask about her. She wanted Clarke and it terrified her. This wasn't something she planned, or wanted. She wasn't ready. She had to clear the air with so many things before she could even go there.

She glanced at Clarke's soft lips, but closed her eyes when the urge to turn her around and kiss her, struck her. She closed her suitcase with a thud and felt the reverberations of it drill down her ribs. She stared at it.

Clarke turned around, as if she had felt the dispirited glow Lexa exuded. They hadn't spoken more than two sentences since yesterday morning, after Lexa stated she felt better. Clarke's grandmother cleared her and said Lexa was lucky the illness left her body so quickly. Drinking water and eating Poppy's chicken soup probably helped the process along.

Lexa was still staring down and Clarke felt her stomach drop. She straightened her back and played with her pony tail.

"What will you do?" Clarke asked. Lexa looked up, surprised, and smiled. Then her smile faltered. She didn't want Clarke to know, but she didn't want to lie to her, so she shrugged, not entirely sure how to react.

Clarke heaved her eyebrows and stared back out. She sighed heavily. Why were they here again? She tried again.

"Lexa-"

"It's none of your business Clarke." It slipped out. She was feeling defensive and it just slipped out. Clarke cocked her head back, the bark taking her off guard.

She was about to apologize but then she stood up feeling a surge of anger course through her, "Why not?"

Lexa closed her eyes. She didn't want to fight, she didn't even mean to say it like that. She just didn't want to have this conversation.

She wished Clarke would've asked her about the music she would listen to on the road or if they could Skype while watching the next episode of Dance Moms. When she wished for Clarke to meet her half way this is not what she meant. Thanks universe.

"It's- personal."

"Personal? Spending New Year's eve with your friends is hardly intimate." She bit. "Just tell me." _Just_ tell her? Lexa looked at her and irritation blazed through her eyes.

"Not everything is about you Clarke. Why can't you respect that I don't want to talk about certain things?" Her face was hard and she placed the suitcase on the ground, brushing the sheets straight.

"You never want to talk about anything." Her phone went and Lexa sighed.

 **Nyko** : _Here early, but I can grab a coffee and wait if you're not ready._

Lexa took a deep breath and looked at Clarke.

"My ride is here." She said quietly and Clarke frowned, feeling panic spiraling up to her throat.

"I thought you were leaving in an hour?" She said taking out her phone and looking at the time. Her tone was softer. All the anger she had conserved, left the minute she was met with the prospect of Lexa's absence.

 **Lexa** : _I'm ready. Just give me 5._

Lexa, previously having hauled her backpack on her shoulder, now let it slide off onto the floor. She puckered her lips and looked at the downcast eyes in front of her.

"Come here." Lexa whispered and tugged at Clarke's sweater, pulling her into her. Clarke, even though she still felt hurt, wrapped her arms around the brunette's waist, realizing this would be the last time she would hug Lexa in this year. She let out a contempt sigh and rested her head on Lexa's shoulder. She reluctantly withdrew her arms and hoped she didn't look too disheartened.

Lexa nodded and descended the stairs. She thanked Clarke's grandparents and assured Abby she would be back on New Year's day.

"Wait!" Clarke yipped, feeling self-conscious in doing so. She glanced at her family and hoped her hushed words wouldn't be overheard. "Can I call you on New Year's eve?" Lexa smiled and nodded. Clarke wrapped her arms around the brunette's neck once more, startling her.

"Good luck." Lexa nodded. She was out the door before Clarke realized the gate had even opened. She glanced at the blue, run down, ford. She narrowed her eyes, trying to distinguish the face of the driver, but he was too far away and the sun reflected on the car windows.

When Clarke closed the door she muttered to herself, "Good luck?" She rolled her eyes and puffed loudly.

* * *

 

Lexa entered the car and watched Nyko, he had his eyebrows raised and his eyes aimed at the house behind her.

"Damn."

"Just drive." She muttered. He smirked and started driving.

After driving about an hour and listening to Nyko's horrible country music mix, Lexa fumbled in her bag in search of some candy she brought, instead she found a CD with a post-it stuck to it.

'Road Mix, C.'

Lexa smiled sadly. She had been an ass to Clarke. Though she knew had she not been, she wouldn't have managed to leave her. The simple thought of her blue pensive eyes and that blonde hair had the space between her ribcage swirling and tickling her sides. She breathed savoring the taste of Clarke's memory.

She turned off Nyko's music and received a low grunt in return.

"My turn." She said smirking. She carefully popped it in and waited with anticipation what Clarke had put on the CD. The first few songs were old skool hip hop. Biggie, Salt n Pepa, Naughty by nature. It made Lexa smile widely. She had gone on a total ramble about old skool hip hop on one of their last lunches, before the hospital, before everything. She hadn't expected Clarke to remember.

The next song, however, was not from the same genre, let alone the same decade. Her cheeks turned pink when she heard Miley Cyrus blast through the stereo. Not 2015 Miley, no 2010 Miley, Hannah Montana Miley. Nyko frowned and looked at her curiously.

"Old school Miley Cyrus Lex?" She was hiding her face. She didn't dislike Hannah Montana, she didn't like her either, not that she would ever tell anyone that. She took out her phone and sent a message to Clarke.

 **Lexa Woods** : _I'm going to kill you._

She smirked a little and started giggling when she saw Nyko bobbing his head to the music.

 **Lexa Woods** : _Thank you <3_

She contemplated the heart for a few seconds but then shrugged and decided not to over-think every little move she made and hoped Clarke would do the same though she could not promise to be equally chill were Clarke to ever sent her a similar text.

Clarke didn't respond, and in truth Lexa didn't blame her. She had acted aloof and bitchy for the last two days.

An hour later, however, just as they passed Chicago her phone vibrated.

 **Clarke Griffin** : _You're welcome. Drive safely._

Lexa pouted fondly. She made a mental note to call Clarke later and to apologize. To say that the subject was touchy and she would explain everything to her someday. Someday soon, depending on how this would go today.

* * *

Arriving at Anya's house, Lexa breathed in deeply and eyed the house. They had moved, and sold the old house. What Anya had failed to tell her was that they moved only a few houses down. She wasn't sure why her sister would even bother, but she wasn't going to question her on that now. She stared loudly at the house and Nyko cleared his voice.

"You're going to have to go in at some point, heda."

"You shouldn't call me that anymore." Lexa said absent-mindedly, too busy looking at the pink painted door. Anya hated pink. She bit her lip anxiously, preparing herself to even knock on said pink door.

"I want to." She looked at Nyko, agony brimming at the edge of her eyes.

"Don't." She whispered. Nyko looked down at the wheel and sucked in a sharp breath of air, then nodded his head aggressively. "I'm sorry." He held up his hand.

"I get it. Are you going to sit here all day or try to see Anya?" He said changing the subject to one less heavy but equally substantial. Lexa ground her teeth and clenched her jaw. She screwed her eyes shut, fearing the worst.

After attempting to push down her anxiety, and swallowing deep, she opened the car door and stood in front the house, still halting her steps. She couldn't do this. She looked behind her and found Nyko's encouraging eyes, which pushed her to the second step, four steps away from the front door. She was trying to get her breathing under control, she wouldn't be able to face Anya if any sign of weakness was written on her face.

When she knocked on the door, a head full of small black curls opened the door. She widened her eyes.

"Emori?" She whimpered looking down at the child.

"Emori! I've told you never to open-" Anya came in view after dragging Emori behind her while Lexa's eyes did not leave the girl until she was firmly hidden behind Anya's back. Anya stood in silence looking at Lexa, her jaw fallen open, and her eyes wide.

"What the hell are _you_ doing here?" She asked harshly and Lexa gulped.

"She's gotten bigger." She whispered, disregarding Anya's question. In turn, Anya furrowed her brows, appearing concerned for half a moment but reclaimed her harsh demeanor in a matter of seconds.

"Why are you here _Lexa_?" She pronounced her name so violently, it shook Lexa to her core.

"You texted me." Anya sighed.

"I texted you Merry Christmas. That's hardly an invitation." Lexa tried to keep her mask placed vastly on her face, but it was crumbling, quietly and slowly. Anya noticed the hurt which flashed in Lexa's eyes after she had spoken.

"I-" Lexa sighed and Anya shook her head groaning and almost muttering a no as she tried to slam the door in Lexa's face. The brunette, however, slammed her palm against the wooden structure and kept the door ajar. "Please Anya. All I'm asking for is 5 minutes. I just want to talk." Anya kept pushing until Lexa added, "I miss you."

Anya pressed her forehead against the hard and cold surface of her front door and breathed out an agonizing gulp of air. She closed her eyes feeling of fleeting lump rising in her throat. Subsequently, she both opened her eyes and the door. 

"Okay." She allowed some space between herself and the door so Lexa could enter the familiar looking house. It wasn't so different from her old house, only smaller and it smelled different. "Emori, go play outside." She told the younger girl and opened the back door which led to the backyard.

Lexa wanted to object, but already thankful she was permitted inside, remained silent. Anya turned to her sister with a painful expression. The exhaustion that haunted her for years, pierced through her skin and caused her to fail miserably when she attempted to hide her throbbing expression.

"Sit. I'll get you something to drink." She went to the kitchen and opened the fridge to take out a beer, only to put it back. The last time she saw Lexa in this neighborhood she was drinking herself in a ditch, the memory alone prompted her to reach for the orange juice, technically belonging to Emori, and pouring her sister a glass.

She collected herself before she entered the living room again and placed the glass on the coffee table. She sat down, across from Lexa as they both watched the glass of orange juice.

After what felt like a half an hour, but in truth was about five minutes, Anya cleared her throat and tried to harden her face.

"I'll ask again, what are you doing here Lexa?" She didn't retain her harshness. She wanted to create a clear boundary between herself and Lexa.

"I wanted to see you. You and Emori." She said looking outside at the four-year-old playing in the grass. Anya's breath hitched as she watched her little girl as well.

"Lexa," She rubbed her forehead and closed her eyes."Why now? You've never tried this before? And what makes you think we want to see you? If I knew texting you would result in this, I wouldn't have texted you or maybe I would have a year ago."

"I'm sorry." Lexa stated hoping to convey all the regret and emotion she had. Anya sighed. "I was afraid."

"What do you want me to say, Lex? Yes, it's all fine? It's not."

"You're not the only one that has been hurting Anya."

"What would you have me say? I'm sorry I did what I did after what happened that night with Emori? I'm a mother first Lexa."

"I know." She said quietly remembering that fateful night.  "I don't expect you to forgive me."

"Damn right." Anya muttered. She had tried to find Lexa about 6 months after she had left, but her sister didn't want to be found. After a year passed, she decided to mourn Lexa, as her sister would never come back and she wasn't sure whether the version her sister had turned into now, was someone she wanted in her life.

Anya sighed and attempted to glance at her little sister. She seemed better, no longer was her skin pale. The dark rings that once resided daily beneath those familiar greens seemed to have faded as well, and the color in her lips had returned. She looked whole. She looked like the sister she knew before Costia died. A twinkle of hope sparked within her, maybe, just maybe this could be that Lexa again. Perhaps her sister managed to swim back to shore. She pushed the thoughts away and scolded herself as she would her four-year-old, for even entertaining these thoughts.

She didn't know what to do. Another glance at Lexa and she wanted to say something, she needed to. Maybe they should talk.

"Tomorrow, there's a neighborhood barbecue. I'm sure everyone would like to see you." Lexa shifted uncomfortably. The last time she saw her crew it nearly killed her.  "Nia and her crew won't be there. It's just us, trikru block." Anya reassured the brunette knowing that would be on her mind. Lexa smiled but the thought of seeing them all terrified her still, even if her main source of agony would be absent. "Maybe you could stop by then," She looked behind her and watched Emori, "When Emori is on her play date at Luna's."

Lexa nodded and before she could respond, Anya muttered seemingly under her breath, "That way I don't have to worry about her." This seemed to ignite a certain kind of anger within Lexa, one she didn't feel she was allowed to possess.

"I'm not going to hurt her." Lexa said defensively which softened Anya's gaze.

"I know you would never intentionally hurt her, I just-" Anya clenched her jaw. "I don't trust you." Lexa nodded and understood the lack of trust her sister held onto. "And I don't want her to be confused either."

"Anya," Lexa sighed pinching the bridge of her nose. "I understand you don't trust me, but the kid hardly remembers me."

"She might." Anya snapped. "And then what? You leave again and I have to deal with her confusion like I had to last time."

"I didn't choose to leave Anya." She tightened her jaw but Anya scoffed.

"You made that choice."

"You told me to go!"

"I gave you a choice! Get yourself together or go. And you left! Without a second thought, you just left." Lexa swallowed hard, tears brimming at the edge of her eyes. "I needed you." Anya whimpered, her hard mask finally falling.

"I needed- I wanted-" _to die_ is what laid on the tip of Lexa's tongue. How was she supposed to even put that into words?

"You left us, not that night, you left us long before that." She was crying now and at this point Emori ran in, hearing their cries outside.

"Mommy?" She said looking worried between her mother and Lexa. Swift as it fell off, Anya picked up her mask and regained her hardened expression.

"Everything's alright." She stood up and looked at Lexa while she picked Emori up and rested her on her hip. "I meant what I said before Lex, come tomorrow, we can talk then. I can't do this right now." Anya stated, not only for Emori's sake but for her own. She needed to prepare for that conversation. She was angry at her sister for catching her off guard like this. Lexa had had plenty of time to prepare herself, but she couldn't expect her to just have this conversation, just like that.

Lexa nodded curtly and exited the house the same way she came in. Thankfully Nyko was still sitting in his car, combing his beard.

 _'Seriously?'_ Lexa rolled her eyes.

"That was fast." Nyko hid away the comb the minute he heard the car door open.

"Yeah," She looked down feeling deflated. "I'll see her tomorrow at the barbecue." He smiled but quickly hid it when he noticed Lexa's expression. Her cloudy demeanor told him she was not pleased with attending their block party. "Take me to Motel 6." Nyko frowned.

"You are not staying at a motel Heda." Lexa's nostrils flared.

"I've told you not to call me that!" She snapped and he bowed his head respectfully. Her expression softened at the gesture and she closed her eyes putting her hand on his arm. "I'm sorry." She squeezed his arm and he nodded.

"I just mean to say, you have family here. Anya isn't your only family. You could stay with Indra and Echo." Lexa tensed hearing their names. She knew she was always welcome in that house though she was not sure how ready she was. "I know what you're thinking, but would you honestly rather see them tomorrow, when everyone else is around?" No, probably not. She had to face them, and she would rather do it in private.

"Okay." She croaked.

* * *

 Sometime in the afternoon, Octavia had asked Clarke whether they could skype. The blonde, feeling miserable eagerly agreed, hoping her friends would cheer her up.

Both Octavia and Raven waited for Clarke to pick up on Skype. They smiled at each other. Even though Raven had slept most of the days she had been at Octavia's, she was happy at the anticipation to see their best friend. Clarke swiftly answered.

"Hello?" Clarke said and you could hear their connection wasn't ideal, her voice cracked and her video was not on.

"Clarke! Your video isn't on." Clarke looked around her computer and snorted, quickly clicking on the video.

"Hi, guys! Can you see me now?" Her video was loading, but finally, the two brunette's could see their friend.

"Hey!" Octavia said happily as she rested her chin on her hand. She was laying on her stomach as Raven sat next to her.

"So Rae, how have you enjoyed the Blake's?"

"Ugh, I miss Grandma M.'s apple pie, dude." This enticed Octavia to jab Raven's ribs.

"Lies Reyes. You love my family's food."

"I love everyone O." She said looking down at the brunette lovingly. She even petted her back which prompted Clarke to cock an eyebrow. Octavia looked back at the screen and asked, "So how is everything over there? Where is Lexa? Is she brooding in a corner somewhere?" Octavia smirked, looking at the edges of the screen hoping to catch a glimpse of curly brown hair.

Clarke shifted uncomfortably and both Octavia and Raven noticed the sudden slouch in her expression. Raven glanced at Octavia, seemingly worried.

"Clarke?" Clarke sighed and ran her hand through her hair. Not only was this painful but it was embarrassing.

"She left." She said curtly. Octavia threw a worried look at Raven and stood up, now sitting in the same position as Raven.

"What do you mean she left?" Clarke shrugged. She felt so bad about this, Lexa hadn't even called her. Then again, she only promised to call her New Year's eve, but she had hoped her brunette would've called her the minute she arrived in Indianapolis, just to say she was safe or something. She left this morning, and probably had already arrived by now. She was not going to text Lexa. She already felt pathetic enough, she did not want to add more embarrassment to the pot.

"She's got people over in Indianapolis. Apparently she made plans for New Year's with them." Clarke said bitterly and Octavia raised her eyebrows.

"Did you know?" Clarke shook her head and Octavia gaped at her. "What a fucking bitch!"

"Octavia." Clarke muttered disapprovingly. She wouldn't lie, it hurt and she fostered some anger for the brunette, but she wasn't going to let Octavia demonize her.

"What?" She said flailing her arms in the air. "She just left you? With no explanation? That's fucking rude, not to mention hurtful. She's your girlfriend! How could she do that?" Raven placed her hand on Octavia's arm urging her to calm down. Nothing was ever simple, she knew that better than anyone.

"First of all, she's not my girlfriend. Will you please stop calling her that," Clarke's voice broke. Raven closed her eyes, agonizing over her friend's voice and remembering how her own voice sounded only a few days ago. "Secondly, we never made plans. She told me a few days before she left. She doesn't owe me anything. I've told you before, things are more complicated than just a simple lovers' squabble."

Octavia huffed but Raven shook her head, calling the brown pup back. Octavia's bark was much worse than her bite, and something told her that Clarke didn't want this.

She wasn't one to just say what someone wanted to hear, she would always be truthful, but Clarke was hurting and she knew Lexa, and Lexa was far from being a bad person. In fact, she never knew anyone as patient and loving as Lexa, what happened after the hospital only proved that. There was no doubt in Raven's mind that Lexa loved Clarke.

"Have you talked to her?" Clarke pouted.

"No. She hasn't called or texted me. Well, no she has texted me, about the CD I snuck into her bag. She said thank you. With a heart." She wasn't sure why she added that information, especially now that voicing it, ignited a warm blush spreading from her cheeks to her neck. This particular side note made Octavia smile.

"I'm sorry for calling her a bitch. It's just- I've never seen you this way about anyone." Clarke swallowed hard. Octavia was right. She never felt this strongly about someone. She had been in love before, but what she felt with Lexa was more intense, in a way it was raw and overwhelming. "I'm afraid you'll get hurt."

"If it makes you feel better, me too." Clarke said, her bottom lips trembling as she voiced the words. "I'm fucking terrified of her. The more time I spend with her, the more I feel. And now that she isn't here, I feel miserable. I hate this." Raven chuckled. "It's not funny Rae. I just want her near me, all the time." Clarke deplored and Raven threw her a pitiful glance.

"You're in love, you're supposed to feel that way." Clarke felt her heart sink. Did that mean that Lexa didn't feel the same way? She left, easily.

* * *

 After driving for about 5 minutes, Nyko finally cut the engine and parked the car. Lexa sat in the car for a long time, simply looking at the house that she was once familiar with, especially the left window on the second floor with the flower pattern on the curtains. It was still there, she recognized it from afar, which meant they might've kept her room intact completely. The simple thought could have ruined her right now.

By now Nyko had left her there, alone with her thoughts, and gone off for a smoke after they had waited in silence together for about twenty minutes. When he returned he urged her with one quick look to enter the house. The anticipation was only making everything worse. She pushed out cold air and grabbed the handle of the car door firmly, she squeezed her eyes shut when she opened it and swung her legs. For a moment, she paused and placed her hands on her knees. She was not sure what was worse, Anya or this?

When she stood up she was shaking, trembling from head to toe. She barely managed to fling to car door shut. This was definitely worse. She chewed the inside of her cheek to distract herself from the heaviness that was pressing on her chest.

Before she knocked hesitantly, she looked up at the house, allowing the bricks to press on her eyes.

After she knocked, the door opened and two widened brown eyes met hers. "Hi." She only managed, afraid of what her voice would sound like if she said more.

"Oh my God!" Echo smiled widely and flung her arms around Lexa's shoulders. Lexa wrapped her arms around the younger girl instinctively and breathed in her smell, which only reminded Lexa of her, only different.

 

_"Lex," She whispered when the brunette kissed her. The kiss was overflowing with emotions and so were Lexa's eyes._

_"I love you." She whimpered and Costia laughed. She brought their foreheads together._

_"I love you too." By now Lexa was laughing too. "I'm guessing you don't just see me as Echo's sister anymore?" Lexa shook her head._

_"No." She laughed and hugged her, relishing the smell of the shampoo she used. She tangled her hands into the black frizzy curls and welcomed the warmth Costia ignited within her._

 

Lexa swiftly cleared her voice and untangled herself from Echo. Echo gave her an understanding smile and beckoned her to come inside.

"What are you doing here?" She asked happily.

"I'm trying to- I'm visiting Anya." Echo pursed her lips.

"Ah. Well, I'm guessing that's not going to be easy then?" Lexa sighed and sat down, on the couch, kneading the blanket that was bestowed on it. She hadn't noticed until her fingers started burning from her agitated pace. She looked down and regarded the blanket. She smiled. She was a creature of habit, even when she didn't know it.

"Here," Echo said coming out of the kitchen with a beer. "Wait-" She halted her steps. "Do you drink nowadays, with everything-?" She shifted her weight from one foot to the other.

"I'm not an alcoholic Echo, I was just-." She smiled nervously and placed it on the coffee table. "I won't drink the beer if you're uncomfortable." Echo scratched the back of her head.

"No, no! Sorry." She said placing her hands on her knees. "So... are you better now?" She said, not beating around the bush. It made Lexa laugh. Always straight to the point.

"Yes. I had therapy for what was happening to me," Lexa rolled her eyes knowing the question that was burning on Echo's tongue. "I was diagnosed with depression Echo. The center I ended up in, after I left, helped me."

"So, what happened, when you were drinking and doing drugs-"

"That, was a consequence. When Costia," She sighed, allowing herself a moment to close her eyes and prepare to talk about the woman she loved. "When Costia died. I wanted to leave, to escape. I guess that's how I- I don't know." She winced at how her voice sounded. She wanted to throw up. Costia's name hadn't left her lips for years. This whole conversation was making her uncomfortable. Especially in this house, it was like she was disrespecting Costia's memory somehow.

 "I understood you know?" Lexa smiled regretfully at the pained expression on Echo's face. "You could've come here." Lexa almost wanted to cry, she shook her head painfully.

"That would've been too hard." Her voice broke. "I'm sorry Echo." She whispered but Echo nodded.

"She was my twin. If anyone understands that pain, it's me. I couldn't manage to even enter her room for months. My mom- I still feel bad for not helping her more. She placed fresh flowers in Costia's room. Every day. And made her bed. She kept everything as if she was still here." A tear ran down Echo's face and Lexa got up to hug her friend. She reached the other side of the coffee table and kneeled in front of her.

"You did enough. You were here. I wasn't." She hugged the girl's waist as Echo tried not to sob into Lexa's shoulder.

"Do you want to see her room?" Lexa tensed in Echo's embrace.

"I-uh. I don't know." Lexa said honestly as she withdrew her hands and placing them on Echo's knees. She wasn't sure what would happen to her, seeing the room that kept so many memories. Would she see their legs tangled together when she sat on her bed? Would she remember the touch of Costia's tender fingers when she would see the cream on her nightstand.?

"Where is your mom?" Lexa said changing the subject. She had to think, she needed time.

"She'll be home in a minute. She'll be so happy to see you." Echo smiled through her tears and pressed her forehead against Lexa's.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy valentine's day to all who want to celebrate love, and happy sarcasm to all like me who would rather contemplate the existence of the black void that is their heart lol.  
> On a serious note though, I realize this chapter is very Lexa heavy, the reason why I put the skype call in there was to allow Clarke some wallowing I guess? Next chapter will be equally Lexa heavy, so sorry for Clarke fans out there! I promise she will make an appearance.  
> Thank you for all the kudos and comments!  
> Next update, is next Sunday, see you then :)


	14. Chapter 14

"Echo. I've told you before and this is the last time I'm repeating myself, get those garbage bags out. It's not a difficult task you know?" The sturdy woman said when she entered the living room a few hours later. Echo had expected her mother hours ago, but as it turned out the woman got stuck having coffee with Luna. She had had to run to the store before they closed and only then did she manage to drive home.

When Indra's eyes fell on Lexa, her whole posture softened.

"Lexa?" She voiced putting down her groceries and stepping forward.

"Hey Mrs. E." Lexa said happily and was enveloped in a big hug. The tall woman clung to her and stroked her tentative braids. She pushed the girl away and held onto her shoulders so she could look at her.

"Look at you." She said fondly and stroked her cheek. "You look good Lexa." By now Echo stood up and grinned watching the encounter. Indra looked at Echo and instructed her to put the groceries away.

Lexa attempted at offering her help but Indra shook her head and beckoned for her to sit down on the couch. She placed her hand on the small of Lexa's back and still watched the girl she once knew so well with adoration.

"Here you go, mom," Echo said placing a glass of water in front of her mother, whose eyes had not yet left Lexa. She nodded at her daughter.

Lexa's phone buzzed before Indra could even ask her anything. She looked at her phone. It was Nyko. She frowned and looked outside, the sky had turned dark. She didn't realize how long she had talked to Echo.

She smiled tightly, "It's Nyko, he's outside and he brought Lincoln."

Echo shifted awkwardly. Lexa pursed her lips and eyed her. It had always been awkward after Lincoln and Echo broke up and even more so after Costia died. When they first broke up, Echo couldn't be in the same room with anyone related to Lincoln, which included Lexa, let alone Lincoln himself. Lexa still remembered the sound of the vase crashing next to her ear after she had witnessed their break-up. Echo barely managed to talk to her after that, feeling too embarrassed, but after Costia gave her an earful, a memory which made Lexa laugh mentally, Echo got over her awkwardness.

 

_"I mean it Echo."_

_"Costia-"_

_"I don't care." Echo was speechless and Lexa stood in the hall sheepishly, trying to catch Echo's gaze as her sister was yelling at her. "I get it. He broke your heart, and Lexa witnessed your reaction to it, but you're being childish."_

_"He practically broke up with me over the phone! I had to go over there-"_

_"Echo, I know."_

_"Do you?"_

_"I do, but how is this related to Lexa?" Echo remained silent and Costia's nostrils flared. "Look, she's my girlfriend. She's not Lincoln, she is Lincoln's cousin and that's all. Stop being so weird every time she's here. Seriously!" Costia looked at her sister and flailed her arms, "She's your commander, she just wants what's best for all of you." Lexa placed a hand on her lover's shoulder and shook her head when Costia met her eyes. Costia growled and stomped down the hallway. It was a rare sight to see her girlfriend in such a state, as her demeanor was usually soft and calm._

_"Echo, I'm here for everyone."_

_"He's your cousin."_

_"You're all my people." Echo nodded and looked down._

"They're outside with pizza's?" Indra smiled and nodded, she headed down the hallway, towards the door. Echo growled under her breath.

"I would've preferred cooking you a home cooked meal but it seems Lincoln has brought everyone's favorite." Echo rolled her eyes which earned her a disapproving look from Lexa. She shook her head, it was like she was being propelled two years back . If she wasn't dealing with actual threats to her territories, she was dealing with tensions within her crew.

"Hello?" Lincoln said as he peeked his head from behind living room door. Lexa smiled and Lincoln laughed.

"Well, look what the cat dragged in." Lexa chuckled and squeaked when he lifted her up with one arm and hugged her tightly, nearly pressing the air from her lungs permanently. She groaned, but he placed the pizza's down on the table and hugged her with both hands.

"Put me down," She said trying not to crack a smile. He nodded and put her down swiftly. 

"Sorry, cous'." Next he watched Echo and nodded. If it hadn't been for their sexual relationship after Costia died, it probably wouldn't have been so awkward now. They both realized they didn't want to get back together and that they both regretted going there again, but when Costia died Echo found comfort in her former lover's embrace, she probably always would.

"I brought you your favorite," He said awkwardly placing the Hawaiian on the dining table. Echo gave him a faint smile.

"I'll get drinks," Echo stated disappearing into the kitchen which made Lincoln scratch the back of his neck.

"What did you bring me?" Lexa asked hoping to change the subject. He showed her his pearly whites and placed another pizza on the table.

"Four cheeses, what else?" Lexa greedily opened the box but before she could take a slice into her hand, Indra swatted her hands away while clucking her tongue disdainfully.

"Plates, we are not savages." Lexa blushed and waited for Echo to return with both drinks and plates.

* * *

 

After pizza boxes had been emptied and the night had progressed even further, the conversation turned to Lexa's sleeping arrangements for the night. She had tried to say she would stay at the motel, but Indra quickly shut that idea down.

"You're staying here and that's that." Indra ended the conversation with one sentence and Lexa pursed her lips.

"We should be going, though," Lincoln stated eyeing Nyko, who nodded. Lexa hugged them both while Lincoln whispered reassuring things in her ear. He had hoped his cousin would come back at some point and make things right. After their long-winded goodbye, Indra showed them out.

Lexa regarded Echo who seemed to be sulking.

"Aren't you a little old to be holding a grudge?" She raised an eyebrow and Echo looked at her, eyes wide.

"I'm not holding a grudge."

"You're holding onto something."

"You sound like Costia." Lexa opened her mouth and floundered for words, but instead she clenched her jaw and looked down.

"Sorry."

"She was-" Lexa was trying to explain how much Costia had taught her, how much she had learned and how she became a better leader just because of her, but she couldn't find the words to express just that. Instead, she opted for just voicing, "She was wise beyond her years."

"That she was." Echo nodded.

"So, where am I going to put you?" Indra asked coming back into the living room.

"I'll take the couch Indra. I don't want you to go out of your way-"

"Nonsense." She dismissed Lexa and tugged at her elbow, hoping the brunette would follow her. An amused smile laid on Echo's lips when she watched her mother guide Lexa upstairs.  "Come on little _Heda_." Lexa winced at Indra's voice though it made Echo, who had overheard the old nickname, snort.

"I know you haven't been in here for a long time," She said halting in front of Costia's room, "And if this is too much, I'm sure Echo can sleep in there and you can take her bed, but this was practically your room at some point too." Lexa eyed the door. It still had a small crack near the lock, the onetime Costia had gotten stuck in her room when she was nine and Echo tried to bust her out.

Indra placed a hand on Lexa's shoulder and muttered, "Take as long as you need." She eyed the girl that at some point had basically been her future daughter in law. When Costia died and still now, it was the most difficult thing that she had to deal with. Watching Lexa going down a self-destructive path afterward made her heart ache even more. Both she and Echo had mourned Costia, but it seemed Lexa never had. The alcohol, the drugs, the parties, everything she did seemed to have only desensitize her. Now everything was towering down on her, and she wasn't sure whether she could handle it all.

Lexa swallowed deep and brushed her hand over the surface of the door, past the faded pink flowers, and on the distinctive cracks in the wood. She turned the handle and let the door swing open slowly. It still smelled the same. The room was dark though the curtains had not been pulled together, and so everything was caked in a dull yellow light originating from the street light outside. It beamed through her window and into her room, onto the queen sized bed.

She breathed heavily when she crossed the threshold and closed the door behind her, still not turning on the light. She didn't want to. It seemed more personal and intimate this way, with only the sparse yellow glow lighting the room.

She took off her leather jacket and put it on the bed. She sat down on the green duvet and felt the soft fabric tickle her fingers when she placed her hands on the edge. She looked up and regarded the clock, still frozen in time.

 

_"Lexa." Costia sighed, wrapping her arms tighter around the brunette's waist. "Why are you still awake?" The girl sounded frustrated and it was evident Lexa's movements and puffs had kept her awake. She felt guilty but her own frustration came tumbling out when she turned around to face Costia._

_"I can't, your damn clock is making sure of that." Costia chuckled and cupped Lexa's cheek._

_"Baby, just take the batteries out if you're that bothered." Lexa stood up, on the bed, hoping to balance herself and took the clock from the wall. It took some restraint not to throw the damn thing across the room and smash it against the wall. She took out the batteries and placed the clock back on the wall, alongside the wooden necklace that was placed over it._

_"Nice ass." Costia smirked and Lexa looked down, surprised at how awake her girlfriend was. Slender dark hands wrapped around Lexa's ankles and the brunette noticed a certain glint in Costia's eye. Lexa placed the batteries on the nightstand and straddled her, soon after Costia's hands found Lexa's ass and held her in place._

_"I love you." Lexa muttered before Costia claimed her lips._

Lexa closed her eyes painfully. What would she dream of tonight while sleeping in this bed? She looked around further and found her favorite movie placed on one of her bookcases. She smiled and sat down. She took out the disc and placed it in the DVD player. She did not really know why she was doing this and despite realizing this would be extremely painful, she allowed herself to sink into the familiar bed and watch the opening scene. She heard the small rustling of leaves as the movie started and somehow felt Costia's hand grasp her arm as if she was still here. She could smell her, and feel exactly what she would have done were she still here. She would place her head on Lexa's shoulder and wrap both arms around her one left arm.

She breathed in shakily and read the first line of the movie on the screen _'Isla Nublar, 120 Miles West of Costa Rica'_

* * *

 

Lexa woke up to a black screen and a loud buzz. She must've fallen asleep quite quickly after the movie had started, she couldn't even remember watching the middle of the film. The bed still provided so much comfort, she hadn't slept this well in years. The smell, the touch, the feeling, it was like a cradle that rocked her to sleep.

She frowned looking for the source of the buzzing that had now stopped. Most likely, she had received a text message. She rubbed her eyes hoping to wipe the sleep from her mind and finally found her phone at the bottom of her bag.

 **Clarke Griffin:** _Hope you had a good day. Good night._

She looked at the time on her phone and noted that it was passed midnight. She had just received the text message, and she knew it couldn't have been easy on Clarke's part to send it. She put her jacket on, and stepped outside, making her way downstairs. She could not bear calling Clarke while sitting in Costia's room. It already felt too much like she was cheating on her former lover. A ridiculous notion indeed as Costia was gone and she wasn't even with Clarke.

However, she felt a nagging need to call the blonde now, immediately. She tapped on Clarke's name and dialed her number.

 _"Hello?"_ Clarke said with a weak voice.

"Hey! It's me." Lexa stated, then quickly added, "Lexa."

 _"I_ _know_ ," Clarke chuckled softly. _"Why are you calling?"_

"You texted me." This was starting to become a habit. She was starting to use someone texting her as an excuse to do whatever she wanted. Lexa rolled her eyes at the parallels she was making.

"I wanted to hear about your day," Lexa said genuinely. "And to apologize for how I left."

 _"Oh okay."_ Clarke stated but what followed was silence.

"Clarke?"

 _"I'm waiting for that apology."_ Lexa rolled her eyes and Clarke snorted not being able to contain her amusement.

"I am deeply sorry for how I acted, I felt cornered and vulnerable. I promise I'll explain everything to you at some point."

 _"I accept your apology."_  

"I am really sorry, in all seriousness." 

 _"I know Lex."_ Lexa hummed feeling more at ease already. _"So how was your day?_ " Clarke asked not wanting the conversation to end there.

"I asked you first."

 _"Well, my day was boring. I baked another cake, though remind me to never bake banana bread again, it's disgusting."_ Lexa laughed. _"How about you? What did you do?"_

"I saw my sister," Lexa said surprised at her own honesty. She decided that's what she would be now. Being on the phone somehow made it easier to be truthful. "That's why I'm here actually."

 _"Oh. I see."_ Lexa shivered, feeling the nightly breeze tickle her neck. " _How did it go?"_ Clarke didn't know much about Lexa and her sister, she only knew her family situation was far from ideal.

"Not too well," Lexa whispered hoping she didn't sound too sad. "I'm supposed to go to her house tomorrow and talk."

 _"At least, it's a start. Wait, where are you now?"_ Clarke sounded worried which made Lexa smile fondly. In fact, it made her heart flutter.

"I'm at a- friend's house," She stated looking at the bricks behind her, just in time to catch Echo exiting the front door. The brunette eyed her curiously and Lexa sighed. "I should go soon, though, Clarke. I just really wanted to call you." She trailed off, ignoring Echo's presence, and more specifically Echo's questioning eyes.

 _"Really?"_ Clarke asked playfully.

"Yeah, really." Lexa looked at Echo again and cleared her voice. "I really have to go, though." 

 _"Oh, okay."_ She sounded disappointed.

"Can I call you again tomorrow? No text required." Lexa laughed a little which only resulted in Echo looking at her even more curiously. A small smile tugged at the edges of Echo's lips.

_"Yeah I'd like that."_

"Talk to you later."

_"Good night Lex."_

Lexa looked at Echo's expression and rolled her eyes. She was about to stand up and go back inside but the brunette grasped her sweater and pulled her down.

"Not so fast Cujo." Lexa huffed when she sat back down.

"Who was that?" She wiggled her eyebrows but Lexa shook her head. She bumped her shoulder against Lexa's and looked at her expectantly.

"Her name is Clarke. She's a friend from school."

"Do you call all your friends at 1 in the morning?" Lexa rolled her eyes again but smiled this time. "So?"

"So, nothing. She's just a friend."

"And you _like_ her." It wasn't a question. Lexa groaned and attempted at leaving again but Echo shook her head. "You haven't changed at all have you?" Lexa's brow deepened.

"And what is that supposed to mean?"

"You're still as evasive as you were when Costia was alive." Lexa looked down and her heart ached. She missed Costia, so much. Having this conversation with Costia's sister felt so wrong. "It's okay to like someone new, you know?" Echo added and Lexa scoffed. 

"It is?" She uttered bitterly.

"Lex." Echo said and grasped her hand but Lexa shook her head and, this time, didn't allow Echo to stop her from entering the house. She made her way to the couch and laid down. She closed her eyes, hoping sleep would find her soon as she wouldn't be able to climb up those stairs and enter that room again soon. 

* * *

 

Lexa managed to sit at the kitchen table the next morning after she had made breakfast for everyone, so her sleeping arrangement of the previous night would not be discussed. 

After watching Echo attack the stack of waffles she had made and consequently watching Indra scold her daughter, she told them she had to go. She was meeting Anya at their house, the barbecue started in 3 hours, so that would leave them plenty of time to discuss things.

Before she was about to call Nyko to pick her up, Echo stopped her and guided her to the garage.

"Tilly." Lexa whispered looking at her old motorcycle. "How-" She looked at Echo with a wide smile.

"You asked me to give her a good home, and I did." Lexa laughed and hugged Echo, thanking her for keeping her motorcycle. Echo handed her the keys and her old helmet.

"You know, it's yours-"

"Stop, Lex. It's always been yours, we were just holding onto it." Lexa hugged her again and took Tilly out. She rode her all the way to Anya's house and relished the feeling of wind gliding through her hair. She drank in the freedom that came with it.

Soon enough the short felt bliss died when she stopped in front of Anya's house. She took off her helmet. Next, she knocked on the door, waiting for Anya. A few seconds later, Anya greeted her and let her in. She decided they could sit in the backyard, enjoy the sun and keep their hands busy while cleaning the tables and barbecue equipment.

She threw a pair of yellow gloves at her sister and looked at her playfully.

After scrubbing the barbecue and getting rid of the dirt, Lexa sighed wiping some sweat from her forehead. She eyed her sister, no words had been exchanged and Lexa needed to have this conversation. She knew this was only a way to stay busy, but they were bound to have this conversation at some point, on top of that they had planned to have it now.

"When does Emori come home?" This seemed to spark some anger in Anya.

 _'Good_.' Lexa wanted her sister to scream at her if that's what it took to finally clear the air.

"Not for another hour." She muttered quietly. "You're not doing it right." Anya stated when she looked at Lexa. The brunette stopped scrubbing but continued a second later.

"I'm doing just fine."

"No."

"Anya, I'm doing it the right way." Lexa was annoyed now. "Besides, I'm not even here for that. What are we doing?"

"We're cleaning."

"Thank you for that insight." Anya clenched her jaw but continued cleaning. In the midst of her frustration, Lexa handled the gas tank a bit too carelessly, and subsequently, Anya steamed with anger.

"Be careful!" Anya jumped to Lexa's side and took the tank out of her hands aggressively.

"Alright!" Lexa said with a high pitched voice. "I had it."

"Really? I'm sorry if I don't trust with gas related things." Lexa widened your eyes.

"Okay. Are we finally going to have this conversation now?" Lexa asked and Anya huffed.

"Sure, why not, let's." Anya was seething with anger. The problem was, they didn't. Nothing happened, they only stared at each other in anger until Anya groaned, with tears in her eyes and stomped back inside the house.

"Anya." Lexa sighed regretfully. Well, this was going well. She followed her sister. "Anya-"

"Why did you come back?" Anya was washing her hands in the sink, clearly trying to hide her tears. Her voice was betraying her, it cracked and bent in all directions.

"I've wanted to come back for a long time."

"So why haven't you?"

"I was trying to get my life back together." Anya looked at her and without missing a beat, Lexa added, "I was afraid. After what happened, I thought you'd hate me. You kicked me out. What was I supposed to do?"

"Why do you keep saying I kicked you out. I left you with a choice! And you took it." She snarled angrily. She looked as if both exhaustion and hurt had consumed her.

 

_Lexa?" Anya entered their house and immediately noticed the smoke. "Lexa! Emori!" That's when she found Lexa passed out on the couch, with coke lined up on their coffee table. She quickly rushed to the kitchen where the soup she had made was burning, thick white smoke coated the kitchen._

_"Emori!" Anya was panicking. She climbed up the stairs but her daughter was not in her crib. "Emori!" She cried and ran back downstairs, attempting to wake Lexa. "Where is she?!" She screamed and Lexa woke up._

_"What?"_

_"Where is Emori?" She was shaking her sister's shoulder. Lexa looked at her but didn't say anything."Say something. Lexa!" She shook her again but only tears came out of her eyes and she watched her older sister with glazed eyes. Finally, she spotted her two-year-old under the coffee table, on the floor. Her heart leaped into her throat._

_"Oh God." She picked her up, and the girl woke up instantly, crying for being woken so abruptly. "Emori?" She seemed fine._

_Later that night Anya came back from the hospital, being reassured everything was fine. When she finally entered her home again, after making sure Lexa couldn't touch anything and would be babysat by Echo, she put Emori to bed and told Echo to go home._

_She looked at her sister, who was now sleeping in her bed but could no longer contain her anger. Every night, she found her, either drunk or drugged up, or with some random girl. She wasn't here anymore. It was like Costia took her sister with her when she died._

_She shook her and the brunette woke up, mumbling something incomprehensible._

_"Lexa. I can't do this anymore." She kneeled down and cupped Lexa's face. Lexa furrowed her brows, obviously confused. "I need you to get help." She pleaded on her knees with her sister, who again did not react. She looked away but Anya reached for her chin and turned her gaze back to hers. "I need you back. Please." Lexa barely spoke these days, she looked at Anya with exhausted eyes. By now Anya didn't know what to do. If she had come home hours later, after trusting Lexa to look after Emori, perhaps the house might've been on fire, or Emori might've accidentally digested the drugs Lexa was taking._

_"I can't do this anymore. I won't. Either you get help, or you get out." Lexa for once looked at her sister attentively. Lexa searched Anya's eyes and finally nodded understandingly._

_"Fine." She spoke and got up. Momentarily, Anya rejoiced in finally getting through to her sister, but when she noticed the bag her sister was filling with clothes, she knew she had lost her for good._

_"You're leaving?"_

_"You're kicking me out." Anya wanted to say no or ask where she would even go, but her thoughts returned to Emori and the danger she had been put in._

_"That's it? You're giving up? Fine. Go then. Get out, and don't come back!" Anya cried pushing Lexa down the hallway and towards the stairs._

 

"I needed you to stay and get yourself together."

"You _needed me_? What about me huh? Everyone always needed me, but what about me?" She cried. "I did my part after Costia died. I kept all the crews together, under me. I did my part! I didn't go to war. But God Anya, after that, I needed some time to mourn. I couldn't look at Nia every single day, knowing she was the one at fault. She made up that 'rebellion' and got Costia killed. She was going to kill Lincoln and Nyko, and me had I not done what I did. I needed some time before I could do that. I couldn't deal with mourning the one I loved and keeping that crown on my head Anya."

"It was your crown though Lex. It was yours. You were our commander and you left." Lexa looked up hoping to contain some of her tears. "You could've talked to me." Her voice was hushed.

"How was I supposed to tell you that it wasn't enough? That your support wasn't enough. That knowing all my people were safe wasn't enough. I wanted to die Anya, and for a while there I did." Anya was shocked. Lexa sighed and rested her hands on the kitchen isle.

"I know that doesn't excuse what I did. That night with Emori, all those nights," She closed her eyes, shuddering at the possible consequences. "If I could take anything back, that would be it. I know it's not much, but it's the thing I regret most."

Anya nodded. She pinched the bridge of her nose before she rubbed her temples. "What happened afterward?"

"I went to a shelter." Anya's eyes flashed up, even more stunned than before. "I got therapy, I got better." Anya nodded.

"And now?"

"I don't know what to tell you, Anya. I'm okay." Anya nodded again but then shook her head and huffed.

"What am I supposed to do Lex? I still don't trust you. I- I just wanted my sister back and you left and- I don't know what to do." she said miserably.

"Give me a chance to win your trust back." Lexa whispered and Anya looked at her. "Please." Anya sighed.

"And what if you can't?"

"Then, at least, I tried." Anya nodded, then sighed feeling exasperated.

"Can we talk some more, maybe more calmly? I have questions." Anya stated awkwardly. Lexa brightened at her sister's request. She nodded and they both sat down on the couch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was kind of an exhausting chapter to write. hmm maybe I'm just hungry lol. Anyways I realize this was yet again Lexa heavy, Clarke and others will make more of an appearance next chapter! 
> 
> Thank you for the kudos and comments :) It means a lot. See you next Sunday folks.


	15. Chapter 15

They sat in silence for a prolonged period of time, neither of them intending to have the silence drawn out this long. Finally Anya, who initially had said she had some questions, asked her first one.

"How long were you in that shelter?" Lexa looked up and held Anya's gaze. She looked down and shrugged.

"Almost a year. Well, in a home technically." She said quietly. Anya felt a diverse set of emotions swirling in her chest. The thought alone of her little sister being in a place she couldn't imagine was too much for her. This girl sitting beside her was the same fourteen-year-old Lexa that cried in her arms when their parents died. Who was taking care of her?

"What was it like?" She asked slowly. Lexa sighed and reluctantly thought back. She was extremely grateful for places like Midnight Ministry and Child Services that helped her where she got now, but it was hard looking back.

"It was-" Lexa breathed out, hoping to find her words. "It was okay, I guess. I had food and a roof over my head." Anya winced. Before she could ask another question Lexa added, feeling the need to tell her big sister the whole thing, "I went to a local shelter first, we talked about possibilities. When child services came into play, they tried to place me with a foster family, but that never really happened, nor did I want it to."

Anya nodded, remembering Social Services calling her and asking her what had happened. It pained her to think back to that particular phone call. A lump formed in the back of her throat when she remembered refusing to reconcile with Lexa. A bitter taste of regret contaminated her mouth as it had done once before when she tried reaching out to Lexa again, not long after. Maybe everything would have been different had she agreed then. Maybe Lexa wouldn't have turned her away when she tried reaching out to her 6 months after Social Services had contacted her. Lexa was reaching out now, though, and one of them had to let go of their anger or they would never be able to reconnect. Anya closed her eyes and nodded to herself.  

"Then, I met Titus. He helped me, he got me into a group home in Chicago, where I stayed for almost a year." She smiled thinking back to the man that had basically saved her. "I got therapy and they helped me get into Theodosia. I even got a scholarship." Lexa smiled.

"I'm sorry, Lex," Anya said feeling like she had to apologize. Lexa frowned and shook her head.

"Why are _you_ apologizing?" Lexa kept shaking her head. "I was broken Ahn. I just- After Costia, it's like everything was gray. I am so sorry for what I put you through." Anya nodded. It wasn't until she felt the urge to reach out to Lexa that she realized she felt an equally large urge to cry and let her feelings flow, like water. She did reach out to her sister and hugged her. For the longest time she thought she would never be able to this again and when Lexa hugged her back, she felt like a piece of her had returned home.

Anya wanted to ask more, wanted to know what kind of therapy and whether she had been medicated. What about her drinking? What about that particular night with Emori? What did Lexa remember?

Unfortunately, by that time the doorbell rang and Anya knew it was Luna returning Emori from her play date. She sighed and stood up, after squeezing Lexa's palm.

Lexa heard a light squeal when Anya opened the door. Anya, alongside Luna and her son Zoran, entered the house. Zoran was 2 years older than Emori and had taken on a brotherly role. Both kids came in screaming and running through the house. It put a smile on Lexa's face.

"Let's try to get this barbecue organized huh?" Luna said putting a hand on Anya's shoulder. Then, she noticed Lexa sitting on the couch and she arched her eyebrows. She wasn't a very expressive woman but in this moment, she allowed herself a smile. She nodded at Lexa, an acknowledgment the brunette knew to be significant. Lexa nodded and smiled, hoping to convey all the gratitude and kindness in that one expression.

"Yes, let's." Lexa also added and walked out, glancing at Emori. She wanted to reach out to her, hug her, but she respected Anya's reservations and trust issues. She would not ruin the progress they just made, minutes ago.

* * *

 

"Smells pretty good," Echo said when she approached Lexa hours later. The brunette was cooking some burgers on the grill as most of their block arrived. Unfortunately, most of the people she once called hers and vowed to protect had shied away from her presence. They avoided her, her and the grill.

"You seem to be the only one brave enough to approach this grill." Echo shrugged and looked at the deliciously cooked meat.

"I wanted the spicy burger and we all know you make the best ones," Echo stated which made Lexa smile. She nodded and lifted one paddy off the grill and started assembling the burger tentatively. Echo glanced over her shoulder and pursed her lips. The rest of their crew had kept themselves at a calculated distance. She sighed and gave Lexa a pitiful look.

"Just give them time. No one has seen you in years. There is bound to be an adjustment period."

"I'm only here for New Year's eve, no adjustment needed." Lexa snapped unintentionally. Echo shifted awkwardly and nodded after she thanked Lexa for the burger and approached her mother, who stood at the other side of the courtyard. Lexa sighed and closed her eyes, regretting sounding so harsh. She didn't blame any of them. If she were here to stay, she would be able to gain their trust and take care of them once more, but that wasn't why she was here. She would never go back to this life, she couldn't, it nearly killed her.

About a half an hour later, after a few more hushed whispers and awkward gossip, the party finally started finding its rhythm and the tension, that divided them before, was slowly dissolving. Some people had even spoken to Lexa and the odd few had hugged her, asking her where she had been all these years.

It wasn't that people weren't understanding of what happened after Costia died, it's that their whole crew was left without a leader from one week to the other. Lexa had slowly started to decline after she managed to keep the peace between the crews and even bring them together. She had appointed Gustus to keep everything in order. When she decided to go out one night with Ontari, everything went downhill. One night became two, and that became a week, till a point Lexa just stopped showing up. Gustus had reached out but the brunette was gone, mentally that is. She was no longer the leader they needed. She was going out, ignoring her responsibilities, drinking and smoking pot once in a while.

Anya beckoned Lexa to sit down next to her at the table she had just set. All the meat had been cooked and the salads had been placed on the table. Lexa smiled and sat down between Anya and Luna. She looked up and enjoyed the color the tea lights gave the crisp nightly sky. You would think it would be too cold to eat outside, but they had managed to place heaters to keep warm and the wind wasn't too bad if present at all. Anya had told everyone that they would eat inside the minute it got a bit colder, which in the end it did.

They sat inside and ate the dessert Indra had brought. After chewing down on some of the bananas that were in her ice cream, Lexa tempted another glance at Emori. She smiled at the little girl, even though she was fighting with Zoran at that particular moment. Anya followed Lexa's gaze and scolded the little girl. When Emori ignored her mother, Anya sighed feeling frustrated and placed her napkin on the table, while standing up harshly.

"Emori Alexandria Woods, you will give that toy back now!" She said raising her finger. The little girl gaped at her mother with a slight twinkle in her eye. She pouted and gave the orange truck back to Zoran, who subsequently stuck out his tongue to her. Anya shook her head and sat back down at the table. Lexa gave her fleeting smile, then a knock on the door interrupted the party and confused most guests.

"Are we expecting anyone else?" Lincoln asked but Anya shook her head and made a face.

"I'll open the door."

"Hey, hon." Lexa heard a familiar voice say when she entered the living room. She turned pale when she saw Ontari standing in her living room, with an annoyed  looking Anya by her side.

"Just returning this. Nia will want to talk to you tomorrow." She stated when she stood in front of Gustus. Then she noticed Lexa and her eyes widened.

"Lexa?" She said smiling, but something malevolent translated in her expression. Lexa was almost hyperventilating.

"Thank you Ontari." Anya said already urging the girl to leave.

"Since when have you been back? We should totally hang out for New Year's eve!"

"Goodbye, Ontari." Anya stated and the girl didn't protest, she allowed Anya to push her out of the door, already planning on telling Nia all about this. Lexa blinked harshly and stood up.

"Excuse me." She muttered, but she didn't know where she would excuse herself to. She decided on the bathroom a few doors away from the living room. She heard Anya call her name but she ignored it as she needed to calm down. What was more prominent is the particular surge of guilt Ontari prompted. All her past mistakes came flashing back and she just wanted to cry. She sat down on the toilet and breathed out while holding her head in her hands.

 

_"You coming out tonight?"_

_"I have to watch Emori, so no." She had just put the soup on the stove and picked out one of Emori's favorite movies to watch._

_"Well, we can party here," Ontari said mischievously. Lexa cocked her head sideways and smirked._

_"I can't alright?" She said almost chuckling. These days the only thing that made the pain dull, was going out, trying to have fun. Ontari seemed to be the only one that allowed her to do so. Everyone else just wanted her to perform her duties, no matter what the consequences were for her mental state._

_"Come on, I brought wine and another treat." Lexa arched an eyebrow. She looked at Emori, who she was bouncing her hip, and shrugged. "You can always put her in her playpen." Lexa pursed her lips and considered the suggestion. No real harm could come to her if she was in enclosed environment. Plus she wouldn't drink that much, just enough to dull the most present pain, which swirled in her chest at a constant rate._

_"Maybe a little wine." She put Emori in her playpen beside the couch and allowed Ontari to pour her some wine._

_The night progressed further and by now Lexa was starting to feel drunk. She should be putting Emori in her crib. The girl had been in her playpen for hours though she didn't seem too fussed. She was playing with her blocks and seemed very content doing so.  She really should get some food down her own throat as well, but she felt numb. She reckoned she could sober up with some water, then put the girl in her crib upstairs and eat something. Everything would be fine._

_"Okay, you ready for the real deal?" Lexa frowned and looked up when her train of thought was disrupted by Ontari's voice._

_"The real deal?" The minute she voiced the  question Ontari took out a small bag with white powder in it. Lexa widened her eyes. She had dealt drugs, but never really taken anything stronger than pot. 'A drug dealer shouldn't become a drug addict, that is bad for business.' she had always said._

_"I don't know Ontari-"_

_"Come on!" Ontari laid out a line on the table and Lexa started to feel nervous. She looked at the white substance and gulped, then she stepped forward, sitting down, next to Ontari. "This is some expensive shit and I know it's good stuff since I got it from our own network. It's safe." By this point, Lexa had forgotten about Emori and could only think of the possible euphoria and surge of energy she would possibly get from this. Maybe she would feel alive, just for a little bit, just one tiny moment of relief from the hell she had been living in._

_After that, her memory turned black and she couldn't remember anything. The next thing she knew, she was half awake and Anya was crying, with Emori in her arms. Ontari was gone._

"Lexa!" Anya knocked on the door hoping her sister would not crawl back into her shell. She didn't want to fight for their relationship, she needed Lexa to fight for it. She was done fighting. Lexa shook her head and hoped to gather some courage to open the door. She didn't realize it was taking longer than it felt because the next thing she heard, was Anya whispering, "Please don't do this."

Lexa stood up and unlocked the door after hearing how broken her sister sounded. Anya took in the sight of her sister, her eyes swollen and distressed.

"Hey, come on," She said softly. "She's gone." Lexa nodded.

"I'm sorry, Anya." Lexa blurted out. "God, I'm so sorry." Lexa's voice splintered but Anya shook her head, taking pity on her sister. She hugged her tightly.

"Just, don't hang out with her. She's a bad influence." Lexa shook her head.

"I won't." Anya nodded and squeezed Lexa's shoulder. A part of her was hoping this sign of affection wouldn't indicate they were completely okay. The comfort, unfortunately, came naturally. She couldn't just let her little sister cry on the toilet.

"Now, come on. Come back to the table and finish your dessert." Lexa seemed hesitant and Anya sighed. "No one here is judging you. I know Ontari is a catalyst of bad memories for all of us, but we all do still love you, Lexa." She admitted and a glimmer of hope twinkled in Lexa's eyes.  "It's just trust- that might take a while." and we that Lexa's face fell. She nodded and allowed Anya to guide her back to her seat. It was awkward, but not unbearably so.

* * *

 

Later that day Clarke found herself looking at her phone impatiently. She scolded herself under her breath for thinking Lexa would call her when she said she would. It made the hurtful pit at the bottom of her stomach grow. She just didn't understand. Lexa like her right? She knew something was between them, she wasn't that pathetic, and she certainly wasn't imaging things.

As she was just about to throw her phone away and not look at it for the rest of night, considering Wells was coming over and they were going to head out to a club in Milwaukee, her phone rang. She jumped on the bed, faster than she liked to admit, and immediately unlocked her phone. She picked up and grinned when she heard the familiar voice at the other end of the line.

"Hey!" Clarke said a bit too excitedly. "You called!"

" _I told you I would. Why do you sound so surprised?"_  Clarke looked at the clock and it was nearly 7 pm.

"No, I'm not-" She lied, then she rolled her eyes. "Okay, maybe a little. I almost, kind of gave up." She said and indirectly admitting she had been waiting for the phone call.

" _I'm sorry it's so late. I'll give you a time next time. I had a busy day."_ Clarke nodded and smiled into the phone.

"Tell me more?" She heard Lexa hum on the other side of the line.

" _It actually went okay with my sister, better than I thought."_ She could hear the excitement, however, contained, in the brunette's voice. _"We had a barbecue with some of my old friends here and well it was kind of awkward, but it went well in the end. I think I'm making progress."_

"That's great Lexa." Clarke smiled. "Wait, a barbecue in December?"

 _"I know right? I've been telling Anya for years that her tradition is ridiculous. It's always something outside around New Year's. Seriously? I mean, it's cold. Why are we outside, when there is an inside?"_ Clarke chuckled. It was rare to find Lexa speaking so openly, and even in a quirky, rambling kind of manner. It made her hope for the future. This Lexa made Clarke's heart soar. Then they both paused for a moment before Clarke broke the silence. "Lexa?"

" _Yeah?"_

"What happened between you and your sister?" She heard Lexa sigh and she imagined the brunette pinching the bridge of her nose or scratching the back of her neck.

 _"I- I made a very big mistake."_ Clarke was disappointed with Lexa's ambiguity. She perked up though when Lexa continued. " _I put-"_ She groaned mid sentence, _"I put my niece in danger one night. I was in a really bad state-"_ She sighed again and Clarke even detected a sniff _. "Do you mind if we talk about this in person? I'd like to tell you...I don't even know if I'm ready right now, but when I am, I'd rather do it face to face."_ Clarke was impressed with Lexa's honesty.

"Yeah of course." She heard Lexa's relieved breath blow into the speakers.

" _What are you doing tonight?"_

"I'm having some drinks with an old friend of mine. We used to hang out a lot, then he moved. Good thing our grandparents live in the same vicinity, though, so we get to hang out around the holidays."

 _"Sounds really nice."_ At this particular moment, Clarke's phone buzzed and she was getting another call, it was Octavia. Clarke rolled her eyes.

"Lexa? Can you hold on, I'm getting another call. It's Octavia and I don't feel like dealing with her discontent if I leave her hanging."

 _"I should go anyways. Besides, I know Octavia. She'll be happy to talk to you and have you to herself."_ Clarke cursed Octavia mentally. She didn't want Lexa to go. She almost whined. _"Same time tomorrow? Or maybe at midnight. I kind of like this calling thing."_ Lexa chuckled awkwardly and Clarke grinned. She even bit her lip, trying to contain her excitement. If she was being honest, Lexa sounded tired. Her responses were dry but she could tell the brunette was trying, which indicated that Clarke wasn't kidding herself.

"Yeah, me too." Clarke smiled. "I'll talk to you tomorrow." She said reluctantly and Lexa echoed her words. She hung up and picked up on Octavia's call.

"What?" She said sounding frustrated.

" _Hello to you too, Clarke."_

"Why are you calling?"

 _"Why are you so defensive?"_ She heard Octavia laugh. " _Did I interrupt something?"_ She knew Octavia was making a sexual joke but in truth she really did interrupt something.

"I just- I was on the phone with someone else and they left instead of waiting because they wanted me to be able to talk to properly, because they're nice and considerate. " Clarke huffed.

" _Was this other person Lexa?"_ Clarke remained silent and answered Octavia's question by doing so." _Look, I'm sorry okay? I just needed to talk to you about Raven."_

Clarke frowned feeling worried. Octavia had mentioned the Finn breakdown but nothing more, no details.

" _I've been trying to get through to her, she just keeps brushing me off every time I ask about Finn. I need the trinity to do their job, and you're part of the trinity. I need you to do your job."_ Clarke sighed but smiled. She nodded and thought about what Octavia was telling her.

"It's Raven. Unless she's drunk, she won't open up, we both know this."

" _So what? I should get her drunk?"_ Octavia asked angrily.

"No!" Clarke stated dragging out the o. "I'm saying let her come to you. You can be too pushy sometimes, alright? Baby steps. She's like a bird eating out of your hand, one wrong move and you'll scare her off. Just be patient and stop asking about it. She'll come to you when she's ready.

_"I guess. I'm just worried."_

"I know." Clarke knew Octavia meant well, she always meant well. She had such a strong personality, too strong sometimes. "How about this, if it's still not sorted when we get back to school, we can have a girls night. We can make her favorite food and all that jazz. It worked last time?"

" _Yeah, okay."_

* * *

 

A shower, some YouTube videos, and a drawing session later, Wells rang the door. Clarke jumped up and barged down the stairs. She hadn't seen her friend in over a year and was really excited to hang out with him. He was, after all, her only competition when it came to chess. This particular thought prompted her to question whether she could convince Lexa to play some chess with her? Maybe the brunette even liked it? Maybe the brunette was good at it? All good questions. She made a mental note to save them and to ask her about it next time she had her on the phone.

Clarke's grandfather had already invited Wells inside and squeezed his shoulder.

"Your date is here." He smiled happily and Clarke gave him a tight smile. There wasn't a bigger shipper than her grandfather when it came to Wells. Ever since they were little. He had even started calling him his grandson-in-law. To be fair, in all technicality, they were married. Only the rings had been made from aluminum and they were 5. Clarke hugged Wells and they both looked at each other with smiles plastered all over their faces.

"Wells!" Abby said happily, coming out of the kitchen. She hugged him tightly then asked, "How's your dad? He should come over tomorrow afternoon for some New Year cakes."

"I'll be sure to tell him. He already asked about your New Year cakes, so I'm guessing the answer will be yes." He laughed. He then cocked his head as if to ask Clarke whether she was ready. She nodded and grabbed her coat.

"Let's go." They made their way to his car.

"I'm so excited to check out this place," Wells said as he was driving.

"Me too! I've really missed you."

"Same here Clarkey. I mean it's kind of illegal to not see my 'wife' this long." Clarke laughed and nodded. It had been a running joke for years, even though neither of them had ever felt anything more than friendship.

They made it to Starnleys about 20 minutes later. Thankfully it was an '18 and up club' so they didn't have to bust out their fake ID's. Then again, Wells didn't have one so they wouldn't be going at all. It was a club with live jazz music as that was Wells' favorite. Again Clarke found herself wondering if Lexa enjoyed jazz equally as much. She was a music major after all.

"So, how's life?" Wells asked. "I mean I see pictures on your Instagram, which are mostly dance and art related, but I don't know anything that has been happening here," He said, dramatically tapping his chest, over his heart. He sighed even more dramatically which prompted Clarke to punch his arm playfully.

"I- I don't know. Nothing, I guess." Clarke said staring down into her drink. Wells arched an eyebrow.

"Dude, I've seen your relationship status on Facebook." Clarke closed her eyes. She had forgotten to take it down after they had decided to stop their stupid little game.

"I- okay." Clarke groaned. "It's not what you think." She would be honest. She couldn't tell another lie, especially not to him.

"Okay?"

"It was fake, kind of to get my mother to stop whining. You know what she's like." Wells nodded but his frown indicated he needed more explanation. Clarke shrugged and slumped a little in her seat.

"There was a rumor and we just went with it. She used me for my connections and I used her as a date whenever those stupid benefits came up. My mom really did leave me alone, which was nice." Wells smirked.

"Well, okay? That's a story to tell your grandchildren. " He chuckled. He didn't judge, which was one of the best things about Wells. "She's hot, though. I've stalked her."

"Wells!" Clarke shrieked and she felt her cheeks burn. Again he arched an eyebrow.

"I'm guessing there's more to it?" Clarke rolled her eyes. She started laughing and hid her face. He couldn't believe it, he echoed her expression and joined in on the laughter. He kept shaking his head.

"Your life is a teen novel, Clarke. You have succeeded. Your lifelong dream of being a dramatic telenovela star has finally been fulfilled." Clarke groaned.

"Shut up!" She giggled.

* * *

 

While browsing on her computer a little after midnight, Lexa found herself constantly stalking Clarke's facebook page. She had stopped being self-conscious about it. 'Stalker and proud' she had told herself. She was going through the pictures when she noticed two new ones had been uploaded.

"Reunited with my long lost wife! It has been too long, the separation has been unbearable!" The description said. Under it, she saw Clarke with a boy next to her. They were giggling. The next picture was them making faces and sticking out their tongues. She looked really happy. The word wife seemed to ignite a feeling she hadn't had in a while, jealousy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the late update! I was working on my dissertation proposal yesterday and I just didn't find the time to for this. I promise I'll try to keep my updates on Sundays.  
> Thank you for the kudos and comments everyone <3  
> See you next week folks ;)


	16. Chapter 16

_"You did not just throw that pillow on the ground?" Lexa looked at Costia horrified. She gaped at her and felt slightly outraged. That was a good pillow, it would get dirty on the ground. She almost sank into the bed and wanted to mutter 'be more respectful towards my pillows.'_

_"The bed is overflowing with pillows Lexa."_

_"So?"_

_"So, I'd like to sit on the bed without having to make room for all your pillows." Lexa cast her eyes downwards and started brooding. She was genuinely displeased with her girlfriend right now. Costia huffed and rolled her eyes. She adjusted the blinds a little so no one could peek through and then locked the door though Lexa was too busy sulking to notice._

_"You still shouldn't do that Cos', seriously." Lexa huffed, her eyes still pinned to the floor._

_"Why would you eve-" Next, Costia stripped down her pants and discarded the top she was wearing, leaving her completely naked. Now, Lexa did look up, her eyes wide and filled with astonishment. Costia smirked and stepped over the pillow, then straddled Lexa's lap._

_"Shh." She hushed Lexa and started kissing her deeply. Lexa's breath caught in her throat and her center started throbbing heavily and almost instantly. Her girlfriend had literally stripped down to shut her up, not that Lexa was complaining. Costia pinned Lexa to the bed and started nipping at her neck. She wanted to reach for her waist but Costia aggressively pushed Lexa's wrists into the mattress._

_"Did I tell you, you could touch me?" She asked playfully, and in turn, Lexa closed her eyes and swallowed deeply. She chuckled feeling Costia's lips teasing her neck, licking and nibbling on the sensitive skin._

_When she opened her eyes, blue eyes looked back at her. Then it was milky skin matching hers, instead of darker contrasting it. It was golden hair instead of black. Her heart hammered in her chest. She smiled back at her and the blonde kissed her deeply. She brushed her fingertips over Lexa's hip. Soon, subtle brushes became harsher and the blonde was squeezing Lexa's thighs and grinding into her, and consequently Lexa followed her, bucking her hips while searching for further friction. She couldn't suppress a moan when the girl on top of her brushed her fingers over the brunette's nipples._

Lexa surged forward, breathing heavily. She felt the damp fabric of her pajamas sticking to her back. The humidity between her legs was also hard to miss, alongside how turned on she felt right now. She noted the amount of flutters residing in her stomach still and smiled a little, somehow feeling relieved but terrified at the same time.  

Then, she thought of Costia and it all came crashing down. Her dream had started out as a memory, a funny one, an arousing one. Lexa bent her knees and rested her elbows on them while she grated her nails over her scalp, through her hair. She screwed her eyes shut and whimpered. The overwhelming weight of guilt overpowered the flutters she felt only a few moments ago when she allowed herself to admit that she was dreaming about Clarke and how much she wanted that dream to be reality.

She had stalked Clarke on every possible platform of social media only a few hours before. Every snap chat or tweet hoisted her into an envious frenzy. No, a jealous frenzy. She couldn't deny the fear she sensed when she thought of Clarke with someone else. Of course, she wanted to be the one to spend time with Clarke, but that wasn't the problem at this point. What sent her heart into an uncomfortable pulse, was the thought of Clarke with someone that wasn't her. The thought that she had missed her chance. The bitter taste of copper regret on her tongue would cause her eyes to burn, not only due to painful desperation but because of an unbearable sense of guilt.

She wasn't ready, she knew that. The fear of losing someone she loved again and simultaneously betraying someone she had already lost was so overpowering.

Lexa laid back down and looked at the ceiling of the guest room Anya had allowed her to stay in. Anya had done well. She did wonder how she managed to buy a three bedroom house, but she wouldn't question her sister, not now. It was only now she noticed the sunbeams shining through the curtains. It was morning. She thought she had woken in the middle of the night but now that she paid closer attention, she could hear birds instead of painful ringing. She heard Emori giggling downstairs and Anya murmuring muffled scolds. She sighed and sat back up. She ran one hand through her hair once more and prepared herself to face the day, or more specifically the night.

It's was New Year's eve tonight. She was a little nervous about going out with her old friends. Even more so, was having dinner with Anya. She swallowed deeply and stood up, then stretched her shirt over her hips and left the guest room.

Anya was making pancakes in the kitchen as Emori ran around with a pinecone in her hand. Lexa quirked an eyebrow as the little brunette ran past her. She followed Emori briefly before turning her attention to Anya. She smiled shyly when her sister turned to greet her.

"Here." She said authoritatively and placed three pancakes on the plate. "Eat." Lexa wasn't particularly hungry, not after that dream and the semi-panic attack she managed to avoid not long after. Looking at Anya though, she knew refusing breakfast would create tension. She picked a fork from the dishwasher and dug in.

After she had barely managed to eat her first pancake, Anya looked at her quizzically.

"Are you okay?" Lexa looked up, startled. Her mind had been swerving in all directions and only now had it come to a stop. She didn't manage to not think about Clarke, nor did she manage to exclude Costia from those thoughts.

"Yeah," Lexa said, her face neutral as ever. Anya frowned, knowing exactly what that face meant. Her walls were up and her sister was hiding things from her.

"Don't," Anya muttered and sat down in front of her.

"Don't what?" Lexa answered easily, thinking her faked ignorance sounded convincing, but only managed to annoy her sister more.

"Lexa." Anya sighed. "I know we haven't exactly been on the best terms lately, but I know you. I know that look. Just tell me, so I don't have to worry." A sudden sense of remorse dug between Lexa's ribs. Last time she used this mask it was to conceal her destructive habits after Costia died.

"It's nothing, I promise. I just had a bad dream."

"You want to talk about it?" Lexa was playing with her second pancake and shrugged.

"Not really."  Anya puckered her lips and sighed silently. 

"How's that school of yours going?" Anya said hoping to cheer her sister up by changing the subject. Little did she know that she was only reminding Lexa of what or rather who she had been thinking of.

"It's nice." Lexa smiled, aiming for enthusiasm but only achieving so much. Anya sighed and Lexa did not succeed in adding anything else to appease her sister.

"Right." Anya stood up, feeling disappointed and excluded. Lexa opened her mouth, but nothing came out. She wanted to reach out to her but Anya had already turned her back. Lexa almost groaned and shut her eyes, feeling extremely frustrated at herself. 

"I'm going to get dressed." Anya merely nodded but kept her attention of washing the dishes. Lexa sighed climbing up the stairs. She entered the bathroom, leaving the door unlocked and started brushing her teeth. In the meantime, she heard a small voice uttering incomprehensible sounds. They became louder until Emori stepped into the bathroom and it became clear she used the pinecone as a plane to play with. She froze when she noticed Lexa and widened her eyes, dropping her pinecone in the action. She ran out and Lexa spat out the toothpaste.

"Emori, wait!" She said picking up the pinecone. When she opened the door two big brown eyes looked up at her. She almost knocked her over as she hadn't expected her niece to actually wait. "Hey," Lexa said softly and kneeled down. "Don't you want this?" She said handing her the pinecone. Emori nodded and ran away. Lexa sighed and stood up though the little girl ran back out of what would appear to be her room.

"Lexa?" She said with a small voice.

"Yeah." Lexa was surprised her niece even knew her name let alone speak it.

"Don't leave again." With that, she left Lexa standing in the hallway. The brunette had not expected the little girl to remember her. It seemed that she did, but she was only two when she left. How did she even remember her? Lexa exhaled out a shaky breath and turned back into the bathroom. She glanced at her reflection and examined her tired face. Puffing out another long breath she turned and locked the door as she intended to shower. 

 

* * *

 

"Alright let's do this." Octavia hummed, standing in the kitchen with her hands on her hips, sometime in the afternoon. She wanted to get a head start on dinner. She hoped to have it ready by 6 so they could leave by 9 or 10. 

She looked around happily and then bent down as she started putting pots and pans on the counter. Soon after she started getting the vegetables she wanted to prepare, out of the fridge, Raven made an appearance.

"Are you cooking?"

"No, I'm dancing with these zucchinis." Octavia answered sarcastically and wobbled with a zucchini in each hand, cradling them like to babies. Raven rolled her eyes a little and tilted her head, almost standing on her toes to inspect the rest of the items placed on the counter. There was minced meat, some fresh herbs, garlic, tomatoes, onions. She raised an eyebrow.

"What are you making?"

"Stuffed Zucchini amongst other things." Octavia smiled. "I'm not letting us go out and get super drunk without at least having a good meal."

"What about your parents?" Raven looked around realizing she hadn't seen either of Octavia's parents since this morning. She had gotten so preoccupied fixing their old radio, partially as a thank you, and partially because she just liked fixing things, that she hadn't noticed their absence.

"They went to a hotel for the night." Octavia said, her tone sounding disgusted.

"Ah, having alone time. Elias and Aurora time. Aliaurora time. Time for them. Time for the two of them alone-"

"Alright, Raven. God." Octavia said placing the knife down on the counter. "I got the picture, I do _know_ my parents, you know?" Raven smirked.

"Are you upset you're not getting any, but your parents are?"

"Pshu, please. I will be getting some tonight."

"You hurt me, wife." Raven said playfully. When they were younger, both Clarke, Octavia and Raven had made jokes that they were polygamous Boston wives. Especially after Raven came out, the jokes intensified, mostly by Raven herself. Raven lived for flirting, even with her best friends.

Octavia rolled her eyes and chuckled. "As my wife, you'd think you would be happy for me. Getting my punani on." Raven snickered. "Besides, like you're not going to get laid tonight."

"All you have to do is ask." Raven smirked. Octavia widened her eyes but then saw the playful glint in Raven's eyes and knew the brunette was back to trolling her. 

"Stop. Oh my God. I thought once Clarke started dating Lexa, this trolling of yours would stop. You don't want this, you know that. I know that." Octavia said dramatically which made Raven roar.

"Are you trying to convince me or yourself?"

"Raven!" Raven cackled louder.

"You will never know whether I'm serious or not."

"Ugh, I hate you." She said mixing the mince with some seasoning and green onions.

"Uhuh. I'll see you later." She stated grabbing a baby tomato from the counter and earning a slap on her hand from Octavia.

Hours later, Bellamy fell back into his chair and rubbed his belly. "O this was phenomenal." He said closing his eyes and licking his lips. Raven smiled shyly and nodded.

"I knew you were a good cook, but this was so amazing. Can you cook this again, at school? I will pay you to cook for me." Octavia blushed.

"Thanks, Rae, I'll cook for you at a reasonable price. You'll even get a discount."

"Haha deal!"

Bellamy looked at the clock hanging above the fireplace. It was nearly 9h30 pm. The party had started at 8, and they would have to leave soon if they wanted to be at least slightly drunk when the clock hit midnight. He raised his eyebrows at his sister. He didn't have to say anything, she could read him like a book. So she nodded and started clearing off the plates.

"Right, I cooked, you clean." She said handing the towel over to Bellamy. He didn't complain, he merely shrugged his shoulders and ushered Raven to help him. Meanwhile, Octavia climbed the stairs and started getting ready in her room.

Before she applied her make-up, she called Clarke.

When the blonde picked up she sounded out of breath. "Clarke? Are you okay?"

 _"Oh, hey O."_ Octavia frowned.

"Hey, I just wanted to call to say happy new year. I won't have the chance to really talk to you later, with all the commotion and probably intoxication." Clarke chuckled.

" _Yeah, I'm already pretty drunk."_

"You're so cheap."

_"That I am. How are Raven and Bellamy?"_

"Cleaning up. I made dinner. I made stuffed zucchini!" Clarke moaned on the other side of the line.

" _God, remind me to spend New Year's with you guys next time."_

"I don't know if I should feel offended that's the only reason that convinces you to come party with me." Clarke chuckled. Octavia's tone was playful and amused, she was far from actually offended.

_"You know I love you O."_

"I do. How is Wells? You should bring him to school again, we had such a great time last time."

 _"You had a great time because he kept telling embarrassing childhood stories. I mean Rae knew me then, but at least, she has the common decency to keep my secrets."_ Octavia snorted. If only Clarke knew. Raven had actually told her plenty, just not in front of Clarke. They weren't big secrets, Raven wouldn't actually share those, but cute little stories she knew the blonde would be too embarrassed to tell.

"That's why you must bring him more often." Clarke groaned. "What are you two up to tonight?"

 _"We're going to a club in Milwaukee. We're pre-drinking right now while we're waiting for our cab."_ Octavia grinned listening to Clarke's plans. She was happy to hear the blonde so happy. It had been a while. The last few times she had had her on the phone, especially the last few days after Lexa left, the blonde had been broody and upset. She wasn't sure what was happening between those two. It was complicated, that much was obvious, but she didn't know whether or not they were together. Clarke had already come out, so she didn't see the point in hiding if they were. Octavia, therefore, assumed that they weren't and secretly wished her friend would score tonight or meet another cute guy or girl, or well person. She didn't dislike Lexa, but she saw how much her friend was hurting. Then again Clarke had broken up with Lexa. Perhaps that was it? Lexa being too hurt to give Clarke a second chance right away, and have Clarke prove herself.

" _O? Hello?"_  Octavia blinked.

"Sorry! I spaced out. I think you should have fun tonight Clarke."

_"Uhm, yeah I will, but I asked what you were going to do?"_

_"_ Oh! Sorry. Yeah, we're going to a party." Octavia smiled. "Text me later, though? I still have to do my make-up. I just wanted to say hello and happy new year."

_"Happy New Year O."_

"Happy New Year Clarke." With that, she hung up the phone and got back to her make-up.

* * *

 

"Will you quit looking at your phone." Echo said swatting her hands at Lexa's phone after she had looked at it for the 10th time later that night. They were about an hour away from midnight and Echo was desperate to see Lexa actually enjoy herself. After a quiet dinner at Anya's place, she wanted her friend to have fun, to finally feel at ease in this city again. The curious looks Lexa received weren't helping, though. It wasn't like she wasn't known in this neighborhood, she had brought them together years ago, even if she wasn't the leader of the alliance anymore. Thanks to her leadership there were fewer deaths and more productivity. Given, it was illegal productivity, the neighborhood was thriving again. Even the cops had respected them. The people took care of their own. There were no more random drive by's. People were able to walk safely at night, and if not there would be repercussions. That was then, though. That was before Lexa left.

She had no idea how it was now, it looked fairly unchanged, except in Azgeda territory, or so she had heard. It had become one of the more dangerous territories and they had stopped listening to Gustus. Not that it surprised Lexa. Nia had after all killed Costia. She felt like it had been in vain now. She allowed Nia in her alliance only to see it crumble now. She looked down into her drink and let the disappointment sink in. She knew now she shouldn't have left, but she also knew she wouldn't have survived had she stayed. There were plenty of feelings swirling around tonight. She thought of Costia and their last New Year's eve together. They had gotten stuck in traffic and watched the fireworks from her car. It wasn't glamorous, but she loved Costia and she would forever cherish that moment. You wouldn't think the best view of fireworks would be from the road, but it was. 

Then she thought of Clarke and that she wanted to call her though it wasn't midnight yet. She was anticipating it. By now, she didn't care that it would be her to call Clarke first, she didn't care the impression she would make or how pathetic she would sound. Seeing her old neighborhood and being reminded of Costia only intensified Lexa's sorrow and longing for the blonde.

"Hello!" Echo was waving at her and she displayed a small smile. "Anybody home?" Lexa's face fell and sadness swam in her eyes. "Come on Lex." Echo shook the brunette's shoulders. "I love you but you have to to snap out of it. Honestly, what has gotten into you tonight?" Lexa shrugged and smiled tightly.

"Is it Costia?" Echo attempted carefully. Lexa sighed.

"Among other things."

"Meaning that girl you were talking to."

"Yeah, I guess. Her too." Lexa finally admitted out loud. Echo smiled fondly and wrapped an arm around Lexa's shoulders.

"I have an idea." Echo stated and grabbed Lexa's hand.

A few minutes later they were standing behind the DJ booth and Echo winked at Caris who had been spinning that night. She grinned and beckoned Lexa to take her place.

"I didn't bring my laptop or anything." Lexa shouted in Echo's ear. Consequently, Echo raised an eyebrow and took out a small laptop from her bag.

"This is yours, isn't it?" Lexa regarded her old laptop carefully. She had left that at Costia's place before everything turned to hell. She hadn't touched it since Costia died, as most of the mixes she had on there were inspired by Costia. She gulped but Echo cocked her head. "Come on. Please? We have all missed you and your music." Lexa hardened her jaw and reluctantly accepted the laptop. She didn't know whether it would even boot. It was a five-year-old laptop by now, it was bound to have some problems. To her surprise, it actually worked fine.

She gasped and closed her eyes quickly when she remembered the dash was a picture of her and Costia. It took all of her strength not to close the laptop the minute she saw the image. She felt sick to her stomach. Echo held her around the waist keeping Lexa from sinking to her knees and whispered "It's okay. You haven't looked at a single picture in years, I know you haven't." Lexa was on the verge of tears. "Honey, she wouldn't want this. She'd want you to be happy, to be able to look at her and remember the happy times." Lexa attempted another look and was shaking in Echo's arms. Her heart hammered in her chest but she didn't allow her gaze to falter. 

She watched those beautiful brown eyes on the screen. Her smile, her dimples, it all made her ache. After gasping for air a few times and locking her eyes with the screen, the feeling started to pass and it became bearable. Lexa frowned feeling confused. The feeling of sick and distraught should not have left her so quickly. In that moment, she realized she wanted to keep hurting if only to remember Costia. Only the initial shock wore off and now only a dull stab in her stomach remained. 

She almost panicked thinking she had lost something somehow, but Caris waved at her and pointed to the music table. Lexa quickly opened the program she had and found most of her mixes still there. She tried to shake off the experience she underwent and focused on what mix she would use. She nodded at Caris and the girl grinned.

"Alright ladies and gents, I have a special surprise for you. Tonight Heda is in the house." Lexa gulped at the old nickname. The crowd cheered and she wasn't sure whether it was exciting her or scaring her. Caris made room for Lexa and the brunette quickly found her rhythm. It was like riding a bike, her hands found the places on the table instinctively. She allowed the muscle memory in her hands to guide her actions and soon she was bobbing with the music she was creating.

She hadn't noticed she started crying. It was only when Echo hugged her waist that she apprehended the weight which had lifted from her chest.

They allowed her to spin until midnight. She didn't have the courage to speak into the microphone. Instead, she stayed behind the music table and let Caris do the honors. The crowd cheered and counted from ten. Meanwhile, Lexa glanced at her phone, hoping Clarke might've texted her or even tried to call her but nothing.

"Happy New Year!" Sounded through the club and Lexa grinned. Both Caris and Echo enveloped her in a big hug. She laughed or sobbed, she wasn't sure, but whatever it was, it was overwhelming and in that single moment she was happy, truly happy. There was no looming guilt or backhanded hurt that remained in the background, no she was happy. She sighed in relief and wanted to call Clarke immediately. She was giddy and made her way outside.

She waited excitedly for Clarke to pick up but no answer came. If it wasn't for the happiness she was feeling she would probably have taken it much harder than she did.

"Hey, Clarke. I hope you're having a good New Year. I just played some of my music in my old neighborhood and I guess I wanted to call you and hear your voice. I don't know why I am so happy right now, but all I could think about was to call you and tell you how happy I am, and maybe how happy I am to have y-" The voicemail cut off and Lexa groaned. This is why she wanted to actually talk to Clarke. It would have to do, though. She leaned against the cold bricks and replayed some of the things that just happened in her head. On reevaluation, she was relieved the voicemail had cut her off. Her drunken state and the sudden surge of happiness might have prompted her to say things she would regret later.

* * *

 

Some hours after 12 all the way in Milwaukee, Jess a friend both Clarke and Wells shared stood, holding her phone in her hand.

"I'm in a bin Wells." Clarke grinned standing proudly in an empty bin. It wasn't crowded, this corridor was actually pretty empty as this club was extremely large.

"Clarke, what are you doing?"

"In a bin. Look at me! I look really cute." By now Jess had started filming her because this was too hilarious not to. "I am the bin lady." Clarke said seriously and both friends started cackling. "I am super bin!" She said raising her fist in the air. "Wait, no- lady. Super bin lady or something-" She started slurring and getting confused. Wells started reaching for her.

"Wells, I'm in a bin?" She asked seriously, widening her eyes and pouting her lips. It seemed as if she looked scared now and Wells was about to help her out but then she straightened her back once more, almost knocking Wells over and shouted: "Bin Lady, on her first mission!" By now some guys had passed by and started encouraging her.

"What's your first mission bin lady?" One of them asked.

"Why don't you come and find out?" She purred. Wells shook his head and shooed them away. "What? Wells! Come on they were cute! _You_ said I needed a kissing buddy tonight. Bin lady needs a love interest! Okay?" She said loudly and she looked angry. Wells shook his head, he was the only one that had sobered up by now. He tried to help her out but the bin fell down and started spinning. Consequently, Clarke spiraled out of the bin and giggled uncontrollably.

"Bin Lady has met her demise." She said dramatically rolling on her back and slapping her arms down on the concrete floor. "Tell Lexa she was the last thing on my mind." She said closing her eyes and breathing out what appeared to be her 'last breath'. Wells saw some security approaching them and he quickly tried to help her up.

"You are going to get us into so much trouble." Wells grinned then looked at Jess. "Are you still filming?" Clarke started giggling.

"Hell yeah!" Jess proclaimed.

"I'm so interesting."

"Clarke!" Wells laughed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I am so sorry for the week hiatus, it won't become a habit, I just needed to mourn, I'm still not over it. Also I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. I know it's kind of a filler, but I'm full of deadlines at the moment and I want to be able to take my time with the more important chapter.  
> Anyways thanks for the comments and kudos they are always welcome.  
> See you next week folks <3


	17. Chapter 17

When Lexa woke up she groaned loudly. She peeked through her eyelids and noticed Echo lying next to her, as well as Caris. She breathed sharply through her nose and moved her tongue around in her mouth hoping to dampen it. Her head was pounding and her stomach was not too happy either. She wasn't used to heavy drinking anymore, nor did she want to be. This was a one-time thing, though, even the party at school had not been this out of control. She then remembered leaving Clarke a voicemail and she sat up quickly, only to grasp her head in agony. The sudden change of levels had only made her hangover worse. Meanwhile, Echo stirred and grumbled under her breath for being woken so suddenly by Lexa's movements.

Lexa sighed and rubbed her face. She checked her phone and noticed it was 2 pm. She couldn't recall exactly when she made it home, but it was definitely early morning. She noticed two missed calls, both from Clarke. Her stomach flipped uncomfortably as she tried to remember the voicemail she had left. She had been so happy yesterday. What was worse is that only a few seconds after seeing Costia's face, she didn't feel guilty in wanting to call Clarke. In fact, she felt happy. So happy. Now, she felt miserable. She switched between a safe haven, which thoughts about Clarke provided and a blinding panic, which thoughts of losing Costia offered.

This is what she feared when Costia died. She still remembered her daily predicament, one she held onto for a year and had forgotten. She still remembered telling Titus.

_"What is worse? Being at peace and forgetting details about her face, her lips, the way her voice cracked when she woke up or hurting every single day remembering just that?"_

Titus had told her that her heart would go in one direction eventually, whether her mind decided to or not. The most important thing was to remember that whichever direction her heart chose, it was okay. Titus had not counted on Lexa holding on for over two years, though. Two years wasn't that long, was it? Some people held on for a lifetime.

She rested her head against the headboard and contemplated whether to call Clarke back or not. Just as she allowed some of the anxiety she was subconsciously holding onto to surface, her phone rang again. Again, Clarke's name flashed on the screen and Lexa was frozen in place, held by an anxious belt. She couldn't move, she only watched the phone ring and then stop when Echo grabbed it and hit decline.

"What is wrong with you?" She muttered sluggishly but Lexa couldn't speak. She watched the phone and instantly regretted not picking up. Then again, what would she have said? She knew she crossed a line yesterday, she was happy and she called Clarke. With morning and sobriety came rationality and guilt. Hot tears covered her cheeks and before Echo could comment on it, she rushed out of the room, clutching her phone as if it was a lifeline.

"I don't know." She muttered feeling frustrated as she slumped down onto the bathroom tiles. "I just don't know!" She said desperately clutching her head between her hands. It's like she had no control over what was happening and it was terrifying her. She just wanted it to stop, or even to pause, so she could think clearly.

"Lexa?!" Echo knocked loudly on the bathroom door.

"Just a minute!" Lexa grumbled wiping away the few tears that did pierce through. Lexa sighed and got up. She leaned on the sink, hoping to recollect her thoughts a little.

"Lexa!"

"Alright!" She said with a high pitched voice. Echo was not known for her patience, just like her sister. She unlocked the door and Echo barged in to find Lexa glaring at her. "Can I help you?" She barked.

"I need to pee." Lexa rolled her eyes and closed the door as Echo went to sit on the toilet. They had long lost any self-consciousness around each other after Anya had to bathe them both after Costia's funeral. They had lashed out at each other, competing about who had lost her more. They had turned up muddy and bruised on Anya's doorstep. It was Gustus who had dropped them off like two kittens, who were still clawing at each other. Anya had scolded them, asking them what would've happened if Indra had seen them? The woman had just lost a child, she did not need that kind of shit. Her sister had told them to enter the shower, both of them at the same time. She did not have the time nor the patience to deal with them separately. When both started spewing insults at each other, she had sprayed both of their faces, nearly choking them and commanded them to sit down and stop acting like children. There was no competition. Costia had been special to them both and trying to claim her after she died would not bring her back. After that, they had grown close, so close that they understood each other's pain better than anyone else.

"Were you crying?" Echo asked and Lexa regarded herself in the mirror. Her hair was loose and curly, and she had dark circles under her eyes. She shrugged, knowing Echo wouldn't be lied to.

"I'm just really hung-over." She said rubbing her forehead.

"At what time are you leaving today?" Echo asked trying to hide the disappointment and resentment in her voice. Lexa licked her lips.

"I don't know yet." She shrugged. Clarke was probably wondering the same thing which is most likely why she had been calling her so often. She was leaving today to go back to Milwaukee.

* * *

 

Clarke had been messaging Octavia and Raven in a group chat on Facebook all afternoon. She rolled her eyes when Octavia asked her again if Lexa had answered.

"No," Clarke said rounding her mouth as she typed the same words. It was already infuriating enough the brunette wouldn't answer her calls, she did not need the constant embarrassment too. On top of everything else, she needed to know when Lexa would be in today. Would it be at 5, at 9, at 3 in the freaking morning?! It wasn't just hearing her happy voicemail that prompted Clarke to call the girl, it was practical issues that she needed to be solved now. She had told her mother to not include Lexa in their dinner plans and if the brunette showed up anyways, she would share her dinner with her.

When she first called, Clarke was convinced Lexa was simply sleeping off her hangover or busy when the brunette didn't answer. It was when her call was abruptly cut off the third time she called that her suspicion grew. All in all, it was only 3 pm and Lexa still had all the time in the world to contact her. Clarke wasn't necessarily the patient type, and waiting was agonizing, but she did her best to not lose her calm.

After the conversation with both Octavia and Raven died, or rather when Octavia and Raven started getting off track and attempted a gif war between the two of them, Clarke decided to leave them to it and draw in her sketchbook. Her leg was till busted so it's not like she could go for a run.

She had to mute the Facebook conversation as the constant notifications were exasperating her. If she saw one more Catherine Tate gif, she would lose it. She couldn't even believe the two were at it, they were literally sitting right next to each other. Who were they even talking to? When she asked if they were still sitting next to each other Raven had promptly answered she had gotten up and locked herself in the bathroom just so they could continue their little war.

Clarke sighed and rolled her eyes. She didn't want to close her laptop though in fear that Lexa would try to contact her and she would miss it. Pathetic right?

She started sketching some karmy smut. "I am going to hell for this sin." She muttered under her breath when she noticed the drawing coming to life. Looking at her own work she started getting aroused when she detected an air of Lexa in her drawing of Amy.

"Fuck me." She groaned. "Well, yeah derp fuck me right now." She said meaning every word of it and fell back into her pillow. She disregarded her sketchbook and gulped. She turned the computer away, due to her own paranoia. Even though the camera had been covered with paper, she still felt like she was being watched.

She closed her eyes and instantly saw green orbs, full of intensity looking back at her. She bit her lip. This is not something she had done. She admitted she had allowed Lexa's face to come to mind when she touched herself but she never started with the intention to think of Lexa and only of Lexa. She wanted to so badly, though. She contemplated and looked around before she caved to her own desire.

As if by instinct her hands started exploring her chest and almost instantly her breathing picked up a pace. She remembered Lexa's lips on her, her body pressed against her. She imagined the words Lexa would whisper in her ear, and what her hands would feel like on her waist, on her bare skin. She imagined how those tentative lips would feel in other places, they always seemed to have a specific pace to them, a specific intensity. She bit back a moan when she allowed her hand to descend to where she wanted it. She dug under the material of her sweat pants and started breathing harder.

She remembered how Lexa would say her name, every time enunciating the k at the end of it. Then she dipped her finger into her wet folds and could not sustain the small whimper in the back of the throat. What would Lexa sound like if she moaned her name if she whispered or whimpered it? She imagined what Lexa's face would look like if she were to ever touch her. Clarke bit her lip, almost drawing blood when she circled her clit.

She tried to keep the image of Lexa's face in her mind, to remember exactly what her lips felt like. This only seemed to encourage her climb and goodness she was climbing fast. She started moving her hips to her fingers' pace. She entered two digits inside her, imagining they were Lexa's fingers. This time, she moaned, loudly, and it almost dragged her out of her aroused state. She hoped no one had heard her and scolded herself for being so loud. She returned encircling her clit and shuddered.  She was so close. She pinched her own nipple, imagining Lexa sucking on the gentle flesh of her neck. She whimpered violently as she felt herself coming. She grabbed the sheets and shuddered brutally, not attempting to contain her twitching legs. Then, her back fell back into the mattress and she groaned. Even though that had been a great orgasm, she felt a little embarrassed at 1. How quickly she came and 2. that she had been masturbating to someone who was not her significant other. Then again if she found out Lexa was doing the same she probably would touch herself all over again with a new found intention. Clarke closed her eyes tightly and grumbled.

"Now I'm stuck with that image in my head." She needed to stop thinking about Lexa, especially Lexa touching herself and maybe thinking about Clarke. "I need a shower."

When she exited her room, her mother stood in front of it, seemingly ready to knock on it. In fact, Clarke nearly bumped into her mother on her way out.

"Clarke?" Abby regarded her suspiciously and rightfully so. The blonde was sweating and her face was flushed. "Have you managed to reach Lexa?"

"Mom, I've told you to just go ahead with dinner alright?!" She said with a high pitched voice.

"I am just concerned. Why hasn't she called back?"

"I don't know!" Clarke said petulantly and raised her shoulders up to her ears. "Can I shower already?"

"Don't take that tone with me," Abby said and crossed her arms, already tired of her daughter's attitude. Clarke was on edge, that much was clear. She watched the blonde enter the bathroom, not before bumping into the wall. She looked a right mess, appearing to be distracted by merely the air surrounding her.

Clarke closed the door behind her by leaning on it and blew out hot air, allowing a silent growl to escape her mouth. She took out her right hand that she had gracelessly shoved in her pocket when she saw her mother, and cringed at the clammy stain it left behind. She hoped her mother had not noticed anything. The fresh pair of underwear she was gripping in the middle of the afternoon wasn't suspicious at all. No, not at all. The thought of her mother having to endure practically catching her in the act alone made her blush. Perhaps her mother thought she had gotten her period. Yes, let's go with that.

She threw the underwear in the sink as she did most of the time. She didn't like putting it on the ground or on the toilet. She discarded her clothes, also placing them in the sink, and waited for the water to warm. When she stood under the hot water streams, she couldn't help the temptation she felt to explore herself once more. Even better now with the shower head. She sighed thinking now that she had already crossed the line, she might as well enjoy it. She detached the shower head and ran her other hand over her breast, halting at the nipple. She put the shower head on the massage setting and imagined Lexa's tongue lapping up the wetness that had already established itself between her legs.

When she got out of the shower a half an hour later, not at all feeling guilty about the water she 'wasted', she noticed her phone was flashing. She grinned widely when she noted she received a text from the girl she had been thinking about all day. Suddenly she also felt very awkward, realizing she had been a total creep and feared Lexa would never speak to her again if she ever found out. How would she even find out? Telling herself to get a grip, she opened the notification.

 **Lexa Woods** : _Hey, sorry I've been AWOL. I'll be at your place pretty late tonight, most likely 11._

There was nothing else, but Clarke didn't care. She could've been annoyed that Lexa was only arriving that late, but she was so happy at the prospect of seeing the brunette again, that it didn't matter. She immediately started texting back.

 **Clarke Griffin** : _Hey! Don't worry about it, I'm sure you were sleeping off a hangover (I got that voicemail drunkie ;) ) I'll see you then!_

Clarke waited a half an hour, looking at her screen, trying to distract her with Tumblr, but Lexa never answered. Clarke tried not to let the disappointment consume her. She would see her tonight, that was enough.

* * *

 

Lexa pushed her phone in her backpack and walked downstairs. She found both Echo and Anya eating cake and sipping coffee.

"Hey, finally. I called you down a half an hour ago-" Anya stopped mid-sentence when she noticed Lexa's backpack. "Are you leaving already? You said 6?" Anya's voice quivered when the thought of Lexa leaving became reality. In truth, she did not want her little sister to leave at all.

"I'm not leaving yet," Lexa said, hiding a pack of apples behind her. Not well, as Echo quirked an eyebrow.

"Where are you going then?" Echo asked and Lexa shrugged defensively.

"I just need to do something," Lexa answered and didn't allow them the chance to respond. She left the house in a hurry and climbed on top of Tilly. She was trying to keep her breath under control when she took a right a little under 10 minutes later and her destination came into view.

She parked Tilly and secured her with a firm lock. She then took out one apple, the most mixed colored one and hoped she still remembered where it was. She could already feel her body shaking and her flight instinct kicking in. All she wanted to do was run away and cry, but her feet managed to keep her on her path.

When she finally reached her destination she crouched down and trembled at the site. She instantly felt fresh tears at the brim of her eyes and a sob escaped her throat when she placed the apple on top of the grave.

"Hey, baby." Her voice broke, it was nearly unrecognizable. She bit her lip, hoping to keep it from trembling but it was futile. Her whole body shook with each breath she attempted to take. She dug her nails into the stone, hoping to find some balance, but it only resulted in her pressing her forehead against the cold dark matter. "I'm sorry." she choked on her words.

She clung onto the grave as if it were a direct portal to Costia. If she hugged it hard enough her dead lover would feel the desperation and love she tried to pour into the smooth stone. For the first time ever she allowed herself to weep long and hard. Her chest found no rest and it was starting to ache. Her stomach cramped every time she broke down.

After a while, she couldn't sustain her sorrow and the whimpers died. She felt numb. "I brought you an apple. Equally red, equally green. Just the way you like it."

 _'Why have one color when you can have two?'_ She had always said when others picked a red one or a sour green one. It was a pun on her own biracial identity, one she was very proud of. Lexa breathed out heavily and traced the stone with her hand. She was so tired and had no idea how long she had been here.

"I'm sorry I didn't visit you. I guess I've been busy." She said, now sitting up. Then she laughed bitterly. "That's not true, and I'm lying to you of all people. You know where I've been. You've been in my dreams, you know how I feel." She said smiling bitterly at the sky.

"And I'm so sorry." Again fresh tears covered her face after she had thought no more tears could possibly be created after she had cried her soul out. "I was afraid." her voice broke. "I'm still afraid." She gulped, hoping to catch her breath and pace herself, but it didn't work.

"I love you so much." She whispered. She uttered every word with buckets of intensity. As if to push them into the ground in the hope of reaching Costia's soul. She did, she loved her so much, still. She felt herself getting desperate. She had never allowed herself to open herself up to this much agony. She had hidden it away for years, ignoring the pain and, therefore, ignoring Costia's death. She hadn't coped, she knew that. She also knew that she had to now. She couldn't go on this way. She had been so happy yesterday when only a pebble of her pain had been able to move on when she merely looked at a picture. She felt like she was betraying Costia in trying to move on and kept switching between the determination to put the memory of Costia to rest and clinging on to the memory like a lifeline.

She wept sounding disheartened and shouted, "I don't know what to do!" She choked on her words. "I don't know what to do with my life Costia." She sniffed loudly. Her hands quivered, even though she attempted to hold the trembles at bay.

"And then there's her. And I'm so sorry." She bowed her head and her whole being dissolved into tears. "I didn't mean to, I promise. It just happened. And I can stop it, I promise. I know I can." She said wincing at her own words. Then she watched Costia's name on the grave and knew Costia would scold her for saying such things. She looked at the sky bitterly.

"I know, alright?" She groaned silently. "Here I am lying to you again." She said feeling a bittersweet sense of familiarity. Costia knew her better than anyone. Lexa also knew she could not promise such a thing when she had already lost that battle.

"I just don't know what to do. Tell me what to do. Costia, I-" She balled her hands into fists and choked up again.

"I don't what to do anymore." She then smiled painfully, "You know it's funny, in another life you guys would've really gotten along." She laughed through her tears thinking of Clarke interacting with Costia. Hell, she probably would get along better with Costia.

Costia was gone, but she wasn't ready and accepting that was okay. Accepting that she wasn't ready to let go just yet was okay.

"Cos' I just want to stay here with you." She said once again cradling the stone beneath her. "I'm not ready Costia. I don't want to leave, not yet. I'm not ready. I'm not ready." Her breath started getting erratic and fearful. "I can't." She croaked out. "I'm not ready." She whimpered pressing her head against the stone.

Don't leave me, not yet." She started sobbing harsher this time. Then, she fell asleep after her body could not contain her grief any longer.

She was woken up by small drizzles of rain on her face. For a moment she was disoriented, then she remembered falling asleep at the cemetery.

"Fuck." She cursed under her breath. She looked at Costia's grave, now completely darkened by the night, and brushed her fingers over it. She sniffed and looked at her phone. It was 9 pm and she was supposed to leave three hours ago. She had been gone for 4 hours. She scrambled to her feet, but before she could run to her motorcycle and drive home, she watched Costia's grave again. She then crouched down, leaning on her knees, and kissed the wet marble. She breathed almost whispering a blessing over the grave.

Costia was gone, and Clarke was here, but she remembered Titus' words. It was okay to not be ready and that was enough for her. She needed to say goodbye but now was not that time. She wasn't ready to move on.

"Not yet."

When she got home Anya breathed out looking relieved.

"Where the hell have you been?!" She shouted at her but hugged her tightly. "We have been looking for you, for two hours. You scared the hell out of me." She squeezed her tightly, so much Lexa heard her neck crack.

"I'm sorry." She muttered quietly. "I lost track of time." Anya noticed the change in posture. Lexa looked broken. A different kind of broken, but still she recognized the vibe.

"Lex' what's going on?" She asked looking mortified.

"Nothing, I'm really sorry. I need to get back. Is Nyko still around? Is he still up for leaving now?"

"Of course, I am." A voice emerged from the living room. Anya frowned and grasped Lexa's hand protectively.

"No, it's too late now. You are not driving, especially in that weather." Lexa squeezed her sister's hand and looked at her pitifully. The weather indeed had taken a turn, but she had to go.

"Ahn. I need to." Anya was about to argue with her but Lexa shushed her. She hugged her tightly and Anya knew she had lost the battle. She was having a sick sense of déjà vu. As if Lexa had read her sister's mind she stated, "I'm coming back, alright?" And she meant every word of it, just as she had meant 'Not yet.', implying that someday she would be ready.

Anya nodded and allowed her sister to go with Nyko. Lexa quickly made her way upstairs and grabbed her stuff. Before she hopped into the car she tried to text Clarke, telling her she would be late, but her phone was acting up. Finally, she managed to send her a text.

Nyko noticed Lexa being quiet the whole drive. She didn't ignore him, but she didn't attempt to spark up a conversation, she also ended conversations quite quickly to a point Nyko let her be. He put on some music and eyed Lexa in his peripheral view every so often. She did not change her position for the next four hours. Her eyes were fixed on the window and her expression passive.

Clarke had answered her by saying it was okay. She would stay up waiting for Lexa.

When they arrived at the house, now at 1 am in the morning, Lexa called Clarke, not wanting to ring the doorbell and wake everyone.

"Hello?" a harsh voice tainted by slumber answered.

"Hey, it's me."

"Lexa? Where are you?"  

"I'm in front of your house." There was some movement on the other side and then the line went dead. The door opened quietly and Clarke ran out with a smile on her face, wrapping her cardigan tightly around herself. Lexa smiled shyly at her, then turned to Nyko.

"You're in trouble." He whispered when she hugged him and she couldn't help but smirk and slap him playfully.

"Thank you." She whispered and soon after he entered his car and drove off. Clarke reached out to her and hugged her tightly. Lexa didn't mean to give Clarke the cold shoulder, but after the night she had had, her vibe was inevitably standoffish. She managed to wrap her arms around Clarke, but only lightly as if she feared to feel the flesh beneath her fingers.

"I'm sorry," Lexa said trying to convey some emotion in her voice but she was failing. She was so drained. Clarke pushed Lexa into the light and noticed the tired expression on the brunette's face. Clarke noticed how drained Lexa looked. She didn't understand. Lexa's voicemail had been so happy. "Lex', what happened?" She said, her hand reaching for the brunette's cheek. Lexa didn't answer, she only flinched when Clarke's fingers brushed over her skin, which only intensified Clarke's anxiety.

"I-" Lexa had no words.

"Lexa-" Lexa cleared her voice and hoped to convey some apologetic expression because she really was sorry.  

"I'm just really tired and I'm sorry I'm so late and I kept you up late."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trash, I updated late and honestly I could give you a powerpoint presentation of why, fill it with excuses of my final performance being on Friday and then getting drunk on both Friday night and Saturday night, resulting in me sleeping all day yesterday while nursing a hangover, and then dealing with a broken boiler (no showers for me) and the flat above me flooding, and the water seeping into my ceiling today YAY; BUT I won't do that cause it don't matter. I should just keep my word, because you guys are lovely and deserve better lol. 
> 
> Also I know Clarke really looks like she's being walked all over right now but I promise you will get angry Clarke within the next chapter (possibly the one after that). She won't deal with this hot and cold Lexa, she deserves better and she will get it for herself. 
> 
> On a different note I have been angrily singing along to 'They don't care about us' after finding out they killed another lesbian. qmlskdjm
> 
> Anyways, see you next week folks!


	18. Chapter 18

The day after Lexa had arrived Abby had given her a curious look when she stumbled down the stairs with Clarke. Clarke gave Abby a quick explanation as to why Lexa arrived so late, one that involved traffic and bad communication. Only one of those was a lie, the communication between the two was bad. When Lexa found Clarke draped against her after she woke up, guilt struck her when she didn't immediately pull away. It was only when Clarke slowly opened her eyes that Lexa had spurted out an excuse of having to pee. She had heard Clarke yell after. The blonde had not managed to grasp Lexa's wrist and laid back down, sighing.  When Lexa stood in the bathroom that day she whispered to herself. "I need to talk to her." Though when she was faced with the blonde her courage failed her. The blonde hoped that Lexa's strange mood would have dissolved by the time lunch arrived but it didn't. When they finished their plates, Lexa politely thanked Abby and then sat on the couch. She looked as if she was somewhere else. Clarke, hoping to take advantage of the couch, the same place they had shared intimate moments, sat next to the brunette and leaned on her shoulder. When she felt the brunette tense though she quickly leaned back and tried not to feel too hurt. Clarke excuses herself, her face flushed, and Lexa closed her eyes sighing into the couch. She didn't want to assume Clarke shared her feelings, but she felt like she needed to tell Clarke she wasn't comfortable with their intimate touches anymore and she needed to tell her why.

Clarke had tried to brush it off to Lexa being extremely tired when she arrived  the night before but the brunette hadn't spoken much today either. Both girls hadn't really talked about anything that happened. Lexa was trying to pluck up the courage to talk to Clarke all day but all she seemed to manage was make it worse by appearing aloof and distant, which only resulted in frustrating Clarke and preventing all chances of communication. So they just prepared for their journey back, they ate in silence, which didn't go unnoticed by both Abby and Poppy, they packed almost in silence. That same night, Lexa looked at herself again in the mirror after she brushed her teeth and repeated the same mantra "I need to tell her.", but when she entered the bedroom again she lost her words.

Once or twice had Lexa tried to start a conversation but as soon as she started it she found herself stopping it, giving Clarke short answers. It confused and frustrated the blonde to no end. She couldn't understand what had happened. That night, they slept next to each other and no matter how many times Clarke wanted to reach out to the brunette and wake her up to have it out with her, she found herself forcing herself back to sleep.

The day they returned, Lexa didn't hold Clarke's hand when the plane lifted. She had told herself that morning before she left that when they returned she would have a conversation with Clarke. She had accepted that she had feelings for Clarke by now, but she wasn't ready to act on them. A part of her though, was terrified that Clarke didn't feel the same and she would make an ass out of herself. As the flight dragged on she tried to find excuses: it wasn't the right place, Abby was there if it turned ugly it would be even more awkward on the plane. All of them were selfish and just that, excuses. When they finally reached the campus hours after their flight ended Clarke hugged her.  She even lingered and Lexa let her, which she regretted later that night. A part of her wanted to drag Clarke to her room and explain to her why she was acting distantly. She didn't though. She watched the blonde re-enter her car and drive away.

Once home, Clarke laid on her bed and shook her head, this wasn't right. She forced her eyes shut, though, again searching for slumber to distract herself from her own frustrations and feelings. Octavia and Raven would return the next day, which would make everything better.

* * *

 

"Hey!" Clarke greeted her friends as they ran towards her. Both girls enveloped Clarke in a deeply needed hug. "God, I missed you guys," Clarke said sounding exasperated. Octavia leaned back and frowned feeling concerned.

"Are you okay?" Clarke met Octavia's gaze and before she could answer Octavia's mind was made up. "Fucking Lexa. What did she do now?"

"O' can we just go and have pizza or something? I missed you guys, I want to hear everything that's been going on." Clarke tried her best to put up her most convincing smile and Octavia relented. Meanwhile, Raven was still hugging them both.

"You know I feel kind of left out here, I'm hugging you both, yet you guys are having a boring ass conversation. Where is love, guys?" Raven mumbled from Clarke's shoulder. She was flapping her arm to get Octavia to join their hug again. Clarke burst out in laughter and hugged Raven tighter, she had missed her light-hearted attitude. If anyone could cheer her up and listen to what she had to say at the same time it would be Raven.

"You're so needy, I just spent the whole of Christmas and New Year with you."

"Give me love Octavia," Raven grumbled which resulted in Octavia rolling her eyes and reluctantly hugging both Raven and Clarke.

"See, don't you feel better now?" Clarke nodded and looked at Octavia who was slowly giving in and nodding as well. "I mean I feel so much better. Here I am with both of my wives, my harem."

"Raven!" Octavia pushed her away and started walking down the hallway.

"Wait, wife no. 2, the harem is not complete without you."

"I hate you!" Octavia yelled over her shoulder.

"See what I've had to deal with. I feel extremely unloved and excluded." Raven looked at Clarke seriously, but she could see the mirth that twinkled in Raven's eyes.

"You're such an ass, you know how literal she takes things."

"She knows I'm trolling," Raven smiled and tugged at Clarke's jacket. "Come on, she's probably waiting for us to follow her." And as if on cue, Octavia stood there tapping her foot as the two turned the corner. Raven smirked and said, "See."

"What see?" Octavia said sounding annoyed.

"Nothing my cupcake." Raven cooed which only enraged Octavia more.

"Great let's go then, _sweetie,_ " Octavia said with a high pitched voice which made Clarke giggle.

"She's tightly wound today." She murmured into Raven's ear.

"I hear that Griffin." The brunette turned around. "And yes, I am tightly wound, because that one over there keeps trolling me, and you weren't there to take the heat. Can you just victimize Clarke for a little." Octavia pouted which made Raven feel slightly guilty.

"O'-" Octavia was already strolling down the hallway with a hidden smirk on her face. "I'm sorry. O! Come on." Raven jogged after her and Clarke smiled shaking her head. She had missed their games, hell she had missed being part of their games. She kind of fell out of the loop when she started 'dating' Lexa which only told her that she had to be more mindful of her friendships in general. Given, the lie she had concocted didn't help, but if her relationship with Lexa had been real it would have served as an example how she isolated herself in a relationship and let her friendships slide. She hadn't been the greatest friend, and the fact that Octavia and Raven were still around and still wanted to include her was a testimony of their friendship.

A few hours, one frozen pizza and several hot beverages later they were sitting in the dining hall, playing trivial pursuit, the Harry Potter version. It was the travel edition which Octavia brought back from home. And all three of them were excited to play it. Octavia had never even opened it as she bought it right before term started and she had forgotten it at home. When she returned, she made sure to bring the HP game back with her.

Octavia rolled the dice and landed on green, animals and magical creatures. She groaned and both Raven and Clarke snickered. She was extremely bad at that particular section.

"Hit me." She grumbled and Clarke read out the question to her.

"What form did Lily Potter's Patronus take?"

"Oh, I know this one." Octavia yammered but appeared to be struggling never the less. Clarke had taken the egg timer from the kitchen and set it to one minute each time someone needed to answer a question, given them, in her opinion, ample time to answer it. Both brunette's had managed to distract Clarke from her own sultry mood. The blonde loved Harry Potter, and honestly, she was winning this game easily. Though Raven had to glare Octavia into silence a few times when the subject of Lexa threatened to broach the conversation, they had managed to keep their conversations Lexa-free.

"Come on O', nearly time." Raven teased and Octavia was seeing red.

"A doe!" She said loudly. "I am not wrong." She said determinedly. Clarke laughed and handed her the card.

"You're not wrong, hon." She said smiling fondly. Clarke rolled the dice next and it landed on the same color as it had before. Octavia quickly reached for the card and her face fell when she read the question.

"This is so unfair." She wanted to put it back and take another one.

"Hey! No cheating!" Clarke yelped and Octavia grumbled while slumping back into her seat with the same card. She rolled her eyes and read it out loud.

"How can a house-elf be freed?" She said sounding extremely annoyed. "So unfair, such an easy question." she crossed her arms and pouted.

"Well, I'm just lucky. They can be freed when their master presents them with a piece of clothing." Clarke answered smugly. "Your turn." She looked at Raven and the brunette rolled the dice.

Clarke reached for the card and read out the question to the corresponding color. "Where did Harry and Dumbledore go to find the Horcrux?"

Raven looked dumbfounded. "Uh- the cave?" She said making a half moon gesture with the hands.

"Yup." Clarke handed her the card.

"What?!" Octavia yapped. "How- this is so unfair! Ugh!"

"You know, being this competitive is really bad for your blood pressure dear," Raven smirked and handed the dice to Octavia.

"I will end you, Reyes."

"Just looking out for my wife."

"Raven if you don't- I'm going to-" Octavia pointed her finger threateningly.

"What?" Raven said smoothly. Octavia's breath hitched and looked at Clarke.

"Clarke! Make her stop!" She said desperately. Clarke looked at Raven and put on her best disapproving look.

"Raven, stop teasing our significant other. You're upsetting her." Octavia gaped at Clarke.

"Both of you-" Octavia nearly stood up.

"Okay, okay." Clarke held up her hands. "I'm sorry. We'll stop. Right?" She looked at Raven, now meaning her words.

"Right!" Raven said smirking.  Octavia groaned and got up.  She made her way to the coffee machine and pushed the buttons a bit more violently than was necessary.

"I missed you guys," Clarke smiled sadly.

"That bad huh?" Raven said knowing exactly how Clarke was feeling. She didn't need details, she knew Clarke was going through something similar, albeit not identical. Clarke sighed and nodded. The moment passed once Octavia sat back down. She rolled the dice and blew on her coffee.

Clarke reached for the card and read out the question, "Which spell does Hermione use to erase her parent's memory, for their own safety?" Octavia looked at her incredulously.

"Are you freaking kidding me? I'm so losing this game," she said sorrowfully while looking at the pitiful stack of cards she had collected. It was significantly smaller than Raven and even more so compared to Clarke.

"Oh come on," Raven said draping an arm over Octavia. "Unlucky in the game is lucky in love right?" That made Octavia smile but dragged Clarke's mood down.

"I guess it makes sense why I'm winning then," Clarke mumbled absent-mindedly. Octavia, suddenly forgetting about the game, grew concerned and reached out to Clarke's hand.

"It's just a stupid saying."

"It's kind of true, though." She said looking at her and at Raven's stack of cards.

"Clarke-" Octavia started hesitantly. "What happened?" Clarke sighed. They had managed to avoid the topic for a few hours, for which she was thankful, but in more ways than one she needed to talk about it, to vent about it.

"I don't know." She said quietly. "I thought we were okay. We were great even, she was holding my hand and we were like- cuddling and stuff." Clarke said and cringed at her own words. She sounded pathetic.

"Then what?"

"Then-" Clarke was shaking her head trying to grasp the meaning of what happened. "She just-" She was struggling with her words. How would she even explain something she did not fully understand herself. She could only describe what happened. "She got weird. She got all distant and defensive, and then she fucked off to Indianapolis." Clarke looked down. "Then, it felt like she was trying to make amends by calling me and-" Clarke sighed, rubbing her face. "We were talking and she even left me this really cute voicemail on New Year's eve." Clarke's breath became erratic as she worked herself into a frenzy. "Then she came back! And she was all weird again. I don't know what's going on. I thought we were- I don't know." She groaned hoping to contain her frustration.

"Were you getting back together?" Raven asked.

"I- Maybe?" It wasn't exactly a lie. The 'back' together was, though. It seemed like something was developing, though. "It just felt like she was open to it," Clarke said sadly. "She's so hot and cold, though. I can't do this!" Clarke allowed her anger to escape when she snapped.

"Well, you did break up with her,"Raven muttered.

"Raven!"

"Look," She said holding onto Clarke's hand, "I'm on your side, don't get that twisted, okay? I love you, both." She said looking at Octavia. "And I'll always have your back, your my best friends okay? But I'm just trying to help you figure out what's going on. Lexa doesn't exactly seem like the type to share her feelings."

"She doesn't! That's the problem. And yes, I did break up with her." Clarke dragged the words out. How was she ever going to get help from her friends if she kept going back to that initial lie? "But we talked!" It wasn't a lie, they did talk it out. Perhaps that was still it? Maybe Lexa was still kind of mad at her? "I know I screwed up," She said voicing her thoughts. "But I thought that we talked it out. The way she acted before she got all weird was nice. I just miss her." Clarke said sounding heartbroken. "And I feel like it's always me fighting for us." Not that there was ever an 'us' to begin with, but that is what it felt like. It felt like she was always the one reaching out and chasing Lexa.

"You should talk to her."

"I know," Clarke said fearing her tears my brim the surface. "I just wish she would reach out to me. I've tried reaching out. I tried reaching out the night she came back, but she was shut me down claiming she was tired, then I tried to reach out at the airport, and she shut me down changing the subject immediately!" Raven nodded.

"Give her time, you've only been back one day." Octavia surprised both Clarke and Raven with what she had just said. It was no secret Octavia was quick to judge and curse out Lexa, but here she was nearly defending the brunette.

"Maybe," Clarke said leaning into Octavia after the girl had draped her arm around Clarke's waist and rubbed soothing circles. She didn't know what else to do. It felt like both of her friends were have one meltdown after the other. She took a deep breath and tightened her hold on Clarke's waist. Raven quirked her eyebrows.

"Well, it seems you might be getting your wish sooner rather than later." She said looking at something behind Clarke and Octavia. "Don't look now but a certain brunette just entered the dining hall and it seems she's headed this way." Clarke was hopeful.

"Really?" Her heart hammered in her chest. She might be getting the confrontation she was wishing for. Now that it was happening, though, she was terrified of getting her heart broken.

"Clarke." She heard her someone say softly. She knew exactly who the voice belonged to. To anyone else it would've sounded cold and nonchalant, but Clarke heard the tremor in Lexa's voice. This was her Lexa, the one she had missed. She had gotten to know both versions and the way they would say her name. This one was soft and tender and it gave her hope. She turned around and noticed Lexa was fiddling with her hands.

"Hey," Clarke said smiling hesitantly.

"Hey," Lexa said and she sounded nervous. "Can we-" She stumbled over her words and looked at the ground. She had encouraged herself in the mirror that day. She had to talk to Clarke, she needed to. If she didn't, she would not be able to look at herself in the mirror at all.

"You want to go somewhere?" Clarke asked hoping that's what Lexa meant and the brunette's eyes lit up. She nodded and waited for Clarke to climb out of the benches. The blonde waved her friends goodbye and followed Lexa. She didn't ask where they were going or suggested a destination. She noted that they were headed towards Lexa's dorm. When she entered she was relieved to find they were alone, so she was not wrong in assuming they were going to have a conversation. Or at least, she hoped.

Lexa closed the door behind her and Clarke found herself shuffling awkwardly against the wall.

"You can sit down," Lexa said patting the space next to her. Clarke was trying to catch her breath. God, why was this so terrifying. She felt like she was going to get her heart ripped out. They sat in silence for another two minutes until Lexa reached out and stilled Clarke's leg, which bounced nervously up and down.

"God, why is this so hard." She whispered and tried to retract her hand.

"Don't." She held onto Lexa's hand. "I missed you." Lexa held Clarke's gaze, her face was illuminated by Lexa's bedside lamp. Lexa's eyes softened.

"I missed you too." She breathed out slowly. A sense of relief washed over Clarke, she wasn't alone in this. She rubbed the back of Lexa's hand allowed a ghostly smile on her lips. Lexa sighed.

"I wish you wouldn't that." She said and her voice sounded strained.

"Do what?" Clarke loosened her grip on Lexa's hand which allowed the brunette the detangle her hand. Clarke's face fell as she watched Lexa grip her own hand. She was rubbing it as if Clarke's fingers had burned the skin somehow.

"Hold my hand," Lexa explained. Clarke's face fell, she tried to hide her embarrassment as well as her bruised feelings.

"Sorry," Clarke said feeling self-conscious. She was confused, though. She looked at Lexa and sighed.

"You confuse me so much," Clarke said feeling brave. She sounded desperate and her voice broke. Lexa nodded. She had practiced this conversation so many times in her head, but now that it was happening she was lost for words.

"I-" She looked up but her heart throbbed so loudly that she nearly lost her voice in the process. "I'm sorry." She whispered not knowing what else to say.

"I feel like I don't know which version of you I'm going to be dealing with every time I see you." She said extremely quietly as if she was speaking to herself. She looked up and Lexa gazed at her with a guilty expression on her face, which meant the brunette knew exactly what she was talking about.

"I don't mean to be that way," Lexa said feeling exceedingly culpable. Clarke screwed her eyes shut and took a deep breath.

_'Just say it.'_

"I like holding your hand, and spending time with you and everything, because-" She took a deep breath,  "I _like_ you." That was an understatement. If anything she was already falling in love with Lexa. Lexa's breath hitched and she swallowed deep. "I mean, sweaty palms, butterflies, bladibla, the whole mushy shebang." Clarke swallowed and started trembling. Lexa looked at her with so much sorrow but Clarke continued, "And I thought that maybe you liked me too because _you_ reached out too _,_ you were holding _my_ hand and stuff." By now Clarke's voice had given out and she sounded hoarse."Did I read the signs wrong?"

Lexa licked her lips and felt a lump grow in her throat. "No." She sniffed.

"So what changed?" Lexa sighed. "Did I do something wrong?" Lexa widened her eyes.

"No!" She replied quickly.  "No, of course not. You're not in the wrong here. I am." Lexa said firmly. This was all on her.

Clarke's  heart was beating so loudly, her ears were ringing. She smiled faintly. Maybe Lexa was scared? Maybe there was a perfectly acceptable reason to why she was acting distant? Maybe that would stop now?

"Please, talk to me. Tell me what's wrong." Clarke said hoping to sound supportive. She wanted to create a space where Lexa felt comfortable telling her whatever it was. "Whatever it is, we can-" She noticed Lexa had started crying. Clarke cupped the brunette's face.  "Hey, it's okay." She said almost leaning in.

"I'm not ready." Lexa blurted out. "I can't." She slumped, curling her face into her chest. She was trying to catch her breath while Clarke's hands fell onto her lap.

"I- okay?" Lexa wiped her tears.

"I'm not ready to be with anyone, especially you." Clarke leaned back, feeling hurt.

"Especially me?" She said her voice wavering. Lexa looked up frowning.

"I mean- I-" Lexa groaned as she couldn't stop her tears from rolling down her cheeks. "Because I like you Clarke. You have no idea how much. I just-" Lexa was hiding her face in her hands. "I can't Clarke. Not yet." She said desperately hoping the blonde would understand. Clarke still had a frown carved into her face.

"What happened in Indianapolis?"

"I'm not over someone." It was the truth. "I need to be over them, to give this a chance." She said waving at the space between them. It should've given Clarke some hope, but all she could feel now was anger. Lexa _had_ sent her signs, and she hadn't read them wrong. And if she wasn't ready, why the hell was she sending signs in the first place? Why had she instigated the flirting or allowed Clarke to blur the lines between them?

"And you saw her in Indianapolis." Now it all made sense to Clarke. "Right." She stood up but Lexa needed Clarke to understand.

"No, wait. This is me, this is not you-"

"You are seriously not going to go for the 'it's not you it's me' speech?" Lexa frowned realizing what she said, but it was true.

"I don't know what else to say."

"So if you're not ready, why did you send any signs at all? Why did you hold my hand? You flirted with me and kissed me. We both know we were not _that_ drunk. If you weren't ready then, why did you do that? Were you just looking for a quick fuck?" Clarke felt herself getting angry. She could understand not being ready, but Lexa had acted as if she had been.

"What? No! I just told you I care about you-" Lexa felt herself deflating. "I was being selfish. I thought if I allowed myself to go there, maybe I could. But then this immense dread came over me every time I did. I just thought we were going slow enough that it was okay, that I didn't need to be ready, but I didn't realize how 'not ready' I was until I finally confronted myself with the actual issue in Indianapolis."

Clarke tried to absorb all the information she received but it didn't temper her anger. She tried to understand, but all that echoed in her ears was that Lexa knew she wasn't ready and still allowed lines to get blurred.

"I never meant to hurt you," Lexa said quietly but Clarke bristled.

"Too late."

"I'm sorry." Clarke shook her head.

"It's not good enough." She whispered harshly and realized that in fact, it wasn't. It didn't make it better, no matter how understandable it was, Lexa knew she wasn't ready and that's what made this unjustifiable. She bit her lip.  "You shouldn't have made me feel like something was growing between the two of us while you knew that nothing would ever come of it." Lexa wanted to argue. Something could come of it someday, just not now. Before she could utter another word Clarke had turned her back and started to walk out.

"I'm not saying not ever-"

"Don't you dare do that. Don't you dare make me wait for you." She snapped as she turned around. "Who do you think you are?" She uttered. "I'm not some dirty rag you can use and then throw away whenever it pleases you. You made me feel like a fool for thinking it was real when you knew it wasn't!" This was not going well and everything Lexa said seemed to make it worse. "You mislead me."

"Clarke, I'm-" Before Lexa could finish her sentence Clarke interrupted her.

"Don't. Just stay away from me. Okay?" The blonde urged and Lexa could do nothing but comply. She nodded and before she knew the blonde was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh I'm so sorry for the freaking delay. It's nearly 4am here, and I only got home at 11 and tried to finish this chapter. I'm tired and it's probably crap and rushed, and I'm sorry. I just really didn't want to make you wait longer. I know it should quality and stuff but yeah I have so many deadlines right now this was giving me anxiety so yeah. Anyways does anyone else feel the need to say SHELfish instead of selfish when writing the word? Well, I do lol. 
> 
> I'll try to update again sometime Friday? I'll try, I'm just exhausted right now. I hope you guys felt like Clarke was justified in her anger. I'm not too sure about how I wrote it but yeah I'm not going to bore you anymore. See you next time folks.


	19. Chapter 19

"Come on Clarke. Get up." Octavia said removing the duvet and revealing Clarke lying in a fetus position with tissues spooning her from all sides. Octavia resisted the urge to roll her eyes when Clarke blindly patted the bed in search of her duvet. "It's been two weeks Clarke, and you have your appointment for your foot today. You have to get up."

"I don't want to go."

"Oh, so you want to keep walking with that air splint forever then?" She was going to get her foot checked out one last time though she knew it would be another two weeks before she could actually dance. Clarke groaned and looked at Octavia. Octavia's initial irritation melted when she noticed dark circles around Clarke's red, puffy eyes.

"Clarke, I know you've been having a couple of rough weeks, but I promise if we go today, I'll buy you a pizza. I'll even buy you those white magnums you love so much." Octavia tried. Clarke looked at her with a sad smile and nodded. She crawled towards Octavia's torso and hugged her awkwardly. It was slightly reminiscent of the night Clarke came back to the dorm with tears streaming down her cheeks. She had crawled on Octavia's bed without warning while interrupting her Game of Thrones binge-watch session and began crying on her bed. Octavia had taken off her headphones and cradled the blonde for as long as she needed to be. She had muttered some nonsense about ' _she doesn't want me_.' and it was clear that she was talking about Lexa, not that either Octavia or Raven had gotten anything more than that out of her. They had tried, but Clarke was relentless. Octavia sighed. Soon enough they would have their girls' night and Octavia would have to choose whether to tackle Raven's issues or Clarke's, she couldn't do both as she needed back up from either one of them.

By now Clarke had gotten up and made her way to the sink in their dorm room. She brushed her teeth and changed her clothes. She then wrapped the air splint around her foot as she had done daily since she had hurt her foot.

"Alright, let's go." Octavia smiled and walked out of her dorm, not before grabbing a jacket to keep her warm. They walked downstairs, and before they reached Clarke's car, Clarke asked, "Is Raven coming? Or, I mean, for food later."

"I can text her if you want? I didn't think you'd want her there, considering this is just a routine checkup." Clarke had needed more handholding lately. Ever since that conversation she had had with Lexa she had felt vulnerable in everything she did.

"No, no. It's okay, but we could have ice cream later?" Clarke said sounding hopeful and Octavia immediately got her phone out to text Raven. Both of her friends had tried being as supportive as they could even without knowing what had happened, not that that changed anything. Ever since Clarke had gotten with Lexa, Octavia had noticed Clarke didn't disclose much on anything relating to the brunette. She was always so damn secretive. She wanted to help, but how was she supposed to help if Clarke didn't tell her what had happened? There was more to the story than Clarke was letting on that was obvious, but Octavia didn't want to push. She had to figure out if Clarke wanted her to find out or if it was best left alone.

Octavia started the engine and hoped Clarke would feel better once her foot was checked out. She was sure everything would work out fine as she had watched Clarke walk on it with ease for the last few weeks. She was sure it would be okay.

* * *

 

Lexa breathed in deeply and walked towards the student support center. This was always the hardest, the first time. She remembered dragging her feet to her first therapy session ever. She didn't talk for about three therapy sessions. Good thing they were mandatory or she wouldn't have gotten the help she needed. This was different, she didn't have someone holding her hand to go in, to speak for her, to tell them what was wrong. She didn't have help. Her instincts told her to run away, but she willed her feet to linger on the spot they were occupying. It wasn't like something really substantial happened and that she was on the brink of suicide as she had been years ago, but Titus had told her that if you wait for things to get that bad before you think you deserve or need therapy, things might be too late by the time you do seek help. She wasn't depressed, she knew that, but all the things that had happened in Indianapolis told her she hadn't healed as much as she should have. She hadn't allowed herself to go there, and everything that had happened with Clarke established a newfound quest for closure into motion.

_'Just go in. Move, now. Just go in there and tell them you need to make an appointment.'_

She breathed in through her nose and swallowed the lump which was growing in her throat. She pumped herself up and started moving while thinking to herself, _'I don't want to do this, I don't want to do this, I don't want to do this._ '

She managed to make it to the reception and looked at the guy behind the information desk. He looked like a volunteer, and she must've looked like a deer in headlights.

"Hi? Can I help you." He asked kindly. She gave him a sharp nod. This was also the time she had to start speaking. She closed her eyes and filled her lungs with air, hoping it would give her some courage.

"I need to make an appointment with one of the on campus psychologists."

"Okay, is this for academic problems or personal problems?"

"Personal." Her heart was beating loudly; she could barely hear what he was saying.

"Okay, your name please?"

"Lexa Woods. I should have a file, somewhere." She said. Her breath was ragged, and her voice sounded hoarse. She should have a file. They had transferred it before she got here. It was supposed to be on her record in case she had a 'slip up' and she needed more time for exams or assignments. She knew she should be going to off-campus psychologists, but she wanted a good referral. Simply looking up psychologists Boston on Google wasn't going to get her anywhere. She had already applied for a job at one of the cafés as a bartender to cover the fees.

"Okay, I have you down for Tuesday, next week?" Lexa nodded and hummed.

"Thank you." She said and exited the building. She then took a deep breath and sat down on a nearby bench. Perhaps this wasn't necessary at all and the psychologist would tell her she would be fine with just time and patience. She didn't feel confident, though. She had stopped therapy a few months before she came to college and had felt positive about it. By then she had accepted that Costia's death wasn't her fault. She had also admitted that she could move on with her life, that she didn't have to feel guilty for wanting to go to college. She regained faith in her own abilities but was now faced with what felt like replacing Costia. The confidence she had felt months earlier had diminished substantially. She realized that in all of her years of therapy she had never really talked _about_ Costia. She talked about her death, and how it affect her, but never about the girl herself. She only realized when she got back to Indianapolis that she hadn't really processed Costia's death, she had processed her depression which was a consequence of her death. It made no sense when she spoke the sentences back to herself; she had recovered from her depression but never allowed herself to grieve. Or was the depression her grief? She couldn't figure it out. She thought she had moved on, but going back home  was like being propelled back, not into the depression but into grief. She couldn't explain it to herself let alone to someone else so she was already dreading the first meeting she would have next week with one of the psychologists. Though she was hurting, she was generally happy or at least content which was quite the opposite from when she was depressed. Everything seemed so out of touch with reality, and everything was a fight, from brushing her teeth to putting on her shoes. The juxtaposition between being  completely content with one's life but hurt and then feeling so utterly depressed but having so many happy things in their life was something she didn't understand. She was hoping talking to a professional would help clear some things up as they had done in the past. She wasn't wary of psychologists as she first had been when she started therapy at seventeen.

Lexa looked at her watch and realized her class would start in 20 minutes, and it was all the way on the other side of campus. She would have to hurry. Before she could stand up and make her way towards class, someone stood in front of her.

"Lexa, right?" She looked up from her watch and noticed a blonde girl standing in front of her. She recognized her. She was in her class last term for European music I.

"Right. Niylah?" She asked hesitantly, hoping she didn't get the name wrong. The girl sat next to her while she was eating her club sandwich.

"I had you in my European Music class right?"

"Yeah you did." Lexa felt shy, but she had watched Niylah and some others in her class socialize. She had never been good at it, and making friends was always hard. Apart from Clarke (if she could even call her a friend now after everything that had happened) she hadn't really made any friends here. Sure, she met Octavia and Raven, Jasper and everyone else, but they were part of Clarke's friend group, and she never really felt like any of them were really _her_ friends, except for Monty that was. She tried to seem as open as she could, hoping she wouldn't scare Niylah away. She seemed cool and hung out with the cool crowd from her class. The fact that she was speaking to her now was somewhat a surprise.

"We still need a fourth person in our group for handmade electronic music, you're in that right?"

"Yeah, I missed the first class because I had a meeting with my supervisor that day for a different class, so I hadn't really thought about it."

"Great, then it's settled." Lexa smiled and nodded.

"Why did you ask me if you don't mind me asking?" Lexa couldn't help but wonder.

"You're an A+ student aren't you?"

"Well, I kind of have to be, I'm on a scholarship." Lexa was slightly disappointed that, that was the only reason.

"Oh cool. Well," she said while grabbing Lexa's phone from her hands and typing in her number. "Here's my number. I'm going out for drinks tonight if you want to come so we can get to know each other before we get our hands dirty in the workshop." Normally Lexa would've declined, but she really needed some friends. I mean she was sitting in front of student support, and she could only handle so much on her own, some distraction would be nice.

"Sure, maybe." Lexa said shyly, and Niylah stood up.

"Right, well I think we both have a class right now don't we?"

"Yeah, we do actually." It dawned on her, and Lexa sprung up. She felt anxious; she didn't want to be late to another class this term.

* * *

 

"See, how easy was that?" Octavia voiced as they entered the ice cream parlor downtown Boston. Raven had texted she would join them soon after they got there.

"Pretty easy, now I just have to get the all clear next week to dance. God, I can't wait. If I have to sit around and do nothing for more than a week still, I'm going to explode." Clarke said sounding exasperated. It made Octavia's heart swell to hear Clarke talking about something other than Lexa. She was happy to have the blonde be excited about something. She needed something to make her happy.

Octavia's phone rang, and she swiftly answered, "Hey Rae-" She listened carefully. "God, you are such a mess. It's right next to Denny's, you can't miss it, it's literally all pink." She nodded her head and then continued, "Alright, I'll see you in a bit."

"She's on her way." Octavia muttered, and Clarke smiled looking at all the flavors. They even had bubble iced tea, which prompted an unexpected excitement in Clarke. She was already contemplating all the flavors she could get. By the time she had even made up her mind Raven had shown up and snaked her arms around her waist.

"Hey, wifey. And other wifey." She looked at Octavia pointedly, who just rolled her eyes. She couldn't handle this, both of friends being complete train wrecks, one dealing with her grief by flirting/trolling with everything that moved, including her friends, and the other just isolating herself from the world unless she was offered two scoops of ice cream. She counted her lucky stars for not nursing a broken heart of her own.

"What are you getting?" Raven asked Clarke, who was still watching the board in front of her. Clarke hummed lightly and leaned back only enticing Octavia's temper. Clarke had a twinkle in her eye when she watched Octavia, one the brunette had not seen in weeks, so she indulged her.

"Yes, Clarke? What is it?"

"I want you to join us." she pouted, or rather, fake pouted. Octavia groaned and rolled her eyes;

"You guys are so pathetic." She said while begrudgingly wrapping her arms around both of them and earning some peculiar looks from other customers in the shop. She decided to ignore them. She had to.

"You love us." Clarke said, then untangled herself. By the time she had finally choosing what she had wanted it was her turn to order.

"One Jasmine iced tea, with raspberry bubbles and blueberry syrup." She said earning and dissenting hum from Raven, who thought blueberry syrup was the most disgusting thing on the planet. You couldn't bother asking her why as she would give you incoherent answers, much like she would when you would ask her about her injury.

A good five minutes later they managed to find a seat near the window. Clarke was eagerly trying to suck up all the raspberry bubbles in her tea while Octavia was eating her frozen yogurt.

"I can't believe you're eating that." Clarke pitched, but Octavia simply rolled her eyes. Her eyes one day would keep rolling due to the amount she had rolled them around these two.

"It's nice; I like it."

"It's a lie." Raven agreed with Clarke.

"Can you two stop."

"No, O' she's right. It looks like ice cream only with cool toppings but then every time you eat it-"

"You get disappointed." Raven finished Clarke's sentence, and the blonde nodded.

"It's a lie." She hissed sounding skeptic which earned her a giggle from Octavia.

"You guys are such losers." The three of them laughed though both Clarke and Raven meant what they had said. Frozen yogurt was a lie on a silver plate. It looked like ice-cream, and right up until you would put it in your mouth you could believe it was, and then the reality of health would crash down and tell you _'this isn't ice-cream._ '. No, they hated it.

"So Clarke when do you actually get to perform again?"

"A week, maybe two? I feel like I should take a performance art class this term, I'll be able to do it without putting too much pressure on my foot and get enough credits. And who knows maybe it'll be something for me." Clarke said cheerfully. Octavia looked at Raven questioningly. Never had they heard Clarke talk about anything other than dance. It wasn't a secret that before Clarke's father died, Clarke had been more into painting and visual arts, but she never hinted going back to that initial passion. Raven heaved her shoulders and nodded.

"I think it's a great idea, broaden your horizon. And who knows you might end up liking it." Clarke smiled a nodded. She then sucked up a bubble only to spit it out, right onto Octavia's face. When the bubble hit her cheek and then hit the ground, the brunette looked horrified.

"I'm surrounded by children."

"Sorry, O,'," Clarke said chuckling into her drink, not feeling so sorry. "I've just always wanted to do that."

"So do it to Raven, her face could use a tea mask." Raven twisted her head rapidly and put her hand to her chest.

"Uh, rude." Octavia shrugged. "Well, you know what O' Clarke just likes me better." Octavia snapped her head up.

"There is no hierarchy in the Trinity."

"Isn't there?" Octavia looked at Clarke horrified, and she shook her head at Raven. Octavia was so gullible.

"O' she's trolling you."

"Ugh, why do you guys always pick on me. Pick on each other." She said standing up and walking over to pick up the bubble that had rolled onto the floor after Clarke had shot it onto Octavia's face.

"No, leave it. I want to write a short story on the lonely bubble on the floor." Raven piped.

"You guys are too much for me." Octavia bent down and closed her eyes out of frustration.

* * *

 

When Lexa's class finished Niylah waved her over. She was standing with three other people, who Lexa guessed were going to be her future group members. They had to form a group for the next term. There weren't a lot of people in the class, only enough to make about three groups of four.  Lexa made her way over and smiled awkwardly.

"Great, guys you know Lexa."

"Yeah, your roommate is Monty right?" one of the guys said, and Lexa looked at him questioningly.

"Yes...?" She said curiously, and the guy blushed.

"Oh, I guess you haven't really talked to him about it." Lexa was surprised at the pronoun. She hadn't truly seen Monty or spoken to her, well him now since she had gotten back. They had seemed to miss each other only by a few minutes every time, and she also had noticed he had been absent during the night most of this week.

"No, I mean I haven't seen her- him in a while." She stated feeling embarrassed for slipping on the pronoun, but the guy didn't seem fazed.

"I'm Nathan Miller, but people call me Miller and I've kind of been seeing your roomy, but he's been a little secretive about that so maybe I should speak to him about that." Well, that was fast. Lexa didn't even know Monty had gone back onto the dating scene, let alone found someone to date but nevertheless she was happy for him. She was definitely going to talk to him at some point now, given the newfound information she just received.

"Nice to meet you." Lexa said politely and then added, "Don't take it personally. I haven't seen Monty in ages; we keep missing each other by only a few minutes, and I guess sh- he's been spending his time with you at night." Lexa quirked an eyebrow and managed to get the other boy to blush again.

"Alright, can we get back on topic. Honestly, I couldn't give a flying shit about who you're fucking Miller." Niylah said. "Let's meet the day after tomorrow to settle a schedule, considering Roan has got us building new instruments and presenting something new every week. I'd like to be prepared."

"Yeah, of course, me too." Lexa muttered seriously.

"Great, Penn- this is Penn by the way, and that is Gina." Lexa smiled shyly at them and listened to Niylah, who had taken the lead on this. "Right, so as I was saying, Penn, can you do some research on different guitars, I'll do research about reusing old computers. Then you two can do research next week does that sound fair?"

"Sounds good to me." Miller stated, and Lexa agreed. Maybe, it wouldn't be so hard to make friends after all. Plus, Niylah had invited her tonight.

"Great, let's meet at the Templan library the day after tomorrow, I'll make a Facebook conversation about it?" Lexa stated hoping to take some initiative, and it seemed to work. They all agreed and went their separate ways. Before Niylah could leave, Lexa grasped her arm.

"Hey, does that offer still stand for tonight?"

"Yeah, of course." Niylah stated with a big smile. Lexa was slightly curious why the blonde had been so bold to ask her, then it dawned on her. This wasn't a date was it?

"Should I bring something, I'm not sure how many we'll be?" Lexa tried to be subtle.

"Don't worry about it; it's at the Beverly on campus, so you don't have to bring anything. It's karaoke night so it won't be too awkward. I hope you don't think I'm being weird asking you; it's just because I know everyone in the group, and I'd like it to be at least semi- comfortable this term. I like to know people in my class, and so far you're one of who slipped through the cracks." Lexa quirked an eyebrow.

"Yeah, I guess." She was already regretting asking if the offer still stood. The more she spoke to this girl the more she realized that she was kind of weird, borderline creepy. I mean, who wanted to know _everyone_ in their class?

"Right, I'll see you tonight then. We're pre-drinking first. I'll message you when we get there unless you want to pre-drink at my place?"

"No, no that's okay." Lexa quickly answered. Niylah flashed her an innocent smile and pulled her backpack on her shoulders. Lexa was already preparing herself for later that night.

* * *

 

By the time she got there, she had downed a shot of vodka to take the edge off and decided not to drink anything else that night. She just wanted to be slightly buzzed so she wouldn't be so nervous. Niylah seemed friendly enough, but she actually remembered how much she hated depending on one person at a party. Unless they were really devoted to spending time with you or you were this kind of person that could make friends anywhere you were pretty much screwed. That all added onto Lexa's anxiety. Soon enough though she entered the bar and her anxiety disappeared. Everyone was at least slightly tipsy which comforted her. They were drinking and singing karaoke, pretty well. She then realized this was an event organized by the music society, so she shouldn't have been that surprised that the karaoke wasn't that bad considering the people singing knew what they were doing.

She made her way over to Niylah and waved awkwardly.

"Great! You made it." She said happily and quickly emptied the chair that was filled with jackets next to her. Lexa sat eagerly and watched the people on stage.

"You sing?"

"Not this sober." Lexa chuckled. That wasn't actually true, she would do plenty of karaoke sober, but she didn't really know anyone here, and it had been a long time since she had felt comfortable enough to sing in public. She wasn't a bad singer, but she couldn't fetch the confidence she needed to climb that stage and sing her heart out.

"I don't believe you." Niylah said and Lexa raised her eyebrows.

"What makes you say that?"

"You have a nice voice." Lexa felt nervous. Was she flirting with her?"  "Relax, I'm trying to do a masters in music therapy, especially research around voices interests me. I genuinely find your voice fascinating, and not in a, 'I want to get into your pants' kind of way. Not that you're not hot-" She started trailing off until she cleared her voice.

"Fine, I guess I do sing. I just do feel like it tonight." Lexa stated confidently, and Niylah pursed her lips.

"Fair enough." She nodded. By now someone else had approached Niylah, and Lexa recognized his face. She had met him a few months before at a benefit with Clarke. He was taking care of the music that night, and he had given her some feedback on one of her mixes. He was nice enough, but she couldn't seem to recall his name. He was slightly older and for some reason she remembered he smelled nice. He smelled of mint.

"Hey, girl. Long time no see. I hope you'll be getting up there at some point." He said cheerfully while watching Niylah. She blushed and grasped his hand. Something about it told Lexa that those didn't have a very platonic relationship if you catch my drift.

"I might. This is Lexa-"

"Woods." He finished her sentence.

"Yeah, I met you with my girl Clarke. How is she?" Well, that turned awkward quickly.

"Uh, alright as far as I know." She didn't know what else to say. She then added self-consciously, "We broke up." The guy shuffled awkwardly.

"Oh, right. Well, I'm sure she's alright. Anyways, are you getting up there tonight?" They both looked at her expectedly and much as she felt when she met Clarke's friends she felt welcomed.

"I might." she chuckled. It seemed so much easier here to open up to people compared to where she went to school as a teenager.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is a filler and I'm slightly tipsy right now, but I SAID FRIDAY, and if it sucks blame it on the alcohol cause I will. Thank you by the way for the overflow of comments on the last one, it was really nice. I know it was dramatic but we're all so fucking extra so you know we've all been there, or at least I have, anyways blablabla going to sleep. See you next time folks!


	20. Chapter 20

"So the doctor said you would be able to resume dancing soon?"

"Yeah, by the time classes start," Clarke smiled fondly.

"Well, that's great darling. I'm so pleased. I thought you had three more weeks left?"

"He told me that was the maximum 'sentence.'" Clarke laughed and watched her mother. "Yeah, that's how he put it. He told me I got the minimum rest and that my foot was fine, so I'm good to go. As long as I take it easy, first week back, I should be okay." Abby rose her eyebrows.

"Well, you better hold yourself to that. You know better than I do that first week back is never important. They will simply tell you what your modules will entail."

"Yes, mom. I'll take it easy."

"No dancing that first week."

"Mom. He just told me I would be fine."

"He told you to take it easy." Clarke groaned. She needed to dance; she needed the release without anyone seeing any of the evidence. She could only paint so much before someone would find the paintings and would want her to talk about her feelings. She spent the last two weeks moping and now she felt like she _needed_ to avoid the subject. Resting and lounging around was not making her feel better, so she needed to select a different strategy.

"It will make me feel better," Clarke muttered under her breath, and Abby frowned. Clarke had been trying to tell her mother what had happened, but how was she supposed to tell her mother she had been rejected after she insisted that she and Lexa were just friends and their break-up was amicable.

"I mean- I'll feel better in general, about dance." Abby held Clarke's gaze, then nodded.

"Right. Yes, of course, you will." She cleared her voice. "I've been meaning to talk to you about something else." Clarke looked up expectantly. "There's a benefit coming up soon..." She changed the subject carefully. She knew her daughter had hated going to these things but ever since she had been allowed to bring Lexa as a date, Clarke hadn't appeared to mind that much anymore. Clarke sighed, though, and Abby knew she had hit a sensitive cord. She had to talk to Clarke about it; the board was pressuring her to show her interest in family values to the benefactors, hence showing off her daughter.

"Yeah?" Clarke muttered cynically. She would've brought it up another time, but she had barely seen Clarke. If she didn't know any better, she would think her daughter was avoiding her.

"You could bring Lexa? Have some fun? Have a date night?" Clarke clenched her jaw. "Look honey, I know you hate this, but I need this okay?" It wasn't like Clarke didn't understand, she wasn't an idiot. Art economics could be as narrow minded as bank convention. Art itself was supposed to reflect and question things in society, but art needed to sell, to get funds and for that, sometimes you needed help from people that aren't that interested in reflecting or questioning their values.

"I'll come." She said playing with her food.

"Thank you. I'll reserve two seats at my table." Clarke cringed and bit the inside of her cheek.

"Actually, make that one," Clarke said hesitantly, and Abby gave her a questioning look. Clarke closed her eyes briefly and said, "We broke up."

"I thought you were already broken up?"

"We were." Clarke sighed not knowing how to explain this.

"I'm confused. You're willing to bring her home for Christmas, but you draw a line at taking her to a benefit?"

"No- I- ugh." Clarke bit her bottom lip. "I thought were on a break," Clarke said, carefully choosing her words, and contemplating which ones would be a bigger lie. "But then she ended it, for good. No going back." Clarke said bitterly.

"What happened?" Abby said wrapping her hand around Clarke's.

"We- it's complicated." She already got a whole speech from Raven to how this wasn't the end. How Lexa had said not yet, and not 'no', but Clarke's pride and fear dictated her actions. She was hurt, she was scared to be hurt again, and would be damned if she would wait for Lexa and find out later on that Lexa's  'not yet' wasn't the truth and it was simply a way to let Clarke down easily.

 

_"You're being paranoid. The girl loves you, she's saying 'not yet'." Clarke groaned and turned her back on Raven. "No, you don't get to do that. Babe, come on. She said she wasn't ready. I don't know what you did, but she's just saying that she needs time to-"_

_"What_ I _did?!" Clarke snarled when she looked back._

_"You won't give me details! If you want me to tell you what I think, that's what I think based on what I know. And all I know, is that you broke up with her and some shit transpired between you two. Then, you seemed fine and then you weren't and now she's saying not yet. She is basically asking you to wait for her."_

_"She acted like there wasn't a 'yet'! She lied to me, she withheld things from me. I can't trust her! I can't trust that when she says not yet, that's what she means and not simply 'No.'. Plus, I don't want to be that person that pathetically waits for someone. I can't be that person Rae."_

Clarke remembered growling at Raven, and that was the end of that conversation, she wasn't going to have it again with her mother.

"I don't really want to talk about it, mom," Clarke said, then reached out to her phone and checked the time. She was meeting Octavia and Raven later tonight for girl's night before term started and if she was honest, she had an hour left with her mother, but frankly she just wanted to leave. She needed to shake off this mood her mother had created by not only bringing up Lexa but bringing up another damn benefit she would have to attend.

"I have to go, mom." Abby's face fell.

"Oh, do you have to go so soon?" Abby asked, watching Clarke carefully.

"I'm meeting Octavia and Raven. I'm sorry." She smiled sadly. She needed to get away, but that didn't keep her from regretting hurting her mother's feelings.

"Alright. At least take some soup with you." Abby stated before Clarke could rush off.

"Sure thing mom." However when Abby turned around, she encountered an empty kitchen and groaned dismissively. Next, she heard Clarke stumble downstairs and open the front door. Abby gripped the Tupperware box of soup as she watched Clarke haul her stuff into their car.

"Be safe." Clarke ignored her.

"You can pick up the car when you go home tomorrow. You don't mind taking the bus right? Cause I can take the bus now-" Abby cupped Clarke's cheek and kissed her temple.

"I'll be fine sweetie. Are you sure you're not coming home tomorrow? We could spend the day together." Abby stated which made Clarke pause. She turned around to look at her mother and sighed at the sight she was faced with.

"I can't. I'm having girl's night tonight, and I need to prepare for the start of the term tomorrow." She bit her lip regretfully.

"Alright, well next weekend then." Clarke nodded. "I'm just worried honey," Abby added, and Clarke nodded. She got it. She was worried, but what for? This was just a break-up and not even a real one. It was a rejection at best. She merely didn't feel like talking it all over with her mother; she had already done that with both Raven and Octavia.

"Mom, I'm okay." Abby nodded and hugged Clarke. Just as Clarke entered her car, it had started raining.

It only took her about twenty minutes to pull up to campus. She had to park in one of the parking lots 5 minutes from her dorm house as she couldn't use her mother's spot. A car she didn't recognize, occupied it, and she would tell her mother about it if the asshole that took her spot would still be there tomorrow. The rain hadn't stopped, and she grunted.

"Just my luck." She muttered. She opened the door and hurried to get her coat out of the trunk. She raised the trunk and took refuge under it as she put on her jacket. It was really coming down heavily, and Clarke was soaked within seconds. She had a laundry basket full of stuff and was going to have to come back for it, as she wasn't going to take it out in the pouring rain. When she hauled out her suitcase, she lost her balance and fell. She grazed her hand against the pavement and winced.

"Fuck sakes. I've just fixed my foot, why don't I break everything else?" She spat out feeling frustrated. She had fallen on her knuckles, who were now bleeding faintly. This was not her day.

* * *

 

"Okay, so Mr. Hailstone wants us to come up with a plan of action?"

"I don't think Roan cares that much, also don't call him Mister anything in front of his face, he hates it." Penn snickered. He was a sophomore who was taking this course as an elective and had already had Roan as a professor last year.

Lexa looked out at the cafeteria absent-mindedly. She wasn't really paying attention to what her group was saying. She wasn't even writing stuff down and if Anya saw her now she would be scolding her. It wasn't in her nature not to be present when she had to be, but she just couldn't find it in herself to be attentive today. She wanted to get out of here, get her noodles and get started on her homework. Even though classes only started the day after tomorrow, Roan had sent them an email in which he told his students to form groups of four or five, and present a plan or interests the first day back. This was probably another reason why Lexa wasn't paying attention. They didn't actually have to know stuff by now, they just had to say what kind of music they were interested in, and what they had experimented with instruments wise, or that's what she assumed. Niylah eyed her carefully. They hadn't spoken since the karaoke night. Lexa had actually left the party about an hour after arriving. The guy, Cal, the one she had met via Clarke, had started asking personal questions about Clarke and it had upset her. She had left the party hoping to forget about it. She was trying to keep herself busy. She couldn't break down every single day because Clarke hadn't spoken to her in two weeks and every time she had spotted the blonde, Clarke had either looked at her, her eyes glazed with animosity, or ignored her all together. The hateful glares Octavia and Raven were throwing at her weren't exactly pleasant either. It hurt, a lot, and she missed Clarke, but she needed to get better, that was her objective.

"Guys, I really don't think this is that important." Gina stated, and Lexa decided that she liked Gina. She shared most of Lexa's opinions, and when she didn't, she backed them up impressively. In many ways, she reminded her of Raven.

"Yeah, Gina is right." Lexa voiced, and the others shifted uncomfortably.

"He's not expecting us to have our shit together before classes have even started. Plus, I need to go home." Gina stated and subsequently stood up. Lexa smiled.

"Yeah me too. I need to head home and get some stuff; then I'm going out." He said and then added, "It's almost six, and I have my date at 7 pm, I'd like to be prepared." He smiled widely and got a high five from Gina. Lexa chuckled and agreed she would go home too.

She stopped by the café first to buy some noodles from the food stand, then headed towards the exit. As she turned the corner and headed for the door, she spotted golden hair fluttering in the wind as the girl in front of her walked in, clearly shaken from the storm outside. She stopped in her tracks and waited for their eyes to meet. Lexa hadn't encountered Clarke alone or gotten this close to her for weeks. Clarke tensed when she noticed Lexa and her first instinct was to turn around and walk away, to avoid any possible contact, but it was storming outside. She was not going back out there.

"Hi." Lexa breathed. Clarke's appearance still managed to make Lexa's heart stutter. Clarke froze and clenched her fist. Her whole facade softened though when she allowed herself to look Lexa in the eyes. Her green eyes were filled with sadness to the brim, and she found herself reciprocating Lexa's initial words.

"Hi." She didn't know what else to say; she wanted to walk past Lexa, but the floor stuck to her feet, and she couldn't move. 

"You're hurt." Lexa said looking at Clarke's hand, which was still covered in dried blood.  Clarke raised her hand and looked at it, as if she had forgotten the mark the graze had left. She had gotten all her stuff to her room, and was headed to get some chips and soda for tonight from the cafeteria. She didn't feel like going to the campus grocery store which was on the other side of campus, not in this rain. Now, she wished she had.  

"Like you care. Just leave me alone, Lexa." She shrugged angrily. She avoided being sucked into those green orbs, they softened her to a point she forgot her anger, and right now she needed that anger to protect her. She tightened her jaw, and willed her feet to move.

Lexa blinked, hurt by the sudden outburst. The blonde walked past her, and all she wanted to do was stop her, but then what? There was nothing new she could tell Clarke, nothing that would make it better or make Clarke hate her any less. Of course, she wanted to tell Clarke about Costia and everything that transpired after her death but having Clarke hate her equally as much after putting herself in such a vulnerable position, scared her to the bone.

"I do care." She whispered. All the hurt she had sucked down and tucked away, was sputtering free and intoxicating her chest. Clarke's words hadn't been particularly harsh, but they were the first ones she had heard in weeks. And it hurt. She breathed in sharply and redirected her attention to the rain slamming against the window, hoping it would distract her from Clarke's absence-shaping footsteps. Her lip trembled and she started running. She needed to be in her room, under her covers. If tears were going to fall, she needed them to fall in private. She held her breath as she ran up the stairs. If she breathed any more she knew she would start sobbing then and there. She entered her dorm and thanked whichever spiritual being existed for it being empty. She laid down on her bed and finally breathed out. She allowed herself to close her eyes and salty streams oozed out from beneath her lids. They trickled down her cheeks, not allowing their outflow to pause. When she drew her next breath, she choked on painful sobs that she had held captive for weeks. She hadn't cried in over a week, and she hadn't cried like _this_ since the night Clarke had left her alone her room. God, she had wanted to run after Clarke, but what was she supposed to tell her? She imagined herself running after the blonde in some heroic scene, showing some kind of great romantic gesture, but when it was time for her to speak, she couldn't find the words. What was she supposed to tell Clarke? _'Yes, I'm ready.'?_ That would be a lie and one she would regret telling.  

Not long after, but actually at least a half an hour later, Monty walked in and watched his roommate's back shudder with agony.

"Lexa?" He asked just like he had the night he had watched Clarke run out of their building. He knew something was up then, but Lexa had been sleeping. She had been sobbing in her sleep and to this day, Lexa still didn't know Monty had soothed her as she slept. This time, however, Lexa was awake. So she turned around and tried to hide that she was crying, a task rather impossible.

"Hey." She said forcing a smile on her face, but Monty approached and sat on her bed. He brushed some hair out of her face and brushed away the freshly fallen tears.

"What happened?" He asked ignoring Lexa's pathetic attempts at hiding her own sorrow. She shrugged but her lip trembled. "Did something happen with Clarke?"

"How-?" Monty cocked his head to the side as if to state _'How would I not know?_ '. Lexa swallowed and shuffled on her back. "I just- I ran into her." She said looking at the ceiling. "She hates me." Her voice broke as she faintly shook her head feeling a rush of strangled sobs fermenting in the back of her throat.  Monty pushed Lexa's shoulder, indicating he wanted her to make room for him. So she did. He laid next to her and wrapped his arms around her. The brunette wanted to argue, tell him that she was fine, but feeling those tight arms around her, reminded her of the comfort she found in human contact. She choked out a sob and rested her head on his chest. She cried until her eyes hurt so much and her head throbbed.

* * *

 

Lexa didn't notice she had fallen asleep until a knock on the door woke her up. She jerked up, but Monty rubbed her arm calmly.

"It's okay; it's probably Nathan. Go back to sleep."

"Miller?" Monty quirked an eyebrow. "You need to sit me down later and spill all your tea." Lexa smirked faintly, though she still felt rough and exhausted.

"I will." Monty chuckled and opened the door. Instead of Miller greeting him, though, Jasper stood in front of him, awkwardly may I add. Monty threw a glance at Lexa, who had already closed her eyes, and closed the door behind him.

"What are you doing here?" He said trying to keep himself from sounding hostile.

"I wanted to talk to you."

"About what?"

"Anything...Could we maybe have this conversation inside?" Jasper said looking around uncomfortably. Jasper noticed a wet patch on Monty's shirt. In fact, the fabric covering his left shoulder was damp. He decided not to say anything, though it puzzled him.

"No."

"Why?"

"Because Lexa is sleeping."

"Now? But it's like 7 pm?" Monty started feeling frustrated and was about to turn his back without wasting any more words.

"Wait, wait, I'm sorry. I guess I just feel so out of the loop. I miss my friend." Monty sighed. They broke up two months ago, he was supposed to be out of the loop. He wasn't even sure Jasper could handle having to tell people he was his ex, because he was a he now. "So I'm asking if we could go for coffee sometime? Catch up?" Monty looked at him hesitantly, Jasper had really hurt him. Monty looked down and figured he hadn't much to lose, except for getting hurt again. He looked at Jasper though, and he seemed genuine.

"Alright." Monty shrugged. "I'll think about it."

By the time Monty wanted to turn around and go back into his dorm room, Miller showed up.

_'Great.'_

"Hey, baby." He said kissing Monty's cheek. Jasper widened his eyes and a glint of jealousy sparked in his eyes. He gave Miller a tight smile and walked away. "Are you okay?" Miller asked Monty, and he nodded.

"We'll see." He looked at Miller and put his hands on his chest, feeling calmer already. He rested his head against Miller's chest and found solace in his arms.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm allowed to hug you, aren't I?" Miller chuckled. He looked down and gave Monty a chaste kiss.

"Yes, you are." He stated then waited expectantly for Monty to guide them in. "Are we going to go in?" He asked after Monty had failed to do so.

"Uhm. Actually, is it alright if we take a rain check on our date?" Miller frowned worriedly.

"Are you okay? Is it the-" He struggled with his words. The dysphoria is what he meant. Monty shook his head. He had canceled once before because he was feeling quite horrible that day and just couldn't find the courage to go outside or see anyone.

"No, I'm okay."

"So, what's wrong then?" Monty looked behind him awkwardly and eyed the door.

"It's Lexa. I just want to watch over her tonight." Miller nodded pensively.

"Is she alright?"

"Yeah, I mean- I don't know." Miller still had his eyebrows pulled together, and Monty added, "I think her girlfriend broke up with her, or they broke up or something a few weeks back, and she's having a bad day. Lexa is not exactly softhearted if you get what I mean."

"I don't really know her that well."

"She doesn't expose her feelings, so when she does you know shit hit the fan," Miller nodded and looked down feeling slightly disappointed. He truly did look forward to this date.

"Can I call you tomorrow?" Monty smiled and leaned up to capture his lips.

"I'm sorry about tonight. I promise I'll make it up to you." Miller smirked which made Monty chuckle. He shook his head and then waved when Miller started walking down the hallway. He smiled to himself and then re-entered his dorm.

* * *

 

"Hey O'," Jasper said cheerfully when he spotted his friends in the frozen food aisle.

"Hey!" She stated and hugged him as she hadn't seen him since before Christmas. "You're back! Finally, I thought you weren't going to make it." She laughed, but he shook his head playfully. He looked at her arms and quirked his eyebrows.

"Stocking up for winter?" He joked, and she punched his shoulder lightly.

"No, we're having a girl's night in like," Octavia held out her phone. "Half an hour."

"Oh, cool. You might want to wake up Lexa before she sleeps through it." Octavia frowned and her breath resonated hostility which made Jasper widen his eyes. "Or not."

"Why would I invite Lexa?" She asked harshly.

"I don't know, cause she's Clarke's girlfriend, but I mean this is girl's night without significant others, probably. I- I'm- foot in my mouth. I just thought it would be more than just the three of you, but now looking at the quantities of the stuff in your cart, it's just the three of you." Jasper ranted, and Octavia rolled her eyes playfully.

"Stand down soldier." She smirked.

"It is just the three of us. Besides, even if it weren't, I still wouldn't invite Lexa. They broke up."

"Oh. I thought they got back together?"

"Nope and don't ask me what happened. Clarke won't even tell us, but she might open up with a little help." she said holding up the Jack Daniels. "And if not, we're just going to have a good time." Jasper nodded. "Anyways, got to go if I want to make back in time for girl's night. I still need to set up the pillow castle. It's going to be amazeballs. Clarke is already here, but I'm telling her to sit in the cafeteria with Raven so I can set up our room." Octavia said sounding excited.

She nearly even skipped down the aisle after she said goodbye to Jasper. She still was conflicted on who needed the help more tonight; Raven or Clarke. She needed back up, but both needed girl's night to open up and to find some solace. She was going to have to do this on her own, which was going to be hard and awkward but maybe after a few drinks in, it wouldn't be as difficult as she was anticipating it to be.

* * *

 

Lexa felt less groggy and remembered she had brought food home from the food stand. She was surprised she hadn't dropped it when she manically ran to her dorm earlier that night. Lexa reached out for her, now cold cup of noodles but Monty slapped her wrist.

"Don't eat that nasty shit. Here, I made this. It's my mom's recipe." He stated opening a Tupperware box which came from the microwave in their room. He handed it to Lexa with a spoon, and she smiled gratefully.

"Thanks." She muttered and sat up. She looked around and spotted 7h30 pm on their clock. "Didn't you have a date?"

"I did."

"So, why are you here?"

"I didn't feel like going tonight. I'll make it up to him." Lexa nodded and then smirked at him, feeling a lot more light-heartened than she did an hour ago.

"So Miller huh?" She smiled widely, and Monty blushed.

"Yeah, I really like him. And he's cool with- _me_ , so that's refreshing." Lexa looked at him pitifully. The memory of Jasper yelling at him was still freshly engraved in her mind.

"I'm sorry hon." He shrugged.

"It is what it is, but he's great." He grinned.

"I'm happy for you. He's actually in my class."

"He is?"

"Yeah, he actually told me there that he knew you, well in his words 'I know him.'" She said carefully not wanting to rock the boat. Monty had been exceptionally kind to her tonight, and she didn't want to step on his toes.

"Ah, yeah." Monty cocked his head sideways.

"So, are your pronouns he/him?" Lexa asked genuinely wanting to know so she would use the correct pronouns.

"Yeah, they are." Lexa smiled at his response.

"Cool. When..." She cleared her throat not sure how to ask or whether it was appropriate _to_ ask at all. She made a mental note to ask Lincoln more about this, not that Lincoln was a spoke person on non-binary, but it couldn't hurt to hear more about his experience. "When did you, uhm-"

"Over Christmas break. I just woke up, and I thought, yeah. I'm thinking of doing, like, a Facebook thing, so I don't have to tell everyone personally. It'd make things easier." Lexa nodded and greedily finished the noodles Monty had presented her with. He looked at the Tupperware box and asked, "Already? Damn girl, you go fast." Lexa giggled.

"Thank you, Monty."

"I can get you more." Monty stated getting up and going into their mini fridge.

"No, I mean for tonight. Thanks for staying here with me." She said keeping her eyes on him.

"What are good friends for?" Lexa nodded and smiled gratefully. She was happy Monty still considered her a friend. "Now, do you want to watch Moulin Rouge? I have it on DVD."

"DVD? People, still you use that?"

"Shut up. I gave you my noodles, now watch this with me, I've never seen it." Lexa widened her eyes.

"You've never seen it? Okay, yeah we're watching it. Now." She said eagerly accepting more noodles and turning on her laptop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah I'm having a holiday this week so I'll update more than once, I'll update again Thursday or Friday, then on Sunday, maybe lol, a lot of people want to see me as I'm back home, but I have way more time now than I did when I was in the middle of my deadlines. 
> 
> Anyways thanks for the kudos and comments, see you next time folks.


	21. Chapter 21

Octavia finished the pillow castle just as Raven and Clarke knocked on their dorm room door.

"Are you finished yet O'?" Octavia rolled her eyes. She had told them to wait until she texted them. Of course, she expected them not to keep their word, and normally she would make them wait, but she was finished with the preparations, so there really was no point.

"Alright, come in." Raven came in and almost instantly ruined one of the primary support 'pillars of their pillow castle. Octavia swiftly glided to the front door and held the construction in place.

"Really? You're not one foot passed the door, and you're already wrecking my beautiful castle?" Raven snorted.

"O' you can barely stand here."

"That's the point. You're not supposed to stand."

"I'm only two seconds in, and she's already got me on my knees," Raven smirked and made Clarke laugh, though Octavia was not so amused.

"You make everything crude."

"I make everything entertaining." She nudged Octavia's shoulder with her nose and Octavia frowned at her.

"What are you doing?"

"If we're going to be spending the night on all fours, we might as well act the part." This made Octavia smirk and eventually giggle. She shook her head and took a pillow- seat. She snuggled into it and cradled a bottle of rum. She then looked up at Clarke and Raven.

"Those bottles aren't decorative vases, guys," Octavia stated sinking further into the pillow. Clarke chuckled feeling as though this night was long overdue. She joined Octavia with a home-made cocktail she had poured into a bottle earlier and sat in front of Octavia, allowing their knees to cross. Raven was the last to join and was still fiddling with the bottle opener.

"The techie that can't open a wine bottle, where are we going to write that?" Octavia cracked earning a well-refined glare from Raven. Finally, the brunette managed to open her wine bottle.

"Do you always eat your cork flakes with wine?" Clarke asked looking at the half butchered cork on the table and hoped Raven's wine hadn't been ruined by possible cork fractions that could have made their way into her wine.

"Eat my ass, Griffin."

"Gladly."

"Stop. We're not doing this tonight. We're going to be mature." Octavia announced but quickly understood by Clarke's and Raven's reaction how ridiculous that notion was as they were sitting in a self-made pillow castle. "Okay. Whatever, can we start drinking? I brought Doctor Who trivial pursuit."

"How many trivial pursuits do you have?" Clarke asked.

"A lot, my parents get excited about things." Octavia shrugged. "Or we could play drinking games? Or watch a movie? Drag race? I'm open to suggestions."

"Let's put on drag race and make it a drinking game," Raven smirked.

"I vote season four!"

"Dude, season six." Raven replied seriously, and both Clarke and Octavia knew not to challenge her. Clarke rolled her eyes and put on her Netflix.

"How does this drinking game work?"

"Well, there are a lot of rules. Let's do some of them cause I don't want to be gone that fast." Raven stated while scrolling through the rules. "Right, some of them are pretty cool, like drink whenever a queen does this and that during a lip sync battle. It's pretty cool." Raven smiled, and the two other indulged her.

"Okay, let's," Octavia said already taking a swig of her rum and munching on chips she had gotten from Tescos. "Pass the Oreos." She said before Clarke could flip on the TV.

"Wait, are we watching untucked or the episodes?" Clarke asked considering untucked might not be on Netflix, but she could easily stream it.

"Untucked!" Both Raven and Octavia shouted simultaneously.

"We need to change the drinking rules then, though," Raven said clicking back on the page she had looked at before and found the rules for the untucked episodes. "Okay, so if a queen makes a scathing remark then takes a sip of her drink and all sound is muted except for her straw. If a queen cries while giving a tragic backstory, we need to drink. I feel like we should add 'Whenever Adore says party or chola.'" Raven grinned, and Clarke started laughing.

"We're definitely adding that. You keep hold of when we need to drink or sip or whatever, just tell us." Raven quirked an eyebrow.

"Giving me all the power huh Griffin? I thought you were a top?"

"I am, my sweet power bottom." She cooed and squeezed Raven's cheek.

"Fuck off; I'm a total top."

"Which is why we would never work." Clarke giggled. She didn't know when she had gotten so well versed in this kind of slang. A year ago she wouldn't have identified as a top or a bottom at all; power balance was always kind of chosen for her when she was with a guy, well with Bellamy, and she wasn't sure if she would have been able to identify as a top so easily, which was completely ridiculous. She should've been able then to identify that way, anyway, she wanted, male ego be damned.

"Can we skip to episode two, though? I want the drama to be a little bit developed." Octavia said already having taken three swigs of her bottle. Clarke eyed her questioningly but conceded. She didn't really care; she just wanted to spend time with both of them.

"Sure, hon."

* * *

Fuck me that was harsh."

"Laganja is so fake."

"Raven." Octavia snapped.

"What? She is. Bianca was totally right, and so was Adore."

"Yeah, I agree," Clarke stated. "Can we do something else though?" Octavia perked up; she was getting bored of re-watching untucked. She took out a card game and sat up.

"Let's play who is most likely," Clarke grinned and greedily took the game from Octavia's lap.

"Let's do it." The blond stated. "We all know how it works?" Raven quirked an eyebrow at her.

"Am I the hottest techie at Theodosia?"

"I'm not answering that," Clarke smirked feeling amused.

"Read the damn card, Griffin. And don't forget the timer."

"Who is most likely to be the first to have children?" The ten-second timer started, but it wasn't hard. They both pointed at Octavia, who had pointed at Clarke.

"What? I'm not that maternal." Octavia stated and took a sip from her rum for getting it wrong. Clarke started laughing.

"Come on O', you're basically our mama bear."

"Our hot milf bear." Raven specified which made Octavia groan.

" Fuck you both."

"I'm in if you are." Raven winked.

"Next!" Clarke yelled and read the next card, "Who is most likely to have sex most often?" Clarke snorted. That was easy. Ten seconds passed, and they all pointed at Raven, who triumphantly did not sip from her drink.

"What can I say, I'm that good."

"Who is most likely to get cheated on?" Raven read the next card after snatching the pack from Clarke's lap. Her face fell. "Well, they get right to it don't they?" She stated and soon enough the timer ended. She pointed at herself while the other two pointed at each other. It would have been funny if Raven didn't look so somber and defeated.

"You okay Rae?"

"Yeah," Raven smiled tightly. Finn hadn't cheated on her, but it sure felt like it.

"Did Finn cheat on you?" Octavia asked getting right to the nitty-gritty of things. Octavia was obviously protective. Raven chuckled.

"I'm not drunk enough to have a conversation about Finn." She winked at Octavia but answered her nevertheless, "He didn't cheat."

"What happened though?" Raven shifted uncomfortably thinking this wasn't the direction she wanted tonight to go in, even if she did get drunk enough. She had made a mental note to cheer Clarke up; she was already slowly getting over what happened with Finn while Clarke was still pining over Lexa.

" _Guys_ ," Raven said firmly, "I'm not having this conversation." Octavia wanted to protest but before she could finish her sentence Raven picked up the next card and read out, "Who is most likely to be hungry 24/7?" She smirked. She knew that was Octavia, who at this moment was going on her second bag of chips. They eventually pointed all at Octavia, to which Raven commented, "You know, we're not going to get very drunk if we keep getting it right." This lightened the mood.

"How about we sip when we get it right?" Clarke suggested while she wiggled her eyebrows. Raven shrugged and nodded.

"That works, but no cheating." She said looking at Clarke.

The blonde held her hands up and gasped, "I am offended you think so little of me, Reyes."

Octavia was getting impatient and snatched the next card "Who is most likely to know every song from 1D?"

"Oh God. Who is that weird?" Clarke laughed.

"Hey, I'll have you know their last album was really nice," Octavia commented.

"I guess we know who." The ten seconds were up, and they pointed at Octavia while Octavia had failed to point at anyone, which resulted in getting three penalty sips as that was the amount of people that were playing.

"I don't know all the songs." She muttered into her drink. She took the next card out and read while still feeling the buzz from the rum, "Who is most likely to be a flirt. Ha!" She laughed and looked at Raven, who shrugged innocently.

* * *

 

An hour or three into the evening, and by now they were all pretty buzzed, if not drunk. Especially Clarke, she had started slurring. She was quite the lightweight.

"Who is most likely to laugh at the wrong moment?"

"Raven," Clarke answered.

"Clarke, you're supposed to point. Damn girl, you're already too drunk for this game." Clarke pouted.

"Can we still point?" Octavia nodded indulging her cuteness. They pointed at Raven. By now they had changed the rules to the person that gets pointed at most needs to drink as they were getting the answers right too many times and couldn't get drunk as fast as they wanted to. Clarke had gotten pointed at five times in a row which resulted in her current state.

"Who is most likely to cry in public?" The ten seconds passed, but no one pointed at anyone.

"I don't know. None of us?" Raven stated, and it was true. None of them were prone to cry in public unless they were drunk and even that was a stretch.

"No, not really." Clarke stated, "Though I would probably cry anywhere at this point." Clarke muttered a little too loudly. Octavia sighed and rubbed Clarke's back.

"I'm sorry hon. She doesn't deserve you." It stung. Just as she had said, she felt like crying, right now, just thinking of what happened. And it was so stupid; they hadn't even really been together.

"It's so stupid." Raven shook her head.

"No, it's not. You went through a break-up, it's painful." Raven stated, knowing exactly how she felt.

"No, I didn't." Clarke laughed indignantly. "That's why this is so stupid." She could feel it coming, word vomit. She didn't care about secrets when she was drunk; she never did, it had gotten her into trouble a couple of times before.

Raven frowned at Octavia and hinted they should deal with whatever was going on together. "Clarke, honey, what do you mean?"

"I've lied so much." She said, regret echoing in the sound of her voice. She didn't mean to let it come this far; she simply wanted her mother to believe she had someone. Lying to everyone else was something she had regretted ever since she had started developing feelings for Lexa. Raven sobered after hearing what Clarke had said.

"What did you lie about?" Clarke locked her eyes with Raven.

"Everything." She whispered, but Raven didn't understand. She looked at Octavia for some support, but the other girl seemed as clueless as she felt.

"You need to tell us what happened, once and for all," Octavia said firmly but held Clarke's hand, so the blonde knew she wasn't angry, well not that angry, she was simply worried.

"I don't know where to start." She leaned back and hoped she wouldn't vomit later on. She regarded the glass of water she still had on her nightstand.

"It doesn't matter; you can fill us in as you go," Raven stated. She identified with that kind of uncertainty. Clarke licked her lips.

"It was all a lie." She slurred when she felt the buzz more intensely. She stared ahead of her, shifting her attention from the glass to the wood floors. "We never- fuck- so stupid. This 'dating'-" She couldn't look up and face Raven.

"What do you mean? You dated for months." Octavia voiced, but Clarke shook her head and regretfully looked at her friend. She felt ashamed but most of all she felt dumb and naive for thinking this would work out like it was some kind of rom-com.

"I just wanted my mom to get off my back, so every time I saw Lexa- I danced, and she wouldn't be able to say things." Clarke slurred more heavily this time. Raven and Octavia didn't understand but listened thoughtfully hoping for clarity. "I never thought I would actually fall in love with her." Clarke clenched her jaw hoping to deny her tears access to her cheeks but it was no use, she already felt one curl over the edge and make way down to her chin.

"I don't understand." Clarke was still looking ahead.

"We never dated." Raven snapped her head up and looked at Clarke unbelievably. She tried to keep her expression under control, but her eyes spoke volumes in their intensity. Clarke gulped and cradled the bottle of alcohol as an object of support. She grasped it tightly hoping it wouldn't slip through her fingers considering how much she was sweating.

"As in 'Faking it'?" Octavia questioned watching Raven carefully. The brunette blinked a few times too often, enough to incite concern.

"I guess. Not really."

"Are you even into girls?" Raven asked. She was on the edge of angry. If Clarke had faked being queer, she wasn't sure how she would to handle that.

"I'm into Lexa, who happens to be a girl," Clarke answered hoping that was enough. Raven relaxed a little.

"But you weren't at first?"

"Look, when Bellamy made up that rumor-" Octavia spat out her drink and coughed loudly.

"Bellamy?" She croaked, but Clarke shrugged and waved it off. Octavia still on edge tried to process what her brother had possibly done. She knew he had been jealous at the time, but she never thought he would go that far. She couldn't even understand his reasoning.

"We just went with it, thinking I would be able to get my mom off my back." Clarke started crying, "I'm sorry! I never meant for this-" Clarke's lip trembled, and her chest quaked. Raven blinked.

"Okay, okay. Stop, it's okay." She crawled over to Clarke and hugged her tightly. "It's okay. I don't care, neither of us do." Raven said cradling Clarke and the blonde started hiccupping, which tore laughter from Raven chest. She kissed Clarke's temple and cupped her face. "Tell us what happened. So you were _faking_ it you say?" Raven said slowly, still processing it all. Then she snorted, "It sort of makes sense now," She said looking at Octavia who chuckled.

"No wonder you guys barely spoke in the beginning." Octavia shook her head then snapped, "Wait, what was in it for her?" Clarke shrugged while Raven passed her a glass of water.

"I was going to introduce her to some important people in the Boston music business, the people I know through my mom."

"Damn, Griffin," Raven stated after she watched Clarke gulp down the water.

"So, I need to re-evaluate my whole opinion and advice on the Lexa situation. What happened a couple of weeks back? You told her how you felt, and she didn't feel the same? Is that why you're so upset? You said she lied?"

"It's such a long story," Clarke whined feeling exasperated already and ready to nod off.

"So you shouldn't have lied to us, besides we have all night." Octavia bit. Clarke held her gaze and nodded. She breathed in tightly and prepared herself.

She smiled thinking of the beginning and remembered Lexa, all quiet and brooding. Clarke shook her head thinking how much things had changed since then, whether they had changed positively or negatively.

"At first, we didn't like each other that much." Clarke chuckled sadly. "I even- God, I screwed up so many times, and she got real sour with me. And then I don't know; it was- I'm so stupid." She closed her eyes, but Raven's comforting squeeze gave her confidence to continue. "She read to me at lunch, and we got closer somehow. I don't know how, and I don't know why she accepted to be friends, but we were. And then things got blurry." Clarke sighed deeply. She bit her lip and raised her eyebrows angrily, "The deal was that she would go to benefits with me so my mom wouldn't get suspicious." She said looking at Raven, "You were there a couple of times."

"To be honest, you could have fooled me, I mean you did. I'll admit in the beginning I was a skeptic, but I figured you were just upset after being outed. What a joke." Raven said bitterly but then retracted and stated, "Sorry."

"I deserve it." Clarke grimaced. "And then that thing Bellamy happened and-" Clarke trailed off thinking of that day at the pool when Lexa had kissed her to prove a point to Bellamy. Part of her, later on, had hoped that was Lexa really kissing her. What a fool she had been. She swallowed deeply "I didn't realize how much I felt until she sat next to me at the hospital and I wanted it to be real." She rasped. Her throat swelled, and a painful pressure behind her eyes pushed fresh tears out. "That's why I got so upset-" She choked on her words. She wiped her cheeks and attempted to gain control over her breathing. Raven regretted her impulsive remark even more now that she understood just how upset Clarke was. "And I thought we talked-" She was sobbing now, and Octavia grabbed her arm.

"Easy." She said rubbing comforting circles with her thumb. Clarke sniffed and took a moment to gather herself before she continued.

"I thought we talked it out; she said she was real, that it was real, and she agreed to stop the pretense. That's why we weren't 'together' because we weren't, but then we kissed and I really thought something was there. The way she acted when I brought her home for Christmas-" Clarke still didn't understand why Lexa had acted as such when she knew deep that's not what she wanted. She felt betrayed all over again remembering how trusting she had been.

"She acted as if she felt the same, we didn't talk about it, but-" She groaned as more tears fell. "And then I found out she was going to Indianapolis, looking back now, that's probably the reason she agreed to spend Christmas with me," Clarke said still resentful of Lexa's actions. Octavia frowned.

"Maybe she was acting like she liked me only so she could get to Indianapolis. Maybe it had nothing to do with me." Clarke said not believing her own words, though they didn't fail to affect Octavia.

"Jesus Christ, Clarke. She sounds like a fucking bitch." She snapped, and it felt nice to have Octavia's anger backing up her own.

"Wait, wait, wait," Raven said holding up her hands. "You said she wasn't ready, explain that to me, in details this time," Raven said narrowing her eyes.

"When we came back-" Clarke took a deep breath. "When we came back, we had a conversation, and I basically told her that I liked that and that I thought she liked me back, because of how she acted." Clarke remained silent as the rest of the alcohol was finally starting to hit her. She had stopped drinking a half an hour ago and switched to water, but it seemed some of the kick had a delay, and she felt fuzzy.

"And?" Raven asked. "Did she say she didn't like you back?"

"She said I wasn't reading the signs wrong. And then I don't know! She said there was someone else." It was quiet after Clarke had said that. Clarke was tired, and her eyelids were starting to get heavy. She usually wasn't this fuzzy with alcohol.

"She has a girlfriend?" Octavia asked. "Was she cheating on her with you? You said you kissed." Octavia snapped, and Clarke became more aware.

"No, she said she needed to get over someone to be able to give us a chance, and that she wasn't ready," Clarke said feeling annoyed. She still hated the fact she essentially had been played. She had used that exact line on Bellamy over a year ago; why would Lexa use it any differently? This was her just letting her down easily, and it hurt a lot. Only now did she truly realize how much she must have hurt Bellamy back then. The regret swelled up in her throat like bitter bile waiting at the brim.

"Oh," Octavia said once more feeling confused. She looked at Raven and shrugged, but was silently asking why Clarke was so angry? Why not simply wait for Lexa?

"Clarke..." Raven said cautiously, "I understand you're hurt, but isn't Lexa saying not yet?" Raven realized her opinion hadn't differed so much from her original one, even though now knowing everything.

"She was giving me signals! She knew that she wasn't ready, yet she was still leading me on, letting me believe something was there when actually nothing was there. On top of that, she fucking used me to go to Indianapolis. This would all be okay, well more okay," She stuttered. "If she had fucking told me! She should've been honest with me. How the hell I am supposed to trust what she's saying now when all she's done is withhold things from me or lie to my face. I don't trust her." Clarke spat harshly. She ground her teeth together and her chest was becoming erratic. She frowned, why was this happening. She felt fuzzy, and the room was spinning more violently than what she was used to. She looked at the bottle she was drinking. She had made that herself, so why- well she had used some of Jasper's mix from last week, but this wasn't normal. She didn't feel good.

Octavia nodded, she felt angry. Clarke was right; Lexa hadn't been honest with her so why would she be honest with her now? Raven, on the other hand, wasn't convinced.

"Clarke, I don't know-" Clarke's eyes were closed, and she felt like she was going to throw up.

"I did the exact same thing to Bellamy, why would this be different? It would make perfect sense. She wanted to get to Indianapolis, so she did. And now that she's back she needs to get rid of me." Raven was still not convinced but by now she had started paying attention to Clarke's chest.

"Are you going to be sick?" Clarke nodded. Octavia ran with her to the toilet, and when she did finally slouch over, greenish liquid came out, though the drink she had been sipping had been purple.

"That's fucking weird."

"Should we go to campus watch?" She asked Raven when they returned.

"We're underage," Raven muttered. "Let's just put her on her bed, on her side with a bucket and watch over her." By the time they got Clarke to her bed, the blonde had started sobbing loudly. She gripped her head and tried to keep her breathing under control. Octavia climbed on the bed and cradled her head.

"Shh, it's okay honey. Drink water." She said, and Clarke drank it all in one gulp, though she was still sobbing.

* * *

 

The next morning Clarke woke up, spooning Octavia while Raven was passed out on the floor. She frowned but snuggled into Octavia's warmth. Octavia started stirring and turned around.

"Hey, how are you feeling?" Clarke blinked.

"Uhm, okay actually. What happened?"

"I don't know you tell me."

"Last thing I remember was crying."

"Yeah, you cried for a while. I think you might've had a minor panic attack or something. Or maybe you reacted remarkably bad to the alcohol. What did you put in there?"

"Vodka, some of Jasper's mix and blueberry juice." Octavia winced.

"Ew." Clarke shrugged. She looked over to Raven, still passed out on the floor and laughed lightly. Her amusement died when she redirected her gaze back to Octavia.

"What?" She asked softly.

"I'm glad you're okay. We were worried."

"What did I do?"

"You couldn't stop shaking and were breathing heavily; you were crying. Every time I suggested calling a doctor you started crying more and yelled you didn't want a doctor." Clarke arched her eyebrows.

"I'm sorry." Clarke looked down. "I just- I got so upset." Octavia nodded. "I never meant to lie to you." Octavia pursed her lips.

"At least now I know why you shut me out." She murmured; then Raven started stirring.

"Guys, I feel especially excluded down here," Clarke smirked and shook her head. She beckoned Raven to join them in the single bed. Yes, three people in one bed. It wasn't as uncomfortable as she thought it would be.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, I thought I was spending one day at the beach but then my friend offered I could stay the night and stay another day, so I did! Aah anyways, I know this was a Clarke solo chapter and that Clarke is being very unfair, but just remember that Clarke has trust issues and is extremely impulsive in her judgement without listening to the full story, mostly out of fear to get hurt more (well my Clarke, so that might be OOC). No one is perfect though! And Lexa isn't either :)
> 
> Updates will be more sporadic until I'm back at school (1st may) then it will be once a week on Sundays.


	22. Chapter 22

Lexa pinched the bridge of her nose, her jaw hurt, whether it was from the anxiety or the lack of sleep; she didn't know, that was a mystery. When she had done her intake therapy session, Angie, her new therapist, had told her she wanted to see her more than once this week, just to establish whether Lexa needed to be transferred or not. By the end of the first session, Angie had already agreed upon keeping Lexa as her patient. Though Lexa didn't understand why they hadn't canceled this second session and was hoping it wouldn't become a habit to undergo therapy twice a week instead of once a week, she was here anyways.

"Can you tell me about that day?" Angie asked. They had been speaking about Lexa's passed reluctance to speak of Costia's death, an event that had scarred the next few years of her life. Lexa swallowed deep and licked her lips. Angie had asked her what was keeping her from talking about it, and though Lexa really wanted to reply sarcastically _'Besides the blinding emotional pain?'_ , She told herself to look deeper. Soon enough they had established a fear of moving on, and that fear stemmed from more than just from guilt, something she hadn't considered before. To explore this further, they had agreed Lexa would try to reconstruct that day once more.

"Lexa?" She nodded firmly. She was psyching herself up. She allowed herself one more deep breath before she let her mind wander.

"It was sunny. I remember the sun coming through the curtains." She smiled fondly.

_Lexa smiled widely and said "Your hair tickles." as she felt Costia's embrace tighten on her waist. Soon after, those hairs were replaced by soft lips that were leaving open kisses on her shoulder. She breathed out, feeling contempt. She turned around into Costia's arms in search of her lips. She basked in her sweet smell and allowed it to soften their shapes and blur the line between the boundaries of their bodies._

"I received a call." Lexa's breath stuttered.

_Costia groaned. "No! Don't answer it." She was clinging to Lexa's body, which made the brunette chuckle. Lexa hovered over her body and kissed her lips gently._

_"I love you," Lexa whispered. She rolled onto her side and answered the phone. She then watched Costia huffing while she got up from the bed, prompting an amused smile from Lexa. "What's up?"_

"I had to go because there were some Azgeda trespassing on Trikru territory after we had agreed not to do that until we could agree on the terms for them to join the coalition."

"The coalition?"

"It was a contract amongst us all agreeing on a truce because too many people had died and were still dying." Angie nodded even though most things Lexa told her sounded foreign to her. She had worked at a youth center in New York, so she did understand the risks these kids faced. Here she was listening to an actual gang 'leader' so to speak, one who did not seem to have chosen the title and wanted peace. By reading up on the gangs in Indianapolis and calling some of the centers over there, she had come to understand that the government had practically abandoned the neighborhoods Lexa came from, based on claims that it had become unmanageable due to the criminal rate and deterioration. Illegal trade and self-created reinforcement were usually their only shot at survival. Lexa had been trying to build a community, to get water and electricity running again, to make the streets safe again, and she did but not without sacrifice.

"I left her house early."

 _"I hate you," Costia smirked, but her intention was to draw Lexa in for a kiss. Lexa shook her head and closed the gap between them. She deepened the kiss, already feeling like there was too much space between them. They had been together for two years, and still excitement bubbled at the pit of her stomach every time she kissed her girlfriend. "Be safe." She murmured. Lexa nodded and squeezed her slender fingers._    

"After that I went back to my own house, knowing Anya and Gustus would be waiting for me."

_"I leave you guys alone for one day." She said smirking when she came into the house. She quickly approached Anya and took Emori from her arms. "Hi, honey. I missed you." She cooed the one-year-old. Anya raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms._

_"You'd think she is the only reason you still show up here." Lexa chuckled when her sister implied the apparent neglect she had been bearing._

_"Aw, did you miss me?" Anya chuckled and punched Lexa's arm._

_"Heda, we need to tell you about the information the scouts have collected."_

"What I didn't know was that the so-called trespassing Azgeda had been sent there by Nia. She ad tried to stage it as a few members gone rogue, but I knew better. She wanted to provoke me by killing Costia so that the coalition would fail, but she failed.  The coalition is alive, even though I'm not there it is still alive." She hoped because she wasn't completely convinced of her own words.

There was a pregnant pause that echoed throughout the room and Angie caught onto Lexa's tactics. The brunette was avoiding the actual event of Costia's death by describing what happened before in detail.

"What happened next?" She said hoping to encourage Lexa to continue and eventually reach the end of that day and by consequence Costia's death.

Lexa let out a strangled breath when she remembered the argument she had had with Costia right before they went to meet Nia. She had returned to Costia's house to retrieve her phone she had accidentally left that morning. Of course, upon seeing her girlfriend, she explained what she was about to do.

_"You know, I could come." She said, and Lexa could already sense the change in Costia's voice. She wasn't happy. Lexa scraped her scalp and sighed._

_"Costia, please," She pleaded with her eyes hoping her girlfriend would not insist further. Costia huffed angrily._

_"You know, before we got together, I actually did things that meant something. I helped this community, and I'm a damn good shot." She stated, the hairs on her back fuming with anger._

_"You're still important to the community!"_

_"Really? Cause' you have been sidelining me since we became a couple. I feel like I'm the wife of the_ heda _." She chopped her onions more vigorously than she usually would. Lexa's expression softened and grasped her arm gently._

_"Baby, I'm sorry." She pulled on Costia's arm and wrapped her into a hug. "I just-" Costia sighed._

_"I know, you're worried, but I can have your back. I'm a good fighter." Lexa rested her forehead against Costia's._

_"I know, you've beaten me in enough spar sessions." She sighed then brought her lips to Costia's. "Everyone else knows how much you mean to me too-"_

_"So what? I've become that? Something that can influence you and nothing else?" Costia broke their contact abruptly._

_"Babe-!" Lexa groaned sounding frustrated. She went back to chopping her onions and Lexa rested her hands on the tabletop counter. "I_ love _you. It's because I love you so much." Costia slowed down and looked at her girlfriend. She smiled understandingly._

 _"And I love you, but you can't keep me locked in here." She said waving the knife around. "Please, let me come. Let me_ protect _you." She put the knife down and approached Lexa so she could place her hand on Lexa's arm. "Please," She murmured. Lexa bowed her head down; she had lost this fight. She nodded and took a gun from her back pocket._

_"You stay out of sight, you hear me." She said firmly, and Costia smiled widely._

Lexa was afraid she would start crying as she kept eyeing the tissue box as if it was taunting her. Right on cue, Angie shuffled the tissue box towards her, but Lexa felt mocked by its presence. She clenched her jaw and willed herself not to cry. Instead, she allowed the self-hate she cherished to rule.

"If I had told her _no_ , she would've been angry at me for a _few_ days, but she would've been _alive_. It's my fault she's dead." Lexa closed her eyes. She hadn't voiced this guilt in years, and it was almost too much to bear.

"Did you pull the trigger?" Angie asked her, and Lexa looked at her furiously.

"No." She knew what was coming. Angie would tell her the person that pulled the trigger was at fault and not her, but she had had this conversation before, and it never changed her mind.

"Then-"

"I know what you're going to say, but it doesn't change anything." Angie angled her head sideways as if she was contemplating something.

"What do you think would have happened had Costia stayed home?"

"I told you, she would be alive and safe."

"You told me she was getting tired of staying home. Could she not have gotten hurt another time? Another day?"

"I would have made sure she stayed safe." Angie nodded.

"Lexa, life isn't about what ifs. There is only what is and what is not. Perhaps she would be alive indeed; perhaps she would not. Perhaps she would have died choking on a peanut; we don't know these things. We only know what happened that night and that _you_ didn't pull that trigger. The bullet is the only thing that killed her, not you or anything else that caused her to be there that night." Lexa wanted to protest. She shook her head breathing heavily.

"Can you tell me what happened next?" Lexa groaned clearly aggravated by this session. Angie's words felt useless. She had to get through it, if she didn't get through it today, she would have to go through this again next week, and she didn't want that. She didn't want to revisit this memory any time soon.

She nodded but told Angie she needed a minute. Angie gave her a glass of water after Lexa had requested one.

She sniffed loudly and continued recalling the day. She started explaining that they were meeting Azgeda to return the scouts they had captured and demand what was happening as the scouts were not exactly vocal about their intentions. Lexa didn't want to torture it out of them; she had vowed to the other clans that she would lead by example, not torturing trespassers was one of them. Disputes were to be discussed amongst leaders and leaders would have to hand out punishments.  

By the time they go to the compound, she realized something was off. The compound was empty.

_She eyed the empty space suspiciously and became nervous. This felt like a trap and Lexa scolded herself for the blind faith she had placed in Azgeda._

_"Heda, this doesn't feel right," Lincoln muttered, and she agreed. Before she could order them to leave, a handful of cans were dropped on the floor, and red smoke erupted from them._

_"Quick!" She started running, but the doors had been locked behind them. Soon enough she lost consciousness._

_When she woke up, she eyed what she assumed to be Azgeda members. They had tied her to a chair, alongside Lincoln, Costia, and Nyko. Costia had been outside with her back-up, so she didn't understand why she was here. Considering the rest of her back-up wasn't here, meant that those two had been put somewhere else. Her instincts were telling her that Costia had probably snuck into the compound. She gritted her teeth and looked at her accusingly. The guilty expression on her face confirmed her suspicions._

_"Well, let's get to it then." She said after they had not attempted at making any kind of conversation._

_"No small talk?" Amohl smirked._

_"You've already got us tied to a chair; I think we're beyond that."_

_"Fine." He straightened his back before he kneeled down in front of her. "We want no part in your coalition."_

_"That's not up to you." She clenched her jaw._

_"I know." He tightened his jaw into a devilish smile, "But, we'll make sure you won't have the determination anymore to accept us into your coalition." She frowned, and then she noticed they were holding guns. Her heart started beating faster as she came to the realization that they were in trouble. She held up her mask, however. She raised her chin defiantly and prepared herself to get out of this chair. It was possible; she had done it before. She just needed to get the right angle._

_She held her breath and looked at Lincoln. Thankfully, he was considering the same thing. She then glanced at Nyko and Costia and nodded. They were all on the same page._

_When Amolh was loading his gun, she leaned backward and stood up, kicking his knee. He fell, and she kneed him in the face. Before any of the other Azgeda members could act, Costia had twirled around and hit one in the torso. Soon enough Nyko and Lincoln worked together. First, Lincoln jumped on Nyko's knees and jumped backward with full force so the chair would break beneath him. Lexa jumped on one's back and tumbled in the air, also cracking her chair as she landed on the floor. Before she could strike next, the clicking of a gun caught her attention._

_"I would all stop if I were you." He aimed his gun at Nyko._

_"Get on the ground." He ordered as they obliged. By the time they did, Amohl and another she did not know by name, stood up and groaned. Lexa wanted to do something, anything. She kept her eyes glued to Nyko, which in retrospect was something she had regretted if she had only had watched Costia. Before she could think of her next move, Amohl shot Costia in cold blood. She hadn't even registered the gun being loaded. Her eyes darted to the sound, and she watched Costia fall to her knees._

_"No!" The shout came out strangled and wet. She was propelled into a frantic haze and by the time she came out of it, three men were lying dead on the floor in a pool of their own blood, and she was sliding over to Costia's body._

_"Cos'?!" Costia was still half-alive. "I should've-" She breathed out, feeling horrified. She ripped the top open and put her hands on top of the wound. Costia groaned in agony, but Lexa tried to sooth her._

_"Shh, it's okay, baby. Lincoln!" She yelled. Her cousin who was frozen next to them blinked harshly. "Call 911_ now _."_

_"Lex, there are three dead bo-"_

_"I don't care! Just do it!" She redirected her attention to Costia, who was smiling at her. "You're okay. You're going to be okay."_

_"Don't be afraid." She breathed. Lexa was crying, she wasn't even trying not to._

_Lincoln was frantically looking for a phone, but he didn't even know where they were. He stole Amolh's phone and turned on the location. Thankfully, his phone had not been password protected._

Lexa snapped her eyes shut. "I can't." She was hyperventilating. "I need to-I ca- I can't, I can't,"

"Okay, Lexa. Calm down." Angie took a brown bag from her cupboard and gave it to Lexa. "You did really well. You did so well. Can you do some breathing exercises with me?" Lexa nodded.

* * *

 

Raven was waiting at the reception of the medical center. Her brace had been bothering her, and it would be time for a refit. Her doctor actually worked at the center part-time, and it was easier for her to see him there rather than to travel to Boston for an appointment. He had agreed to see her when she called him earlier this week. She was kneading her thigh hoping to relieve some of the pain when she noticed Lexa coming out of the mental health office. She looked exhausted.

"Lexa?" She called a bit louder than she should have as the brunette jumped.

"Raven." She stuttered due to her surprise. Her eyes darted to the mental health entrance she had just exited and looked like a deer in headlights. "Are you okay?" She asked quickly redirecting the attention from her. Raven blinked and shrugged.

"Yeah, it's just my brace. I probably need a refit soon." Lexa nodded.

"Right, I'm sorry." She said not sure what else to say.

"Eh, that's life," Raven smiled. "Are you okay?" She asked carefully, but Lexa was obviously not going to share anything with her.

"Fine." She simpered tightly. "I have to go, though. I hope everything works out."

"Sure." Raven murmured. "See you tomorrow," Raven said and indirectly asking whether she would be there as she had canceled her show for the radio last week.

"Actually, I'm quitting," Lexa said self-consciously.

"What? Why?" Raven frowned. Lexa looked down and shuffled awkwardly. One reason was that she was emotionally exhausted, and she couldn't bring herself to face Raven every week. It was awkward. Another reason was that she actually really didn't have that much time anymore, and she wanted to focus on other things.

"I have a lot more practical classes this semester. Except for composition I last semester, I had more time on my hands. Studying takes up less of my time, and I can schedule it better. This term, however, is asking way more commitment and responsibilities." She explained. "I'm sorry."

"No, no. Don't apologize. I'll be sad to see you go." Lexa snorted.

"Really?" She hadn't meant to have it come out that skeptically. Raven had every right to be on Clarke's side and join Octavia's hate quad. They were Clarke's family. If there was anything Lexa understood and even more so respected, it was loyalty.

"Lexa, I know you and Clarke are having your post-break up- shit, but that doesn't mean we can't get along, or that I won't miss your shows or your company." Lexa wasn't convinced. Raven was very loyal, but she had become friends with Lexa. Sure when it would come down to it, she would always have Clarke's back, she was her best friend, but that didn't keep her from liking Lexa, nor would Clarke blame her. Octavia, on the other hand, would burn her alive if she found out Raven was even speaking to Lexa. "Besides, I think you guys should just work it out. I think you can."

Lexa sighed and looked down, "Yeah, well, it's complicated." Raven nodded. She bit her lip.

"Yeah, Clarke told us." Lexa snapped her neck up. She frowned. She eyed her, trying to find out what Raven had meant. "She told us the truth about you two." Lexa still wasn't sure if Raven was talking about the actual truth or a version of the truth Clarke had given them. "You know, your little Karmy get up?" Raven stated, carefully choosing her words in case anyone else was listening. Lexa understood the reference.

"Oh." She clenched her jaw. She then looked at Raven seriously and blurted out, "I _am_ gay." as if she needed Raven to know she didn't lie about that. Raven laughed.

"I have no doubt." She smiled widely. Lexa cleared her throat and nodded.

"I really do have to go." Raven pursed her lips into a tight line and watched Lexa leave the medical center.

* * *

 

Lexa sighed while she sat on her bed. She couldn't place the feeling she was having. It was so intense. She identified it as anger after contemplating it for a few minutes. She retraced her anger to understand who or what she was angry at. It was only when she entered her room and sat down that it had hit her. As if, she had been too busy with other things before. The memory of Raven telling her Clarke had told them the truth lingered. It didn't sit right with her. She wondered whom else Clarke had told. She had identified the source of her anger. It was irrational she knew that, but she felt like it wasn't just Clarke's secret to tell.

She laid down on her bed, hoping the feeling would pass because she knew if it didn't it would push her to confront Clarke about it. And confront her about what, confiding in her friends? She was allowed to do that. Perhaps it was that Clarke was talking about her, and she didn't know how negative that talk was. It was probably extremely negative. She groaned and rolled onto her side. By now, Monty had entered their room. She rolled over and watched him sit down somberly.

"What's up?" She asked.

"I got kicked out of the men's bathroom."

"By who?"

"Campus Watch."

"They can't _do_ that!" Monty smiled sadly at her.

"They can. It's campus rules."

"Well, then we're going to have to change that," Lexa said defiantly letting her authority fill their small dorm room. It made Monty chuckle.

"You and what army?" Lexa bristled playfully.

"Hey, I could call one up. I have connections." Monty laughed.

"Thanks, but I'll try talking to Abby first. She seems reasonable." Lexa nodded.

"Yeah, she is. Can I do anything right now?"

"No, well, you can feed me." Lexa chuckled and the anger she was feeling before evaporated. She hoped it wouldn't be temporary, and the ugly feeling wouldn't come back.

"Let's go," Lexa said though she still felt the repercussions of her morning session. It had left her exhausted, and though she had tried to say it enthusiastically, it probably came out indifferently.

By the time they had descended the stairs, Monty had received a text message from Miller asking him to meet up. Monty had already blown him off twice before and asked Lexa if she minded that they took a rain check on lunch, as he didn't want to give Miller the wrong idea by rejecting him a third time. Lexa didn't mind and told him to go get his guy.

She walked into the dining room and quickly bought her lunch. Before she could sit down next to the window, Gina called her over. She turned around and smiled at Gina though her smile swiftly faltered when she spotted Clarke, who was sitting next to her. She groaned mentally. The few friends she was making _had_ to know Clarke. On top of everything else, she was exhausted, emotionally that was. After her morning therapy session, seeing Clarke was too much for her. It hurt her in ways she didn't consider before, and her instinctive reaction was to lash out or close off.

"Hey, what's up?" Gina obviously didn't know about their history, as she only transferred to Theodosia this semester.

"Clarke needs a music techie for her next performance, but I'm already booked. It's mostly helping by making a soundtrack or motif for her piece, so I thought you'd be perfect. You'd get credit." Lexa stood frozen.

"I can find someone else," Clarke interjected after she realized Gina had been talking about Lexa when she said a classmate of hers would be perfect for the job. She should've connected the dots.

"Why?" Gina smiled widely. "Lex, sit down. Convince her how awesome you are." Lexa reluctantly sat down.

"No need her reputation precedes her," Clarke said with a certain bitterness sticking to her tone. Lexa clenched her jaw. She nodded. Gina must've been oblivious to the tension that was building up between them since she kept on chattering happily.

"Lexa is amazing Clarke; I've listened to some of her mixes in class. I think you guys would be a perfect match." Clarke snorted, but Gina wasn't fazed.

"Imagine that?" Clarke said sarcastically. Then Gina said something about the last chocolate chip cookie she just had to have and left them alone to retrieve said cookie.

Lexa kept her eyes down. When it became clear that they weren't going to strike up any kind of conversation, civil or not, Clarke got up.

"Just tell her I'm going with someone else." Lexa raised an eyebrow.

"Tell her yourself; I'm not a carrier pigeon," Lexa said opening her book and practically ignoring Clarke.

"Right. Cause it's so hard for you to share information." Lexa bristled. She looked up.

"Well, it's definitely not hard for you." She bit, and the anger she felt in her room had crawled back.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Clarke hissed under her breath. She didn't want to make a scene in the middle of the dining hall. Lexa huffed and locked her eyes with Clarke.

"You could've told me that you told Raven and Octavia the truth." Clarke was slightly surprised. How did Lexa even know that?

"Why should I?"

"It's not just your secret Clarke."

"Well, fine, I told Octavia and Raven." Lexa frowned looking confused. "See, I told you now, makes everything better, right?" She seethed sarcastically. Lexa clenched her jaw. No one had gotten her this angry in years. And over what, telling the truth to a few friends? She wanted to cry whether that was out of anger, sorrow, or perhaps both, she didn't know.

"Just don't tell anyone else."

"Why? Afraid you'll get embarrassed." Yes, actually, she was. Lexa chose not to answer. She had been trying to talk to Clarke, to tell her about Costia and everything, hoping that might calm the tension between them and give Clarke a bit of perspective, but every time she spoke to the blonde, it wound up like this, both of them clawing and hissing at each other like cats.  "Whatever, Lexa."

"Clarke, wait." Lexa pinched her eyes shut, hoping to gain some courage. Clarke turned around, and her features softened for a split second. Lexa never knew how to start this conversation. She definitely didn't want to have it here so the first step would be to ask Clarke to have it somewhere else but she failed even to shape words.

"Yes?"

"Can we- uhm-" Lexa sighed. Clarke rolled her eyes.

"Whatever it is, you can shove it," Clarke stated when it took Lexa too long to form a comprehensible sentence.

By the time Gina came back, she eyed Lexa questioningly as she nibbled on a half-eaten cookie. "Where's Clarke? Did she leave already?" Lexa nodded. "Cool, so did you guys-"

"She said she's going with someone else." Gina frowned and sat down.

"That's weird. Did you guys have creative differences or something?" She joked, but Lexa looked at her seriously. "Oh God, did you?" She rolled her eyes.

"No, _Gina_ -" Lexa sounded annoyed. "We," Lexa sighed, "We dated. She's my ex. We're not exactly jumping at the opportunity to work together." Gina's eyes widened.

"Oh, shit-atkee mushroom! Sorry, I didn't know."

"Don't worry about it." Lexa shrugged.

* * *

 

"We should get to class," Lexa said after finishing her ice cream. They had babbled happily for about an hour after they had moved on from the subject of Clarke. Gina was nice, a bit odd, then again who at the academy wasn't?

"Yes, I'm really excited for this one." Lexa chuckled and nodded. The class was motif studies, which was probably the class you could get credits for by composing and cueing the music for one of the drama students.

They reached the classroom after looking for it for about fifteen minutes, as it was located in the basement of Elm College on the other side of campus.

"Hey, dude," Lexa muttered as she sat down next to Niylah.

"Hey." She smiled. "You just missed the introduction, but I think he's going to start over as he's just about realizing people are getting lost on their way here." She chuckled, and Lexa nodded.

Soon enough Prof. Bruin started explaining the course and his expectations.

"Half of your credits for this course are dedicated to practice. You'll have to work together with a drama student to create a motif that accompanies a performance; they are informed or should be at least." Lexa frowned.

"I thought that was optional?" She whispered in Niylah's ear.

"We got the wrong introduction sheet online; that was last year's one. Too many students had written a paper instead of doing the practical, so this year they're forcing everyone to get out there." Lexa sat back uncomfortably.

"Right." She mumbled.

"This is going to be awesome. Who would want to write a paper anyways?" Niylah smiled, but Lexa chuckled nervously. She sighed but tried to be subtle about it. She wasn't exactly looking forward to engaging with the drama students as most of them were friends with Clarke and avoided her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay please don't kill me for the lesbian death by bullet, Costia is dead and was murdered and mew that's how I had written it at first cause gangs *hides* 
> 
> Also *looks at Lexa and drags her under my wing* don't hate my sweet smol, she's scared and uncommunicative but she's also loving, and protective, devoted and patient. *looks at Clarke* and and and Clarke is impulsive and judgmental yes, but she's also loyal, and strong-spirited, determined and honest. If I wanted to write black and white stories with heroes and villains, good versus evil, I would be writing fairy tales. These characters are 19, they are growing and far from perfect and RAOR my inner momma cat will protect my smols, all of them *grabs Octavia and Raven and Monty*
> 
> Okay so lol see you next time folks.


	23. Chapter 23

Clarke plugged the jack into her iPhone and clicked on the song she wanted for her warm-up. It was the first time she was actually alone in the studio. When she considered who to work with this term, she came to the realization she wanted to challenge herself and work alone. This would either be her biggest failure or her biggest win. Being alone in the rehearsal room was daunting, especially because it was up to her to come up with the full choreography. If the assignment were to come up with a simple choreography like last year, it would be easy, but this was about making art. This was performance art and dance mixed into a contemporary melting pot of performative arts. On top of everything else she still needed to find a music major to do her music for collaborative arts I. She wasn't going to let her mind wander to that, though, or she wouldn't be able to rehearse. She shook off her nerves and allowed the song to guide her.

She closed her eyes and exhaled, she had made the playlist with the calm songs first to focus her mind and body and more upbeat songs later to start warming up her body. She stretched her arms up over her head and bowed down, stretching the small of her back while breathing out. She then allowed her arms to swing a few times by her side while bobbing her knees to the rhythm and then catching her hands to raise her arms over her head. She did this a few times until she moved onto the next exercise. She folded into herself, rolling her chin into her chest and then her stomach into her pelvis until she hung forward and her hands were tracing the floor. She started making a figure eight movement with her arms, shifting her weight from one leg to the other.

The song changed, and the rhythm picked up. She was moving around now, exploring the space around her. It was different to explore without trying to connect with someone else or sync with a group. She concluded closing her eyes, for now, was best or she would start feeling self-conscious by looking at herself in the mirror. She didn't have anyone else to play off of and watching herself alone in the space was making her too nervous.

A half an hour passed and she had started repeating certain movements she liked. She hadn't actually decided on a theme, but rather a feeling or an atmosphere she wanted to express. Keeping recent events in her mind, she wanted to capture the feeling of an accelerated breath when feeling anxious or hurt. That slight moment you could feel your heart break or the anticipation to heartbreak. She knew it was a cliché. _'Oh, you're making a piece about a broken heart? How original.'_ Clarke did not want to make it about a broken heart, though; she wanted to make it about accelerated breath; that swirling feeling in your chest when you experienced grief or loss. It didn't have to be a broken heart. It was on her mind, though, and everything she did to find her theme came down to that. She wanted to explore that, and clichés be damned. Or at least that could be a starting point, and it could grow from that.

Just as she was spinning on her leg while pushing her shoulders back and exposing her sweat covered neck, Octavia came into the rehearsal room. She peeked her head through the door and almost startled Clarke when she entered and closed the door behind her rather roughly.

"Jesus O'." Clarke sputtered crossing her arms out in front of her.

"Sorry, I was around, and I thought you could use the company." Clarke deflated a little. In fact, she could use the company. She could even use the feedback, but that would be for another time. She looked at the clock that was hanging on the wall and noted her 2-hour rehearsal was nearly over.

"Thanks," Clarke smiled and picked up a bottle of water to quench her thirst. She then sat down next to Octavia, who threw a small towel at her.

"Dry up, you nasty." Octavia teased, and Clarke shook her head. "You still been daydreaming about someone?" Octavia asked referencing the song she heard when she came in. Clarke rolled her eyes.

"Not everything has a grand meaning O'." She muttered wiping the sweat from her brow. Octavia smiled meekly.

"Sorry."

"It's fine and to answer your question: yes and no." Octavia quirked an eyebrow, "I don't care." Octavia now raised both eyebrows but Clarke silenced her unspoken question, "And I don't want to talk about it." Clarke stated.

"Alright, well how about I cheer you up with something and perhaps someone," Octavia smirked which made Clarke frown.

"Go on." She said sounding amused.

* * *

 

Lexa was pinching the bridge of her nose. How had it been a week since her last therapy session already? How was she sitting in this office again?

"Talking to her would relieve that pressure you're feeling about getting better faster. You need to take your time and shouldn't wish to rush things." Lexa nodded.

"I've tried." She had tried, twice in the last week to talk to Clarke but the girl was hard to either catch or hang onto ones you had caught her. She didn't know how to even begin a conversation with angry Clarke because the only thing that happened was Lexa getting angry as well. She was frustrated, to say the least. "She keeps avoiding me or I don't know what to say. It's like I forget what I want to say or how I want to say every time I look at her. She looks at me with so much anger; I forget my words." Lexa folded her legs under her and groaned silently.

"What about a different communication medium?" Angie suggested, but Lexa frowned.

"What do you mean? Like Facebook?" Lexa hated the idea, but Angie shrugged.

"Perhaps a letter if Facebook seems too impersonal to you." Lexa pursed her lips. In essence, a letter or Facebook was the same thing, but she hated the idea of writing a letter less. She would also not be taunted by the ' _read_ ' or the _'..._ ' if she didn't send it via Facebook.

"I guess." Lexa murmured. "What would I say? How-" Lexa sighed.

"You'll have time to figure it out, make drafts." Lexa nodded and already started thinking about how she would write her letter and how she would deliver it. She considered Clarke's gym locker, no, she almost never went to the gym. She considered handing it to her in person, but she was afraid Clarke would throw it away out of anger. At least if she placed it somewhere she knew Clarke would find it, she wouldn't have to face Clarke's angry expression and the possible reluctance to read the letter.

Lexa watched the clock behind Angie. It was almost time; their hour was almost up. Angie followed her gaze and looked at the clock behind her. She smiled meekly and pursed her lips.

"I want you to email me somewhere this week or maybe come by and tell how writing that letter went." Lexa nodded. This meant that she had to write it somewhere this week. She nodded again and got up.

"Thank you, Angie. I'll see you next week." Lexa said awkwardly and walked out of her office after shaking her hand. Lexa breathed out as she was walking out of the building. She had planned to go over to the dance majors club and talk to some of the first or second years. Or perhaps she could talk to the person in charge? The dance majors had a various amount of student clubs. A club devoted to ballet or a club devoted to hip-hop or multicultural dances, African dance, etc. Lexa pulled out her phone and scrolled through the options. They pretty much all gathered in what they called the 'basement,' though it wasn't actually a basement. The club used to be located where now the radio station was, and the name just stuck. It was an extremely large classroom, which had been reallocated to the student clubs and was divided into two separate areas. One area was full of desks, where you went to register or book spaces, the other area was a social area. Then they had access to a separate gym allocated to the hip-hop club and the African dance club, who often organized workshops and demonstrations.

After a short walk, Lexa found the 'Basement.' She had taken a wrong turn or two and showed up in a somewhat flustered state. It wasn't very busy, for which she was grateful. She made her way towards the main desk, where a blonde girl who was wearing a t-shirt with Basement written on it, sat, and had a sash wrapped around her wrist with 'President' written on it. She looked older and was probably a Masters student. Lexa licked her lips as the girl noticed her.

"Hi, can I help you?"

"Yeah, I'm looking for a first-year or second-year dance major to collaborate with. We're supposed to team up for Collaboration I." The girl brightened when Lexa mentioned the name of the class.

"Oh, yeah I had to do that in my second year. It's given every two years right?" Lexa nodded. It was a collaboration class both first and second years we're supposed to take. "Have you spoken to anyone personally?"

"Most people are already taken." She had heard that, not exactly spoken to people personally. This seemed like a good option.

"Yeah, it's a bit of a pickle. You're not the first one that has asked. I'm already making a list, this a problem that rears its head every time this class is taught. They should really have better organization amongst the teachers." She said sounding annoyed. She sighed looking at Lexa, who just wanted to get out of there. "Can you come back later tonight? The representatives of the first and second years are still going round making this list." Lexa blinked.

"Yes, of course. What time should I come back?" She asked being surprised at how fast the dance club actually organized its things.

"Round 7 pm, just after the hip-hop workshop?" Lexa nodded and smiled. She turned on her heels and walked out of the 'Basement'.

* * *

 

"Octavia, where are we going?" Clarke giggled. She recognized the hallway which would take her to the 'Basement', but she hadn't been there since last year. After Drew graduated she didn't feel like going to the hip-hop workshops anymore, not because she didn't enjoy hip-hop, but because Drew was always the one who convinced her to go. After he had left, she had gotten busy with her summer project, then her first semester and things just moved on. She felt awkward returning now while also telling herself she didn't exactly have time to be joining or giving workshops.

"You'll like it."

"Like what?"

"This surprise," Octavia murmured. She then pulled Clarke in the gym classroom and noticed a familiar set of broad black shoulders.

"Drew?" Clarke smiled. He looked behind him, and his cheeks pressed against his large glasses as he smiled. "Topless again I see." He put on a long shirt, then a sweater on top.

"I was just changing, not like you haven't seen this before."

"Ew." Clarke laughed and hugged him. "What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to conquer New York one commercial at a time?" He feigned feeling hurt.

"I will have you know; the university asked me to give a week of workshops. I'm getting paid this time." Clarke arched an eyebrow.

"Really? How fortunate," Octavia smiled between them. "So you're giving a workshop tonight then?"

"You better be coming Griffin because I _know_ you have been slacking. Can you even still dance?" She punched in the arm, not so playfully. "Damn, ouch, Griff. You're lucky these bad boys are insured." He said flexing his muscles and making Clarke roll her eyes.

"I'll come for old times' sake. Not every day, though, I've got things to do." She chuckled.

"Well, are you free helping me pick some music? There is a shocking absence of music majors or techies down here. Whatever happened?"

"This is the dance club, Drew."

"In my day, we had more collaboration." He said kneeling down and getting his laptop out of his bag.

"In your day, computers only had 64 kilobytes of memory." He turned his head.

"I ain't that old."

"Tic toc, old man." Clarke played and sat down next to him.

"What about Raven?" He asked after shuffling through some of his belongings.

"She's doing stuff at the local radio station today, maybe tomorrow. You should text her." Clarke smiled widely, but then quickly changed the subject to what kind of music they wanted. By now Octavia had sat down on one of the tables that were placed against the walls. She leaned against the bricks lazily and took out her phone. She then snapped a picture of both Drew and Clarke and sent it to Raven.

 _'Guess who's back?_ ' She had written in the description. Soon after Raven had started texting her all kinds of profanity, Drew had basically been her partner in crime when it came to trolling both her and Clarke, so she was pleased if nothing else.

"You're going to need a change of clothes, though." Drew murmured, and Clarke rolled her eyes. She took out a long T-shirt from her bag and changed right then and there. She smirked when she noticed Drew looking at the bra she was wearing. It wasn't the first time she changed in front of him, and she always enjoyed trolling him in her own way. He laughed and cleared his throat when he saw Clarke's playful expression. She pulled the oversized t-shirt over her head and stole his snapback.

"You look like pretty queer with that t-shirt and snapback." Drew chuckled.

"You don't know half of it." Octavia snorted, and Drew looked at Clarke quizzically.

 _'I am so joining the workshop tonight.'_ was the last thing Raven had sent before Octavia started playing candy crush. Yes, it was dated by now, but it was still a good game to pass the time.

* * *

 

Lexa shivered when she pulled out a paper from her desk. She shifted in her seat and hovered her pen over the paper. She closed her eyes. Perhaps it was wise to think of a structure first. What did she want to tell Clarke first?

She wanted to tell her why she was writing this letter first, yes. She licked her lips and took out a different paper, then wrote, _'1. Why'_. She blinked looking at the first words she had gotten on paper, not even the words she would use, and she was already feeling flustered. She looked ahead, what's next? She closed her eyes and breathed out deeply. _'2. Her',_ then she wrote the next, _'3. More than just grief_ ', then finally wrote, _'4. Depression?'_ She had placed a question mark because she wasn't sure if that would be worth sharing. She shook her head and shrugged; she would cross that bridge when she got there.

 _'Dear Clarke,'_ She started, on the white paper. _'I'm writing this letter because when we talked before, I didn't tell you everything and I feel as though you should know everything. Every time I have tried to do so in the past, I lose my words when I look at you_.'

Lexa groaned and crumpled the paper. No, that sounded horrible.

 _'Dear Clarke, I'm writing this letter because I can't seem to find my words face to face.'_ That was slightly better she said quirking her head to the side. Perhaps she shouldn't start with _'Dear, Clarke_.' It sounded so formal. She bundled her brows into a frown as she concentrated on her words. She wouldn't start with 'Dear, Clarke'; it sounded like one of those emails the university would send you after the internet didn't work for an afternoon. She sighed.

 _'I'm writing this letter because I cannot find the words face to face. When you ran out that night after we talked about us_ ,' She gulped as she wrote down the words, _'I didn't tell you everything I wanted to say. I lacked courage and by the time you were gone, I couldn't find it in me to come after you. Lately, I have been angry which prevents me even more from speaking to you. With this letter, I would like to tell you about Costia._ ' Lexa paused and stared at the name. She only realized now that she hadn't written her name in so long, she smiled sadly at the loop of the C and the swift ending of the a. She breathed in deeply and continued. _'You were right when you said I saw her or spoke to her in Indianapolis. In a way I did, in my heart, I feel as if my words reached her. What I failed to mention was that I was talking to her tombstone. Costia Evergreen was her name, and she died two years ago. She was murdered. When I said I wasn't ready, I meant I wasn't ready to let her go. Not yet. That doesn't mean that I don't care about you, I just need time to heal a little longer. And really I'm trying Clarke. Not only am I trying to heal from Costia but everything that happened afterward. I had a rough time, and I didn't deal very well, I was even homeless for a while and stayed shelters. I am not trying to convey a sob story here, nor am I trying to find excuses for how I acted around Christmas. I was wrong, and I don't blame you for being angry. I won't even blame you if you would keep being angry, but I thought you should know that I didn't get some kind of second chance with an ex and that I'm trying to fade you out. I'm not. Costia is dead, and all I'm trying to do is find peace and closure before I open a new chapter in my life. I wanted, to be honest, because I have been withholding things for a while, not just from you, but from everyone, including myself. I don't know how to end this letter, I don't even know if I did a good job writing it, but I said what I wanted you to know, and I guess that's enough.  
Lexa.'_

She looked at the small note, it wasn't a full fleshed letter like she had hoped it would be. Perhaps if she left it for a while and then returned to it, she would be able to make it better. However, all she wanted to do now was just hand it to Clarke. She wanted to get it over with. She wasn't an eloquent writer; she knew that. She glanced at the clock, which read 4:21 pm. She sighed. She had gotten up really early that morning and could really benefit from a nap.

* * *

 

Lexa arrived early, around 6:45 pm, at the basement and heard some music coming from the gym area. She gulped awkwardly and peeked through the opening of the door. She rested her whole body against the frame and was enamored by what she saw.

It was Octavia dancing a certain routine with a few other girls. They were just about ending because a tall guy with glasses and Clarke entered the self-made dance floor. She watched Clarke grin at him and felt an irritating fire ignite at the bottom of her stomach. The music started, and Lexa's mouth fell open. She had seen Clarke dance before but this was a different level. This wasn't impressive based on skill alone, but this was mainly, hot. Her blonde locks cut the air around her when she moved more viciously; she even ran her hands through her hair and pressed it into her skull. Lexa's heart was beating fast, and she clutched onto the letter she kept in her pocket.

Then when Clarke bobbed her chest while stepping backward, Lexa licked her lips and made sure no one was watching her as she watched, no drooled over Clarke. The crowd surrounding them cheered every time they hit a certain move sharper than the one before. By now, Lexa's chest was heaving quickly, and she didn't notice that Raven had spotted her.

"Fancy seeing you here," She stated, startling Lexa. The brunette had hidden behind the door frame.

"Raven," She said shakily.

"You know, you could always come in."

"No, no. Uhm, that's okay. I'm early; I was supposed to talk to the president."

"I don't think Obama is available right now, but I can get Britney if you want." Lexa chuckled though she still felt on edge.

"Hilarious," Lexa quirked an eyebrow as she watched Octavia noticing Raven's absence. "You're being missed." She said cocking her head in Octavia's direction.

"I'll see you later," Lexa smiled and nodded.

"Not likely." She muttered sadly. She was startled again by Britney. She didn't even see Raven approach her. Where did she come from? She grasped her elbow after saying a quick hello and dragged her to her desk. She had dragged her through the gym, though, as it seemed to be a shortcut. Lexa blinked when she locked her gaze with Clarke's. She saw the guy she was previously dancing with, whisper something in her ear and quickly diverted her eyes as she bit back a snarl.

Clarke frowned. She just couldn't get away from her, could she? Had she followed her here? What was she doing here?

"Damn, who's the hottie?" Drew whispered in Clarke's ear, not wanting to disturb any of the others.

"Her ex," Octavia answered with a smirk on her lips after having overheard. Clarke scowled at her friend.

"Your ex? Damn!" Drew said with a high pitched voice but was hushed with scowls thrown his way.

"Stop. It's not- it's complicated." Clarke huffed and walked towards the desk area where she had watched Lexa being dragged into. She groaned, she wanted to march over there and ask her what the hell she was doing here? This was her club, her people. She turned on her heels, but before she could stomp her way back into the gym, Britney called her over. Lexa tensed and shook her head.

"Clarke, I'm glad you're here," Britney said eyeing the two of them. "I have partnered you with Lexa for the collaboration project." Clarke frowned, feeling taken slightly off guard.

"What? No." she protested.

"Look, I've paired up the rest. Besides, aren't you two dating-"

"We broke up." Clarke hissed, and Britney nodded awkwardly as she scratched her head.

"Right, that would explain why you came to me for a partner." She said looking at Lexa. "Well, I could pair you up with Murphy?" Clarke sighed. She had left this to the last minute, and now she was paying the price.

"No, he's a dick."

"Look, you're not the only one with reservations about who to work with, I can't please everyone." Clarke gaped at her.

"Britney-" Lexa was trying to argue her decision as well. Let Clarke have Murphy; she would go with someone else, but Britney groaned.

"Look, come back tomorrow. I'll see if I can figure something out. I'm sorry, I couldn't give you an answer today Lexa. I'm trying to tiptoe around all the drama." She said obviously exasperated, and Lexa felt bad for her at that moment. She didn't want to be a source of drama or frustration for yet another person.

"It's fine. We'll do it." Clarke snapped her head towards her.

"I have a say in this too remember?"

"Clarke, she's obviously upset."

"Oh, and now you're guilt tripping me." By now, Britney had shaken her head and walked towards the gym. She didn't want to witness that fight.

"I'm not." Lexa sighed, still holding onto the letter. It was never going to be the right time to have this conversation with her or hand the letter to her. She might as well do it now. "I just felt bad for Britney. I'm sorry if you feel like I'm making a decision for you. I'm just tired." Lexa said honestly. Clarke's demeanor softened. She wanted so desperately to be angry, but she was tired as well.

Lexa felt a regression in the tension and took the opportunity to take out the letter. She wanted to put it in a place she knew Clarke would find it but it would drive her crazy not knowing whether the blonde had found the letter or not. It outbalanced the fear of Clarke disregarding the letter in front of her. She took it out and looked at it as she held onto it with both hands. Clarke's eyes darted down. She knitted her brows together until finally Lexa straightened her back and shoved the letter into Clarke's hands. She didn't mean to do it so forcefully, but the courage she had collected came bursting out all at once and expressed itself as anger. Clarke was startled, and Lexa turned on her heels quite quickly. Clarke had barely time to examine what Lexa had shoved rather forcefully in her hands before the brunette had exited the 'Basement' and she was left standing alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm ill and this chapter will probably be crap because of it, I can barely type but I didnt want to leave it longer.  
> If you want to see what Clarke was listening to as she rehearsed this was the last song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_wFMY0r7X-w
> 
> Also the hip hop sequence could be anything from MattSteffina, I'm basing Drew on him only a black version of him.  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OzYeofpdM8A  
> this is what I had in mind. Okay Celine out.  
> See you next week folks.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previously: Clarke got handed the letter Lexa wrote wherein she explains about Costia's death

Clarke sat in her room looking carefully at the envelope. It had been a week since Lexa handed it to her, or rather shoved it in her hands. She wanted to read whatever it was then and there, but she needed to read it privately. She made it to her room that night, and for some reason, placed it on her nightstand and looked at it for hours while contemplating what possibly could be written, right until Octavia came home. The brunette had scolded her for not reading it immediately. In fact, she scolded her every day since.

"Looking at the damn letter again?" Octavia huffed as she started stripping down to her underwear. "Something important could be written in there you know?" Octavia had played the hateful protective friend for months now. She had done that for Clarke so that Clarke would feel better. She was loyal if nothing else, but this was getting tiring.

"Why do you care? You're the one that keeps bitching about Lexa. I would think you would tell me not to read it." Octavia paused and looked over her shoulder.

"I'm on your side Clarke, so when you tell me 'we don't like her', we don't, but I see you torturing yourself every single day since she gave you that letter. All I want is for you to get some peace of mind, and right now you're not. So just get over it. What's the worst thing that can happen?"

"Uh, I don't know? She tells me exactly what I have been afraid of hearing, and I get my heart broken all over again?" Clarke sulked looking at the letter, which made Octavia cock her head sideways. Octavia sighed and sat down next to Clarke so she could reach out to her hand.

"You already got your heart broken, so worst case scenario she confirms everything you've been wondering, and best case scenario she tells you something else. Best or worst, you can still hate her if that is what you need. You don't need a justification for being hurt and taking care of yourself." Octavia said and squeezed her hand. "I'm going to take a shower. Please read that." She said and exited the room with her towel in one hand and shampoo in the other.

Clarke could already feel a lump growing in the back of her throat. She was scared. Listening to Lexa tell her she didn't want her was hard enough, but having the words pressed on paper for eternity, so she could torture herself rereading it, was paralyzing. She bit her lip and shook her head.

_'I'll do it tomorrow.'_

She started putting on her running shoes, but then she thought of Octavia judging her, she thought of running into Lexa, who would expect her to have read it and how much it would probably hurt her to know Clarke still hadn't. She had managed to stay in her room for the past week, only getting out to go to classes and making sure to take routes she knew Lexa never took. She had to go to Marlow studio today, though, which was in the music building and Lexa's dorm.

"Fuck." She looked at her clock. She only had half an hour time before her rehearsal started. What if this gutted her? This was an important rehearsal; she couldn't fuck up today. She was meeting Murphy to see if they could work together. This was her last chance, and if she fucked it up, she would have to work with Lexa. Lexa had told her that she would work with her last week, but she told Britney that she would try with Murphy first.

She groaned loudly, then grabbed the letter. She would read it after the rehearsal. She just had to hope she wouldn't bump into Lexa.

When she walked over to Marlowe, she clenched her jaw. Of course, hoping she wouldn't bump into Lexa was futile. She even had the instinct to hide behind the corner, but her friend had already seen her. It was the same blonde Clarke had seen her with before, and they seemed to be growing closer every time she saw them. The worst thing about it was that she was jealous. Ever since Lexa had told her she didn't want her, she was suspicious of every girl Lexa hung around with. What if the letter would tell her that she's dating this girl? Clarke groaned and brushed her fingers over the edges of the letter, which sat in her pocket.

"Clarke," Lexa said with a hopeful shine in her voice. She seemed to be trying to catch her breath. Clarke averted her eyes and swallowed.

"Hey." She murmured, hoping she wouldn't sound hostile. She didn't know what was in the letter, and she wanted to give the most neutral response possible. Unfortunately, Lexa's expression fell. At that moment, she knew Clarke hadn't read the letter, which had always been a possibility. She nodded and started walking away. She felt angry but mostly hurt. Niylah was quick on her heels and ran after Lexa while she left Clarke with one lasting look.

Clarke breathed out being so relieved, but there was regret sticking to her lungs. She closed her eyes and shook her head, barely unnoticeably. She was sorry she hadn't read the letter. She should've by now. She just didn't want to face whatever was written in it.

* * *

 

"I'm trying here Clarke," Murphy muttered. To be honest, the guy wasn't too bad. She had met him last year, and he was an imperial dick, but he seemed to have a change of attitude. He appeared to care less for dramatics.

"I know, I just- I can't do classical. If I do something like you're suggesting, I will get a bad grade." He scoffed at the offensive remark.

"Whatever, Clarke. I'm the one trying to find a compromise here, not dictating the process." Clarke pinched the bridge of her nose.

"I know, I'm sorry. I am trying to compromise, but we're obviously in different areas of performative arts. You're very historical, and I have respect for that but-"

"It's not what you're into."

"I'm sorry." He shrugged.

"It's okay; I'll talk to my tutor. You should too, you know? We'll both be swimming in piles of shit if we don't find someone by next week." She nodded.

"I know." She muttered. "Thanks for trying, though." She smiled at Murphy and wondered what had happened to make his character change so much. She smiled shyly when he exited the rehearsal studio. She looked at her watch, and she still had an hour in the studio.

She breathed out sharply and took out the letter. She could dance it out if worse came to worst. Her lips trembled as she slowly opened it. She closed her eyes when she unfolded it. She held her breath after she dared to read the first sentence. She found herself reading it extremely slowly, dreading the end of the letter.

 _'I have been angry'_ Clarke closed her eyes. Lexa _was_ angry at her, and it already felt like her stomach was burning from the inside out. She felt even worse when she read _'Costia_ ' because she couldn't contain her jealousy. She got so angry when she read that Lexa was saying that she was right. She had seen her ex in Indianapolis. Clarke wanted to crumple up the paper and scream, but she needed to keep reading. Next, she read something she didn't expect to find. _'She died two years ago. She was murdered.'_ Clarke's heart plummeted to the floor, hammering loudly, all the way down. She frowned emotionally.

"She's dead." She whispered to herself and licked her lips. She felt like such an idiot. Worse, she felt extremely guilty. She continued to read; she owed Lexa this much. Clarke read over the words, where Lexa had said that she cared about her, but even though seeing it here inked down on paper, it still did not feel like the words were true. She understood having to heal, but that didn't make the mixed signals she had given her any less true. The only difference now was that Clarke felt like she wasn't allowed to be angry. She felt sorry for Lexa, and all she wanted to do was run to her and hug her, tell her everything was fine, that she would wait for her, for as long as she wanted, but then a certain bitterness tainted the taste of her mouth. She wouldn't be that person. She still had been lied to; she still felt used.

Clarke sighed but continued reading. Her eyes almost popped out of their sockets when she read, _'I was even homeless for a while and stayed in shelters.'_ Her mouth fell open.

"Oh my God." She muttered almost not believing the words while she straightened out her arms, then brought them back towards her torso. "Fuck." She spat while resting her head in her palms. The guilt kept growing. She felt guilty for her behavior towards Lexa, but even more for what she was feeling. It's not like she could turn it off, but she did understand things a little better. She then continued reading.

 _'I won't even blame you if you keep being angry,'_ She hated how much comfort this sentence gave her. She hated how much she needed to be angry so it wouldn't hurt as much. Next, she nodded and smiled sadly when she read _'trying to fade you out. I'm not_.' It was as if Lexa had read her mind and put her fears to bed. She cried and hugged the letter; she pressed it to her chest. She sniffed loudly. She was sorry for everything, but she also still felt angry and hurt. She couldn't turn it off. She was grateful for this letter but in essence, it didn't change much, which was the saddest thing about this all.

She brushed her tears and grabbed the keys to the rehearsal studio so she could return them to campus watch. She carefully folded the letter and glided it into her back pocket. When she exited the studio she watched the blonde she had seen before, run up the stairs. She was giggling. She paused for a second and at that moment wanted more than anything to know what the girl was giggling about. Her jealousy made time blur and anchored her paralyzed. She wanted to know who this girl was and how important she was to Lexa.

She huffed when she noticed it started raining again. She went out, wrapping her scarf tightly around her neck and rushed to campus watch. The street lights illuminated the rain and made it seem as if it was coming down more heavily than it actually was.

She laid down on her bed and closed her eyes. Before she could even start drifting off, she heard a pair of giggles behind her door. She didn't even have to wonder who they belonged to. She sighed lightly. Perhaps they would believe she was sleeping if she just remained in this position.

Soon enough both Raven and Octavia burst in. They paused for a moment noticing Clarke, but Octavia had been living with Clarke for two years now. She knew how her breathing sounded when slept, how creepy that may be. Clarke was not sleeping.

"I guess you read the letter then," Octavia said as she gestured for Raven to sit on Clarke's bed with her. Clarke sighed. Of course, they wouldn't buy her pretense. She turned around and looked flushed.

"I did." She murmured. Octavia, impatient as ever, huffed and made Clarke rest her head on her lap.

"What did it say then?" Clarke just wanted to sleep. Before she could answer, though, she heard fireworks. In fact, she saw them through her window;

"What the fuck?" she croaked when she watched pink fireworks burst into the landscape.

"Ah. Right on time. That's some irony for you." Raven said and rubbed her lips together. Clarke was still confused.

"What?" She snapped though she didn't mean to. Raven averted her eyes awkwardly.

"Valentine's?" She said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Oh." Clarke stated, "Of course." She rolled her eyes and groaned into Octavia's lap. "I forgot it was that damn holiday today."

"Clarke, we agreed last week we would go to the anti valentine's day party. You were extremely excited." Octavia deadpanned.

"I was extremely drunk as well."

"So let's get extremely drunk again, besides this is totally not anti for me. I get to spend Valentine's with my two beautiful wives." Raven countered. Clarke rolled on her side.

"Oh really? Where is my card and box of chocolates then?" Octavia sassed.

"I didn't know you were into that stuff. I could get us some whipped cream, though." Raven winked, and Octavia groaned.

"You had to go there." She shuddered, but Raven started laughing. Clarke was staring ahead. She was taking it all in. This wasn't the best time to get drunk. She would most likely end up crying in the bathroom with Raven holding her hair back and Octavia rubbing her back.

"Come on Clarkey," Raven said patting her thigh. "Or we could stay here, have a girl's night?" Clarke snorted.

"Yeah, so I can break down and tell you all my secrets again."

"At least when you tell us your secrets we can help," Octavia muttered which made Clarke sigh. It's not like she didn't want to tell Octavia everything, she did. She wasn't sure what she was afraid of more, Octavia mirroring her anger or not telling her she shouldn't be angry. Neither would make her feel better. Truth be told, she just wanted Lexa. She wanted to see her, not sure what she would say or how it would make her feel, but she wanted to see her. After reading that letter, she needed to.

She huffed and turned around. Then picked out the letter from her bag and handed it to Octavia.

"You might as well read it. I don't care." Octavia widened her eyes.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, O'. You too, Raven."

"I'll pass," Raven said disapproving of this idea. These were Lexa's words, and she had no business reading them. She would listen to Clarke if she felt the need to tell her what Lexa said and how she felt about it, but actually reading the letter seemed like she was invading Lexa's privacy and abusing her trust. Octavia however shrugged and started reading it. Halfway through the letter, you could see her face fall.

"Oh." She muttered and looked up regretfully. "This is awful." She said sadly. "I'm sorry, Clarke." She wasn't sure why she was apologizing to Clarke; maybe she wanted to convey her regret, and maybe she hoped that regret would reach Lexa by saying it to Clarke.

"What am I supposed to do now? How can I even be angry at her?" Clarke said as her voice broke. Octavia sighed and brushed her hair out of her face.

"I told you before; you don't need justification for being hurt or angry. You need to care of yourself." Octavia said sadly. "That being said, you might want to talk to her. Just to I don't know-" Octavia shook her head. "I can't believe she was homeless." She muttered absent-mindedly. Raven widened her eyes at the newfound information.

"Jesus fucking Christ," Raven whispered. Octavia nodded.

"Are you sure you don't want to read this?" She looked at Raven, but the Latina shook her head.

"If Clarke wants to talk about it, I'm all ears, but that letter wasn't meant for me. It's not my business."

"Well, maybe I do want to talk about it, Rae. That's why I gave you the damn letter so that I can." Raven looked at Clarke and sighed, feeling defeated.  She huffed and laid out her hand. Octavia handed her the letter and soon after Raven skimmed through it. She raised her eyebrows and breathed out.

"Her girlfriend died." Raven nodded. She then remembered watching Lexa come out of student support, and it all started to make sense. She had had it _rough_ , which for someone like Lexa, was basically code for going through some serious shit. She had been homeless after her girlfriend had died.

"Clarke?" Raven said scratching the back of her neck. She wasn't sure whether to tell Clarke or not.

"What?" Raven bit her lip.

"I saw Lexa, like weeks ago, coming out of the mental health center." She said hesitantly. Clarke sat up.

"Seriously?" Clarke leaned back against the headboard. She wished Lexa had told her about this part. _'I guess she did when she said she had had a rough time.'_ She thought deeply. She grimaced slightly.  "She never told me that." She stared ahead then asked Raven, "Do you know why she was there?" Raven heaved her shoulders.

"Honey, it's not my business. I didn't ask. You could, though." Clarke nodded.

"I guess." Another explosion startled them, and Octavia stood up.

"Right, well I'm getting ready. I might pull someone tonight." She smiled.

"Don't get too cocky my darling. I ain't that easy." Raven joked as she passed Octavia, who sputtered incomprehensible words at her and stomped out. Raven laughed which lightened the mood considerably.

* * *

 

"Come here. I'll do your makeup." Niylah said shuffling over to Lexa. Lexa raised an eyebrow.

"I can do my own makeup you know?" She muttered sounding annoyed.

"Darling, I have no doubt that you can, but I'm bored, and we're waiting for Monty and Miller." Lexa sighed quietly and then gave her a solid nod. Niylah smiled and started with the base. "So, how are you feeling about tonight?" She asked, and Lexa shrugged.

"I don't really care. I just want to have a good time, put my mind on something other than school." Angie had cleared her for drinking so she would take advantage of it. They had talked it over for hours and Angie was confident that Lexa wouldn't use drinking as an escape. She also told Lexa that if she was anxious, she shouldn't drink, because anything that was worrying her that much, she just shouldn't do. There was no real reason be concerned, though, so that gave her some comfort.

"School and Clarke you mean?" Niylah quirked an eyebrow while dipping her brush in some eyeshadow. Lexa sighed.

"I gave her the letter. She didn't even bother to read it. I could see it by the way she was looking at me this afternoon." Niylah nodded.

"I think you did what you could Lex." Lexa nodded sadly. "If she doesn't read it, that's her business."

"I know that's what Angie said." Lexa nodded solemnly. She didn't know how she had gained such a deep connection to Niylah, but she had. She had told her about therapy last week when she had had a minor break down and didn't show up for the group meeting. She trusted Niylah, even though she only knew her a little over a month.

"Well, you should listen to Angie." Lexa snorted and then nodded.

"Yeah, I know." She smirked.

By the time Monty and Miller showed up, Niylah was done with Lexa's makeup. She smiled, pleased with herself. "Ready?" Lexa asked.

After a short walk, they arrived at the anti-Valentine's party. Lexa was very much aware there was a big chance that she would see Clarke here, but after this afternoon, she put her feelings on hold. It hurt that Clarke hadn't read it, and she wanted to be angry. In fact, she kind of was, but she had told Clarke (in her letter that was) that she was allowed to stay angry. She was completely prepared her letter wouldn't change anything. So, this wasn't any different. She had basically given Clarke a free anger card, so she wasn't allowed to be mad that she hadn't read her letter.

It was pretty late, and the decor was full of broken pink hearts which made her snort. Some bitter people had organized this. She wasn't exactly bitter over love, in fact, she didn't mind valentines, she could even go as far to say that she had enjoyed Valentine's day when she had celebrated it.

"I'm going to get us some drinks," Niylah said and left Lexa with Monty and Miller. Both boys had already started grinding into each other. Lexa shook her head. It was amusing, but it was also slightly uncomfortable. She wasn't intoxicated enough to dance on her own. She looked for Niylah at the bar. Instead, she found Raven, who looked at her with wide eyes.

"Hey," Raven said awkwardly.

"Hey," Lexa said dismissively; she was still looking for Niylah. It was nothing personal, but right now she didn't want to deal with anything related to Clarke. Soon enough Niylah had found her instead and held out a drink. Lexa gladly took it and narrowed her eyes at Raven. The brunette had been eyeing Niylah as if she was trying to figure out who she was. "What Raven?" Lexa barked after Niylah said she would hand Monty and Miller their drinks then meet Lexa at one of the tables. Lexa wasn't sure why she hadn't just gone with Niylah, instead of standing here, awkwardly, next to Raven. Maybe she wanted to know why Raven was eyeing Niylah so peculiarly.

"Since when are you two close?" Lexa shrugged.

"We have the same classes. I like her." Raven's mouth fell over.

"You like her? So what, you not being ready is just complete bullshit?" Lexa spat out her drink.

"What? No, of course not." Lexa growled. Is this what Clarke thought? "I don't _like_ her Raven. I mean I like her as a friend. I'm making friends, considering my old ones aren't exactly around." She threw a dig. She knew it wasn't fair. Whenever you would get along with your girlfriend's friends, it was a rule that you agreed if you broke up, they would be on her side. They were her friends.

Raven bit her lip; she felt guilty. Lexa was right, but Clarke came first. It's not like they had stopped talking, but Clarke did take precedence.

"I'm sorry."

"No, I'm sorry. That was unfair. I just-" She sighed. "I should go, she's waiting for me." Raven nodded and scolded herself for even starting this stupid conversation. How could she have even accused Lexa of that? They had just seemed to close, and the way that Niylah looked at Lexa wasn't exactly platonic.  Had she gone with Octavia and Clarke to get chocolate tits or penises, she would not have created this situation.

Five minutes later Octavia and Clarke showed up with the chocolate. They had also brought pink jello shots with them. This whole party was a pink explosion.

* * *

 

Lexa swayed on her feet; she was definitely buzzed. She needed air, though, or a cigarette would be nice. She hadn't had one in months. She had decided to cut down after she started 'dating' Clarke, to a point that she had just stopped altogether. Now, though, she could really use one.

"You got a light?" She asked one of the guys outside. He nodded and handed his lighter. Niylah had passed her one of her cigarettes but passed on going with her. She was having a good time with a random blonde. Lexa didn't mind; she needed some space anyways.

The terrace looked over the small lake they had on campus. It was the same lake she had sat by, on her first day here. She smiled at the memory. She could still see Jasper coming to sit next to her. God, was she skeptic of him. Now that she knew him better, she concluded he probably was hitting on her, which was hilarious considering she went and got with someone else.

A popular song came on, and a lot of people rushed inside. She was almost standing alone by now. When she heard the door slam, she assumed is was people still going back inside.

"Hey." She heard behind her, though. She spun around quickly when she recognized the voice.

"Hey." She said and made sure she didn't blow any smoke onto her face.

"I haven't seen you smoke in ages." She stated, and Lexa shrugged.

" I needed one." Soon enough nothing was said and Lexa, having drunk a little too much, sighed and asked, "What do you want Clarke?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to leave you guys hanging, I'll update soon though :') I know some of you are expecting Clarke to forgive Lexa and they would have this nice period of waiting for Lexa to get ready, but I just don't think Clarke has it in her to be that. 
> 
> Now, who enjoyed Eurovision as I did? I mean the highlights of the evening were: Petra's sarcasm (Yas girl), the daunting feeling of Australia winning (how would that even been hosted next year?) and the lovely quote: "If there is room in the heart there is room in the butt." 
> 
> I will try to update tomorrow to make up for the two week hiatus :) if not soon.


	25. Chapter 25

Clarke shifted from one foot to the other. She paused for a second so she could catch her breath. Lexa by now had turned her attention back to the water while she was inhaling the smoke, though she hadn't turned her back on Clarke completely. Clarke attentively stepped forward and leaned her hands against the balustrade. She looked at the cigarette in Lexa's hand.

"Can I have some?" Lexa looked sideways, then noticed Clarke was looking at the cigarette in her hands.

"Of my cigarette?" Clarke hummed. "Since when do you smoke?" Lexa asked.

"Since it seems to be working so well for you," Clarke muttered. She sounded annoyed, which made Lexa smirk. She handed it to Clarke without saying another word. Clarke had actually never smoked in her life, which is probably why, when she inhaled the smoke, she ended up having a coughing fit. Lexa chuckled and took the cigarette from her hand. She shook her head and smiled because she found the blonde endearing.

"Don't make fun of me," Clarke stated, and Lexa chuckled even more.

"Sorry." She giggled. She held Clarke's gaze a little too long and gulped. Her smile faltered as she said, "You shouldn't be smoking anyways." Lexa returned to watch the lights of the lake house reflect onto the water.

They stood there for a few minutes, enjoying the silence, but also each other. It had been so long since they had been breathing the same air, and they weren't at each other's throats. Or maybe Clarke at Lexa's. They were so close; they were almost touching.  It was nice to pretend for a minute everything was alright, that Clarke hadn't been hurt and that Lexa was ready.

"I miss you," Clarke whispered after a few minutes. She knew once she had spoken the words out loud, the moment was over. There it was, their baggage laid out in front of them. Lexa swallowed deeply. She could feel the emotion that was trapped rise from her chest, all the way up to her eyes. She nodded. It was barely noticeable.

"I miss you too." She murmured, and her voice cracked when she spoke because she was afraid to say more. Her eyes mirrored the water of the lake when the lights flickered in the gloss of her eyes as they filled to the brim. They couldn't look at each other. It's like they were using the lake as a soundboard to reach one another.

Clarke took a deep breath and said, "I'm sorry for what happened to you." Lexa nodded and frowned, the pulled another breath of smoke out of the cigarette she was still holding. "I didn't realize she- I-" Clarke wasn't too sure how to even say this, and thankfully Lexa interrupted her.

"You don't have to say anything."

 _'Don't I? I should, I need-'_ Clarke's thoughts halted as they met Lexa's eyes. This time, Lexa managed to redirect her gaze completely to Clarke. She was nearly crying, but managed to push a smile through her sharp features, "I was convinced you hadn't read it." She said referring to their awkward encounter earlier that afternoon. Clarke took the cigarette from Lexa's hand, shortly brushing her hand against hers, and took another drag from the cig, this time sucking the air in faster so that she wouldn't choke on it.

"I hadn't until a few hours ago." She sadly and Lexa nodded as she arched her eyebrows. At least she had read it. All Lexa wanted was a reaction, so that she knew Clarke valued the vulnerability Lexa had given her. The worst thing would've been that Clarke would've had no reaction at all. She didn't want pity or love or anything like that, just simple acknowledgment. That was enough for her.

"Thank you for reading it," Lexa said absent-mindedly. Clarke nodded and licked her lips.

"I'm sorry it took so long." Clarke murmured. ' _I wish I could change everything.'_ Lexa gave her a wry smile.

"It's okay; it doesn't matter." She sniffed and inhaled more smoke. This time, Clarke could feel her chest quaking.

"It does." There was a pregnant pause before Clarke continued. "I wish I could-" She needed to catch her breath for this, as she wouldn't be able to say it with a gap sticking in the middle of her sentence. "I wish I could say that it changed everything." She sniffed loudly which in turn only made Lexa's chest suffocate with anguish. "But, I just-"

"Clarke-" Lexa couldn't take more, her voice betrayed her. She could barely utter the words.

"God, and I wish I could stay angry at you. I _needed_ that anger." She said choking on her words and this time a tear rolled around Lexa's cheek.

"You can still be angry at me if that's what you need," Lexa said, and her lips trembled. Clarke laughed sadly, then shook her head. Her hair fell in front of her eyes when she looked down at her feet. Of course, she wasn't angry anymore, all she wanted was to reach out and- no. Did this solve Clarke's trust issues? No. 

Lexa wanted to reach out to Clarke so badly to find comfort in her embrace as she once did. She almost did when Clarke reached out to her. The gesture was barely noticeable, but it was there. Clarke opened her mouth and stretched out her fingers. She wouldn't have had the strength to reject her if it hadn't been for Octavia and Raven. Lexa had noticed them watching from the inside as the door was transparent. "You should go." She said brushing away the tears that were falling and turned her gaze to the lake. Clarke frowned but then looked over her shoulder. She looked back at lexa and swallowed her tears. 

"I'm sorry," Clarke admitted with a broken voice.  _'Tell me more,'_   Clarke sniffed while shaking her head. ' _I'm afraid.'_ Lexa inhaled deeply. The brunette carved her nails into the wood.

"Me too," Lexa whispered, and Clarke turned on her heels.

* * *

 

"I promise this will distract you." Niylah said a few days after the party. She had found Lexa at the lake, quietly crying. If it weren't for the tears rolling down Lexa's cheek, no one would've ever had suspected her of feeling anything but content. She had dragged Lexa home and tucked her in. After that she had told her band, who was currently looking for a bass player, to give Lexa a chance. She had a great voice, and her music skills were off the charts. "It'll be an opportunity to meet people; you could even get into the music society at school."

"Now, don't get too excited."

"Why not? You've been with the radio station since the beginning of the year so they wouldn't mind you as a PR or manager or something."

"Niylah," She sighed. "One thing at a time."

"I just want to help. You seemed so upset-"

"Alright, you don't have to get into it." Lexa chuckled. She felt embarrassed about the number of times Niylah had to console her, most of the time over Clarke. Niylah grinned and guided the brunette into one of the music rooms. There, a few people sat. She recognized Gina, but the rest was unknown to her.

"Okay, guys this is Lexa." Lexa puckered her lips and nodded awkwardly. She held up her hand, to indicate a wave, though her arm wasn't moving.

"Welcome." A girl said as her afro bounced when she waved enthusiastically. Lexa chuckled and almost blushed. She was really pretty.

"Okay, this is Althea," Niylah said pointing at the black girl that had just welcomed them. She mouthed a cute _'Hi'_. "And that's Athol." She pointed at a guy with auburn hair. He gave her a content nod. "And you already know Gina, though she's our techie for the group, not a musician." Gina gave Lexa a comforting smile and tapped the spot next to her.

"Hi, thanks for letting me audition."

"It's hardly an audition. I don't think Niylah will be happy with anyone else." Althea snorted, but Niylah shoved her playfully.

"Still T, we need to hear her." Althea rolled her eyes and eyed Lexa's guitar case.

"Alright girl, show us what you got." She grinned and Lexa then realized she hadn't unpacked her bass. Well, it wasn't her bass. Unfortunately, she had sold her instruments after Costia died, thinking she would never play again. She borrowed this from Roan. She didn't have money to buy a bass, but the university was happy to supply her with an instrument. Roan especially had been excited when Lexa asked if she could use a bass to play with. At that moment she made a mental note, to save up for a bass. She would try to get to Boston, one way or another, to spin, so she could earn some money as she had given up her job at the radio station.

"Right." She said confidently and put on her icy mask. She was grateful there were only a handful of people that managed to read her without her consent. Clarke had become one of those people; she contemplated for a second before she told herself to focus on the task at hand, which was to impress Niylah's band. She pulled out the bass and plugged it into the amplifier. Niylah turned on the music, she would play along with, which was 'Virtual Insanity'.

Soon after the intro, she started playing the bass. It appeared she had gotten Athol's attention as he stopped reading his magazine and looked up with focused eyes. His eyes darkened momentarily, which amused Niylah. She could hardly blame the boy; Lexa was hot, even hotter when she played bass. Besides that, he could also not ignore that Lexa was pretty good, in fact, she was very talented. He looked at Niylah and curved his lips downwards to indicate he was impressed. Althea never doubted. The minute Lexa had entered, she looked at the long fingers and the swag that seemed to exuberate from her. She didn't need to be convinced; she trusted Niylah and her instincts. This was merely a confirmation of her suspicions.

When the song ended, the room remained quiet, which to say the least was unnerving for Lexa.

"So..." She trailed off, and it was as if she had woken them up from their daze, especially Athol.

"Yeah, that's was great! Sorry, I was still taking it in. You're welcome to join the band if you're up for it."He babbled.

"Cute," Niylah commented and in return received an angry scowl.

"Uh, I'd like that." She said, still hoping to convey confidence.

"Then it's settled. Welcome to the group. We've got a gig next week, so we're rehearsing every day from Tuesday onwards."

"Okay, cool. I'll send you my schedule?" Althea nodded at Lexa's suggestion. They decided to have a jamming session that afternoon so that they could get to know each other. It would be a pity if they wouldn't get along after Lexa showed how capable she was. They did, though, in fact, they got along really well. Even though Athol was kind of a basic straight white guy, he was really okay. She didn't agree with all the statements he made, but they weren't dealbreakers. Althea, on the other hand, was right up her alley. They immediately hit it off, and Niylah managed to drag Lexa into making fun of Athol by the end of the session. By the time, the meeting was over Althea asked Lexa what she was doing the day after as she needed a study buddy.

"Yeah, I'll be in the library from 12 onwards."

"Great, I'll see you then." Niylah arched an eyebrow.

"That's going well." She mused, and Lexa rolled her eyes.

"I'm making friends. I'm allowed aren't I?"

"Yes, you make all the friendlies you want darling."

"Friendlies." Lexa didn't have to ask what Niylah implied. "I only have eyes for one girl at the moment and if I can't be with her, what makes you think I'd even want to think about anyone else in that way?" Niylah shrugged.

"You only have eyes for one girl to have a relationship with. I'm not saying 'go date,' I'm saying 'go have fun.' Not with Althea or Athol though, I was just joking about that. That would actually bring trouble to the group, which I don't want, but maybe someone else?" Lexa chuckled and shook her head. "Don't tell me _you've_ never had a one night stand?" Lexa rolled her eyes again.

"Bitch, please."

"That's what I thought." Lexa sighed.

"I just can't think of anyone else in that way, but I appreciate you wanting me to have fun," Lexa smirked. "Thank you for bringing me to the band by the way. After what happened on Valentine's, I really needed something good and productive."

"Well, I'm glad," Niylah said linking her arm with Lexa as they walked towards the dining hall. They had left their instruments in the rehearsal room. "Have you talked to her since?" Niylah asked carefully. Lexa shrugged.

"There's nothing to say. Nothing has changed. I don't think she's angry, but she's hurt. She's got a right to be." Lexa mused sadly while she looked at the menu.

"You know, you never actually said what happened between you two. All I remember was that you two got outed." Lexa snorted. This lie was going to haunt her for the rest of her life. She shrugged.

"It's complicated." Niylah kept looking at her; she could feel her gaze burning into her cheek. Lexa sighed and added, "It comes down to the fact that I wasn't ready for a serious relationship, and I need time and space to get there. I hurt her because I never told her that from the start." Niylah's face fell. "I know. You don't have to tell me I screwed up." Lexa said swallowed the lump in her throat.

"Well yeah, that's indeed not ideal." Honestly, Niylah didn't care what happened between them. She enjoyed being Lexa's friend; nothing was going to change that. "You ready?" She asked after Lexa had made up her mind about what to eat.

"Yeah."

* * *

 

Raven eyed Lexa and Niylah entering the dining hall and prayed Clarke wouldn't turn around. Things had calmed down remarkably since last week. Clarke wasn't venting about Lexa as much anymore. She wondered whether that was a good thing or a bad thing, though. She hadn't said much altogether.

The day after Valentine's day, Clarke had admitted she regretted making Raven read the letter. Actually, she regretted letting Octavia read it in the first place, but she was so afraid that what she was feeling was unjustified. She was still struggling with feeling what she felt without someone telling her that it was okay to feel this way. Like now, she was speaking about her mother bringing home a guy for her to meet. She would have to have dinner with them by the end of the week, and she was not looking forward to it.

"I mean am I wrong to feel this way?" Clarke muttered while she played with her food. "She's basically erased my father from our lives for the past two years, and now she's erasing him even more by bringing in someone new." Raven sighed. You could see the irony of this right? Clarke was upset about her mother bringing home someone new after her father died a few years ago thinking it would erase her father.

"You're not. If you're not ready, you're not ready." Raven replied. "You know, you don't need our confirmation. If this is how you feel, then this is how you feel."

"How am I supposed to tell my mom that, though? I mean, I'm sure he's a nice guy, and I want her to be happy, but-" Clarke felt conflicted. In truth, she just wanted her mom to allow her father to be present, it wasn't necessarily the presence of Kane that bothered her, it was the absence of her dad.

"Look, the real problem is that you two grew apart after your dad died," Octavia stated and Raven raised her eyebrows, indicating she agreed with her. She pointed her fork at the brunette and nodded. "Start there. Tell her how you feel."

"I've tried that multiple times," Clarke mumbled as she poked her green beans around. Then her phone rang. She looked up and quickly took it. Britney was supposed to call her to talk to her about possible people to work with.

"Hey!"

 _"Hey, Clarke. So I have a bit of bad news."_ Clarke's heart sank.

"Oh?"

 _"I really tried honey, but there's nothing I can do. Unless you find someone to switch partners with, I can't do anything. Murphy has already signed up with someone else. You two are the only ones left. When I talked to Lexa, she said she would work with you, so I guess she stopped looking for someone else."_ Clarke groaned mentally. Of course, she did. She was determined to make them both feel like crap for an entire month.

"Wait, so if I find someone to switch with me, I can still switch?"

_"Well...yeah, but Clarke, if you can still manage to find someone to switch with you, you need to do it by the end of this week, which only leaves you about two days."_

"Thank you, Britney, I really appreciate you doing all of this."

 _"It's my job, I'm the president; I'll see you next week for the workshop alright? It turns out Drew is getting a scholarship for a postgraduate position."_ Clarke's eyes widened.

"Really? Well, that 's great. I'm sure he'll tell us all about it next week. Thanks again."

_"Speak to you later, Clarke."_

"Speak to you later." She ran back to her table and grabbed Octavia's shoulders with both hands. "Octavia!"

"Jesus fucking Christ Clarke, what?" The brunette said after nearly choking on her beans. She hadn't seen Clarke coming and frankly was enjoying her meal with Raven.

"Who's your partner for collab?"

"Uhm, Althea. Why?" Clarke averted her eyes.

"Althea? Why don't I know an Althea?" Octavia rolled her eyes. "Besides the busy schedule and the dismissive behavior? She likes to keep to her own group; she's cool, though."

"Okay, is into the same things we are?"

"Yeah, pretty much." Clarke held her breath and Octavia eyed her skeptically. "What?"

"You need to switch with me!" Octavia raised an eyebrow.

"Excuse me?"

"Please O', if you don't switch with me, I'll have to work with Lexa." Octavia scoffed.

"And whose fault is that? If you would be slightly less dismissive of people, maybe you wouldn't be in this pickle." Clarke pouted.

"I know okay? It's just hard for me to get invested in people, you know that." Octavia sighed and looked at Raven. She already knew what Raven was thinking. "Please O', I am begging you. I can't do this with her, please. I'll do anything you want, I just- please-"

"Alright! Alright! You don't have to get so mushy." Octavia groaned. She rubbed her forehead. This was embarrassing. She would have to tell Althea she wanted to switch because of a friend's drama. For fuck sakes. "You owe me," Octavia stated. "Althea is excellent."

"So is Lexa," Raven added, and Octavia glared at her.

"I'll give Althea a call," she said begrudgingly. Clarke let out a breath she did not realize she was holding. Thank God for Octavia.

* * *

 

Lexa was sitting in a rehearsal studio a few days later waiting for her partner. She sighed and shook her head; she wasn't sure how she felt about all of this. When Lexa got home that night, earlier this week, she had received a message from Britney saying she had been paired up with the last person available. At the time, she had assumed it was Clarke and wasn't too sure how she felt about it either. Selfishly she was relieved she would at least see Clarke, though she knew it would probably hurt them both in the long run.

When she got to 'the basement' a few days later, though, to look at the list on which was written who she would be paired up with, she had expected to find Clarke's name next to hers. It wasn't though; it was someone she had not expected to see there.

So here she was waiting for her to arrive and she was already dreading it. She jumped when she heard the door of the studio slam.

"Well, this is going to be interesting," Octavia muttered angrily. Lexa still didn't understand how she got Octavia as a partner. As far as she knew, she had been paired up a while ago. She wanted to ask but didn't want to start a heated conversation, in case, Octavia got defensive about it.

"Yeah, I guess it will be." she answered not sure what else to say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised another update. I know this was a short chapter compared to my others, but it ended naturally. 
> 
> For all ya'll thinking niylah and Lexa romance, SPOILER, it ain't gonna happen. I usually don't say anything about what will and will not happen, unless I get a pm or a very long review with loads of questions, because I don't want to spoil the story, but as this hasn't even crossed my mind, I thought I'd put the fears to rest. That being said, I can't promise other people in the story won't get jealous of Niylah. 
> 
> Anyways, see ya next week folks.


	26. Chapter 26

"Okay, so we both agree on this structure then?" Octavia hummed.

"Yes." Lexa nodded looking over the scribbles on her notepad. She was surprised Octavia had been respectable. Sure they had had the sarcastic remark here and there, but there was no genuine malice to her words. She could not help but watch her skeptically. Octavia had made it no secret that she was basically Clarke's bloodhound, so Lexa couldn't understand for the life of her, why Octavia wasn't in attack mode.

She must have stared too long because Octavia barked, "What?"

"Nothing, sorry," Lexa muttered defensively. "I'll compose some stuff by Thursday?"

"Yeah, that'd be good."

"How long does the sequence need to be?"

"A little over 10 minutes for now," Octavia shrugged and then looked Lexa straight in the eye.

"Okay. That's good." Lexa said all of the sudden feeling awkward. She stared again which annoyed Octavia.

"What is it, Lexa? Come on, spit it out." Lexa's jaw had contracted before she huffed.

"I'm just surprised your fangs haven't perforated my throat yet." She said. What she hadn't expected was Octavia to snort.

"Look, Woods, as much as that would give me pleasure, we have work to do. Our personal lives don't have to enter this studio." she shrugged. "Besides," She cleared her throat, "I love Clarke, I will protect her till the end, but you're not exactly doing anything 'threatening.'" Octavia awkwardly eyed Lexa. "I'm just trying to support her the best way I can; I may be doing it the wrong way, but it's the only way I know how." Lexa nodded.  

"You're saying you're on defense, not offense?" Octavia smiled.

"Yeah, I tried to be,"

"I guess I can deal with that."

"Don't hurt yourself trying."

"Fuck off Octavia." Octavia's smirk was barely noticeable, but it was there.

"I would, but I'm afraid you're stuck with me. Now let's talk about theme. I'd like to do something associative, very Meg Stuart like, though I don't expect you to go all sound designer on me, that would-"

"I could try my hand at it with the right equipment." Octavia halted her train of thought.

"Really? Do you have the right equipment? Do we need to look into our budget?" Lexa chuckled.

"Don't worry about the budget; the music department should have everything. I just need to book it out. I also need to see how long I can book stuff out to play with," Lexa bit the inside of her cheek as if she wanted to say more but she stopped.

"Don't stop on my account," Octavia stated, and Lexa sighed.

"No, I just- I was wondering if maybe I could talk to Raven- probably not-"

"Please, she's like your biggest fan," Octavia said, and Lexa could taste the bitterness of her breath. She raised an eyebrow and scoffed.

"Hardly."

"I'll ask. I doubt she'll say no to either of us." Lexa was confused. Then again Raven did mention that she wanted them to get along, but she was hardly her biggest fan.

* * *

 

When Lexa got home later that day, she realized she had taken Octavia's  USB charger after using it for her cell phone during rehearsal. She shoved it in her bag and made a mental note to return it as fast as possible. She wouldn't text Octavia asking her to meet, one meeting with the brunette was enough for one day. She hadn't expected it to go so smoothly, but she wasn't exactly jumping at the opportunity of spending more time with Octavia. She knew perfectly well where Octavia stood, and how could she not? She was Clarke's best friend. What was she supposed to do? Be neutral or worse on her side? In an ideal world, there wouldn't be any sides, but wouldn't that also mean someone couldn't mean more to you than others? Even though Clarke wasn't innocent in this either, the conversation on Valentine's or lack of did, after all, hurt her feelings, but she would still expect Octavia to have Clarke's back. They had known each other for two years, and Lexa hadn't been particularly close to Octavia. They had barely swapped words the entire time she and Clarke had 'dated'. She hadn't really bothered trying to get to know anyone in the first term; it was only now she was actually making an effort to make friends. Monty and Raven and Clarke, of course, had been an exception. Monty because he was her roommate and Raven because they worked together. And then, there was Clarke. Her stomach flipped whimsically, but she forced herself to ignore it.  

Her Facebook chat was going off with questionably chosen emojis and obvious excitement radiating from Niylah. Tonight would be their first open mic night. Lexa had Djeed before, in fact in front of large crowds, but she had never played live, in front of an audience. What was even worse or better, depending on the angle, was that she would sing a duet with Niylah to close the show as an introduction to their party next week: 80s night and she would be spinning.

Before she could even think of starting to get nervous though she had to get her weekly therapy session out of the way. They had moved her appointment down a few days, so that meant she would have to go back in less than a week, in four days to be exact. She huffed at the thought, she hated it, not that therapy was something to be liked, she never did. At least it wasn't as bad as the group home therapy she was in where they would take away privileges if she didn't open up.

_"Lexa, anything you would like to share?" Lexa leaned back on her chair and sucked on her bottom lip._

_"Nope."_

_"You got into a fight with Joe yesterday, would you like to talk about that?" She stayed silent. "If you don't share I'll have to take away privileges, you know that." Lexa sighed._

_"Like I care." She had nothing left to lose anyways. She didn't want the privileges._

_"Come on, Lex." Maya murmured. She was much younger than Lexa, and the brunette had taken her under her wing after someone tried to steal her iPod. "It was my fault-"_

_"It's not your turn to share honey," Titus said regretfully, and Lexa shook her head and scoffed._

_"You want people to share? So let them share. This is a joke." In truth, there were holes in the system and how group therapy worked, especially in these group homes, but Titus did do his best._

She tried to shake off the rough thoughts about her experience in the system. She didn't want to focus on that today; she needed to talk about Clarke as she knew Angie would ask her about it. She didn't want to derail the session by talking about how much she disliked group therapy. Perhaps she should, though?

_'Great, now I'm conflicted.'_

"Lexa, I'm ready for you." Angie peeked her head through the door, so Lexa stood up abruptly. She followed Angie into her office. "Take a seat," Angie said brightly as Lexa took off her oversized denim jacket. Lexa puckered her lips as she flopped down onto the leather seat and sank further into the fabric.

"So, how has your week been?"

"Okay," Lexa said. This is how it always went; she was quiet in the beginning until Angie pulled things out of her and then she couldn't stop speaking. It was like her words had an on and off switch, and there was nothing in between. Either she would barely utter a word, or there would be word vomit. She was quiet; that's how it first started. Lexa figured Angie was hoping she would just start talking without being guided into it, but no such luck.

"How did that letter go?"

"It was okay. The writing was- it was helpful." Angie nodded. Again with the silence. She was waiting, and Lexa started watching the clock hands.

"What did you feel when writing it?" Lexa shook her head absent-mindedly.

"It felt-" She looked up now and looked at Angie. "I don't know, upsetting in a way, but easy in another. I don't know how to explain it." She drifted off before adding, "It didn't seem so easy to read though apparently." Angie's expression slightly changed. She waited a little longer in case Lexa wanted to add something more but she didn't.

"What makes you say that?"

And this is where the word vomit would come. "Clarke took a while to read it." She said bitterly, "Not that I blame her." Angie nodded.

"Why not?" Lexa frowned.

"Blame her?" Angie hummed and nodded. "It's not her fault. I hurt her, and she lost trust in me, a sob story isn't going to make her magicallytrust me again."

"You think your story is a sob story?" Lexa chuckled.

"What else could it be?" Her tone was bitter she knew that. Mocking what she had been through was one of her tactics for dealing, but this was different, she was here to work through that. She closed her eyes and sucked air through her lips. "I don't like to dwell on how serious it was."

"Did Clarke dwell on how serious it was?" Lexa scoffed.

"Clarke barely asked anything. Actually, she didn't ask me anything at all; she seemed upset."

"And how did that make you feel?" Lexa scratched the back of her neck.

"I-" She bit the inside of her cheek and leaned back into the leather fabric, "It hurt, I guess. Maybe a little angry." She knew Angie would ask why there was no point in waiting for the actual words to materialize. She swallowed deep. "But she said a lot with more than words, in a way. It was a strange moment."

"What is a good moment?" Lexa took her time to answer the question. She looked around the room as she let her mind wander.

"No, I don't know. It was strange. I wanted to talk to her, but I didn't. I think maybe we need some space, or try to talk again. I don't know." Angie nodded and wrote some stuff down. Lexa hated when that happened.

"How much time have you spent with her over the last two months?" Lexa pursed her lips.

"Not that much." She answered. "Brief encounters, full of guilt and anger," Lexa muttered the last bit of her sentence. She wasn't sure whether she talked about her feelings or Clarke's. She considered that they both were most likely feeling the exact same way, for different reasons that was.

"So you're already giving each other space." Lexa opened her mouth to say something but closed it instead. "Why do you feel guilty Lexa?" Lexa squeaked as if the answer to that question was obvious.

"I hurt her, shouldn't I feel guilty?"

"Acknowledging your mistakes is always admirable, but why are you so eager to take all the blame." Lexa laughed bitterly.

"Because if I don't take the fucking blame, how the hell can I control the outcome?" Lexa widened her eyes. She knew that she just didn't mean to tell Angie that. She had almost blurted it out a few days ago when Niylah had asked her if _she_ had been okay. She wasn't but that wasn't really due to Clarke, alone. Sure, it had hurt her that Clarke hadn't immediately asked about her past, but she wasn't exactly ready to tell her about it, either. A part of her hoped that's why Clarke hadn't asked her because she had read between the lines and understood if she wanted to say anything, she would've in that letter. If it were hard to say that little in a letter, it would be that much harder to say more out loud.

"Do you feel like you need to be in control to have peace of mind?" Lexa sighed. Yes, most likely. If she didn't have a sense of control, she derailed. This was a whole new box they had just unlocked.

* * *

 

"So! Are you excited?" Althea clapped her hands together about a half an hour before they had to go on. They had had their sound check, and Lexa had already forgotten the sequence due to nerves.

"Is that a serious question?" Lexa grumbled.

"You should be." She grinned, "I've invited my new collab partner, she's pretty cool and cute." Lexa nodded. It reminded her that she wanted to ask Octavia at some point what had happened to have them collaborate.

"I thought you were straight?" Althea snorted.

"I said that for you, Niylah said you were looking for a no strings attached type of person, and honestly, she seems like she is not ready to commit to anyone." Lexa widened her eyes and spat out her drink.

"What? No, I'm not looking. Where is Niylah?" Althea grimaced playfully and howled as she pointed at the storage room.

"Niylah, get out here." Niylah came out, with black strapped heels. It distracted Lexa but only for a minute. "I told you not to set me up. I don't want anyone else, besides if Clarke hears I was with someone else, I'm only going to push her further away."

"Maybe you should. _Maybe_ it'll ignite some fire up her ass." Lexa sighed. As much as she would love to see that happen, she couldn't deny that 1. She had hurt Clarke, and that would not be fair, and 2. It was already complicated enough; she wasn't going to add to it.

"As much as I would like that- it would complicate things. Please, stop." Niylah smiled and breathed in.

"Okay, whatever you need. Now let's go." She said pushing her bass into her hands. She took the last sip from her water and stumbled on the stage. She was met with a small, but still considerably large for a university, crowd. Althea made her way to the drums, but not before whispering in Lexa's ear.

"That's my collab partner if you change your mind." Lexa followed her eyes and her heart jumped.

"That's the cute blonde?" She asked and her voice quavered. Althea nodded obliviously. Seriously, they were victims of a school rumor, how was it that people didn't know she and Clarke had 'dated'? "That's Clarke." Althea snapped her head towards Lexa.

"Yeah! You know h-? Oh." It started dawning on her but Niylah scolded them both, and they made their ways to their respective places.

"I didn't know Lexa was in this band," Raven said sounding impressed. "And she is a bass player. Damn, you never sa-" Clarke glared at her. "Sorry." Raven closed her mouth and redirected her gaze at the stage, all done in an awkward manner.

"I'm sorry hon." Octavia rubbed her back.

"When Althea said she thought I might like their bass player, I didn't realize how freaking accurate she was going be," Clarke said sounding the defeated.

"Why does she look so freaking hot in every she does? Why is she good at everything she does?" Clarke muttered to herself and thankfully the music was too loud for anyone else to have heard it. She was overcome with want and regret for not prolonging the last conversation they had had. She could've said so much more; she could've hugged her. The thought of Lexa's body against her-

 _'Stop.'_ She looked at the drink in her hand and realized the cocktail might be a little too strong for her if it was going to her head this fast. She swiftly switched to water for the rest of the night.

By the end of the night, Lexa stood more confidently on stage. Now was the time for her duet with Niylah. Lexa had to keep herself from snorting when Althea started the rhythm. This was such a guilty pleasure, but it had to be, the 80s night would be full of guilty pleasures. Niylah didn't seem to mind. She smirked when she looked over her shoulder which made Lexa laugh.

"Children behave, that's what they say when we're together. And watch how you play." Niylah started singing, and the crowd whistled. By the time they got to the chorus, Lexa had joined in harmonizing with Niylah.

"I think we're alone now; there doesn't seem to be anyone around." They stood close together, their heads sharing a microphone.

"I think my ovaries just dropped," Raven muttered while watching Lexa move around with her bass. Octavia slapped her on the arm. Meanwhile, Clarke was trying to contain, firstly her heartbeat and secondly her raging jealousy that only got worse the more she watched. At some point, she couldn't bare it anymore, and she stepped outside. The cold air stung her face, and she watched her breath escape her mouth.

Inside Raven looked at Octavia, silently questioning whether to go after her or allow her some time to herself. They decided on the latter. When the band ended their song and announced they would be hosting 80s night next week, Octavia had to contain her excitement. She loved the 80s, but she too worried about Clarke to express said excitement.

Raven guided Octavia to the bar, in search of some water they could bring to Clarke. "How's working with Lexa?" She asked the question she had been dying to ask all night. They hadn't exactly talked about it, and Raven couldn't contain her curiosity.

"It's fine." Raven arched her eyebrows. "What?" Octavia rolled her eyes. "She's pretty good."

"I told you."

"I know. Look, I don't," Octavia huffed, " _hate_ her, I'm just trying to be what Clarke needs to be. What would you have me do? Tell Clarke that she's wrong. I don't think she is... entirely." Octavia muttered into the glass of water she had received. Raven shook her head. She looked outside to see if Clarke had moved, she hadn't, so she nodded at Octavia and silently suggested now would be a good time to go out there. They had left her there for a good 10 minutes; perhaps she could use some company.

When Lexa stepped off stage, she quickly went through her bag to find the charger she had shoved in there earlier that afternoon. She had seen Octavia in the crowd and hoped to return it to her.

* * *

 

"Clarke we have been standing here for five minutes in silence. Will you answer us? Are you okay?" Octavia asked, and Clarke groaned.

"I just- did they seem like they were together? Is it just me-"

"Don't, Clarke. Don't go there." Clarke pouted. She knew she had no right of going there; Lexa did what she wanted. She looked at Raven with puppy eyes which made the brunette roll her eyes, "Fine, yes they have good chemistry, but Lexa has made it pretty clear she wants you."

"Has she?" Clarke said clearly engulfed in anguish, but Raven shook her head.

"Come on Clarke, the girl is obviously smitten with you, she's just taking her time. She's not ready, but she will be at some point. I know you don't trust her, but did you ever?"

"What? Yes, of course, I did. She betrayed that trust." Clarke stated determinedly. She scrunched up her mouth and then gave Raven another insecure look, "So you don't think they're like a thing-"

"I'm not doing this with you again." She snapped a little too harshly which earned her a questioning look from Octavia.

"I- what?" Clarke sputtered.

"This is Daniel Baker all over again." Raven huffed and took the glass filled with water from Clarke's hand to have a gulp herself.

"Who is Daniel Baker?" Octavia voiced, but they ignored her question.

"Daniel Baker? Tenth grade Daniel Baker?" Clarke almost laughed, but she was so confused. This subject came rather out of the blue.

"Yes, tenth grade kissed him behind the bleachers then had a freak out Daniel Baker. He was all you could talk about for months, and when you _finally_ got a chance at exploring something with him you ran. You treated him like crap and completely sabotaged any chance you had with him and then I had to hear about it," She sat down and took a bite from Octavia's donut, "for _months_. Months, Clarke." She mumbled through the half eaten dough. Octavia snorted at the sight, and Clarke was still slightly confused about it all. "I had to see you subtly but not so subtly try to find out about his life without actually having to put yourself in the position of asking about his life."

"I- okay? What does this have to do- Raven, I was sixteen." Clarke was still not sure what this had to do with Lexa.

"Yeah and here we are four years later with you asking us whether that looked like they were a thing." Clarke arched her eyebrows.

"Okay, this situation is different-"

"Is it?"

"Raven." Octavia scolded bus she was ignored once more.

Clarke felt attacked, though a part of her could see what Raven was getting at. Raven sighed and looked up at the blonde, then said, "Look, I love you, but this is classic you. You're scared you'll never compare to her ex, that she doesn't love you the way you love her, so you start acting impulsively. You'd rather sabotage and hurt her than find out. It's your own personalized exit button." She ranted, then finished her rant with swallowing the last piece of donut. Octavia glared at her; she really wanted that donut, and Raven glanced at her, slightly guilt struck. She was 'vent eating', as she called it. Clarke looked at her with widened eyes. She couldn't _really_ contradict most of that. Clarke remained quiet, because what could she say? What could one say when someone laid out one's negative traits?

"What do you want me to say?" Clarke asked quietly. Meanwhile, Lexa had made her way outside, seeing as she had observed Octavia go that way, but halted at the corner when she saw the trio having what seemed to be a deep conversation. So she turned on her heels.

"You don't have to say anything. I just want you to be aware enough to stop it while you still can. You could be there for each other-" Clarke scoffed. Lexa halted when she overheard Clarke's reaction. She didn't mean to start eavesdropping, it just happened.

"I can't just stop Raven. You're right I'm scared, I'm fucking terrified. She _hurt_ me," Lexa's ears perked, "and that was only a glimpse of what she would be capable of if I allow myself to trust her. I felt used, and I know this might sound like I'm overreacting, but it's how I feel. I can't just turn it off. I don't know how to be there for her without turning off being hurt or being scared. I don't trust her, and I can't just change that. Every angle I look at it, I'm either compromising her feelings or my own. So I chose my own." Lexa wished that hadn't hurt as much as it did but hearing Clarke say she chose herself over her, stung. In truth, though, Lexa couldn't deny she hadn't done the exact same thing when she put Clarke through the motions around Christmas, "And I know that sounds selfish, well it is selfish, but I don't know how to _be_ without compromising either of us. I keep running it through in my mind. If I am her support system, I need to be in a position where I feel completely confident about myself and about that relationship, and I don't know how to do that." Raven hadn't expected Clarke to lay it out as it was. She hadn't even mentioned being her support system, but Clarke had obviously thought about it. Octavia looked at her wide-eyed and put a hand on Clarke's shoulder.

"No one is saying you need to be her support system."

"Hmm, well yeah but kind of you are." She snapped, "Don't you think I want to be that for her? I love her for God's sakes." Lexa's breath hitched. She felt guilty for eavesdropping. She shouldn't have heard that she should've heard that confession when she was meant to hear it when Clarke was saying it to her, not about her. A dread also developed within her when she realized she couldn't say it back, not yet.  

"You could've told her everything."

"And how would I have done that without sounding like an insensitive jerk? Don't you think I wanted to hug her, to tell her everything was going to be okay, to ask her to tell me everything? It just feels like I'd be completely disregarding what happened. I know it sounds like a little thing, but it wasn't to me. I want to be the person she comes to when she hurt or afraid, but what would happen if I can't be what she needs me to be in that moment." Lexa winced sadly. She would've understood; she didn't expect Clarke to process everything so easily. She had hurt her, she had raised her hopes, whether she meant to do that or not, she knew that, and she didn't underestimate the impact it had had on Clarke's self-esteem. She knew Clarke; she barely trusted anyone to begin with, so after betraying her trust, what had she expected to happen?

"What if you lose each other by not being there at all?" Regret seeped through Clarke's temples. She reached for the feeling and pressed where it was most intense.

She rubbed her eyes, "Rae, Lexa can read me like one of her freaking Capote books." Lexa smiled when Clarke referenced her favorite author. "If she had opened up to me and I would've started feeling insecure about whatever she was telling me, no matter how much I would've tried to ignore it and focus on her, she would've seen it and I would've put her in a position where she would've felt like she had to take care of me, when that's the opposite of what I want. So, I just froze, because I still don't know what to do. I gave her all the power and she didn't talk about it. I don't know whether to be relieved about that or regret not saying more."

It was quiet for a while as both Raven and Octavia had no more answers. Lexa contemplated walking away, but her feet took her the opposite way, and she revealed herself with Octavia's charger in hand. She felt quite dumb standing there to hand Octavia such a trivial item as if that could justify her presence. Clarke widened her eyes when she saw those familiar greens pierce through her.

"You left this in the studio this afternoon." She said holding out the charger in front of her but the statement remained ignored.

"How long have you been standing there?" Clarke stuttered, and it was dawning on her how much Lexa probably had heard.

"A while." She bit her lip and Raven grasped Octavia's hand. She didn't protest.

"We'll leave you guys to it." Octavia awkwardly snatched her charger out of Lexa's hand and left them alone. Here they were once again, and it felt like it had only been yesterday they stood on this terrace during Valentine's day. Clarke gulped as her heart was beating erratically against her chest.

"How much did you hear?"

"Some." Lexa murmured, and Clarke inhaled sharply.

"Lexa-" Clarke's lips parted and shivered, "I'm _so_ sorry. I-" Clarke didn't know what she was apologizing for, but Lexa shushed her.

"No one is innocent here Clarke." She sighed and sat on the bench next to the blonde. She rested her head against the wood behind them and shook her head. "You don't have to apologize... much." She smirked, but the joke didn't land.

"You shouldn't have been eavesdropping."

"I know. You could've been honest." Clarke bit her tongue.

"I know." Clarke sighed. By now Lexa had started chuckling which filled Clarke with confusion.

"How boring would our lives be if things were perfect?"

"You know I could do boring. Boring sounds really nice right now. I could do pastel." Lexa gaped at Clarke. The blonde had made it no secret that she hated painting with pastels in the past because they didn't have enough liveness to them, in her words they were tedious.

"You don't mean that." Clarke chuckled.

"No, probably not. I could try, though." Lexa shook her head feeling slightly amused. Soon enough though the familiar heaviness smoked around them and the jokes ended.  

"What are we going to do? We can't keep dancing in circles.  We're never going to get anywhere if we don't learn to talk to each other. If I hadn't eavesdropped, I wouldn't have- well I wouldn't have gotten you to say all that out loud. Not to me anyways, not ever." Clarke looked down. Lexa knew her, which gave her some comfort.

"I know." She whispered. Clarke was frozen. She kept telling herself, _'Say something, anything._ ' but she couldn't.

"I'm trying, Clarke. I know I hurt you." She looked at Clarke and felt her eyes water. She cursed herself for it. Could she not have a simple conversation with this girl without having her body squeeze out all the anguish in the form of tears? "But I'm trying really hard to fix my mistakes. And I feel like I've been getting punished for it." Clarke frowned and looked at the brunette.

"No, no, I-" She sighed, "I'm sorry. You're not. I don't want you to feel that way." Clarke closed her eyes and plucked up some of her courage. "What hurts you, hurts me, and I'm sorry I haven't shown that. I'm sorry I have probably been a source of pain for you, and I wish I could take it all back. I want to know about what you went through; I want to be there, but I'm just scared that you'll-"

"Forget that you're hurt and what happened? I don't need you to be my support system, Clarke. I told you then; I don't need you to say anything." Clarke nodded. Clarke could still not shake the feeling that this didn't feel right. Like before, she inspected every angle and till remained with the same conclusion.

"I know, but-"

"If I wanted to tell you everything, I would've done so in the letter." Clarke nodded and felt slightly relieved. There were so many questions she wanted to ask, whether they would make her feel pathetic or not, she needed to voice them.

"Do you hate me?" Lexa widened her eyes.

"No, of course not! Quite the opposite." Lexa hoped her words seeped into Clarke. Clarke needed to believe them too, and she couldn't believe it for both of them. "Do you hate me?" Lexa asked her insecurity cracking through for a moment. Clarke laughed at the incredulous thought.

"I could never hate you, I lo-" Clarke bit her lip and Lexa was relieved she didn't end that sentence. "Raven is right," she stated after a while, "it's not just because I'm hurt, well I mean it plays into it." Clarke chewed the inside of her cheek. "Beside the fact that I have a hard time trusting you because of what happened, I don't know if I ever did." Clarke swallowed deeply. She hadn't admitted this to anyone, not even Raven or Octavia, "You scare me. I'm so afraid you'll get to know me and all my imperfections, and it'll make you leave, so instead I make sure I do something wrong, so you will." Lexa frowned.

"None of that made sense." Lexa shook her head, and Clarke snorted. She then groaned and rested her face in her palms.

"Tell me about it," Lexa smiled a little.

"I told you before. I'm not going anywhere." Lexa placed her hand in the crook of Clarke's elbow. "Look at me." Clarke breathed in deeply and searched for Lexa's greens in the dark. "I'm staying, no matter how hard you screw up. I'll pass every test you throw at me." Clarke laughed at the implication. "But I need you to try too. I can't do this alone." Clarke nodded.

"I'll try," Clarke stated wretchedly.

"You'll try trying?" Lexa smirked sadly, and Clarke chuckled through the painful knots in her expression.

"That's all I can promise." Clarke meant it.

"I'll take it." Lexa chuckled through her sniffs. Clarke swallowed hard and started psyching herself out.

"Do you want to tell me about the stuff you went through? About Costia," Clarke took a deep breath, "About what happened afterward?" Clarke asked, but her voice cracked, and Lexa shook her head. Clarke wasn't ready, and she knew that. Hell, she wasn't ready.

"No, not yet, but thank you for asking." She stated briefly getting distracted and cupping Clarke' face. "It means a lot to me," Clarke smiled and wished she had trusted Lexa for knowing her and herself well enough to take her time with this. Clarke could've asked all this when she received the letter, and Lexa would still have looked out for her. Now she regretted not giving her that small amount of trust and consideration. "I need some more time, and I think you do too." Clarke nodded, hoping to remember the feeling of Lexa's fingers against her cheek.

"I'm sorry I didn't ask on Valentine's, I-" It was dawning on Clarke right then and there how wrong she had been. Lexa understood everything, and she wasn't going to ignore Clarke's feelings, in fact, she was placing them above her own. "I'm so sorry." Her eyes were twitching, but Lexa again shook her head.

"Stop." She said tenderly. The strength of Lexa's character was piercing through Clarke's heart. How did she manage to stay this strong after everything?

"Lex." This was exactly what she was trying to avoid. She felt herself starting to cry, and Lexa was reaching her, comforting her once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope we're all still alive after the last episode. I also want to throw some kudos at the people for the billboards and protests in La! Go Lexakru!
> 
> I also want to address the slightly depressing answers I gave to people last week. I was having an extremely bad day, and usually don't let negative comments get to me, but after getting a few out of hand hate pms, it hit me a little harder than it should've. As I said I was having the worst day already, so I'm definitely not deleting anything. I mean I'll admit I have thought about it once or twice, because this story was getting so hard to write, but I'm sticking with it, whether I screw it up or not. 
> 
> Anyways, See you next week folks.


	27. Chapter 27

After their last conversation, things started to settle down. To say everything was fine was a step too far but in truth, they were all very busy with upcoming performance. Lexa and Clarke had had lunch a few times to try to build some kind of trust between them. The first time they had had lunch, it didn't go so well, it was like a wickedly déja-vu to six months ago when they barely uttered a word to each other. It wasn't hostile, but in all honesty, Clarke didn't know what to say and in return made it hard for Lexa to say anything.

Lexa brought a book to their next lunch a week later, hoping maybe to use the same system that had worked for them before, but this time, Clarke managed to crack a few jokes and render the conversation a little less useless. The book hadn't been necessary after all.

It was awkward, yes, but by the third lunch, they had found a rhythm that almost felt natural. They weren't okay, they knew that, but maybe they would be able to be in the foreseeable future. Even Octavia had found a rhythm with Lexa and had started enjoying their rehearsals. Raven had been right. Lexa was really good at music. She had created this persona based on what Clarke had told her, and how hurt Clarke had been. In her mind, Lexa's 'bad' behavior had been consistent for months as she hadn't actually been able to witness the 'good' behavior. They had never been close, not like Raven had been, and even less so like Clarke. Her opinion changed.

"Maybe friends. I'd like to do that...friends." Clarke had uttered at some point during their third lunch, rather out of the blue. Slowly she felt her trust coming back, but just like Lexa, she wasn't there yet. They both weren't ready for different reasons, which sounded like she was trapped in a bad episode of 'The bold and the beautiful'. It was so stupid, but it was what it was. Lexa had looked up, with her perfectly shaped eyebrows and nodded. She didn't want just to be friends, not in the future, not when she knew she could be ready, but that was hardly fair on Clarke as she wasn't at that moment.

"I thought we already were." Lexa had smirked hoping her eyes wouldn't betray her.

Later that same day Lexa received a phone call from her sister. Surprised as she was, it took her longer to pick up. She had stared so long at the screen she was surprised she was still on time when she did pick up. They had a phone call every month, but she had just spoken to her last week. Of course, she wanted to speak to her sister more, but she needed to approach the subject with baby steps. Only three months ago they didn't speak at all.

"Hey." She said, and she wished her voice didn't shake as she spoke. She could only imagine the worst had happened for her sister to call her unexpectedly.

 _"Hey, baby."_ Anya sounded nice. She had been nice, extremely caring the last three phone calls but she had been expecting her tone to be different this time for some reason. She heard Emori yell in the background for her mother to give her the phone. "In a minute," Anya muttered.

"What's up?" Lexa squeaked, and Anya chuckled.

 _"Why do you sound nervous?"_ Anya asked. _"Look I know I'm calling you out of the blue, but everything is fine, I just needed to ask something."_ This made Lexa even more nervous. What was that supposed to mean?

"Okay, what is it?"

_"That performance of yours when is it again?"_

"This weekend." Lexa sounded unsure.

 _"Great! Nyko actually needs to be in Boston, and some money came in from our latest deal, so- I mean that is if you're okay with- we'll come and see you."_ Anya stated, and Lexa smiled into the phone.

"Really?"

 _"Yeah, Echo, Lincoln, Nyko and then Emori and I. Obviously the car will be packed, but it'll be easier for the money and the rooms, and a lot of people want to see you."_ Anya sounded slightly embarrassed when she finished speaking. Lexa laughed.

"Emori is coming?" Lexa could barely contain her excitement. By now Monty had entered his room with Miller by his side. Monty gave her a quizzical look but pushed his index to his lips and told Miller to keep his voice down.

 _"As if I could keep her here. Echo has been telling her all about you, and she's really excited to see her awesome aunt Lexa again."_ Anya murmured. Lexa looked at Monty awkwardly. Of course, she was happy, but she could tell that Anya was still slightly on edge when it came to Emori. None could blame her. A few phone calls weren't going to solve that. She sighed mentally. It seemed that earning trust and building trust was all the rage this year.

"Thank you." She whispered turning her back to the couple. She wanted to express how much it meant to her that Anya had basically forgiven her for everything. A few weeks ago she had asked whether Lexa would come back home for her Easter break. That alone had made her heart soar, because it meant that she had a home with her once more. And now this; Anya would witness her accomplishments. She needed to get out of her room. She waved at the couple on the other side of her room and made her way to the courtyard downstairs. She wanted to continue speaking to Anya, but soon enough her sister was muttering to Emori, and the phone was snatched away from Anya.

" _Aunt Lexa, I'm going to be in a car for 14 hours!"_ She screamed, and Lexa winced while she distanced the phone a little from her ear. She chuckled.

"Really?"

 _"Yes, and I get to choose the music, all of it."_ She had certainly become a lot more talkative compared to the last time she had spoken to her. Raven approached her, waving clumsily at her, but Lexa shook her head and pointed at the phone.

"That's great to hear, baby." She said fondly. "What else have you been up to?"

 _"I made two drawings at school yesterday, but mommy says I have to leave them at home, but we'll take a picture, she said, because it's with you, and your curly hair."_ The girl babbled. You wouldn't think a four-year-old could talk your ear off, but Anya had told her enough times the girl just never stopped. To people she knew that was, she didn't speak to strangers, as she had been told. A tear ran down Lexa's cheek, though the brunette was unsure why she had become so emotional. She had spoken to Emori before, so why she was crying now was a mystery.

 _"-And I really want to show you because I think it's really curly, and it's with my brown pen-"_ She wasn't near being done. Lexa stifled a laugh as she continued listening to Emori, all up until she heard Anya tell her that was enough and she should keep some of her stories for when she would actually see Lexa.

 _"Sorry, Lex,"_ Anya muttered after she finally managed to snatch the phone back from her daughter. "You know how she is, anyways, I have to go back to work soon, but I will call later this week with details okay?" Anya said, and Lexa nodded but then scolded herself. " _Lexa_?" Anya wasn't going to understand a nod.

"Yes, sorry, yes. I'll speak to you in a few days." She chirped and put down the phone. She folded her hands over one another and sat on that bench for another half an hour. She couldn't stop smiling. By now Raven had crossed her once more, probably coming back from whatever she was going to when she first saw her.

"You look happy." She said while she sat down next to her. Lexa nodded.

"I really am," Lexa stated and turned her head towards Raven. She frowned when she noticed Raven was completely covered in soot. "What happened to you?" Raven's eyes widened with mischief.

"I have been trying to get the damn stage rotators to work in Marlowe theater."

"How does that equate to soot?" Lexa asked, and Raven chuckled looking down.

"We had a minor explosion." Lexa's eyes nearly popped out.

"What?!" She barked, but Raven held her hands up.

"Don't worry, it's under control now, no one was hurt. Didn't you hear the fire alarm?" Raven asked, but Lexa shook her head. Raven shrugged, "Oh well, it's fine now. So... just a random side note, how did you manage to convince Niylah to invite us all to her barbecue? I mean I know you and Clarke have talked a few times, but - I mean- Octavia and I haven't really been-" Raven winced. It had been a conflicting situation, and she wasn't proud on how she had acted. Truthfully, though, she wasn't sure she would change how she had, she did it for Clarke.

"You and I never really had a problem Raven," Lexa smiled shyly, and Raven nodded.

 Raven then cleared her throat and said, "Anyway is everything fine between you two now?" Lexa's eyes widened. Raven had only noticed because she had seen it happen a couple of times, a more inexperienced eye would have missed Lexa's microscopic reaction.

"No, no, no. We're definitely not completely fine. We're working on things. I'm working on my own thing, and she is working on her own thing, she even asked how I got like-" Lexa started trailing off, "Anyways, then together we work on... things." Lexa could not believe how she sounded.

"Well, either way, it'll be an interesting evening," Raven said a little amused. Lexa didn't often ramble as she had just done, which proved her feelings for Clarke were real. Who knew Lexa Woods could be an awkward squid?

"Oh, um- about that." She realized Anya would be there when she was supposed to attend the barbecue. "I might not stay for the whole thing. My sister will be in town," Lexa grinned mostly to herself. Raven nodded. Soon after they started talking about the tech for their performance as they did most times when they saw each other. Octavia had called it geek talk that vibrated on a frequency she just couldn't access.

* * *

 

"So Lexa seemed pretty happy," Miller said as Monty curled into him. He hummed and looked up at his boyfriend.

"She's been doing better. She still has nightmares, though." He muttered as Miller stroked his hair.

"It takes time to get better. She's talking to Clarke again, though, I saw them have lunch the other day. Are they back together?" He asked, but Monty shook his head.

"She told me that they have a 'one lunch a week' rule, for now, and then they'll start trying to see each other more to see how they feel. I don't know how they make it work? If that were me I would've given up a long time ago. They're so fucking complicated." Monty rolled his eyes which made Miller laugh. His chest shook, and Monty had to look up and glare at him to make him stop.

"So you're saying if that were us, you wouldn't?" Miller asked, and Monty snuggled into him further.

"You're not that complicated."

"What if I was?" Miller asked.

"I don't know. I guess I would have to weigh the good against the bad." Monty shrugged. That's what Miller had meant. If the good outweighed the bad, then it was worth it.

"So that's what they must have done then baby. You can't judge them based on that. Anyone looking can tell they love each other, so if it's worth fighting for- what?" Monty leaned on his elbow.

"You're pretty cute when you work yourself up, especially over other people," Monty smirked, and mirth glimmered in his eyes.

"Am I now?" Miller grinned, and his eyes glimpsed at Monty's lips. Monty hummed.

"Let's stop talking about Clarke and Lexa's thing and focus on other things." He grinned and leaned in. It had only been recent that they had started being intimate with each other. Miller loved and wanted Monty, but he had been slightly nervous about having sex with someone that didn't have the anatomy he was used to. He didn't know what to do, and kind of felt like a virgin again, which was ridiculous, yes, but it's how he felt. Thankfully Monty had been amazing. After the first time, Miller realized there was nothing to be worried about, and he would just learn how to do things differently.

Miller grazed his lips over Monty's and flipped them over. "We can definitely focus on other things."

* * *

 

The day of their dress run, Niylah took Lexa with her to the grocery store so she could put her mind on something else. Niylah had already finished her performance a few days ago.

"Will you relax," Niylah said while trying to figure out whether she wanted chorizo sausages or hotdogs. She had been staring at them for over 20 minutes now. Lexa had walked all over the store and came back to find her, only to see she hadn't moved an inch.

"I would if you would just make up your damn mind. This isn't chess, let's go!" Lexa whined. She just wanted to get back to campus. What if Anya had already arrived and she wasn't there?

"Your sister said she would be here at 5, it's 2, calm down." Lexa almost whimpered. She really wanted to stomp her feet. Niylah looked up at her and rolled her eyes. "Let's change the subject to a  potentially more stressful one." Lexa frowned deeply and waved her hands.

"Why?!" She was very irritable today.

"Because it's fun," Niylah smirked, and Lexa rolled her eyes. The brunette knew she was acting slightly out of character. And technically yeah, not much fazed her, but she really wanted to impress Anya.

"How is Clarke?" The blonde asked, and Lexa glared.

_'Asshole.'_

"That good huh?" Niylah smirked, but Lexa sighed. This question had come up a few times this week.

"She's great." She snapped which made Niylah chuckle and shake her head. "I-" Lexa groaned and tried to regulate her breathing. "We're working on things. I'm working on my own things. I'm actually starting to feel..." Lexa trailed off. She didn't want to say ready, that wasn't the word, but near ready? She needed to do some things before she could do that. Ironically she wanted to talk to Costia again. She even thought of going to the beach one day, on her own, and have a little monologue. It sounded crazy that she needed a specific space to feel like she was actually talking to her dead ex. And then there's that other thing she thought of. She had come to the realization that the pain she was experiencing from Costia's death was not only grief, but was something she needed to remind herself that it had happened in the first place, that what happened had mattered. She needed something else, something healthy that told her just that, and didn't cause her constant pain, or obstructed her life as it did. She thought of a tattoo. Something only she knew. It wasn't a tattoo just to commemorate Costia, it was to commemorate how much it had changed her. How much everything that had happened afterwards had made her who she was now.

"Look, there's no rush," Niylah stated. This was another thing Lexa struggled with. She just wanted to get closure, to stop feeling this way. She wanted to hurry the process along, but that was simply impossible. "You had that conversation three weeks ago, and you've been going to therapy for three months. It takes as long as it takes. You've already booked so much progress both for yourself and with Clarke. She's starting to trust you again right?" Lexa nodded.

"And what about you? How is she making things right with you?"

"The same way I am, by talking, by coming through, by caring, I guess." Lexa swallowed her words and sighed. She didn't know what to say. "It's a two-way street. I hurt her. Then she hurt me-" Lexa rolled her eyes.

"She stayed with me after my session the other day, when she was supposed to have her dress run. I was really upset when I got out of therapy." Niylah quirked an eyebrow. She hadn't heard this. Lexa usually told her most things, but this was new information. Niylah couldn't help but be protective. Yes, Lexa had lied, lead Clarke own and betrayed her trust, but all for very valid reasons. Then again,  mental illness was a valid reason to be a dick, but in the end, you still had to apologize for your behavior, understandable or not. That's why she wasn't shitting on Clarke. She could see both sides. No one was innocent. This, however, peaked her interest.

"Oh?"

 

_She didn't even care that people were staring at her when she closed the door to Angie's office behind her. She was full on sobbing, though she was trying to keep herself from breathing, so the sobbing would stop. Not a very good idea. She wasn't breathing out, which would inevitably lead to hyperventilation. She quickly walked out._

_"Fucking hell." She cursed when she leaned against the bricks on the other side of the student support building. She let out of a strangled sob once more. That's when she heard her voice. What was she even doing here? The odds were just laughable._

_"Lex?" Clarke ran over to her and gripped her shoulders. "What happened?" She sounded so worried and honestly Lexa couldn't deal with making sure Clarke was comfortable with what she would tell her. She couldn't contemplate what she could and couldn't tell her, or what they were ready for. She just needed to take care of herself right now._

_"I can't- Just go." Clarke frowned and shook her head._

_"No."_

_"Clarke, I can't do this with you right now. I'm having a really bad day if you can't tell. I can't make sure you're okay-" Clarke pulled her into a tight hug._

_"You don't have to, I'm here, just tell me what's wrong or lean on me or whatever. I don't care. You don't have to worry how I'll react." Clarke stated finding it ridiculous Lexa was even worried about that or that she implied Lexa should be. This is what she didn't want. She didn't want Lexa to be in a position where she took care of Clarke. She always did that. She wouldn't allow her to do that now._

_She sobbed and started leaning heavily on her. She was trying to speak, but nothing was happening, so Clarke made her sit down. Clarke hushed her and rubbed circles on her back._

_"Breathe. It's okay." She held both of Lexa's hands and made the brunette look at her. Lexa sniffed, her sobs had halted by now, and she leaned against the bricks hoping to find regularity in her breathing. She then paused and looked at Clarke._

_"What if my foundations are broken?" Lexa blurted out, but Clarke frowned._

_"Your foundations?"_

_"Yeah, you know? Like your house can be broken and fixed, but what if I can't be fixed. What if my foundations are broken and it's just not fixable?" Clarke tucked Lexa's curls behind her ears._

_"Hey, look at me. Your foundations are not broken. I know it sounds so easy for me to say that, but I see you. I see who you are, and I know that they're not. You're so strong and brave. Besides, that's not how it works. You know that better than I do. And even if you're broken, I'll be there to help you fix it." Clarke stated genuinely but Lexa snorted. She didn't mean to sound bitter. "I mean it. I know, we've been so-" Clarke looked up. So what? How would she even begin to describe it. "I know it's complicated between us, but that's what our lunches are for right?" Lexa frowned. She was confused._

_"You can feel guilty, and I can feel guilty, and we show each other how reliable we can be and build some kind of whatever, but this isn't that. This is-" Clarke paused for a second and then wrapped her arms completely around Lexa, "We're pausing. Take this moment just to lean on me, no pressure or strings attached." Lexa looked at Clarke skeptically, but she could see Clarke had meant what she had said._

_"It kills me to see you like this, so just-_ just _let me," Clarke whispered, and Lexa's eyes glistened.  Then Clarke added, "I'll even buy you froyo." Lexa laughed through her tears._

_"You hate froyo. You call it a lie."_

_"Yeah, but you don't." Lexa leaned forward and nuzzled into Clarke's neck. This was wrong and possibly dangerous, but Clarke wasn't letting go._

_"Let's just take this pause and forget how complicated we are, and let me take care of you. If you feel up for it, you can talk to me about it. Screw whatever I told you before. Take advantage of the pause." Lexa sighed shook her head._

_"Okay, well screw the bad day in general, we'll make it better. I promise." Lexa looked up with a sad smile,  "Come on. I know you're already thinking of your toppings. Which ones to take. How to stack them. How to organize them." Lexa laughed. She felt better, how that was even possible, she didn't know. Only 15 minutes ago was she on the brink of a panic attack. It was selfish yes, she wasn't ready, and neither was Clarke, but she was already feeling so much better simply by leaning into Clarke._

"I had a weak moment."

"You sure that was wise?" Niylah asked. "I mean I love that she was there. It shows she really cares but-"

"I know, we're just calling it an 'off the record' moment. This doesn't _change_ anything, well not per se. Obviously, it changes some things, but I don't want that moment to create unnecessary pressure. It's nice to know that if either one needs to other, we can take that moment, no pressure." Niylah smiled.

"You two have too many rules, I swear."

"I like rules," Lexa smirked, and Niylah shook her head.

"You know what? I'll just take them both." She said referring to the sausages she had in hand, which consequently made Lexa groan.

"You couldn't have realized that 20 minutes ago?"

"Where is the fun in that?"

* * *

 

"Then?" Lexa yelled from the tech box. Clarke was helping them out as a stand-in director to see what Octavia meant as she was down on the floor. She would then communicate with Lexa. She had performed the same night as Niylah's group had, so she had plenty of time on her hands. At first, Lexa had been hesitant when she saw Clarke standing in the rehearsal room, but things had been nice lately so it couldn't hurt. Or at least she hoped it wouldn't.

After another 15 minutes of trying to get their cues right, Lexa stated, "I need a break." She looked at the clock. It was 4h15pm, and Anya wouldn't be here for another hour. She sighed a little. She wanted to keep going and be ready by the time Anya was here, but she needed a break or she would keep messing up the cues.

"Yeah I'll come with you, I need some air," Octavia stated which left Clarke in an awkward position. Shaking off the uneasiness, however, she accompanied them outside and sat down next to Lexa as Octavia went to fill her water bottle.

"So," She stated awkwardly after a few minutes. Lexa smiled a little. "Ready for tomorrow?" Lexa arched an eyebrow. She had been in the same studio, she knew they still needed to work, so Clarke snorted. "Okay, yeah no, stupid question. Sorry."

"Don't be. I'm just nervous."

"About tomorrow?" Clarke questioned, and Lexa realized she hadn't actually told Clarke her family was coming. Not that she didn't want to, but it literally skipped her mind, because she had been so busy the other day crying her heart out. That particular thought made her cringe, and the embarrassment flushed her face. "You okay?"

"Yes," Lexa cleared her throat. "Actually, my-" before she could finish that sentence she heard a familiar voice.

"Me first, me first, me first, me first-" Emori was shouting as she was running towards Lexa.

"Emori?" She stood up and started grinning. Clarke looked at the toddler who was still repeating the same thing until she wrapped her eager arms around Lexa and was lifted off the ground. Clarke smiled curiously.

"Me first!" Emori yelled and hugged her tightly. Lexa laughed as she noticed a very unimpressed Anya jogging towards her.

"Sorry, she just got it in her mind to run all over this darn campus." _Darn_? Lexa laughed and shook her head, she kissed Emori's shoulder and started placing her back on the ground. Emori tried to complain, but one stern look from Anya silenced the toddler. "We're early, I called you, but it went straight to voicemail," Anya stated, but Lexa kept shaking her head and smiling.

"I was working, sorry." She reached out and hugged her tightly. "I missed you." She whispered. She was very aware that Clarke and by now Octavia were witnessing this, but she pushed herself to focus on her family.

"I know baby," Anya muttered, and Clarke frowned a little. It's her sister, she told herself, but she felt jealous anyways. How ridiculous was that? Soon enough both Echo and Lincoln arrived while Echo was still munching on some popcorn.

Octavia, who first had tried not to pay attention and give Lexa her privacy by striking up a conversation with Clarke, couldn't drag her eyes away now. She was captivated by the boy that was jogging towards Lexa and eventually lifted Lexa up. Clarke too had shifted her attention back to the exchange and saw a beautiful girl cupping Lexa's face. She felt green simmering from her feet to her ribs. The girl kissed Lexa's cheek, and Clarke looked away.

"You don't call. You don't write. Where's the love?" She heard the girl say. She also heard Lexa giggle loudly, which was quite rare. She almost pouted. Who was that girl?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I've been AWOL, my dissertation is my life and this story takes a lot of energy. Anyways I know there was a bit of time jump (I usually do 2 weeks in between each chapter and here it was double but I'm tired and you guys are tired so there) 
> 
> See you next time folks (will probably update sometime in the next couple of days again to make up for the absence)


	28. Chapter 28

"Where do you sleep?" Emori asked after Lexa had awkwardly introduced both Octavia and Clarke to her family.

"I sleep here," Emori looked around and frowned, "I mean, I sleep in the Marlow building, in a room, with a friend."

"You're sleeping with a friend," Emori stated confidently. No, that didn't sound right. Octavia snorted, and Lexa widened her eyes awkwardly.

"No, I mean yes. I am sleeping in the same room as a friend." She explained, and Emori nodded.

"You're sleeping with a friend." Lexa wanted to facepalm herself. She nodded and looked at Anya, who seemed just as amused. Lexa rolled her eyes but smiled eventually. She glanced at Clarke, and the blonde looked particularly flustered. She wished it hadn't skipped her mind. She wished she could've told her, not that she was introducing Clarke as 'anything', but still.

Emori grabbed her wrist and pulled vigorously, which reverted Lexa's attention back to the four-year-old.

"Show me." She demanded and started dragging her forward.

"Emori." Anya scolded, but it was no use.

"Emori, honey, I have to work," Lexa said glancing back at Octavia. Their break had expanded from five minutes to twenty, and they really needed to get back to work. The performance was tomorrow. They needed to. Lexa reached out for Emori's other hand and twirled the toddler towards her. "Hey, I promise I'll show you everything after I'm done, okay?" Emori seemed to consider it and then shrugged.

"We could do it now, and you could work after," Emori whined.

"Emori, that's enough," Anya snapped. The four-year-old had days where she was particularly rude and didn't listen. This was one of those days. Anya couldn't figure out what she was doing wrong. She had a tight schedule, good friends, good discipline and still she had the ability to act like a spoiled brat. Emori pouted and nodded.

"I'm sorry." She muttered, and Lexa picked her up so she could hug her. She then handed her to Anya, who told her they would have some food in the meantime. She asked Lexa to text them once she was done unless it would be too late, then they would meet the next day for brunch.

Lexa watched them walk away for a little while until she turned around and huffed, "I'm sorry about that. I thought they were coming later." She said to both Octavia and Clarke, but neither seemed to mind. Octavia merely said to work a little faster, and everything would be fine. Lexa gave Clarke a reassuring smile, but the blonde only shyly acknowledged what she was saying. And so they went back to work.

"I'm sorry." She muttered under her breath while they were back in the tech box, and finally alone. Clarke looked up quizzically.

"For what?" She asked as she looked down at her clipboard to make sure they had the order right.

"I wanted to tell you my family was coming. It just skipped my mind," Lexa said adjusting the timing on one of the cues after Clarke pointed it out to her. Clarke shrugged and hummed indifferently.

"Lexa, you don't owe me that information. I mean, I'm really glad your sister is here, I never really knew what happened," She trailed off as Lexa was flicking one of the lights and Octavia yelled it was wrong. "Not that I should know, but- anyways, I don't care that you didn't tell me. I'm happy for you." Lexa stared at Clarke and felt sheepish now.

"Thanks, Clarke." She then paused for a second and added, "I could tell you a little more about my sister, tomorrow, maybe after the performance?" She asked and Clarke stared at her.

"Don't we have Niylah's barbecue?"

"We do, but maybe before?" Lexa murmured, then she shook her head. "You know what? It was stupid of me to ask, never mind-"

"Lexa, stop. I simply asked because I assumed everyone would immediately head over to Niylah's after the performance, I don't know if there is a 'before', or maybe I'm just a loser that arrives on time." Clarke blushed, but Lexa shook her head.

"No, no. You're not a loser. _I'm_ a loser," She stated, and Clarke arched her eyebrows, "I mean-" She was babbling. Great, and now she was blushing. Why was she blushing? Lexa was cursing her own body. It was the tech box. It was cramped, and so she was blushing, from the heat. To add insult to injury, Clarke smirked which only burned Lexa's cheeks harder.

"Hello?" Octavia shouted. Clarke widened her eyes and peeked her head through the tech box window. "Finally, what am I? Chopped liver? I've been trying to get your attention for the last minute here. Did you not hear me shouting?"

"Sorry, O'"

"Uhuh." The brunette voiced as she tapped her foot. Clarke smirked at Octavia's position.

"Hmm, such dynamic, much activity." Clarke purred. Octavia, for a moment, looked down at how she had positioned her body and rolled her eyes.

"Fuck off, Clarke. Get the cues right so that we can get out of here." She barked, then Clarke saluted which only added fuel to Octavia's fire. "Now." She gritted her teeth so that Clarke would receive the message. The blonde hid in the tech box and giggled, only to find a particularly confused Lexa.

"It's an inside joke," Clarke explained.

"The saluting or whatever that was before?" Lexa responded.

"Both, I guess. The first one was about the position found in classical sculptures called 'contrapposto'. It was supposed to add dynamism and an active posture to the sculpture. So anytime Octavia takes on the position and, well, she is slightly pissed off, I make the joke-" Clarke buried her face in her hands. Lexa wanted to ask what was wrong, but soon enough Clarke explained, "And this is totally not funny when I'm explaining it. I sound like such a nerd." She cringed at herself, but Lexa disagreed.

"I like it." Clarke held Lexa's gaze. That was until Octavia's voice pierced through the air once more.

"Any day now Clarke? Before I do transform into fucking David, and use my huge hands to beat you up!" Octavia yelled.

"I don't mind huge hands that much." She joked while her head was through the window again. This time, however, Octavia was about to lose it. "Okay, okay!" She laughed and looked back into the booth. "Try all the cues again Lex." She told the brunette.

"David? Huge hands?" Lexa asked going through them, and Clarke grimaced, "Another art history thing." Lexa stated, and Clarke nodded sheepishly.

"Alas, we're all nerds," Clarke stated, and Lexa wished she had taken more visual art classes so she would understand the jokes. Then again, she had some music history jokes of her own that she could tell Clarke. Lexa cringed at the thought.

_'Yeah sure, make yourself look even more ridiculous.'_

* * *

 

"You should really try to eat something," Anya stated when she noticed Lexa playing with her food, the next day at their brunch.

"I'm nervous, which is ridiculous because I won't even be on stage."

"You won't?" Emori pouted.

"Don't interrupt, Emori," Anya stated and allowed Lexa to continue. Lexa looked at Emori pitifully.

"I'm sorry, baby. I'll be in the tech box. I'll try to wave at you when you come in, okay?" Lexa suggested, and Emori nodded, seemingly satisfied with the answer. "I'm so nervous." She said again, and Anya shook her head.

"You've faced worse things than this." Echo tried to be helpful but instead put her foot in her mouth. Yes, worse things had happened, "I mean-" She tried to backpedal, not only for everyone else at the table but herself.

"I know, I guess, I just don't want to let anyone down," Lexa muttered, disregarding what Echo had said. Echo raised an eyebrow and took that as an opportunity to interrogate Lexa a little more about this Clarke she had heard too little about.

"You mean you want to impress?" She asked, and Lexa shrugged. "Perhaps, you want to impress a certain blonde, and by that I don't mean Anya?" Echo teased, and Anya grunted.

"No, I want to impress Anya," Lexa said stubbornly.

"Really? Just Anya? You're not the least bit interested in impressing your girl?" Echo joked, and Lexa halted her movements.

"She's not my girl," Lexa said seriously before noticing Emori was making a mess and Anya had a hard time reaching out to her to clean her face. Lexa huffed and quickly took her napkin and started wiping Emori's face, as the girl was sitting next to her, and Anya opposed from her.

"Well, whatever she is-"

"I'm not ready," Lexa muttered while she cut Emori's sausage and received a grateful smile from Anya. Lexa huffed again while shaking her head, "Are you really telling me, you're fine with me dating someone new? After all, that happened!" Lexa's breath was heavy, "Costia was your twin, why are you so eager to see me with someone else?" Lexa asked, and her question had some bite to it.

Echo swallowed deeply when Lexa mentioned her sister. "Costia would've wanted you to be happy. And you dating someone new isn't going to erase Costia for me." Echo said determinedly.

"I wish I could say the same," Lexa muttered bitterly, and she felt a lump growing in her throat. Echo stared at her in shock.

"Get up. We need to talk, now." Echo said standing up, but Anya objected.

"Echo, this is hardly the time. She's already nervous." Anya stated, but Lexa shook her head and told her sister it was fine.

They sat outside, on a bench.

"Look, I'll just come out and say it: It's okay not to be ready, but you being ready does not erase Costia or how much you loved her. You know that right?" Echo stated after grabbing Lexa's hand, but Lexa stared ahead. She was clenching her jaw and was obviously fighting her feelings. She didn't want to be this upset.

"I don't know how to do it," Lexa uttered. "I know Costia would've said, go for it, and if I'm being truthful, I don't know if I would love Costia the way I loved her if she would come back from the dead now." A single tear rolled down Lexa's cheek. "And it kills me to say that, because I do, I love her, just not-" Lexa's voice cracked.

"Lexa, my sister is dead. She's been dead for over two years. It's okay to feel that way. It's okay to move on. That doesn't make the love you had any less real." Echo encouraged her, but Lexa shook her head. She then looked up and stared into Echo's eyes, so similar to Costia's. Her whole demeanor and smell were so familiar.

"What if something goes wrong with someone new and I lose myself again?" She didn't have the courage to say, Clarke.  "I've only just started feeling like myself again like I found pieces of myself. I don't know if I'm ready to risk it all over."

"Don't you think Clarke helped you find those pieces?" Lexa looked up, slightly stunned.

_'Yes, probably.'_

She hadn't considered that. "Sweetie, it's okay if you're not ready. I just know in my heart that it's okay to move on with someone new when you are."

Lexa nodded but then huffed, "But it feels like I'd be forgetting not only her but everything that happened afterward." She was rambling, telling Echo everything. She had forgotten how easy it was to talk to Echo. She imagined it had to do with the bond she shared with Costia, which was also the reason she could not bear it after Costia died. In a way, it was like talking to Costia. Like Echo served as a portal, much like Costia's grave did. Lexa then cringed at the thought.

_'That was slightly offensive. Why am I comparing Echo to a grave?'_

Echo looked at her sympathetically and squeezed her hand, "Well, that's what you're working on now right?" She asked, and Lexa nodded. Next, Lexa put her head on Echo's shoulder.

"I think I'm getting a tattoo," Lexa muttered. She was almost sure now a tattoo, along with her scars would help her remember, but she would only be sure after she had gotten the tattoo.

Echo snorted, "A tattoo? After all the grief you gave Costia for getting one? Wow, she must be gloating from up there." Echo laughed.

"I was fifteen, and wrong." Lexa rolled her eyes.

"Whatever you say, darling. What kind of tattoo?" Echo asked, but Lexa shrugged a little.

"It's going to be on my back, and I've got a few designs in mind." She smiled and with that she realized the conversation would shift to something easier.

* * *

 

"You're sure you won't mind that my family joins us?" Lexa asked Niylah and the blonde looked at her with an annoyed expression.

"Dude, you've asked me three times already, if you ask again, I'm going to say no just to troll you, stop. I would love to get to know your family, alright?" She reassured the brunette and Lexa smiled. "Now go! Break a leg." She hugged Lexa tightly, and the brunette quickly ran up the stairs, up to the tech box.

As she had promised, she waved eagerly at Emori when people started coming in. She knew it was uncommon for the techie to show their face throughout the performance, but she had promised, and the look on Emori's face made it all worth it.

Nothing had gone wrong, which she was thankful for, and when Octavia gestured at her during the curtain call, she felt her heart flutter. Finally, she was done for this term, and she would be enjoying a nice barbecue with not only her friends but also her family. Even more exciting was the prospect of going home for Easter and going on Easter hunts with Emori, that was if they still did it. Lexa had had to organize them when she was still in charge of the neighborhood, as nothing nice really happened in her neighborhood unless its citizens made it happen. It really was a testimony of how America treated some of its impoverished neighborhoods.

She hopped down from the tech box and was about to help Octavia with the clean up, but was stopped by Clarke, who hugged her tightly.

"You did amazing." She squealed, and Lexa wrapped her arms a bit tighter around Clarke than she usually would all the while hearing Echo's voice in the back of her mind. She swallowed deep. "Come on, let's go help out O'."

"Yeah." Lexa breathed and followed her. She helped, alongside a few others, but her mind was elsewhere. Elsewhere, meaning, nowhere. She was so distracted she hadn't heard her cell phone going off the first time. It was Clarke that had shaken her shoulder the next time her cell phone rang.

"Hey, are you okay?" She voiced, which made Lexa blink.

"Sorry, yes I am. I'm distracted." She stated while gratefully taking the phone from Clarke. When she answered, she heard Anya's voice and immediately said she would be out in a minute. Apparently though Niylah had taken them to her barbecue already, so she needn't worry. She frowned at her phone when she hung up.

"You sure you're okay." Clarke murmured, and her voice had turned intoxicating. 

"Yes. Are we done here?" She asked Octavia, who nodded at her. She had just finished mopping everything, and she only needed to return the key.

"I'm going home to change first. I'll meet you guys there." Octavia stated, while wiping some leftover sweat from her brow.

"I'll go with her." Clarke stated, "You'll be okay to go on your own, though?"

"Yes, it's not far. It's off campus, but like a 5-minute walk, so I'll be fine." She smiled widely.

She was right in saying that it was too far. She only had to cross the campus and then walk straight ahead for a few minutes, before she reached the off-campus apartments. The whole area was deserted, but there were some off-campus buildings that were mostly devoted to students, which was basically like living on campus, only with fewer rules and single bedrooms. She breathed out happily as she walked up to the front door and soon enough Niylah let her in.

"Auntie Lexi you're here!" Emori squealed and ran over to her. "I've already cooked a sausage on my own and wasn't afraid of the fire. It's really nice, and I did all by myself, look." She pointed at charred sausage laying out of reach. Anya scowled at her daughter for trying to eat it. It was extremely burned. "Mommy won't let me eat, she says I burned it and that it's bad, but I think it's excellent to burn it up. Echo says she burns it up all the time." Lexa heard Echo snort in the back. She was surprised at how many people were already there. She spotted her entire family, Echo included. Nyko had called and said he would only make it by tomorrow and would miss this. He had business to attend to.

Lexa took Emori's hand and glanced at Lincoln, who already had a harem of girl fawning over him.

"Some things never change I see." She mumbled as she sat down next to Echo and placed Emori on her lap.

"Tell me about it." She hissed. Even though Lincoln and Echo were on good terms, they were still exes. And it was always going to be uncomfortable, especially when one would always have a queue of girls waiting in line.

"You know, he disregards most girls. You were special." Lexa tried to reassure her, but Echo laughed.

"Darling, that was like 3 - 4 years ago, I don't care. I've got my own harem." Echo winked while she took a bite from her hamburger. It was only then Lexa noticed both Jasper and Murphy eyeing Echo and she groaned. Of course, she had her own harem.

* * *

 

The party was going smoothly. Lexa was surprised at how smoothly it was going, especially after Octavia and Clarke arrived. She had expected there to be some tension, but there was none. Octavia got on spotlessly with people which indicated that her hostile behavior truly meant she had been overprotective of Clarke. Octavia had even started talking to Lincoln. Raven and Niylah got on a bit too well, which on a few occasions pushed Lexa to narrow her eyes at Niylah, who then just giggled and continued talking to Raven.

She sat next to Echo for most of the night, even when Anya and Emori left because it was getting late and, after all, a four-year-old could not be out of bed past nine. Lexa had hugged her sister and then reclaimed her place next to Echo. She had tried to introduce Clarke to the brunette, but the blonde stayed by Althea's side and only glanced at her a few times. Glancing was too nice of a word. Glaring was a better one.

At some point throughout the night, Lexa had hugged Niylah and thanked her for this barbecue. That's when she noticed Clarke's gaze hardening even further. Soon after, she followed the blonde to the kitchen.

"Hey, stranger," Lexa said as Clarke was filling her drink. Clarke smiled at her while whispering what Lexa had said back, and then turned her gaze back to what looked like to be Niylah. She flicked her eyes between Niylah and Echo which caused Lexa to chuckle quietly. "You know, you're going to hurt your eyes like that."

Clarke quickly diverted her gaze to the sink and blushed. She wasn't sure what to do. She had watched Lexa talk to this girl all night, and all she knew was that her name was Echo. She wanted to drag Lexa away and- She sighed and didn't allow her mind to go there.

"There's only you," Lexa whispered, and Clarke snapped her eyes up.  Lexa cocked her head to the side and smiled warmly.

"Lex," Clarke whispered. There was a long pause before she spoke again, "You can't say stuff like that." Clarke's voice sounded as if she was begging for something. Lexa's smile fell, and she bit her lip.

"Sorry, I just- Echo is just a friend. And you know nothing is going on between Niylah and me. In fact, I think Raven might be interested." She wanted to reassure Clarke, not complicate the friendship they shared. Clarke nodded, in fact, she kept nodding, which looked like she was considering something. Eventually, she stopped and looked up.

"How did you meet her?" Clarke asked while she shifted her gaze back to Echo.

"We all grew up together. I kind of met Costia through her." Lexa smiled. That information caught Clarke's attention. "She's Costia's sister," Lexa admitted and was again subjected to Clarke's stunned eyes. "Her twin, actually," she added, and Clarke's eyes only filled more with fear and shock.

" _That's_ what Costia looked like?" She hated how insecure she sounded. How the picture of Lexa with Echo was basically that of Lexa and Costia. She couldn't stand how much it bothered her even to imagine what it must've looked like. Then she couldn't help but compare herself to Echo and how much prettier she considered Echo to be, how confident she looked. She couldn't stop the thoughts from swarming through the nooks of her mind. That was until Lexa brushed her fingers against the fabric of her t-shirt as if she knew what Clarke's thoughts entailed.

"No. They weren't identical. Ironically, they were very special. Echo looks pretty white." Clarke nodded, agreeing with Lexa. "But, Costia, well both of them are biracial, but Costia looked the part more than Echo does." Lexa rambled. "I'm not sure why I'm telling you this." She giggled nervously.

"No, it sounds cool." Clarke breathed, still unsure how she was feeling, not that that should have any effect on how she should act towards Lexa. She tried to smile and hoped it was convincing.

"I promise, I'm not interested in anyone out there." She had chosen her words carefully, so she wouldn't include Clarke like she had clumsily done before, but she would exclude everyone else. Clarke nodded, and God did she want to reach out and touch Lexa. It was the perfect night, it was particularly warm for April, there was nice music and nice food. It was romantic, which only made it harder.

"Tell me more about your family?" Clarke asked, and Lexa grinned widely. She nodded eagerly, and they chose to occupy a spot no one else was. Echo had now joined Niylah and Raven's conversation.

"So," Lexa muttered as a chill ran down her spine.

"So," Clarke smiled meekly.

"Where do I even start?" Lexa mumbled as she watched the sun going down. The colors were beautiful, and she only imagined how Clarke experienced things like this. She had such a visual mind. She wondered what it would be like to see colors like that when you were an artist that itched to put such colors on paper.

"Wherever you're comfortable." Clarke murmured and tried to ignore the looks both Octavia and Raven were giving her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not much to say, there may be some Niylah-Raven or Echo-Raven or Niylah-Echo-Raven, idk lol let me know what you think. 
> 
> See you next time folks!


	29. Chapter 29

_Raven captured Echo's lips as she rocked her hips onto the brunette's fingers. "Fuck." She breathed out. She kept rolling onto the girl's hands while looking into her eyes. She gasped when her walls fluttered around Echo's fingers. That was until Echo's face transformed into sharper features and her hair turned golden. If it weren't for the pleasure she was feeling right now, she would've panicked but Niylah's fingers worked rapidly around her clit and Raven dug her nails deep into Niylah's back. The blonde was working Raven's body, from nibbling on her neck to pinching her nipple. Just as she felt she was about to come, Octavia came into the room with a certain look on her face. Raven slowed down and frowned. She blinked rapidly, still confused as to why Octavia was here, but more so why she was crying._

_"O'?" Octavia's tears ran down her face as she ran away. "Octavia! Wait! What's wrong?" She climbed off Niylah but then slipped on the floor._

"Octavia!" Raven screeched, and that's when she realized she was having the weirdest sex dream ever. She had also just screamed out her friend's name. "Okay?" She breathed loudly when she flopped back onto her pillow. She used her arm to cover her eyes as the sunbeams burned her eyes too brightly. "What the fuck?" She questioned, still trying to wrap her mind around her weirdest dream thus far. "What did I drink?" She whispered to herself. The only times she would ever dream this way was when she would drink tequila. Did she drink tequila?

She remembered the night before and her excessive flirting with both Niylah and Echo. They were both really nice and cool, but honestly she just really needed to get laid. She hadn't had a proper fuck since Finn broke her heart. If this dream was any indication of the drought that had established itself in her vagina, she knew she had to go out and look for some lubrication. The weirdest part yet was Octavia, who had seemed so upset. She tried to retrace her steps and remembered Octavia chatting up Lexa's cousin. He seemed decent enough, though she did remember Octavia glancing at her every now and then.

She let the dream roll of her back as she slipped on an Adidas sweater and a pair skinny jeans, but not before pulling her hair into a ponytail. She made her way down to the breakfast hall and spotted both Octavia and Clarke already chatting away.

"Hey, sleepy head. I can't believe you made it, you've only got another 10 minutes, you better hurry." Clarke chuckled. Raven widened her eyes and nodded rapidly till she made her way to breakfast line. It was blueberry pancakes on Sundays. She would not miss that.

"So continue," Clarke said to Octavia, who had been telling her about Lincoln.

"He's really nice. There's nothing really wrong with him, which is slightly unsettling." Octavia chuckled.

"But?"

"But, nothing. I just told you the guy- the person is perfect and extremely attractive." Octavia stated, but Clarke stared at her. She knew she was holding back. "He's genderqueer, which I'll admit is making me doubt some things and it's making me feel stupid. I like him and the way he looks, his pronouns are he or they, I mean it's really not a big deal, but it just makes me question things about sexuality in general. I don't know how I feel about my sexuality anymore or my gender, I never really thought about it until now." Octavia closed her eyes.

"That's okay. As long as you like him, that's what's important right?" Clarke asked

"Yes, of course." Octavia babbled before Raven joined their table.

"What are you we talking about on this lovely morning?" She asked, and Clarke raised an eyebrow.

"This lovely morning? I hate how you never get hangovers." Clarke sank into her seat which caused Raven to laugh.

"I did have a weird dream? If that makes you feel better." Raven suggested with a lopsided smile. That peaked Clarke's interest, dreams were a particular fascination.

"What happened in it?" Clarke asked, and Raven gulped, quickly glancing at Octavia.

"Just a weird sex dream," Raven muttered while cutting her blueberry pancakes in pieces. Octavia glanced at her and frowned.

"Who about?" Octavia asked, and Raven stiffened.

"I don't remember." She lied, not sure why. She felt uncomfortable. She even regretted bringing it up. "How's Lexa?" She asked Clarke knowing it would surely divert the conversation away from her. Clarke chewed her lip. "I saw you guys getting pretty cozy last night." Raven wiggled her eyebrows when she spoke, but Clarke shook her head vigorously.

"We're taking it slow," Clarke stated calmly with a shrug or two.

"It being what exactly?" Octavia asked skeptically. She respected Lexa but she was still protective of Clarke, she didn't want her friend to get hurt again.

"It being a friendship right now. That's all either of us can handle at the moment." Clarke smiled. "She's having lunch with her family before they leave." She added, and Octavia pouted.

"I won't see him again will I?" She sulked and gazed into her empty plate. Raven put her arm around the brunette and squeezed tightly.

"Awh, come on O' we'll find you someone else," Raven grinned which motivated Octavia to look up and smile shyly at her friend. Looking into Octavia's eyes brought Raven back to her dream, and she awkwardly retracted her arm and focused on her plate.

_'I really need to get laid.'_

"I don't want anyone else," Octavia muttered, her shoulders slumping with defeat. "How was your night? I'm surprised you went home alone. I could've sworn you would've gone home with Echo or Niylah, or both." Octavia commented.

"Yeah, I mean the opportunity was there, but- I don't know, the moment passed I guess." Raven's nonchalance steered the conversation away from her once more though she did see Clarke looking at her with some suspicion.

They continued speaking about the party and the people there until the conversation centered around the subject of Easter break.

"I'm probably staying here," Clarke commented. "All alone." She added with a dramatic flair.

"Hey! I'll be here." Raven replied which was confusing for both girls. She had expected Raven to join Octavia for Easter. Then the blonde frowned, now questioning what she would do. She would not spend Easter alone, both Octavia and Clarke had made a vow to invite Raven over for every holiday ever since her parents cut her off.

"Wait, you're not staying with Clarke?" Octavia asked. "Why did you tell you were going to stay with Clarke?" She demanded almost sounding angry.

"Look, I really appreciate this vow both of you have made, and I'll keep taking you up on it for Thanksgiving and Christmas, but I really don't mind just spending my break here, alone or with people that will be here. There are a handful of people that don't go home because of money or something else, and they're having a dinner party for Easter. It should be fun, and I don't want to keep taking advantage of either of your parents." Raven said before she grimaced.

"Rae, you're not taking advantage. I like having you over for the holidays. It makes it more fun." Clarke stated, and Octavia nodded.

"I know, I just don't want to keep being your charity case, you know?" Raven replied. She had thought of this for a few months now. She had lived with Abby for a year when her parents threw her out. She was surprised how Clarke's parents had even been friends in the first place. They were so different from hers. When Abby took her in, her friendship with Raven's parents crumbled as well. The only connection Raven still had was to her grandfather, who she would see on benefits he organized. To keep family unity, however, he would attend their holiday parties and Raven would be left alone. He didn't agree with his daughter's choices, but he had to abide by them.

"You're hardly a charity case. You lived with us. You're family for Christ's sake." Clarke retorted. Raven reached out and wrapped her hand around Clarke, then squeezed it tightly.

"I know that. And I know this sounds ungrateful, but for once I would like to feel like I don't owe anyone anything. I'm sorry." Clarke's expression softened at Raven's words. She sighed and nodded.

"You're still joining for the Easter hunt. There's not discussion there." She took a spoonful of her cereal and munched angrily which made Raven smile.

"Yes, Captain." Clarke slowed her grinding and offered Raven a small smile.

* * *

 

"I see you've got her number." Lexa smirked at Lincoln, who was still staring at his phone. They were almost going to say goodbye, and he was still waiting for Octavia to see him off. He looked sad which pulled at Lexa's heartstrings.

"Not that it matters. I'm going back, and she's here." He said sounding disappointed. "Wasted potential. I think I could've really liked her given the chance." He said and then pouted. Lexa cooed and hugged his head tightly, considering she could barely wrap her arms around one of his shoulders.

"Well, you could always come out here. I know you've wanted to go to veterinarian school. You could. No one has to stay in that damn neighborhood."

"You might have left Lexa, but the rest of us can't make that choice as lightly as you did." Lincoln snapped and truly hurt Lexa's feelings. She hardly made that decision lightly. It wasn't a choice at all given the circumstances. "I have responsibilities." He stated.

"I thought everything was going smoothly," Lexa muttered.

"It is." He said, and his expression softened, then turned to guilt. "I'm sorry about what I said. You made sure that it stayed honest. It is good, but Nia-"

"Leave Nia to me." Lexa's voice threatened.

"You're here, Lex. What are you going to do?" Lincoln sounded frustrated.

"I would give it up, all of it, if I felt that things were going south. But that's my job, not yours. Go earn that degree you've always wanted to do." Lexa encouraged which got Lincoln thinking. He couldn't believe that he was considering this, but Lexa had a way with words. Not just words, but the way she said them with so much conviction. She could convince a whole group of people with three words, which is why she had been chosen to be Heda, that and her gift for strategy and leadership. He nodded, then noticed a small brunette running their way.

"Hey, Lincoln!" Octavia said a bit too loudly which then turned her self-conscious as she widened her eyes and awkwardly took a step back. She scratched the back of her neck and rubbed her lips together. That was not embarrassing at all.

"Hey," Lincoln smiled, and then without warning enveloped her in a tight hug, almost lifting her off the floor. Lexa chuckled and turned her back so the pair could have some privacy. She turned to Emori, who basically laid, passed out in the car. She had been fussy all night according to Anya because she was upset they had left the party earlier than everyone else. To state it lightly neither had gotten a lot of sleep which could be felt in Anya's general displeasure.

"At least we'll be able to listen to whatever we want," Anya muttered her mood still sour from her lack of sleep. Lexa offered a sympathetic smile before she hugged her sister tightly.

"I love you," Lexa whispered.

"I love you too, Lexie. " Anya tightened her hold for a second, which made Lexa feel fifteen again, then looked Lexa in the eyes, "I'll see you in a week?"

"You're sure you can spare the money?" Lexa asked. Anya waved her hand dismissively.

"Yes, I don't mind spending a couple of hundred bucks if it means I get to spend time with my family," Anya said determinedly. She squeezed Lexa's arm one last time then turned on her heels.

"Be safe." She said and right at that moment Lincoln huddled into the car and left a rather sad Octavia behind.

When the car turned the corner, Lexa watched Octavia, who was chewing on the inside of her cheek. She saw the brunette sigh and sulk but not turn around. She stayed glued to the spot Lincoln had left her in.

"Come on. Let's go back inside." Lexa offered, and Octavia genuinely smiled at her.

* * *

 

Lexa had another exam to go before she could go home. This was now four days later, and she had just finished her exam. She was rather sure she had blown the exam and was having a particularly challenging day considering the mood she was in, so having lunch with Clarke would not be the treat she thought it was going to be.

She spotted Clarke for their weekly lunch at their usual table and was afraid her attitude would ruin to the good place they were in. Nevertheless, she approached the blonde who had her nose in a Capote book. Lexa was intrigued Clarke had taken the habit of reading anything Capote she could get her hands on. A part of her hoped it was because she had told Clarke it was her favorite author.

"Capote again?" Lexa voiced and with that startled Clarke so much she spilled her cup of tea, which she was holding in one hand and the book in the other, over her sleeve. Lexa's eyes widened and started collecting some napkins to hand them to Clarke. The blonde was breathing heavy and by the time Lexa had assembled enough napkins that she deemed necessary the blonde had already wiped her down her pants.

"I must have a bad conscience." Clarke snickered while still breathing heavily. Lexa chuckled, then took out her homemade lunch. Monty had made his famous stir-fry again and had shared it with her.

"Must be," Lexa mumbled.

"How was your exam?" Clarke asked. Lexa bristled at the mere reference to what she considered being her greatest academic failure yet. That is discounting her high school experience. Her biggest failure in a class she actually studied for. Clarke grimaced. "That well huh?"

"I don't want to talk about it," Lexa muttered and started forking the stir-fry. Clarke watched her with arched eyebrows and contemplating going back to her book and leaving the girl be, but this was their weekly lunch. This is what this was for. Clarke bit her lip as the insecurity within her started taking over. What if she had done something wrong? What if she had annoyed Lexa in some way or another? Had she been too overbearing? Had she insulted her family? The options were limitless. Then she heard Raven's voice in the back of her head.

 _"Griffin, I love more than anything, but not everything is about you. Your insecurity really goes hand in hand with your self-centeredness."_ She had said a few days ago when Octavia lashed out at her.

Clarke told herself not to jump to conclusions and think about Lexa. The girl took a lot of pride in her studies. She didn't want to talk about her exam, so it was most likely that. There was no ulterior meaning behind Lexa's mood. Then Clarke looked at her, and she was still stabbing her vegetables. One particular jab even made Clarke wince, which pushed Lexa to look up. Her eyes were strained and hard.

"You know those are already dead right?" Clarke tried to crack a joke, but it didn't land well. Lexa sighed, and Clarke could see she was fighting the urge to roll her eyes. "Sorry, bad joke." Clarke offered, hoping to spark some conversation again and Lexa nodded.

"I'm in a foul mood. It's not your fault," Lexa stated hoping that Clarke wouldn't hold it against her.

"It's okay, Octavia's been sulking all week, I can take it." Clarke chuckled and this time, Lexa did roll her eyes. Octavia had spent all of one night with Lincoln, and Lincoln had already gotten this girl in a state. Why was Octavia even sulking? She barely knew her cousin.

"They barely know each other." Lexa bit back.

"Well, I guess it can happen," Clarke replied, but Lexa scoffed.

"Oh come on, they barely know each other. They're both probably being shallow." Clark frowned at what Lexa had said.

"I don't know about Lincoln, but Octavia doesn't exactly have feelings for just anyone. _Besides_ , even if it was that, what does it matter if they're both that way. She's a good person, Lexa." Clarke said determinedly. She knew Octavia, and she had their differences, but she wouldn't let Lexa speak that way. Lexa bit her lip and realized how judgmental she had sounded but felt too stubborn to say anything. Clarke shook her head and sighed. Then she got up and left without saying another word.

 _'I guess she couldn't take it after all. Big surprise there.'_ Lexa thought while she watched Clarke walk away. She returned her gaze to her food and frowned. Her mood was getting worse, and she wanted to groan and rub her face. This lunch was supposed to be a sanctuary, not a place where she would fight with Clarke. She knew this would happen.

Then about two minutes later she was presented with two pieces of brownies. She looked up and saw Clarke smiling down at her. "I thought you left." She muttered, but Clarke frowned, and then shook her head.

"No, I went to get you these grumpy pants." She said pointing at the two treats in front of her.

"They're both for me?" Lexa asked shyly, and Clarke had no problem given her resounding yes as a reply. Lexa smiled and truthfully felt relieved. She had expected Clarke to leave and be angry for her less than perfect behavior, but Clarke had stayed. She had overreacted in thinking Clarke would've left without a word over such a petty thing. She bit the inside of her cheek and then said, "I'm sorry for what I said about Octavia earlier. I didn't mean it. I'm just in the worst mood, I blew this really important exam, everything else seems trifling and annoying, and I know it's not, It's me being an ass- but I just-"

"It's fine." Clarke's voice was hoarse. "You sure you don't want to talk about it?" She asked but Lexa shook her head. She really didn't. So Clarke changed the subject dramatically. "Did you know Truman Capote had a security blanket, even as an adult?" Clarke asked and got Lexa's attention. She never really knew much about her favorite author, other than his basic biography. Lexa chuckled.

"No, I didn't actually," Lexa replied. Clarke gasped.

"Really? Well-" Clarke sounded smug.

"Whatever Griffin." Lexa had mirth twinkling in her eye. Clarke's attitude didn't slow down until Lexa finally asked, "You're going to keep gloating about this for a few days, aren't you?"

"It's not often I know more about something that is usually your area."

"Hmm, maybe we should have a quiz about each other's areas of expertise," Lexa suggested, not very seriously until she saw Clarke's reaction. "You're such a nerd."

"Takes one to know one," Clarke replied, and the both chuckled.

By the end of the lunch, Lexa's mood had actually elevated, much to her surprise. Then she realized she would be leaving in a few days, and such an easy mood shift would probably not be possible for the next two weeks.

Before Clarke could do her awkward wave she usually did, Lexa grabbed her arm and hugged her tightly. "I'll miss you," Lexa stated and felt Clarke's arms wrap around her. The blonde, at first, had felt slightly awkward when Lexa displayed such sudden affection, especially inside the lunch category, the very 'non-pause' category that was not supposed to be used to present affection. When she smelled Lexa's familiar scent, though, she wrapped her arms almost naturally around the brunette's waist. She wanted to fade into Lexa and not let go, but that wasn't possible. A thought occurred to her that she had forgiven Lexa, or more importantly that she trusted her to a certain amount, not completely. She didn't trust anyone completely, except perhaps Raven and Octavia. The thought wasn't as terrifying as she believed it was going to be, it was actually quite nice. It was warm and reassuring and she wasn't too sure when it had happened. 

"I'll miss you too," she said before it would be too late.

"I'll see you in two weeks?" Lexa offered, and Clarke did her best not to show her heavy heart. "We can Skype every week, same time as we would meet for lunch? If you want that is." Lexa stuttered. A mere movement had cause the moment to turn awkward.

"I want," Clarke said with a small voice. Lexa nodded. That's when they didn't know what to do. They had to go the same way, but they had already said goodbye, which caused the moment to become even more awkward. "Bye," Clarke said abruptly and almost ran out of the dining hall, all the way up to her room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so yeah I know I've started a new fic, but that doesn't mean I won't be updating this one, I promise. This one gets priority. Once a week, as I've said. The other fic is helping me with my general mood as it is much happier (and dragons is an unmistakably plus), and definitely helping with my writer's block. 
> 
> Anyways, the vote was Echo and Raven, and then the distance kind of dawned on me, same for Lincoln and Octavia so I'll have to figure something out :) 
> 
> See you next time folks!


	30. Chapter 30

With anticipation in her heart, Lexa waited for Anya to pick her up from the airport. It had only been a little over a week that she had seen her family, but the prospect of spending Easter with them was enough to make her heart feel lighter than it had in years. She felt home, not just in Indianapolis but on campus. She felt like the weight that had been bruising her shoulders for years was finally surrendering its position and dissipating.

Finally, she spotted her sister through the crowd. Anya, neutrally expressive as always, had a glint in her eyes that told Lexa she was happy to see her. It wasn't like it had had been at Christmas, where she discerned a faint sense of distrust in Anya's posture. Anya's guard had dispersed, and her attitude reminded Lexa of what once had been between them. Anya wasn't very expressive, but when Lexa hugged her she reciprocated with full force. Where before Lexa would've met a rigid body which tensed at her touch, now she found warm and welcoming flesh that held no skepticism, nor spite.

Her sister placed her hand on the small of Lexa's back and guided her to her car. Together, in silence, they drove home.

It was comfortable. Lexa almost found herself in a familiar rhythm next few days. As always she would do the dishes after her sister had cooked. They would watch the same talk shows together and discuss the guests with playful disdain. Emori didn't have a break at the same time as Lexa did, so most mornings Lexa took her to school, as she once took her to daycare. Her niece had a wonderful smile, untouched by bitterness, unlike most smiles Lexa had encountered growing up. The neighborhood, even in her absence, was thriving. Anya had done a great job keeping it the way Lexa had left it. Alongside Luna, Anya had been in charge of dealing with things after Lexa left, first mentally, then physically. Anya had understood. Her sister had kept it together for a few months after Costia had died, simply to finish what she had started, what Costia had wanted her to finish. But once Lexa had completed that task, she disheveled into a broken mess that was both unreachable and unaccountable for.

Easter fell particularly late this year, which meant Lexa was able to get a cheap enough ticket to join them by the time Anya had invited her. They had had a nice Easter dinner, followed by yet another Woods barbecue, this time even some Azgeda members had been invited. Anya was still wary of Ontari, but the girl kept herself in check that night. Nia had behaved as well, even though she had taunted Lexa with her eyes.

It was the Easter hunt today, and Emori had created a hunter's outfit with Luna's help. She always interpreted the hunt more seriously than other children did. It reminded Anya of Lexa when she was younger. The girl took everything so seriously, including herself, and Lexa hadn't been much different.

"So, troops. I think we need to have a strategy for when we go in today." Emori said as she had drawn a picture of the park where the Easter hunt would take place. She had asked everyone to sit in front of her little drawing board. She held a wooden spoon, with the spoon part in her hand, and the handle as a pointer.

" _Here_ , is where we start." She slammed the handle against the drawing. "The East is where we strike first." She ordered. She had just learned what North, South, East and West meant in school and she was using it at every possible moment. Lexa snorted but received a glare with a slightly pouted lip from the little girl in front of her. Next to her, Aden was listening very carefully to what his friend was saying. Not just Aden but Malik, and Fay, two kids from down the road who were common playmates.

The doorbell rang, and Anya looked over her shoulder. It was probably Nyko with his son, although Artigas was quite young, too young to go searching for eggs on his own, the boy could barely walk. Anya smiled and stood up, only to be scolded by Emori.

"Mommy, I haven't finished." She stomped her foot. Anya scowled at her daughter and simply said her name disapprovingly to which Emori answered with slight apprehension in her voice, "Okay, so 5-minute break, troops, until mommy comes back."

Anya nodded and answered the door where as she had expected, Nyko was standing with his son in his arms. "I hope you're ready for what Emori's got planned for us," Anya smirked.

Nyko chuckled and shook his head, then said to his son, "We're going to have a great time, right baby?" He rocked him slightly, and the little boy smiled shyly while drooling on his hand that he had tucked under his own chin. It was his first Easter hunt as he had been too little last year. He had just been a few weeks old at the time, and Nyko decided it would probably be too much for his newborn son.

"No Donna?" Anya asked wondering where Nyko's wife was. Lexa didn't know Donna. They had met right after she had left and their romance developed quite quickly and resulted in a shotgun wedding and the birth of Artigas. It had surprised most people, but the couple seemed to be so in love no one could contest their relationship.

"She's coming later. She's still working." He stated. His wife worked at the local supermarket as a manager and was having quite the troubling day with the wrong order of cheese. She was spending her morning calling her produce manager and hoping to solve this problem. Nyko had almost laughed at the minimal problem, still remembering what things used to be like. Even though his wife was not having a particularly good day, it was still nice to recognize they could have the luxury of even focusing on problems like that instead of constantly being at war with other gangs. Slowly but surely the government had started taking responsibility again after a few socially engaging groups had called attention to the progress that was happening.

"Ah, I see. You want to sit down, have some OJ?" Anya asked but before Nyko could answer Emori interrupted her.

She exclaimed, "Ah! Mommy is back! Okay, you can all come back, and maybe sit, and shush." She flailed her arms. And so most people, however slowly, sat back down in plastic chairs that Lexa was sure would crack under the weight of an adult. Emori looked at her mother hesitantly, "So, mommy, can I? Can I- can I-I," She stuttered.

"Yes, baby. Please, continue." Anya said. Sometimes, she wondered if she was too hard on her daughter, but she valued discipline. She wanted Emori to be respectful of others.

"Okay, so we _strike_ ," She yelled, "In the East!" Lexa smirked at Nyko, who sat on the ground in lotus position as he knew he would break the small stool Anya had offered him. Instead, he placed Artigas on the stool and observed as Emori marched from one side to the other, pointing at several crosses she had marked on her little map.

"We need to get under the slide as fast as possible, it's the most obvious, and there are eggs there every year. We need to strike the easiest places first, then continue the search as the babies won't know where the other eggs are." She said harshly.

Lexa widened her eyes and looked at Anya. Anya had tried to explain the concept of sharing to Emori, but the girl didn't see this as sharing. She didn't mind sharing once she had gathered the eggs, it was the bragging rights she was after.

* * *

 

"Ah, I'm so excited!" Raven squealed when the hunt almost started back in Boston. Both Octavia and Clarke had massive grins on their faces. Bellamy for once had joined them as well. They had all agreed, however, that they would leave the 'easy access eggs' to the younger kids as they had an unfair advantage.

The horn tooted, and they started walking casually as kids were running by their sides.

"Ha, suckers!" A boy yelled in their direction when he found his first eggs. Octavia wanted to say something back but was she really going to be provoked by a ten-year-old kid? She already had the reputation of being quick-tempered, she would not live that down.

Octavia crossed her arms and Raven chuckled. "O', he's just a kid." Raven wrapped an arm around Octavia's shoulders and squeezed lightly. "We'll get some eggs, don't worry."

"I didn't say anything." Octavia squealed, awkwardly letting her arms fall next to her body. She hated how Raven knew she was also a bad loser. She could still feel Raven's gaze.

"You didn't have to." Raven chuckled and saw Octavia almost scowl at her. "Okay, he was an ass. Feel better now that I'm the one cussing the kid out?" Raven asked.

"No," Octavia said unconvincingly but could already feel her mood lightening. She groaned, knowing Raven was right. "Ugh." Octavia voiced with some mirth in her voice. She pushed Raven away playfully and jogged towards Clarke. Clarke looked at her quizzically then looked back and saw a smirking Raven.

By now Bellamy had caught Raven's attention by pointing at some eggs hidden in a tree trunk, too high for any kid to reach. Raven grinned, innocently like a child, and clapped her hands. Bellamy tipped his toes to reach the eggs and handed them to the brunette.

"Hey, guys! Look!" She squealed. She then disappeared behind the tree in the hope to find more eggs hidden where kids would not find them.

Clarke shook her head and looked at Octavia, who was smiling endearingly. "She's so excited." Octavia murmured. Clarke hummed in response.

"That she is, every year," Clarke commented, then rested her head on Octavia's shoulder. "I'm happy we're doing this. I was sad when she decided to spend Easter on campus and not with either of us."

Octavia nodded but then shrugged her shoulders and wrapped an arm around Clarke, "It wasn't about us. I think she really enjoyed it." Octavia stated which made Clarke keep the smile she already had.

"Let's keep looking, huh?" Clarke voiced. They both followed the red path which trailed further into the greener part of the park.

* * *

 

"Auntie Lexa, you're with me." Emori ordered and put war paint on Lexa's cheeks. Lexa nodded and took Emori's hand, thinking that was the best course of action. Emori quickly frowned. "We're not going to go anywhere if you hold my hand. We need to be fast and sneaky." Lexa looked at Anya, who nodded. Lexa then, more determined than ever, gave Emori a curt nod.

The horn tooted, and Emori already had her back bowed and was creeping around, then she pulled at Lexa's sleeve, and ushered them behind a tree. Emori pressed her index finger to her mouth and looked around the tree.

"Okay, clear." She said then started running towards the slide, but when she reached it, the eggs were already gone.

"Blast!" She said with a strange accent. She must've gotten that from a movie or a cartoon Lexa thought. "They have bested us." She said determinedly. "We have to contact mommy- Major Mommy!" She corrected herself. She had handed out codenames and begged Anya to get her walkie talkies.

Lexa smiled and took out the walkie, "Anya?"

"No, you have to do it right!" Emori whined as she hung on Lexa's body.

Lexa cleared her throat, "Major Mommy, come in. Over." Soon after she heard Anya's voice through the walkie.

_"What's up Lex?"_

Emori clucked her tongue at her mother also not doing it right, she reached for the walkie and asked Lexa to give it to her. "Major Mommy, this is your general. You have to use the walkie talkie the right way. Over." Lexa could already see Anya sigh and concede.

 _"Yes, my general. What is the problem? Over."_ Anya asked.

"They are no eggs under the slide, we need to regroup, over."

 _"Okay, baby._ " Emori was about to protest, but the walkie cracked again, and Anya added, _"Over and out."_

* * *

 

So how many do we have?" Clarke asked when the hunt was almost over.

"About fifteen. I think we did pretty well." Octavia smiled, but Raven wasn't convinced. "Come on Rae. We need to leave most of the eggs for the kids." Raven pouted but nodded.

"I know." she gasped. "Why aren't there any hunts for adults?" She asked almost sounding defeated.

Octavia sat down next to her and offered, "I'll make my special hot chocolate with the eggs we'll get." For every egg, they found they could exchange it for a small chocolate egg. Raven nodded and leaned against Octavia.

"Can we watch Wynona Earp again?" Raven asked which made Octavia chuckle. They had re-watched the episodes at least three times. Raven was obsessed, and Octavia was not sure why.

"Yes, we can," Octavia stated. Raven nodded and then stood up, though her brace pinched. She hated to admit that shuffling, kneeling down or jumping up for longer than two hours, instead of simply walking, turned her leg sore.

She was too proud to limp, even if that would've eased the pain a little.

After they had exchanged the eggs, they all entered Bellamy's car and drove back to campus. Raven had fallen asleep in the car, and Clarke found Octavia's gaze switching from her phone to Raven. She frowned.

"What's up?" She asked in a hushed voice.

"Nothing, just texting with Lincoln," Octavia said as she shrugged her shoulders. Clarke should've asked why she kept looking at Raven. Was she texting Lincoln about Raven? Instead, she prepared herself to ask Octavia if he had mentioned Lexa.

She had skyped with Lexa once a few days ago, and they texted most days, but Lexa had made it clear that she was spending today with her family and wouldn't be texting her. Most days they would text during the afternoon, usually about some silly Tumblr post, or the latest Dance Moms episode. One day, they had even had a heated discussion about politics, they had disagreed, but surprisingly it hadn't ended in a fight. They had simply agreed to disagree and changed the subject. Clarke had been so nervous when she received a rant from Lexa, but soon enough it was followed by an apology and an explanation on how she was really passionate about the subject and she wasn't personally trying to attack Clarke. Clarke could sense the hesitancy and regret coming through Lexa's words and she had reassured her immediately, that they were allowed to disagree.

"What is he up to?" Clarke asked casually, trying to keep herself from immediately asking about Lexa. Octavia rolled her eyes playfully.

"Lexa had a great day with her family. Apparently, they got loads of eggs. They have a big family, lots of kids." Octavia stated.

"I know." Clarke nodded. Lexa had told her about her neighborhood during a late night phone call, on her first night in Indianapolis. She had told her about Emori, Aden, and some other kids Clarke couldn't remember the name of. It was a tight community and Lexa explained how she had to fight for the community to stay alive after the government hadn't done much to help them.

"We're here," Bellamy said after stopping the car abruptly, and Raven jumped.

"What? What? What's happening?" She uttered, her voice drowsy and disoriented. Everybody laughed the way Raven would always wake up, scattered and demanding what was happening.

Octavia shook her head and tried to help Raven out of the car, and said, "Before you start, I know your leg is hurting." Unfortunately, Raven didn't take it too well and looked at her accusingly.

"I can take care of _myself_." She hissed. This had always been a sore spot.

"Rae, I'm just trying to help." She whispered, but Raven never appreciated being coddled, even when she needed it. Never when it was about her leg.

"I _know_. Just leave it. I got it." Raven barked, and Octavia nodded, then stepped back. When Raven watched Octavia's eyes drop, her stomach sank. She regretted being so harsh with her friend. She then looked at Clarke, who was waiting for both of them at the entrance of their dorm house. "Sorry," Raven whispered. She bit her lip when she looked at Octavia, she then shrugged regretfully, and asked, "Can we go watch Wynona Earp now?" She was hopeful. Octavia smiled and followed her friend inside, alongside Clarke.

Only twenty minutes in and Raven fell asleep. Octavia chuckled and with Clarke's help tucked her in.

* * *

 

Lexa grimaced when she saw both Emori and Anya waving at her as she was walking towards security. The ten days she had spent with her family and flown by. A part of her wished she had had more time with them before term started again. She couldn't believe they were almost at the end of April. What the hell had happened to April?!

She passed the security and settled for an airport coffee as she waited for her flight. She looked at her phone when it buzzed and smiled when she saw Clarke's name on the screen.

 _'Have a safe flight! Steal some crackers for me._ ' It said, and Lexa laughed. How different her feelings were compared to the last time she was returning from Indianapolis to Boston. Her feelings for Clarke, once blemished by guilt and long-term nourished pain, were free to move, embrace and grow.

She had gone to Costia's grave once more the day before she was supposed to leave.

_She placed the both equally green and red apple on Costia's grave and smiled. The smile was less heavy and was not tainted by unshed tears. She did, however, swallow a lump, as she realized it would never really stop hurting, it would just start hurting less._

_"Hey, Cos.'" Her voice broke a little, so she breathed out. She did some breathing exercises. Angie had taught her and composed herself._

_"I know I said I could keep myself from moving on, and I would stay with you because I was scared and I just wanted you, but I think that was wrong for me to do. And I'm pretty sure you're up there saying 'Well duh, you nerd.'" Lexa chuckled._

_"Angie says I'm doing better, and I think I really am." She said still looking up at the sky. "I think- no I feel okay. I don't feel as scared." Lexa was nodding to herself as if to make sense of what she was saying as well. "I feel happy. I don't know if it's the kind of therapy I'm getting, it probably is, but it feels nice, less heavy. The therapy is pretty different from the one I got when I was in the group home." Lexa stated then laughed, "Maybe I just didn't like group therapy, and I jumped around too much, or I didn't raise the right issues. It was always a different issue at the time, it wasn't about moving on, it was about saying it wasn't my fault you died and how I felt about being where I was." Lexa stated._

_"I think I stopped listening at some point and just pretended I was fine so I could get out of there. I wanted to go to school. I needed to. I don't know if they would've allowed me to go- I don't know." Lexa felt herself trail off, so she quickly said, " Anyways, it's about being happy with how things are now, and who I am. It's not just about what I've been through, but it's about being okay to move on from it." Lexa stated, and she knew she wasn't making sense. She knew that the last six months of her therapy, she had kind of pretended, she had stated what her therapists wanted to hear so they would discharge her. That had been a mistake. She realized that now. She simply thought no one would be able to help her, but Angie had a different approach._

_"I think it's finally starting to make sense for me," Lexa smiled to herself. She felt proud of herself and slightly embarrassed that she was that proud. Costia would've scolded her for being embarrassed because she should be proud. She had made so much progress in little over four months._

_"I think, I'm starting to be ready. I still have a long way to go in terms of therapy and stuff, but I feel more okay. I have so much to work through, but I've really made progress!" Lexa exclaimed._

_"I got a tattoo." Lexa chuckled, "I know. After all the crap I gave you after you got one." She smirked. "But it really helps, it makes everything physical." Without a second thought, she took off her shirt. "I hope you like it. It hurt like a motherfucker, but it was a good kind of hurt if that makes sense." She said referring to the tattoo that ran down from her neck to her back. "Unless you've already peeked while I undress in my room, you little perv." Lexa laughed. Her laughter died down, and she put her shirt back on._

_She hesitated for a second but then eventually said, "I hope you know that I'll always love you, nothing changes that. Nothing will ever change how important you were and still are to me." Lexa added, then bit her lip, "But I feel good about how things are progressing, and it's weird," She chuckled to herself, "Now when people ask me, 'How are you?' I don't lie when I say I'm great. I_ am _great!" Lexa chirped as if she had just discovered that._

She had stayed by that grave for hours and talked. Then she had gone over to Echo's and talked some more. By the end of the day, she went to sleep with considerably less heaviness on her heart.

Lexa's attention snapped back to where she was when her flight was called. She got up and walked towards her gaze. She was excited to see Clarke again.

Clarke wanted to squeal when Lexa texted her she had arrived in her room and asked whether Clarke wanted to meet up or something. Clarke didn't bother to answer she simply made her way over to Lexa's room and knocked.

"Hey," Lexa said when she answered the door.

"Hey," Clarke said happily. For some reason, having that time apart gave them an excuse to talk to each other more on the phone and through texts. The medium made the awkwardness and heaviness that was between them lessen. Before Lexa had left Clarke was still an awkward mess, but now she felt more confident and trusted Lexa's word more than she had a month ago.

Clarke hesitated for a second but then wrapped her arms around Lexa's neck. Even though startled, Lexa's arms snaked swiftly around the blonde's waist. "I've missed you." Clarke murmured out loud. She hadn't meant to say that out loud, though. She was meant only to think it. Lexa felt the girl tense under her hands but held her grip on Clarke's waist.

"I missed you too." She admitted. She really did. She hadn't planned on telling Clarke that, but since Clarke had graced her with bravery, she felt need to reciprocate said bravery.

Clarke licked her lips nervously when she leaned out of the embrace and said, "How about some froyo?" Clarke offered. Lexa arched an eyebrow, and Clarke knew she was offering to eat something only one of them liked.

"They have Ben and Jerry's too. I'll have that. I know you've been dying to have it again. I've seen you share too many froyo posts on Facebook." Clarke stated. Lexa turned red. She had forgotten to put those on private. She offered a smile but was over thinking this. How many people had seen it? She instinctively reached for her phone but didn't want to show Clarke she wanted to either erase the posts or put them on private. "Go ahead," Clarke said knowing what Lexa wanted to do.

"I hate you," Lexa mumbled which amused Clarke to no end. She had been very tempted to comment on Lexa's post, but she wanted to savor this moment face to face. Lexa took out her phone and started deleting her posts. She would find them again later when she needed them. When she looked up, she caught Clarke staring at her.

"Ready?" She squeaked sounding self-conscious. Clarke nodded.

"After you," Clarke replied.

"Oh! Wait." Lexa stated and went back into her room. She then came back out and held two packets of crackers in her hand. "Your wish is my command," Lexa grinned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know why but I really enjoyed writing this chapter, I think I just like writing Emori haha. 
> 
> On a more personal note: For everyone who has experienced an increase of xenophobia and racism in the last 48 hours after the Brexit result because they are a non brit (like me) or a racial minority in Britain, I'm sending you my support. Together we stand strong. 
> 
> See you next time folks!


	31. Chapter 31

"So what we'll be doing in this class is making new instruments. Now, I know for some of you this might be a daunting task, but you can come to me at any time, it's the only class I'm teaching this term because I know how much guidance it requires. I have four assistants I want you guys to get acquainted with." Roan stated walking through the class and handing out the guidelines. On the paper the names of his assistants were written, one of them being Niylah's sister, Kari Grove. She was six years older than them and was a Ph.D. student.

Lexa had her chin resting on her hand while she looked outside. It was apparent she wasn't paying attention.

"Ready for tonight?" Niylah whispered in her ear, and Lexa jumped in her seat. She puffed when she looked at Niylah.

"Will you _not_ whisper like that." She requested. It was funny how Niylah inspired Lexa to be less composed. It reminded Lexa of how Anya used to push her buttons as well.

"Well, how would you have me whisper?" Niylah asked. Lexa widened her eyes with twinkling sarcasm.

"Well, not like that. I can still feel your breath tickle the inside of my ear." She said rubbing her right ear. Niylah smirked.

"What can I say, I tend to leave an impression." She winked which made Lexa snort. "So you haven't answered my question," Niylah stated the obvious and Lexa looked up while nodding.

"Yeah, ready as always. It'll be fun." She smiled. She was finally going to be able to use that playlist she had made.

"Hell yeah! 80s night." She squealed but then softened her tone when Roan narrowed his eyes at her.

"Let's just hope it doesn't get canceled this time. We're listening to Althea this time when she tells us something is inappropriate. You can't veto issues because you think are small." Lexa said sounding disapproving. Niylah looked downcast.

"I said I was sorry then," Niylah stated. "Who knew having 80s porn on the walls would get us canceled. You know this says a lot about our society? If you can't even put some soft porn on the walls to create a sense of t-" Niylah was babbling and didn't see Roan coming over. He then leaned over both of their heads.

"As much as would love to hear about your soft porn collection Miss Grove, I would like to get on with the introduction." Niylah sank further into her seat feeling slightly embarrassed. Her ears turned completely red. She bit her lip and nodded.

"Sorry," She muttered.

"This is important. We're already a week behind because we started a week later than everyone else. We have less time, girls. Please, pay attention." He said studying both Lexa and Niylah. Lexa hid her head in her hands.

* * *

 

Lexa was trying to run off, but Niylah grabbed her arm, "Hey wait!" She twirled the brunette back to her.

"What?" Lexa said already out of breath.

"Where are you skipping off to?" Niylah asked. She was smiling, and there was a teasing tone to her voice. It made Lexa breath out sharply.

"I'm going to keep the promise I made to Clarke last week, and watch Charmed with her." Lexa shifted from one leg to the other. She didn't sound excited, not about the Charmed part anyways. Last week after having lunch with Clarke it came up that Lexa had never watched one of Clarke's all-time favorite TV shows. Instantly she told the brunette they had to watch it together. She had kind of blurted it out, but Clarke had meant it and asked Lexa another time whether she wanted to. 

It would be the first time they would hang out for a long period of time since they had started talking again. A long period of time where they would be alone. Lexa wanted to, however. It reminded her of how she had spent Christmas day. Even though that time was plagued with pressuring negativity, it was a glimpse of lightness that she looked back on with fondness. A part of her was afraid it might blur the lines or create a pace that was too fast for them. Either way, she would find out how comfortable they both would feel after. If it turned out to be going too fast, they would talk about it. Clarke had suggested it, which meant she was okay with it and that alone was enough comfort for Lexa.

"Like that's hard." Niylah snorted, "I bet it must be _such_ a hassle to watch a great TV show-"

"Uhh, that might be contested," Lexa interrupted. Niylah clucked her tongue while she shook her head and lifted her index finger. 

"A great TV show with the girl who captured your heart," Niylah said dramatically and ended her sentence with her voice one tone higher. Lexa groaned. Ever since Niylah had caught her staring at Clarke with what she called 'heart eyes,' she had not given Lexa a rest.

What was worse was that Niylah was right. Bit by bit she could feel the wall she had put up become as moldable as wet clay. It was strange to feel the burden of her past diminish each day. Only last week she had caught herself staring at Clarke while the blonde had gotten distracted by too many items on the menu at Denny's. It was endearing, to say the least. Lexa hadn't felt that at ease in a long time.

Then there was the hip hop workshop she attended a few days ago. She caught her heart fluttering when Clarke demonstrated the dance. Then there was the guy she danced with who created jealous foam at the pit of her stomach. She had attended and tried to learn what they were teaching after Clarke had asked her to join. It didn't go well. She ended up staying on the side with her knees drawn to her chest, too embarrassed to participate. The worst of it was that Clarke had been so kind about it all.

_"Hey, are you okay?" Clarke asked while they all took a break._

_"This was a mistake. I should just stick to music." Lexa muttered feeling almost too humiliated to put things into words._

_"Nonsense, you're great at dancing. You always look good." Clarke stated, then added with much haste "When you dance I mean!" Then Clarke reevaluated her words and back paddled, "Not that_ don't _look good when you're not dancing. You look-" Clarke cleared her throat. "I'm going to stop now," Clarke said, and both of their cheeks reddened at the sudden admission._

_"Yeah, but that's free dancing. I don't know how to do most of those movements. They look wrong." Lexa looked down as she spoke. She sounded defeated, so Clarke sat next to her._

_"It's because you're a perfectionist. You're trying to mimic the movements perfectly instead of interpreting them." Clarke said, and she felt the tendency to brush Lexa's hair behind her ear. "It's still you that's dancing. Don't try to be anyone else. It will just look unnatural."_

_"Well natural 'me' looks awful Clarke." Lexa chuckled and looked up at the blonde. She wanted to smile. Gradually, she felt less distracted by the dread that had been there before. In fact, that dread had started to evaporate and become redundant._

"Yes, whatever you say," Lexa stated at Niylah who was still cross-examing her about Clarke and their dramatic love story that, according to Niylah, rivaled a Greek Tragedy, or maybe a Greek Comedy? It wasn't clear. 

Lexa puckered her lips and gazed at Niylah. She wasn't impressed.

"Anyways, what I wanted to say was don't forget, we have a cue to cue at seven," Niylah stated then ran off. She turned on her heels, however, and shouted, "Oh, and pass on the message to Raven. We need her for the bubble machine."

"You know, I am managing this one. I do know these things." Lexa informed Niylah, who merely shrugged. 

"Sorry, habit. Just don't forget!" She chuckled and ran off for good this time. 

"Yes, my Captain," Lexa muttered before texting Clarke to tell her she was on her way and asking whether she needed to pick up something for lunch.

* * *

 

She had knocked before she entered Clarke's dorm. "So I have spicy beef, chicken, shoyu-" When she saw Octavia she trailed off and stood frozen in her tracks.

"Hey." She said feeling uncomfortable. Clarke had told her to come in without waiting for her to invite her in. She couldn't see Clarke in the room.

"She's in the bathroom," Octavia explained, and Lexa nodded. They had called a ceasefire between them, although the 'fire' had mostly come from Octavia. After she had started speaking to Lincoln, she had grown to understand Lexa more. Her cousin had revealed things about their neighborhood, that not even Clarke knew about. Lincoln had even told her about Costia, even though he had regretted it the instant he had told her. He was only trying to explain his own experience and instead explained Lexa's.

Octavia opened her mouth, ready to say something, although she was not sure what, but was interrupted by a toilet being flushed. Clarke got out of the bathroom soon after and brightened when seeing Lexa standing in their doorway. She quickly washed her hands in the sink they shared.

"You want to stay for the marathon O'?" Clarke asked, clearly not wanting Octavia to stay. Octavia tightened her smile and shook her head.

"I'm going to go hang out with Raven. She's playing with a certain machine or something-" Octavia muttered, and Lexa turned on her heels.

"Oh! Octavia that reminds me, since you're going to go see Raven, can you remind her we have our cue to cue tonight at seven?" Lexa asked her, and Octavia nodded.

"Will do." She said taking her coat from the hanger. With that, she exited the room and left the two girls standing alone. The room was slightly messier on Clarke's side, but it was mostly due to drawings and paintings lying around.

"I see you've brought noodles?" Clarke smiled and helped Lexa with the bag that was filled with food. Their hands brushed, and Lexa cursed when she felt a surge of energy spike from her finger to the small of her back. 

"Ouch." Clarke said shaking her hand. "Damn girl, you're bringing all your energy with you, huh?" She said gracing her tone with playfulness when she referred to the static electricity that had sparked when their hands had touched.

"Well, I'm going to need it if I want to sit through this TV show." Lexa fired back.

"Hey. It is a _great_ piece of art that show, okay? It's up there, with the greats, with Buffy The Vampire Slayer." Clarke rambled, and Lexa creased her forehead.

"Buffy The Vampire Slayer?" She said not sounding convinced.

"Okay, maybe I won't go as far as to say-" Clarke considered her words but then changed her mind and decided to stick to her guns, "No, actually, I will go that far. It's up there." Clarke said narrowing her eyes determinedly as she filled their cups of noodles with water and put them in the microwave.

"Sorry, I just picked two randomly?" Clarke said after she had turned around and found Lexa watching her. Lexa shook her head and smiled to indicate she was fine with whatever. "Okay, so let's get my computer on Netflix huh?" Clarke smiled and sat down on her bed. She had positioned her computer on her nightstand so that they could watch the episodes as if it was on a TV screen. Though Clarke's laptop was on the smaller side, it was big enough to serve as a screen, given it was positioned close enough to them. She had even placed a few large Art History books to elevate the laptop to eye-level.

The microwave pinged and Lexa held out her hand, while telling Clarke she should remain where she was. She took out the noodles and prepared them but not before asking how Clarke liked them. She had picked up lemon juice in case Clarke liked it on her noodles like Lexa did.

When Lexa suggested the lemon juice, however, Clarke grimaced which told Lexa enough.

"It's really nice."

"So is chocolate, but I'm not sprinkling that on my noodles." Clarke fired back which made Lexa round her eyes. She hummed and sat down next to Clarke. She had made sure Clarke was alright with eating this on her bed. Lexa didn't make a habit out of spilling things, but still, this wasn't exactly risk-free.

"It's fine. I need to wash them by the end of the week anyways." Clarke waved her hand. The information made Lexa watch the sheets and pretend she was cringing. "Not that they're that dirty, Woods."

"Whatever you say, Griffin. Don't want to know what you do in these sheets." Lexa teased.

"Liar." Clarke blurted out, reciprocating the flirting tone but then felt a rush of heat creep onto her cheeks. Lexa hadn't contradicted her. "I mean-"

"Play the episode, Clarke," Lexa said hastily wanting to get away from the subject.

Only a few minutes in and Lexa started commenting, "I wish I could do that with my fingers." Then she retracted that statement before Clarke could make any jokes about what she had just said. Soon after Clarke was singing along with the theme song, which made Lexa grin.

"Don't laugh at me." Clarke shoved Lexa's shoulder. Lexa snorted and held her hand over her mouth.

"I'm not!" She squealed.

"Liar!" Clarke stated, and Lexa laughed. "I am not that bad." In truth, Lexa wasn't laughing at the quality of Clarke's voice. She was laughing at the conviction with which Clarke had sung the song.

"You're right. You're as good at singing as I am at dancing hip hop." Clarke gaped at her and made an unrecognizable sound that most likely intended to portray indignity. She then paused the episode so she could study Lexa. In turn, Lexa held Clarke's gaze, as if they were competing on who would flinch first. 

When Clarke bit her lip, looking down guiltily, Lexa exclaimed, "I knew it! I knew you were lying when you said I looked good doing those movements." Lexa held a wide smile. She pointed at Clarke and sat up a bit.

"I-We- You did!" Clarke squeaked. Lexa scoffed playfully.

"So why are you so offended?" She asked, and Clarke was lost for words. She had dug herself this grave.

"I-" Clarke squawked then huffed, not knowing what to say. "Lexa!" She whined which made Lexa chuckle and squeeze Clarke's forearm.

"If it's any consolation, you're actually not that bad. I just wanted you to admit it, however, sweet your lie was." She smirked then hit the space bar so the episode would continue.

It only took two more episodes for Lexa to be engulfed by it. She kept shushing Clarke when the blonde would make comments, which made Clarke smirk. She even gripped Clarke's hand when she saw any Andy/Prue moments.

"I ship them so hard." she had muttered which made Clarke laugh hard but also pity her a little for what was to come.

"Is he ever going to find out?" Lexa asked, and Clarke shrugged.

"Do you want to be spoiled?" Clarke asked already knowing the answer.

"No." Lexa pouted. Then Lexa saw the clock on Clarke's computer and widened her eyes. It was 7h20pm. She jumped up and startled Clarke. "Shit." She cursed. "I have to go, Clarke," Lexa said hastily and got up, leaving Clarke slightly disappointed. She looked over her shoulder and softened her features. "Sorry, I'm supposed to have a cue to cue right now, I lost track of time." Lexa looked small somehow. Clarke stood up and told her it was fine.

"I'll see you around ten?" Clarke asked, and Lexa nodded.

"Yeah, oh! Uhm, actually, could you come at 9h45? We're taking a break from DJing and doing some live performances. Niylah is calling it 30 minutes of the nostalgia" She stated and silently asked Clarke if she could come and watch her. Clarke's knitted her brows together.

"Isn't it 80s night already nostalgic?" Clarke questioned.

"Yes, but Niylah wants to do a half an hour of live 70s hits, she thinks herself ironic in that way," Lexa explained, not being able to keep herself from rolling her eyes. Clarke laughed at the absurdity of it all.

"Alright. Sure, will do." Clarke stated.

* * *

 

"Alright, how are ya'll doing tonight?" Althea greeted the crowd as it cheered. "We're going to take a small break from our 80s night and travel back about ten years, and have a 70s session if that's alright with you?" She sounded excited.

"First up is Murphy and the guys with Love will keep us together," Althea smirked at Murphy as he got on stage. She gave him the once-over as he watched her step off the stage. She sheepishly came back to collect her microphone which he already had in hand.

"So helpful, isn't he?" She said teasingly. "And it appears to be an army of ukuleles up here." She added.

"Why don't you let us play A?" Murphy dangled his upper body over her, which she only seemed to enjoy more. She skittered off the stage with rosy cheeks.

A brief one, two, three was heard before they started playing. Raven squealed when she heard the intro and immediately started twirling Octavia around while singing along with the lyrics.

"Raven-" Octavia interrupted her, but it was no use.

"Just stop!" She sang, "Cause I really love you." She exaggerated her movements and Octavia started giggling. Clarke had looked around to see if she could spot Lexa but it seemed the girl had disappeared backstage, so instead she joined the dance Raven had initiated.

Lexa was looking for Niylah to see if she was ready. She would perform after her friend, but she was also in charge of the night running smoothly. That's when she heard it, a ghastly sound coming from where the bubble machine stood.

"Niylah?" Lexa voiced when she saw the blonde toppled over a blue bucket. She was vomiting her guts out. How was she already drunk? She had only been here for two- okay yeah, so there was a logical reason how she could already be drunk, but she knew she had to perform.

"I can't perform," Niylah muttered after spitting into the bucket.

"What do you mean? Niylah you're up after this." Lexa hissed, but Niylah looked up at her. She had tears in her eyes which made Lexa regret her harsh tone.

"I'm sorry." She whimpered and started throwing up again.

"Are you drunk?" She questioned, holding her hair back as she watched Atohl hurry towards them after he had seen Niylah straddling the floor.

Niylah shook her head, which worried Lexa, but soon enough Niylah explained, "I think the flu is going around. My lab partner has it, and we hung out yesterday-" She started emptying her guts once more.

"Okay, we need to get you home then," Lexa said and looked at Atohl.

"Wait!" Niylah said with a feeble voice. "What about the song?" She questioned, and Lexa sighed.

"We'll skip it." She answered, but Niylah whined. She had put so much effort into making her own version of the song. Lexa had actually helped with said version. The brunette gave her a pitiful look. "Sweetie-"

"You could do it?" She hoped. Lexa sighed but conceded when she saw Niylah pleading eyes. How would she possibly say no? It would also allow the schedule to stay the way it was. "Okay." She said looking at Niylah. Then she redirected her gaze at Atohl, who would be performing the song with her. "We need someone to take her home."

"I'll ask Althea," He stated and disappeared behind the curtains, to the side of the makeshift stage. He beckoned his friend to come towards him.

"What is it?" Althea asked and without saying a word he took her backstage and showed her Niylah. Her first assumption had also been that she had been drunk, but after she had heard she was genuinely ill, she nodded understandingly and rubbed Niylah's back. Then, she hurried to get her home. She was up last, so she still had time to get Niylah to her dorm and return in time.

Soon enough, Murphy's song ended, and Lexa was up. She was nervous. She hadn't actually practiced the song in a while, and the song itself meant a great deal to her. Every day, in fact, the song meant more to her, because it's meaning became reality.

"Hi, guys. So next up is me actually." Lexa said mockingly, and the crowd laughed. "Althea had an errand to run. So we'll just set up real quick and perform Landslide for you all." She smiled widely and caught Clarke's eye, which only pushed her nerves further to the surface.

Atohl sat next to her and nodded. He was ready. She took one deep breath and reciprocated the gesture. And so they began playing.

"I took my love, and I took it down." Good thing Atohl was singing first, she needed some time to collect her wits. Clarke kept looking at her with so much encouragement, that she almost missed her cue.

"Oh mirror in the sky, what is love?" Her voice sounded shaky in the microphone. Her breath was a bit erratic so she searched for Atohl's eyes and his bobbing face gave her some comfort. His auburn colored afro bouncing with the rhythm allowed her to find her footing.

"Can I sail through the changing ocean's tides, can I handle the seasons of my life?" She smiled, and he returned the gesture. Soon after, she looked at the crowd who had turned completely silent. She found Octavia, Raven and then Clarke. The blonde was leaning up against Raven's shoulder as she listened.

Next, they both started harmonizing and everything fell into place.

"Well, I've been afraid of changing," They sang and Lexa meant every word. "Cause I built my life around you."  Her voice cracked but only gave more conviction and meaning to the song. "But time makes you bolder, children get older, and I'm getting older too." She looked at Clarke and managed to give her tearful grin. Her eyes swelled with tears, but she kept singing. The crowd was impressed by the vulnerability Lexa was conveying.

Lexa sniffed, then looked down and played the interlude on the electric guitar she had in hand. After that, they continued singing the same chorus as they had before.

The song ended with, "Where the landslide will bring you down." They sang together in the same tone as they looked at each other, both understanding what they had sung. It was quiet for a moment, but then Raven whistled and initiated the long waited applause.

Lexa breathed in trembling air and leaped off the stage. Clarke drew her brows together when she watched the brunette, who had been so captivating before, now looking so frightened.

"Damn," Raven whispered in her ear, which made Clarke turn her face towards her friend, "She said it, right there."

"Yeah." Clarke breathed. "I think, I might-" She said pointing at the curtains that lead to the back of the stage. "Then again, I might not be allowed,"

"Nonsense," Raven objected. She gave Clarke her Tech pass just in case, but this wasn't Tomorrowland. This was hardly anything, why wouldn't they let her through.

Raven had been right, without much effort Clarke peeked through. She carefully tiptoed behind the curtains and tried to spot her brunette. Hers? Clarke had to catch herself from getting too attached, too blurred with Lexa because that had gotten her in trouble last time. They were friends, that's what they had decided, and that was okay for now.

Finally, she noticed Lexa's intricate hair from behind as she was putting her bass in its case. She walked over but then saw Lexa slide down the floor with a long, exasperating sigh.

"Hey," She said shyly, and Lexa jumped up, already having recognized Clarke's shoes.

"Hey!" She peeped. She then licked her lips and tried to slow not only her heartbeat but her breathing.

"That was really-" Clarke didn't know what to say. Amazing? Beautiful? Genuine? She slid down next to Lexa and smiled. Then she noticed some dry tear tracks on Lexa's cheek. "Have you been crying?" She asked.

Lexa considered lying to Clarke and say she was fine, but she wanted to be honest. They had gone too long without it.

"Yeah," She whispered. She then shrugged and explained, "It just," She paused, "Means a lot to me, the song, I mean." She continued. Clarke dragged up her lips to one side and squeezed Lexa's knee. 

"Yeah, I could tell. Are you okay, though?" Clarke asked, the brunette nodded and then rested her head against the bricks behind her. She felt the urge to place her head onto Clarke's warm shoulder. She was tempted, but she kept herself from putting them into that position. It would have been too precarious to do so. 

"I will be, I just need to distract myself. I kind of went to the sad, scary place." She revealed. Clarke wanted to ask her more about it, but Lexa had already told her without too many words that she wanted to divert from the subject. 

"I could distract you." Clarke offered which made Lexa laugh.

"Oh yeah? How?" She challenged and already could she feel the heaviness disappearing from her heart. It wasn't a density she was used to. It felt healthy like something meant a great deal to her. It didn't push her down. Instead, it pushed her up. Nevertheless, she was grateful when it dissipated.

"I've got my ways." Clarke joked not entirely sure how she would distract Lexa. By the time she would come up with something the song that was echoing through the space now, The Pina Colada song, would probably already have ended.

"I know," Lexa murmured, trying to keep her smile from growing.

Clarke had been right, by the time she _had_ come up with something to distract Lexa, the brunette had to be on stage again.

"I'll see you in a bit?" She offered as she took her bass back out. Clarke nodded and waved awkwardly as she watched Lexa go on stage. She then huddled over to her friends and listened to the rest of the tracks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed it. If you want the playlist for the 70s interlude: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LSwT-K_ARXA&list=PLSDLt9bWjUrOa4mzIjWkbhj413Q4OcgEK  
> I also made an 80s list, idk if anyone wants it. I thought I was going to need it but I kind of skipped that part cause it didn't add to anything. 
> 
> Also on a personal note, I'm not sure when the next update will be. I'm having some issues with my health so I need to take care of myself. That being said, I'm not putting this story on hiatus, for all you know, there will be an update soon, but idk if I can keep a schedule anymore. I'm sorry :/


	32. Chapter 32

"Sunscreen, check. Sunglasses, check. Towels and washcloths, check." Clarke was mumbling to herself as she was checking off her checklist for their weekend away. The heat wave that had hit New York had descended and shifted over their area over a week ago. Octavia, assertive as she was, had suggested going somewhere for a weekend. The problem was they didn't have any money nor did they have an idea of where they would go.

After another movie night with Lexa, Clarke babbled about it to her, and Lexa had admitted she and Niylah had been thinking about it too. Lexa had talked to Niylah, who became somewhat excited when her friend mentioned Clarke and a trip in the same sentence. It wasn't a secret the two were getting moderately 'comfortable' with each other once more. Soon enough, she had both Raven and Octavia convinced, as well as Monty and Miller. Jasper opted out, feeling too uncomfortable, but Bellamy grew excited to take his car on a road trip -even though it would only be three hours- and joined them as well.

Niylah's family had a small cabin on Nantucket Island, so to save money they had decided to go there. It was still the beach after all.

"Ready?" Octavia came in.

"Yes, just checking everything," Clarke smiled and popped her sunflower glasses on.

"Those are truly ridiculous my friend." Octavia chuckled when Clarke turned around with a proud expression.

"Pshhh, you'll be begging to wear these babies in a few days." Clarke challenged, but Octavia did not seem to be impressed or convinced. At that moment, Raven barged in as well but grew calm when she noticed Octavia watching her out of the corner of her eye as the girl was packing as well. They had been acting strange for weeks. It had started out small at the Easter egg hunt and then grew substantially. It had significantly changed after she came back from Lexa's one night and interrupted the pair. They were obviously having a difficult conversation, but Raven had bolted before Clarke could even question what was happening. She had tried to speak to Octavia that night, but the brunette assured her everything was fine. Clarke had been confused, Raven had told her only a few nights prior, that she would be going on a date with a girl from set design. She seemed optimistic at the time, but when she had asked her about it, Raven, who generally won't shut up about her dates, simply said they hadn't clicked and had left it at that.

Clarke felt out of the loop, but she also felt as if she had no right to demand what was happening. She had not so long ago been in a situation where she could not speak to either Octavia or Raven, and she imagined what was going on had a similar weight to it.

"Hey," Raven chirped and walked over to Clarke's side. Clarke then saw Raven take a deep breath. She knitted her brows together thinking Raven looked in pain.

"Are you okay?" She asked immediately wondering if it was her leg bothering her. Raven grimaced more than she smiled and Clarke quickly asked her to sit down. "We still have a half an hour to go," Clarke stated and silently asked whether Raven wanted to take her brace off. Octavia from her side allowed herself to turn around completely. Her eyes looked troubled as she walked over.

"I'm fine, O." Raven said immediately and smiled. Clarke looked between the two, and although it wasn't tense, something was definitely up. "Will you two relax," Raven spoke louder and laughed. "I'm fine, see." She got up and put weight on her leg then spread her arms.

"This weekend is going to _super._  I've already made a _super_ playlist with Lexa's help. She gave me some of her mixes."  Raven said changing the subject, "I have to say, your girl can spin." Raven gushed which made Clarke glow.

"She's not my girl, Raven," Clarke muttered.

"You're telling me all those afternoons/nights you've been spending together are actually Netflix and just innocent chill?" Raven asked skeptically which made Clarke widen her eyes.

"Yes, we've been binge-watching Charmed."

" _And_ going to Denny's on Sundays _and_ Froyo on Thursdays, not to mention your infinite chat history." Octavia chimed in.

"I do lots of things with lots of people." Clarke sulked and crossed her arms as she petulantly sat down.

"Well, they sound like boring ass dates to me. Still counts, though." Raven smirked, and Clarke's eyes rounded as she didn't know what to say.

"They're not!" She stuttered, her voice doubling in pitch. Octavia chuckled from her side of the room as she packed her last pair of socks.

"You have to admit Clarke, they do sound like dates, even if you're not calling them that," Octavia stated, and Raven cheered.

"Yes, back me up." Raven snickered, and Clarke rolled her eyes.

"Well, if that were true, I would be dating both of you," Clarke muttered, and Raven quirked an eyebrow.

"Well, we're married. That's a different story." She laughed but her laugh grew silent, and again Clarke witnessed an odd exchange between Raven and Octavia. Before she could question any of it, Raven asked, again redirecting the conversation to Clarke, "Would it be so bad if they were dates?"

Clarke sat down next to Raven and sighed, "I don't know. I don't want to push her. Things have been really nice between us." Clarke stated.

"Would you be okay with it, though?" Raven inquired again, and Clarke shrugged.

"Maybe," Clarke shut her eyes and breathed in deeply, "I can't let my mind go there, or I feel like I'm spinning out of control and setting myself up to be hurt again. I'm okay with being her friend." Clarke said not sure if she was convincing herself or them, or both. Octavia snorted.

"Really?" Octavia questioned, but Clarke was having none of it.

"Can we just finish packing and ignore this subject for the weekend. I know you are going to be sending me looks and what not whenever you see me interacting with Lexa, but please guys, just-" Clarke was begging them. She really didn't want to be teased or feel like she was being studied under a microscope.

They both promised to try, which was enough for Clarke. She knew she wouldn't be able to get rid of the teasing or the playful banter about the subject entirely. That would be asking them to erase their interaction and personalities, but they would try to tone it down, which brought some relief to Clarke's mind.

Raven yawned, "I'm so happy Lexa is driving. I don't think I could at this hour." She said looking at the clock. It was 3 am. They had their ferry at 8 am, so they had to drive ahead.

* * *

 

Clarke was struggling with placing the big rack of beer bottles Bellamy had bought in the car. It almost fell if it hadn't been for Lexa coming up from behind her and pushing the rack up. Clarke hated that she needed to ignore the feeling that had bubbled from where Lexa front had touched her back. She looked back and smiled thankfully. She glanced at those big pools of green and told herself she didn't _want_ to ignore it. It made her feel blue, though, because it felt like she had feelings for someone that would probably reject her again. She knew the reasons Lexa had had were valid. It didn't keep from feeling disappointed, though.

"You okay?" Lexa asked, and Clarke couldn't find the courage to be completely truthful with her. She wouldn't lie either.

She answered, "Eh, okayish." which made Lexa draw her brows together and place a hand on Clarke's bicep.

"You want to talk about it?" She asked, but Clarke shook her head and smiled. She wanted to reach out and squeeze Lexa's hand, but she would not allow the lines to get this blurred again without knowing exactly where things were going, or she would inherently risk creating expectations she wasn't allowed to have. 

"Okay. You want to be my travel buddy, though?" Lexa asked. She was the first one up to drive. Clarke nodded kindly and took the front seat, much to Bellamy's dismay. He had wanted to fiddle with the radio. He sulked in the backseat for the next hour until Octavia convinced him to play Bop-it with her. Miller had brought it, and they had all been excited due to the nostalgia they shared around the object.

Soon enough, though, everyone was falling asleep. All, but Lexa obviously. She hummed along the radio, which she had turned down to keep it from waking the others. A particular bright traffic light in combination with a loud car honk, however, had woken Clarke with a startle.

"It's okay," Lexa whispered when she saw Clarke jump in her seat. Clarke sighed and settled her head back onto the seat, only now she turned on her side while stretching her seatbelt, to look at Lexa. She remembered Lexa telling her all about the comb jellies, which shined brightly. She had been so excited that the memory alone made Clarke smile absent-mindedly. Clarke couldn't help her eyelids from drooping as she watched Lexa's profile tentatively. She watched as her chin lightly bobbed to the music, and how her lips quirked up almost unnoticeably, how she mouthed some of the words and tapped her slender fingers against the wheel. She hadn't meant to stare, even if she had put herself in such a position in which she could only do that. She had still been groggy when she had slid on her side, and now she couldn't find the strength to look away.

"What is it?" Lexa whispered loudly when she looked at Clarke, thinking the blonde was in some kind of distress. She remembered that Clarke had admitted not being completely okay before and pondered whether Clarke wanted to talk about it, now that everyone else was asleep. Clarke, still in a daze, blinked a few seconds too late because Lexa's eyes were jumping between the road and her.

"Sorry," She said sheepishly. She cursed herself mentally. She could not be any more obvious, could she? "You- I got distracted," She added carelessly. It hadn't been a lie, though. Clarke widened her eyes when she watched Lexa simper shyly. Her cheeks had started reddening.

"I mean-" Clarke stuttered, but Lexa chuckled.

"I didn't know I could distract you so easily." Lexa flirted and surprised Clarke. The blonde sat up and didn't know how to answer. It hadn't been the first time Lexa had a flirty tone to her words, but it _had_ been the first time Lexa had blatantly flirted so openly with her. It had been the first time since before Christmas, that was.

"No- I-" Clarke swallowed her words, not knowing what to do with herself. Then a few minutes later, Lexa pulled up at a gas station, as they hadn't left with a full tank, and looked at Clarke regretfully.

Lexa breathed out, and the silence in the car amplified the sound of her breath as she pulled the key out of the ignition. "Did I step over a line again?" She asked Clarke, who gulped. Clarke shrugged, hoping to convey nonchalance.

"I-" She bit her lip, "No." Clarke murmured, but then asked in a moment of vulnerability, "Did you mean it?" Clarke's tone was so low that it made Lexa hold her gaze longer.

"I did," Lexa answered and smiled. She had meant it. She had been 'meaning' it for at least a week, if not more. She had talked to Angie about it all after she had been so happy about spending time with Clarke without any pressure of feeling a certain way or the possibility of a relationship. Angie had told her that perhaps by dealing with the things that were affecting her, like her past and her mental health issues, she had managed to lighten the weight and open a door she, till then, did not think was possible to open.  Lexa thought she would've felt rushed or anxious, but she didn't. After confronting herself with so many issues and working through them, she felt okay. She felt ready.

She knew it was a flip moment but wasn't that how it always went for her? Something wasn't there until it was. She didn't experience build-ups like other people did. She experienced each step as something on its own, not something that was part of a greater design. Something always flipped for her, from one thing to another. It was not a slow filling cup, but an empty cup in one frame and then a filled cup in another, like a montage. Or perhaps she didn't experience the filling as other people did? She decided not to linger too much on how she had gotten there. The important thing was that she had. Of course, that didn't erase the issues they had between them or that she wanted all kinds of things immediately, but she was ready for something, whatever that would be.

Clarke was breathing in clumsily and smiled. She wanted to say something, but before she could, Raven woke up with a loud squeal which consequently woke everyone else from their slumber. The whole group collectively groaned at the Latina, who was clapping her hands together as she got out of the car and strode to the gas station's store. Clarke sighed but giggled a little when she saw how excited her friend was. She had most likely woken up hungry.

* * *

 

"No, no, no, no-" Monty yammered as he held his stomach while Miller was rubbing his back.

"It's okay baby; it won't be long now." Miller kissed Monty's temple, but the boy was going to be sick again. He ran from the deck, on which he had stepped thinking it would help him with the seasickness. Miller ran after him with worry in his eyes.

"Poor Monty," Octavia spoke. Niylah giggled, however. "Dude, it's not funny," Octavia said seriously, but Niylah shook her head.

"But it kind of is." Niylah laughed. "We're almost there. I can't believe Bellamy managed to take all that beer from his car with him." Niylah exclaimed, and Octavia started laughing too. Bellamy, trying to carry it all, had been an entertaining sight. They had told him they could do without it, that it wasn't worth the hassle, but Bellamy had insisted. And so he was the one carrying it.

"That my friend is true," Octavia smirked. Then she started seeing land emerge in the distance and smiled widely. "There it is!" She blurted and then sheepishly asked, "Right?" She looked at Niylah, who was nodding. Niylah came here every summer with her parents, and she loved it.

"Yes, there it is." She stated fondly. She watched as everyone stretched out on the deck, except for Monty and Miller of course, and watched as the boat closed the distance and they finally docked. Niylah beamed as she stepped foot on the familiar ground and then told the rest to follow her. They had a taxi waiting as it was a good twenty-minute walk to her cabin from the port, and Bellamy wouldn't make it with all his beer. Thankfully, the taxi wasn't that expensive.

They arrived, and Niylah quickly unlocked her front door. She had called their annual housekeeper a few days before and asked if she could do the place over like she did, right before her parents would vacation. So when they entered the place, the three bedrooms had fresh linen, and it had been given a good sweep.

"Wow, damn your parents must be-" Raven stopped midsentence because really was her family any different?  "Dibs on the room with a view!" Raven shouted as she went to place her stuff in said room. Octavia followed her chuckling but then stopped in her tracks. She looked behind her and saw Clarke studying her which motivated her to do just as she was about to do and follow Raven into the room she would most likely be sharing with her.

"Two of us will have to sleep on the couch, and it ain't gonna be me," Niylah said heading to her own room. Lexa smiled and wanted to follow Niylah, but she didn't mind sleeping on the couch. "Are you coming, Lexa? Cause I'm pretty sure, Monty and Miller have taken the second bedroom, and it's either you, Clarke or Bellamy. I vote you." Niylah joked.

Lexa looked around and saw that Clarke was out on the patio. Bellamy, on the other hand, was in the kitchen, stocking the fridge with food and drinks, and obviously didn't mind where he would be sleeping.

Lexa knew the issues Clarke and Bellamy had, had long been dealt with, but the thought of leaving her alone to share a pullout couch with him didn't sit well with her. She clenched her jaw but sighed feeling defeated. She shuffled into Niylah's room and placed her bag on the queen-sized bed.

"What's wrong?" Niylah asked after Lexa had sat down and obviously looked conflicted. Lexa shrugged, but Niylah didn't concede and probed Lexa with another question, "What is it, Lex?" She sat down next to Lexa and saw the brunette looking over her shoulder in the direction of the living room.

"I just- " she felt embarrassed. Her shoulder sagged guiltily which brought Niylah's brows together. Niylah peeked out from her bedroom door and was reminded that the only two people who were left, were Clarke and Bellamy. She quirked an eyebrow at her friend and chuckled.

"I see." She said, then placed a hand on Lexa's shoulder, "I doubt you have anything to worry about." She stated confidently.

"It's not- I'm not jealous, just worried. I don't want Bellamy to- ugh," She sounded jealous she knew that, and perhaps deep down she could admit to herself that she actually was.

"Uhuh," Niylah smirked, then she turned around and opened what looked like a closet. She took out her surfboard.

"You surf?" Lexa asked, her eyes rounding at the idea. Niylah grinned from side to side.

"Hell yes, since I was a little girl. I even won competitions," She trailed off, "In fact, it was either this or professionally surfing, but I blew out my knee." She said sadly, then shrugged and grabbed her surfboard. She stopped in her tracks and turned around, "Do you want to learn?" She asked Lexa and Lexa giggled.

"Uhh- I guess," Lexa said hesitantly, thinking the idea was amusing enough to try.

"Get changed then," She stated, then shouted at everyone else, "People that want to go to the beach to swim/sunbathe or learn to surf, we're leaving in fifteen minutes."

Soon enough Lexa heard Octavia squealing and stumbling over what could only be the rug in her room. Clarke came over and peeked her head through the door.

"Are you going?" She asked Lexa who nodded. "Cool," She didn't really know what else to say. She felt flustered when she admitted to herself that the only motivation she had of going with them was the fact that Lexa was.  Clarke wasn't a beach type of person. She didn't like the sand.

"Clarke?" Clarke was looking at the floor, seemingly deep in thought. At the sound of her name, though, she snapped her neck up and looked at Lexa. "I kind of need to change." Lexa revealed. Blood rushed to Clarke's ears, and she stuttered while closing the door behind her. She groaned, hoping no one else had seen that.

* * *

 

Before they headed over to the beach, Niylah had taken them to her garage where she kept old boards. They were all beginners except for Bellamy, who didn't even want to come, so she brought two, one that used to belong to her, and one that belonged to her sibling. Once at the beach, she waxed them. That's when the lesson started.

Without any warning, Niylah pushed Octavia, who then squealed.

"Hey!" She said looking behind her with an angry scowl on her face. Niylah smirked while she looked at Octavia's feet.

"Great, you're a goofy," Niylah replied. Octavia widened her eyes.

"I'm a what now?" She puffed her chest. Octavia did not like being insulted, especially without provocation.

"Octavia, relax. She's talking about your stance." Clarke retorted while rolling her eyes. Lexa arched an eyebrow which made Clarke shrug, "I used to be really into skateboarding." She admitted. The new information lightened a spark in Lexa's eyes.

"Really?" She asked and before she knew it, she too was pushed from behind as Niylah had taken advantage of Lexa being sidetracked by the unexpected revelation.

"You're a regular," Niylah noted. Lexa felt embarrassed someone had been able to destabilize her so easily, but on the other hand had indicated how off guard Lexa allowed herself to be in this group, which was a statement of trust.

About an hour later both Octavia and Lexa were in the water with Niylah, while Clarke and Raven stayed on the beach. Miller and Monty had gone for a walk, or so they had said.

They had started off with simply riding the wave, chest flat on the board, then sitting, and now they were attempting at standing up. Obviously, things weren't going smoothly. It was their first time after all.

"Lexa, don't stick your butt out so much!" Niylah yelled after Lexa stood up for a second. She got knocked off her board and came up coughing up water.

"I mean you don't have to show off, we all know you have a great ass," Niylah smirked which sent Octavia into a cackling fit. Lexa slapped Niylah's thigh when she noticed Raven and Clarke were also laughing.

"I hate you." She husked, her voice still recovering from the water in her lungs.

"Try again, my love." Niylah squeezed Lexa's wet cheek as the brunette was resting her chin on Niylah's board. She huffed and looked at Octavia.

"You go, I need a rest." She said as she climbed on her board and sat down, each leg dangling on either side.

Octavia almost took that as a challenge and started paddling when she saw a new wave rolling in.

"Octavia-" Niylah already saw the girl standing way too far back and as Niylah expected Octavia fell backward into the curling wave. They even saw her board bounce out of the water. Niylah winced. That must've hurt. Octavia, however, swam towards them, seemingly unfazed by it all, even though she was breathing heavily.

"Let's try again." Niylah piped, and they both groaned.

About half an hour later, Raven and Clarke had started making a sand castle. By now Monty and Miller had returned. They laid in each other's arms as they sunbathed, while they allowed the others to whistle at them or throw teasing remarks.

Raven was taking the sandcastle building extremely seriously and was even fighting with Clarke about proportions.

"That would never hold a copula, and you know it!" Raven chastised.

"Rae, it's a sandcastle."

"Your point?" Raven challenged which made Clarke groan.

"Fine, I'll keep busy with the arrow slits," Clarke muttered.

"Clarke, this is a sandcastle, no one is living in there. There won't be anyone to shoot the arrows." Raven commented, and the irony did not go unnoticed.

"You know what? How about we have a competition. You make a castle, and I make a castle and then our friends can decide which one they like better." Clarke said exasperatedly.

"Sounds fine to me," Raven smirked. Little did she know that Raven had only been teasing her, but seeing Clarke this worked up was worth it. And Raven enjoyed some friendly competition as well.

Clarke started digging to find wet sand to work with and noticed Raven stomping out the castle they had made together.

They both formed beautiful conceptions, though Clarke's was more detailed and Raven was sleeker. As they had been digging, they had both stopped each time either Octavia or Lexa managed to stand up straight. Clarke nearly forfeited as the only thing she wanted to do was watch Lexa, and cheer her on, but after a teasing remark from Raven she found new motivation to -as she had said- 'destroy' the brunette.

By the time they were both almost done, which at this point was hours later, the tide had started changing. Niylah had concluded it was almost dinner time, and they should head back. The three stepped out of the water and were drying off. They were preparing on 'judging' the castles and then heading back to the cabin. Bellamy had insisted he would be preparing the food today.

The tide rose so quickly it took Raven and Clarke by surprise when it washed over the sand.

"No!" Clarke whimpered helplessly when she saw her castle disappearing underneath the salty water. "Ugh, I was so going to win." She exclaimed as Lexa chuckled. "Do not _chuckle_ at me!" Clarke said indignantly. "I was!" She insisted, and Lexa bit her lip. She was trying to keep her stomach from flipping as she watched the blonde flailing her arms and insisting upon the winning nature of her masterpiece which now had been destroyed.

"I believe you," Lexa said.

"I hate you," Clarke exclaimed thinking Lexa had been sarcastic. Clarke stomped off, feigning indignation.

"No, wait! Come back." Lexa laughed. "I mean it." Clarke turned around and still pouted. Lexa wanted to step closer to Clarke and untangle her arms, to then perhaps wrap them around her and- She had to stop her mind from wandering off too far.

 "Considering I've seen your paintings I doubt Raven could beat you," Lexa added, and Clarke's pout turned up into a smile, but Raven snorted as she walked up to them from behind.

"Right, cause you're not biased, at all." She stated which caused Lexa to blush. "I totally would've won." She whispered at Clarke, who shifted her foot and turned to Raven. Before the pair could start bickering, although playfully, Niylah clapped her hands.

"Children, I'm hungry, and everyone is exhausted. I know-" She held out her hand at Raven, "You're never too tired for an argument, and you will have yours, but let's go home and eat. _Please_!" Niylah grinned. The two shrugged and shook each other's hands formally.

"Next time, Griffin."

"Counting on it, Reyes."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I made any mistakes with the surfing my apologies, I only surfed once and that was years ago. I'm more of a winter sports type a girl :')   
> Also, yes I chose Nantucket, which I almost literally know nothing about except for the fact that it's got waves, it's an island, and sometimes you see bioluminescence, which is why I chose it for the upcoming chapter. Any unrealistic things on that account will just- well you'll just have to go with it, cause I'm European writing about an American setting, and I can only do so much research. 
> 
> For those impatient about Clexa happening, we're very close, it won't be long now :) so this slow burn is finally getting ice water.
> 
> Thank you for all the nice comments and asks on Tumblr. Any comments or questions are always welcome. 
> 
> See you next time folks!


	33. Chapter 33

_She watched her standing in front of the railing while watching as the sunset colored the clouds a combination of warm colors. She smiled, feeling as if she was about to walk home. She held her eyes fixated on her back and took tentative steps until she reached her. She wrapped her slender arms around her waist while her nose found a distinctive spot into her blonde hairs. She immediately leaned back into Lexa's body and sighed with what looked like contentment. Lexa found the soft skin of her neck and place soft kisses while feeling the women below her tremble._

_"Did you feed the dog?" She asked her, and Lexa smiled._

"Lexa?" She heard Niylah's voice before she managed to flutter her eyes. She had fallen asleep in Niylah's hammock after having felt exhausted due to the intense day she had had. She sniffed and rubbed her eyes.

"Sorry," She said sheepishly, and soon enough she saw both Clarke and Bellamy exit the house with plates of food. She had wanted to help but said her body needed two minutes of rest, two minutes quickly turned into a sound sleep. No one had really minded. The kitchen was already overcrowded, and they figured those who didn't cook could simply do the dishes. She still felt groggy. It was a feeling that settled on your chest and made your limbs go numb. She could barely stand up.

When she looked at Clarke tugging her hair behind her ear, she remembered what she had just dreamed.

 _'Dog?'_ She furrowed her brows in what looked like confusion. She watched Clarke again and felt a red hue creep into her cheeks. She licked her lips subconsciously.

"Thanks, guys, this looks amazing," She said looking at the spaghetti on the table. She sat down and tried to avoid Clarke's eyes.

"Are you okay, Lexa?" Octavia asked, and sounded genuinely concerned. "You slept for two hours, and now you're extremely red." She stated and leaned over as her mother bear instincts took over. She put her hand on Lexa's forehead, "You don't have a fever." She muttered, but Lexa swatted her hands playfully.

"I'm fine, it's warm, and I just woke up," Lexa smiled. Octavia nodded and sat back down.

They ate quietly as everyone had been tired of spending the day at the beach, all but Bellamy, of course, who was pushing people to play drinking games.

* * *

 

A few hours later, they sat together with a corona each in hand and played 'Who is more likely to' at the request of Raven, who didn't get to play it properly last time she had played it.

"Who is most likely to have sex most often?" Clarke read the question from her phone and rolled her eyes. "Three, two, one," She counted and pointed at Raven. Ironically, Lexa pointed at Niylah and Monty pointed at Miller, who in his turn had pointed at Niylah.

"I've found my people." Raven snickered which made Octavia glare at her. "I only mean in- stories?" Raven wasn't doing a good job in explaining or defending whatever she was aiming to defend.

"You mean, now you can swap stories like a couple of straight dudes in a locker room?" Octavia asked, sounding completely unimpressed.

"Hey!" Bellamy shrieked in protest of his sister's tone.

"I don't think you're allowed to be offended here, Bel." His sister pointed out, and Bellamy reluctantly nodded and shrugged.

"I like having sex," Bellamy stated.

"Hey, I like having sex too." Raven giggled.

To which Bellamy replied with a sly smile, "Yes, I remember how much you like it." This, however, had the worst effect on Octavia, who suddenly appeared disgusted.

"Let's move on before I barf." Octavia stated and took Clarke's phone while ignoring Clarke's protest and read out the next line, "Who is more likely to celebrate their Golden Anniversary?" Octavia questioned and then counted from three. They all pointed at Miller and Monty, who grinned and quickly kissed each other.

"Yeah, that would probably be the case," Monty mumbled with red cheeks as he nuzzled into his boyfriend's neck. "I love you," He whispered low enough the others couldn't hear. Miller's heart skipped a beat and looked at his boyfriend lovingly. Not too long, though, as both knew they would risk getting teased if they continued.

"Moving on," Miller said after clearing his voice and wrapped a lazy arm around Monty's shoulder. He added, "Who is most likely to get the highest grade?" Miller said, sounding impressed with the question. While he counted, he was brushing Monty's hair. He thought of who to point at and could only really think of was Lexa. He hadn't known her for long, but she discreetly earned the best grades in their class. Fair enough, she didn't get the highest grades for more theoretical courses, albeit her grades still being decent, but she was top of her class in practice, which was 80% of their courses.

In turn, the people that knew Clarke best, pointed at her, and she pointed at Raven, then at Lexa then crossed her arms. Eventually, having cheated, she raised her hands in defeat and took a sip from her drink, as the rules entailed the loser must drink. She pouted, and the whole group laughed.

"Hey, we all know you, Lexa and Raven are the studious ones in this group. So don't feel bad, you didn't exactly lie." Octavia patted Clarke's shoulder and giggled. "Talking about grades," Octavia continued, "You're all coming to Bellamy's graduation right?" She asked, and the group resonated with yes's.

"I can't believe I'm going into the real world," Bellamy said seriously and sounded as if he wasn't ready. "I wish I could study another year or something." He deplored.

"The real world isn't as scary as they say," Lexa stated after having remained quiet for quite some time. She was trying to be encouraging, but Bellamy not particularly liking Lexa had taken it as a condescending.

"Well, how would you know?" Bellamy snapped. They still did not get along very well. Lexa was still a salty reminder of what had transpired between Clarke and Bellamy. Bellamy tended to hold a grudge. Lexa shifted uncomfortably in her seat and decided to answer him truthfully. She threw a brief glance at Clarke before licking her lips.

"I got to know the real world pretty well when I was fourteen," She stated and widened the eyes of a few in the group. Bellamy eyed her with suspicion.

"How is that even possible?" He asked naively.

"My parents died when I was almost fourteen." That alone managed to shut Bellamy up and look at Lexa with remorse, but the brunette continued, "My sister tried to take care of me, but about a year later she got pregnant with my niece. We needed money, so I worked." She stated and then added after a beat, "We needed to eat," Lexa shrugged. She had strategically left out the fact that she was in a gang. She wanted to talk to Clarke about that first before she went and blurted it out to a whole group of people. Clarke swallowed and wanted more than anything to reach out to Lexa, but the table caused it to be a stretch too far. This was a heavy lane they had not anticipated to turn into.

"Maybe we should change the subject?" Clarke voiced after a few minutes of silence had settled over them. Raven scratched the back of her neck. She looked at the time and grimaced.

"It's two am, all of us are tired and kind of buzzed. Maybe we should go to sleep instead?" She suggested, and the group agreed.

* * *

 

Clarke had put her oversized blue t-shirt and was heading to bed. By now, everyone was already sleeping, because she had craved a night snack as everyone was going off to bed. She wasn't exactly looking forward to sleeping in the same bed as Bellamy.

 _'I guess, we sorted out our shit ages ago,'_ resonated in her thoughts as she eventually came around to the idea.

Before she headed to bed, she peeked inside Niylah's room to say goodnight to Lexa, but the brunette was nowhere to be seen. In fact, the lights were off, and Niylah was sleeping. The spot next to Niylah, however, was empty. She knitted her brows together in what looked like both a confused and apprehensive scowl.

She looked around the bathroom and the kitchen but couldn't find her. Eventually, she peered outside and found Lexa sitting on top of the chest Niylah kept her towels in. She was watching the waves, which looked like they were shining. Clarke's curiosity peaked, but she redirected her attention to what she considered being more important, Lexa.

She stalked the brunette and asked when she was within her vicinity, "What are you still doing out here?" Clarke asked. Lexa had been startled, but it had gone unnoticed as her movements had been so small. She turned around to meet Clarke and batted her eyelashes quickly out of her lack of concentration as she breathed in tightly.

"I couldn't sleep." She admitted and then did her best not to eye Clarke's exposed legs. Her t-shirt barely covered her ass. Lexa breathed in sharply and looked back at the sea while Clarke was left standing there, biting her lip. Clarke decided at that moment to sit next to Lexa and keep her company.

"Because of what Bellamy said?" Clarke asked when she sat down digging right into the conversation. Lexa blinked appearing surprised.

"Uh-" She hadn't actually thought of why she couldn't sleep. She considered it was partially jealousy, partially not being sleepy as she had slept in the hammock for two hours, and perhaps partially because her parents were on her mind.  "I'm not entirely sure why I'm still up," Lexa answered truthfully.

"Do you mind if I stay here with you?" Clarke asked. Lexa shook her head with a certain sense of ferocity. The alcohol sloshed against her temples and made her feel light headed.

"I never mind when it's you," Lexa admitted. It _was_ true, and she knew she had been crossing so many lines this weekend, but allowing herself to feel and express it felt so freeing that she wanted to free those boundaries she had carefully crafted as well. It was selfish. She knew that, which is why she blushed and looked at Clarke regretfully, "I'm sorry, I usually have more filter than this." It was true the alcohol hadn't helped as it numbed her purification system and caused her to blurt out everything that was on her mind.

Clarke hesitantly took a breath and replied, "As long as you- as it- if it's true and you don't go back-" Clarke was stuttering, but Lexa knew what she meant. As long as she was sending signals that were true but that were also here to stay and not ready to be taken back as Lexa had done before.

"I won't-" _Not this time_. Lexa's voice shook, and the air crowded around them making it difficult to keep their breathing under control.

"Then I don't mind you without a filter." Clarke cracked a joke a lightened the mood, as well as the air. Lexa smirked when Clarke bumped shoulders with her. The blonde detached her eyes from Lexa's and eyed the sea crashing against the sand and bursting into blue sparks.

"What is that?" Clarke asked.

"It's bioluminescence," Lexa answered and added, "It's like fireflies only in the ocean."

"There are fireflies in the ocean?" Clarke asked while she scrunched up her nose which made Lexa chuckle and lean against her. The soft fabric of the blanket which was wrapped around Lexa made Clarke shudder.

"Are you cold?" Lexa asked, and Clarke couldn't deny that she wasn't. She nodded and next thing she knew Lexa had one arm around her, as well as the blanket. She was securing it around Clarke's body.

"Smooth." Clarke simpered as her eyes locked with Lexa's. The brunette's ears burned and she was about to back away, thinking she had truly overstepped this time, but Clarke held her arm tightly locked between her hands. "Stay, I like it." Clarke dared and tested what Lexa's reaction would be. To her surprise, the brunette didn't cower, or say this was too much, or regarded her with regret, a look that left a trail of embarrassment and pain on its path. Oppositely, she smiled and even relaxed. She wrapped her arm tightly around Clarke's waist, rather than Clarke's shoulders and pulled the blonde into her side which pushed Clarke's head to fall onto her shoulder.

"Very smooth indeed." She whispered with a cocky smile. Laughter erupted from Clarke's chest which enticed her to nestle further into the white fabric of Lexa's shirt.

"So you were saying?" Clarke asked, but Lexa was too distracted to remember what Clarke was referring to. She could barely hear Clarke's whispering tone over the beating of her heart. "About the fireflies in the ocean?" Clarke clarified.

"Oh, right. Well, I doubt they're fireflies, but definitely living organisms or bacteria or fungi." Lexa rambled. Clarke had felt Lexa's shoulder tense a little, but not in a way that indicated they had gone too far. A shy glow emanated from Lexa's skin and seduced flutters to throb inside Clarke's chest. By now her whole chest was vibrating, and her stomach was twisting and turning into nervous knots. She wished with all her heart that Lexa would not backpedal after this. She was allowing herself to trust, more than she had done the first time around, and if Lexa walked away now, there would be nothing left to save. As long as it was going somewhere, however far away that destination was, it would be alright.

"Fungi?" Clarke sounded disgusted.

"I heard there are unusual jellyfish here. You can see them at the local aquarium." Lexa babbled while absent-mindedly brushing Clarke's side.

"We can always go." The movement was lulling Clarke to sleep and soon enough caused Clarke to yawn. She felt Lexa nod.

They had probably stayed out there for another hour after their conversation had died and they simply watched the sparks ooze from the ocean. It had turned colder, and the blanket was not keeping them warm anymore.

"We should go inside before we catch something," Lexa spoke up first. When Clarke didn't answer at first, she moved her hand from Clarke's side and brushed Clarke's hair. "Clarke?" She whispered, and she felt the blonde shudder under her touch.

"Yeah, you're right." Clarke eventually replied. She was cold, but she was enjoying this moment with Lexa. She knew it wasn't one she could simply recreate. They stood up, and Lexa tucked the remaining blanket around Clarke completely.

"Lex-" Clarke protested, but Lexa was adamant in her determination to keep the blanket wrapped around the blonde. Clarke rolled her eyes. They only had a few steps to go to reach the sliding door. Clarke sighed and looked at where she was going to sleep. Then she looked back at Lexa.

The brunette was doing her best not to let her jealousy affect her features or her attitude towards Clarke. This was her problem. Her jealousy or envy was unwarranted, nor did she have the right even to feel this way. She had no claim over Clarke, not that that would make any difference to where Clarke would sleep. Even if Lexa did have a claim, Clarke was still free to do what she wanted as long as she did not break any boundaries and as far as Lexa knew, this wasn't one. Obviously, this all didn't matter as she was nothing to Clarke, not in terms of labels anyways.

She gulped and reached for Clarke's without thinking. The minute her fingers brushed Clarke's she was pulled back to earth by gravity and her eyes widened. Clarke hadn't noticed Lexa's internal conversation and smiled shyly as she accepted Lexa's hand greedily, even if her movements remained gentle. They both walked inside and came to a halt when they hovered between Lexa's room and the pull out couch.

Clarke squeezed Lexa's hand, even if she wanted to do much more than that, and said, "Good night, Lexa," She whispered with a hopeful smile lingering on her lips.

Lexa returned the smile and stated, "Goodnight Clarke," With that she leaned and almost urged Clarke's heart into cardiac arrest. Clarke regained her breathing when she realized Lexa had kissed her on the cheek and had already turned around. Clarke remained standing there for a few seconds before she brushed over her cheek with three fingers and hoped to keep the memory of Lexa's lips in her mind and dreams.

* * *

 

The next morning when Lexa woke up, she found Bellamy lying too close to Clarke for her liking. To anyone else, it would've looked like Bellamy had moved in his sleep and had indeed, moved closely to Clarke. To Lexa, however, it looked like they were spooning. Bellamy only had to put his arm around Clarke, and the picture would become perfect.

Her heart started beating fast, and she grew to understand Bellamy better. She remembered Clarke telling her that it was Bellamy who had started the rumor after he had found them lying on the couch together. This is what it must have felt like. The jealousy and the irrational pain. In fact, all her feelings seemed unreasonable, because they were. She closed her eyes, hoping to forget the image and hurried into the shower.

By putting her head under the water stream, she tried to expunge the picture and the feelings relating to it, which she knew to be irrational, from her mind. She gripped the wall bar tightly, until her knuckles turned white, and let her anxiety wash away with the water and cake the shower floor.

A startling knock pushed her to take her head from under the water.

"Lexa, hurry up! You've been under there for a half an hour." Raven raged which caused Lexa to widen her eyes.

 _'Half an hour?_ It had felt like she had only been in there for five minutes.

She managed to wash herself under a minute and leave the shower as she dried herself off. She had forgotten to take her mascara off the night before and was now looking at black lines raking her face. She rubbed the skin harshly until her cheeks reddened and the smudges disappeared.

"Lexa!" Raven yelled again which prompted her to open the door in one swift movement. Raven looked as if she was about to knock on the door again. "Finally," She rumbled with a grumpy attitude. Raven hadn't had a particularly good night of rest. Actually, she had been up most of the night and was now feeling the consequences of that.

Lexa wasn't sure what to say, whether she should apologize or simply point out the bathroom was free. Both seemed either awkward or obvious, so she silently opened the door wider and stepped into the hallway. Raven rounded her eyes in what appeared to be irritation and slammed the door shut behind her.

Lexa breathed heavily as she sat on her bed. She hoped by the time she went into the living room. Clarke had woken up, and she wouldn't have to deal with her own unfounded jealousy. She quickly put on a white knitted sweater as she looked at the raindrops falling onto the window. They were not going outside today. As warm and sunny as it had been the day before, it had become the opposite the next.

She towel dried her hair to the best of her abilities while putting some mousse into it after she was done, and then entered the living room with her heart beating nervously only to find both Bellamy and Clarke still in the same position. An ache developed in her heart that she couldn't control to which she reacted in an abrupt way. She fumbled with her hands and sprinted to the kitchen, which didn't go unnoticed by Niylah, who didn't exactly have time to ask what was going as she was trying to figure out what they would do with their day as the forecast predicted rain all day.

By that time Clarke started waking up, she had tensed the minute she felt Bellamy's body almost spooning hers. She discreetly crept away from him and felt relieved when the fresh morning air hit her back. She looked at Niylah, who was munching on some cereal in the corner while her gaze seemed to have been swallowed by her laptop.

She rubbed her face with both hands, trying to wipe away the morning grog and headed to the kitchen where she found Lexa nibbling on toast with a magazine in hand, one she had probably found laying around the house.

"Hi," Clarke said her heart still soaring from the night before. All she wanted to do with was reclaim the position she had held and snuggle into Lexa's shoulder. Her skin ached to be near Lexa's, and for the first time alarm bells didn't go off in her head. Not immediately anyways. The minute Lexa's eyes, which held something Clarke couldn't quite define, met Clarke's, Clarke knew something was wrong.  The fact that Clarke couldn't define what she was seeing meant that Lexa's mask was on, which spoke volumes. Her mind immediately sped to the worst case scenario: Lexa regretted the night they had shared, even if what had transpired between them would be microscopic to the normal bystander. In truth, it had meant everything to Clarke. Not just what had happened, but her reaction to it, and Lexa's reaction to it. They were making progress and were both comfortable with said progress.

Lexa awkwardly swallowed her piece of toast and replied, "Hi," Clarke could hear the hesitance in her voice, and it almost immediately formed a lump in her throat. Lexa tried her best to look radiantly at Clarke but clearly failed. She didn't want her irrational jealousy coming between them or the development they were making. She hated herself for not being able to turn off negative emotions. She tried so hard, but she could see Clarke was noticing that something was off.

"Do you want me to make you something?" She asked hoping to strike up a conversation and distract herself from her foul mood created by something that was one, not Clarke's fault and two, completely tenuous. What she felt was ridiculous, Lexa knew that.

"No, it's okay." Clarke uttered before she could think of answering any differently. She cursed herself when she noticed that Lexa's face had fallen. Lexa bravely put on her best smile as she approached Clarke.

"Okay," Lexa said, then couldn't think of anything else to do but go. So she stated, "I'll see you in a bit then," and decided to get her act together in the solitude of her room, so she could at least treat Clarke the way the girl deserved to be treated, for the rest of the remaining day.

For a minute Clarke contemplated on letting it go like she always did. She would let things go unspoken, and let it amplify till she had no grip on it anymore and things exploded. She gritted her teeth and pushed down her fear and insecurity that were coming up like sour bile. Her stubbornness kicked in. She was done being scared. If it felt off, she _would_ address it. The consequences be damned. She pushed out a breath through her nose and followed Lexa to her room with a determined pace.

What she did next was completely unexpected and astounded Lexa. She followed her into her room and locked the door behind her.

"Clarke?" Lexa questioned and frowned looking at the lock Clarke had just turned.

"Do you feel weird about last night?" She felt stupid for asking as it sounded as if they had slept together or kissed, or something. In the end, they had simply watched the ocean together. They hadn't talked. They had simply embraced each other and then held each other's hand. Clarke, however, was hoping Lexa had put just as much value in what had transpired as she. Lexa widened her eyes at the mere suggestion of regret and shook her head violently. She approached Clarke and carefully leaned over her.

"No," Lexa stated. "Of course not." She added, hoping to sound genuine. Lexa brushed a strand of blonde hair that had escaped Clarke's ponytail and tucked it behind Clarke's ear.

"Then why are you acting weird?" Clarke blurted out without meaning to. Clarke felt even more stupid now, particularly since Lexa had just so gently pushed her hair back. The translation of Lexa in the kitchen to Lexa lovingly standing before her now didn't happen. Okay, so she might've jumped to conclusions. She cursed herself. Her insecurity was showing, and now Lexa would probably think she was pathetic.

Her thoughts were cut off when she noticed Lexa sighing and turning on her heels. So perhaps she wasn't wrong after all, something did feel off. Clarke narrowed her eyes suspiciously.

 Lexa felt extremely embarrassed.

"It's stupid and-" She huffed which created a pull that had Clarke sitting next to her within seconds.

"What?" Clarke asked, and she saw Lexa rolling her eyes at herself. She would've laughed had she not been so nervous that this conversation would mimic the one they had had after New Years.

"I'm jealous," Lexa muttered. This puzzled Clarke even more. She couldn't even fathom what- Then it hit her. She started laughing, and Lexa's surly expression only made it worse. "Never mind," Lexa crossed her arms and huffed.

"Please don't tell me this is because Bellamy shuffled a little too close to me during the night?" Clarke asked, and Lexa pouted. Clarke tightened her lips, trying to keep her laughter from escaping.

"I don't like feeling this way, you know? It's not like I don't know it's completely irrational. Do you know how stupid I feel right now?" That last sentence resonated with Clarke. Her heart felt lighter. She had always felt as if she was longing after Lexa and Lexa simply tolerated her. At this point, she realized she might've put Lexa on a pedestal out of her own insecurity.

"You're jealous," Clarke whispered back, echoing Lexa's words, more for herself. Lexa rounded her eyes as if the next words that would leave  her mouth would be _'Didn't I just say that?'_ Clarke smiled and realized just how endearing Lexa looked and just how insecure Lexa was too. Lexa was scared to lose Clarke and in that way fell off her pedestal, which was one of the best things that could happen to them.

A shy smile lingered on Clarke's lips when she spoke, "To quote you," She stated, "There's only you." as reassured Lexa, or tried to at least.

Lexa swallowed deeply and smiled. She found Clarke's hand. After a few seconds of silence, Clarke noticed a scowl reappearing on Lexa's face as she murmured, "I hate him," She hardly meant it. Lexa didn't get along with Bellamy, but she didn't hate him. She was never really one to process her feelings by venting them, but she felt like this moment called for it. She wanted to leave that heaviness they had gone through behind, even though she knew rushing things wasn't wise.

Clarke laughed and cupped Lexa's face to press her lips to Lexa's cheek. "You can hate him if you want to, but I promise nothing is going on. I just want you." Another line was crossed, a very thick one. Clarke hadn't actually worded those words, ever. The words had left a dry patch in Clarke's throat that left the blonde with unyielding attempts to soak the surface as she gulped shallowly. A rigid tension placed itself between them as the words echoed throughout the room.

Lexa breathed in while her eyes flickered to Clarke's lips. The subtle change in the atmosphere caused Clarke's heart to flip. She watched Lexa clench her jaw as if she was experiencing an internal turmoil. The hand that Clarke was holding only tightened its hold until it left Clarke's completely and moved to cup Clarke's neck while Lexa pushed her mouth against Clarke's.

Clarke gasped as she felt Lexa's lips against hers. She could feel her heart hammering and throbbing through her skin. She didn't hear it, but she could feel it pulsating through her veins.

At first, Clarke had been taken by such a surprise that Lexa had considered it a rejection when the blonde didn't kiss her back. Just as she was about to pull away and apologize she felt Clarke pull on her neck and mash their lips together seamlessly. It began with tentative movements that held a certain intensity, which didn't progress further from their initial chasteness.

It reminded Clarke of their very first kiss, that day at the pool when Lexa had kissed her to prove a point to Bellamy. Lexa's hair was wet like it was now. Clarke had dug her fingers into Lexa's sweater like she was doing now. The difference was that that day, they were pretending, and Clarke had wanted to demand what Lexa was doing. It was only shortly after that that she had admitted to herself how much she liked it and how much she had wanted it to happen again. This time, though, everything was real. There was no alcohol clouding their minds and fueling their lust. And no one was around for them to pretend to. It was just them. It was real. At least, that's what Clarke hoped for.

The veracity or the feeling of it being so existent in a sense is what grounded Clarke and pushed her to break the kiss when Lexa moved in to kiss her from a different angle after grazing her nose against Clarke.

"Wait," She said breathlessly and within seconds, Lexa's hands were gone. The brunette looked at her with more vulnerability than she had ever had.  Clarke's  eyes pooled with longing and fear. She needed to know this was different from New Years. Even though she knew in her heart, it was, she needed to hear Lexa say it. "What about Costia? Or being ready? Or not rushing?" Clarke was babbling, and Lexa allowed her to take her time until she replied.

"Costia is dead, and she'll always be special, but-" Lexa breathed. Her expression looked pained, and Clarke felt selfish for bringing it up. "I'm okay. I got to let her go. And now I feel-" Lexa was thinking, then she whispered,  "-free." as her eyes drifted off into the distance. What she meant was being free of guilt. Even if she hadn't worded it as such, she knew Clarke would understand what she had meant. They had had a conversation about it once before when they were watching a movie in which Lexa's turmoil came up. Lexa had explained it further to Clarke, who seemed to understand it and relate to it when she thought of her mother's new boyfriend.

"I'm ready," Lexa said, to herself more than to Clarke. It was when she met Clarke's eyes that she started feeling self-conscious about saying it that way. Even though it sounded stupid to Lexa's mind, those two words meant the world to Clarke. It lifted a burden she didn't know had been suffocating her.

"I know that there's a lot to work through, a lot of trust to be earned between us still, but I- I just want you too," Lexa revealed and sounded exhausted from the emotional tension. "And you're right. We shouldn't rush things. We have so much to talk about. But we could take it slow," She swallowed her words and her voice became louder and rushed, "As slow as you want! If you want that is, I mean- Obviously, I shouldn't assume that you want to. I would totally understand if you didn't actually wait- I mean not that you waited- I just- fuck-" Lexa cursed which surprised Clarke as it was so uncommon. It was like Lexa was trying to convince Clarke while stumbling over words which pushed Clarke to knit her brows together.

"Lex-" Clarke interrupted her. "I'd like that." That seemed to shut Lexa up completely. She looked at the blonde in awe. Then Clarke added,  "We do need to keep talking in the future, though. I like slow." Clarke smirked.

"Yeah, I know." Lexa laughed. "So do I."

When Lexa had woken up this morning and found Bellamy and Clarke lying together, this was not how she had anticipated her morning to end. She had imagined she would try to get her act together so she could have a nice day with her friends and possible prolong private moments with Clarke. She had not expected such a big step to transpire, however.

"Can I ask you out on a date when we get back?" Lexa asked formally which made Clarke giggle. The blonde nodded and soon enough they were interrupted by Raven, who wanted to hear their opinion on what to do today.

"Come on, before she starts scratching the door," Lexa whispered mischievously.

* * *

Visuals for this chapter cause sometimes I like to draw too *shrugs*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I know this chapter is extremely long compared to the others so I apologize.  
> I really hope you guys don't feel this is rushed. (They're not together etc. we're making progress) I thought long and hard how I wanted this chapter to go and I wrote different versions and eventually settled on this one. 
> 
> Next chapter: Lexa and aquarium thingies :3
> 
> Thank you for all the comments and kudos it's really encouraging and means a lot. 
> 
> Oh and some of you came into my inbox and asked what my Tumblr was :) and I just thought of answering you here instead of composing several answers in case anyone else wondered. My main is called ceyaro (.) tumblr (.) com and then I have one dedicated to Clexa and FF which is ceyaroaoo (.) tumblr (. ) com (I know how original right? I'm terrible at URL's sue me). 
> 
> Anyways, see you next time folks!


	34. Chapter 34

"But I want to see Suicide Squad!" Raven whined.

"Rae, it doesn't even pass the Bechdel test." Lexa countered.

"Screw the Bechdel test, I love Harley." Raven huffed while crossing her arms. She pushed her back into the soft couch and listened to Lexa further.

"I do too!" Lexa squeaked, "Especially with Poison Ivy-" She trailed off but then returned to her initial point. "The movie sucks. I am not seeing that again." She stated.

"Your face sucks, Woods." Raven snapped, albeit playfully.

"Well-" Lexa smirked, and Raven huffed, "Ugh, I'm rubbing off on you."

Meanwhile, Octavia sat next to Raven and Clarke watched the brunette tense.

"I'll go watch it with you." Octavia offered, but Raven's scowl declined the offer silently. Clarke watched Octavia's face fall. She knew Raven had been in a mood this morning, but they had been in a funky place for the last week, and Clarke wished to know what was happening between the two. The fact that they had had a fight of some kind was apparent. What was puzzling, however, was why Raven had allowed Octavia to stay in the same room with her.

"I don't need your pity," Raven mumbled while trying to justify her reaction.

Niylah, having had enough of this, cleared her voice, "We're going to the aquarium," She stated and raised her hand before Raven could protest, "And we'll go watch Suicide Squad after." Niylah's tone of voice indicated her lack of patience. She didn't quite comprehend why they were even having this conversation when the solution was so clear.

"Where are Monty and Miller?" Bellamy asked. Clarke shrugged, and before she could stand up and look for them, Lexa had beaten her to it. Clarke allowed a shy smile to mark her features. She could still feel Lexa's plump lips her own. Watching this beautiful girl with an oversized knitted sweater walking around Niylah's cabin alone managed to send her heart into throbbing vibrations. Lexa could be hers. Kissing Lexa had opened the door to allowing Clarke to hope. The thought alone made Clarke smile and raise quizzical looks from the people around her. Octavia quirked an eyebrow which pushed Clarke to school her features swiftly.

Lexa peeked her head through the door and watched Miller rubbing Monty's back. She knitted her brows together. Before she could raise her voice to announce her presence, the door creaked and did it for her. Monty's head snapped back while his shoulder tensed, but as quick as it anxiety had surged through his body, it left when he saw Lexa was the person interrupting their moment.

"You okay?" Lexa whispered, but Monty shook his head. She entered the room and closed the door behind her.

"It's just-" Monty swallowed, "It's not a good day," Monty muttered. That was Monty's way of telling her he was experiencing dysphoria. It happened less often since he had been on testosterone, but it still happened, and Lexa imagined it would keep happening.

"Do you want to talk or-" She didn't have time to finish that sentence before Monty told her to go.

"I'll be fine, just go do whatever. I just need to be alone or-" Monty was rambling.

"I'm not leaving you," Miller said stubbornly. Monty's gaze softened.

"I didn't mean you." He whispered. Lexa nodded and walked out of the room while closing the door behind her.

"Are they coming?" Bellamy asked, but Lexa shook her head and sat back down next to Clarke. A small smile carved her face but fell when Bellamy questioned, "Why?" He sounded annoyed.

"Monty's not feeling too well," Lexa answered honestly. She wasn't going to go into details, though.

"What's wrong with her- him?" Bellamy bit his lip regretfully. He scratched the back of his neck and almost mouthed sorry. He had known Monty for so long alongside Jasper and had only recently been corrected when using the wrong pronoun. He hadn't known.

"Let's just go to the aquarium huh?" Lexa smiled, hoping Bellamy would get the hint. Bellamy shrugged and gathered his things into a backpack.

Clarke leaned into Lexa absent-mindedly when the rest of the gang went back to their respective rooms and gathered their things for the day. She breathed out a contempt sigh and played a little with Lexa's fingers. Lexa, however, stood up and unlaced their fingers which left Clarke pouting.

Lexa chuckled and said, "You'll get it back, I just need to go get my stuff." She stated and turned on her heels.

* * *

 

"Are you okay?" Miller asked when he heard the door slam. Monty visibly relaxed, knowing they're alone.

"Yeah, I just can't go out there today." He gulped, and Miller sat next to him.

"You want to talk to me about it?" He asked his boyfriend, and Monty sighed and snuggled into him.

"I just- I don't feel manly enough today. I mean look at my chest." He said visibly upset as tears threatened to brim his eyes. Miller never really knew what to say when this happened, no matter how many times it had happened. Every time, it seemed a different response eased his boyfriend's pain. "Don't answer that," Monty said reading Miller's mind.

"You look manly. I know that doesn't mean much coming from me because it's you that needs to see it, but you do, to me you do." He stated, and Monty nodded.

"I just-" Monty breathed out angrily. Monty wasn't exactly a person that tended to be angry, but these episodes could create a temper so hot it scorched every person in the near vicinity.

"It's like I'm not me.' He cried.  "It's so stupid!" He shouted and got up. He was thankful for his friends' absence. He needed to express this anger. "It's like I look in the mirror and I'm surprised that they're there like it doesn't make sense that they are!" He sniffed desperately. "I don't make any sense." He sounded hopeless when he sat back down. Miller enveloped him in a hug.

"It makes perfect sense, baby."

"How is it that you can see a body, but it's not you. It doesn't sound like me." Miller nodded. "It's like one of your videogames," Monty's brow furrowed, thinking of an example. Then he roared,  "Halo!" Monty's voice shook, "It's like someone switched your favorite controller setting to the opposite. You're a southpaw/inverted and imagine everything is regular/regular, and you're running into walls and jumping at the wrong time, and the contrast auto adjusts, and the volume gets distorted, or the picture gets fuzzy. Like 3D without the glasses-" He groaned, "I'm not making any sense." He stood up again, this time heading towards the kitchen.

"Are you hungry?" Miller jogged behind him, concern quivering through his mind.

"No-" Monty snapped as if Miller had said something ludicrous, "If I eat, I'll get fat and my-" He couldn't even say the word. "These will grow." He said holding his chest with disgust. Monty huffed and let out a frustrated grunt. Then he jogged onto the patio and told Miller to give him a second. A second quickly turned into a few hours and Miller's concern grew, but he didn't want to push his boyfriend's boundaries.

* * *

 

While Raven was preoccupied watching the baby sharks, Lexa and Clarke had walked further to where the jellyfish were supposed to be. Or at least that's what the sign post said. It had a jellyfish drawn upon it. It was cute and pink.

Octavia, Niylah, and Bellamy had disappeared around the time they had passed the turtles, though Clarke hadn't really thought about their whereabouts. All she could think of was the prospect of holding Lexa's hand, maybe sharing a shy kiss. Then she considered that it might not be a good idea to blur the lines before they could actually go out on a date. She huffed mentally due to her inner confliction. She wanted more than anything to blur the lines, zip open Lexa's skin and crawl into it. Okay, that was creepy. She hadn't realized she was scowling until Lexa's hand brushed against the fabric of her shirt, right at the place her elbow sat.

"You okay?" Lexa had asked before they entered what was called the 'Jelly chamber'. 

"Yes!" Clarke replied too quickly which made Lexa suspicious. "No." Clarke revised her answer and observed the apprehension growing in Lexa's eyes. "I mean,  yes," Clarke said now completely unconvincingly.

"Okay, now you're worrying me. Stop telling me what I want to hear and tell me what's going on." Lexa chuckled.

"I just really like blurring the lines, but it's not a good idea right?" Clarke asked, and Lexa shrugged.

"I like blurring them." She replied and Clarke groaned but was not in the least displeased about Lexa's answer.

"Lex! That's not helping."

"Hey, you asked!" Lexa said defensively. Clarke rested her head against Lexa's shoulder and shook her head against the fabric.

"I don't know how to do this," Clarke stated honestly. Lexa echoed that sentiment which left them both in an awkward position. Lexa sighed, and as much as she hated to admit it, Clarke was right.

"You're getting pretty good at this communication thing," Lexa stated feeling awkward that she wasn't. She really needed to work further on communicating with Clarke. "And you're right." Lexa bit her lip. "It's not a good idea to blur the lines till we go on a date and talk about where we stand."

"This place not being an option for that," Clarke concluded, and Lexa agreed while nodding regretfully.

"Yeah, besides, aren't you supposed to kiss the girl _after_ the date has ended?" Lexa asked teasing Clarke a little.

"How are you so sure you'll be kissing the girl at the end of the date?" Clarke sassed which made Lexa laugh. Lexa puffed her chest and quirked an eyebrow.

"I think my money is pretty safe." Lexa countered.

"Hmm, cocky," Clarke stated playfully.

"It is a skill." Lexa grinned from cheek to cheek. Clarke raised her eyebrows and mirrored Lexa's features.

"Really?" She purred, "Tell me more." Clarke giggled.

"Well, obviously itstarts with the 101 in confidence." Lexa clucked her tongue and snapped her fingers while pointing, "Then speeds right over to the fine line between being an asshole and the most desired thing on earth." Lexa flirted playfully.

"Interesting." Clarke narrowed her eyes. "The classes must be packed."

"Jonah Hill and Kanye West keep coming back," Lexa said mindfully.

"Haven't learned the fine line just yet?" Clarke questioned.

"If there's a first in the class, there's a last," Lexa replied.

"Must be so interesting. You must take me someday." Clarke loved how quick-witted Lexa could be once she felt comfortable. She had only managed to have conversations like this with mostly Raven and sometimes Octavia, having one with Lexa, who was usually more reserved with her words, was wonderful.

"It could be our first date." Lexa played.

"Ah, yes the one you mentioned before,"

"Yes," Lexa grinned.

"With the possible kiss," Clarke stated.

"With the definite kiss." Lexa echoed and left them both grinning. Clarke looked down and felt her ears burn. All this talk about kissing pushed the blood to flow to her cheeks. When she looked up, she got lost in a pool of green. No longer were teasing eyes looking down on her but she was confronted with thoughtful and kind looking orbs. She chuckled and shook her head.

"You're such a dork." Without thinking, she leaned in a pecked Lexa's lips. After realized what she had just done, after what they had just discussed, she widened her eyes and took two steps back. "Oh my God. I can't believe I just did that. After we just said- Oh my God!" Clarke thundered which made Lexa chuckle.

"It's okay, Clarke." Lexa's voice sounded full and caring. "I'm not going to break every time you breach a boundary," Lexa said that last word with feigned drama.

"Stop, that's not funny," Clarke said slightly uncomfortable. "With our history, we've actually- I've actually broken-" She couldn't get the words out, but Lexa understood.

"I know Clarke." She stated still featuring a smile. She understood that boundaries were a big issue in their relationship and joking about it had made Clarke uncomfortable. "Sorry," She offered, but Clarke shook her head and widened her eyes while smiling.

"I swear, I'm going to start hating that word. Come on." She said taking Lexa's hand in hers and dragging her into the Jellyfish chamber, which was dark. Clarke looked down at their hands, however.

"Wait, can I still hold your hand?" Clarke asked, and Lexa grimaced indicating that was probably not a good idea either. "But they're so soft!" Clarke whined which made Lexa spurt out a soft giggle.

"You're telling me? Have you felt you hands?" Lexa questioned.

"That's a very Merleau-Ponty question, Lexa," Clarke replied and before she could apologize awkwardly and say it was a reference, Lexa arched her eyebrows.

"Wow, phenomenology reference, impressive," Lexa stated which made Clarke smile. "I have a question, though, one I've been dying to ask since we first held hands." Clarke shuffled from one foot to the other.

"Okay?" She asked skeptically.

"What do you do to them?" Lexa asked suspiciously.

"What do you mean?" Clarke questioned.

"Your hands. They're freakishly soft. So what do you to them?"

"What makes you so convinced I'm doing anything? Maybe I was born with soft hands like these." Clarke retorted.

"You're lying." Lexa accused playfully.

"You're observant," Clarke stated teasingly.

"Why won't you tell me what you do to them?" Lexa asked with a high pitched voice. Clarke shrugged her shoulders arrogantly and turned on her heels. She left Lexa with her mouth gaping open. Lexa scrunched her nose and followed Clarke.

Soon enough she forgot about their banter and was captivated by the jellyfish swimming around. She rounded her mouth into an oval shape and watched in awe as the creatures drifted gracefully. Clarke looked back at Lexa and beamed at Lexa's endearing facial expression.

They moved from one screen to the other and were confronted with a long tube that came down from the ceiling, in which larger jellyfish moved. Lexa's face was even brighter as Clarke watched the girl's eyes lit up.

"I use baby lotion," Clarke muttered in Lexa's ear and with that Lexa's attention snapped from the tube to Clarke.

"I knew it!" She squealed. By this time Octavia ran over to them.

"There you guys are." She said. She had what looked like a temporary tattoo on her cheek. One with a turtle on it. "Did you know they have squids here too _and_ seals! I've done the thing like three times, what's taking you guys so long?" She questioned. Lexa's eyes widened, and her whole aura appeared to light up.

"Squids? They have squids?" Lexa asked, her words coming out faster than they usually would.

"Yeah," Octavia said, being a little weirded out about Lexa's excitement.

"Uhh- I'll- I'm going to see them," Lexa said quickly, and Clarke nodded.

"Uh, okay?" Clarke's tone mimicked that of Octavia.

"Okay! See you later." She said and scurried off into the direction of what was possibly the area where they kept the squids.

"Okay?" Octavia chuckled as she watched Lexa bounce with anticipation. "So," She said, and her voice sang. " _How_ you doing?" She sang, her tone already implying she knew something, or rather there was a hidden meaning behind the question.

"Fine," Clarke answered.

"Oh, come on Clarke," Octavia said. She was never one for patience. "What's going on? I saw you two holding hands. Are you two dating?" She asked and made sure to leave out the 'again'. Octavia actually sounded excited to Clarke. Octavia had really turned it around. After Clarke had scolded her for holding a grudge against Lexa, the brunette had turned around her attitude, or at least she had tried her best to do just that.

"We're not, but she did ask me if she could ask me out when we got back," Clarke answered, and Octavia seemed genuinely happy for her.

"Well, I'll be damned," Octavia said cheerfully, then wrapped her arms around Clarke. "It's about time!" She squealed. "Now you can both stop being so dramatic." She pointed out.

"You're one to talk," Clarke muttered from under Octavia's arms. Octavia knitted her brows together and looked down. She quirked her head sideways and gave Clarke a quizzical look. "You and Raven. Want to tell me what's been going on?" Octavia let her arms fall and took two steps back. She shrugged.

"We had a thing last week. I've been trying to talk to her, but-" She grimaced and Clarke gave her a pitiful look.

"No luck?" Clarke asked. Octavia shook her head. "Well, you're both stubborn," Clarke said playfully.

"All three of us you mean." Octavia snorted.

"So... do you want to tell me what the thing is?" Clarke probed. She didn't expect to know everything that went on between them. She respected that. Octavia sighed and sat down while crossing her legs.

She seemed to be extremely nervous, which made Clarke equally nervous. "Okay, now you're worrying me." Octavia chuckled anxiously. She bit her lip and waited for Clarke to sit next to her.

She took a deep breath and said, "She kissed me," Clarke's eyes almost popped out of their sockets.

"Raven?" 

"No, Martha Stewart, yes Raven!" Clarke's eyes stared at Octavia with horror. 

"She what!" Clarke looked ahead trying to picture it. She was extremely uncomfortable. "And you preach to me about incest?!" She screeched.

"Alright!" Octavia snapped. Clarke cocked her head back. She shook her head trying to find some orientation in her thoughts and looked back at her friend.

"Okay, talk me through it then." She said seriously.

"She got home from that date she had last week. I don't know what it was but was on edge. I've been on edge. I don't know why. I was in such a mood. We got into a fight." Octavia elaborated.

"About what?" Clarke asked, and Octavia sighed.

"She was trying to tell me about it, but I wasn't very receptive and then I got a text and- well, she felt ignored," Octavia explained. Octavia remembered Raven being not too pleased and accusing her of constantly texting Lincoln, which in truth had gone down since the Easter holidays, and neglecting her.

"Right, total build up for a kiss," Clarke muttered. "Sorry," She breathed. "Why weren't you receptive?"  

"That girl sounded like a total bimbo- I mean, you know what I mean. She sounded idiotic and not good for Rae. Fucking hate her." Octavia worked herself up to a point she was huffing and crossing her arms. Clarke widened her eyes. She hated a girl she barely knew? She listened more attentively as Octavia went on, "I told her that, that her date sounded stupid and then she told me Lincoln sounded stupid." She groaned and pushed her head down, "To make a long story short, we got in each other's face, screaming and huffing and puffing and-" Octavia was ranting.

"And then, she kissed me," Octavia said seemingly upset about it. "And I kissed her back." She murmured. Clarke didn't realize her eyes could widen this far. Octavia had been talking about her sexuality, her gender even, but she had never realized just how serious she was. "And then things got emotional, and I freaked out, and at that point, you came in."

"Octavia-" Clarke swallowed her words. She hesitantly pointed out, "I don't think you should be experimenting with Raven. And what about Lincoln?" The look of fury that Octavia gave Clarke was one Clarke had never been at the end of.

"That's not what it was! You think I'd risk losing her for something like that? By doing that?" Her voice got higher in pitch and louder with every sentence. Clarke jostled uneasily.

"I'm sorry! It's just how it sounded." Clarke explained.

"Well, it's not." Octavia barked, then added, "And Lincoln lives in Indianapolis, Clarke. Maybe if he lived here, then sure, but it would never work like this. Besides everything kind of watered down after the Easter Holidays anyways. I've barely spoken to him since." Clarke nodded. So Lincoln was out of the picture then?

"So tell me. You kissed her back? Do you like her like that?" Clarke couldn't believe what she was asking. Not in a million years did she expect to be having this conversation with Octavia.  Octavia sighed and appeared to be struggling with that question.

"I love her. You know that." Octavia stated.

"Yes, but do you _love_ her?" Clarke asked, and Octavia was clenching and unclenching her jaw repeatedly.

"I-" She huffed and rubbed her eyes, while frustration tickled her fingers.

"Okay, how about this: how did it feel? Kissing her I mean." Clarke asked, and Octavia licked her lips.

 _'Amazing, safe, warm, terrifying-'_ Octavia shook her head.

"It doesn't matter." Octavia screwed her eyes shut and tried to shake the memory.

"Yes, it does. If it felt right-" Clarke tried to interject, but Octavia didn't let her.

"No offense Clarke, but you're the last person I should be taking relationship advice from." Octavia's claws were out which meant she had something to be defensive about. Clarke knew her too well to let this disconcert her.

"O'," Clarke squeezed Octavia's arm encouragingly as her face softened.

"I can't, Clarke." She whispered.

"Why not?" To be completely fair it didn't surprise Clarke that Raven had kissed Octavia. When they first met Raven had had a huge crush on Octavia and whined to Clarke for about a month about how all the best girls are always straight. Then they became friends, then best friends and things were never mentioned again. Clarke simply figured it was a thing of the past, and Raven had friend zoned Octavia a long time ago.

"Because, what if I end up not being that _gay_." Octavia said, and she appeared frightened. "You said it yourself. I shouldn't be experimenting with her. I can't lose her. I won't. We'll get through this. I just need to find a moment to talk to her." She said firmly.

"Okay," Clarke said rubbing Octavia's back and then wrapped her arms around her. "It'll be okay,"

"Don't choose her side if this turns ugly." Octavia joked which made Clarke wheeze.

"What are you talking about? I could never choose. I love you both _equally_."

"No such thing," Octavia countered.

"Psh, there is no hierarchy in the Trinity," Clarke grunted.

"Well, you have known her longer," Octavia muttered. Clarke shook her head and smirked onto Octavia's hair.

"You're silly,"

"I know."

* * *

 

They finally caught up to Lexa who seemed entranced by the squids, even more so than she had been by the jellyfish.

"I want one." She whispered when Clarke stood next to her. The blonde snorted loudly but when she noticed Lexa was serious she tried not seem unglued by the suggestion. The animals were scary in her opinion. "Look how graceful and powerful they are," Lexa's eyes told a story of a fine line between infatuation and addiction, a look which equally infatuated and addicted Clarke to Lexa.

"Yeah," Clarke breathed, still looking at Lexa. If the brunette were not so preoccupied with the animals moving in front of her, she would have teased Clarke.

"You want to get a tattoo?" Clarke asked after they had stared at the squids for another fifteen minutes. Lexa whipped her head towards her and frowned.

"I already have one," She stated but soon realized Clarke meant one of those temporary tattoos they were handing out at the exit.

"You do?" Clarke inquired. An enthusiastic smile appeared on her face, one full of curiosity and arousal. Lexa chuckled and looked down to hide her rosy cheeks.

"Yes, Clarke. Let's go get a tattoo."

Clarke had insisted on placing the tattoo on Lexa after she had snatched it away from the guy at the exit. She sat Lexa down, and the urge to sit on Lexa's lap was just small enough for her to resist the temptation. She bit her lip. That appeared to be happening a lot lately, especially around Lexa.

"Stay still." She said while pushing a wet cotton ball to the paper. Lexa was grinning the whole way through while Clarke worked her magic. "There, done." She said and leaned back looking at the squid marking Lexa's cheek. Lexa had the impulse to grab Clarke's hand and pull her into her, but they had just agreed on boundaries and such.

"So, Suicide Squad?" Raven asked happily. She seemed eager to get out of the aquarium. They all walked out, some of them with tattoos on their cheeks, others with fries in their hands. Clarke watched Octavia sulk after Raven had strategically walked ahead of her, even though she knew Raven's leg would probably be hurting by now. She felt sorry for her friend, but she knew things would work out. Raven and Octavia combined were more reasonable than Clarke was as a person.

The day's weather hadn't changed. It was still raining, but Clarke couldn't be more pleased as she got to share an umbrella with Lexa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know Octaven, I have yielded to my own desires. IM SORRY OKAY? I just really like Octaven in this fic, I'm usually a Ranya fan but that would be kind of weird in this fic and entirely impossible. 
> 
> I've also been watching too much Gilmore Girls hence the banter. 
> 
> Anyways, thank you for your lovely comments and kudos. 
> 
> See you next time folks!


	35. Chapter 35

"Are you awake?" Clarke asked out loud, wondering if her roommate, who had been tossing and turning for most of the night, wasn't getting any sleep either. They had returned from their holiday four days ago. Lexa and Clarke had tried to meet up or hang out, but their schedules seemed to clash constantly, which meant they only saw each other briefly at lunch. Lexa's project for recording and production techniques was taking over her life. They did have some downtime coming up starting tomorrow, and Clarke had been so excited she could barely sleep.  

She heard Octavia sigh, "Yeah." She answered. Raven and Octavia were still in a strange place. Clarke propped herself up on her elbows and glanced over at the bump covered by Pokémon covers. Octavia had bought them for Raven ages ago, it was meant to be a birthday present, but it had gotten lost in the mail and eventually took two months instead of a few weeks to arrive. Now that they weren't on speaking terms, Octavia had started using the covers, which made Clarke's heart ache, knowing Octavia was probably doing it so she could feel closer to Raven somehow. 

"You need to talk to her," Clarke said voicing her thoughts as she kept her eyes glued to the covers of her roommate. A longer and more deep-felt sigh echoed through the room.

"I've tried, she keeps blowing me off. I think I've lost her." Octavia spoke, and Clarke bit her lip, trying to prevent saying that she agreed. She knew Raven. It took her a long time to get over someone, and if she had kissed Octavia, it meant that there were feelings involved. Raven would have never moved in on one of her best friends, risking it all, if there weren't true feelings thrown in the mix.

"Try harder," Clarke stated. Octavia groaned because it had become worse. She had tried, again and again. She even attempted at following Raven back to her dorm when they first arrived but for the first time in their friendship, Raven had turned around and told her to leave her alone. She had already forced her into sharing a room with her when she would've preferred sharing one with anyone but her. Raven's words had hurt Octavia. Her eyes, though, were worse. They had pierced through Octavia's heart, tearing at the margins.

"She won't even speak to me." Octavia gasped.

"She's hurting and probably feeling embarrassed. Give it time." Clarke told Octavia.

"I don't want time. I want Raven." Octavia voiced.

"Don't you think that should tell you something?" Clarke asked. Octavia gulped and opened her mouth to say something, but someone knocked on the door. Clarke knitted her brows together and stood up. She wrapped her nightgown around her before she answered the door. She peeked her head through the opening and saw Miller standing in the hallway. Clarke looked behind her at the clock to check the time, though the room's gray shade told her it was barely dawn.

"Miller?" Clarke whispered. He looked guilty.

"I didn't know she was going to drink this much." He admitted, but Clarke didn't understand.

"Who?" She questioned.

"Raven." He answered and suddenly the sleep which had been tugging at the back of her throat making her yawn, dissipated and she was completely present.

"What?" She said, her voice shaking a little. For Miller to come to her door, something must've happened. "Is she okay?" She asked quickly, and Miller nodded which relieved Clarke.

"Well, if she's fine, why are you here?" Clarke snapped, the early morning turning her crabbier than she normally was.

"She's not okay Clarke - I mean she's okay, physically, but-" Miller explained which made Clarke step out into the hallway and close the door behind her.

"Is this about Octavia?" Clarke asked wondering how much Raven had disclosed in her intoxicated state.

"Uh-" He looked awkward. Perhaps she didn't disclose anything. Clarke sighed.

"Wait here," She told him as she returned inside.

"What's happening?" Octavia asked. "I heard Miller's voice and Raven's name." She was ranting. Clarke glanced in the mirror which gave a view of Octavia's bed. She was ranting, and she was getting up.

"Go back to sleep. I'll deal with this." Clarke muttered as she pulled a pullover over her head with the school's logo on.

"Clarke," Octavia said sternly and by the tone of her voice, Clarke realized she wasn't going to be able to go there alone. She gave her one curt nod and Octavia started pulling her sweats on and a light shirt with long sleeves.

They both followed Miller soon after and found Raven sitting on the floor with Niylah trying to persuade her to give up the bottle of rum she had been clinging onto all night. They had gone out together. What Niylah and Miller didn't know though was how much Raven would drink when she was upset. Clarke threw a worried glance at Octavia as they both understood what was happening. Raven did not particularly speak freely about her emotions. Getting intoxicated was one of her strategies to process her feelings. It was an unhealthy habit both Clarke and Octavia had tried to dissuade her from.

"Hey, buddy," Clarke said while she kneeled down on her knees in front of the girl.

"Clarkey!" Raven said cheerfully, but the red rim around her eyes told a different story. "And you brought her too," Raven snarked.

"Can I see that bottle for a second?" Clarke asked, hoping she could pry the bottle away from her, but Raven eyed her suspiciously.

"Why?" She asked skeptically.

"Come on, Rae," Octavia muttered as she had kneeled down too while tucking her feet under her. She placed both hands on her arm and fixed her pleading eyes on the brunette. Raven eyes locked with Octavia a little before the Latina sighed. She pushed the bottle into Octavia's hands, so at least they were on her and tried to get up.

"Raven," Octavia said her tone laced with apprehension. Raven struggled to get up as she had forgotten she had loosened her brace.

"Damn thing-" Raven muttered. Clarke quickly attempted to fix the problem, but Raven swatted her hands away. She didn't like anyone touching her brace, not even Clarke. Even when she was drunk, she still managed to fix it as she was so used to it by now. She started walking away but soon enough stumbled forward. Before she could hit the ground, she felt two strong arms gripping her. Miller and Niylah were holding her up as Clarke's hand flew around her waist. Octavia stood in the corner still clutching that bottle of rum with tears threatening the brim of her eyes.

They carried her to her dorm. Luckily Raven had a single. Octavia followed them silently and started considering what to do with the bottle. By the time they got to her front door, though, Raven had started singing. They attempted at hushing her but eventually a few doors opened, including Lexa's. The brunette rubbed her eyes trying to adjust to the light.

By now Octavia had told them she would handle it. She even sent Clarke away and helped Raven inside her room. They could hear Raven's snappy comments towards Octavia even after the door had been closed.

Clarke looked behind her and smiled a little. Then she realized what was different about Lexa. She was wearing glasses.

"Hey," She whispered modestly. Lexa looked behind Clarke, eyeing Raven's door.

"Is she okay?" She asked, and Clarke looked downwards and breathed out anxiously.

"I don't know, I hope so." Clarke admitted, then she added, "You wear glasses." Clarke had never seen her wear glasses, not even when Lexa had stayed the night around Christmas.

Lexa's cheeks turned a shade of pink and she nodded. "I usually wear contact lenses." She revealed. Clarke felt annoyed with herself, how did she not notice this? Lexa had remarked the change in Clarke's expression and brushed a strand of hair out of Clarke's face. "What?" She asked softly. Clarke's initial reaction was to push down the feelings and say ' _nothing_ ' to Lexa, but her brain kept reminding her of the pact she had made with both herself and kind of with Lexa. _Communicate._

"I'm just annoyed at myself for never noticing," Clarke stated honestly even though she felt embarrassed. Lexa's eyes danced with mirth in them.

"I tend to be secretive about them." Lexa stated then explained further, "It's an odd habit I kept from the group homes." Lexa realized it was the middle of the night, and this conversation had turned a little heavier than she had anticipated. She wanted to have these kinds of conversations with Clarke, to trust the blonde with these stories, and to trust that she would not walk away after the first sign of vulnerability or worse take advantage of it.

"They look nice," Clarke breathed. She opened her mouth to ask more questions, but Lexa bit her lip and looked behind her to check on Monty, who was now waking up.

"Thank you," She smiled shyly, "It's still early morning, and I think we're waking Monty," She whispered. "Let's continue this conversation later?" Lexa stated, implying she would be seeing Clarke later. The thought alone sent excitement into the blonde's heart.

* * *

 

Meanwhile behind Raven's door, Octavia was still trying to get the brunette to bed.

"Raven, will you just work with me here?" She hissed. Their tone had descended an octave though the tension hadn't.

"Why do you even care?" Raven asked bitterly. Octavia had had enough. She didn't deserve this. Raven was usually rational. A hurt Raven, however, tended to be sarcastic and hurtful.

"You can't keep doing this." Octavia stated, "I did nothing wrong, I don't deserve it." She sounded surly and hurt. Raven glanced up with momentary regret in her eyes. It lingered.

The snark dissipated and an agonizing and sorrowful expression appeared on Raven's face, then the anger returned, and she turned on her side. She shrugged while she tucked her hands under her chin and turned her back to Octavia. It took a while but eventually,  her breathing evened out and light snoring echoed through the dorm. Octavia had been reading one of Raven's books, waiting for her to fall asleep. She set the book aside once the snoring started, which by now was almost an hour later.

Octavia sighed and allowed her hand to brush over Raven's back, "I'm afraid I'll lose you if I do and I'll lose you if I don't," She whispered. Raven, however, had woken up by the feeling of Octavia's hand brushing over her back. She had always been a light sleeper.

"Don't what?" Raven asked, her voice was thick and velvety. She turned around, and Octavia didn't take her hand back, it simply shifted onto Raven's stomach as the brunette turned on her back.

"I don't understand how this happened," Octavia said taking advantage of Raven's groggy haze. "We were fine," Raven grimaced.

"I had such a big crush on you when I first met you," Raven admitted bitterly. That was years ago after Bellamy had taken her home. It wasn't long after they had slept together and become great friends. He had invited her for Thanksgiving and had met his sixteen-year-old sister. She was a first year in college. It was funny how both Clarke and Raven had gotten to know Octavia via Bellamy, and ended up being better friends with her than with him.

"And then I got with Finn, and we became such good friends. I thought I didn't feel that way anymore. I mean I constantly joked-" Raven revealed which created a block in Octavia's throat.

"I didn't realize you were serious," She whimpered. Octavia had always considered those jokes as Raven trolling her. She couldn't believe how wrong she had been. Raven shook her head.

"I wasn't, not until I kissed you and then everything flooded back. Or maybe, it started when you developed that crush on Lincoln, and I got jealous, and it lit something up. Something that was dormant or something." Raven slurred and rubbed her face with both of her hands. Octavia looked down as the memory enveloped her. The feelings associated with the memory overwhelmed her. She shook her head trying to deny them.

"We can get through this," Octavia stated.

"How?" Raven questioned. Octavia opened her mouth but didn't know what to say. Raven was still drunk.

Raven's eyes lit up, and she sat up with an idea, "I need you to hurt me,"

"What?" Octavia barked.

"I need you to tell me in a really harsh way that you don't want me and don't love me. That way I can take some space from you-"

"I don't want to initiate the hate phase." Octavia hissed, knowing exactly what that would cause. 

"Why not? It's the only way I'll get over it. I need to."

"No."

"Octavia!" Raven yammered desperately and slammed her back into the mattress. "Tell me," Raven demanded but Octavia remained silent. Raven groaned sounding frustrated. "If you don't tell me you don't love or at least that you don't want me, I won't be able to be a hundred percent sure you don't, so please," Raven begged, but Octavia found it hard to find the words to say just that.

"I can't." Octavia murmured with a broken voice. Raven, for weeks, had tried to ignore the fact that for a second or two, Octavia had kissed her back. Her breathing became heavier.

"You kissed me back," She stated. "Why?" 

"Because it felt right," The words slipped out, and Raven gasped. A relieved smile carved Raven's face. She reached out, but Octavia flinched.

"What are you so scared of?" Raven's tone had changed from angry to desperate to loving in the span of ten minutes. Raven leaned up more until she was resting her back against her bed board.

"I'm not gay," Octavia stated.

"Neither am I." Raven smiled. If Octavia was frank, she was more worried about what people would say and what her family would say, than she was about her own feelings concerning her sexuality.

"I'll lose you," Octavia said and this time, a tear rolled down her cheek. Raven smiled and shook her head. She cupped Octavia's neck and brushed her lips carefully against Octavia's. The girl sobbed against Raven's lips and knotted her hands in Raven's shirt. She pushed her lips flush against Raven's which earned her a gasp from Raven.

* * *

 

Clarke woke up a few hours later in her room and noticed Octavia had still not come home, which meant they either talked things out, or she was going to find two dead bodies in Raven's room. She looked at the clock, and it said 11 am. She had slept for a very long time and missed breakfast. She picked up her phone and called Lexa.

" _What's up lovely lady?"_ She answered quickly.

"Hey," Clarke smiled into the phone. "How are you this morning?"

_"I am good. Did you get home alright last night?"_

"Yes, I'm fine. Can you do me a favor?" Clarke asked. She had a class in an hour and still needed to get food.

_"Sure, what's up?"_

"Can you knock on Raven's door and check whether Octavia is with her? She didn't come home last night," Clarke explained.

 _"Sure, let me just walk out of my room. I'm walking towards the door,"_ Clarke smirked at the quirkiness Lexa reserved exclusively for her. _"I am approaching the door. I am in front of the door. I am knocking on the door._ " She continued, and Clarke chuckled. Clarke heard a door open and after some shuffling and Lexa's voice, she got Octavia on the phone.

_"Hey!"_

"Hey, I'm glad you're alive. So-" Clarke started smirking into the phone, but Octavia sighed.

 _"We're fine, Clarke. I'll talk to you in class okay?"_ She said then hung up. Clarke frowned at the phone and shook her head. She quickly changed into her rehearsal clothes and exited her room in search of coffee and some food.

By the time she got to her class, Octavia was already there. She smiled when she sat next to her friend.

"So, how was _your_ night?" She asked and saw Octavia roll her eyes.

"We talked." Octavia shrugged. Clarke's eyes were pressing pressure on Octavia until the brunette added, "And kissed,"

"Oh my God!" Clarke squealed, but Octavia shushed her. "There _is_ a hierarchy in the Trinity," Clarke pointed out with playfulness lacing her tone. Albeit, that statement not being true, Octavia understood what Clarke had implied and denied it.

"No, there isn't," Octavia said stubbornly. Then she looked up from the book she had her nose hidden in and softened her tone while she said, "We're figuring things out." Clarke arched her eyebrows which made Octavia roll her eyes again. "Okay, _I'm_ figuring things out, and she's helping me." Clarke reached out and hugged her.

"I'm happy for you." She mumbled into Octavia's shoulder. Octavia sighed. She wanted to be happy. Snuggling and talking with Raven all morning made her feel safe and complete, however, disgusting that sounded to her.

"I don't want to hurt her. I'm so scared I will." Octavia said sounding anxious. "What if I hurt her? What if I end up not being-" She breathed out and tried to recover. "What if I'm confusing friendship with something else and I end up hurting her?" Octavia's vulnerability marked Clarke. She looked as if she was about to cry.

"Did you tell Raven all this?" Clarke asked to which Octavia responded with a solemn nod. "Then, like you said, you'll figure it out." Clarke rubbed Octavia's back encouragingly.

"Yeah," Octavia replied weakly.

"You might hurt her, or she might hurt you. Those are the risks you take."

"I don't want to risk that. Besides, I'm not worried about Raven hurting me." Octavia stated, then their dance tutor came in.

"I wish I had your confidence," Clarke stated while they both walked over to create drama circle. Octavia winced when she looked at Clarke.

"I thought things were working out between you and Lexa?" She pondered out loud.

"They are! The way she makes me feel, though... it scares me, so much. I've never felt this way before." Clarke sounded apprehensive.

"It'll be okay. When is that date of yours?" Octavia asked, but she was shushed by the dance teacher as they started their warm-up.

* * *

Clarke almost ran to swimming pool after she was done with rehearsal because she knew Lexa would be about done with her workout and they could have a snack together.

"Hey," Clarke said meekly as she saw Lexa towel drying her hair. Clarke had snuck into the area where people would groom their hair. Lexa looked over her shoulder and smiled widely. "So, I have a question," She stated after she had noticed Lexa was without glasses.

"Okay," Lexa said suspiciously as Clarke sat down next to her.

"First, how bad _is_ your eyesight?"

"Not too bad, it's 20/50, without glasses or contacts that is," Lexa answered. Clarke did not seem to be familiar with what that meant, so Lexa explained further, "It means I need to be at 20 feet to see something, someone else can see at 50. I have glasses and contact lenses, though, so I'm not that bothered about it." She smiled.

"Do you wear contacts when you swim?" Clarke asked, knowing that probably couldn't be good for her eyes. Lexa giggled.

"No, I don't." She then took something out of her bag, "Usually, I wear these. They're prescription goggles. It does happen that I go without them or that I forget them, it's not the end of the world." She explained and by now had finished drying her hair. She got up, indicating for Clarke to follow her.

They made their way to the café, and while they were getting some pie, Lexa turned around nervously and said, "So, I might have some ideas for our date?" Her voice sounded small. It took Clarke slightly by surprise, but it was a welcomed surprise nevertheless. The momentary pause made Lexa anxious as she added, "That is if you still want to go. I mean, we can _not_ go." She gulped and continued rambling nervously "We can hang if you changed your mind about us, we don't have to-" Clarke reached out and squeezed Lexa's hand.

"I still want to. Though I have to admit watching you become a nervous mess is slightly entertaining." Clarke teased.

"Whatever, Griffin," Lexa muttered as her cheeks heated up. In truth, it made Clarke's heart lighter hearing how nervous the other girl was at the prospect of losing the opportunity to go out on a date with Clarke. It eased Clarke's natural insecurity.

"The suggestions?" Clarke questioned as Lexa had failed to go through with what she was saying. Lexa widened her eyes.

"Yes! I think the concept of surprising your date with a plan is really outdated and just a bad idea. We should be certain that the date is appeasing to both parties." Lexa said formally which pushed Clarke to raise an eyebrow while merriment danced in her blue orbs.

"I agree," Clarke stated.

"Right, great," Lexa said lifting her heels. "So, I thought considering you know how to skateboard, and I really wanted to learn as a kid, maybe you could teach me?" Well, that was a suggestion Clarke hadn't anticipated. It wasn't a bad suggestion, though. Clarke continued listening to Lexa's suggestions, but the blonde's silence had been interpreted incorrectly.

"Unless, you don't want to teach on a date, which would be completely understandable. Damn, that idea sucks. Forget the skateboarding-" Lexa started saying, but Clarke clucked her tongue.

"Hey! I'd love to teach you. Maybe we can combine things with the skateboarding?" Clarke added.

"It's okay if you hate the idea."

"Lexa," Clarke said sternly as they sat down. Lexa smiled shyly and nodded. "How about dinner first?" Clarke asked. "Or after, that way if you get hurt, I'll be able to soothe it with chocolate ice cream," Clarke grinned widely.

"I like that idea."

"Oh! And Pokémon Go. There's a nest in a park we could go to. We could hatch our eggs!" This seemed to peak Lexa's interest.

"Go on," Lexa said playfully. God did she want to lean across the table and kiss Clarke right then and there. She hadn't even thought of Pokémon Go. It didn't surprise her that Clarke had. She knew the blonde tended to sneak into her room to take advantage of the Pokéstop that often had a lure module on it.

"Well, we could go to the park. I could teach you the basics. Oh! We do have to go get my skateboard from my mom's." Clarke stated casually to which Lexa responded with a shrug, agreeing to what Clarke was saying.

"We could take a break and set up a lure or two," Lexa smirked.

"Now, you're speaking my language." Clarke smiled widely. Lexa's phone went off. When she looked at it, her face fell, and she sighed.

"I have to go. My studio time got advanced." She said regretfully. "Text me later about which day you want to do this on? I should be free most nights this week." She said. Clarke didn't want the disappointment marking her face, but some things were inevitable.

"Yeah, okay," Clarke said smiling, though the smile didn't reach her eyes.

"I'm sorry," Lexa said regarding the dissatisfaction written into Clarke's features. She leaned down and kissed Clarke on the cheek. "I wish I didn't have to go either." She admitted.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I realize this is kind of a filler chapter, I promise the date will be next chapter. The deadline of my dissertation is getting closer which means I might not update till after it's done (1st September). That being said there is always a possibility I finish it early and can write a chapter. 
> 
> Yes, Clexa loves pokemon Go. To all pokehaters out there, yes I know I must look ridiculous running around the street desperately trying to catch that dratini, but I don't care! I got that dratini. Worth it. 
> 
> See you next time folks :')


	36. Chapter 36

Lexa gazed at her closet and cursed her limited wardrobe. In fact, for the first time in a long time, it really upset her how few clothes she owned. A lot of her good clothes had been stolen in the shelters, and her scholarship covered the basics and not much more, so the good clothes she had were clothes Clarke had already seen. She wanted to impress Clarke, make it look like she wanted to look nice for their date and that it meant something to her; that it meant the world to her actually.

She sat down on her bed after kicking the wardrobe door shut. She looked at the clock. There was about an hour left until Clarke would pick her up. She considered asking one of her friends if she could borrow something, but the thought alone embarrassed. There weren't a lot of things Lexa was insecure about, her past and her time in group homes, though, was a subject she did not like to bring up.

"Just shake it off," Lexa whispered to herself. She couldn't let this bother her. It would mess up her mood for the whole date. She was going to be spending a whole evening with Clarke, and they would be doing stuff she was excited about. A small smile tugged at her lips. As long as she looked good, that's what was most important, right?

She was thankful it was slightly chilly outside. She hadn't worn her oversized denim jacket for months due to the heat. At least she would be wearing something Clarke hadn't seen in a while.

She decided on black skinny's, a green crop top she had borrowed from Anya last time she visited her, and her denim jacket over that. They were going to be skateboarding, so she figured her hair would be best up. The same went for the shoes. She pulled on her sneakers after cleaning them thoroughly.

She didn't really see the time pass as she carefully picked out a necklace and some rings. She had hidden those carefully in the past and managed to keep most of it. Just as she finished her make-up, her phone buzzed, and she realized, Clarke was here. She widened her eyes as her heart leaped. She looked on last time in the mirror to compose herself and made her way to the door. Just as she opened it Monty was coming in.

"Oh," Monty squeaked sounding startled. "You look nice." He smirked. Lexa didn't really offer a response. She only shrugged and gave Monty a tight smile before turning the corner. She even waved at her roommate and then rolled her eyes, thinking she needed to get her act together.

She took a deep breath while her hand was on the handle of the door, which led into the courtyard, where Clarke would be waiting. At the center of her nervousness, warm and exciting swirls swarmed in her chest. She realized she couldn't wait any longer. Just as she expected, Clarke stood there waiting for her. She smiled so widely. She thought Clarke would think she looked like a psycho.

Clarke breathed out, feeling relieved to see her finally. This whole thing, the getting ready, the waiting, it had had her on edge. Now, though, seeing Lexa -beautiful Lexa- walking towards her, all her apprehension dissipated.

"Hey," She breathed mirroring the smile Lexa was wearing. "You ready?" Clarke asked her, and Lexa nodded. Clarke's eyes lingered on Lexa's greens. The dark make-up she was wearing enriched their color and tempted Clarke to dive in and dissolve. Clarke looked down, her cheeks darkening in color, as she had been caught staring. Lexa smirked. The anxieties she kindled about what clothes she was wearing disappeared when she caught Clarke's eyes lingering on her. The blonde was beautiful in her black skater skirt. She was even rocking her leather jacket. Lexa liked it when Clarke wore black for one reason or the other.

They drove to Clarke's house to pick up her skateboard. Lexa followed Clarke into the girl's garage where Clarke had left her skateboard.

"Okay, now before you see the deck-" Clarke swallowed and looked embarrassed, "I was a really emo kid." She took the skateboard from behind her back and showed it to Lexa. It had neon skulls on it, with the text 'Death is not the end' written under it.

Lexa tried not to snort, but she couldn't hold it in. "Ugh, I knew you'd laugh." Clarke pushed her lightly and feigned her indignation.

Lexa laughed but pulled Clarke back towards her. "I'd like to see emo Clarke," Lexa purred. Clarke groaned and tried to untangle their hands. She shook her head and started heading out. "At least tell me if you had the hair!" Lexa demanded. 

"You are never going to let me live this down, are you?" Clarke cried.

"Just give me a few more jokes baby," Lexa giggled. Clarke's smile faltered a little. Her gaze sharpened as she felt her heart bounce. The blonde's smile returned as she approached Lexa and snatched her skateboard mischievously. 

"I'll give you one more joke for the night, _baby_ ," Clarke hummed, which created a bashful smile on Lexa's face. Clarke's smile suddenly dropped, "Oh I forgot!" She then went into a box and pulled out a helmet and pads.

"I have to wear those?" Lexa pouted.

"Yes,"

"But my hair," Lexa whined a little which made Clarke quirk an eyebrow.

"Your hair?" She questioned.

"Yes, it's really hard to maintain these kinds of curls and look cute, you know?" Lexa stated as she crossed her arms petulantly.

Clarke giggled and pulled the helmet over Lexa's head, "You always look cute, especially like this." Clarke held onto the helmet and watched Lexa's cheeks redden as their proximity had been increased.

"Clarke?" Clarke heard her mother call. She took a few startled steps away from Lexa and watched her mother walk out of their conservatory with Marcus Kane by her side. Lexa took off the helmet and held it under her arm.

"Mom, I didn't know you were home." Clarke sounded flushed. "We were just leaving. I needed this-" She was pointing at her skateboard but didn't exactly want to explain it all. She still felt queasy around Marcus. Abby nodded then reverted her eyes to Lexa.

"Lexa," She smiled genuinely. She was honestly happy to see the brunette standing in her driveway. "I haven't seen you around here in a long time." She sounded hopeful. Who knew that Abigail Griffin had started rooting for Clarke to patch things up with Lexa? "You remember Lexa, right honey?" Abby looked at Marcus. The pet name directed at her mother's boyfriend made Clarke cringe.

"Yes, we met at one of our benefits," Marcus confirmed while hiding his hands in his pockets. There were few silent seconds before Abby spoke up again.

"Are you two back together?" Abby questioned without missing a beat. Clarke's eyes widened. Her mother did not do subtle.

"Mom," Clarke's voice rose in an aggravated pitch. Clarke looked at Marcus, then at Lexa. The question was already loaded, but for it to be raised around both Lexa and Marcus, made it worse. It was a sensitive subject for her. It brought her back to December, to the moment she was hurt, embarrassed and most insecure.

Lexa placed her hand on Clarke's back but made sure she did so unnoticeably. Lexa's small ministrations created a warm barrier around Clarke's heart. It reminded Clarke that this wasn't December, and retrospectively, everything made sense. Lexa's actions made sense, and they did not fashion the insecurity and the anguish they once did. Clarke sighed as she felt the tension flow out of her.

"We're going out. I'll see you this weekend." Clarke told her mother, then walked off with Lexa on her tail.

She sat in the car and gripped the wheel. She wasn't sure why she was upset at this point. She hated that her mother had brought that up. Then she felt slim fingers tucking her hair behind her ear.

"Hey, are you okay?" Lexa asked. Watching the girl- _her girl_ \- smiling at her made her realize how silly she was feeling.

"Yes, my mother just-" Clarke chuckled. "She's not subtle is she?" Clarke rested her head on the wheel. Lexa mirrored Clarke's mood and started chuckling. She moved her hand from Clarke's neck to her hand and gave it a squeeze.

"Come on. Let's go to the park." Clarke turned her face and gazed at the brunette.

"Yeah," She smiled widely and started the car.

* * *

 

"Why am I the only one wearing these things? Shouldn't we at least match?" Lexa questioned after Clarke was done putting the pads on her.

"I know how to skateboard. You don't." Clarke pointed out, but Lexa pouted. "Don't give me that look. You wanted to learn."

"Okay, so how do I do this?" She asked as she was about to step on the skateboard.

"Uh! You're not stepping on this just yet." She giggled as she tugged at Lexa's sleeves. She followed Clarke onto the grass. Lexa frowned looking confused.

"The wheels won't work here, though." Lexa pointed out.

"Exactly," Clarke grinned. "We need to work on your balance first. Try getting on." Lexa eyed the skateboard hesitantly and then stood atop it.

"Put your feet on top of the bolts," Clarke stated and pushed Lexa's leg a little to the right. Clarke then put her hands on Lexa's hips and told her how to lean. "You got it?" Clarke asked. Lexa nodded and felt her ears burn. All she wanted was Clarke's hands on her hips again and again. Lexa told herself to focus on what Clarke was telling her and get her mind out of the gutter.  

After about twenty minutes Lexa felt confident enough to try and ride on the concrete.

"Okay," Clarke said as she held out her hands, "Now hold onto me as you're getting on," She did what Clarke told her.

"This was your plan all along wasn't it?" Lexa asked mischievously as she tried to keep her balance.

"If it was anyone's plan, it was yours. You wanted to learn remember?" Clarke retorted with a teasing tone. Clarke almost wanted to poke Lexa's side, but she knew if she would Lexa would topple off the skateboard. The girl was quite ticklish.

"Damn, you caught me." Lexa chuckled. Clarke snorted and told Lexa to focus. She held onto Clarke before she tried to find her balance and then allowed Clarke to push her gently.

"Not too hard!" Lexa yelped just as Clarke wanted to push the skateboard forward.

"That's what _she_ said," Clarke commented with a sly tone. Lexa almost yammered as she clamped her hands around Clarke's shoulders as if she was holding on for dear life. She didn't want Clarke to let her go, and she really couldn't focus if Clarke would start joking around.

"Clarke-, " Lexa said sounding vulnerable which indicated that she needed Clarke to take her seriously. Clarke's eyes softened, and she wrapped her hands tighter around Lexa's hips.

"I won't let you go if you're not ready." Clarke's voice was barely above a whisper. "I'm right here." The words resonated with Lexa. She knew Clarke was talking about skateboarding, but for somehow the words seemed to fit their whole story.

"We can stop right now if you're not ready to do that," Clarke stated again, hoping Lexa would feel more comfortable. Little did she know how much her words meant. It was only when she looked into that green abyss once more that her words echoed back to her, and she understood their depth. At this point, Clarke wanted to lean forward and kiss her, more than any other moment. Lexa's fingers curled into the fabric of Clarke's leather jacket, and with it, the spell faded away.

Lexa took one more breath and then gave Clarke a solemn nod. Clarke gently pushed her, and Lexa was riding slowly ahead. Lexa leaped off the skateboard and jumped up excitedly as the skateboard rolled off into the distance. 

"Did you see that?!" She squealed. She was so endearing it made Clarke smile and nod. Soon enough, Clarke was teaching her how to stop and even carve. The first time Lexa tried to take a turn though she ended up falling flat on her face.

"Lex!" Clarke yelled as she jogged towards the brunette. "Hey, look at me." She said cupping Lexa's face.

"Damn," Lexa groaned, "My breasts took a hit."  She coughed while rubbing her chest.

"Well, I'd kiss it better but-" Clarke joked which took Lexa by surprise. Lexa had been concerned about pushing Clarke with taking her flirting too far, but it seemed Clarke was content taking it that far.

"Really?" Lexa chuckled. She stood up and hissed when looked at her hand. "Shit, my hand."

"Maybe we should stop for today. Get some food, do some Pokémongo?" Clarke suggested which made Lexa pout.

"I guess." She muttered.

"Or not?" Clarke echoed. Lexa smiled and looked up, shaking her head. She grasps Clarke's hand while taking the skateboard in the other and led them to the local restaurant, which was situated in the middle of the park.

* * *

 

"Oh God, there's a Dratini!" Lexa hooted as she started walking. "Where is it?" She was ranting to herself.

"Wait, Lexa!" Clarke said as she was still clinging onto the ice cream she had bought on the way. "My app isn't open and I can't- with this -"

Lexa looked behind her and quickly jogged over to her. She took Clarke's phone, ignoring Clarke's protesting sounds, and opened the app. "Here," She said handing it back. "Now, come on!"

"You're so bossy," Clarke chuckled as she watched Lexa run from one tree to another. "I like it." She purred which seemed to be the only thing that could halt Lexa in her tracks.

"So you like to be told what to do huh?" She teased and bit her lip. The moment, however, was broken when Lexa finally found the Dratini she was looking for. "Oh my God!" Lexa squealed. "At it's a 300 one, 'yas' girl!" Clarke snorted at Lexa's words. They kept having little moments like these throughout the night, and it was becoming harder not to push Lexa up against one of these trees.

"Did you just say 'yas'?" Clarke questioned as she clicked on the Dratini. Lexa looked at her feeling slightly embarrassed.

"I've been spending too much time with Raven," Lexa stated shrugging her shoulders.

"Awh, mine is only 89," Clarke said sounding disappointed. Lexa peeked over Clarke's shoulder and wrapped her arms around the blonde.

"That sucks honey," She muttered in Clarke's ear which sent a shiver down Clarke's spine. An unexpected yawn coming from Clarke took them both by surprise.

"You want to get out of here?" Lexa asked. They had been hunting Pokémon for the last forty-five minutes after their dinner.

"Yeah," Clarke smiled and grabbed Lexa's hand. "I'm kind of tired," Clarke admitted. She didn't want the date to end, though. The only silver lining she had was that she would kiss Lexa. She told herself she would. She was determined to at least kiss her once today.

Clarke was supposed to drive Lexa back to school, but she stopped at her house. She looked at Lexa and sighed.

"It's only 9h30 pm..." Clarke started. "I can drive you back to school if you want but-"

"I don't want this night to end either." Lexa blurted out softly, expressing what Clarke wanted to say. Clarke beamed and took the key out of the ignition. It was dark outside, and Clarke was sparked with an idea.

"Come on," She said. They first dropped by the garage to drop everything off. Then Clarke led Lexa to her backyard as she pressed her index finger to her mouth. She halted at a tree and looked up.

"A tree house? You have a tree house?" Lexa gaped. "You really do live the white picket fenced dream don't you?" Lexa joked but instantly regretted. She knew how hard the last two years had been on Clarke.  "I mean-"  She stuttered.

"No, you're right. I am privileged." Clarke acknowledged soberly. "Now, come on." She said and started climbing.

Lexa quickly averted her eyes and gazed at the grass as Clarke's position gave her the opportunity to look up her skirt. She felt like she had fallen into a 50s romance novel. She shook her head.

"Lex?" Clarke looked down. Lexa did her best to keep her eyes from falling onto Clarke's underwear, but she failed. It was black too. Her cheeks had turned completely scarlet. "What's the matter?" Clarke laughed. Her smile abruptly fell as she asked, "Wait can you climb?"

"I can climb," Lexa said looking away. She sounded slightly annoyed which puzzled Clarke and inspired her monstrous insecurity to make an appearance.

"We don't have to do this if you don't want to," Clarke muttered sounding frustrated with herself. Again she felt like she had done something wrong.

Lexa, however, frowned and snapped her head up ignoring the reservations she had held previously. "No, I do." She angled her head sideways and explained as she sensed Clarke's apprehension, "Clarke, your skirt. Can you just climb, so I can climb without feeling like I am perving on you?

Clarke widened her eyes and started laughing. She felt the relief wash over her, but she also felt a little dumb for jumping to conclusions. She really had to work on that. "Oh! Sorry." She cackled. "You can always perv on me. I don't mind."

"Clarke," Lexa bleated.

"Okay, okay! Aye aye, Captain. Will do." She even saluted before she climbed with haste and waited for Lexa to join her.

* * *

 

They had been lying on top of the treehouse's roof for about twenty minutes while they stargazed until Lexa broke the silence they had been basking in and remarked, "You know for someone that told me I could perv on them, you are sitting quite far away,"

Lexa bit her lip as she hoped she wouldn't smirk too unmistakably. She also hoped she wasn't hinting too brashly. Clarke choked on the grapes she had taken with her from the car and regarded Lexa with startled eyes.

"Oh, yes- right- I mean-" Clarke swallowed, "Uhm- I didn't want you to be uncomfortable- I- I uhm-" Clarke strung a stammering pack of words together.

"Clarke," Lexa grasped her hand which the blonde had strategically tucked into her jacket, "It's okay. Relax," She squeezed her hand encouragingly. "I was just trying to lighten the mood. You seem so... pardon the pun," She said looking over the edge of the roof and then continued with,  "on edge since we've been up here,"

Clarke snorted a little. It was a good pun. Clarke then sighed as she had to admit to herself that she had been. She had been over thinking the climbing moment since they had been lying here. It was so little as well, which made her feel dumb. She tended to over think too much. Clarke put down the grapes and slid over to Lexa so she could curl into the brunette. Lexa beamed when she wrapped her arms around Clarke and felt the girl relax in her embrace.

"Sorry, I always over think things. I jump to conclusions, and then I'm wrong, and now I feel dumb. And honestly, I know it's fine, and this is such a great night. I just- God I am such a head case. I can never _just_ have fun." She growled. She hated how her insecurities always ruined everything.

"Look," Lexa murmured, "Neither of us is perfect, and that's okay. If you're feeling on edge, don't worry about feeling stupid, just talk to me. Not that I'm such a good talker, but- you make me want to be." Lexa mused.

Clarke looked up and felt her heart hammering in her chest. She felt like the emotions quavering in her chest would bruise her ribs if she did express them.  She traced over Lexa's jaw line and settled her hand in her neck, still playing with the short baby hairs there. She looked into the green abyss once more, then pulled Lexa towards her and pressed her lips against Lexa's. The hammering of her chest seemed to calm and transform into warm tranquility. Lexa gasped sharply as she felt Clarke's lips press tightly against her own.  She broke the kiss to look up at Lexa briefly then kissed her again, this time with more intensity. Lexa who at first had been careful and hesitant felt her passion soar as Clarke nipped at her bottom lip. She wrapped her arm around Clarke's waist and drew her closer, molding her body into Clarke's. She breathed out loudly as she changed angles and tasted Clarke's lips again and again. Their fingers curled and relaxed with every attentive change. Their lips swelled with every nip and tug, and their breathing became too erratic for them to contain it.

So eventually, they broke apart, gasping for air. They gazed at each other soberly at first. Then a small smile tugged at Lexa lips. It was Lexa who first broke the moment as she bubbled with laughter. It wasn't laughter which originated from humor, but it was laughter that originated from happiness, pure bliss. Clarke beamed. She echoed the sounds filled the brisk empty air with mirrored glee.

Clarke leaned in and pecked Lexa's lips again until she settled her head on Lexa's shoulder. "I have wanted to do that all night," Clarke admitted and felt Lexa's embrace tighten as she verbalized the words.

"Me too," Lexa replied.

"I feel less on edge with you," Clarke admitted feeling the need to have this conversation as well. Too much had gone unsaid, and this date was not only a stepping stone but also a moment so they could talk about all that had transpired and where they would go.

Lexa understood the weight of Clarke's words and nodded. "And you make me want to be more honest about what I want and what I've been through." Lexa was brushing Clarke's hair as if it was a mantra.  "I want to tell you all of that, to show you all of that." Lexa quavered.

"But there _are_ a lot of things I haven't told you yet," Lexa admitted. Clarke could hear how fast Lexa's heart was going, and she felt guilty for making the girl feel so fearful.

"I'll be here when you are ready to tell me," Clarke whispered.

"It's not because I don't trust you or don't want to, it's just hard for me to talk about it," Lexa confessed dreadfully. Clarke propped herself up on her elbow and traced Lexa's face.

"I know." Clarke mouthed. A regretful smile carved itself onto Clarke's face as the blonde spoke, "I haven't been particularly inviting you to do so in the past. Whenever you told me something, I reacted badly, so I don't blame you for being apprehensive." Clarke looked down, feeling ashamed of these last few months. She took a deep breath and insisted, "I was _wrong_ -"

"No-" Lexa protested.

"Just let me get this out." Clarke croaked.

"I was _wrong_ ," Clarke repeated as she clenched her jaw. She licked her lips and sniffed,  "These last few months my fear and my insecurity guided my actions. I was hurt, and I didn't believe in the truth of your actions or your words. And I'm _sorry_ ," She looked up and tried to convey her sorrow into her words, "I trust you now. And I _promise_ I won't be as selfish and as self-centered as I have been."

"Clarke," Lexa's voice was hushed,  "I hurt you. You had every reason to act like that," Lexa argued.

"Just because I have a good reason, doesn't mean it wasn't shitty or that I shouldn't apologize." Clarke retorted. "We've been through a lot."

She paused, then continued, "And I can't say that those insecurities won't come up again, but I promise I won't run from you or push you away." Clarke knew she was being melodramatic, which made her chuckle inwardly, but it didn't take the truth away from those words. Lexa brushed over Clarke's cheek and looked at her fondly.

"Well, then I am sorry too." Lexa murmured.  "I was wrong too, and I did a shit ton of problematic stuff." She admitted with sorrowful eyes.

Lexa looked up and breathed in tightly, "At the time, I didn't realize I wasn't ready and how hurt you would be from my actions. I didn't realize how much I felt for you until it was too late. I didn't mean to lead you on, but if I'm being honest, I _did_. I _did_ lead you on." Lexa gulped, "But Clarke, there wasn't a moment where the feelings I had for you were false. I've always-" Lexa bit her lip. "I always felt those feeling for you. I just wasn't ready-" Lexa's lips were trembling as she uttered the words.

"I know," Clarke whispered remorsefully.

"I didn't realize how scared you were too, but I do now," Lexa said sounding determined. "I know you better, so much better now," Lexa gasped out a smile which made Clarke beam. Clarke nodded. "And I think you know me better as well." Lexa piped.  "I know that I am ready for those serious feelings now- for you and that I can talk to you. I want, to be honest with you, and communicate better." Lexa rambled sounding happy and proud. Clarke breathed out relief.

"I feel those feelings too," Clarke replied softly and leaned in to kiss Lexa. Their lips met momentarily before they went back to their previous position, in which Clarke laid in Lexa's arms while gazing at the landscape above them.

Lexa snorted after a few minutes, "We are two dramatic hoes, aren't we?" She exclaimed. It still took Clarke by surprise when she heard Lexa use that kind of slang. She couldn't deny that she liked it, however.

"Tell me about it," Clarke giggled.

* * *

 

"Clarke?" Lexa murmured after two hours of basking in each other's embrace. Clarke hummed in response to Lexa's questioning tone. "I'm all in if you are," Lexa's voice shook which made Clarke bit her lip.

Her head was telling her, take your time, don't rush, do what you intended to do. Her fear was telling her. You could benefit from no labels. But her heart told her, yes, a thousand times yes. She didn't care if she was being unwise. Whether they worked on things with a label or without one, the importance was that they were working on things.

"I am," Clarke replied under her breath. Lexa's heart felt like there was a weight lifted from it. Clarke turned her head up to the brunette and asked, "So does this mean I get to kiss you anytime I want?" Lexa chuckled.

"Yeah," Lexa leaned in a pecked Clarke's lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I'm hella late with this chapter. Like I said I had my dissertation to finish and by the time I had finished, I just didn't have the energy, so I'm sorry for that. I was also very excited to write this chapter and it took me longer for that. I also deleted a whole bunch of scenes from this chapter. I am still not sure if I got it right, but eh I'm going with this version. 
> 
> Thank you for all the comments and kudos, they are always encouraging. 
> 
> See you next time, folks!


	37. Chapter 37

"Fuck," Octavia cursed as she felt Raven kissing alongside her jaw line. She was turned on, really turned on, which was nice considering she was still on the edge on how she felt sexuality wise. She smiled a little when she felt Raven grin against her skin. Raven raked her fingers across Octavia's thighs but the girl stopped her from going any further.

"I don't think- I'm-" Octavia stuttered nervously as she tried to explain she wasn't ready. Raven gazed up at her and smiled comfortingly. She brushed some of Octavia's hair behind her ear and kissed her nose.

"Tell me what is okay and what isn't." Raven stated. "The last thing I want to do is make you feel uncomfortable." In truth, Raven was so happy Octavia was even feeling anything remotely to what she felt. She would wait forever. She didn't care that much about sex, not when it came to Octavia. Raven never thought Octavia would actually feel similarly. Or at least she hoped she did.

Octavia noticed the brunette was deep in thought and raised Raven's chin so the girl would watch her.

"Hey, you don't make me feel uncomfortable." She stated genuinely. Raven nodded and gave her a tight smile. Octavia had known Raven for a long time and knew that smile. It's the smile she gave when she didn't want to talk about something. It's the smile she would give when they would talk about Finn, and Octavia would try to comfort her but it wouldn't work. It was the unconvinced smile.

"Do you believe me?" She asked Raven.

"Yeah," Raven replied.

"But?" Octavia voiced.

"But," Raven sighed looking down. "I guess I'm afraid too," She never voiced that before. She soothed Octavia's fears a few weeks back when they finally got 'together'?

Octavia cocked her head to the side and nodded solemnly.

"I know I'm attracted to you. I know that I love you," Raven's breath hitched. "I do," Octavia uttered. "I'm just not too sure where I fit in on the spectrum and how ready I am to explore 'everything'" She stated insinuating sex again.

"We don't have to do that. Not until you're ready."

"I just always kind of thought vagina's weren't all that you know?" Octavia stated unsurely. She hated that. She didn't want to reduce anyone to their genitals, but she couldn't help it. It made her feel uncomfortable. She knew what to do with a penis. She had done it before. A vagina, though- well, she didn't know how to do that. She had never considered it before. That alone made her feel uncomfortable. 

"Have you tried imagining yourself touching someone with a vagina?" Raven asked, and Octavia nodded. Raven shared Octavia's fears of eventually being rejected. She didn't want to tell Octavia that. She wanted to make her feel comfortable.

"I've been reading a lot of smut, and I like that. It turns me on." Octavia stated then blushed. Imagination wasn't the same as reality, however. She needed to work her way up to that if she ever could. 

"Yeah?" Raven's tone sounded teasing. Octavia chuckled.

"Yes," She smirks. "Stop picturing me reading lesbian smut." Octavia shoved Raven playfully. Raven laughed and hugged her tightly.

"Sorry," She muttered against Octavia's sweater. "I can't help it," She added.

"Pervert," Octavia joked. As silence idled around them Octavia's mood grew more rigid. "I just need a little time to get used to the idea. I've always understood my sexuality to be completely dependent on genitals." She explained. Raven nodded. It hurt a little but she knew where Octavia was coming from. She wasn't writing it off entirely, she just needed an adjustment period, which was acceptable.

"I like boobs, though, and ass. Boobs and ass, I have no problem with." Octavia blurted out which made Raven cackle.

"Really, well then," She wiggled her eyebrows, and Octavia rolled her eyes. Octavia climbed off Raven's lap and turned around. She found Raven's eyes on her ass.

"What? Boobs and ass right?" Raven stated playfully as she got up from the bed too.

"Let's go have breakfast, alright?" Octavia suggested.

* * *

 

"So are they back together?" Althea asked Octavia and Raven as they sat down at the breakfast table. Octavia looked at Raven and shared a pointed look.

"I'm not entirely sure," Octavia answered with a shrug.

"They seemed together the other night when I caught them making out before our rehearsal," Althea said as she took a bit from her pancake. "It was quite amusing to interrupt them." She grinned. Murphy came into the dining hall, and her eyes followed him.

"That boy has got some-" She bit her lip and shook her head.

"I cannot believe you have a thing for Murphy," Raven stated.

"It's quite the mutual thing Reyes," Althea countered as she got up to follow Murphy. Then her eyesight moved towards the happy couple she had just mentioned before. "Speak of the devils." She said bobbing her chin.

"Good morning ladies." Althea winked just as she left the table. Clarke furrowed her brows as she watched the brunette leave.

"She seems in a happy mood?"

"Well, she's just boasting that she caught you two at it." Raven piped, and Octavia scowled at her. Raven pouted which sparked a desire in Octavia to find those lips and claim them.

"Right," Clarke scratched the back of her neck. She looked at Lexa and grinned, "Well, totally worth it." She said before she pecked Lexa's lips. Then she rested her chin in her hands and looked at Lexa with watering eyes.

"Why are you doing that?" Lexa asked. She started feeling uncomfortable because Clarke' lips formed into a small pout and her eyes grew rawer. "What?" She questioned with a little more reverberation in her voice. Clarke breathed in dramatically and closed her eyes, this time the pout forming significantly. She even yammered a little.

"Clarke!" Lexa said now sounding partially annoyed and partially distressed.

"Can you get me pancakes?" The blonde peeked one eye open.

"Oh my God. Did you really just do all that for me to-" Lexa did not sound impressed.

"Well... is it working?" Clarke asked as she overdramatised the same face.

"Clarke!" Lexa squealed. She didn't like the way that face was making her feel. Her instincts were telling her to do anything to keep Clarke from looking like that. She looked so sad and helpless.

"But I really want pancakes."

"Alright, I'll get them for you-" Lexa stuttered, "You've got to stop making that face, though." Lexa whimpered.

"But no pancakes," Clarke muttered still looking at Lexa with puppy eyes. Lexa stood up sharply.

"Just stop making that face." Lexa yelped. Clarke chuckled and aggravated Lexa. "You're lucky you're cute," She said before pecking Clarke's lips and getting the blonde pancakes. Clarke simpered as she followed Lexa lining up. Her eyes did not leave her until she heard Raven's voice.

"You two are gross, "She redirected her eyes towards her friends.

"You two can talk." Clarke snorted, but Octavia's face fell as she looked around anxiously. "I mean-" Clarke bit her tongue. They weren't out.

"So are you two together now? The school is buzzing with gossip." Octavia asked immediately wanted to move on from the subject. Clarke bit the inside of her cheek nervously.

"We haven't said _that_ officially in so many words, but yeah basically," Clarke said. She sounded nervous.

"Seriously Clarke? Seriously?" Raven was laughing,  "Even Octavia and I have established-" Octavia jabbed Raven in the ribs. Seriously both of them today. They should know better. Just on cue Bellamy sat at their table and Raven gave Octavia a remorseful look.

"What's going on?" Bellamy asked.

"Well, Lexa and Clarke have still not really, not officially defined their relationship. How long has this been going on dude? Damn, just grow some ovaries and ask her to be with you." Raven explained.

"I did that once if you remember." Clarke muttered, "It didn't work out too well,"

"You asked her to be with you? I thought you only stated your feelings?" Raven drew her eyebrows together.

"Well, yeah but I was getting to that part." Clarke argued though she knew she had already lost that discussion. She had indeed never asked Lexa and was simply making excuses. "Well why does it have to be me?" Clarke questioned petulantly which caused Raven to roll her eyes.

"Clarke has a point. If Lexa wanted to be with her, they would be together right now." Bellamy muttered, but Raven scowled at him. He knew those words would affect Clarke. She was a walking ball of insecurity.

"Don't listen to him. Grow some ovaries," Raven said looking back at Clarke.

"You've said that." Clarke bit back.

"Well, it bears repeating." Raven snarked.

"What bears repeating?" Lexa asked as she presented Clarke with a plate full of pancakes. Clarke threw herself on those pancakes. "Wow, easy babe." She chuckled. Octavia watched Bellamy's face grow uncomfortable for a slight moment until it returned back to normal.

* * *

 

Clarke sat in Lexa's room with Lexa as they were watching 'Stranger things'. She was leaning her head on Lexa's shoulder but couldn't focus on the series. It was one of the best series she had seen in years but Bellamy's words stuck to her like tar. She hated that he could stir up her feelings. Anyone could at this point. She knew Lexa wanted to be with her. Hell, Lexa _was_ with her. Sometimes she felt so confident, she knew nothing could shake her, but there were still moments where she felt insecure. It wasn't like the feeling was new. She had felt insecure about their status since their first date. It came and it went. It was sticking around now, however, because other people had started asking questions and she felt embarrassed. She felt like she wasn't confident enough to give them a good answer, one that she would be proud of.  She looked up at Lexa and knew she wouldn't play her like that. Not again.

Lexa was feeling Clarke's eyes burning into her cheek and looked down as she smiled.

"You okay?" She asked as her hand was still tracing Clarke's side absent-mindedly.

"Are we together?" Clarke asked abruptly. Lexa blinked and hit the space bar to pause the series. Clarke sat up and looked at the brunette with penetrating eyes. "Are we?"

"I want to be with you. You know that right?" Lexa stated. Clarke's fear grew.

"But?" She asked. It was like she was waiting for the other shoe to drop and this was it. She was hearing Bellamy's voice in her head.

"But nothing," Lexa brought her back. She felt slender fingers tuck under her chin. "I just didn't want to rush you. I need you to trust me." Lexa explained.

"I do," Clarke urged, and Lexa smiled pitifully.

"Then why did you have a slight freak out just now?"

"Because this whole limbo thing is making me insecure." Clarke snapped a little. Lexa's throat bobbed.

"Okay, then we stop that," Lexa said genuinely.

"Okay?" Clarke echoed which made Lexa smile.

"Honey, I didn't want to push you.  I thought that's what you wanted. I've wanted you to be mine for a while, but I thought we agreed that there was still some trust issues to work out?" She stated rationally but Clarke growled under her breath.

"Yes, I know, but I _do_ trust you. I trust you to tell me the truth, to be forthcoming with me. My self-esteem issues and my insecurities though aren't going to disappear in a fortnight." She explained. Lexa smirked at Clark's choice of words.

"I don't want you to wait for me to ask you. I want you to tell me the things you want, especially if they're about me." Clarke knew she sounded a little childish. "It would make me feel less insecure if I don't have to guess how you feel and what you want."

"Okay," Lexa said seriously. "I want to be with you." She said without stuttering and looked Clarke right in the eyes. "I want you to be my girlfriend. I want us to be together. And I want to tell you stuff about my past." Lexa revealed. Clarke leaned back. It never occurred to her that that might be one of the things that was keeping Lexa from being with her.

"Wait," Clarke breathed. "When you say we need to work out trust issues, are you referring to the ones we have or the ones you think we will have?" Clarke hit the nail on the head. Lexa's eyes widened.

"Are you afraid of telling me about your past because you think I'll react badly and create more issues between us?" Clarke asked her.

"Yes," She admitted. She bit her lip. "I've been trying to find a right time. A part of me wanted to tell you before we got together officially so-" Lexa looked down.

"So it would hurt less if what you say would be a deal breaker." Clarke finished Lexa's sentence. It surprised Lexa that Clarke was so insightful. Then again it did not surprise her at all. The blonde could read people almost as well as Lexa could. Clarke sighed.

"Remember how much you need to tell me you're not leaving?" Clarke asked and Lexa nodded in return. "Well, how about I give some of that back?" She suggested but confused Lexa. 

"I'm not going anywhere. There's nothing you can tell me that will make me turn my back on you." Clarke stated determinedly. "I promise." she added.

"You haven't heard the story, though," Lexa muttered.

"I don't need to, to be sure I won't." Clarke stood her ground and Lexa nodded. Clarke leaned forward and captured Lexa's lips. "You won't get rid of me that easily." She smiled lightly and gave Lexa courage. Lexa was opening her mouth hoping to find the words, but she was drawing a blank. Where would she even start?

"Lex, I didn't mean for you to tell me now. Tell me when you're ready." Clarke stated softly.

"I am, though. Or maybe I'll never be. I'll always be scared to tell you and it'll always be hard to revisit this time of my life. I've never found a good moment to tell you. It's not like it's related to anything here." Lexa mumbled. Clarke nodded encouragingly and placed Lexa's legs on her lap. She was massaging them.

"Would questions help?" Clarke asked. Lexa shook her head.

"It's a kind of story I just want to have out at once. Besides, I don't think you would know what to ask." Clarke's hands were running over Lexa's knees. Lexa breathed.

"You know when I say I had to grow up at fourteen?" Lexa asked Clarke and the blonde nodded. "I wasn't just 'working' to get money. I was hustling." Clarke frowned she didn't know what that meant.

"It means I was doing illegal stuff. Mostly drugs and gang related. We would sell to other communities. We would import it and distribute it. I made it a condition that no one in my community was allowed to use." Lexa explained. Clarke's eyes were attentively glued to her.

"And I'm kind of skipping over parts here." Lexa sighed. The sigh turned into a frustrated groan.

"Hey, it's okay if it's jumbled." Clarke sounded soft. She looked soft. It soothed Lexa's anxious heart.

"There were gangs that were fighting, for years. Our community was shut down or neglected if you will by the government. We didn't have people picking up our garbage. Electricity would barely work. Our water was poisonous." Lexa's voice wavered. "The police wouldn't come into our neighborhood anymore because it was too dangerous." Lexa sounded angry now. "Cowards." She spat.

"So I needed to do something. People were dying every day. I already had authority because I was good at the drugs game. People listened to me. So eventually I tried to get the gangs to stop fighting. And I did!" Lexa's breath was erratic. "It took everything from me." She whimpered.

"Costia." Clarke breathed. Lexa only had to look at Clarke to confirm.

"I managed to get them all safe under me. It was working. We were getting along and getting money for the community. We had people of the community working for it. We were self-sustainable because of those drugs and our 'gang.'We held our own in conflicts with other neighborhoods." Lexa said rationally.

"I'm a pretty good shot." This shocked Clarke and Lexa noticed. "I mean-"

"No, don't stop," Clarke stated.

"Clarke,"

"Did you ever kill anyone?" Clarke asked, and Lexa looked down. There was a sharp intake of breath on Clarke's side.

"When Costia died. And then one other time. I don't aim to kill, unless it's in self-defense." She defended and Clarke nodded. It was still hard to hear. She looked at the brunette and found it so hard to reconcile the soft version of Lexa she knew, the one that wouldn't harm a fly with the one that hurt others.

"Did you ever order it?" Clarke asked, and Lexa's shameful pose answered that question. 

"Indirectly," She muttered. "I didn't want people to die, but some did as a result of what I commanded, or what I did." Lexa looked up and winced when she reached Clarke's eyes. "Clarke, I needed to protect my people. I don't know why, but they looked at me for leadership. I was only fourteen, sixteen when they all looked at me for that. I never wanted to hurt anyone or to do anything like that, but when my people are in danger-" Lexa sighed.

"The end justifies the means?" Clarke finished that sentence. Lexa could read Clarke's face. Clarke didn't understand, she was trying to, which meant a lot. It hurt to see that expression on the blonde's face. 

"I am still the same person." Lexa stated. "I look out for those I love," Lexa added. Clarke nodded, but the turmoil that was written in her eyes did not falter. Clarke knew. She agreed. That was who Lexa was. She took care of people. She tried to stop her brain from shambling. She thought back on what Lexa told her. She took a deep breath. It did make sense for her to be someone people looked at for guidance. She oozed authority. The way she walked, the way she talked, all commanded your attention.

"I never wanted this, but it's what I got." Lexa murmured. Clarke suddenly pitied Lexa. She knew how the brunette felt about her family, and now she could only imagine how she felt bout those people.

"I believe you," Clarke stated. "What happened after?"

"Costia was killed, and I couldn't bear to stay after I had let the people that had killed her into my alliance. The killing and fighting needed to stop, but I needed to stop too. I couldn't-" Her voice broke down a little. Clarke removed Lexa's legs from her lap and embraced her tightly.

"I don't think I can get into what happened afterward today," Lexa stated, and Clarke nodded.

"That's okay," She kissed her hairline and hugged her close.

Lexa looked dejected, and Clarke felt the need to tell her that what she had revealed to her wasn't a deal breaker. "Hey," She whispered. "I'm still here." She said as she squeezed Lexa's hand.

"Yeah?" Lexa sounded insecure and looked more vulnerable than the time she told her about Costia.

"I told you, it wouldn't scare me off," Clarke stated. "I'll admit, I'm-" Clarke breathed in sharply, "It's not easy for me to understand, but it's your past. Everyone has a past. It doesn't dictate your future, right? It's over." Lexa scowled.

"If they need me, I'll be there." It's like Clarke had offended her or something.

"You'd go back to that life? You'd go back to 'hustling'?" Clarke asked, and Lexa removed herself from her embrace.

"Of course I would. I was _fourteen_ when I took that responsibility on. If I felt that they needed me, now that I'm older and more capable, I would go back in a heartbeat. I would never abandon them." Clarke looked at her with widened eyes. "It's not just something that might never happen again, Clarke." She snapped. Clarke opened her mouth but no sound came out. She didn't know what to say.

"You still here?" Lexa snarked, and it hurt Clarke's feelings. She knew Lexa was only lashing out because she felt defensive about what she had done. She felt justified because her people needed her and Clarke couldn't fault her for that.

Lexa turned the series back on after she couldn't endure another second of silence. Five minutes in however Clarke hit the space bar and cupped Lexa's cheek.

"I _am_ still here." She sounded slightly angry. "I don't understand everything right away, but I'm trying," Clarke stated. She held Lexa's gaze unwaveringly.

Clarke softened her eyes and said, "I don't want to argue, please," Lexa sighed as she watched her blonde plead with her. She admitted to herself she might have overreacted a little.

"I shouldn't have reacted so strongly. I'm sorry." Lexa stated. Clarke nodded. Clarke swallowed and shoved the computer off Lexa's lap. She replaced it with herself. Lexa leaned back against the wall, but instinctively snaked her hands onto Clarke's thighs. Clarke leaned in and kissed Lexa, pouring her emotions into it. She could feel the brunette relax against her. She leaned against Lexa's forehead.

"I'm just- I'm worried about you. It scares me." She whispered and opened her eyes. Lexa's eyes grew with understanding. She wasn't rejecting Lexa, what Lexa had done or maybe what she had to do again, she was scared for her.  "I don't want you to go back to a life that's dangerous. I don't want you to be around people that could hurt you." Clarke explained. "More importantly, I don't want you to be in a situation where you have to make decisions where people get hurt. I know you. I know it's probably eating away at you." Clarke voiced, and Lexa's lips shivered. Clarke breathed and pressed her forehead against Lexa's. 

"Let's hope I don't have to." Lexa murmured and captured Clarke's lips once more. Clarke felt Lexa sniff, and when she looked up, she spotted tears. Lexa hid her face into the crook of Clarke's neck.

They stayed that way, each rubbing each other's skin, finding the raw spots and conveying their feelings into their touch. When they both reclaimed their stillness and Clarke was on the brink of falling asleep, Lexa asked, "Can we watch 'Stranger Things'?" Clarke smiled against Lexa's hair. She nodded and tried to get off Lexa's lap but the brunette halted her movements. Her face was still serious, as if it was recovering from their argument. She looked thoughtful but vulnerable. Clarke looked at her quizzically.

"I love you." Lexa's voice was lower than a whisper. Clarke's heart leapt into her throat. Clarke's next intake of air was shaky and unsure. She shuddered when she leaned into kiss Lexa. Stranger Things was long forgotten as each got lost in hesitant touches and intoxicating taste.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really like this chapter, but it's been too long. And I mean if you're till with me, you can tell my updates are not very consistent. I'm having a bit of a writer's block with this one and would rather start writing for dragontails again. I'll try to make time (for both). I mean I should, I have literally nothing to do. 
> 
> Anyways thanks for kudos and comments. 
> 
> See you next time folks.


	38. Chapter 38

Clarke giggled when she hit the door with her back. Lexa was shushing her, but the girl was far gone. Monty's moonshine really did not have the best effect on her. Lexa shook her head when she saw Clarke hunching down the door, too drunk to stand. The last two weeks had been rough on them, the conversation they had last had about Lexa's past had taken its toll in the details of their now new relationship, but they were getting through it. It also didn't help that Lexa's schoolwork was taking up most of her time.

They had had a fantastic night. They had hung out with all their friends, danced and drank, Clarke more than Lexa, which was evident now, and just had a laid back time. There was no drama, no insecurities, just fun.

Clarke placed one hand on Lexa's shoulder, then the other, with an audible slap, and attempted at holding her gaze. "You, are, the most," Clarke slurred, "You're so pretty," Clarke hunched her head so endearingly. Lexa was shaking her head more but marveled at the girl swaying in front of her.

"I miss you so much," Clarke whimpered before she leaned onto Lexa.

"I was with you all night, and I'm still here," Lexa pointed out with an amused smile.

"Yes, but I barely saw you this week." Clarke pouted and created a small pile of guilt in Lexa's chest. "

"I'm sorry, baby," She offered, but Clarke shook her head.

"No, it's not your fault, but I do _miss- you!"_ The girl was raising her voice, and Lexa had to shush her again. She chuckled.

"Come on, let's get you to bed."

"Octavia!" Clarke shouted sounding excited, and Lexa had to muffle her voice. Octavia and Raven had gone home early, so she would be asleep. It was three in the morning and not only would she wake up Octavia, but she would wake up the whole damn building. She snaked her hands in Clarke's pocket earning a gasp from the blonde.

"I like where this is going," Clarke's playful revelation colored Lexa's cheek in a dark shade of red. Clarke reached out and started kissing Lexa's neck, completely distracting the girl from her task. It wasn't the first time things were getting heated, but they never managed to take things to the next level, and Lexa was certain this was _not_ the right time considering Clarke's was utterly and completely off her face. The other reason was the constant fear someone would walk in on them, because they had been walked in on, on several occasions by either Monty or Octavia and Raven- yes those two had become a package deal of late.

"Clarke-" Lexa breathed, untangling herself from the girl's grasp. "Stop," She smiled and finally located the girl's keys. She fumbled a little until she managed to turn the lock silently. When Lexa peeked her head inside to herd Clarke quietly, she realized Octavia wasn't there. Her shoulders slumped, and she closed the door behind them while turning on a night light.

"She's not here," Clarke murmured sadly. It wasn't a secret Clarke had started feeling slightly left out as her two friends were, understandingly so, spending more time with each other alone. "Big surprise there," Clarke muttered as she sat down and thought Lexa looked particularly beautiful with the orange light coloring the lighter strands of her hair golden.

Lexa was still looking for Clarke's pajamas, but Clarke husked, "Leave it. Just- come here," Lexa breathed in tightly, feeling Clarke's tone of voice crawl down her skin, alongside her breasts, rippling down her thighs and flushing her core. Clarke giggled when Lexa bobbed her throat, knowing what effect she had. God did she want her.

"You're trouble," Lexa scolded teasingly as she sat down next to the blonde. Clarke didn't respond, she simply replied by pulling Lexa down with her and kissing her.  Clarke found Lexa's ass quickly with Monty's moonshine backing her spirit. 

"Clarke-" Lexa whispered. "You're drunk." Lexa pointed out while resting her elbows alongside Clarke's face. Clarke flipped them around, not content with that comment, but as she moved upwards, a little too quickly, her head spun, and she felt sick.

"Uh oh," She mumbled and got off Lexa's lap to run to her bathroom. Her knees hit the ground right in time before the vomit gurgled up her throat and hit the water. Lexa ran after her and held her hair up while rubbing her back.

"I'm sorry," Clarke cried, but Lexa hushed her. It didn't last long, Clarke pretty much emptied her stomach within two minutes. She flushed the toilet and was breathing erratically as she held the toilet bowl. Her eyes stung, and a few tears waddled down her cheek.

"Come on," Lexa helped her up and put toothpaste on her toothbrush.

"I'm really sorry Lex," Clarke whimpered, but Lexa chuckled.

"It's okay baby. We've all been there," She said kissing Clarke's head. Lexa started unzipping Clarke's dress with her eyes closed.

"You can look you know?" Clarke, now completely sober, murmured as she leaned back into Lexa's embrace. Lexa opened her eyes but kept her gaze on Clarke's face. The only time her eyes diverted was when she helped Clarke step out of her dress. The girl stood in her underwear and bra, and Lexa went to retrieve the pajamas she had spotted in Clarke's closet. Meanwhile, without thinking Clarke discarded her bra because she didn't sleep with one. When Lexa re-entered the bathroom, however, she turned around quickly and screwed her eyes shut.

"God, give a girl some warning, Clarke-" Lexa stuttered. Clarke chuckled and approached the girl from behind and reached out for her pj's.

"Sorry," She quickly pulled the shirt over her head and added, "You can open your eyes now." Clarke smiled. She pecked Lexa's lips and simpered. "I just feel really comfortable around you, and I'm probably still buzzed which is helping but-" Clarke tightened her lips, feeling shy, "Doesn't make it any less true,"

Lexa's face softened, and slowly a loving smile tugged at Lexa's lips. She cornered Clarke against the wall and kissed her. There was little passion to their embrace, but the kiss conveyed her raw emotions.

"Come on. You need to get to sleep," Lexa ordered and backed Clarke into the bed. She laid her down and tucked her in, kissing her forehead.

"Stay," Clarke asked and her voice hoarse from the night. Lexa hesitated, she bit her lip but eventually agreed.

"Okay," She whispered.

* * *

 

Waking up to Lexa felt like coming home to Clarke. The last time she woke up to Lexa was back at Christmas, at her grandparents' house. She leaned on her elbow and traced Lexa's face with soft fingers. It felt so amazingly different. Allowing herself to be with Lexa, really be with her, made Clarke realize how well she knew Lexa's body language. How Lexa would hold her arms together, by grasping her arm, behind her back when she felt nervous for example. Or how she would count the rings on her fingers right before stepping on stage. Or how she would run her hand through her hair over and over again after coming back from the pool. She was so occupied with her own fears before she had not registered how much she knew, and how now, things appeared to be so amazingly familiar like they had been together for ages.

She hadn't told Lexa she loved her back yet. It wasn't because she was scared, but it felt like it was something so important to say, she wanted to find the best moment to tell her. It almost felt like a proposal. Clarke smirked at her own thread of thoughts. The sun was peeking from underneath the curtains which told Clarke that it was almost midday.

A small sigh escaped from Lexa's lips after she woke up and felt Clarke's fingers tracing her features. She smiled and without opening her eyes wrapped her arms around Clarke's waist and curled into her, effectively hiding her face in the crook of Clarke's neck. She breathed in Clarke's smell and refused to open her eyes because that meant she would have to get up.

"Morning," Clarke husked into Lexa's ear. Lexa groaned and nuzzled Clarke's skin.

"Five more minutes," Lexa mumbled while rubbing circles over Clarke's back. It's funny how touching someone else's body could give her this much comfort.

"We don't have to get up if you don't want to," Clarke chuckled and finally Lexa peeked from under the girl's blonde hairs. Lexa's right arm was resting over her head, and Clarke greedily entwined their hands before she leaned in and rubbed their noses together.

"How's your head?" Lexa asked her hand kneading Clarke's hip.

"It's fine, just feels a little tense but definitely not a hangover." Clarke declared. Lexa marveled at the blonde above her and embraced the silence. Then she leaned forward with tingles in the pit of her stomach and kissed her. Her hands found their way under Clarke's shirt and enjoyed the warmth there.

Every time Lexa's hands passed by Clarke's side she wished that just once the girl would redirect her hands and give her breasts the attention they were desperately seeking. Lexa was respectful, frustratingly so. After all, Lexa was the experienced one. Clarke hardly knew what she was doing, but whatever it was, she craved for it. Clarke leaned further into Lexa and coaxed her mouth open with her tongue. Clarke found confidence in the whimper that escaped Lexa's mouth when their tongues crazed one another. It was playful and light until Clarke allowed her body more power than she intended to.

Without meaning to, as if her body had taken control, her thigh slipped between Lexa's legs and felt Lexa's hand, which had fit around her body, halt on her hip. The brunette looked up at her, eyes wide which immobilized Clarke completely. The girl froze above her and blinked. Lexa didn't tell her to stop, to get off, and the two simply watched each other breathe, watched each other's eyes flicker. Clarke tentatively pushed forward and watched Lexa close her eyes while her mouth hung open and only a light gasp echoed through the room. Lexa was shuddering and so warm beneath her. Lexa's hand curled tightly around Clarke's hip, but there was no rejection in her actions. Her lips called for her, and so Clarke grazed Lexa's plump lips, only for a moment, still enamored by the vision beneath her.

Clarke bit her lip and focused solely on her movements, which felt so particular, because she was so nervous. All her blood seemed to rush to her center, and she moaned loudly when she felt Lexa wet on her thigh. She widened her eyes but never halted her movements. She had had sex before, but having the girl she loved, powerless and wet beneath her, aroused her more than ever. She couldn't figure out whether it was the girl part, the Lexa part, or the _love_ part that had caused it, perhaps it was all of it.

Clarke kissed her once more and snaked her hands up Lexa's thighs, dragging her into her knee with one swift motion.

"Fuck-" Lexa cursed and lifted her own knee between Clarke's legs finding throbbing heat there. Without wasting another moment, she pulled Clarke down harshly and kissed her avidly because the sudden craving for Clarke's lips was like a fever. Clarke realized only then that Lexa's legs were bare and unrelenting in their grip around her own. Lexa shuffled up, seeking contact and that's when Clarke gave another experimental push that had them both moaning and lurching uncontrollably into one another.

"Clarke-" Lexa husked and opened her eyes, licking Clarke's bottom lip. Clarke quivered with pleasure and pressed their foreheads together. They could hardly catch their breaths. Clarke curled her hands in the fabric of the sheet, above Lexa's head, and realized how much she needed Lexa in every way possible, how difficult it would be to imagine her life without her now. A few months ago, that thought alone would have had her terrified and running for the hills, but now enticed her to express how she felt more.

She lowered her body to Lexa's and gave another bold rock of her hips, loving the way that Lexa whimpered helplessly. Clarke found pleasure in the power she had, though she didn't want to push Lexa. She wanted Lexa to be able to tell her to stop if that's what she wanted, for she would do so at this point, so when she finally found a steady rhythm, her movements remained tentative and careful. Lexa didn't say anything. Instead, she mimicked Clarke's rhythm and nibbled on Clarke's pulse point showing the blonde how much she wanted her too. Both their bodies strung tighter with each movement, their skin hot and desperate and then finally their mouths joined the embrace, tasting each other's lips and skin.

Lexa's hands flattened on Clarke's stomach to lift her shirt over her head, but before she could do so, the lock of the door turned and with that the presence of Clarke's body was gone.

"Hey, Clarkey!" Octavia chanted when she and Raven entered the room. Thankfully the room was dark enough to cover both of their ruby colored faces. Lexa looked at Clarke who was flattening down her disheveled hair and reminded Lexa of her own.

"And Lexa," Raven smirked as she opened the curtains and the brunette quickly made work of her hair, pulling it into a ponytail by using the hair band which rested on the nightstand. " _Well_...How did you two spend your night?" Raven teased.

Clarke quickly bit back, "How did you?" Her tone was irritated, and it surprised the three others. Clarke stood up and barged into the bathroom while closing the door behind her. Awkwardly Lexa waited for the inevitable sound of a shower and looked at the other two.

"Damn," Octavia widened her eyes. The two sat on Octavia's bed awkwardly while Lexa covered herself with the blanket. She eyed her pants that were lying on the floor and wished the two would leave so she could at least get dressed.

When Clarke finished her shower a few minutes later, she came out of the bathroom, still seemingly grumpy, which evidently confused Lexa. Clarke saw that Lexa was still undressed and looked unsettled. She sighed and picked it up then handed it gently to Lexa.

Raven cleared her throat and said, "So they're serving Mac n Cheese downstairs if you guys want to have some food with us." She smiled but somehow Clarke didn't seem to react. Lexa wanted to ask what was wrong, but then she remembered that Octavia hadn't come home and she hadn't told Clarke, and this was one of the many little things that made Clarke feel completely left out.

Sometimes when they watched a movie together, her phone would buzz and when Lexa asked if she was going to answer it, she would reply _'It's probably Raven getting back to me three days after I ask to hang out to tell me she can't.'_

"I guess," Clarke muttered. Raven looked at Octavia and shifted awkwardly.

"Damn girl. If I'd known blue balls made you this grumpy, we would've left you guys to it and gone do something else on our own." Raven snapped and Clarke's eyes filled with hurt.

"Well, that would surprising, you two blowing me off to spend time together." Clarke hated the way she sounded. They had every right to spend time together, alone, just like she and Lexa did. She just missed her friends.

"We hung out yesterday." Octavia pointed out.

"No, we met up with the whole group and you guys left after an hour while barely paying any attention to anyone else. If you're trying to keep your relationship on the down low, you're doing a poor job." Clarke chided, but she didn't feel like she had a right.

Clarke looked at the astonished look on her friends and regretted her outburst. She sighed. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that," she deplored and got up.

"No- Clarke-" Octavia fretted.

"It's fine O', I'm just hungry and tired, and yeah you kind of-" She looked at Lexa who still sat there undressed. She widened her eyes. "Shit, can you guys give us a minute so she can-" Clarke got distracted by Lexa's state of dress.

Octavia scowled at Raven who was still sitting on the bed. The girl quickly stood up as if she was still processing what Clarke told her. "Clarke, come on you're still our wife, the whole-" Raven was stuttering and trying to backtrack from the last weeks of cancellations and neglect she realized she had inflicted on her friend.

"I'm not in the mood for jokes, Rae-" Clarke sighed and realized they wouldn't leave with her still in the room as well. She opened the door and walked outside with her friends on her tail as she had expected. She closed the door and waited for Lexa to get ready. She rubbed her eyes painfully as she leaned against the pale wall.

Octavia looked at Raven, who was looking back at her with the same guilty expression. During the time that they had been figuring things out between them, they had unintentionally deserted Clarke. They had just gotten caught up with each other and considering Clarke was with Lexa and happy they didn't regard Clarke, but on the other hand, Raven did feel slightly annoyed. She was allowed to spend time with her...with Octavia.

"Are we really that obvious?" Octavia asked to break the silence, and it made Clarke sigh. She knew how sensitive the subject was for Octavia and she felt ashamed that she had mentioned it.

"You can be..." Clarke muttered. "But it's okay, no one cares. Everyone is happy for you,"

"Everyone?" Octavia stuttered, "Who else knows? Who suspects?"

"Not Bellamy," Clarke replied knowing that was the only answer Octavia cared about. She watched the girl slump back, seemingly relieved. "I'm sorry for bursting out like that. You have every right to spend time together." Clarke expressed. She had expected Raven and Octavia to spend time alone, but deep down she had never realized how different things would be. They had canceled on her on more than once, hell more than three times consecutively in the last three weeks and Clarke had kept her mouth shut, understanding the situation. It didn't mean she didn't miss her friends and the embarrassment of this morning had laced the irritation in her heart, and she had expressed that feeling poorly.

Before either girl could reply to her, Lexa walked out, now fully clothed. "Sorry, continue, I'll be getting that Mac n Cheese."

"No wait, Lex." Clarke grasped Lexa's hand, finding comfort there. "It was a good idea Rae. We can go if you still want to." Clarke tried.

* * *

 

The lunch had been awkward and even though both sides had attempted at starting a conversation, an awkward silence penetrated their interaction. Clarke remained quiet, even as she walked Lexa to her therapy session. Her mother wanted to see her, and her office was a little beyond the medical center.

"I think you should try talking to them again," Lexa exclaimed after a while. "Communication is key, even if it's not with me." She piped but then added, "That wasn't meant to rhyme." Lexa's awkwardness tore laughter from Clarke's lips.

"You're cute," She beamed, but then her face fell, "And yeah I know, I will. I just feel unjustified, probably cause I am so it's a hard subject to breach."

"Yeah I get that, but I don't think it's completely unfair to want to hang out with your two best friends. They've been blowing you off more often than not." Lexa pointed out angrily. She hated watching her girlfriend's mood turn blue every time either Raven or Octavia ignored her or canceled on her last minute. She understood being in love and having a new relationship, in that situation, you would see nothing else, she understood that better than anyone. The amount of time she spent with Clarke was a testimony of that, but she still made time to hang out with Niylah, alone. She made sure, Monty and she had their weekly noodle night, albeit sometimes with Clarke when Monty asked if she would join.

Clarke cracked a small smile and entwined their fingers, "Thanks," She leaned her head on Lexa's shoulder. "They have a right, though. I just miss them." Clarke confessed and felt Lexa respond with a chaste kiss on her head.

"Alright, here we are. " Lexa swung their hands from one side to another. "Good luck with your mom," She teased, and Clarke shook her head.

"God, what if she tells me she's marrying Marcus." Clarke blanched.

"He is not _that_ bad," Lexa argued while she chuckled. Clarke widened her eyes with confusion.

"He only cooks with cauliflower. He's weird." Clarke stated feeling uncomfortable. "Just so you know, you're coming next time,"

"Oh am I?" Lexa arched her eyebrows. She had been terribly busy and missed the last two dinners at Abby's place. She remembered the first dinner after they had gotten together (unofficially), it had been awkward.

"Yes, you're not leaving me alone this time." Clarke declared determinedly, and Lexa continued chuckled. She then leaned in to capture Clarke's lips.

"I'll see if I can fit you in my tight schedule." She teased, echoing Clarke's words from earlier that day and Clarke punched her lightly on the arm.

"Asshole," she joked, and Lexa raised her arms in defense, which allowed her to see her watch. Her cheerful disposition quickly turned frightful.

 "Shit, I really have to go!" She urged checking her watch. "Okay, love you," She muttered quickly before pecking Clarke's lips one last time.

"I love you too," Clarke replied but then snapped her mouth shut. Lexa turned on her heels and mimicked Clarke's astonished expression that quickly softened and transformed into a smile.

"I mean- no!" Clarke yammered.

"No?" Lexa questioned.

"I mean- yes," Clarke sounded frustrated. She didn't want to say it like this!

"Which one is it?" Lexa asked with a playful tone to her voice. Clarke pouted and looked up from under her lashes.

"I wasn't supposed to say it now, not like this. I wanted to like- I don't know, make a gesture. I wanted to show you," Clarke whined while moving her arms around fervently.

"You do," Lexa laughed and circled her arms around her girlfriend, and kissing her nose. "I can always forget you've said it and you can make a whole thing about it." Lexa maintained.

"No," Clarke muttered.

"You sure? I promise I'll act really surprised next time you tell me," Lexa grinned but Clarke rolled her eyes playfully.  

"No, because that would make it look like I wasn't ready, I am, I've been, I just wanted to be romantic for once," Clarke babbled.

"For _once_? Baby, you never doing anything without dramatic flair," Lexa pointed out. 

"And I maintain what I said before. You're an ass, but I do love you," Clarke murmured, and it caused flutters in Lexa's chest.

"I love you too," She responded but the opening of the automatic doors behind them when a student walked out reminded Lexa just how late she was. "I still have to go," She uttered as she hurried off but not before yelling, "And be nice to your mom!"

"Yeah, yeah," Clarke chuckled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter was kind of short... I've said it before I'm struggling to find the motivation and inspiration to keep writing this one, but I really didn't want to discontinue this or make you wait more than 3 weeks. -_- 3 weeks honestly. I'm sorry. 
> 
> Anyways I hoped you did enjoy the chapter and I'm always thankful for your kudos and comments. 
> 
> See you next time folks!


	39. Chapter 39

Clarke pushed Lexa forcefully against the door which gave her the opportunity to mold their bodies together.

"You in that fucking sweater," Clarke gasped and her hands anchored themselves behind Lexa's neck. When she saw Lexa earlier at lunch with her pink sweater that just covered her leggings covered ass, her mind instantly went to how Lexa's body would feel against her. Add ankle boots with heels to that, and you got a very excited Clarke.

"You like that huh?" Lexa teased, and in return, she felt Clarke smile against her lips and enticing a smug feeling beneath her skin. She liked this kind of power. She hadn't had a partner where she could spark such feelings. Clarke would jump on her for the oddest reasons, if she smelled like chlorine or if she wore one of those oversized sweaters as she did today. Lexa enjoyed figuring out what made the blonde tick. Sometimes she felt insecure about her own 'sparks' so to speak. She wanted Clarke, but more often than not it was something emotional that would ignite a flame within her, not physical stimuli.

Clarke was teaching her the art of playing. Making out or... more had always exclusively come from a place of feelings for Lexa, but Clarke made it a game, a thoroughly enjoyable game. Lexa nipped at Clarke's neck which pulled a groan from her throat. As a reaction Clarke pushed Lexa back, so much, the girl fell on the bed, after the back of her knees had hit the mattress.

"I do like that, very much," Clarke husked and climbed on top of Lexa and pressed a searing kiss against Lexa's lips. Clarke tangled her hands in Lexa's hair but knowing Clarke, Lexa gripped her hands and playfully urged them away from her. She tugged both arms behind Clarke's back. Clarke whined wanting to touch Lexa.

"Babe-" Clarke whimpered.

"Don't move a muscle," Lexa whispered making Clarke moan the minute her tongue hit Clarke's skin, right below her ear.

"God, I love you," Clarke gasped as she felt the pressure between her legs increase. She wanted this, so badly. The only reason they hadn't gone any further was that everyone kept interrupting them and it had seriously started to infuriate her. Perhaps they needed to plan it, though that required having a conversation about it, and that was one of the few things that still scared Clarke.

Lexa's hands paused at the hem of Clarke's shirt. She looked up, silently asking for Clarke's consent. Clarke nodded, but Lexa's pace was so slow she wanted to rip her own shirt off. As if on time, though, right as her shirt was traveling over her breasts, Clarke's phone rang, obnoxiously announcing Octavia's ringtone.

"Fuck," Clarke cursed under her breath and just as easy as Lexa had lifted the shirt, the shirt returned to its original state. Clarke rested her head against Lexa's shoulders to yammer incomprehensibly.

 _The world does not want me to have sex_ , rang in her mind. She huffed and grabbed her phone off the nightstand.

"Octavia," Clarke muttered before she answered, "Hey O'" She said trying to sound less agitated while Lexa's hands looped around her waist to rub her back, which eased her mood.

 _"Hey! I'm not interrupting you am I?"_ Octavia asked. Clarke almost wanted to bite back and ask if that was a joke. Yes, of course, she was interrupting something, but Clarke was the one that had overreacted a few days prior, after feeling a little neglected by her friends, so she could hardly treat Octavia in a similar manner she was accusing them of.

"No," Clarke looked at Lexa who arched an eyebrow.

 _"Ah good. So I'm calling because I think we should have a trinity night."_ Octavia revealed. Clarke knitted her brows together and felt her heart pinch with joy.

"Really?" Clarke asked sounding insecure.

 _"Yes!"_ She heard Octavia sigh before she added, _"Look, Clarke, I'm sorry about this last month. I told you nothing would change and that's the opposite of what happened. There's still no hierarchy in the Trinity, I promise,"_ Octavia assured and Clarke felt a little guilty.

"No, you're allowed to-" Clarke crawled off Lexa's lap and sat against the wall with her feet poking Lexa's thigh. "I'm sorry too," She admitted and watched a small smile form on Lexa's lips because the brunette had been waiting for Clarke to make up with the other two troublemakers. Clarke, however, was still atrocious at confrontation and was taking her good ol' time gathering her nerve, which allowed Octavia to beat her to it.

_"I don't blame you, honey, let's just have a girls night, just the three of us, huh?"_

"Yes, yes, I'd love that!" Clarke beamed and felt Lexa play with her toes. Clarke shot her a warning look, but it only encouraged the girl further. Lexa started trailing kisses up and down Clarke's leg and in the process baffled the blond, so much, Clarke felt pinned to the bed. Her mind muted Octavia's voice for a second while she watched Lexa prowl over her.

It was when she felt an undeniable wetness cause her underwear to easily slide forward that she cleared her voice and refocused on Octavia's call.

 _"So is that okay for you?"_ Octavia asked, but Clarke was still recovering. The blonde blinked.

"Sorry, I zoned out for a second, can you repeat that?" She asked, and Octavia obliged but not without a disapproving scold.

 _"I asked if you were free tonight? I know it's last minute, and we can do it another time, but Dragrace All Stars is premiering, and I thought you'd like that."_ Octavia explained which made Clarke smile. Clarke frowned at Lexa who had her head resting on her palms as she laid on her stomach with her crossed feet in the air. She was smirking, and Clarke realized this was probably payback when she had teased Lexa while she had been calling Anya a few days back.

"Yes, O' that's perfect. I'm looking forward to it!" She admitted excitedly. She wasn't lying, she couldn't wait.

 _"Great! See you in a bit!"_ Octavia squealed into the phone. Clarke mumbled some form of goodbye into the phone before she threw it on the bed and crawled on top of Lexa after she had turned her around on her back.

"You're in so much trouble," Clarke pointed out.

"Am I?" Lexa simpered, almost daring Clarke to wipe that smile off her face.

"You think I'm just going to let you get away with that kind of behavior while I'm on the phone?" Clarke questioned, and Lexa bit her lip.

"What are you going to do about?" Lexa teased and sounded overly seductive, which indicated she wasn't serious although she did trail her finger up Clarke's leg to add insult to injury. Clarke laughed, breaking their little game but not before swatting Lexa's finger away.

"Trouble," Clarke smiled lovingly and kissed Lexa, before pecking her nose. She rolled off Lexa and instead curled into her side. As an automatic habit, Lexa's hands tangled with the blonde locks. "I'm having a trinity night, later," Clarke grinned and watched Lexa looked down at her.

"That's great, baby," She responded and kissed Clarke's lips. Clarke grimaced looking guilty.

"I know what you're thinking. I was going to call them. I was just-"

"Taking your time," Lexa interjected which caused Clarke to pout. With a giggle, Lexa captured Clarke's lips again. Clarke wasn't perfect, but she didn't need to be. She had almost started finding it endearing, almost being the key word.

They remained curled up together for another few minutes until Lexa realized Clarke hadn't relaxed, which was unusual given the position they were in. She looked down and found Clarke looking up at the ceiling, but not in her 'I'm zoning out comfortably' way.

"Penny for your thoughts." She whispered onto Clarke's head, tickling the hair there. Clarke's eyes darted in Lexa's direction, and she wondered how she was going to admit all she was thinking about was how they never seemed to get to the point she wanted them to. She could hardly just respond, 'Sex, with you in particular and how everyone keeps stopping us,'

"Clarke," Lexa echoed while the girl had been staring at her.

"Uhh-" Clarke blushed, "It's a little embarrassing," She admitted. By the rhythm of Clarke's chest, Lexa understood how nervous Clarke was and could already guess the subject.

"Is this about before and where that could've led to?" Lexa questioned, hitting the nail on the head. Lexa chuckled and kissed Clarke's lips. "I think we should have this conversation," Lexa concluded and with that Clarke sat up, placing her weight on her right elbow.

"Yeah, me too," Clarke trembled nervously. Lexa reached out to brush Clarke's hair out of her face.

"I love you," Lexa reminded Clarke which thankfully relaxed the blonde a little.

"I love you too," Clarke smiled, almost laughed because sometimes she still couldn't believe they were together and happy. They were the real deal and that reminder alone boosted Clarke with sufficient confidence to broach the subject. Clarke sat up completely and crossed her legs under her.

"I- I want you," Clarke admitted shyly but kept some coolness in her words. Those words, materialized on Clarke's lips, inflamed Lexa with sweltering desire. "I've never been with a girl before-" Clarke said awkwardly and it hadn't even occurred to Lexa that that would be something that was on Clarke's mind. "But it doesn't feel like that?" Clarke sounded unsure. "You make me feel like- everything we do is organic and doesn't feel forced, but we keep getting disrupted-" Clarke huffed but halted her words when she heard Lexa's chuckle.

"Yeah, the universe really doesn't want use to have sex," Lexa stated quite bluntly, echoing Clarke's earlier thoughts.

"So you want to?" Clarke asked, and Lexa cocked her head sideways with a smirk written on her face that told Clarke the answer to that question was self-evident, which in turn caused Clarke to blush. "I kind of need you to say it," Clarke admitted.

"I want you," Lexa replied quickly, dragging herself towards Clarke. "In every way," She added as entwined their fingers.

"Maybe we should find a way, so we don't get interrupted?" Clarke suggested carefully. "I don't want anything to be forced, though, it's not because we both want to that we both want to at all times, so even if we plan like-" She cleared her throat awkwardly, "An evening or something, there's no obligation, you know? It'll be an evening of spending time together where we're sure we won't be hindered, no pressure at all." Clarke ranted, and if it weren't how cute Lexa thought Clarke to be when she rambled nervously like that, she would've interrupted her with a kiss.

"No pressure at all," Lexa simpered, and Clarke punched her arm playfully light.

"I'm being serious, Lex,"

"Me too. Okay, let's plan an evening," Lexa sat up and gave Clarke an encouraging smile.

"Right now?" Clarke questioned nervously as the reality of such an evening weighed on her. She wasn't nervous, well not that was a lie, of course, she was nervous. When things were planned, they seemed so much more important. As long as things weren't expected, she could still chicken out and not discuss the fact that she was chickening out. Now that everything was out in the open, she felt incredibly anxious, which of course Lexa had noticed.

"Hey, hey, talk to me," Lexa told her.

"I just-" Clarke frowned, confused at her own feelings. She just told Lexa she felt comfortable, and that it didn't feel forced or- perhaps because they were planning now it would feel forced. Clarke sighed. "I'm nervous. If we plan, I feel like we'll have to," Clarke's brows knitted together tighter. That whole rant about insisting there would be no pressure appeared to be something Clarke was telling herself rather than Lexa.

"You just said it wouldn't though," Lexa pointed out hesitantly.

"Yeah, for you I mean. I would never want to pressure you, and I know you wouldn't ever pressure me, I'm talking about the pressure I'd put on myself. Ugh, this is so stupid." Clarke complained, but it created laughter in Lexa's chest.

"Okay, let's not plan it then,"

"No," Clarke whimpered. She wanted to organize it. Clarke groaned, "I think I'm PMSing, my feelings are all over the place," Clarke grumbled, so instead of trying to make sense of what Clarke was saying, Lexa reached out and held the blonde tightly.

"How about we have a date night and a sleepover, in fact, how about we have more than one, that way you don't have to feel pressured? It could happen over time. We already spend a lot of time together, let's just make it more secure."

"We'd sleep at my mom's house?" Clarke pondered out loud, but she wasn't too keen on the idea. Her mother did have irregular hours, and she slept at Marcus' place most nights these days. Clarke shuddered, wanting that image out of her mind.

"Only if you want to," Lexa murmured.

"I want to, it'd be cool. We could almost play house," Clarke joked. Lexa mimicked Clarke's expression, but leaned forward and captured her lips while tightening her grip around Clarke's waist.

"Okay, then it's settled." Lexa beamed but peeked her head over Clarke to check the time. "I have to go soon, though," She said looking back at Clarke who was already sulking. She tittered and pressed their lips together. When they broke apart, Lexa suddenly breathed anxiously and rested her head in the crook of Clarke's neck.

"I have my review tonight," Lexa gulped nervously and felt Clarke kiss her hairline.

"You'll be great. You've been working your ass off. I know 'cause I barely saw you these last few weeks." Clarke joked, but then straightened her face, "I heard your mix if Roan dislikes it, he's crazy." Clarke assured her.

* * *

 

"Hey guys," Clarke said as she entered Raven's room. Octavia basically lived there nowadays, Clarke even suspected her having her own shelf.

"Clarkey! My harem is finally complete. Cause you know without you-" Raven put her hand on her heart dramatically."There's just-" She acted as if her voice broke.

"Alright!" Clarke pushed her playfully. "Since when did I become the one you pester? I thought that's what Octavia's for," Clarke smirked, and immediately Octavia stepped out of the bathroom with her hands on her hips.

"Oh she still does, you just haven't seen it-" She stuttered and swallowed her words awkwardly. "She trolls me, you both do. I'm happy you're taking some of the heat, you should." Octavia muttered as she went back into the bathroom, finishing what were most likely the cocktails for tonight.

It still felt kind of awkward, now that Octavia and Raven were together. Soon enough, however, that feeling dissipated, especially after a drink or two and they fell back into a familiar rhythm. Octavia had downed a whole pitcher and had gotten drunk by the time the episode ended.

 "I have a controversial opinion," Clarke announced, and the other girls perked up. "I love Adore, but I really don't like her singing," Clarke's voice went up and she bent down as if she was trying to hide or block the other two. Octavia gaped at her.

"What the fuck Clarke?" She squealed.

"Honey, if Clarke doesn't like-" Raven attempted, but Octavia held up her hand dramatically.

"No, Adore is my bae-" Octavia urged with big eyes and slurred words.

"I cannot believe you just said bae." Raven pointed out.

"I can say bae, you're my bae, and Clarke is my bae, and Adore is my bae-" Octavia was raving sounding positively wasted.

"I wonder what she put in here," Raven chuckled to Clarke. "Yes, dear. We're all baes, poop in Danish. " Raven giggled and raised her glass to that.

"I am not poot-poop," Octavia slurred and leaned on Clarke while whimpering. "I'm not poop. Everyone else is poop! Fat poop!" Octavia fell down to the ground and cackled. Clarke laughed and hugged the girl tightly.

"Now I can see why you chased after this one." Clarke winked at Raven, who, unconventionally, had remained sober. Normally, Raven would have replied with a witty remark but instead Clarke watched a loving expression appear on Raven's face. It didn't last long because soon enough Raven challenged Clarke with some playful banter.

"I mean, how could say no to non-poop in this poop world?" Raven later on questioned.

Later that night, after they all downed a few more drinks, the conversation steered towards the subject of Clarke's sex life.

"So, you tapping that?" Raven said with a deep voice but couldn't contain her laughter which caused Clarke to shake her head.

"Well, no-" Clarke sounded unsure. "I want to, but we keep getting to a point where I think 'Okay this is it' but then we getting interrupted by someone," Clarke said looking very pointedly at both Raven and Octavia.

"Hey, if you wanted to have sex, all you have to do is put a sock on the door!" Octavia sounded garbled. "I have a bed somewhere," She pointed out.

"Yes, baby," Raven laughed.

"No, a sock on the door makes it so awkward. It takes everything away from how normal things can go and stuff-" Clarke huffed.

Then Octavia sat up but not before regretfully looking at Raven, "Rae, I'm going ask Clarke a question. And I don't want you to take it like badly," Octavia stuttered drunkenly.

"How about I go to the bathroom, that way I don't take it at all," Raven announced and sprung up, heading towards the public bathrooms in the halls, outside of their room, instead of inside to give the two ample time.

Clarke arched an eyebrow at Octavia and watched her friend take a deep breath. "You've never been with a girl right?"

"No," Clarke shrugged, but she saw Octavia continuously become more nervous.

"Yeah me neither," Octavia muttered. "I love Raven. I really do, like butterflies even-" Octavia breathed and smiled widely. "I get nervous about sex, though." Octavia drew her eyebrows together tightly, "We've done stuff, and I really want to go further, but I'm afraid she'll expect things? What if I don't like it enough? I keep reading stuff like they love the taste of a woman's-"

"Uhuh," Clarke said awkwardly.

"But I don't like that, not with anyone-" Octavia grimaced. "Maybe my libido is just off? Is that a thing? I never loved sex the way people described it. I mean I like it and the intimacy that comes with it, but I don't love licking off sweat or... other juices or in general. I'm neutral-" Octavia scowled.

"Right?" Clarke asked. "So?"

"So, that's not normal. Raven always acts like she loves it more than food, more than anything. What if I don't love it enough? What if she thinks I'm not gay enough?" Octavia sputtered, and for the first time, Clarke realized that Octavia hadn't confided in her about her relationship with Raven or her sexuality. How conflicted had she been feeling? Clarke could imagine Octavia didn't confide in her because she didn't want to make it awkward for their friendship, which made Clarke sad because she wanted to be there, gladly. Clarke also realized what kind of progress she had made but how insecure Octavia still was. She imagined the distance she had felt between them these last few weeks was the distance that Octavia had felt while she was 'dating' Lexa.

"O' everyone is different. Some people really relish in it, and others don't."

"Do you?" Octavia asked and by that time Raven had returned.

"Does Clarke what?" She asked as she sat down, with her legs crossed under her.

"Do I relish in sex," Clarke answered and watched Octavia sit back a little as if to cower away uncomfortably. "I enjoy different things that have to do with sex. I relish in the power play, the playfulness, not necessarily the physical taste. I like playing."

"I just love it all," Raven joked, and Clarke watched Octavia grin, but it didn't reach her eyes. Clarke assumed Raven must've noticed too because after that the brunette cleared her throat and asked if they wanted to watch something else.

* * *

 

"All the girls say, sashay chantey, panther on the runway! Do it, do it, oooh!" Octavia was singing as the three of them walked to Clarke's and Octavia's room. Clarke had left Uno there, and Octavia had insisted upon accompanying her because she wanted an outfit change, so Clarke had glared at Raven and with it had told her she could not let her go alone with Octavia.

By the time they arrived at Clarke's door, though, Clarke had spotted Lexa sitting on the ground with puffy red eyes, and damp sleeves as a result of wiping them across her tear stained cheeks.

"Lex?" Clarke immediately felt the slight buzz of alcohol leave her body the minute she noticed how distraught the girl looked. Raven halted Octavia who whined until she also spotted Lexa.

"Lexa! No, don't be sad!" She slurred and sat on the ground, leaning on Lexa. Clarke looked at Raven and pleaded for her to contain Octavia while she found out what had happened.

"Babe," Clarke fretted under her breath.

"Baaaaabe!" Octavia whispered very loudly, and if it weren't for Lexa looking this upset, it would have been funny.

"O' can you-" Clarke murmured gently.

"Clarke, how about we call this a night huh?" Raven suggested and helped Octavia to her feet.

"What no! We need to cheer up Lexa! Do you want to play Uno?" Octavia squealed loudly, but Raven hushed her.

"Come on, we'll just leave them to it,"

"But-" Octavia protested, and Lexa made some attempt to object too.

"No, I didn't realize you'd come- Trinity night, I can wait, you shouldn't-" Before Lexa could even finish that sentence Clarke had interjected with a searing scowl.

"Not a chance," Clarke commanded and waited for Octavia and Raven to exit the hallway before she helped Lexa up. The minute her arms were around the girl, however, Lexa started crying and hiding her face into the bend of Clarke's shoulder. Clarke immediately hugged her tightly and rubbed her back.

"Hey, it's okay. What happened?" Clarke held her tightly and kissed the side of Lexa's head.   
"I just-" Lexa choked. With wide eyes, Clarke quickly unlocked her door so they could have their conversation privately. Lexa hiccupped when they entered Clarke's room.

"Sweetie, Lexa," Clarke watched her chest quivering, and it felt torturous to watch big fat tears roll down her cheeks without knowing how to soothe them.

"He didn't like it," Lexa croaked.

"Roan? Is this about the mix?" Clarke questioned.

"I don't have time to make a new one, I don't know what to do!" Lexa paced anxiously, in fact, she looked terrified. Clarke halted her and moved her to the bed so she could attempt calming her down.

"We'll figure something out," Clarke reassured as she kneeled in front of Lexa.

"Clarke if I fail this class, I'm going to lose my scholarship. It's 30% of the whole year." Lexa gasped, and Clarke could feel the hammering of her heart. "On top of everything else, he destroyed it, in front of everyone. I just feel like I want to crawl under a rock." Lexa muttered angrily. She was crying for so many different reasons. She felt embarrassed, then hurt, then afraid. Everything felt so precarious. Not only did it threaten her stability and safety of staying at the institute, he completely told her she was crap at what she wanted to do, at what she thought she was good at.

"I don't even know what I'm good at anymore," Lexa revealed which sparked a protective anger within Clarke. Clarke climbed on top of the bed and dragged Lexa into her side so she could cradle her.

"He's an ass. I know plenty of artists, hell, I've introduced you to many who think your work is amazing. Perhaps you didn't do the assignment like he wanted you to, but never doubt your talent, you hear me? Roan is known for being an obnoxious asshole."

"Yeah, but he's like the Simon Cowell of this institute." Lexa objected. "I need to impress him, if I don't, I lose my scholarship, my goal,, everything," Lexa was rambling, and Clarke tightened her arms around her. Clarke hushed her soothingly, hoping that would help her.

"Maybe he is, but I'll make sure you won't lose it okay? We'll figure something out." Clarke assured her. Clarke rocked her and hummed while kissing her occasionally on the head until she felt Lexa relax and eventually fall asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry again for this kind of wait :( 
> 
> Okay so I promise there's no real angsty angst drama in the future here :) I wanted to showcase Lexa's situation as well and her worries, like her scholarship. Lexa will figure something out ;) 
> 
> Hope you liked this, whoever is still with me on this. Thanks for the kudos and comments they always make me happy! 
> 
> See you next time folks!


	40. Chapter 40

Clarke woke up before Lexa and found the girl resting on her chest. She smiled deeply and kissed the girl's hairline while tangling her hands in her hair to play with it. Last night had been horrible. She couldn't get Lexa's face. Eyes red filled with terror and cheeks puffed, out of her memory. Just thinking about Roan made her blood boil. He had humiliated Lexa in front of her whole class, which was uncalled for. Roan had a reputation for being harsh and unforgiving, unnecessarily so. She recalled a girl nearly getting him fired last year for his 'teaching methods'. Clarke didn't deny his talent of getting the potential out of his students, but sometimes he pushed too hard, and she couldn't imagine Lexa doing a bad job regarding a music class, then again Lexa didn't talk much about her grades or school. Whenever they did talk about it, they would talk about Clarke. It's not like Clarke didn't ask. She asked from the beginning, but it was clear that Lexa was uncomfortable. They weren't dating then, though. Clarke narrowed her eyes as she looked at the ceiling. She wanted to find a way to help Lexa somehow. She should ask again, now that they were dating perhaps Lexa would be more comfortable.

Lexa would never allow Clarke to use her position as the headmistress' daughter, but it was her strongest connection. She knew her mother could pressure Roan in allowing Lexa to make up her grade with extra credit. Clarke sighed but soon felt a twitching hand right below her breast.

"You know, you think very loudly," Lexa whispered and caused Clarke to chuckle. Soon enough she opened her eyes and met Clarke's gaze briefly before reaching up to capture her lips. Then she looked down at the breast she had been lying on and commented, "I was wondering why my pillow was this warm and particularly comfortable,"

Clarke chuckled more and wrapped her arms around Lexa tightly.

"You can use my pillows anytime babe," Clarke teased to which Lexa responded by snuggling deeper into Clarke's neckline.

For a minute Lexa had forgotten what had happened, but when it hit her, she felt her heart leap into her throat. Clarke had managed to calm her and comfort her to a point she had even forgotten she had anything to worry about. She imaged Clarke would have that effect quite often on her.

"How are you feeling?" Clarke asked noticing the change. With her elbow propped up and her chin resting on her hand, Lexa puffed.

"I- I don't know. I need to figure something out." Lexa admitted more to herself than to Clarke. Then with a few seconds silence in between, she added, "I'm scared, Clarke," She held Clarke's gaze, and Clarke could taste the fear that swam around in Lexa's anxious pools of green. Clarke rubbed her hand across Lexa's waist, hoping it would create some reassurance. Lexa's t-shirt scrunched around Clarke's fingers as the blonde moved her fingers.

"I could talk to my mom," Clarke offered carefully, though she already knew Lexa's reaction. She was hoping she would be wrong, but as clockwork Lexa shook her head.

"No, if anyone is going to talk to your mom, it'll be me," Lexa stated pensively. Clarke watched her jaw clench and unclench before she broke the silence once more, "I need to do this by myself," Lexa insisted determinedly.

Clarke opened her mouth to protest, but Lexa hushed her by pressing her lips to Clarke's. "Don't, I know you. You're driven to fix things for the people you care about, but you can't fix this. I need to this by myself, and you need to let me," Lexa exclaimed and watched a small smirk appear on Clarke's lips.

"How long have you been practicing that?" Clarke teased, and Lexa rolled her eyes and was about to pull away. "Wait, sorry. I know I shouldn't be joking right now, especially about this. I just- I won't just stand by and do nothing babe. I love you." Clarke professed and caught Lexa's attention. Lexa's eyes darted to Clarke though her jaw didn't turn. "You're stuck with me, and we are going to figure this out, okay?"

Lexa didn't answer, stubborn as she was. Clarke breathed out and weaved her fingers through Lexa's curls. "Babe," Clarke muttered, and Lexa conceded with a curt nod.

"I still need to do most of this on my own. I need to, okay? I can't feel like I got to stay here because I'm with you. I like feeling like I've earned my spot by what I've done, not because who I'm with."

There was a meager silence between them before Clarke agreed and conceded.

"Okay, I understand." Clarke murmured. She pulled Lexa in for a kiss. Clarke leaned back and pulled Lexa on top of her, sighing when she felt the pressure on her chest. "How can I help?" Clarke asked, thinking that was a better tactic. Lexa gave her a meek smile.

"Just be by my side," Lexa suggested and rested her forehead on Clarke's. "Lots of hugs help too." She smirked and made Clarke grin widely.

"Done and done," Clarke pulled her so close that Lexa's face slid sideways was pressed against Clarke's ear. "What about food?" Clarke asked, and she felt Lexa's lips quirk.

"Yes, that helps very much," Lexa muttered weakly as if a pout could be heard through the tone of her voice.

"And messages?" Clarke continued and felt the vibrations from Lexa's giggles.

"What kind of massages?" Lexa questioned and held her head up so she could catch a glimpse of Clarke's expression. Lexa quirked an eyebrow and winked at her.

"You winked at me?" Clarke scoffed playfully.

"I did," Lexa purred with a seductive tone.

"That's very suggestive," Clarke played along.

"Yes, I did my very best to portray the winky suggestive emoji." Lexa was such a dork, "Is it working?" Lexa joked.

"What exactly are you working towards?" Clarke giggled.

"Whatever you want, baby," Lexa breathed and tried to contain her smile.

"Whatever I want?" Clarke replied closing her eyes and laughing loudly. "You know one of these days I'll be waiting for you with candles and rose petals at my house, the whole shebang," Clarke voiced her thoughts aloud, even though they had little to do with the playful banter they had engaged in.

"Didn't know you were such a romantic," Lexa teased, continuing their banter though Clarke considered the comment seriously.

"Hmm, no, I mean sure, but not necessarily. You're the one that likes candles," Clarke pointed out and caused Lexa to snort.

"This is true..." Lexa murmured and then arched an eyebrow. "How... do... you like it?" She asked semi-seriously, semi-humorously because she was too afraid to ask it sincerely. Clarke looked up at her pensively and held her gaze for a second.

"You've got to be more specific than that, babe," Clarke noted with narrowed eyes and Lexa arched her eyebrows in genuine surprise.

"So I can be specific?" Lexa asked sounding unsure.

"Of course you can be. I want our first time to be special and...alone," Clarke stated while pointing out she didn't want anyone interrupting them as they had had been, before she continued, "But that doesn't mean we can't talk about. In fact, we should!" Clarke quipped.

"I mean I'd like to know," Clarke quickly added, "Not that you have to-" Clarke closed her eyes feeling embarrassed in the way she was backtracking. Soon enough, Lexa silenced her with a quick kiss.

"Okay, so regarding surroundings, sure I like a bit of romance, maybe not the flower petals, though," Lexa revealed.

"Really?" Clarke asked curiously, "Do you use candles when you masturbate?" She pondered aloud and saw Lexa's ears turning bright red. "Uhm-" Clarke realized she might have crossed a line, but Lexa quickly recovered and nodded.

"I do," Lexa admitted. "I like the smell," She revealed and chuckled. "And I like candles... a lot," She laughed harder while hiding her face in the crook of Clarke's neck and felt Clarke's body lose its tension. Lexa didn't usually talk about sex this specifically. Neither did Clarke of late. She did when she was sleeping with guys because she knew how it worked and what she was good at. This, though, was a whole different thing, not to mention the way she felt about Lexa.

"I'm guessing you don't?" Lexa asked Clarke, genuinely interested in what the blonde liked and how she liked it.

"No, I tend to just do it," Clarke's statement transformed into solid laughter. "I don't know. The feeling sneaks up on me, and if I start preparing, the feeling would probably disappear by the time I'm done preparing." Clarke scrunched up her nose as she talked and Lexa found it endearing.

"So, you're not very patient then," Lexa purred lightheartedly in Clarke's ear.

"Like that's even a question," Clarke giggled and breathed contently. "I do have some other questions," Clarke stated carefully.

"Okay, let's have them." Lexa challenged. Clarke's eyes lit up because they hadn't had a conversation like this before and Clarke had always been too scared or embarrassed to ask questions.

"Do you ever think about me when you touch yourself?" Clarke asked shyly and cringed at her own tone. She sounded almost pathetic, but Lexa's expression put a stop to that feeling. Lexa smiled fondly and cocked her head to the side.

"Of course I do," Lexa whispered.

"Really?" Clarke marveled, and Lexa nodded.

"Don't you?" She asked confidently, and Clarke snorted.

"Have you looked at yourself?" Clarke questioned and felt Lexa lean further into her. Lexa pinned Clarke's hands above her head and kissed her.

"Have _you_ looked at _yourself_?" Lexa husked and kissed her lips once again.

"When was the first time you did it?"Clarke continued with her inquiry. Lexa leaned up and bit her lip, looking like she was trying to remember which told Clarke it had been a while. Clarke had to keep her mind from wandering too far, or she wouldn't be able to have this conversation with her mouth drying and something else in return becoming very wet.

"Uhm, well... it depends?" Lexa admitted but confused her girlfriend.

"What do you mean?" Clarke asked now feeling more curious. Her eyes shimmered with inquisitiveness as they narrowed a little.

"Well, do you mean when was the first time I actively imagined you doing something to me, or do you mean when you involuntarily popped up in my mind as I was doing it." Clarke's eyes widened at Lexa's seemingly nonchalant remark. Clarke blinked a few times rapidly, telling herself not to think about Lexa doing that, but it was too late, by association alone Clarke was already thinking about what it would feel like to touch her girlfriend or to watch Lexa touch herself.

"Clarke?" Lexa murmured teasingly as she knew just what the girl was thinking about when she watched Clarke lick her lips.

"Uhm, either," Clarke gulped and tore a chuckle from Lexa's throat.

"Uh, well let's see," Lexa said as she shifted the flat hand she was leaning on to a knuckle and pulled her lips to the side as she was thinking. "I think you popped in my mind quite quickly," Lexa chuckled and shook her head in disbelief. Yes, she had thought of Clarke soon after they had met and it was almost embarrassing.

"How quickly?" Clarke couldn't keep the grin off her face.

"Let's say that you looking all sweaty and worn out after a rehearsal was something that managed to pop into my mind once or twice," Lexa giggled and then added the timeframe, "Not too long after we started fake dating I guess," Lexa revealed, her sentence sounding awkward in her mouth. "I mean, trust me, I tried to keep you out, but you kept popping up," Lexa laughed wholeheartedly.

"That soon?" Clarke felt excited as she heard Lexa talk about her this way, especially hearing her talk about a time when Clarke thought Lexa didn't give her a second thought. All of the sudden she wanted to know more about that time. "When did you first figure out how you felt about me?" Clarke fired the next question rapidly. Her tone was loud which caused Lexa to raise her right brow.

"Hmm, well it depends again," Lexa smirked.

"Lexa!" Clarke growled but with a smile on her face.

"Okay, okay. I don't think I remember, to be honest. I remember freaking out, though," Lexa described, and Clarke's face fell a little as a result of the uncomfortable memory. Lexa watched Clarke clench her jaw and bit the inside of her lip. "I'm sorry," She whispered and looked down.

"No, don't be," Clarke assured. "It happened, and I'm so happy we managed to get to where we are now. I'm still in disbelief that we did. We were both so-" Clarke breathed and didn't finish her sentence, so Lexa did it for her.

"We were both assholes," Lexa agreed, and Clarke snorted with a short nod. "Anyways," Lexa continued, "I remembering feeling like I... I liked you so much, and I felt like I was so attached to you, but I wasn't ready. I pushed you away," Lexa sighed. "I guess that's when I knew for sure because I was so scared," Lexa admitted, and a look of understanding inked Clarke's features.

"I see," Clarke attempting at giving Lexa a small smile.

"What about you?" Lexa asked because she was curious, especially now that they were having this conversation.

"When did I know that I liked you?" Clarke asked while her fingers were grating down Lexa's hair carefully. Lexa's hair was soft and curled perfectly around Clarke's fingers. The brunette nodded without letting her eyes wander elsewhere.

"Remember when I freaked out at the hospital?" Clarke's question caused a smirk to pull at the corners of Lexa's lips, crinkling right up to her eyes and showing her amusement.

"Yes, I remember. That was one mindfuck," Lexa pointed out.

"Yeah, well I realized I was in love with you, or I guess that's where I can pinpoint the feeling to. And then when you told me you didn't want me after Christmas, it hurt so much, I couldn't deny how I felt." Clarke explained. The thought of hurting Clarke, even though Lexa had thought about it often, still managed to send a pang into her heart.

"It hurt me too," Lexa whispered. "I hated being away from you. I thought about kissing you so often and hugging you. I missed hanging out with you and casually holding your hand." Lexa said and reached for Clarke's left hand that was now lying comfortably on Clarke's stomach to entwine their hands, while the other still laid above Clarke's head, where Lexa had left. Both hands were soft albeit Lexa's hands being bigger and slightly rougher. Her hand folded around Clarke like a glove and kept it warm. "I liked it more than I wanted to admit," Lexa told her and then leaned down to press her lips against Clarke's forehead.

"I'm so happy I get to now," Lexa professed lovingly before she captured Clarke's lips once more. She couldn't help herself from doing it. Clarke's lips were plump and begged to be touched, again and again. Every time her lips grazed over hers, a sharp bolt of excitement traveled up and down her chest.

"Me too," Clarke smiled against Lexa's lips. "So what do you generally like..." Clarke asked redirecting the conversation to its original destination. Lexa cleared her voice and tightened her grip on Clarke's hand as if to be looking for support. Her throat bobbed right before she got up the courage to speak.

"I like clit I guess. I mean I like the fantasy of penetration- a lot," Lexa widened her eyes when she spoke her last two words and immediately send a flushed feeling to Clarke's core. "I don't come by it, though," Lexa shrugged and looked at Clarke questioningly. She didn't even have to ask because Clarke answered before she had to.

"I like penetration a lot too, and I do come by it," Clarke smiled shyly. She clenched her core together as their words died. She wanted to find out what Lexa liked. She loved talking about things. She really did, but at this point, she wanted to explore. Clarke bit her lip when she noticed Lexa's breathing picked up. She pulled Lexa down by her neck and sighed contently when her lips hit their target.

The desire for their conversation died with each subtle nip at Clarke's bottom lip. Clarke sighed happily into the kiss and sunk deeper into the pillow. Lexa entwined their fingers and deepened the kiss. Her forehead pressed harshly against Clarke's skin as her breath became ragged and the pace of her actions became rushed.

Soon enough Lexa slid on top of Clarke and straddled her. She moved her hands from Clarke's hands to Clarke's neck while simultaneously both of Clarke's hands found a new destination in Lexa's thighs and pulled Lexa closer against her. Her hands moved across her thighs and lifted the delicate shorts she had lend Lexa the night before. Her shorts curled at the end and grazed against the skin of Clarke's fingers. They crept up, all the way over her underwear in their heated embrace while Clarke's hands followed and crawled over Lexa's butt cheeks. Lexa gasped at the feeling, and her movements became more desperate in their tempo. Clarke marveled at the touch of naked skin above Lexa's thighs. She recalled her own skin being a bit rougher in that spot, but Lexa's skin was smooth and easy to travel across.

"I want you so badly," Clarke whined against Lexa's lips before she sat up and licked Lexa's bottom lip while simultaneously cupping her ass. She dragged Lexa's legs around her and wrapped her arms around her girlfriend's waist completely.

"You have me," Lexa huffed and started to assault Clarke's neck with a trace of searing kisses that had Lexa biting and sucking on the flesh. Clarke was already thinking, fuck it, fuck waiting. This is special. We're here, and we love each other, that's special, and God is she turning me on...

And that's when Clarke's phone rang.

"Oh my God!" Clarke yelled while breaking her contact with Lexa's shoulder in disbelief and she watched her phone buzz on the nightstand. "What the actual fuck?!" Clarke sounded exasperated.

"Just leave it," Lexa told her and grasped Clarke's chin to turn Clarke towards her. Lexa held her in her grip as kissed her deeply, but the next minute someone knocked on Clarke's door.

"For fuck sakes!" Clarke growled and looked at Lexa regretfully. "This is why we need to plan," Clarke grumbled as she got up and watched Lexa fall forward into her pillow while yammering. Clarke chuckled lightly, witnessing her girlfriend grip her pillow tightly.

"This better be good," She complained under breath before she opened the door, blocking the view with her body. There stood Octavia, clumsily.

"O'? Why are you knocking?" Clarke said as she opened the door widely. Both Lexa and she were wearing some sort of nightwear, so there was nothing to hide really.

"Well, I called in case you two were-" Octavia peaked over Lexa's shoulder and cleared her voice. "Hey," She smiled inelegantly and in return Lexa saluted her.

"We're not," Clarke assured, "Not for the lack of trying, though," She muttered under her breath.

"I was just coming to pick up some clothes. Then I'll leave you two to it. I have a class, and I can't show up like this," Octavia explained pointing to the crinkled clothes she had probably slept in or hastily taken off without much care.

"Octavia this is your room, you don't have to- you know," Lexa insisted while waving her hands around.

"I know, but you were pretty upset yesterday." Octavia shrugged and then stared at Lexa, "I didn't dream that right?"

"No," Lexa replied while scratching the back of her neck and indicating her discomfort.

"Are you okay?" Octavia asked, collecting her clothes in one hand but Lexa shrugged deplorably.

"I don't know," She admitted truthfully. "I'll figure it out,"

Octavia nodded and then darted her eyes towards Clarke as if to ask if she was okay too. Clarke smiled gratefully and nodded. Soon enough the brunette was out of the door and probably back to Raven's.

Clarke sat on the edge of her bed and tangled her hand in Lexa's hair, an action she had grown fond of since they had gotten together. She liked playing with Lexa's hair and found it was the best way to express her affection subtly.

"Do you want to snooze some more or just hang out, or-?" Clarke asked but going from Lexa's expression she already knew the answer.

"I should really try to figure out how I'm keeping my scholarship." Lexa decided with a long drawn out sigh. Clarke reached out and drew her into her so that she could comfort her. She hated seeing Lexa this dejected. Just thinking about Roan caused an angry rumble at the bottom of Clarke's stomach. In fact, she wanted to punch his face.

"I wish I could hide out here with you all day," Lexa admitted, and the corners of Clarke's mouth twitched.

"Me too," Clarke replied and kissed the top of Lexa's head. "Where will you start?" Clarke asked with a shift of her head.

"Your mom, her office hours start in half an hour. I need to know about my scholarship." Lexa breathed.

"I could come with you," Clarke offered, but as expected Lexa shook her head.

"Thank you but no, besides don't you have to prepare for the last workshop of the season?" Lexa asked, but Clarke drew her brows together.

"Drew can handle a few hours on his own. This is more important," Clarke insisted, but with a smile, Lexa shook her head again. Clarke almost wanted to pout, but this wasn't about her.

"Thank you for being so supportive, but I'll text you throughout the day okay?" Lexa promised.

* * *

 

"You don't have to walk me, Clarke," Lexa growled though there was no genuine malice to her tone. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed a small smile tugging at the corners of Clarke's mouth.

"What if I just want to prolong my time with you?" Clarke offered with a sweet tone. Her voice sounded airy and danced between them as if it was skipping from Clarke's mouth to Lexa's peripheral. Clarke had a certain hoarseness to her tone that felt like all the words she spoke were whispered or husked as if those words were specially crafted for only Lexa to hear. To feel special was one of the things Lexa loved most about their relationship.

Before they reached Abby's office, which was right around the corner of the newly named science building, Lexa tugged on Clarke's arm in a way to make her slow her pace, and eventually come to a stop.

She cornered her against the wall and pressed their lips together briefly. Clarke lips, which she kept moisturized due to the dry weather that chipped the softness away, took half a second to react. Lexa felt a smile growing on those lips and smelled her chapstick. It was what reminded her most of Clarke. It was a mixture of probably her breath and the smell of her skin mixed with the moisture of the chapstick. All at the same time, Lexa moisturized her lips just by kissing Clarke, and it amused her to no end.

"What was that for?" Clarke questioned when Lexa leaned back.

"For being irresistibly adorable," Lexa replied under her breath and then guided both of them to the foot of Abby's door.

"You're sure you don't want me to stay?" Clarke tried one last time. She could practically hear Lexa telling her to go to Drew before Lexa had even registered what she had said, but she wanted to try one last time.

"Yes, I'm sure," Lexa insisted and meanwhile squeezed Clarke's hand, which had gone a little limp after their embrace.

"Okay," Clarke echoed with a shy smile dancing on her lips just as her mother made her presence known by the click of her heels and the tempo of her steps. If Clarke's ears could've quirked at the sound, they would've. She could recognize her mother's walk anywhere.

"This is a nice surprise," Abby said while she rested her hand on Clarke's shoulder and kissed her cheek.

"Hey, mom. Unfortunately, I'm not staying," Clarke smiled and looked back at Lexa which immediately indicated to Abby that something was wrong.

"Is everything okay?" Her mother bear instinct took over even though she knew it wasn't about Clarke. Clarke didn't respond, she didn't want to speak for Lexa but didn't want to say everything was fine when it clearly wasn't.

"I'll see you on Sunday, okay?" She told her mother and then looked at Lexa, who had seemingly blanched now that her nerves had caught up with her. Clarke leaned forward and kissed her cheek lightly before she told her, "I'll catch you later, okay?" Clarke released her tight grip on Lexa's hand, and as she did felt the cold swirl into her palm. Lexa had remarkably warm hands at all times. She acted like Clarke's own personal heater or overheater as the weather was getting warmer each day.

Abby's gaze dodged between Clarke's back and Lexa until Clarke rounded the corner with a casual wave, and she settled on Lexa.

"Everything okay?" Abby asked, and Lexa nodded but then shook her head and it was obvious the girl was distressed.

"I'd like to discuss something with you, Mrs. Griffin,"

"Mrs. Griffin?" Abby quirked an eyebrow. "I see?" She murmured aloud as she unlocked her office. Abby was the principal but also worked as a wellbeing officer and often referred students to either counselors or other wellbeing officers. It was her way of keeping in touch with what she considered important. She had gotten her bachelor in Social work a few years back when she had worked on an applied art project and had realized she wanted to do more for her community. Not just in the artistic way, but she wanted to help, hands on. That was also how she managed to acquire her position as a teacher first and then as a principal.

The lock of the door, however, new it was since they had replaced her door only last week, jammed and had Abby cursing under her breath. Finally, her door was open after several attempts of pushing the door up or down. She had even tried sideways.

"Come in," She told Lexa as she invited her in and beckoned her to sit down. An old school looking brown briefcase was thrown carelessly on her desk while she unwound her scarf and took off her coat.

"Okay, Lexa. What brings you to my office?" Abby had a big smile on her face, one that caused her wrinkles around her jaw to swell. It was funny, she and Clarke shared the same crinkle, right under the cheek. Lexa cleared her throat and tried to get her thoughts away from what felt like a soft burning timber which kept her warm and safe to a subject that caused her heart to beat erratically out of rhythm.

"I wanted to know more about my scholarship and if I were to fail a class how that would affect it," Lexa said drawing out her words rigidly. The words were hard to voice and with every tumble she felt her stomach shrinking and a lump in her throat growing particularly large.

"I see," Abby nodded while she focused on Lexa. Her eyes pierced through her as if she was waiting to see a change of demeanor on Lexa's part. "Which class do you think you're failing?" She asked while she took out Lexa's file. Watching the thick brown leathered pack crawl its way on the table made Lexa want to take hold of it and throw it against the wall. Its presence was an obnoxious reminder of a past she did not want to remember today of all days. She realized then that she was angry. A lot of the emotions she had been holding on to, were about to spill out and it created a fear within her. She could not burst out against Abby. She was after all not only her principal but also Clarke's mom. She couldn't. She was telling herself to calm down, repeating it like a mantra in her head.

"Re-appropriation of instruments and music practice," Lexa revealed and noticed Abby writing it down. Already, Lexa felt like she was going to cry. Spending time with Clarke had been great, but it had made her more susceptible to her own feelings. She used to be able to turn them off. She could wear her mask and go on with her day, but ever since she had gotten with Clarke, she had had less desire to do so and now was caught in a situation where she couldn't even muster up her mask however much she wanted to.

She swallowed deep and focused hard on pushing down the waves of emotion that were curling up from up to bottom. She willed them down and in the heat of it appeared completely numbed out.

"Lexa?" Abby echoed her concern when she noticed the girl's eyes glazing over. "Lexa?" Lexa felt her feelings dissipating and her whole body coating in relief. She clenched her jaw and looked up at Abby, who was now confronted with a completely different Lexa that had entered her office only a minute ago.

"Are you alright?" Abby asked when Lexa hadn't answered her before, and in return Lexa quickly responded with a stiff nod to throw off any unwanted attention. "Right, okay so I think Mr. Hailstone teaches that class?" Abby clicked on the class index and nodded to herself.

"It is," Lexa replied monotonically.

"So you've- ah yes, I see. He has filled out a temporary grade. He did indeed fail you," Abby tightened her lips together. Lexa knew she had failed, she did, but hearing it resonate so clear cut and crisp in the air around her was suffocating. It was the confirmation she knew she was waiting for but the knowledge of how right she had been was crushing down on her chest.

"Have you talked to him about extra credit?" Abby asked her, and Lexa shrugged.

"He made it clear that he wouldn't be giving the opportunity for extra credit from the beginning," Lexa explained, and she saw a subtle twitch in Abby's eyebrows. As if they were saying 'Typical.'

"You have an ILP, but I see you didn't activate your DSA?" Abby read through Lexa's file.

"I had a full ride. There was no point in getting an extra allowance when I already had everything I needed," Lexa explained, and Abby nodded.

"I think you should activate it, just in case. And whether or not Mr. Hailstone allows extra credit for his students without an ILP is none of our concern. You have an ILP that gives you certain privileges. Because of your disability you are allowed to have more time or extra credit," Abby explained, but Lexa closed her eyes and shook her head. Lexa gripped the desk and almost scraped the wood off at the place her nails grated the surface. Her jaw shifted with anger.

"What is it, Lexa?" Abby questioned. This was a solution, but by the looks of it, Lexa appeared to be reluctant to even listening to it.

"Yes, I have a mental health disability, but it didn't interfere with this project. I was fine," Lexa argued and watched Abby's expression soften. Before Abby could give her speech on how she had been dealt a rough hand, Lexa held up her hand.

"I don't want to lie or use my disability as a card to play when I don't need to play it! That would only discredit the real struggle, I and a lot of other people go through." Lexa tried to keep her voice under control but slipped up here and there where her voice cracked, and through the slits, her vulnerability showed. Doing that would take away so much of the progress she had made. It would make it null and void.

"Okay, Lexa. Have you spoken to Mr. Hailstone about the possibility of extra credit even though he said he wouldn't give any?"

"No," Lexa mumbled. Abby's back straightened and looked as if she had found an answer. With a loving smile, she clicked on something and then turned her computer screen to show her email.

"Why don't I send an e-mail, with you in CC, and ask him for a detailed feedback, which he is required to give, and explain your situation?" Abby proposed, but it frustrated Lexa that Abby had ignored what she had just told her. She would not use her disability!

"I just said I don't want to use my situation," Lexa hissed, but Abby appeared to be untouched by the sudden outburst.

"I mean your financial situation, Lexa. I will explain that you are at risk of losing your scholarship and I will ask him to consider extra credit." Abby explained and watched Lexa slump into her seat with burning cheeks.

"Oh," She muttered feeling quite silly now. "Okay," Lexa added and bit the corner of her bottom lip. She could feel her ears radiating heat into her curls and hoped the feeling would go away soon.

* * *

 

"You know your phone tells you when someone messaged you. You don't have to keep checking it," Drew pointed out after Clarke had checked her phone for the fifth time in an hour. They had been warming up and talking casually, but Clarke always appeared to be skulking her phone and finally Drew had had enough.

"I'm sorry," Clarke replied sheepishly with her phone in her hand. The phone dangled awkwardly in her hands as a result of a nervous tick Clarke had developed. "I'm just worried,"

"About what?" Drew asked and while he did, he stretched his legs by gripping his toes and leaning his head on his knees. He heard a small sigh escape Clarke's mouth as the blonde sat next to him and mimicked his movements. Clarke felt an uncomfortable resistance behind her knee and told her she had not been stretching appropriately. She hadn't had an assignment in a while and had already finished her showcase. What was also taking up her time, besides her love life and of course her normal day to day routine with her friends and school, was painting. She had felt herself getting draw to the medium once again and of course had begged Lexa to model for her. Yes, an inappropriate thought for that moment had crossed Clarke's mind. And yes, Lexa had made a joke about. The two fell into a comfortable rhythm of back and forth banter accompanied by sweet whispers placed in between.

"My girlfriend," Clarke replied. Drew's reaction was one she had anticipated. She had expected the raised eyebrow and the narrowed eyes. She had also expected him smirking at her as if she had been keeping a naughty secret from him.

"I didn't know you had a girlfriend," His tone to the untrained ear appeared normal, but Clarke could hear a slight taunt bouncing around his syllables.

"Shut up," Clarke replied. She felt her breath against her thighs and imagined her voice had been muffled when she spoke. She breathed out long and hoped some meditation would help put her mind at ease. God or at least distract her long enough to relax. In and out. Her breath created a warm circle on her leggings, where her mouth was and with each breath out she stretched a bit further.

The memory of Lexa's anguished eyes still felt fresh in her memory and kept tapping her head as if it was trying to get more attention as if that was even necessary.

"I'm just worried," Clarke eventually concluded and leaned up to give her legs a rest. She watched Drew, turn his head. His chin bobbed on his knee as a result.

"No shit," He replied and the thick caterpillar on his forehead that passed as an eyebrow pulled up into a questioning arch. "What did you do this time?" Drew asked as he remembered all the previous times he had been here. Last he knew, they weren't together because they were both dumbasses, well that's what Raven had told him last. He hadn't spoken to the brunette in ages, though.

Clarke flushed angrily, "Nothing! She's had some bad luck with fucking Roan," Clarke hissed. It shouldn't sting this badly. The memory of her past actions shouldn't push so heavily on her chest, but it did. Especially coming from Drew, somehow. She could feel it coursing through her skin and back into her chest.

"Ah, I see. Yeah, he's not an easy man to please," Drew agreed.

"No, he's not," Clarke replied with anger coloring her tone of voice. The roll of Drew's eyes was subtle but noticeable enough for Clarke to witness.

"Sorry," She muttered. Clarke sighed and paced around a little. "Last time I heard from her, she was entering my mother's office, that was two hours ago," Clarke wanted to pout. Of course, if she did, she would never hear the end of it.

"Don't worry so much. She may just need some time to figure stuff out,"

"Yeah, I know," Clarke huffed. Hoping to shake off the feeling she leaned back, arching her spine and reaching the floor with her hands until she made a bridge and then leaped into a handstand, then back up.

* * *

 

Lexa had promised Abby to come back after she had read through the feedback. Abby had sent the email, and only three minutes later she had received a phone call from none other than Roan. Lexa had been a nervous wreck. She had watched Abby nod. Her neck bobbed forward, and it looked like her whole body bounced too. Lexa had tried focusing on Abby's nervous tapping on the table, she had looked at the rhythm and had found it synchronizing with her heart. Soon after Abby told her Roan would write an email and that they could look at it together if Lexa wanted.

That, though, was too much. Lexa had told Abby she would come back after having read the email. She had felt too embarrassed to contemplate the idea of reading that feedback together. It would've have felt like reliving what Roan had told her during her review.

When she received the email, however, it was different to what Roan had said the day before. First of all, it was very toned down, and it was also focusing on two parts. One was Lexa's use or lack of repurposed instruments. She had failed at making an original composition with an original instrument. The composition in itself was fine, but she had completely missed the mark. She was supposed to find a new sound, and she had failed to do that. Lexa had heard what he had said yesterday, and this did not resemble what he had said. He had literally torn down her work, based on the quality of what it was, not the lack of what she had used. Perhaps she had misunderstood? Perhaps she had been so upset she hadn't even heard what he had said. She had been quite preoccupied with how she had been feeling. It wouldn't have been the first time a wave of highly felt emotions had tuned out other senses.

So she returned to Abby and discussed things with her. Lexa told her she wouldn't have time to make something new, let alone use different instruments. Abby, however, was unrelenting.

"I managed to convince Roan to give you a week extension." She told Lexa. Lexa looked down. She was waiting for the feeling of relief to hit her, but it never came. It was a week. She had worked a month on this. How would she even manage this in a week? Lexa pulled her muscles together and tugged at her lips, hoping to convey some kind of convincing smile.

"I know it isn't much," Abby offered, "But you might be able to get a pass. Try taking in everything he told you, and I'm going to give you a tutor as well." Abby decided and flipped through what looked like roller dex. Lexa marveled. Who used a roller dex anymore? It was a lightness in the midst of a dim mist.

"Here," Abby muttered and held out a card but quickly retracted it, "Wait," Abby laughed at herself. "That was a little dumb of me," She exclaimed. Lexa looked at the card then back at Abby. She wanted that card. If anything, this tutor might be able to help her. Maybe she could pay this person? She was desperate.

"You know her." Abby smiled fondly but that was the last thing Lexa wanted to hear. "In fact, I think a team of two tutors may get you through this," Abby claimed happily, but Lexa was still in the dark. She felt the leather of the seat she was on rub against her thighs uncomfortably as she kept fidgeting.

"Who?" Lexa demanded. She was impatient and honestly just wanted to get out of there.

"Well, I thought of Niylah first of course. She's a regular tutor, and she could use the money," Abby explained. Lexa blinked rapidly, so much she heard her eyelids mash together. She didn't even know Niylah tutored. And weren't they supposed to do band stuff this week? Lexa clucked her tongue unconsciously, and her brows remained in one deeply molded crease. She was ruining everything for everyone.

"And then I thought of Raven. She could help you with the mechanics of it. I know she used to build instruments at the atelier with Clarke when they were younger, and she knows the sound booth like no other. I'm sure if you ask, she'll be up for it." Abby tried, but she could see Lexa was less than receptive. Abby put her pen down, and Lexa watched it roll a little to the side.

There it was, an uncomfortable feeling that kept growing. _Oh, no._ Lexa felt her throat closing like she was going to be sick, but at the same time, she felt dizzy. Then her heartbeat started throbbing in her ears, and her palms were sizzling.

_Anxiety... attack? Is it one? Not yet._

"Honey, I know this isn't-" She could hear Abby's voice in the distance. It was so hard to focus. She wanted to go to her room and lie down. It wasn't a full-on panic attack. She just needed to _lay down_.

_Focus, it's rude to ignore people._

"-be the best choice. They're your friend... Lexa, are you listening?"

"Yes," Lexa said and wrapped her tongue around the syllable. She looked Abby straight in the eye, too straight. Her gaze was vibrating. She wanted to sound loud and clear, but it felt like she wasn't breathing out, or was it in? Or one of the two. She could never make out her breath when this happened. And the uncomfortable seemingly lack of oxygen was burning in her chest.

"Abby, thank you so much. I think I need to go home. I'm going to talk to them later." And with that Lexa was out of the office.

She walked quickly and finally reached her room. She laid down and took out her phone, clicked on the paced breathing app while shoving her earphones in her ears. She put both hands on her chest and listened to the voice telling her how to breathe.

* * *

 

After she had managed to calm herself down a little, she fell asleep without meaning to, and when she woke up, Lexa realized she had slept for 3 hours. She sighed and felt a heaviness in her chest that hadn't dissipated. Great, I'm probably going to be stuck with this for the rest of the day.

She then looked at her phone and saw a message from Clarke. She was surprised it was only one.

**Griffin <3: Hey baby, just checking in. I hope you're okay. Let me know if you need anything. I have my workshop in an hour, and after that, I'm all yours... if you want. If you don't, that's okay of course! I love you.**

Lexa checked the time when she had received the message and that had been exactly two hours ago, which meant she would almost be done with her workshop. Lexa breathed out and leaned her elbows on her knees so she could cup her forehead and lean on it.

She didn't feel good, but she needed to get on with her day. She had been. Anxiety or not. She had managed to prevent a full-on panic attack by going home. She could really use a swim right now, though. Putting her muscles to work, that would be such a relief at this point. Then she remembered she had to write this down, with the intensity of it as well for therapy next week.

_Yay._

She took out her phone and started to type. She was so tired, but so wound up at the same time. Then she decided against texting Clarke and instead just going over to the studio. If Clarke weren't there, which was very unlikely, she would simply message her there.

Soon enough she had pulled on the sweater she had subconsciously thrown on the ground when she came in and headed out. It didn't take her long to reach the studio, and by the sound of the music coming out of it, the workshop hadn't ended just yet.

The doors were open as usual, and she tiptoed in, hoping no one would notice. She sat down by the mirrors and leaned against the wall behind her. Before she stood rows of students showing off the routine, they had learned. A hip hop routine, big surprise there. The music sounded hollow, however, which reminded Lexa of the constant anxiety that had been sizzling through her since she had left Abby's office and it wouldn't leave her for at least a day.

She thought back and wondered whether she had been truly scared or simply upset, or she had felt a lack of control or just all of the above. Strong feelings mixed with a sense of chaos had. In fact, it was freefalling into chaos, with nothing to grasp onto that did it for her most times.

  
Then Clarke noticed her and waved animatedly. She skipped over to her with a broad smile, but it quickly faltered when she noticed the bags under Lexa's eyes. Lexa's skin looked pasty as if the light had been sucked out of it.

"Hey, " Clarke cooed and approached the brunette. She cupped her neck and grazed over a thin layer of sweat. "Baby," Clarke fussed, but Lexa swatted her hands away.

"I'm fine," Lexa stated, masking her feelings and straightening her back. One unimpressed look from Clarke, however, had her slumping back against the cold tiles. A guilty shimmer flashed in Lexa's eyes and before Clarke could see anything more, she wrapped her arms tightly around Lexa.

"I'm almost done," Clarke whispered in her ear. The mold of their bodies appeared to smoothen out and fit together seamlessly. It was like they created a heat that softened their shape and sculpted a new one. Lexa basked in Clarke's scent before she felt the blonde shift away. Clarke's palms slid down her arms and onto her hands, and before she left, she gave them one last squeeze, hoping to leave Lexa with some comfort.

Indeed, the workshop concluded only ten minutes later, and Clarke raced across the space and quickly stood beside Lexa to help her up and keep her hand on her lower back as they walked out. Over her shoulder, she threw Drew a quick wave and the guided her girl out.

Shortly after, Clarke felt Lexa's soft curls tickle the nape of her neck as the brunette leaned her head fully on Clarke's shoulder. That's where Lexa wanted to stay. She was in dire need of some serotonin.

"Where do you want to go?" Clarke questioned, and Lexa responded by asking if they could go to the pool. She needed to get her stuff, but Lexa really wanted a swim.

* * *

 

Clarke sat at the edge of the pool and watched Lexa swim from one edge to the other in the fast swimming lane. She watched the clear image of the swimming pool, almost empty as it was dinner time by now. She closed her eyes and listened to the soft sounds of water scattering and slurping as her girlfriend moved. If it hadn't been for Lexa's obvious distress, Clarke would've found these sounds most unwinding. She couldn't help but worry when she watched the girl swim with such determination as if she was looking for something.

When Clarke had asked right before they entered the pool area, whether Lexa wanted to be alone, the brunette had flocked to Clarke in one swift distressed leap and had told her no. She wanted her to stay. Her presence made her feel better. There was something troubling floating in those greens, and it was utterly unsettling.

Still, though, if Clarke hadn't known Lexa, she wouldn't have thought anything was wrong when watching her swim now. She looked elegant and as if nothing in the world could touch her. Clarke recognized those gestures, and movements as part of the mask Lexa wore.

Out of the corner of her eye, Clarke spotted Bellamy. He waved at her.

"Hey," She mouthed and involuntarily gave him permission to approach her.

"Hey," He stated. "You're just sitting by the pool?" He asked looking at Clarke's clothes. The blonde shrugged.

"Yeah, I like watching Lexa here," Clarke didn't completely lie, she did enjoy watching her girlfriend.

"Ah, I see," He said and squinted his eyes to the other side of the pool, most likely to spot Lexa. "How are you two?"

"We're good," Clarke smiled but then added with some discomfort, "We are trying to get some quality time... So do you mind?" Clarke asked awkwardly. She had never done that before, asked a friend to leave that was, but knowing Lexa Bellamy would be the last person she needed to see right now.

"Oh, yeah for sure!" Bellamy jumped to his feet. "Sorry! I'll leave you guys to it," He laughed and scratched his throat. At that point, Lexa reached Clarke again and just watched Bellamy take off and wave.

"What did _he_ want?" Lexa questioned with a bucket load of malice in her voice.

"Nothing, he was just saying hi," Clarke explained and tucked a wet strand of hair that had managed to fall out of her cap, behind Lexa's ear.

"Okay," Lexa's brows dove into a frown.

"Babe," Clarke echoed, her voice laced with some disapproval. There was nothing either to worry about or to get annoyed at.

"I just don't like him," Lexa rasped defensively.

"I know," Clarke replied. She watched Lexa chew the inside of her mouth and was surprised Lexa was allowing her to read her this openly. It was something. "Lex, talk to me," Clarke told the girl just as she was adjusting her bathing suit.

At this point, the pool had managed to wash some of Lexa's anxiety away, but Bellamy's presence had annoyed her so much, that her anxiety had turned into anger. It was irrational and not the first time it had happened. It was as if her body needed to hold on to one strong feeling at a time, so it wouldn't be able to let go and relax. Her experience told her, however, that the anger would falter relatively quickly, so that was some relief. She just needed to voice it, to express it somehow. And swimming wasn't helping anymore.

"I'm just-" Lexa's voice rose, "I'm annoyed," Lexa admitted. "No, I'm angry, and I'm not angry at you. I think Bellamy kind of played on my anxiety, and now I'm just angry, and I want to yell and just throw a hissy fit. And I hate it. I hate feeling this way," Lexa ranted angrily. Her hands were out of the water, and small droplets of water flicked every time she gestured avidly.

"Fuck!" Lexa cursed and slapped her palms against her head, telling her to let it go. Just let go of the feeling. It's not that big of a deal.

It hadn't been the first time Clarke had witnessed Lexa's anxiety. The anger, however, was a new one. She wasn't sure how to approach it.

"What can I do?" Clarke asked thinking that was the best route to take.

"Nothing!" Lexa sounded almost desperate. Then she walked through the water, created a small current next to her and stood in front of Clarke, looking up at her. Clarke's legs dangled in the water, in front of her, and made way for Lexa to stand between them.

Without a second thought, Clarke wrapped her arms around Lexa, not caring she would drench her clothes by doing so. She held her as long as it felt like Lexa was comfortable.

"I hate him," She barked and it was almost childlike. Like she needed to get those irrational feelings out.

"I know baby," Clarke chuckled a little but then Lexa looked up.

"No, not Bellamy, Roan," Lexa explained. Lexa's body deflated, and with one long breath Clarke felt her girlfriend sink lower into her.

"He gave me a different feedback to what he said in class!" Lexa shook her head avidly as she spoke. "What kind of asshole does that? He doesn't even have the balls to write it, ink to paper, what he actually said."

"Yeah, he's known to do that. Even when you repeat what he said to you to him, he denies it."

"I fucking hate him!" Lexa yelled, and her voice bounced off the water and echoed through the pool. A nervous simper tugged at the corners of Clarke's mouth.

"Sorry, that was just really loud," Clarke explained and bit her lip.

"Yeah, I know." Lexa smiled through her nerves and frustrations. "My life is a mess," She pointed out.

"What did my mother say?" Clarke inquired and prompted Lexa to sigh and lean her head back against Clarke.

"Well, I got a week extension and one maybe two possible tutors to get me through it," Lexa revealed and created a spark full of excitement in Clarke's belly.

"Babe, that's great!" She squealed, but she heard Lexa groan.

"It took me a month to get this ready. I'll never make it." Lexa indicated. She whined and felt like it was an impossible task to complete.

"You need to try," Clarke insisted, but Lexa was done talking about this. She still had to speak to Niylah and Raven but decided that was something she would do tomorrow. The day was nearly over anyways.

"Yeah," Lexa said sounding exasperated.

"No, I'll help, well as much as I can but I know Raven can help. And she will!" Clarke vowed. Her tone was persistent.

"You think so?" Lexa asked genuinely scared she wouldn't actually get help. Then again the task of asking for help appeared more daunting.

"Of course," Clarke promised and cupped Lexa's face. "Lex what else happened today?" Clarke probed and hoped Lexa would tell her a little bit about her anxiety episode today.

It wasn't a surprise Clarke had noticed, but it was a surprise all the same. Every time Clarke appeared to take interest and showed knowledge, it created a warm pool of safety in Lexa's chest.

"Well, I managed to stop an anxiety attack from happening, but it's still here. I feel like I'm ruining everything for everyone," Lexa deplored, and at that, she had lost Clarke completely.

"What? What do you mean?" Clarke was dumbfounded.

"Abby- your mom offered me two tutors, who I know. One is Niylah, and the other is Raven, but I know that Niylah was supposed to do all kind of band stuff this week. I'm completely ruining her week off, and Raven is busy-"

"Okay stop, you're not ruining everything. They have mouths, and they can say yes or no. Right now, all you have is no and you can still get a yes. You shouldn't feel guilty for accepting help. We all need it some time, and God knows I do." Clarke claimed. Lexa's hands were floating on the surface, and it appeared as if Lexa was watching them, or perhaps feeling them.

"I know," She whispered. "It's just hard, and I feel embarrassed," Lexa admitted to which Clarke nodded in return. Of course, she understood. Failing was hard, and having to receive help was even harder because sometimes it felt like when you achieved something with help, you didn't achieve anything at all.

"It's one thing, it doesn't take away from all the things you have achieved," Clarke told her, and a twitch pulled her lips into a small smile.

"You seem to be reading my mind."

"Good," Clarke murmured and held Lexa's gaze for what felt like minutes on end. "Do you want to keep swimming?" She questioned, but Lexa shook her head.

"No, food would be nice actually," Lexa muttered and looked around to see a few more people entering the pool.

"Good thing there's a cafeteria here," Clarke teased and kissed the top of Lexa's head again.

* * *

 

Clarke really did try her best not to shiver when they stepped out of the warmth that had been inside of the swimming pool area, but she failed, so hard at that. She was, after all, soaked, and she didn't have clothes to change into like Lexa did.

She clutched Lexa's towel while she waited for the brunette. The minute the girl exited the changing rooms she noticed how cold Clarke was and instantly took off her sweater and offered it to her.

"Lexa, it's freezing," Clarke protested, but the girl would be fine in her t-shirt, given she could get some food into her belly.

"Exactly. Take off your jersey and let it dry over a chair," Lexa commanded, and with a tone like that how could Clarke disagree... disobey. Clarke kind of liked it when Lexa became slightly more dominant. She immediately felt taken care of.

"Okay," Clarke agreed and changed.

After that, they quickly walked to the cafeteria and ordered to huge bowls of noodle soup to warm their hands, their hearts and their moods.

Clarke moaned when the liquid ran down her throat. That warmed her up quickly. She noticed Lexa greedily munching on the soup and wondered if she had even eaten anything today.

"Is that the first thing you're eating today?" Clarke questioned and noticed a guilty expression ink itself onto her face. "Babe," Clarke scolded.

"I know, I know," Lexa felt a cold breeze hit her the back of her neck when she shrugged.

"Do you feel a little better?" Clarke asked and indeed Lexa had felt the anger dissolve. She still felt her shoulders stuck into a tense shape and her fingers tingling, but she could definitely say she felt less sick than she had had a few hours before. She had probably been hungry as well.

"I do..." Lexa stated and then put her spoon down. "Though, can I stay with you tonight? I still feel like I'm-" Lexa took a deep breath. She didn't want to or couldn't materialize the words. There was that anxiety embraced with a tinge of anger. She closed her eyes and reached for the soup again.

"Of course you can," Clarke's voice rang in her ears.

"Thank you," Lexa quickly stated. "Can you also ask Raven for help this week?" Lexa really didn't want to ask. She couldn't handle it right now. She didn't have the 'spoons' for it. Not tonight. After this soup, she felt like she could fall into a deep slumber once again, even though having napped all afternoon. She was so tired.

"I'll do it tonight," Clarke smiled and slurped on a noodle. The image of the noodle hitting Clarke's nose was enough to entice a little snort out of Lexa.

"You're cute," Lexa said but still felt out of breath.

"Only for you," Clarke retaliated and reached for Lexa's hand. She kissed and eased some of that tension. "It'll be okay you know?"

"Yeah, maybe," Lexa replied.

"Tell you what. We can watch the movie or should I say series, you like to watch when you're sick." Clarke started, "I'll get us some snacks and ask Octavia to stay another night at Raven's. I doubt she'll mind."

"Trying to take advantage of me, Griffin?" Lexa teased through her throbbing heartbeat.

"Always," Clarke grinned hoping her mood would be infectious.

"And what series do you even mean?" Lexa wondered skeptically as she drank some of her soup.

"If I recall you still have to catch up on Dance Moms." Clarke pointed out, and Lexa feigned ignorance.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Lexa smirked.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay yeah I know it's been ages, and I know this was a huge chapter, but it's Christmas! Haha, so Merry Christmas (or Merry whatever else!) guys :) and lots of loving to all those going through some family bigotry these holidays :( <3
> 
> See you next time folks!


	41. Chapter 41

"Are you alright, Lexa?" Abby asked. Lexa had been working hard on bettering her assignment the last few days and hadn't been eating well, so after hearing Clarke worry about her girlfriend, Abby had offered cooking for both of them until Lexa would hand in her work. This night, was the third night in a row and Lexa could barely hold her anxiety at bay.

"Yes, Abby, thank you," Lexa grimaced and played with her soup. Abby made sure to make a starter and an entrée, or at least order some if she didn't have the time to cook. She wanted Lexa to eat. And she wanted Clarke to have peace of mind.

Abby regarded Clarke who had her eyes fixed on Lexa. Clarke pulled her lips inwards and rubbed them against each other with the aid of her teeth, softly squeezing both lips together. Abby recognized that small gesture as her daughter's distressed face. She used to make that face as a child when she would disobey Abby and get in trouble.

"Are you seeing Raven and Niylah later?" Abby asked softly, and Lexa nodded. Lexa wasn't used to this motherly thing. Sure, Anya had acted as her mother and was guilty of doing similar things, but she was still her sister. Her mother had died when she was fourteen, and if she was honest, Abby's motherly kindness and concern made her uncomfortable. Abby was most likely doing it because of Clarke anyways.

"We should be working late," Lexa answered, not knowing what else to say. She couldn't just nod; this was Clarke's mother.

"Yes," Abby said as she finished her plate. Tonight, they would eat their main dish alone, as Abby had made plans with her boyfriend.

Abby squeezed Clarke's shoulder softly, unbeknown to Lexa, and rose to her feet with her plate in hand.

"I'll leave you girls to it," She smiled and added, "I'm going out with Marcus in an hour, do I need to drop you girls back off at school then?"

"Yeah, that would be nice mom," Clarke answered and watched Lexa force a grateful smile on her face. When her mother passed through the door and left the room, Clarke sighed.

"Babe, you have to eat," Clarke urged.

"I should be working," Lexa hissed and took Clarke aback. Clarke raised her eyebrows in disbelief and Lexa continued after she had looked behind her to make sure Abby couldn't hear her, "You know how busy I am and how important it is that I don't fail this. I can't keep coming here. I don't have time to come here every day," Lexa explained.

"Lexa, the way you're running around is not healthy, though. You'll crash and burn," Clarke argued but only annoyed Lexa more.

"That's _my_ business, Clarke. I can take care of myself." Lexa ground her teeth as she spoke.

"I'm worried about you. I'm just trying to-" Clarke argued, but Lexa interjected.

"Do you see me doing this to you when you have a deadline?" Lexa asked.

"I- I eat, Lexa. I don't just work and consider sleep and food as a nice afterthought." Clarke disagreed.

"I let you be, because I know I would stress you out even more if I kept you busy in any shape or form." Lexa countered and made Clarke sigh. Well, that was true, but really beside the point.

"You could've just said no if you were so against it," Clarke stated plainly as she crossed her arms and pushed her plate away from her, suddenly having lost her appetite.

"Right. In front of you mom. I could have totally done that." Lexa replied sarcastically with a snarky tone to her voice.

" _Alright_ , I'm sorry. We can go now if you want?" Clarke huffed. Watching her girlfriend look away with so much annoyance in her posture, caused Lexa to reassess the situation. She didn't want to fight, even if it was a minor disagreement like this, but she couldn't help but feel relieved at the thought of going back to school and possibility of working longer than she had anticipated. She felt guilty for her ungrateful attitude, but she just had to pass this class. She had to.

"I'm sorry," Lexa stated softly. Clarke's chest fell abruptly with a sharp sigh before she looked back at Lexa and nodded.

"Yeah, me too," Clarke replied, but Lexa could hear she didn't mean it. Clarke sounded upset. "I'm going to get a Tupperware for that soup," Clarke pushed her chair back and got up to retrieve the object from the cupboard. She then returned to the table and without another word, grabbed Lexa's half full plate and poured the soup in the Tupperware.

"Let's go," Clarke said unceremoniously. Clarke didn't want to fight, especially not now, now that Lexa had so much going on. She needed to let it go, and fast. She also put the main dish in large Tupperware and told herself that's what she would be eating the next few days. She wasn't going to let the food go to waste.

Clarke exited the room before Lexa could even find her footing, and told her mother they would catch the bus as they were going now instead of later. Clarke had promised she had put all the food in the Tupperware and they would eat it at school.

"Alright, honey. If you're sure," Abby yelled from the upstairs floor.

* * *

 

Clarke walked Lexa to the sound studio on the West wing and smiled tightly, thinking Lexa would go in right away and she would just walk to her dorm from there.

Lexa, however, halted and squeezed Clarke's hand, "I'm sorry for snapping earlier. I've been so stressed, not that it's an excuse," Lexa muttered. Clarke was still kind of upset and annoyed. And she had learned she shouldn't shake off emotions because they would come back in tenfold. She had to give herself time to process them and truly put them behind her. 

"I'm sorry for wasting your time," Clarke stated, but there was a bite to her tone. She hated it was there. She wished for nonchalance, for this argument to just be over.

Lexa sighed and nodded. "Yeah," She then kissed Clarke's cheek and said, "I'll call you later when I'm done," With that she entered the room and closed the door behind her.

"Hey, you're early, thank God," Raven said as she stretched out in her chair. "Niylah has been having trouble with that damn instrument you made."

"What? What's the issue?" Lexa asked with a quavering voice.

"I'm not sure. The sound keeps getting heightened when we put it through an amplifier."

"Fuck," Lexa hissed and walked through the door, into the studio booth.

"Hey, you're back," Niylah smiled widely. She had only been gone for under an hour. Niylah had expected her to be gone longer than that. She was actually happy Clarke was making her come to her house to eat because knowing Lexa food would be far down her priority list and she needed someone to take care of her. 

She saw Lexa's tensed shoulders hooked up higher almost against her jawline as the brunette examined the instrument.

"We'll figure it out," Niylah assured her. She had only been playing with it for fifteen minutes. Lexa grunted in return. "What's wrong?" Niylah asked and watched Lexa's eyes dart up, albeit her body stayed in the same position.

"Besides the looming deadline that will probably have me losing my scholarship?" Lexa asked sarcastically.

"Yeah, besides that," Niylah quirked a brow as she leaned her weight on one foot and crossed her arms. Lexa shrugged.

"I had a fight with Clarke," Lexa mumbled and then heard Raven come through the sound system.

"Ugh, don't tell me you guys broke up again," Raven whined and caused Lexa to chuckle a little.

"No," Lexa replied and gave Raven a pointed look. "We just had a small argument," Lexa revealed with another shrug.

"Do tell," Raven mused with an amused grin and pushed Lexa to roll her eyes.

"You get far too much pleasure out of this," Lexa pointed out and watched Raven cross her arms behind her neck and lean back on the chair. There was no response, only the sound of Niylah tinkering with the instrument. "I kind of got angry at her for losing my time by constantly inviting me over to have food at her house," Lexa admitted.

"Oh yes, how insensitive of her to feed you and take care of you," Raven teased and it prompted a groan from Lexa's chest.

"I know alright, but I don't have time right now. It always takes me more than an hour, and yeah I should've just said no, but her mother was standing right there- look I haven't been 'taken care of'" Lexa said using air bunnies as she spoke, "-since I was fourteen. I haven't had a mother in over seven years. I can take care of myself!" Lexa snapped.

"No one is arguing that you can't," Niylah said softly, finally having found the problem.

"Clarke is, her mother is," Lexa grumbled childishly. And she knew they were right, but she hated being fussed about.

"It makes me uncomfortable," Lexa muttered as she hooked her instrument to the sound system and started fiddling with the keys she had created. She had scratched too much of the unique instrument and was now recording more of it, as the previous things she had recorded were found unusable.

"It makes you uncomfortable to be cared for?" Raven echoed through the microphone and Lexa shrugged. "Why didn't you just tell Clarke?" Raven asked. Clarke would've understood, well maybe. Clarke was angry tonight, but that was probably because her mother had gone through the effort of making their meal and Lexa had reacted extremely ungrateful to it, after having agreed to it.

"It's just hard to say no to her," Lexa mumbled and raised her finger. "This sounds good, can you back that up with-" Lexa asked Niylah and the blonde didn't need more instruction.

"Say no more," She walked over to the soundboard.

They played the sequence a couple of times and Raven recorded it. After that, they all sat together in the booth, in front of the large soundboard.

"You've said no to Clarke plenty of times, though," Raven pointed out a half an hour after Lexa had made that comment.

"I guess... I'm just really stressed, and her taking care of me is making me uncomfortable," Lexa huffed. "I shouldn't have reacted the way I did, though. She didn't deserve that," Lexa admitted and bit her lip. She was really out of line earlier in the way she had spoken to Clarke.

"Just apologize," Raven shrugged and altered the feedback.

"Yeah, I will." Lexa echoed.

"You'll be fine. It's Clarke. Once you got her, you got her and she pretty forgiving. And _you_ got her. " Raven said playfully as she jabbed her elbow softly into Lexa's arm.

* * *

 

Lexa knocked awkwardly on Clarke's door later that night, after they had finished the loop inside Lexa's piece. She felt a lot more confident about what she had created, then again she felt confident the first time around.

Clarke shuffled to the door and with sleepy eyes opened the door, squinting in the harsh light.

"Hey," Lexa said awkwardly and shuffled her feet.

"Hey," Clarke whispered and smiled.

"Can I come in...or?" Lexa asked with regret already dancing the back of her throat.

"O' is sleeping," Clarke stated and paused. Lexa nodded and was about to say goodnight as Clarke told her, "Wait here,"

She then turned on her heels. Lexa could hear some rumbles in the background, opening, and closing of Clarke's closet, even a small stumble, almost big enough to have Lexa peek her head inside. Clarke came out fully clothed and closed the door behind her.

"Come on, let's go get a cup of tea or something," Clarke told her and entwined their fingers. Lexa, however, couldn't wait till they reached the dining area, where they would have gotten tea from the coffee machines there.

"I'm sorry, Clarke," Lexa said before they had reached the end of Clarke's corridor. Clarke looked up and nodded.

"I'm sorry too." Clarke murmured, but Lexa watched her brows crease, "You really should just tell me to back off next time, preferably before the actual thing." Clarke pointed out with an annoyed tone of voice.

"I know," Lexa muttered.

"And I know you're really stressed but I'm only trying to take care of you," Clarke stated sounding a little sad.

"I know, and I'm sorry," Lexa stated, and then Clarke sat down, crossing her legs in front of her. Lexa joined her and leaned against the wall. "I just really don't have time for it and honestly having you, but especially your mother take care of me like that, makes me uncomfortable," Lexa revealed.

"Why?" Clarke asked.

"Because, I'm already under a lot of pressure and I already feel like I'm not good at what I want to do- I-" Lexa sighed. "I don't like you thinking I can't take care of myself. It's my choice where I put my priorities. I cope with situations in my own way. I understand what you're doing, and I appreciate it so much. I know it's not healthy, but you're not my mother. It's only been a week-" Lexa ranted and made it clear that by taking care of her, Clarke had only amplified the vulnerability Lexa was already feeling. And Lexa hated feeling vulnerable.

"It's been longer than that babe. You've had a bad routine since you started this project." Clarke pointed out and agitated Lexa.

"Alright, so maybe it's been longer, but pushing me this way is only making me more stressed okay? It takes me less time to eat the way I usually do than it takes me to come to your place and eat your mother's food." Lexa argued. "I just don't have time for it."

"Okay," Clarke echoed. "I thought I was doing the right thing, but should I not push you to be healthy? Should I not worry when I see you not sleeping, not eating? Should I not care at all?" Clarke clenched her teeth and moved her hands around animatedly.

"No! I just," Lexa mumbled. Of course, she wanted Clarke to care about her. "Just _talk_ to me first, don't push your version of a solution on me," Lexa told her, and Clarke nodded.

"Ask me how you can help, instead of assuming how to help," Lexa explained, and Clarke bobbed her chin once more.

"Okay, I can do that," Clarke stated with a small voice. She looked down and saw that their hands had stayed entwined throughout their argument. She smiled and leaned her head against Lexa's shoulder.

"So we're good?" Lexa asked, and Clarke nodded.

"Yeah, I'm just still a little annoyed. Is that okay?" Clarke asked and felt Lexa nod.

"Yeah, that's okay. Me too, we'll both still be a little annoyed." Lexa replied and squeezed Clarke's fingers.

"Lexa?" Clarke murmured.

"Hmm?"

"Would it help if I gave you food in forms of Tupperware, or bring it to you during your recordings?" Clarke asked, and Lexa nodded.

"Yes, that would help a lot more," Lexa agreed and watched a smile form on Clarke's lips. Clarke liked to feel like she was needed or useful. Lexa understood Clarke's urge to fix everything, but sometimes it just came out wrong. The blonde had a mind of her own, a stubborn one, and thought she knew best in most situations.

"Clarke?" Lexa whispered.

"Hmm?" Clarke mimicked her girlfriend.

"Can we go on that date after I hand in my project?" Lexa asked.

"As a celebration?" Clarke asked making Lexa laugh.

"Or drowning my sorrows in you," Lexa turned her head and looked at Clarke. Her eyes lingered on Clarke before she leaned in and kissed her. Clarke tangled her hand in Lexa's curls when she reciprocated the gesture.

She whispered against Lexa's lips, "Yes, you can always drown in me for whatever reason."

* * *

 

The next morning Clarke had called her mother and explained the situation. Abby did not react very well, but Clarke had told Abby to leave it alone.

She then texted Lexa and told her she would be heading down for breakfast soon. There was no response which made the blonde shrug, but nothing would stop her from blueberry pancakes.

The minute she entered the dining hall, though, she spotted Raven and Lexa already sitting at the table, both listening to what was probably Lexa's piece. They were also taking notes.

"Hey," Clarke said right as she kissed the top of Lexa's head. The brunette looked up and took the earphone out of her ear.

"Hey," Lexa smiled, and Clarke kissed her.

"Well, looks like you two made up," Raven mused and dived back into her blueberry pancakes. Clarke sucked in a breath and raised an eyebrow.

"We had a small argument, how do you even-" Clarke questioned and then looked down at Lexa. Of course, studio time together. "Figures," Clarke commented and sat down. With a quiet chuckle, Lexa kissed Clarke cheek.

"I just mentioned it," Lexa explained, but Clarke shrugged.

"No, it's cool. You're allowed to talk- vent about us," The blonde smiled but then got up confusing her girlfriend. "I'm going to get a stack, should I get you one?" She asked just as Lexa had told her to.

"Uhm, I'm not that hungry actually," Lexa stated but watched Clarke's determined face harden. She rolled her eyes.

"Get me a muffin," Lexa growled and created a smile on Clarke's face. The blonde almost skipped towards the line.

"She has got you whipped," Raven joked and wrote down some more notes.

"I am not whipped," Lexa argued, but Raven snorted.

"Please," Raven laughed, "Not that I can blame you. Clarke Griffin is one scary girl," Raven pointed out in the best way possible.

"Don't let her hear you say that," Lexa teased and added, "Besides, I can be scary."

Raven screwed her eyebrows together with skepticism laced between them, "Really?"

"You just wait. One day, Reyes-"

"One day what?" Clarke had returned in record time and had Lexa widening her eyes at being caught mid-sentence.

"One day I'll show her just how scary I am," Lexa crossed her arms against her chest. Clarke gave her a warm smile and put the muffin in front of her.

"Of course baby," She coddled and kissed Lexa's cheek, leaving Lexa with slotted eyes, thoroughly unimpressed.

"Whatever, I could take you, both of you," Lexa muttered.

"You could but you won't," Clarke pointed out and laughed before diving into her own stack of pancakes.

When Clarke had gorged down her second pancake, she eyed the muffin that was standing in front of Lexa still untouched. Clarke gave her girlfriend a scowling look, not that she wanted a repeat of last night's argument, though it had been coming all week given Lexa had been quite snappy with her as a result of stress, she wasn't about to let Lexa get away with eating nothing either.

"Babe," Clarke mouthed with a quirked eyebrow. Lexa pouted because she really had no appetite, then again there was a time where it had been much worse than this, and she would have had to force herself to eat. This wasn't like that, though. She wasn't not eating because she was going through a depression, given that was actually something she had gotten under control with the right meds and therapy, she wasn't eating because when she was stressed, and when that happened food dove down her priority list.

Even though Lexa loved food, she sometimes wished it could be like sex. Great when you make time for it, and not the end of the world when you don't have it for a while. Plus on top of everything else, she liked making a thing out of her food. She liked taking her time and making it something more than it was. She loved food while watching something, or having food with someone else, but when food was just that: food, and she had no time to combine it with something awesome, it felt like a waste of time. This all boiled down to her anxiety and how she needed to control everything, including her time.

Lexa sighed, looked up from her notebook and took a huge bite out of the muffin while continuing her work. It didn't taste awesome, which was normal as she was quite literally forcing down her throat, just to keep herself going.

As she reworked her notes, again and again, she could feel Clarke's eyes burn into her side, and every time it happened, she would take another bite of her muffin until it was all gone.

"Well done," Clarke whispered and kissed Lexa's cheek. Lexa wanted to roll her eyes. This wasn't like an anxiety attack or depression. This was just dumb stress. Lexa didn't feel it wasn't necessary to praise her for her small accomplishments, like eating. Plus it made her feel like something was wrong with her, but she knew Clarke was just being what she was: her girlfriend.

Lexa looked up and realized Clarke had said it with the utmost honesty. Her intent was never to belittle, even though that's what Lexa had felt and usually felt when people tried taking care of her. That was, when she wasn't having a dramatic moment, like an anxiety attack or something.

 _'Ugh I am such a fucking dramaqueen,'_ Lexa thought and forced a genuine smile on her face. She hated this part of herself. She wished for that damn deadline to be here already so she wouldn't be such a cunt to her girlfriend.

"Thanks," Lexa replied and leaned up to kiss Clarke, this time on the lips. "I love you," She whispered casually and watched Clarke's smile grow.

* * *

 

It was only three days later, and thankfully free from any more arguments that Lexa was presenting her work again, and she felt like she was going to pass out from the stress.

"It'll be okay, whatever happens," Raven reassured her. Unfortunately, Clarke had a mandatory class right about now, or she would be here.

Lexa felt her heartbeat throbbing in her throat. At least this time around, she would be alone and would be spared from any more public humiliation. Her heart leaped when she saw Roan turning the corner.

"Ms. Reyes, Ms. Grove," He commented on seeing Lexa's friends and then added, "Ms. Woods, after you,"

Lexa licked her lips and entered the room with her usb in hand. It basically swam around in the sweat that had gathered there. She felt Roan's presence behind her and sat down on one of the benches in the classroom while she watched him unpack.

"So how was your week of extra time?" He asked.

"Helpful, thank you," Lexa answered and watched him puff his chest.

"You know, I don't usually give special treatment, but when you're dating the principal's daughter, I guess that gives you a few perks." He commented, and Lexa wanted to protest.

"I mean, how I was I going to say no to Abby's angry email. And then there's your 'condition.'" He emphasized the word condition in a belittling manner and Lexa wasn't too sure about what he was speaking, but he swiftly answered that question.

 "You know in my day. They just called it good ol' stress or a stumble, not the range of disorders they ascribe to students these days, coddling them and setting them up for failure later in life." He muttered more to himself but caused Lexa to clench her jaw. She hated it when people looked down on mental health and the services for people with mental health issues. Those services had saved Lexa's life once upon a time and to hear a privileged white dude talk about it this way, even if he was a well-respected professor and good at what he taught, made her blood boil.

"But anyways, I doubt you were able to fix your original work in a week, but let's hear it." He told her and scurried off to the computer. She inserted the usb stick and played her work.

He listened and took several notes. He was nodding his head and pursing his lips. After the music had died, he kept nodding to himself and Lexa wondered whether that was a good thing or a bad thing.

"The baseline is off, the change of pitch, in the end, is a little cheesy, borderline cliché, but you did manage to incorporate the instrument, which was the assignment. You still have a lot of work ahead of you, but I am impressed with how you've ameliorated this piece in less than a week.  Not enough to earn a higher grade than a 58 though, which is what I'll likely give you." He looked as if he was done because he was turning his back on her, but then he halted.

"You didn't by any chance involve Ms. Grove?" He asked as he was stacking his papers.

"She's a tutor..." Lexa murmured.

"Indeed. I thought so. You won't get help in the real world, Ms. Woods." He turned his head around. Lexa wanted to scoff as if he knew what the real world was better than her. Lexa knew all too well. You didn't get help from anyone in the real world unless you had something to offer in return.

"You'll pass this class, but you have to ask yourself whether your talents truly lie in the music business if you have to ask for help with everything you do? You're not truly doing the work then are you?" He pondered aloud and closed his briefcase.

This all happened so fast, and Lexa felt tears stinging her eyes. He left the classroom, not paying any more attention to her. Lexa scoffed out loud this time. He probably thought he was doing her a favor, saving her from failing in an industry she had no talent for.

"Hey!" She heard behind her, but when she turned her head, Niylah quickened her pace and wrapped her arms around you. "No, he couldn't fail that. That was amazing!" She claimed angrily.

"I passed, but with a 58." Lexa sighed. She would have to work extra hard on her other classes to keep her average of 70. She wanted to take out her phone right now and calculate how much she would need for other assignments and exams. Her average at the moment was about 80 something, but this surely dragged her down. Let's see she had an 85 for one, a 79 for another, a 75, a 58 with this, and she had two more classes to complete.

"Okay, we can work with that," Niylah pointed out.

"Yeah, I know," Lexa muttered and calculated how much she needed. This class was worth 10 credits compared to the others who were worth 5. She calculated she needed 70 at least for the next two classes she had yet to complete. Lexa's shoulder lost a little bit of tension. She was sure she could get 70 on one of those, the other one, a theoretical one, would be more difficult.

"At least I passed. If he failed me, I would've lost my scholarship either way. I need a 70 average, with a pass on all my classes," Lexa babbled to herself.

"You can do it," Raven said as she barged in. "And honestly, I think Roan just doesn't like you," Raven noted.

"No kidding," Lexa snarked sarcastically. "He literally implied I had special treatment because I'm with Clarke and then he went on a straight white boy rant on how he doesn't like the disorders we supposedly push on kids today when there's obviously nothing wrong with them." Lexa spat, the sarcasm swimming in her saliva.

"God, how can people -university professors- be this educated but this ignorant," Lexa huffed.

"Well, educated doesn't always mean informed about social issues. I mean just cause you have a Ph.D. in biomedicine doesn't mean you're informed or understand socialism and anthropology." Raven preached to the choir and received agreeing grunts in return from both Niylah and Lexa.

"Thank God, that's over, and I don't have to ever see him again. He only teaches this class and one other right?" Lexa questioned.

"Yeah, he's a big research guy," Niylah agreed.

"Great, then I'll make sure I won't take his next class," Lexa concluded and eventually breathed out a relieved puff of air. She smiled and leaned into Niylah who was towering above her as Lexa was still sitting on one of the benches.

"I'm glad it's over too," Niylah stated and saw Raven nodding.

"You guys and me both!" She exclaimed. "Now let's get drunk or something, or go eat pizza," Raven shouted excitedly.

"Dude, it's like 10 am," Niylah noted with some disgust in her voice.

"So?" Raven grinned and beckoned them out of the room.

Lexa quickly took out her phone and texted Clarke.

**LexaWoods: I passed! With a 57, but still a pass...**

**LexaWoods: 58***

**Griffin <3: That's great babe! I knew you could do it. **

**LexaWoods: I can't wait for that date**

**Griffin <3: Me too :') I asked my mom what she was up to this weekend and apparently she's going away for the weekend for a teacher's resort. Hehe ;)**

**LexaWoods: So the whole house to ourselves...?**

**Griffin <3: Yaaaas**

Lexa grinned at Clarke's last text. At least something good was going to come out of the week.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope the whole Roan storyline didn't feel rushed. I'v been in a position where some feedbacks last 20 seconds cause a professor has something better to do.   
> As for Clexa's little argument. I want to stress that they are a couple and they still are the two human beings I've written with their human flaws. 
> 
> Anyways thanks for the kudos and comments! If you have any questions don't hesitate. 
> 
> See you next time folks!


	42. Chapter 42

On Thursday, a few days after Lexa's second review with Roan, she waited anxiously at the exit of Clarke's studio with a rose in hand. She writhed her right hand against her jeans, trying to dry the sweat off and passing the rose from hand to the other.

The doors opened, just a few minutes later, and several students walked out, including Clarke. Clarke quirked an eyebrow when she spotted her girlfriend and approached her with a grin on her lips.

"Hey, this is a nice surprise," Clarke murmured and kissed Lexa.

"Hey," Lexa mumbled shyly which confused Clarke.

"What's going on?" Clarke asked with suspicion coating her tone and accepted the rose. She twirled it in her hand while awaiting an answer.

Lexa breathed in deeply and shifted her weight from one hip to the other. She gulped right before she answered, "So, this is me telling you I'm here to do a - thing, to make things up to you," Lexa stuttered.

Clarke tilted her head and creased her forehead, "Make up for what?"

Lexa tangled her hands in her hair and replied, "This past week?" Clarke raised an eyebrow and parted her lips but before she could speak Lexa held out her hand. "Not that I didn't mean what I said," Lexa explained but then widened her eyes and added, "In the apology- about my reasoning? Uhm-" Lexa stuttered. This was just going great.

"Babe," Clarke interjected. "We already had this conversation." Clarke pointed out.

"I know, but an apology and a conversation only go so far. I was a dick this week, even after that apology," Lexa stated.

"No argument there," Clarke replied with a smirk on her lips. "But you did have a point. I shouldn't shove my solution on your problems. Communication is key." Clarke ranted, and Lexa nodded.

"It is," Lexa echoed. "I just really want to do something nice for you. You didn't deserve the way I expressed myself. I'm not saying that my frustrations weren't real and just a consequence of my stress, they weren't, but the way I handled it and the way I treated you, wasn't fair," Lexa admitted. She knew at some point she had to confront herself with what she had been feeling, or at least talk to Angie about it. The vulnerability and weakness she felt anytime someoneattempted at taking care of her were unbearable, which wasn't normal. Those feelings were so strong, so negative to something that was inherently kind. She had to face it. But not now, not yet anyways. Today or rather tonight was about Clarke and only Clarke. Lexa couldn't make this about herself again.

"I know I said all of this already," Lexa giggled nervously. "But I just thought- I've been thinking, and I didn't want us going on a date with a bad thing backing it. I need to make it up to you, first. I don't think I deserve going on a date with you until I have,"

"You're so melodramatic," Clarke chuckled. "And what if I want a groveling you to take me on a date?" Clarke winked and tore a chuckle from Lexa's throat.

"I can do that," Lexa vowed, "All of that." Lexa exclaimed and raised her hands, flailed them in front of her, "The groveling, the date, _whatever_ you want. And I already checked your schedule, so I think you should be free," Lexa stuttered, but the scrambled back and waved her hand animatedly, "But if you have other stuff to do, I'll totally blow all of this off."

"No, I have time," Clarke smiled and wrapped her arms around Lexa's waist. "So what do you have planned?" Clarke asked, and Lexa smiled awkwardly. God, she was such a geek.

"Well," Lexa bit her lip and answered, "I have tickets to that drive in movie thing you've wanted to go to," Clarke furrowed her brow.

"Not that I'm buying your forgiveness!" Lexa emphasized and caused Clarke to smile.

"You _have_ my forgiveness," Clarke pointed out. 

"Not that it's that expensive, I mean I would hardly be _buying_ -" Lexa muttered to herself. Clarke shook her head and wrapped her hands around Lexa's collar. She pulled her close and kissed her passionately.

"Lexa. Shut up," Clarke whispered against Lexa's lips and rested her hands on Lexa's shoulders, feeling the leather fabric of her jacket. Clarke backed away and chuckled.

"And relax," Clarke teased while she turned on her heels, "It's not like I'll bite your head off later, and tell you I don't actually have time for all the nice things you're doing for me." Clarke sassed while she looked over her shoulder. Lexa parted her lips and then stuttered out a chuckle.

"Okay, I deserve that," Lexa scraped the back of her neck. She followed Clarke and smiled widely when Clarke entwined their fingers.

"Hang on," Clarke pondered aloud, "Which car are we taking?" Clarke asked and then narrowed her eyes. "Is this the part where you ask me if you can borrow my car, to take _me_ to the drive-in?" Clarke crossed her arms in front of her with a playful smile.

"No, I wouldn't dare," Lexa reassured. "Raven lend me her car," Lexa explained and watched the white in Clarke's eyes expand.

"She let you take the truck?" Clarke asked with a high pitched voice. "She never lets me take the truck!" Clarke huffed and put her hand on her chest.

"Well, maybe she likes me better," Lexa teased while she swung their hands between them.

Clarke scoffed and replied, "Please,"

* * *

 

"So which movie is tonight anyways?" Clarke asked on the drive to the movies.

"Mary Poppins, because you need to see this one and I know you'll love it," Lexa insisted. Clarke shrugged.

"I still think it won't be as good as everyone says," Clarke argued, and in return, Lexa kissed her fervently. Clarke blinked when Lexa leaned out and gave her a quizzical look.

"Why talk so foolishly when you could be using that mouth for more interesting things," Lexa purred, but the purr turned into a chuckle that was hidden in Clarke's shoulder when the brunette had diverted her attention to Clarke's neck.

"You can never say those things with a straight face can you?" Clarke questioned with a grin and saw Lexa shake her head.

"Depends on the situation," Lexa winked as she parked Raven's truck in a good spot. Clarke looked around and failed to see any other cars. Her brow creased her forehead when she looked at Lexa expectantly.

"Where  are all the other cars?" Clarke questioned.

"We may be a little early," Lexa smiled and shut off the engine. "I thought we could go for a walk or go have some ice cream first," Lexa announced and caused a wide smile on Clarke's face. Lexa looked shy with her head bowed into her chest.

"You're beautiful," Clarke mumbled out loud and surprised her girlfriend.

"Thanks?" Lexa smiled and rested her head on the steering wheel. "So are you, especially like this," Lexa pointed out and watched as the sun illuminated the lighter hairs in Clarke's golden locks and caused them to shine brightly. She also noted how golden Clarke's eyes became when the sun shone on them.

"Like this?" Clarke questioned and saw Lexa lift her head from where it was resting. Lexa ran her hand through Clarke's hair and rested it on Clarke's cheek. Clarke's skin had rough patches here and there from the lack of moisture her workout had caused.

"I like what the sun does to you," Lexa explained and then leaned in, pressing their lips together. She felt Clarke smiling into the kiss. Then she felt the pressure of Clarke's hands slide from her waist to her thighs. That pressure only increased and climaxed in Clarke pulling Lexa on top of her.

"Can we stay here like this until the movie starts, instead?" Clarke asked with Lexa straddling her, and the brunette chuckled. She nodded and quickly captured those lips again, this time circling her arms around Clarke's neck.

The feeling of Lexa's body so close, pressing against hers, reminded Clarke just how desperately she never wanted to be without it and just how horrible it felt when Lexa would treat her with anything but love, whether that was a consequence of her behaviour as it had been for months, or it was a consequence of some deeply held issue. Clarke sighed into the kiss and rested her head against Lexa's.

This wasn't exactly the best time to question why Lexa had been so averse to Clarke's care, but when was a good time? If she had learned anything, though, it was that she could ask Lexa anything. There were sore spots, yes, but Clarke never felt like she was walking around on eggshells, quite the contrary.

"Lex," Clarke whispered and watched those greens eyes open. "Why _do_ you get so upset when someone tries to take care of you?" Clarke asked and noticed Lexa's shoulders sagging.

"Can we not talk about this tonight?" Lexa pleaded with a bristled body.

"Why not?" Clarke asked. 

"Because tonight is about you, about me making things up to you," Lexa explained with a slight huff. 

"I don't care about that Lex," Clarke declared. 

"Well, I do," Lexa contended. 

"You told me not to shove my solutions on your problems, so how about you do the same thing for me? " Clarke asked, and Lexa blinked. She parted her mouth once, then again to speak.

"Okay," Lexa cracked painfully.

"I already told you, though, I got upset because, because-" Lexa groaned but bit her tongue. "I got upset because your solution stressed me out even more," Lexa explained.

"Yes, but why did my solution, aka taking care of you, stress you out even more?  And don't tell me it's because I took care of you in the incorrect way." Clarke warned, but Lexa pouted. She would never have said that. "You always get strange about these things. And when you get uncomfortable, you push me away," Clarke pointed out and didn't get an argument from Lexa.

"Is it because your parents died?" Clarke questioned and felt Lexa shift. "And with the group homes, do you not trust people to take care of you? Do you think you can only take care of yourself or that you should?" Clarke ranted and heard Lexa sigh.

"No, not really. I trust you to take care of me, I just-" Lexa swallowed. "I just don't like it," Lexa explained. "It makes me so uncomfortable when someone does," Lexa revealed yet again. "And you're right I am a dick to you-"

"Why?" Clarke interjected.

"I don't mean to be a dick, Clarke," Lexa regretted how she had treated her girlfriend. "I'm sorry,"

"No, why are you so uncomfortable when someone takes care of you?" Clarke questioned with an insisting tone.

"Babe, please," Lexa begged. "Can't this night be about nice things?" Lexa argued. Clarke leaned back and nodded.

"Why is it always so hard for you to talk to me about these things?" Clarke asked and opened a whole new can of worms.

"I have been," Lexa countered weakly. "I've tried," Lexa muttered, and this time, it was Clarke that felt guilty. Of course, Lexa had tried. Just a week ago, Lexa had completely allowed Clarke to ride her anxiety attack out with her.

"I know, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to demean the progress you've made," Clarke stated. "But when you treat me like you did this week, it doesn't exactly make me feel great, and I'd like to prevent it from happening again."

"I know me too," Lexa insisted. "It's why I wanted to make things right with you today because this past week wasn't fair on you,"

"And I'm enjoying every second of it. I'm even convinced about the Poppins thing," Clarke smiled and cupped Lexa's cheek, into which the girl leaned her head. "But it won't solve any rooted issues that make you react that way. I mean you allowed me to take care of you for a whole week, and then burst out at the end because you couldn't take it anymore." Clarke pointed out.

"I know," Lexa bit her lip.

"I just don't want you to feel that way-" Clarke started.

"Or make you feel that way," Lexa interrupted and had Clarke shrugging.

"That too," Clarke agreed. "But more so, I want to know what I'm dealing with so we can both handle it better," Clarke told her, and with it, Lexa nodded. She had a pensive look on her face. One Clarke had grown accustomed with.

"I just feel so embarrassed all the time," Lexa admitted. Clarke reached up and tucked a strand of hair behind Lexa's ear.

"Embarrassed because I take care of you?" Clarke questioned, and there wasn't a no or yes answer to that. Yes, but that yes was really a no.

"Yes and no. I'm embarrassed that you do, that apparently I'm not doing a great job." Lexa explained but failed to make any sense.

"I'm embarrassed because of who I am," Lexa exposed, but Clarke didn't understand. And with the look of confusion written on Clarke's face, Lexa continued, "You're this great, _normal_ girl, and I'm-" Lexa looked and scrunched her lip, "-not,"

Before Clarke could say anything, "I know you've had your issues too, I'm not saying you haven't or trying to belittle those-" Lexa maintained as she held up her hands, "But I feel like I go through a crisis every other day, because it's an ongoing disease that I have to live with," Lexa shrugged. 

"And I'm fine with that, hell I make fun of it," Lexa chuckled. "The last thing I want to do is bathe in self-pity." Lexa looked remorsefully at Clarke, but Clarke wasn't sure who the remorse was aimed at. 

Then Lexa continued, "But you- you have to see me go through it, and when you handle my issues in a serious way because you don't experience them, their weight becomes even greater." Lexa sighed. "And that's not your fault, not at all. I love you for wanting to care and treating my issues as important issues." Lexa emphasized. 

"But I _feel_ so screwed up. Like the way I handle and cope with it is wrong, and maybe it is but that's for me to find out. I just feel like one day it'll be too much for you and you'll leave," Lexa ranted.

"Lexa," Clarke argued. "I won't leave," Lexa only nodded, and that alone told Clarke the girl wasn't completely convinced.

"I just- I know I can take care of myself. Sometimes I don't do the best job, that's true, but I feel so embarrassed when someone tries to take care of me because it feels like they're saying that I can't. That I'm not good at taking care of myself." Lexa echoed and that last sentence resonated with Clarke.

Clarke moved her fingers over Lexa's forearm. Their tips had great comfort in them, and Lexa felt herself relax with each stroke.

"Okay, so if I understand, you get uncomfortable when your issues come up, and I have to see them, because it makes you feel abnormal and that one day I won't want to deal with it," Clarke echoed.

"I can already tell you now, that won't happen. Your issues are a part of you, and they're not a bad part of you, they're just a part of you. I don't see you as abnormal, I see you as Lexa. Who I love," Clarke declared. Lexa blinked at the last two sentences, but that single glance of belief was shot down by doubt and Clarke watched Lexa bite her lip in defeat.

Lexa opened her mouth, but Clarke interjected, "Hang on, there were a lot of things you told me, and I need to know that I understood them right,"

Lexa sat back on Clarke's knees and nodded, allowing Clarke to continue, "You also get uncomfortable when I don't relativise your issues as you do, but-" Clarke sighed. "I can't mock them like you do, babe. I won't," Clarke insisted. "But I _can_ tell you that I don't pity you when I handle them that way. I'm practical. You know me," Clarke gave her a crooked smile.

"Drawn to fix everything," Lexa answered with a chuckle.

"Yeah," Clarke breathed. "Like I said, I see them as part of you, part of how you function and go through life, nothing less and nothing more. I know there's a fine line between jokes and treating these issues seriously, but I don't know if I want to dance that line and risk hurting you even more," Clarke explained, and Lexa nodded. Okay, yeah that was fair.

"And lastly, I've made you feel like I think you can't take care of yourself," Clarke stated. "Would it change anything if I said that's not what I think at all? I think you're so strong," Clarke started but felt Lexa shift awkwardly.

"See this is what I mean," Clarke pointed at Lexa's face. "You're uncomfortable because I've called you strong because somehow that makes you different, and somehow you think that means wallowing in self-pity," Clarke stated and lit a surprised looking light in Lexa's eyes.

"I-" Lexa stuttered.

"Acknowledging what you've been through and calling you strong, because that is what you are, does not mean you're some sort of charity case or that I'm pitying you. I think you're amazing, for so many reasons,"  Clarke insisted but saw Lexa looked down at the hands that were playing with Clarke's shirt.

"Baby," Clarke lifted Lexa's chin. "I don't take care of you because I think you're not capable, I take care of you because I want to make it easier for you. So you don't have to think about things like food or sleep. So you can focus on your priority, which last week was school and let me take some of the weight. That doesn't mean I don't think you can't carry it. It means I want to carry some of it for you because I can." Clarke insisted and saw some of Lexa's determination crumble.

Lexa nodded, "What if I keep being uncomfortable with it?"

"Then you talk to me like we're doing now," Clarke replied and saw Lexa sigh. "What is it?" Clarke questioned.

"This was supposed to be a night of me doing something nice for you and taking care of you, and it is turning into you having to reassure me about- well everything," Lexa huffed but quickly watched Clarke's head shake from side to side. Next, Clarke's body was against her, and she was being enveloped in a hug.

"It still is, I'm just glad we talked too, it's perfect," Clarke whispered in Lexa's ear.

"I'm sorry," Lexa mumbled. 

"I know," Clarke kissed her shoulder and then realized more cars had surrounded them, including the popcorn stand.

"Do you want some popcorn?" Clarke asked, but quickly Lexa leaned up.

"I'll go get it if you want some. Or ice cream!" Lexa sounded determined and kind of geeky too, much like she had been when Clarke first came out of her class today. Eager to please, which was a sight.

"Yes, Lexa," Clarke chuckled.

* * *

 

_"Let's go fly a kite, up to the highest heights,..."_

"That was awesome, Lex, you were totally right," Clarke smiled excitedly, but when she turned her head to her girlfriend, she saw a distracted mess. "Babe," Clarke whispered and squeezed Lexa's hand. "Are you okay?"

Quickly, Lexa threw a smile on her face and convincingly lied, "Yeah, just a really beautiful ending," Clarke turned her head and quirked her eyebrow, and with it, Lexa's mask fell, and she allowed herself to show how she was truly feeling.

"I know tonight didn't turn out the way you wanted it to," Clarke pointed out, "But it was such a good night." Clarke glowed.

"I just wanted to do something nice for you and turned into a heavy, sad thing," Lexa pouted.

"It didn't," Clarke pointed out. "I'm glad you told me all of those things. I know that wasn't easy for you," Clarke squeezed Lexa's hand and then placed a solemn kiss on it.

"Angie is going to have a ball with all this new and exciting mental shit," Lexa said sarcastically. She really didn't want to talk about this again. It was hard enough talking about to Clarke without cringing. God, did she hate therapy.

"It'll help, though," Clarke murmured. 

"I hate it," Lexa huffed playfully and caused Clarke to chuckle. The blonde wrapped her arm around Lexa's neck and pulled her into her.

"You'll get through it, and you'll feel better once you know how to handle this," Clarke encouraged and saw a small smile dancing on Lexa's lips.

"Thanks," Lexa replied genuinely. Indeed, it hadn't been about Lexa's issues. In fact, Lexa had told herself she would talk to Angie about it eventually. She didn't think she would have breached this topic tonight, let alone talk to Clarke about it all. An odd sense of pride settled in Lexa's chest. "And sorry, again," Lexa stated remorsefully, but this time Clarke rolled her eyes.

"Let's move on from this past week. You wanted to make it up to me tonight, and you did. You did it with this cute little drive-in movie and with being so honest with me. Especially the latter," Clarke insisted and pecked Lexa's lips.

"Okay," Lexa smiled gratefully.

"Speaking of, do you want to drop your stuff off at mine today?" Clarke kind of wanted Lexa to stay over already, but her mother's presence in the house wouldn't allow that.

"How was that a speaking of?" Lexa asked but watched Clarke shrug.

"It was an 'I'm changing topics abruptly' kind of speaking of," Clarke chuckled. Lexa stuck the keys into the engine.

"Won't your mom be there?" Lexa asked, replying to the initial question.

"Yes," Clarke sounded unsure.

"Won't that give her the idea that I'm staying at yours this weekend and have her freak out and not go?" Lexa inquired and saw Clarke huff.

Lexa narrowed her eyes, "What's the real reason you want to go to your house, but you want me to go with you?" Lexa asked playfully with a grin on her face.

"A game of old school Spyro on our flat screen TV and well- I don't want the night to end," Clarke admitted. Technically, she never wanted Lexa to leave. She hated it when they were apart, even though sometimes she needed some time to herself.

"A video game?" Lexa beamed.

"No," Clarke scolded, "You are not allowed to play," Clarke stated determinedly and had Lexa pouting.

"What? Why?" Lexa asked with a high pitched voice.

"Because you always _kill_ me!" Clarke pointed out.

"No, I always beat you," Lexa corrected with a mischievous smile.

"Same difference," Clarke countered.

"Oh, come on! Can't take the heat?" Lexa sassed her as she drove out of the park. "Besides why do you want me there anyways if I can't play?" Lexa questioned, and this Clarke pouted.

"Because I don't want you to leave just yet," Clarke admitted weakly. Lexa chuckled. It's not like she cared she couldn't play, well no that was a lie, but she was sure she could convince Clarke.

"Is your mom home?"

"No, why...?" Clarke replied, suspicious of Lexa's tone.

"Good," Lexa's voice was high and playful.

"Good? Why is that good? What are you planning?" Clarke questioned, knowing that voice.

"Well, if I can't play, I'll have to do something else to keep my hands busy," Lexa winked and had Clarke gaping at her.

* * *

 

"I'm going to kill these dinosaurs!" Clarke screeched.

"Let me have a go again," Lexa huffed, equally frustrated at the mini challenge.

"No, you'll just get more frustrated. You need a time out," Clarke told her. She had never see Lexa so frustrated as she had a few minutes ago when one of the dinosaurs in Skelos had yet again eaten someone.

Lexa pouted but knew Clarke was right, and so she watched Clarke try again and again. It was around the tenth time Clarke had tried that Lexa saw the muscles in Clarke's face contract.

"I'll never get it," Clarke puffed sadly.

"Don't be a defeatist dear," Lexa whispered and kissed Clarke's shoulder. Clarke sank back into the couch with the controller in hand.

"That helps," Clarke sighed, feeling her heart flip every time she felt Lexa's lips on her shoulders, on her bare skin, right where Lexa had moved the fabric aside.

Lexa hummed and continued her gentle ministrations. She wrapped one arm around Clarke's waist and grazed the skin with her teeth. Lexa felt Clarke's chest rise with a sharp intake of air. The feeling of Clarke's warmth beneath her, her movements, her breath, were intoxicating.

"Try again?" Lexa mumbled against Clarke's neck, but the game had long been forgotten by Clarke. Clarke turned her neck and captured Lexa's lips, feeling the excitement there. Clarke wrapped her hand around Lexa's neck and fisted her curls tightly as she pushed their lips harder together. Lexa's hair was always so soft. Softer than hers that was for sure. Was it because it was curly? Or perhaps the shampoo that Lexa used.

Clarke felt Lexa's lips move around hers and felt their shape, their taste. She wanted to trace that shape with her own mouth and memorize it. Remember it by touch and not by sight. Lexa's hand traced Clarke's collarbone weakly until it accidentally brushed lower and onto Clarke's breast.

Clarke almost hissed with pleasure, and her body responded in return by sinking deeper into Lexa. She allowed her tongue to join the exploration and memorize the taste this time. She bit and scraped Lexa's lips until they were swollen and plump.

Before anything could escalate, they were interrupted by the turning of the key in the lock of the front door. Of course, in the tradition of always being interrupted, this had to happen.

"I thought these dinosaurs were the most frustrating thing ever, I was wrong," Clarke deadpanned and tore a hoarse kind of laughter from Lexa's throat.

Abby entered the room and noticed the two girls sitting in front of the TV with what looked like a video game paused on the screen. She then looked at the clock and noted 11 pm.

"Hello, girls," Abby smiled and approached the couch. She kissed Clarke's head and then continued to do the same with Lexa. Lexa smiled, feeling a little surprised. Abby had never done that before.

"Did you have a night?" She asked, and Lexa realized the question was aimed at both of them.

"Yeah, it was great. I finally saw Mary Poppins!" Clarke beamed, and Lexa watched Abby chuckle.

"Well, it's about time." Abby smiled, but her smile was tired. "You know, Lexa as a child Clarke refused to watch it because she was scared. I put it on the first time around, and the minute the wind blew all those nannies away, she started crying. After that, it was no use even trying to get her to watch it." Abby chuckled, and Lexa's mouth fell open.

"Mom!" Clarke screeched. "Oh my God!" Clarke's cheeks flushed, and Lexa's mouth only widened.

"You said you hadn't even heard of it until you were fifteen!" Lexa squealed and watched Clarke sink further into the couch, this time with shame written on her face. "You are such a liar!" Lexa laughed, and with it, Abby started laughing too.

"Speaking of, are you staying the night, Lexa? That way I know whether to make up the guestroom or not," Abby smiled. Lexa's smile faltered a little, and she shook her head.

"No, I'm leaving soon, Mrs. Griffin," Lexa pointed out. With Abby's back turned Lexa furrowed her brows, "Is this a family trait?"

"What?" Clarke muttered still feeling the aftershock of her mother's revelation.

"Using 'speaking of' in the wrong way?" Lexa asked and then felt a cushion hit her face. "What?" Lexa giggled.

"Asshat," Clarke insulted and turned on the game again.

"How is that asshatty?" Lexa questioned.

"Your face asshatty," Clarke muttered playfully and utterly confused her girlfriend.

"You're just trying to get me to move on from the Marry Poppins thing by insulting me aren't you?" Lexa asked and watched a small smirk dangle off of Clarke's lips.

"Is it working?" Clarke giggled, and next she felt Lexa's lips connect with her cheek.

"Asshat," Lexa countered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know some of you weren't happy with Lexa last chapter, but just for future references, I can't incorporate everything in one chapter. This has always been a story with arcs. So just trust? Contrary to popular belief, I don't just throw in drama or assy behaviour for show. But, given I don't update as often as I used to, I can understand the reactions :) I know I find it hard to remember the progress and the character traits of story that doesn't update often. 
> 
> Anyways moving on haha, thank you for all your lovely comments (constructive criticism or praise, I welcome both) and I hope you enjoyed this. 
> 
> See you next time folks!


	43. Chapter 43

Lexa had her nose scrunched up with confusion as she was inspecting the flyer she had just been handed. The flyer described the end of semester game, and it sounded like everyone was expected to participate. It appeared fun enough and a tradition that went back to the opening of the school, 74 years ago.

A subtle smile danced on Lexa's lips as she read the rules a purpose of the game. You had to collect all the 'handkerchiefs.' Each person had one handkerchief on them and had to defend it as if it were their own life. By stealing someone's handkerchief, you directly put them out of the game.

Before she could read over the rules, Niylah sat in front of her and snatched it from her hands.

"Ah, the end game," She snickered and had Lexa rolling her eyes.

"I was reading that," Lexa pointed out, but it had no influence on her friend. Niylah simply shrugged and placed it aside so that she could take a handful of Lexa's fries.

"Dude!" Lexa screeched, "You're as bad as Clarke," Lexa muttered sounding unimpressed and took out her notebook to shove the flyer in between the pages.

"I hope you're not expecting the kind of retribution Clarke gives you when she steals your fries," Niylah wiggled her eyebrows as she spoke.

Lexa snorted in return, "No, you're safe," Lexa stated, pretending that Clarke had even done anything like that in that past. In fact, it brought up nerves about the impending weekend she would be spending with her girlfriend in a few hours. She swallowed deep and reminded herself to take a shower and shave, again.

It wasn't that she minded anyone else to have hair, but she did prefer sex without having hair herself, somehow it made it feel better. Then again, for all, she knew she wasn't going to have sex at all. Wasn't this what they wanted to prevent, putting pressure on themselves to having to have sex the minute they could?

"Lexa?" Niylah sang as she waved her hand in front of her eyes. "Where did you go?" Niylah asked.

As a response, Lexa shrugged and only stated, "I just remembered I have to take a shower before I head over to Clarke's later,"

"Ah, mother G. is out of the house," Niylah sniggered. "I bet it will be nice being able to let go completely," Niylah imagined, not really knowing they hadn't gone that far. By the expression Lexa gave her. However, Niylah was swiftly put in the loop;

"Wait, you two haven't?" Niylah asked, and Lexa rolled her eyes. She was very keen on keeping this discussion from happening."Have you ever?" Niylah squeaked.

"Of course, I have," Lexa growled as she slammed close the notebook in hand.

"Oh, so it's Clarke then?" Niylah asked, and Lexa shifted with annoyance fueling her movements. "I thought she got around the block-"

"Niylah," Lexa said as she held up her hand. "We just haven't found a moment alone. People keep barging in," Lexa huffed and had Niylah look at her with wide eyes.

"You're kidding right?" Niylah laughed and added with raised shoulders, "Just put a sock on the door,"

"Yeah, that's what Raven said," Lexa muttered.

"Smart woman," Niylah chirped.

"We just don't want it to be forced," Lexa explained and put her notebook in her bag. She jumbled a bit because a thicker book was taking up all the space.

"Right cause waiting until her mother is gone to spend the weekend together, is not forced?" Niylah spoke, and with those words, Lexa sighed into her back. She leaned up a bit a peaked over the table.

"Less," Lexa grumbled. "At least it'll give us a time range, make it-" Lexa leaned up completely and shrugged, "Special,"

"God, you're gay," Niylah groaned sounding disgusted. "I swear you two are such dramatic-"

"Don't say hoes-" Lexa interjected with a serious face, but a playful twinkle reflected in her eyes. Niylah leaned forward as if she was daring Lexa.

"Hoes," Niylah finished and had Lexa groaning as she fell backward into her chair.

"Your face is a hoe," Lexa retaliated as she stood up.

"Hey, where you going?!" Niylah squealed and had Lexa laughing.

"To take a shower, so I'm not late for the other dramatic hoe," Lexa explained and then shoved her plate towards Niylah, "You're welcome," She turned her back on her friend, and she swore she could've heard Niylah squealing.

* * *

 

Why was touching up one's labia harder than when you let the hairs grow long and then shave it? Shouldn't it be easier if the hairs were shorter? Lexa sighed. She was starting to get dizzy from hanging forward like this. And why was the damn crevice between her thigh and her pubis always so hard to get to? Lexa huffed as she leaned up and back against the tiles of the shower. She could feel the water already getting colder. She felt around her pubis bone, and between her folds, and didn't particularly feel any hairs, then again she never did until two days later after realizing she missed a whole patch.

She didn't think Clarke would mind, but it was slightly embarrassing to see someone else notice that you forgot to shave a patch, regardless if they cared whether you shaved or not. It was about skill, one that according to Lexa everyone had but that she somehow struggled with.

After grazing over her skin one last time, she gave up. She wasn't going to hold up a pocket mirror, that was going a bit too far. Anya told her that's how she used to do it, but that seemed just to be taking it too seriously. She wasn't carving shapes down there. She just wanted it smooth.

As she dried her hair, however, an immense dread fell over her. What if Clarke hated it smooth? She remembered Ontari once telling her it grossed her out that someone would do that as it would feel like having sex with a child. What if Clarke thought that way?

Lexa squeezed her eyes shut.

"You're overthinking this," Lexa muttered to herself and wrapped the towel around her. She needed to be confident and show Clarke she could take the lead if that's what Clarke wanted. She was not a bottom. She growled inwardly. Totally not a bottom. No matter what her friends used to say.

"I'm ridiculous, I know," Lexa muttered with a smile in her eyes. She dressed herself quickly. It wasn't often that she wore a dress, but she wanted to wear one. She brushed her hands over the black fabric and hoped it wouldn't be too cold.

She bit her lip and smiled through her teeth. She then let out a small chuckle as the joy in her heart overflew her senses. She was so excited for tonight, the whole weekend really. She had told Clarke she would cook for her. Both had agreed on spending the whole weekend inside, just together and more importantly alone.

After applying her make-up, she was out of the door. She made a point of taking the bus so she wouldn't arrive all sweaty from a bike ride. She would be spending the night anyways, so she wouldn't be limited by the bus hours, or make Clarke drive her home.

Before she got there, Clarke called her.

"Hey," Lexa chirped, "I'm two minutes away," Lexa informed.

 _"Hey, baby. Yeah, I figured you'd be here by now. Rehearsal ran late, and I needed to run to the grocery store for last minute snacks, but I left the key in the flower pot next to the front door before I left this morning, so just let yourself in."_ Clarke told her and caused an anxious flutter inside of Lexa's chest.

"Oh, okay," Lexa gulped.

 _"Relax, no one is there remember,"_ Clarke smiled, but Lexa puffed.

"Yeah," Lexa breathed into the phone as Clarke's front door came into view. "Alright, the right one right?" Lexa questioned and heard Clarke hum. "I'll see you in a bit then?" Lexa stated unsurely as she poked around the dirt.

 _"Yes, I'll be there in less than 10,_ " Clarke stated, and Lexa nodded. The brunette quickly gave an audible confirmation after being momentarily distracted by the dirt on her fingers.

"Okay, love you," Lexa murmured. She hung up after hearing Clarke mirrored her words and plunged the key into the door.

The house was particularly silent, only allowing Lexa's footsteps to create an echoing shuffle in the hall. Lexa smiled and closed the door behind her only to open it again and leave it ajar so Clarke could enter effortlessly.

She placed her bag on the ground and smiled at the house, now completely deserted as it exerted a wave tranquility. It was the kind of house she had never been accustomed to. There was a cleanliness to it that created an intimacy and safety Lexa never felt growing up. It was the kind of clean you could just never have in a house that had been around for 60 years and was falling apart because there had never been enough money to maintain it. It was the certainty that were there a hurricane to come by, one would be able to shelter in it and not feel a thing; as if the house, so safe and unaffected did not bear the reality of the outside world.

Lexa put her hands on the counter she would be cooking on and felt the cold stone beneath her fingers. A smile tugged at her lips. She imagined a life like this with Clarke. Maybe she could.

The creak of the door behind her startled her. Lexa looked behind her and was met with a breathtaking view of her girlfriend with a small plastic bag in hand.

Clarke's eyes fluttered at the sight. She sucked in a sharp breath when she looked at Lexa and more specifically what she was wearing. It wasn't often that Lexa wore things that hugged her body, but when she did it's like the ache that Clarke felt every day amplified. The pull she felt became unbearable.

"Hey, beautiful," Clarke murmured and quickly placed the bag on the counter as she wrapped her arms around Lexa's neck. She then kissed her and smiled widely.

"Hey," Lexa replied shyly with both arms wrapped around Clarke's waist. The feeling of Lexa's fingers on her waist prompted a strong feeling of safety in Clarke's soul. They pressed their heads together with swirling nerves in their chests.

Clarke inspected Lexa's clothes more while she let her hands slide down Lexa's arms in one swift movement, causing the fabric to stretch under her touch.

"I thought we were staying in," Clarke stated, a little put off but not enough to truly be annoyed. Lexa looked amazing, so amazing Clarke assumed she had changed her mind and was taking her out.

"We are," Lexa smiled and saw Clarke's brow deepen.

"It's all for you," Lexa explained in a husky whisper. Clarke arched her brows and breathed. Soon she found Lexa's lips and their taste.

"You look amazing," Clarke uttered against Lexa's lips and had the brunette grinning.

"So do you," Lexa stated, but Clarke gave her an unimpressed look.

"I'm wearing yoga pants, I should change," Clarke stated. She had intended at dressing up, but then somehow she ran out of time and figured since they were staying in it didn't matter. She was wearing cool stuff underneath all this, but Clarke wasn't even sure Lexa would see that tonight. They had promised each other not to put any pressure on this night. If it happened, it happened, and if it didn't, it didn't.

"Don't you dare," Lexa smirked and ran her hands beneath Clarke's hair to pull her against her lips. "I love your rehearsal clothes," Lexa pointed out and caused a large chuckle to tumble from Clarke's lips.

"Be that as it may, I need a shower babe," Clarke argued.

"I like you sweaty," Lexa flirted and with it cause an undeniable hunger between Clarke's legs. Clarke gasped at the candor in Lexa's words.

"Later," Clarke smirked, attempting to mimic Lexa's confidence but epically failed at doing so.

Their hands locked together as Clarke turned her back on Lexa until their fingers slowly slid out of one another.

"Promise?" Lexa teased and heard Clarke chuckle. The blonde didn't reply she simply threw a playful glance back at Lexa and continued her path to the bathroom. Once the door was closed, Clarke breathed out nervously.

* * *

 

Lexa had managed to clean and chop all the vegetables by the time Clarke was done showering. When Clarke entered the kitchen, she smiled, watching her girlfriend make dinner for her. Watching her here now, with her all alone in this house, told Clarke how much she enjoyed Lexa's domestic side.

"Something smells nice," Clarke commented on the onions sizzling in the butter. She wrapped her arms around Lexa and kissed her shoulder.

"I could say the same thing about you," Lexa looked back and commented on Clarke's freshly washed hair. She looked down and saw Clarke had replaced her yoga pants for skinny black jeans and a large brown cardigan. She looked comfortable, but God did those clothes accentuate her figure.

"So what can I help with?" Clarke asked as she turned the counter and placed a good distance between them.

"Nothing," Lexa stated, no ordered. Clarke furrowed her brows and wanted to protest, but Lexa pointed at her and said, "You, you stay out of my kitchen,"

"Your kitchen?" Clarke asked playfully with one arched eyebrow.

"Yes, tonight this is my kitchen, Clarke," Lexa maintained with a smirk and went to check on her onions.

"Okay, oh great kitchen master. What are you making?"

"Ratatouille," Lexa answered and added, "Pixar style," She sounded really excited, and it tore tickling laughter from Clarke's throat.

"Pixar style? As in the movie 'Ratatouille'?" Clarke asked.

"Uhuh," Lexa hummed, and that's when Clarke noticed, Lexa had used her mandolin and cut the vegetables excessively thin.

"Wow," Clarke chirped. "Cool," She noted but then pouted. "So if I can't help you, what should I do in the meantime?" Clarke whined.

With a giggle on her lips and arched eyebrow on her forehead, Lexa turned around and replied, "I guess, standing there and being pretty isn't an option huh?"

"No," Clarke crossed her arms out in front of her.

"Okay," Lexa stated after she had tossed in different vegetables for the sauce she was making and swayed her way over to Clarke. "I have an idea," Lexa pecked Clarke's lips when she reached her.

"Oh yeah?" Clarke breathed.

"You can't help me with the actual cooking, but maybe your artistic abilities will help with assembling the vegetables in the oven dish," Lexa bit her lip. "You can do it however you want," She stated but pointed out, "I need to finish the sauce first."

"Do you think you can wait till then and pick out some music or a movie for later?" Lexa asked and felt Clarke nodding against her face.

"Sounds great, Lex," Clarke breathed, but if she was being honest the minute, Lexa swayed her hips as she walked over to her all thoughts were lost. Clarke tried to regain some semblance of rational thinking, but the task appeared to be particularly difficult. So instead, she did as Lexa told her and went to pick out a movie on Netflix for them to enjoy later.

"Never thought I'd literally be doing Netflix and chill," Clarke muttered to herself. She scrolled through the movies and wrote down a top 3 for them to choose from, or simply watch all depending on where the evening was going. Clarke shuddered at the thought and clenched her core.

'Seriously dude, contain your vagina,' Her voice rang.

It was about a ten minutes later that Clarke presented the movies to Lexa, just as the brunette was done with the sauce.

"Ah right on time," She smiled and presented Clarke with various bowls of vegetables, cut exactly the same way. "Go crazy," Lexa smiled and sat down on one of the stools.

Clarke grinned at the colors and felt herself getting excited, which was slightly embarrassing as these were just vegetables that she could organize. Before she started Lexa ordered her to wash her hands.

"I like it when you're this bossy," Clarke grinned when returning to the counter. She started playing with different patterns as she stated, "So I have a top three,"

"Ooh, do elaborate," Lexa sang.

"There's Jurrasic Park," Clarke stated and caused Lexa to bristle. Nope, definitely not that one. Lexa's eyes widened but little enough so Clarke wouldn't notice.

"Right, uhm-"

"There's the whole franchise. I haven't seen the fourth one so maybe that one," Clarke specified and released a current of relief through Lexa's body.

"Oh," Lexa said as she tried to erase the comfort of her tone of voice. Clarke quirked an eyebrow because of course Clarke had noticed Lexa's slight different pitch. "Christ Pratt is kind of," Lexa scrunched up her nose.

"What?"

"Eh," Lexa shrugged her shoulders.

"We can watch the first one," Clarke suggested but watched Lexa's shoulders become tense for a second.

"What are the other options? Lexa asked.

"Uhm, okay." Clarke shrugged letting go whatever reservation Lexa had with the movie franchise. "Well, there's E.T," Clarke stated and lit Lexa's eyes.

"I'm sensing a pattern," Lexa smirked. "Not that I mind,"

"And lastly Pride, ha there goes your pattern," Clarke pointed at Lexa who chuckled.

"Well, I vote either Pride or E.T.," Lexa piped and searched for Clarke's lips. Clarke leaned forward and captured her lips. She also ran her tongue on Lexa's lips and earned a half-crooked grin from Lexa.

"Okay, I vote Pride out of those two," Clarke answered and then looked down. "I think this can go in the oven now?" Clarke stated and watched Lexa put a cover on it. She then continued by opening the oven and placing the dish inside.

"Okay, now we wait," Lexa pushed Clarke against the counter and pressed her lips against her. Clarke quickly wrapped her arms around Lexa and found her confidence to taste those lips, to tug at them. With every touch, Clarke's core became warmer and warmer until her underwear felt uncomfortably present.

"Patience," Lexa whispered as she kissed Clarke's jaw. Between kisses, Clarke's legs had widened, and she had involuntarily, but God so voluntarily wrapped one leg around Lexa so that the brunette's knee would close in against her.

Clarke breathed out and pushed her forehead against Lexa's shoulder. "You're joking right?" Clarke laughed.

"I want to wine and dine you before I-" Lexa licked her lips, "-wine and dine on you," She smirked and felt Clarke shake against her shoulder.

"Fucking shit," Clarke muttered, but inherently she agreed. She looked up and pecked Lexa's lips.

* * *

 

"Do you like it?" Lexa asked with a large smile as she watched Clarke gobbling down the Ratatouille.

"It's amazing, babe," Clarke stated. Yes, the Ratatouille tasted great, but Clarke couldn't figure out if it were nerves or anticipation that caused her to eat this fast.

"Good," Lexa chirped as she bit the vegetables off the fork.

Given Clarke was going at the rate of a vacuum cleaner, Lexa accelerated her pace a little as well so she wouldn't have to have Clarke watching her eat. If there was anything that made her nervous and lose all appetite, it was people watching her eat.

Then, when they were both finished, Lexa grasped their plates and placed them in the sink, and just for a minute, she allowed to water to cool her hands that were burning. The concept of sweaty hands translated into overheated hands that felt like a nuisance to Lexa.

"Lex?" Lexa heard Clarke say. She looked up and turned off the faucet.

"Yes, love," Lexa replied as she dried off her hands, wringing the towel around her hands.

"Ready?" Clarke asked and somehow asked for so many things. Lexa knew she was speaking of the movie, but somehow it sounded like she was asking for something else as well. Lexa smirked.

"Behave," Clarke stated. Despite her words, Lexa saw a smile tugging at Clarke's lips and gladly returned it.

"You're the one that was basically humping my leg," Lexa pointed out, and Clarke feigned offense.

"I was not humping," Clarke screeched. "How dare you?" Clarke grinned.

"I dare plenty," Lexa leaned both of her hands on the table and hovered over Clarke. "So," She murmured, and breathed on Clarke's lips, "Ready?"

Clarke smirked and stood up, playing along. "Let's watch Pride," She stated and laced their fingers together.

It was about an hour later, and much to both of their surprises they hadn't gotten bored and started making out as was part of each's plan. Pride was an amazing movie.

"This movie is so underrated," Clarke muttered as she watched the women on the screen sing 'Every woman is a lesbian at heart.'

Lexa snorted loudly when she heard 'Including Reggie's mom!'

"I love it," Lexa smiled fondly.

"I love you," Clarke stated and caught Lexa off guard. Lexa smiled curiously to her left where Clarke was sitting and wrapped her hand around Clarke's cheek to press a long kiss to Clarke's lips.

"And I you," She whispered, then redirecting her eyes to the screen but snuggling closer into Clarke's embrace. God, did she love these moments, where she felt like she could hide away into Clarke's embrace. She felt completely safe.

They stayed that way huddled until the movie ended and both their hearts were soaring with joy.

"Well this was a feel good movie," Lexa commented and looked up to see Clarke staring at her.

"Yeah, it was amazing," Clarke agreed and pecked Lexa's lips. The brunette breathed out and then stood up to reach for the remote that had somehow been misplaced.

Clarke, however, tugged at her arm and did not let go. Lexa looked back and gave her a curious look. She twitched her head and creased her brow all the while Clarke pulled her back. Clarke pulled her all the way onto her lap until Lexa caught on and smirked.

Before Lexa could remark on anything, Clarke passionately pulled her into an embrace, seaming her lips onto Lexa's and causing the brunette to breathe in sharply. It was the look of hunger twinkling in Clarke's eyes that caused Lexa to comment playfully, "I thought you wanted it to be organic,"

"This is organic," Clarke replied. "I've wanted you all night," Clarke admitted and with it shot a sense of pleasure down Lexa's spine and through her folds.

Lexa swallowed the breath she took in and kissed Clarke tenderly. She felt Clarke's hands slide up her thighs and when Clarke's hands fell on her ass, she moaned into the kiss, startling Clarke. It had been loud and unapologetic, and it had caused Clarke to halt her movements. Soon after Lexa's hands tangled themselves in Clarke's blonde hair and somehow recharged Clarke's body and had it springing back into action.

Lexa slid her tongue into Clarke's mouth, only a little, allowing Clarke to dance and play with her. She could feel Clarke's hands securely around her, and it just ignited the fire further in her. Those fingers, raking up and down her body, and Clarke's mouth rousingly so nipping at Lexa. They pressed together so far, trying to remove all borders from each other, and melt as one.

Clarke, a bit out of breath, stated when they came up for air, "Maybe, not here," Lexa grinned widely and caught her bottom lip between her teeth. Okay, so it was happening. Clarke wanted to. It was happening now.

Lexa stood up and reached out her hand for Clarke to grasp. She wanted to lead Clarke upstairs, but somehow in the daze of it all she forgot the structure of the house a little and had to leave the lead in Clarke's hands.

Clarke moved them to her room, and as she closed the door behind them, the silence of the room and its seemingly untouched essence brought her back to earth. It wasn't heated, just intimate. She looked at Lexa who shyly stood in her room.

"Now what?" Clarke chuckled. It wasn't awkwardness that she felt, but there was a certain kind of self-consciousness that had crept between them.

"What do you want?" Lexa asked.

"You," Clarke easily replied but didn't know what to do about that, or at least she wasn't sure how brash she was allowed to be. When she had been with men before, they usually took the lead. This was new territory for her. The roles were blank. There was no role to be broken or confirmed; it was open, and free to be defined however they wanted.

"I don't know how to do this," Clarke opted for honesty. Lexa was never shy in giving Clarke the help she needed, all she had to do was ask. Lexa smiled with such kindness that Clarke could feel her heart rate beating to a steadier drum.

"Take off my dress," Lexa whispered as she approached Clarke. Clarke's chest heaved with each step her girlfriend took. God, yes. She gasped once Lexa had reached her. She looked down at Lexa's cleavage, then at her waist.

"Still okay?" Lexa asked while raising Clarke's chin with a finger. Clarke nodded eagerly but then clumsily reached behind Lexa. Somehow she found more confidence after pushing Lexa gently against the door that had been behind her. She found steadiness there. She latched her mouth onto Lexa's jaw first, then her neck, as if to avoid Lexa's eyes, just for a moment, in case she would lose her nerve.

She unzipped the dress, but it had yet to fall. The door Lexa had been pressed against, held it up.

Clarke chuckled, "Uhh," Lexa gave her a knowing grin.

"Come here," Lexa told her and Clarke willfully approached her, so nervous she was almost dizzy. Lexa looked at her and asked, "May I?" Clarke nodded quickly as she felt Lexa's hands around the hem of her shirt. Her cardigan had been lost somewhere on the couch downstairs.

Lexa started pulling, but Clarke halted her with a gasp, "Wait," Lexa widened her eyes and immediately froze.

"Do you want to stop?" Lexa immediately asked, but Clarke shook her head. She giggled a little at Lexa's concern.

"It's just-" Clarke gulped. It was a stupid request but one she wanted to make.

"What is it?" Lexa's voice was so gentle and loving, Clarke wouldn't even dream of losing her nerve now.

"Close your eyes," Clarke ordered her and Lexa obliged her. Of course, she had a deep frown on her face because she didn't really understand what Clarke was doing. Then when Clarke stepped out of the embrace, she let out a pitiful whine accompanied by a pout, Clarke couldn't wait to wipe of her face.

Clarke then continued by taking off her shirt, but also her skinny jeans. She didn't want to go through the awkward tugging war that these pants presented. She wanted it to be sensual somehow and given the lingerie she was wearing that was the one thing she thought she could achieve.

"Okay, you can look," Clarke bit her lip as Lexa opened her eyes with a smirk. The smile quickly vanished as Lexa's eyes roamed over Clarke's body. Her mouth fell open, and it became dry.

"It's just- uh the skinny jeans," Clarke explained awkwardly as she glued her arms to her side. "They-they're hard to take off and-" Clarke babbled, but Lexa interjected.

"Jesus Christ," Lexa breathed taking in the black lace clad around Clarke's body. Her eyes had yet to return to a less arousing part of Clarke. Clarke gulped, she was almost going to ask whether Lexa liked it then but didn't have a chance to make her awkward remark because Lexa surged forward, letting the dress fall and cupped Clarke's cheeks. She pulled her in for a passionate kiss and didn't allow Clarke to babble any further.

Lexa easily stepped out of the dress that circled her ankles and pushed Clarke further towards the bed. When Clarke fell, she took the chance to look at Lexa's body too, as Lexa had done to her. She wasn't exactly wearing lingerie. She wore black panties that matched a simple bra, but God did that not matter as her body ignited a wave of desire that swelled over Clarke's skin. Clarke reached out and skimmed her fingers over Lexa's thighs.

It hadn't been the first time Clarke had seen Lexa this exposed, but it was the first time Clarke would be taking more of her. Clarke would touch her, not shyly or accidentally. She would touch her with full intention. She would brush over the fabric to get rid of it.

Clarke gasped when Lexa straddled her, "You're so beautiful," Clarke commented before Lexa leaned in and grazed her lips over Clarke's.

"I can't believe you're wearing that," Lexa stated as she pushed Clarke against the pillows. Clarke gulped as if she had been scolded, but then she noticed the way Lexa looked at her, full of love and more importantly yearning. Lexa bit her lip because she already felt her own arousal swimming in her underwear.

"I could look at your like this all day," Lexa continued and brushed her fingers over Clarke's shoulder, then down her arm. She smiled shyly as if she had been caught with her hand in the cookie jar.

"Please, continue," Clarke grinned and found purpose in placing her hands on Lexa's hips.

"You're so beautiful, Clarke," Lexa stated emotionally. How did she get this lucky? Clarke was everything, and she made her feel like right now at this moment Lexa was the most important person to her, the most beautiful.

Clarke leaned up and kissed Lexa until the brunette melted into her and leaned back down with her. Lexa sucked in such a dense breath when she kissed Clarke further and used her hands to cup Clarke's cheeks. Clarke rose with Lexa, with every breath, with every nip, digging her fingers deeper into her girlfriend's flesh. Soon enough Clarke's hands found their way to the fabric of Lexa's bra.

They both halted their movements as if they both knew, this was yet another leap to take together. Lexa opened her eyes. Their faces were so closely pressed together that the colors of their eyes were not distinguishable at all, only hunger was left; hunger and care. Clarke pressed her palms against the fabric harder and rubbed her hands up and down, from Lexa's lower back, back to the fabric at hand, as if to ask for permission. Lexa grinned into her lips and closed her eyes, nodding against Clarke's skin. Clarke nervously fiddled with the bra's clip. She was never really good at it, even her own bra she still fastened around her belly, like a fourteen-year-old, and then shoved it back.

Lexa chuckled a little at Clarke's clumsiness. She could feel Clarke pouting, and with it, she leaned back up, and abandoned her grip on Clarke's neck. Her gaze never left Clarke's eyes. She smirked seductively, but never abandoned Clarke in their tense embrace. Her eyes remained steady and reassuring. She angled one arm behind her and unclasped the bra, letting it fall by her shoulders and freeing her flesh.

Clarke's gaze softened upon regarding the rosy skin that had been hidden from her. She was overcome with a desire to touch it, to taste it and so she leaned forward and kissed Lexa's collarbone all the while both of her hands, that beforehand been on Lexa's hips, glided up. One around her abdomen and the other to her neck. Lexa gripped Clarke's hair tightly when she felt those plump lips exploring her skin from beneath her chin to right above her heart.

"Please, Clarke," Lexa breathed loudly and gave Clarke the indication she wanted Clarke's mouth further on her. Clarke dipped lower and captured a nipple between her lips, examining it with her tongue, inspecting what reaction she would arouse from it. Lexa's hand curled tightly around Clarke's hair that she had had in hand, the minute Clarke's mouth squeezed and sucked on the flesh. Getting encouragement from the quiet sighs and curled fists, Clarke allowed her other hand to palm Lexa's breast as she leaned back up to capture Lexa's lips.

"I love you," Clarke sighed between kisses. Then she felt Lexa discard Clarke's own lace, after grazing her nails across Clarke's shoulders and getting impatient with the restrictions. Clarke never knew she could feel so warm. Feeling Lexa's breasts against her own ignited a certain feeling, not necessarily sexual, but that of being sheltered. It was a tickling feeling in the pit of her stomach that somehow caused her whole body to be completely relaxed, but at the same time wound tightly.

She wanted, no needed Lexa closer, now. She wrapped her arms around her tightly as they continued kissing each other fervently. Clarke moaned tightly when Lexa's knee accidently pushed between Clarke's legs amidst their grinding, to erase the margins between them. Lexa widened her eyes at hearing the delicious sound coming from Clarke's mouth.

"I want you so badly," Lexa stated, and for a second they halted together as if trying to register the words that had been spoken between them.

"So take me," Clarke stated unfalteringly. She kept her gaze on Lexa as the brunette attempted at pushing, now deliberately, into Clarke's core. It was a challenge to keep her eyes open, but Clarke wanted to see Lexa watching her. She wanted to see what her pleasure did to her girlfriend. Upon seeing Clarke's eyes darken with every touch, she instinctively curled her finger under the band of Clarke's underwear.

"Are you sure? Can I-" Lexa stuttered, but Clarke was already heaving her hips to aid Lexa's task. Somehow Lexa managed to keep her eyes on Clarke's face when she slid down her underwear. She was breathing heavily as if she was asking, what now? She had barely touched Clarke's breasts, let alone go any further.

"Lexa," Clarke breathed, sensing the girl's hesitation. She grasped Lexa's hand and placed it on her breast. "I'm not changing my mind," Clarke reassured, and with it, Lexa smiled down and placed her lips on Clarke's jaw, then her collarbone and then God yes on her breasts. She slid both her arms around Clarke's thighs and pulled her closer so their centers were hovering above one another.

Lexa explored each inch of Clarke's skin, if it wasn't with her lips, then it was with her hands, halting and repeating her movements every time she heard or felt Clarke's pleasure translating itself through her body. With every moan, with every gasp, Lexa paid extra attention to those areas and told herself to remember those later.

Lexa descended under Clarke's breasts, but Clarke protested.

"I want you naked, Lex, before we do anything further." Clarke panted. "I need to feel you,"

Lexa nodded and obeyed Clarke's request. When she lifted her center off Clarke's thigh, where it had greedily been grinding, Clarke felt a breeze against her skin, which made her realize just how wet Lexa was. Clarke almost moaned at the implication. It wasn't like she wasn't dripping down, onto the sheets, but realizing just how wet Lexa was as well sent a flood of newfound arousal down her folds.

Clarke looked at Lexa's fingers pulling down the fabric, and then regarded the naked flesh that Lexa had revealed. Lexa looked at her shyly, her worries of hours before cropping up if only for an instant. Clarke's hands slid from Lexa's abdomen to just her mound, not quite going further. It wasn't a sexual act, but that of curiosity, and only wanting to look at Lexa to touch her, not just yet to bring her pleasure. Not yet.

Lexa looked down at her and gasped when she felt Clarke's fingers upon her. She bit her lip, and that's what did it for Clarke. The blonde leaned up and aggressively with one hand kneaded Lexa's ass. She pulled her harshly on top of her and caused a slick of wetness that ran from hip to her stomach. Lexa whimpered when she felt her clit graze across Clarke's belly. Clarke's hands then ran over her, from her breasts to her side, to then again her mound, which caused Lexa's breath to hitch.

"You're gorgeous," Clarke commented before her fingers dipped lower just around the hood of Lexa's clit. Lexa dipped her head forward at the sudden increase in sensation. Clarke smiled widely and caught Lexa's eyes. One hand dropped down, but Lexa caught and by holding one of Clarke's hands, she ground down, molding their centers together. Clarke's eyes widened when she felt her clit sliding against Lexa's mound, then what could only be the hood of Lexa's own clitoris.

"Fuck," Clarke cursed and watched Lexa smirk. Lexa ground down again this time slower and caught one of Clarke's breasts in her hand. She leaned forward and let her weight mash against Clarke's. Then she sneaked a hand between them and looked at Clarke one last time before truly dipping her fingers through Clarke's folds, causing a low rumble to fall from Clarke's throat.

Though Clarke's hand had been playing with Lexa's center, Lexa's ministrations had her truly distracted, and she allowed Lexa to take the lead. She felt all four fingers playing with her folds, going around Clarke's entrance, avoiding all major sensitive areas to get Clarke to a desperate edge.

"Jesus fucking Christ, Lexa," Clarke uttered. Lexa gave her a searing kiss that was laced with mischief, and when Clarke opened her eyes, she realized Lexa had never closed hers. Then Lexa circled her clit with her thumb and index finger, pinching it a little. Clarke gasped and surged forward to bite on Lexa's lip. Clarke panted heavily as Lexa continued manipulating her clitoris into oblivion. With every flick, she felt a wave of pleasure rippling from her core to her back and down her legs.

Then when she had just started to get accustomed to the sensations and to get some pleasure from them, Lexa plunged two fingers into her and had Clarke moaning loudly. She kissed down her body but asked just to be sure, "Can I?"

"Are you joking?" Clarke panted with pleasure. She met Lexa's fingers and plunged them deeper into her every time. She hadn't even had the chance to think or feel awkward. All she could do was feel Lexa on her. The simple thought of Lexa's lips going there had her crawling to the edge already.

Lexa giggled and then kissed Clarke's mound. She descended until she had Clarke clit in her mouth, and used her tongue to create a rhythm. Clarke's pitch went higher, and Lexa could feel her squeezing down on her fingers as a stream of wetness coated the sheets beneath them. Clarke's back arched with every thrust, and suddenly she fisted her hand into Lexa's curls, pushing her harder down. Lexa looked up and locked her gaze to Clarke's as she continued. By now she had started curling her fingers as well and noticed Clarke could barely keep her eyes open. The room filled with desperation. The echoes of Clarke's groans bounced against the walls and into Lexa's ears.

"Lex!" Clarke cried completely out of breath. It was when Clarke's eyes reluctantly closed, and her mouth gaped open further that Lexa knew she was close. She sucked a little harder on Clarke's clit, and that appeared to do it. That was what sent her over the edge.

Clarke stuttered out a guttural moan and screwed her eyes shut so tightly it hurt. Her legs twitched, and her hip stuttered as Lexa tried to keep her lover at bay. She kept her mouth on Clarke, and slowed her pace immensely, hoping to help Clarke ride out her orgasm. It was only when Clarke pushed Lexa's away a little that Lexa knew she was too sensitive. Clarke fell back into the mattress with Lexa's head resting on her hip. Her chest rose and fell sharply and only when she regained some semblance of control, did Clarke look down. Upon looking at her girlfriend she watched Lexa, laying on her hip with a lazy smile. Lexa then leaned over and kissed Clarke's mouth chastely.

"Don't pull out yet," Clarke urged. The blonde closed her eyes briefly and then smiled after her heart slowed down. Lexa nodded and shifted her weight to the side so that she could curl up against Clark's body.

"Fuck," Clarke whispered and heard Lexa giggle. "That was-"

"Yeah," Lexa smiled and then traced her other hand over Clarke's forehead, grazing through the tiny hairs sticking to her forehead.

"I love you," Clarke professed and had Lexa grin.

"I love you too, Clarke," Lexa stated.

"You can pull out now," Clarke stated, and Lexa did as she was told. She pulled out but a bit too quickly and had Clarke squealing. "Not that fast!" Clarke screeched, but Lexa was already looking at her cum coated fingers.

"Sorry," Lexa giggled. "I'll remember that for next time," She stated and then looked around a little. As if to know what Lexa was looking for Clarke presented her with a box of Kleenex.

"Thanks," Lexa cleaned her fingers. "Not that I wouldn't love to lick you clean right now," Lexa joked. She really did enjoy that; it was just the fingers bit. She loved licking her fingers when it had the purpose of plunging it into a girl and lubing them up, but actually licking cum off her own fingers was hard because she usually felt like a preschooler trying to get chocolate off her fingers. Not exactly sexy. Plus it usually took more than just one swipe, and in the end, you're just feasting on your fingers like it's a lollipop, which again didn't make Lexa feel sexy, no matter how arousing that sounded.

"I don't think I'd be able to handle that right now," Clarke chuckled and watched Lexa arch an eyebrow.

"Really?" Lexa crawled on top Clarke's body and pecked Clarke's lips. "Care to test that?" Clarke roared with laughter and wrapped her arms securely around Lexa's waist so she could mold their bodies tightly together. Lexa's arms were angled on either side of Clarke's head as her body was draped right over Clarke's. Lexa rubbed their noses together.

"I'd rather focus my strength on you," Clarke teased with a slight graze of her teeth over Lexa's bottom lip. "I wish I had continued doing what I was doing but...you kind of distracted me," Clarke bit her lip.

"As was the point," Lexa pointed out with a cocky smile.

"Still, I want-" Clarke was lost for words. She sighed with a sad demeanor.

"What's wrong?" Lexa asked quickly catching on to Clarke's energy.

"I don't know how to do what you just did," Clarke stated sadly. "I'm afraid I won't be any good," Clarke admitted and watched Lexa's gaze soften.

"Baby," Lexa whispered. "You already had me on edge just by what you were doing earlier," Lexa stated confidently.

"Yeah?" Clarke's eyes darted up. She sounded so insecure.

"Hell, yeah," Lexa reassured and encouraged Clarke. "But if you're not comfortable in doing anything tonight, you don't have-"

"Uh! I'm doing you tonight," Clarke interjected bluntly and with it widened Lexa's eyes. Lexa gulped at Clarke's words.

"Yeah?" Lexa breathed unsteadily.

"Yeah," Clarke grew in confidence. "Just maybe- guide me through some things?" Clarke asked and had Lexa nodding.

"Of course," Lexa murmured lovingly.

It wasn't long after before Clarke flipped them over and hovered Lexa. "So... how should I start?" Clarke asked and made Lexa chuckle. Well, communication was key. It was simply cute how Clarke asked her questions.

"Well, you're already on your way with laying on top of me like you are now," Lexa grinned. "Think about how you would pleasure yourself and what you were doing earlier," Lexa heartened. Clarke grinned so widely she wanted to chuckle with joy.

"Okay," Clarke whispered and then let her hand glide over Lexa's breast. "How's this," Clarke asked as she pinched Lexa's nipple. To be honest, Lexa didn't need much foreplay at this point. Lexa nodded and urged Clarke's hand to dip lower.

"Here," Clarke whispered lovingly and caused Lexa to feel completely secure and taken care of. Yes, she was walking her through this, but it felt more dominant as if Clarke was only searching for the answers so she could use them against Lexa somehow. That thought alone had the brunette thoroughly aroused.

Her hand was pushing against Lexa's hip, drawing circles as it went down. Lexa sighed contently as Clarke began kissing down her neck and making work of that area. She was so gentle, so careful and if Lexa was being honest, that was the way she liked it. Sure, she liked it rough, but that was only occasionally. She liked being taken care of in this way.

Lexa stifled a moan when Clarke dipped her fingers in her wetness.

"You're so wet," Clarke moaned loudly and sucked on Lexa's skin, probably leaving a trail of bruises. "Do you want me to stay on your clit or go inside?" Clarke asked.

"Stay-" Lexa stuttered because Clarke flicked her clit so generously. Lexa usually had a hard time coming by fingers the first time around. She needed time to grow accustomed to that feeling, and though she could feel a lot of pleasure coming from Clarke's movements, she imagined this time would not be so different.

"Or both?" Clarke asked and captured Lexa's nipple in her mouth. Lexa was too shy to ask Clarke to go down on her, especially given this was Clarke's first time with a girl. She may not be comfortable with it. Lexa groaned when she felt a ripple of pleasure. Okay, so maybe fingers?

Clarke looked up at Lexa's sweaty demeanor. The girl had her brows pushed into a crease as if she was concentrating.

"Lex?" Clarke voiced but didn't stop circling Lexa's clit. Lexa panted as she looked up at Clarke. "You okay?" Clarke asked, and Lexa nodded. "Tell me what you want," Clarke ordered sensing the girl was holding back.

"I-" Lexa stuttered, "Fingers are a bit hard for me at first," Lexa revealed and watched Clarke smile softly.

"What would make it easier, baby?" Clarke asked, and Lexa breathed slowly.

"Maybe-" She stuttered again, "Maybe tongue?" Lexa suggested and watched a sly grin carve Clarke's features.

"Your wish is my command, my love," Clarke kissed Lexa heavily, swiping her tongue across Lexa's a few times before descending, not leaving a patch of skin untouched.

She hovered over Lexa's mound and felt nerves bubbling in her stomach. God, she hoped she would be good at this. She swiped her tongue over Lexa's folds, exploring them and deliberately avoiding Lexa's clit. Just for now.

She felt Lexa relax a little against her, but soon enough a tension started to grow in the girl's body. One that Clarke could feel with every movement of her tongue. She dipped her tongue inside of Lexa and tasted the girl on her lips. It was a little salty. She dipped further inside and heard Lexa moan. That's when Clarke decided, that was one of her favorite sounds in the world.

Lexa wasn't particularly a loud person, so having her hear so vulnerability unwinding in front of her, so raw and real, caused Clarke to put some eagerness behind her ministrations.

She found a steady rhythm and placed her right hand on Lexa's breast, so she could continue playing with the brunette's nipples. It almost looked like Lexa took more pleasure from her breasts than from her clit. Then again Clarke hadn't given her clitoris the proper attention it deserved.

With Clarke's mouth rising to cover Lexa's clitoris, Lexa puffed and sighed, "Baby," Clarke continued with her rhythm, occasionally changing it and surprising Lexa. Every time Clarke did that, it brought Lexa closer to the edge. Lexa's breath became heavier and moaned loudly when she felt a particularly strong current of pleasure running through her.

Lexa smiled when she felt herself getting closer. When Clarke sucked on her clit and moved her head up and down, aiding the sensation, she groaned, "Like that, baby,"

So Clarke listened and continued doing exactly that, but disobeying her lover here and there so she could still take her by surprise. "Keep doing that!" Lexa moaned loudly and curled her fingers into the sheets. This time Clarke remained in the same rhythm until she watched Lexa unravel in front of her.

It was an array of curses that Clarke had never heard coming from Lexa's mouth that indicated her orgasm. That and the curling of her toes, the hand that flew from the covers to Clarke's hair and the hips that basically rode Clarke's tongue.

Then Lexa pulled Clarke's face up, to stop and melted back into the mattress, only a little. She had barely risen off, to begin with.

Lexa sighed and wiped Clarke's chin, where excess wetness had gathered. Lexa smiled widely and stated, "Come here,"

Lexa kissed her tightly and tasted herself on Clarke's lips. "I love you so much, Clarke Griffin,"

* * *

 

The sun crept through the windows early the next morning as either had been too consumed by the other to close them, which come to think of it, they may have given the neighbors a show. The lamp that they had turned on yesterday was still shining as they had fallen asleep in each other's embrace after making love for hours.

Clarke squinted her eyes when the first rays of sun burned her obnoxiously. She groaned and hid her face into Lexa's shoulder. She could feel Lexa shifting, and soon enough the brunette turned around and hid her face in the crook of Clarke's neck.

"Why?" She whined as Clarke mimicked that sentiment.

"Hang on," Clarke whispered while giving Lexa's forehead a kiss. She got up, feeling slightly self-conscious, naked as she was, and closed the curtains. The mirror standing next to the closet gave her a view of her bruised body. She breathed in sharply when she examined herself. There were love bites all over her skin, and she imagined Octavia and Raven would have a field day if they ever saw this.

She turned back to the bed and then noticed Lexa regarding her with a sleepy smile.

"Hey, gorgeous," Clarke stated as she huddled back under the covers.

"Hmm, says the girl that just gave me the most amazing view," Lexa retorted and found some skin to nip at. Within seconds Lexa was awake and pinned Clarke to the bed, with her arms above her head.

Clarke gasped and chuckled, "Have some mercy woman," Lexa grinned widely and kissed her.

"Worn you out, have I?" Lexa teased, and Clarke laughed.

"Yeah, actually," Clarke softly admitted but opened her legs anyways. Before anything else could happen, however, Clarke's stomach grumbled loudly. Lexa leaned up and quirked an eyebrow.

"I have worn you out," Lexa joked and then pecked Clarke's lips. "Breakfast?" Lexa suggested, but Clarke whined.

"Babe, it's like 6 am, let's snooze a little while longer," Clarke pouted, and Lexa obliged. She wrapped her arms around Clarke and pulled her close. "Yes," She whispered in Clarke's ear.

It was a few hours later that Clarke took Lexa upon her earlier offer of breakfast. Clarke decided each of them should shower, alone, because she knew if Lexa joined her, they would never leave this room.

"Spoilsport," Lexa had accused her of, and Clarke giggled. "What's so bad about not leaving this room, anyways?" Lexa had asked, and Clarke had put her hands on her hips.

"I'm hungry woman, I need sustenance to keep going," Clarke had replied.

Lexa was wearing one of her oversized sweaters, that dipped right below her butt. She was frying up some eggs when much like the day before, Clarke came up behind her and wrapped her arms around Lexa's waist. Clarke sucked on Lexa's neck this time around. The blonde hadn't expected to feel any different after taking that step, but it was. Everything was different. It's like she knew Lexa so much better now. It was strange really. It was like now she was allowed to do so much more.

Lexa grinned when she angled her head back and captured Clarke's lips.

"Good shower?" Lexa asked.

"Uhuh," Clarke rubbed her nose against Lexa's shoulder. "Hmm," She hummed and closed her eyes, enjoying the comfort she felt.

"Okay, while you eat that, I'm going to take a shower too," Lexa stated as she took the eggs of the stove.

"You want me to show you how it works?" Clarke flirted, and Lexa pushed her gently against the counter. Clarke's breath hitched.

"No," Lexa smirked and then kissed her girlfriend's lips with fever. "Maybe later," Lexa winked before she turned on her heels.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jfc I know okay? I know it's been ages and I'm sorry. Life kind of came in between. I wanted to update like two weeks ago, but then I got a last minute stage managing job and that took over my life and then I visited a friend in England. So yeah -_- mea culpa. 
> 
> I know this update was mainly smut and I apologize for that to those who aren't as much into that. It was a necessary chapter to write, though. It wasn't smut because of smut (not that there's anything wrong with that amirite?) but bc this was important to them. Plus I was listening to Debussy and it became so much longer than I intended since I started remembering actual sexual encounters lol. 
> 
> To those still reading this, thank you for all your patience! I'll try to update faster next time. 
> 
> See you next time folks!

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so I wrote a siophie fic a few years ago, and bc I started writing some Clexa a while ago I looked at my old fic and found myself rewriting it (cause my old writing is shit, not that my current writing is super but it's better) as Clexa but taking the story in a different direction. So idk what people's opinion are about recycling an old idea, and basically plagiarizing my own work for certain chapters/parts. It follows the same structure (ish), but in later chapters takes a different spin. If this is outrageous and just not done, tell me and I'll take it down. I wrote it for myself first and foremost. 
> 
> I'll try to update once or twice a week.


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